The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Well, it has been three long years that she does not know, does she ever ask for him, doesn't she think it is odd that he has never visited her in her ALF situation? Anyhow, from your profile, your mother has vision problems and is in ALF, she does not have dementia so it is odd she is not asking for him. Your brother is alive, sorry for his decline, your son is POA and your brother wishes to have no contact with his mother. So, since she is not asking, and he wants nothing to do with her, I would leave it be. Hope your brother improves, but if not, his wishes are what are to be taken into consideration. He has his reasons for his feelings about your mother and those feelings are his right and not to be judged, you have your own thoughts about how you'd feel as a mother, but you are not your mother and you don't figure in this equation, humbly in my opinion that is. As I always say, we all have opinions, but it is up to your son as POA to tell or not to tell.

Getnstrong, stay strong. Abide by your brother's wishes. You mother has learned to deal with the absence of her son. I don't think her knowing that he is in assisted living or if he passes would help her at all.

Madeaa has said what I would have answered -better then I would have been able to do -you care for your brother and I feel his wishes should be honored-if she has not cared about him the last three years she does not need to be told about the state of his health-she is probably a narcisstic person and would make it all about her-I hope your brother knows his wishes will be honored.

My sister is really being affected apparently by the recent events at her grandson's birthday party. So the pushy aunt who came down and was overbearing.....I guess was there at my sis's daughter's home throughout then entire weekend, while my poor niece also had her in-laws there. They live out of state, further than the pushy aunt.

So I was listening to my sister's complaints, and concern.....but many of you already know, that my sister too carries her own baggage when it comes to boundaries. As I was attempting to try to get her to see that there's a bigger picture going on here, w/respect to her own daughter's lack of boundaries, she kept going back to herself. She said, "pushy aunt should back off, because I should be the one to dress my little granddaughter the day they baptize her.
On the one hand, I understand the grandparent, taking some of these moments seriously, but is this some sacred moment for grandmother's? IDK, I need an education on this. But I can't help but feel to that given my sisters traits of being possessive and jealous, that sometimes I think she's being very melodramatic about some of this. Could any of you granny's give me your opinion on this matter, maybe I'm missing something here.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Margeaux~You know I am not a grandma but I wanted to share with you just the same. I am going to tell you a story first.

Husband's niece was struggling with her faith in Jesus because she had 2 miscarriages. She even went to the point of converting to Judaism. When her first child was born, she had no spiritual commitment to any religion. Her mil being a Catholic wanted the baby boy baptized in the Catholic Church. Nieces husband, while raised a Catholic was not participating in any spiritual commitment either. So they allowed her mil to have the baby baptized in the Catholic Churc since it was important to the mil and her belifs.. Since then, the niece found her faith in Jesus and was baptized this last Christmas Eve in a local Christian Church.

The point I am trying make is that if your sister and her daughters have a spiritual commitment to Jesus that is true, and it is a tradition that is between your sister and her daughters, then Yes, your sister is within her rights to follow through with the this tradition of her dressing the baby on the day of the baptism. However, if your sister's only reason is because she feels the Aunt is pushing into her territory (which the Aunt is out of place doing), then it comes down to the jealously issue. If this Aunt has true spiritual commitment and it is just a power struggle because your sister is not getting her day in the sun, it is a decision your niece needs to make without all the baggage attached. This is where respecting traditions, spiritual beliefs can cause so much strife in a family. I hope this helps, Hugs!!

i attended a caregiver support group today. every one there had their own advice but i was clearly in the wrong environment. most were caregivers of husbands or wives.
the office manager was kind enough to meet with me alone. i told him my situation. the first thing he pointed out was the whole "family dysfunction".
he mentioned i should consider taking a step back and letting others take care of grandma but without me, she wouldn't have anyone else. not sure what to think.

Gmaandsam,
It is unusual for a grandchild to be doing the care. You are young, I imagine in your 30's. At the very least you need some help, you cannot do it alone. Support groups are wonderful, but the majority of the caregivers are either children or spouses. I suggest that you stick with the group and share your experiences. Everyone can learn from them, and you can learn from theirs.

Sharynmarie,

I'm very happy that things went well for your niece in a spiritual way. I still however think you MIL was way out of line.

I'm not sure whether my sister or her daughter have such strong spiritual beliefs, even though we've all been raised Catholics. I completely agree that this aunt has overstepped boundaries all over the place. But I also think there's got to be a totem pole designation in this mix too.

