notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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Sharyn, thanks for telling Margeaux how to download photos. Now all I have to do is dig up my brother's digital camera and try it. By the way, I am NOT tech savvy when it comes to the computer. I'm actually scared of it. I took 3 years of computer science in high school. It was my vocational high school major. I learned to be afraid of the computer when my programs would send the main drive into a loop that lasted for hours. Whenever it went into a loop, everyone in the computer lab knew it was my program. I keep forgetting to put an EXIT on the program that I built. Hence, it going into a loop. =)
Emjo, as I was reading your words, I was so scared that you would have given in to your mom - since you drove all that way. Yes! You did NOT!!! {smiling!}
re photos, I just remove the memory card, insert it into the computer and cut and paste the pics into a folder on my desktop, then edit them in Microsoft Office 2010 Picture Manager.
book - somehow the loop with no exit fits your life...
I laughed when you wrote about having to wear your dinner theatre clothes on the trip. I have done this before. When I have done it, I've always wondered whether I'm looking clothes wrinkled from the trip. Thank heavens for Polyester. HAAH!
Oh.....your mom! It's as if she's changing her mind constantly isn't she.
I'm very glad that you are on to her game.
You could not have posted this article about narcissism at a better time.
It's as if the narcissist also does what they do, sets things up for themselves then try and drag other's into their mess.
Even the other day at the birthday party, I noticed that my sister was in such a huff about the situation with the grandma thing. A few times when I approached her, like asking her for the name of someone's wife, someone I don't know well at all,
and she told me the woman's name, but in a snippy tone of voice. So I'm serious,
I am really taking my cues this year, and really probably will opt out of any plan for a Thanksgiving. Christmas is a bit harder for me to weasel out of. But I figure, if I can get out of one holiday that's fine with me. I'm definitely the scapegoat in our family.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
I don't know whether this is such a unique idea. I am aware that in different cultures, I think it comes from a time when extended families were really closer to other's grandchildren that one person is called grandma, hopefully it's thee grandmother. Then, another person may be called Nana, which is a diminutive for gramdma. However, as in my family obviously this doesn't work.
I like some of the thoughts for the day you have been posting.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
I also learned Margeaux, I could not confide in my mother about how mil was treating me because my mother would take it on as though it were her fight and all about her. Lonely tough times for me back then. Glad it is over because it did contribute to my overall depression back then.
Hugs to you and I am glad you are feeling better since your neighbors passing. Enjoy those babies!!
How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one - they hold it and the world revolves around them.
re g'mas names - also an issue with 2 sets of grandparents when there has been divorce. I decided on being called Nana. The North American native culture tends to rely on the relationship, as opposed to the blood tie. So I am cousin or auntie to people in my exes family as I have a relationship with them.
Well, you talked about mother changing her mind, My sister just wrote that mother wants to move to another ALF. It was on the books this summer but she changed her mind then. She will have to get rid of most of the furniture she acquired for her present place. What a waste. My sis, wonder of all wonders, wants to help her. I have been invited to join in, but I will stay out of the picture. Sis is still trying to get mother's approval - good luck! I have moved mother twice. That is enough for me. This new place has tiered levels of care and that would be an advantage if mother stays there. I suspect mother will soon be disenchanted with it, if she does move, as she has been with the other places, and will want to move again. She left her apartment 4 years ago, was 6 months in one Alf, and 3+ years in her present one and has been wanting to move again for about a year. And so it goes,
I find if I detach, and back out, mother finds other people to do things for her, and that works for me. I turned 76 in August and I want some space and freedom from the stress. I have had it all my life.
I emailed mother and asked if she wanted to do lunch today, as I would not be back in town till Christmas. No answer.It is the best I could do.
sharyn - I hear you about the traditions. Mother was like that. Things had to be done the "right" (her) way. I also know the loneliness. I remember once my parents visited during my first marriage and it was obvious to them things were bad for me, I had only one or two children then. Mother suggested that I pack up and come home to stay with them. She has remembered that I got tears in my eyes when she said that. What she didn't realise was that it in my mind it would be out of the frying pan into the fire, and I would be worse off at home.
sad1 how are things going?
glad - you mentioned things were coming to a head - anything new there?
madeea - hope you are feeling more comfortable with your mum's move. how is Bartholomew?
getn - how are you? I hear you about the problems. I don't deal with them, but let the staff deal with them. I figure it is their job.
book - I can see you in a loop with no exit - so fitting. You need to put in the exit!
everyone - let us know how you are. Have a good week and look after you!
