notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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- How do I deal with an emotionally needy mother who wants all of my time and attention?
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- My sole mate is sole care taker of both parents. Where do I find help dealing with this?
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Margeaux~I posted on your wall a recipe that I recently made without the vinegar and instant rice. It was very good and I will make it again. If you have no restrictions on sodium, you can always make the traditional ham hocks and black eyed peas in a crock pot.
Welcome to DaughterinNY and Scampie!! DinNY, it sounds like you have your hands full. I wish there was a way to get other family members to see the reality of needs but, alas...the words seem to fall on deaf ears. Learning toset some boundaries between you and your sister would help you out.There are many articles on the net about setting boundaries, detaching with love. Also google daughtersofnarcissisticmothers...a wealth of info on that site. Come back anytime, you will get suggestions, support with people who understand.
Scampie, forgiveness is very important. Many people think that forgiveness lets the offender off the hook, the truth is that forgiveness is for our benefit not the offender. It doesn't mean we have forgotten and it doesn't mean this person will be allowed in our lives in the same capacity as before...sometimes this person will not be allowed into our lives again. Come back and share some more when you are ready.
*Bermuda – I feel just the same when father turns his attention to someone else and talks their ears off. Better them than me!
*Sharyn - we learned when it was no longer safe to take mom by car. My baby brother once decided to take mom out. He said that when they got on the main road, mom grabbed the steering wheel. He had a difficult time trying to turn around and get back home ASAP at the same time trying to keep mom’s hands away from the steering wheel. After that, mom stayed home. My mom was very aggressive most of the time. Father refused to give her meds for it.
*Emjo – so the next time you and G both go again, will g’son still house sit? And what will you have to tell him in very simple words what you would like for him to do?
*DinNY – It is difficult when you’re overqualified. Is there a way you can apply for a part-time job and in your resume put it in a way that you are now seeking a new field and willing to start at the bottom with matching pay? I’m not sure how this works in the “real world” when it comes to jobs.
*Scampie – good advice about forgiving… I’m still working on it – when I remember to.
*Gladim – maybe our siblings who advice-from-afar think that caring for the parent is the same as with a child. Or if we just tell them, that the parent would do it.
Word for the day – (Oct 31st)
Knowing what you want is the First Step In Getting It.
by Dr Louise Hart
Here's an update on the settlement of my mom's estate. We never did get a response to the lawyer's letter nor did my step-brother ever return the lawyer's phone calls. However, I was in touch with my step-brother because mom's car needed to pass inspection so that the tags could be renewed. I don't need the car and my step-dad does. So, I also wanted to sign the car over to him.
Finally, the car passed inspection and this week I met with my step-brother to deal with the car for he had to bring proof of insurance. It was a rather simple process to remove my mother's name off of the car title with her death certificate which left me (the joint owner with right of survivorship) as the owner and then I was able to sign the car over to my step-father via his POA my step-brother who also had his dad's id card with him.
To my surprise, my step-brother then announced that we were going to the bank to have the joint account put only in his dad's name and remove my mother's name with the death certificate and he wanted to add his POA to the account. Once that was done he wrote me a check for the money promised before the funeral which the atty's letter mentioned plus some of the money that his dad had owed my mother for some time with the promise that the rest was coming. He then told me that in a few weeks his sister would be visiting and that would be a good time for me to come up to the house and get what the will listed of my mom's stuff that I wanted.
I've sense let the lawyer know that we have accomplished what his letter and phone calls sought to accomplish. I don't understand why they never responded directly, but at least things are being settled now.
Other than these things, I've taken the necessary steps to take my mother's name off of the joint accounts with right of survivorship that she set up over a decade ago and the same with the investments. I've also taken the steps to claim the land that was being held in trust for my by my mother which I'm now owner of and the land does produce some income each year.
My psychiatrist is thinking of increasing my anti-depressant medicine because of my lack of energy and motivation to get things done which I was doing earlier.
I will probably not hang around here much more, but I sure appreciate everyone's support and input over the years that I've been on AC. I think that I've been on here for 4 years.
Love, hugs and prayers for all in your various situations.
Sharyn - M's mother is still alive, and I can see that M is hurting from their relationship. Sounds like you have a good plan taking your mum out. Suicide is hard on any family, I know what it is like having a cat demanding your attention and horning in on what you are doing!