For sure.....my sister is jealous, that's the way she is to begin with. However, I think there's something also missing here in terms of loyalty coming from daughter to mother. But maybe this is going to be a big wake up call for my sister in the sense that she is always overdoing favors and IMO, many times even all the grandmother duties to an extreme. Many times when people behave this way I feel there's a lot of tit for tat going on. So there's many times an expectation, hence this to me sounds like conditional love.

I've suggested to my sister that once the dust settles and she's not feeling so bruised by it, she have a talk with her daughter. Hopefully she'll take herself out of being the central figure in this by telling her daughter that the aunt could start to alienate the other grandparents by her behavior, and just not respecting people's space. But that's for my sister to deal with. I know this isn't easy either.

I was offended when this niece graduated from college. You know how they only give a limited number of invites for the ceremony? Well this aunt was first in line, then there was narcissistic aunt, and my niece's dad's current gf. They all went to the ceremony, meanwhile I didn't get invited to that, and I'm her Godmother!
So how do you like them apples. Oh well!! I got over that eventually. But this is because also I try to analyze situations, and even when one can take it so personally I try not to. Plus I'm an air sign, my sister is a water sign, so she makes things oh so deep.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

gmaandsam I would stick with the support group for a while and give it a chance-usually at these groups others attend at different weeks and you may meet someone that you can relate with-I met a women that I became great friends with at a group-even though the leader was not very responsible-I think she was a student working on a degree- we are still friends even though we both now are widows and she has moved a distance away and only email each other-we gave support to each other at the time we both needed it-and now we both have nice men in our lives. Also you may be able to help another erson who is in need of a friend who understands. I now am part of a group as a former caregivers helping other caregivers.

Margeaux~I know what you are saying. I so wish I could understand why my mil felt she needed to force her way on me. I do know that part of it (it could be the only reason too), is that she saw herself and my fil as head of the family even though their children were married. That is the Totem Pole, fil and mil were at the head with rights to still govern over their children's married lives. I know that this type of family structure is a big part of what split up my sister in laws marriage, her husband had to go along with everything (he had no family here). Sister in law's hubby liked to places, explore the mountains. My in laws did not raise their children to that kind of thing and they were raised with the philosophy that you do not change anything from what we have taught you because if it is different from us, it is wrong. Maybe if I had raised my kids that way too, they would both still be living here in the same city with us. Where are the boundary lines between parents who want their traditions only passed on to grandkids, parents who believe their philosophy is the only right one, and expect the people who marry their children to convert to their will? I know I am rambling, it is just something that has nagged at me for 36 years, are all Christian families like this?

Remember the niece I talked about in the above post. Well, she let her mil have her way with the baby boy regarding the baptism since she was not involved in a faith community of any kind. I am hearing now where her mil has been putting pressure on her to have more children (she has a boy and a girl). She has told her mil she is done having babies.

Gettinstrong,

I know you have written about the fact that your mom has BPD. Does she also suffer from Dementia/Alz? I'm also wondering whether she's asked you anything about your brother?

Our mom has ALZ, and it is now to the point.....that my sister (main CG), and I agree w/this decision, we see no purpose in telling mother things for example that one of our aunt's from dad's side of the family passed over two years ago.
She hadn't seen her in quite some time, because this aunt's health was compromised for a very long time, and was homebound. Then mom started to have her share of ailments, so has been homebound too. If we told her, we do not think she'd even remember who she was.

I'd say that if she doesn't ask about your brother, and she hasn't seen him in quite sometime, I wouldn't tell her. Given the way she acts out w/this recent protest at the meeting, not sharing info w/her sister, etc. sounds as if she's not rationalizing things any more. I do understand that you may feel this way about the matter, but maybe you need to weigh this out in terms of future chaos cause by her reactions also.

I hope your shoulder is on the mend.
Much Love & Light Margeaux

Hi All, thanks for your input and well thought out advice. Sometimes you're too close to see the forest for the trees.

Yes, Mom asks about my brother occasionally---do you hear from him? I wonder if he has the same eye problems as I do? What if he's blind and all alone and nobody to help him? She usually asks around his birthday, her birthday (cause she doesn't hear from him) and holidays in general.