It must be very difficult to have your mother crying to come home, when you visit, especially when she is OK at other times. I think you did the right thing. Please don't second guess yourself. As for a Donna Reed kind of life Hah! I don't know anyone who has one. Frankly, I think I would rather be a misfit -all the best people are..
Mother can be sharp as a whip at times, and almost out of it at other times, and she does not have Alz. But, over all, it is a down hill journey. My sis was so pleased as mother was on the phone to her today and clearer than in a long time, I am not sure sis realizes that it is up and down and there will be no long term improvement, but the opposite. I expect she will see it in time.
((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))) to you. it is a lonely journey. I spend the holidays very quietly. I don't mind being alone either, In fact, I realize I need it a fair amount. . Canadian Thanksgiving has passed and I haven't cooked the turkey yet - probably will eventually. Just go with the flow and do what is good for you. Focus on you! Take care of you!
Most of us for whatever reason have something from our childhood that is very special to us that we want to pass it on to our own children. Those of us on this thread, probably don't have too many of those special things that we want to keep, but when we do have one or two, no one has the right to tell us that is it wrong and unacceptable.
Madeaa~Vets are very expensive today. Anytime I take my cat the to vet, I am lucky if I can get out of there for under $150.00.They know so much more now that we have to pay for it. I remember back in the day, the vet we had here (small town so only 1 vet), his speciality was in agricultural animals because we are a Ag town. If you had an emergency with a small pet, lots of time he was not available because someone was having a problem with their cows or horses, or pigs. We ended up going out of town. Now all the vets we have here are small animal vets.
I know what you mean about the holidays. Since my children moved away, it is only my hubby, sister, mom and me. I sisters daughters and family were once part of our dinners here with about 15 people. I so miss those days. I find I get very depressed as the holidays approach now. With mom in memory care, I am debating about bringing her here because just the last couple years when she was still at home, she disrupted things by having to leave here to go check on her dog, or something else. It held up dinner and then as soon as dinner was over she wanted to go home which limited my sisters time here because she would have to take mom home. Now the dog is living with me so if we do bring her here, so won't have that excuse, but she still may complain about wanting to go home.
What really depresses me, is that I can see the writing on the wall for the future holidays and go ahead and call me selfish because I probably am. I know that at some point, we will end up have holidays again with the in laws. I do not want to have to do that but once my family is no long here such as my mom and sister,...then what? I am just not comfortable around my in laws. They are too clannish. All they talk about is how great their family is, they talk about relatives of my fil in GA and how great they are...I have nothing to contribute to the conversation so I end up just sitting there grinning and nodding my head. Even my dil who has her own religion and close family ties, acknowledged how they are so intertwined with each other. I just don't understand it. It is not a Donna Reed family either. Oh well we all have to accept change as hard as it is to do. Hugs to you!!
My niece left w/her baby, she was pregnant w/the little girl at the time, and w/her husband.....they left to her dad's side of family for a dinner. So, I really didn't get to see them on Thanksgiving Day. But the ugly tone had been set by my SIL, by her stupidity. So my sister was there, in one of her very quiet moods, (I knew she was mad about something) but still didn't know what had happened, as this happened before I arrived.
It's always been strange too regarding my sister's daughters and their presence at all holidays. Since they are a product of divorce......they either aren't at our gatherings, or always are in a hurry because they're on their way to the other families dinners. I'm somewhat burned out on this set up. I feel as if I've always cooperated, sometimes bypassed other invitations from my inner circle on account of them. So this year this is all going to be different for me. I'm going to do REALLY what I want for a change, instead of just being drawn into other's holidays. BTW, SIL and unfortunately our youngest brother did not get invited to our little nephews birthday party last weekend. I wonder why? HAAH!
Margeaux
When I was a child our holidays were always a mixed blessing due to mother's problems. I have some good memories from the times when the kids were growing up, and I missed those for a while, but then some grandkids came and that was fun, but now those get togethers are not happening as they were, And you know what - that's OK now. I have some good memories. Sharyn, I understand where you are at with missing the old dinners. I have been there. I don't know what would be best with your mum and the holidays. I would be concerned that she would be upset by something, and also want to go back to her old home. Has she visited in your home since she went into the facility? Let us know what you work out
With all the losses I have had I know one thing I have to do to adjust to a new situation is to make some new memories -some good ones.