DinNY-sorry you are having a bad day. I am glad you are taking some time off. One day at a time helps. My sis and mother share some of the same issues too - no fun I know. Manipulation all around. Glad you have 3 g'friends there. Many people get paid for being a caregiver.. Could you draw up a contract with your mum? Good luck and keep coming back and venting.
cmag - glad things are working out re your mum's estate. What to do is a big question.
Austin -wise words learned from experience I know
countrymouse - treating your parent like a patient suggests some detachment which is a very good idea
madeaa - yes forgiveness is for yourself
glad - the lack of understanding by family is very frustrating. Sorry about your dad and that he felt that way - very hard on all
scampie - good words - glad your relationship with your father is improving and you are protecting yourself and have let go of the anger
margeaux - hope the caregiver hangs in there. Sounds like you mum enjoyed the "do" even if she was late
Still wrestling with computer issues. Now we have snow. Tomorrow should be a bit warmer, but the snow is here till March/April. I really want to move south!!! Love and hugs to all
None of mom's belongings are high end furnishings or antiques. Teacups with saucers, Royal Albert,ect all from Canada when Canada was still under English rule. Kitchen gadgets, silverware, some place settings of Corelle ware in Blue Corn Flower. Two couches with matching love seats different pattern from the 90's...beige and very neutral with some floral design, good condition. Coffee table with end tables all 70's with plastic fronts, dark stain Spanish Mediterranean style. A stereo in a large cabinet 70's, plastic front Spanish Mediterranean style with 8 track, turn table and am/fm radio..speakers are shot need to be replaced. Black leather rocking chair, black leather arm chair with some cracking in the leather. A 40's 04 50's dresser with mirror in a dark maple finish, mirror is in excellent condition as is the dresser 6 drawers. A 70's Singer sewing machine in a cabinet with 4 drawers, dark wood stain. Christmas decorations, a village of buildings some with light bulbs,etc. Misc. tools. Wall decor is a very large picture that reminded my dad of Ireland, castle,etc...Home Interiors Sconces with votive glass in amber and blue. Some Sarah Coventry jewelry. I am thinking that if we do the sale ourselves, we could get maybe $2,000-3,000. My sister is looking for much more. She thinks the stereo alone is a collectors item...I disagree. If we sell it to someone the real estate agents brings in as one lot sum, we may get much less because they are going to resell it at flea markets or auctions of some kind.
I was also thinking of doing it all myself by first having a kitchen sale, then furniture,etc. but it will not draw as many people as an estate sale will. Keep in mind, the picture I mentioned, has been in my parents house since the late 70's, my mom was still smoking then. The couches and love seat have also been there when mom was still smoking. Nicotine staining is going to be on all of it.
You will be missed,
Sharyn
cmag - Your input here has been very valuable and will be missed, but I understand
Alison -haven't heard from you in a while how are you doing?
I guess this is how grandkids are, well many of them. I often hear that younger generations were not expected to do chores, and this will definitely affect how much they do let alone for themselves, then others. Good to hear he does well with the cat and that the cat likes him. I know how hard this can be when one wants to go out of town, and we have a pet.
It sounds as if this a hard lesson for M, about her own mom.
I totally agree with Gary, about not visiting your mom.
I hope your stomach issues resolve. I don't know what symptoms you may be having, but have you ever tried ginger, in a tea, it's great for the tummy.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
This is a great idea, you having bought this book.
Well, it sounds as if you have plenty of people who could possibly help you.
Maybe if you categorize some of the items, such as, smaller things like jewelry and such.....things that would be easier to steal. If you assigned say for one/two of you to have them set up close by you, so it make it easier to keep several eyes on the items, then you may avoid some of the theft. Then if your nephews participate, or anyone else, they could keep track of the larger furniture.
Oh, and good luck with your sister. Here, I know she's in charge of the financial,
but she can't do some things here on account of her health. Well, if you emphasize that the goal is to liquidate, and what better way to do this.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
He, well.....they moved over a month ago. He used to jump our garden fence each morning, and come visit, give me some love. One of the last wonderful things he did......was if I wasn't paying attention to him, while on the computer, to get it.....
he'd lay over the keyboard. I sure miss him!
But I was lucky this weekend, because my gf came and spent 2 days, and brought her little dog. This doggy is so well behaved, unbelievable.