I have a nosy cousin in Mom's hometown who knows the atty who handled a relative's will. When my son took over for my brother, among the stacks of mail he found unopened, my son found a check for $10,000 he inherited from one of Mom's sisters. My son called the atty, explained the situation, and asked if they could reissue the check, and they did. The nosy cousin told Mom's only living sister that my son "has all Randy's money". Mom was upset when this was passed on to her by her sister. Obviously with the internet, the nosy cousin can find out a lot of info, like the transfer of title to property, etc. I just told Mom "how can she have access to someone else's bank account?" Of course, my son as POA does have access to my brother's assets, pays his bills, etc. as my bro can no longer read or write, or even tell time, He is what we used to call "pleasantly confused".

My stock answer to my mother is this "if something happened to him, you'd probably hear from the authorities", plus I tell her truthfully, that "I haven't heard from him in several years". This is true because he can no longer read or write. She has not challenged me on the answers I give her, but I think she suspects I know more than I'm letting on. When my son takes my bro home with him for a visit or cookout or something, they usually call and I talk to my bro a little on the phone.

Last Thanksgiving I took a trip cross country to my son's and my brother was there. It was so wonderful to see him again. Haven't seen him since my Dad's death 12 years ago. Of course, it was quite a shock to see how confused he is, and a couple times we were talking and he didn't remember who I was. "So, I understand you're from my home town. How long did you live there?" I had to remind him that I was his sister and we grew up together. He also has this problem with face recognition as part of the brain damage. Such a terrible waste, as he was an optometrist, played piano beautifully, and alcohol and mental illness have taken everything from him. Addiction is so awful.

Well, I guess you are all correct. Her doctor agreed with me that it would do her no good to know his situation at this time. For some reason I still struggle with not being honest about it after his death. I know she imagines the worst, and believe me the way he was living WAS the worst. Somehow I thought it might be comforting to know that he has been in a clean place with good food, and his medical needs provided during these last years. What good would it do as she would mull it over and over, and we'd all catch hell for lying to her, plus I don't want to hurt her by saying, "look, your son, wanted nothing to do with you". So I guess I'll keep my silence. Keeping secrets is awful. I hate it. Keep hoping she'll pass before he does, and that still might happen. Have to "Let go".

By the way, emjo, I loved the piece you submitted on "Letting go". Tried to get my computer to print screen, so I wouldn't have to print off all the posts etc. but couldn't. Really affecting. Maybe I'll go back and just ask to print off only the page it's on. Thanks again everyone. Shouylder is mending slowly.

Kathie , welcome and feel free to vent anytime, I know it helps me to be able to carry on when your not alone ! I'll pray for you and you pray for me

Gettingstrong,

This is absolutely terrible about this nosy cousin. It's really an invasion of people's privacy on a very personal level what people can find out about anybody currently with the use of internet, it's kind of scary, too!

Maybe if you start to separate out the fact that obviously there's a real dire need by your brother in his condition. He chose your son as POA, and that's that.
In some way it's really not even your mothers business, what your brother elects to do. You've described your son as being quite responsible. One could kind of understand maybe your mother complaining if there was proof otherwise. Also,
definitely there has to be some consideration given taking into account your mother's mental state.

Oh, I do understand your feelings about this issue. Our brother, "golden boy," had POA of some property dad left to all of us including mom in a Joint Tenancy.
When mom was on the verge of being diagnosed w/ALZ, I guess and I say guess because any dealings about the assets were done in secrecy by mom and golden boy. I think she possibly told him to transfer the title on this property so it could be placed in her trust. But before this could be accomplished......golden boy had to have the rest of we (3 siblings), sign a Quit Claim Deed. But here we are talking about the golden boy who was so irresponsible, and the siblings had suspicions he was digging his hands into mother's accounts, just tons of mis-management. Anyway the day my brother decided to gather us together to get our signatures, he did it in such a rogue manner, as in he was demanding signatures, not asking, no explanations. Besides the damn piece of paper he showed us, looked so dodgey. I was once a legal secretary for the railroad,
so I know what legal docs should look like. We didn't sign, not then at least.

He's no longer POA, thank the cosmos! Now my sister is. She's very controlling,
but at least I feel more confident that she's not going to do something questionable w/mother's money. We did sign off on it about a year ago, but at least it was done in front of an attorney, who thoroughly explained what we were signing, and the ramifications.