Margeaux -I think we all have paid our dues in terms of doing things putting others first, and can do what is good for us.
Wondering how others are feeling about the holidays. Austin, I know this year is much better for you. cmag, this will be this first holiday season without your mum...
Take care all
Still coming to head. Did mediation and agreed on 3rd party intervention on all this nonsense. Sis wanted control of care agreement because of impact on inheritance. Mediator explained the mediation was not at all about care agreement and POA was definitely in conflict of interest position. So, hopefully we will get somewhere once court approves agreement on the 17th. What a way to go into the holidays! This has been going on for two freaking years!
Margeaux, when my fave sis became a grandma, that thought did occur to me that I would love to be called grandma. But then, I thought about it. And changed my mind. I prefer Aunty. While growing up, mom’s mom was called “grandma”, while dad’s mom was called “nana.” All this time, I thought she didn’t understand English because when she stayed with us, she only spoke our language. I didn’t understand (still don’t) and so nana was teaching me – before she died. She was teaching me to count, say open the door, close the window, put it on the table, etc… Only recently, my bro told me that nana spoke perfect English…..Thanks about the comment on my “thoughts for the day.” I’m sometimes torn on which thread to put which quotes.
Sharynmarie, I remember all my siblings’ dreading spending the holidays with their in-laws. What they did was split the day. Either spend the night before with his side, then the day of the holiday with her side….. or morning with their immediate family and evening with his/her side. Fave sis is struggling with this. She wants to spend the holidays with just her children and grands, but she has to share the holiday with us and then her kids go to their spouse’s side. So, she’s trying to squeeze 3 sides in one day.
What a wonderful story with your boyfriend.
I don't do much either in the way of decorations, only a few lights. But I did make some Santa boots out of red fabric I have with a pasley design. Then I put this very long black fringe on the top part of the boot. They're very funny looking,
and they've become almost like an heirloom during Christmas. I've been wanting to experiment with some paper mache, maybe I'll become inspired.
Well have a wonderful time at your parties, but most of all with your boyfriend,
which I know you will. So happy for you!!!!!
Much Love, More Love & Light! Margeaux
For those of you with windows 8, there is an update available windows 8.1. It is suppose to have the start button back, but since I have my computer set up with a password, I am not seeing the start button. I am liking it so far. There are some new features which includes recipes that you can save. I noticed they have a dietary section for diabetes, gluten free and general healthy recipes. This all available in the start up menu. You might want to upgrade, it is free.
There's always a little truth in "I'm kidding!" a little sadness in "I'm fine!" and a little hope in "I'm finished!" Learn to read between the lines, see beyond the words and hear the cries for help, often veiled behind pride or fear of rejection. We're all working this thing called life out as we go, and we all need a little patience and a lot of forgiveness. soulseeds
"I'm fine." {{laughing}} Just this past therapy, the therapist asked me how I was doing. I said, "I'm fine." Then, I paused. And then added, "That was my social answer." .... Therapist looked up at me, and just laughed. I heard her mutter "social answer." After she was done laughing, I said, "Now, how I really am doing...." and then proceeded to tell her about my depression and those "thoughts."... sigh... still not feeling up to par....
Question: We have not told my mother that he is in an ALF, or that my son is in control. My son and I are discussing how to proceed if my brother passes. My brother has wanted nothing to do with mother for years, and has confirmed this with me and my son.
As a mother, I can only imagine the agony of not knowing if your son is alive or dead, etc., so I have been inclined at times to tell her, but then knowing what kind of person she is, thought better of it. She would be nasty to both of us, sure that my son is only helping to get at my brother's money, and mad at me for withholding this information. She is negative about eveyone and everything, so I know that whatever is being done would not be to her liking.
My son says that if bro died, we should just say that he passed away, and that he left a will and his wishes were to be cremated and his ashes scattered on some property that he loves on the Lake of the Ozarks. I know she will push for details, and my son says that he will continue to honor his uncles's wishes to keep her out of his business. So question is......should I tell her that he's been in ALF for 3 yrs now, or just say he passed and keep the details to myself? Guess I know what I'll do, but would appreciate input.