There is one mystery still that my sister and I have not figured out. Mother and dad bought a piece of land back in the 60's out in the desert. They never did anything with it, and it didn't have property on it. But after my dad's death which was in 2001, this piece of land was mysteriously sold, and my sister after doing some accounting.......we don't know where that money went. This of course was done during golden boy's rule with POA. I wonder if I can look this info. up?
Sometimes I've wanted to look up some info regarding this, but it stirs up some unpleasant emotions for me. You know how they say, HAAH! "What you don't know, won't hurt you?"

I used to feel just as you do with your mom, like that scared, intimidated child.
But we have to remember that these feelings come from our pasts, when we were emotionally immature. So have the courage, which I know you're working on.....you're on your way! We aren't that scared little girl anymore, and when we look at ourselves like this, it helps us to deal with our mothers. This has helped me immensly. Believe me.....I used to be very intimidated by my mom.

You're in my thoughts Gettingstrong.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Hi sharynmarie - thanks for asking - trying to catch up on all the posts! There are a lot! Was down at my mothers house for a week overseeing house painting - my husband was there and said it was too yellow - went down and it looked like lemon meringue pie - which does not go with the neighborhood! Caught it in time and now it is a beautiful creamy coffee ice cream color!

Therapy is awesome! I highly recommend it to everyone here! I am doing Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing - EMDR- and I swear it works! They use it for PTSD - which living with narcisstics or being raised we have! I have had 2 sessions - 3 prior to talk about issues - and when I went down my mother had left 2 messages for me on her phone - not in the least bit sorry for her treatment of me during Dentistgate. They were the usual crazy sarcastic with THAT tone to it? Usually I would feel guilty and go see her...this time - I listened and said out loud $&@&$ to the machine - and went my merry way. I didn't see her and I honestly feel ok about it. She has even enlisted her one friend by calling her giving her some sob story. Her friend text me saying it was time I go see her! Nope. She will abuse me again if I go now. So waiting a few more weeks. Setting boundaries feels great! Today is her birthday - sent some nice flowers and my daughter is going to see her.

Of course getting stronger in one area leaves me still open to having to set some boundaries with my daughter - and now my youngest son who seems to have substituted pot for drinking and back. Living with us and 23 - back in school after getting kicked out for poor grades - he broke the rules - doing counciling and about to start AA for him. Does this ever end? Trade one drama for another.

Other than that - life is good - hubby just made me a freshly ground cup of coffee and we are going to Apple Hill for the day - going to be 70 today! Yay! Hope everyone has a happy Friday!

Ok on my iPad and keep loosing the page! So from some of what I read - grandma names - I didn't want to compete with the other grandma - so I am Ama - which is grandma in Icelandic (my gma was Icelandic). My mother wanted to be called Gigi ( for great grandma). A friend of mine goes by Mimi and my dad was Boompa - my other grandmother went by Lulu - there are lots of fun names!

As far as the holidays - they have their own set of rules don't they? Now that we have a new DIL - we need to share. So we changed thanksgiving to Friday - the girlfriends and DIL can spend T-day with their family - my husband and I are going to do the Run for the Hungry - I will precook some dishes for Friday - and we are going to have a nice quiet dinner of cracked crab. I am so ok with the change! We also alternate Xmas eve and Xmas with the other families - but our tradition is Xmas morning in jammies, coffee and cinnamon rolls and presents - it is a come as you want - and no one misses it - it's relaxing.

It's so hard with other families and egos - but once I let go of it had to be on THAT day...it was actually better. Seems to be less drama too.

Just my thoughts for the morning!

Sad1~I will have to do some research on EMDR. I find it interesting that it is used for PTSD. I am sorry to hear about your son. Yes, it does seem at times that we no sooner get through one situation and then another pops up. You sound very up beat and happy about the therapy, good for you!! The fact that you were willing to change Thanksgiving to Friday shows that it is more important to be will your family.

I had to laugh the other day as my sister and I were exchanging emails about Thanksgiving. I started to notice my sister was making these plans for the day at my house. I had no objections about it so I didn't see a need to say anything to her. Then she caught it herself, realizing she was making these plans, she said, I just realized I am making these plans on Thanksgiving at your house, I didn't even ask if it as ok with you that I invite our brother over to visit with mom. I laughed because it is our brother and our mother, no big deal to me, I just told her the more the merrier!!

Getnstrong~It is a violation of privacy but unfortunately, these are public records. I was wondering though regarding the $10,000 inheritance, are you saying because nosy cousin is friends with the attorney that the attorney confided in nosy cousin about reissuing the check? If so, that is another matter regarding confidentiality.

I have a childhood friend, I posted about before that she moved to Texas during our senior year. Anyway, I search for her on the net and found out her married name, I could have gotten her address and phone # by paying something like $10. I didn't do it, because I felt it was a violation of her privacy. I felt if she wanted to be in touch with us, she would be on facebook. Well she is on facebook now. We have only exchanged a few private messages via f/b, that is ok. I think she is in touch more with another friend from our group that she was closer too. That is ok too, not a problem for me.

I have not visited with mom this week, giving her some distance hoping that her mood will be better when I go next time. I am thinking of taking my mom out for drive in the foothills, just to get her outdoors, walk around, have lunch. The place I am thinking of taking her is where my daughter got married, it is a flat day park so walking will not be a hazard. I can get some Kentucky Fried Chicken (she loves that), make a macaroni salad or potato salad. We can even bring Midget with us. What do you all think, am I taking on too much, expecting too much out of my mom? It would only be for a few hours.

sharynmarie - That is pretty funny about your sister - at least she noticed! I am really pretty ok with my mom situation - she has been asking a lot about when would I come - or if she would ever see me - hoping that my next visit will be better - and if she starts to get "that way" with me - I will go.

As far as your mom goes - does she have a hard time walking? It sounds like a wonderful day - I have tried to do that with my mom - she won't go anywhere anymore though - not sure if she is self conscience about how she talks - or if she is playing victim again - can't walk - back hurts - etc..hard to tell anymore. I would love to be able to do things like you plan on - and if she gets too tired, cranky etc - take her home. I do know - with my mom - the earlier the better - she tires out in the afternoon.

As my hubby loves to say about, How are you doing today, his answer to everyone who asks is, "I was better but I got over it." lol Out of 7 days a week as caregiver for my hubby, I would say 3 maybe okay, 1 day may be better and the rest of that week I wish Calgon would take me away. For those you you not familiar there was a soap called Calgon and when you had a bad day, put some in the bathtub and 'it" would take you away. LOL
Sharynmarie, despite what goes on with your mom I feel what you planned would do you both some good. Being together in a different setting, getting some exercise and enjoying a good meal is wonderful. Do what you feel your heart is telling you to do and it will be right most of the time. Hugs to you and hope all goes well.

This HAS been a week. Mother wouldn't see me or answer the phone - not really a disappointment. G said it would be a month of Sundays before he made another trip to see mother if it was him, and in the past he has been very good to her. Gut still acting up so couldn't see one friend, saw the church lady who ended up in tears over lunch when she confessed that her mother is just like mine. I think she is hoping she can "fix" my mother/have a good relationship with her but it isn't happening. Mother wants her to do this and that which is way beyond what this lady wants to do. I encourage her to set boundaries, and not to take a lot of what mother says seriously. The ALF director visited mother and told her to stop calling the staff thieves. Good for him - that is why she wants to move. The church lady was there and mother wanted her (M - the church lady) to stick up for her (mother). M explained that wasn't her personality. Mother told my sister that M would help with the move. M doesn't even know about the move -so it is games as usual. We figured mother has forgotten her pin number, as she did in the summer, so she is blaming me for taking control of her account
Got home and found that the g'son had done little except feed the cat and himself. I had made a bunch of lunches for G and frozen them and he ate most of them. So If I can't get the housework done, I will have to hire someone who can. My shoulder has been bad the past 2 weeks, and better now, but I know I have to look after it. Got my eyebrow and eyeliner tat. The gal was very nice and we had lots in common. She came from a dysfun fam and knew about BPD. She has built up a good business and I wish her well. I will go back in a couple of months for a touch up. The area is a bit tender, and the brows are too dark but will lighten in a week or so. But, it is great to wake up with eyebrows. I wish I had done it much sooner.
technology disasters - tv wouldn't work properly, corrupted file on my old computer, so the boot check got stuck, put in a new security program and it blocked the internet, so I switched back to my old one and in between an email got hacked, my external hard drive with backups is broken. but the good news is, I am getting used to the new 'puter and windows 8 and have moved some files over so I am getting there.

geth -I agree with the others, though I know it feels unnatural
sharyn - you know your mother well- an outing could be fun - just be flexible and have a back up plan so if she gets too tired or difficult you can change plans. I find I have ideas if a nice time with mother and they don't always go as I figured.
Hope everyone has a quiet weekend - me included - and no more tech issues to deal with. An advantage though, it keeps my brain busy. I troubleshot the TV problem and had it fixed before the tech got here. Looks like I have fixed the old computer - will know after a few more scans. So far never found a virus I couldn't get rid of. I shouldn't say that... tempting fate. I know I can't fix the external hard drive, so have to replace it. Setting up the new computer with Windows 8 is a bit of a stretch. I don't know if I have the update you mention sharyn - haven't looked yet and not sure where to, but I will figure it out.
so wishing us all peaceful productive weekend. love and hugs

You have had a crazy week emjo! I read with interest about your experiences with your mother and M the church lady. When my mother connects with a stranger I almost fear for the person when I see how completely unaware they are of how much emotional risk they are in as they get more involved. At the same time there is guilty relief for me that she is getting some of her emotional needs met elsewhere. I wonder how long M has been in your mother's life and how long she will be?

Bermuda - the church lady came into mother's life last spring I believe. She is training to be a deacon in the Anglican church mother goes to. I have exactly the same feelings as you do - fearing for another but glad to have the attention off me for a while. But I don't feel guilty. I have paid my dues. I am sure you have too. I don't know how long she will last. I know it is getting a bit much for her and she keeps talking about needing to learn better how to set boundaries. I can see mother is triggering off stuff to do with M's mother and that must be very painful. Her husband is a good support and limits her activities. She wanted to bring mother to her house for supper and her hubby said no. I am so glad he sets limits. Mother is good at making people feel sorry for her, and M has fallen for that. Eventually M will find out that mother is ruthless. I told her that mother likes playing the victim, but it is just an act to manipulate people. M said she sees that she is not meetings mother's expectations. Good luck - no one ever does. M wants to keep in touch with me. Her sis sets firm boundaries with their, but M recognizes that she does not do as well. This is a test for her, for sure. I hope she doesn't get hurt too much in the process.

firm boundaries with their "mother"but M recognizes ...
-sorry missed a word

time4me2~I do remember the Calgon commercials! I use to say it all the time when my kids were little, "Calgon, take me away!!! Having a bubble bath is a luxury.

Sad1~I hope you and hubby had a good time at Apple Hill. We haven't been up there in a few years. I love going in the fall, the colors are so pretty.

What was so funny to me about my sister is that I was thinking the same thing when I first emailed her about having Thanksgiving dinner on Friday.My brother is uncomfortable visiting mom by himself, he doesn't know how to handle her or relate to her. When he does visit her, it is when my sis and I are going to be there too. I understand his feelings and have no issues with him for not visiting more often.

Joan~Your mother is the one who lost out, it is too bad but your mother won't understand. Poor "M" having had a mother with a PD. I sure hope she can work on the boundary issues not just with your mother, but as a deacon, she will need to set boundaries with parishioners or she will be run ragged.

On my computer, when I turned it on the day I downloaded 8.1, it was a pop up for an update. When you have the start menu on your desktop, it will be in the panel called "Store", or you can google windows 8.1.

Thank you everyone for your input about taking my mother out for a little picnic. I am going to go through with it and i emailed my sis inviting her if she can get next Thursday off. She is excited about it, thinks it is a great idea and will ask for the day off as a vacation day.

I do not have any set agenda other than to have lunch, take a ball so we can play fetch with Midget. When I have gone to this park this time of year, I am the only person there. The Stanislaus River runs along the park with a large meadow grassy area that is great if you have kids so they can run wild. Mom does not have difficultly walking, I want to keep her walking as long as possible which is why when I visit her at the community, I take her out for a walk. It is only a 45 minute drive, so if mom tires we can leave easily. I don't plan on any major hiking, just enjoying the out doors and whatever happens, happens. I think getting her out instead of always visiting with her in the memory care unit will boost her spirits even though she may be completely negative the whole time we are out.

Do you know hard it is to type with cat on your lap, licking your hands and head butting the key board?,LOL!!

I know this is morbid, but every time I hear a train, I can't help but think of my co-worker whose mother committed suicide 3 years ago this month by standing in front of a train. She covered her eyes as the train approached...the lasingt effects on her 3 three adult daughters is horrendous. i also work with this woman's best friend, she frequently talks about "I don't understand, how could she do it?" "She has ruined her daughters for life!" How do family members go forward with their lives after a loved has committed suicide? I just can't imagine their pain.

Earlier this week I wrote in my journal that I feel like I am falling down a rabbit hole. My Mom is 92, 3 brothers (2local, 1out of state), 1 sister who is Bipolar (50's) and me 50's. I moved into the family home 4 years ago to keep her in place. Now I walk a tight rope between the Geriatric Ward and the Psych Ward. My Sister may visit for all of a couple hours each week. What she does do is call my mom 6-10x a day. It's not unusual for the brothers to go for weeks without showing their faces. Mom is doing ok but very frail. Needs me around for laundry, meals, heavy cleaning and lifting, her eye drops, lawn care for 2 acre property, driving .. You get the idea. I can't take my sisters drama any longer. If we have an argument she calls mom. Both mom and sister share the same narcissistic tendencies. The world revolves around them. My brother, the one that does call, listens to my sister and then expects me to get along with her for moms sake. I have dealt with having to step into my sisters life several times when she had episodes to get her help. She resents me for not being sick and responds poorly to my requests for space and help with mom. Then she feels guilty and lashes out at me in anger and tries to control the household remotely. It is a sick circle of dysfunction. I lost my job over a year ago, no health insurance and my nest egg has run out. I have applied for health benefits from the county and plan to apply for SSI. My brother has been paying my insurance for my car. I have to ask Mom for $ for food and fuel. I hate not having any $ in my wallet. I am depressed and fed up. My out of town brother is paying for the heat and concierge Dr fee for mom intending to deduct these expenses from the estate where he will serve as executor. My siblings feel that I should be caregiver because I live her for free. I am having trouble finding work because I am over qualified. My siblings think I should just find a job. I can't get the message through to them that it will be too difficult because my mom needs someone here. She is terrified to be alone. Thanks for this thread. It brings comfort knowing that there are others struggling with family issues too. Did I mention I am single. Haven't been on a date in over 5 years. How could I ever expose a man to this mess? I have 3 girlfriends to talk me off the ledge when I need it. Lonely and sad in NY.

Sharyn, it happened in our family, my dad when I was 12, oldest of 3 following the finalization of a very nasty divorce that took about 4 years. This is the stuff that extremely dysfunctional families are made of! A day has never passed that I don't wonder why. Mom became a basket case leaving much of her responsibility to her oldest daughter.

The sisters you mention are fortunate to have each other, at least they are adults and have the ability to express themselves and support each other. Children do not have those skills to help them cope.

Sharynmarie,

Well at least your sister realized it on her own that she was ready to come to your house for Thanksgiving. That's a good sign.

This sounds like a great idea for you and your mom to go for a drive, of course if your really think she can physically handle it, and most importantly if you can mentally handle it too! HAAH!

Last week amidst the grandma melodrama at my great nephews birthday party,
as soon as we arrived, my sister told me that mom was at home with the CG,
and the plan was for them to come later. Well my sister was in such a huff w/her melodrama, that her bad mood spilled over into the fact that a few hours passed of the main parts of the party, like eating, cutting the cake. Well mom, was still not there after my sister had called the CG on cell, to see what was happening.
Finally mother arrived when they were opening gifts. Now, my sisters anger was all on the CG, in her words, "I don't know why mom isn't here yet, the CG said they were on their way a long time ago." What had happened, was that I think once the CG was ready to leave the house w/mom, mom fell asleep. Well of course this is going to change the plan. But, my sister just had to blame someone, when there was a variance to the plan, she'd set in place.

When mom and the CG did arrive, mom was nevertheless very happy to see people, and truth be told the way I saw mom that day, I think whatever time mother spent their was enough for her. It's also gotten to the point w/mother that we have to bear in mind what kind of chairs she sits on, because she's very unsteady these days moving around.

Anyway, I'm not sure what physical shape your mom may still be in, but sounds like a good thing, even if you just take her for a drive. Looking at scenery stimulates them too.

Uummmmmmm! Those mashed potatoes sound great!
Also, I remember you'd mentioned making black eyed beans. I've never made them, and they're really good. Any recipes?

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

I agree there are variations and levels of disfunction. What has helped me deal with a mostly absent alcoholic father who now needs me is forgiveness. It is true hindsight is always better. I know I could have been a better parent and we all make mistakes. But until I forgave my father, I was filled with anger, hurt and guilt and felt unloved. In my father's old age, he is better at expressing his love for me and has worked hard to make up for his past. Prayer has helped me deal with all of this. I have to be careful to not be pulled into manipulation and protect my self but it is getting better. I encourage all of us to hold on to your own self worth and seek the support of others as we deal with our parents.