At first I was a bit annoyed w/my gf, when she first got this dog, and she didn't really ask me whether it was welcome in our apt. when she visits, as she stays, lives far from me. She rather announced she was coming w/her dog. But honestly,
this doggie is welcome. I'm such a sap for little pets.
Margeaux
M is learning some hard lessons. Her sister draws better boundaries, but M is very soft hearted, and narcissists make mince meat of those kind of people. She has to learn to protect herself more.
The gut issues are further down -left over from the candida infection, Considering I had that infection for abut 4 years and maybe longer I guess I can expect it will not heal over night, I am very happy to be off the meds, which shows I am making progress. Ginger is good!
Re mother, I feel little need to visit her but will look after whatever needs doing. That is needs, not whims! She has many of those which I ignore.
Great suggestions to Sharyn from you and others.
Sorry Osiris has gone. Would you ever get a pet, Margeaux? They are great company. Glad your g/f's dog worked out well. I have been wondering about a bird - budgie or parrot when Toonie goes, but I don't know how well they would do when we are away traveling.
Sharyn, you have many suggestions about selling stuff I hope you can work it out with your sis. I is a big undertaking.
Thinking of veterans today. My father fought in WW1. War is very traumatic for the soldiers - it changes a person. Hugs to all and have a good day.
Thanks everyone for the ideas. I did look on ebay at couches, of course what they are selling are much newer (mom's couches are 20 yrs old even though in very good condition). The colors may not be what someone is looking for by todays colors and style. Slip covers are popular today too. I still think asking around $250 for each set is fair...sis thinks more like $400. Sis watches all those shows like auction hunters, she thinks she knows what she is talking about. Sis has a '67 camero, it is a creamy yellow color. It has been totaled by the insurance twice, is rusting...but she thinks she can get $10,000 for it. I think she will be lucky if she get $5,000. It is not a pretty car imo. Whoever buys it, is going to put some $$$ into it to get rid of the rust, change the color, probably change the inside too, so why on earth would they spend $10,000 on it.
The thing is we either need to it ourselves or hire someone to come give us an estimate of what to sell all of it for to the person the real estate brings in. I am going to talk with my friend who owns the Diet Center. She mention that she knows a couple to will handle estate sales, maybe they would come look at everything and give us a price which I would gladly pay them for their time in doing that. I read online that having some one handle the estate sale for you, charges 30-50% of the sales.
I know it's been a while since you all last spoke about old friends of long ago. I saw this on one of my Daily thoughts (Nov 8) and decided to include it here.
It takes a Long time to GROW an Old Friend.
by John Leonard
I posted a couple pics of mom's furniture on facebook but no one has expressed any interest. I could always try craigslist and i would be like your sisters, I would not meet with anyone alone. Maybe I am not realizing the full scope of doing a sale, but I feel that my sister is making this harder than it has to be. She tends to want more than reality can give.
I read this great article that sums up raising children not to have an entitlement attitude.
I wanted to send you a Thank You, via the hugs page, and for some odd reason it wasn't working. Anyway thanks for the recipes. I will surely try them out very soon.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
When one raises their children early in life to be responsible for chores, and chip in this IMO, is a good thing. My sister decided that when her girls were very young,
she didn't put too much pressure on them in this area. She used to make comments relating it to how our mom put so much emphasis, in the wrong way about always expecting sis and myself to do all chores, even for our brothers.
If it's done in the right way, I think it really helps kids realize that they do have to do things for themselves and a sense of responsibility. Her eldest daughter wasn't affected as much by this, as she on her own knows that when dinner is over.....she takes dishes to the sink, and at least shows some concern about cleaning. On the other hand her youngest daughter, now 24......WOW! When you open her bedroom door, there's clothes on the floor and all over the bed. She even leaves trails of clothes and shoes in a small hallway, that is a common area of the house. My sister used to be amused by this, but more recently.....she complains.
Oh well, she only has herself to blame on that one.
We do have two doves, but they live next door in a small converted garage/studio space at my (wine drinker's) property. About 7 yrs., ago we had the doves living here w/us. But then our landlady from hell, found out, and slapped us w/a 3 day notice., the reason being we had the birds which my husbands rental agreement didn't include. I was so mad, and of course upset when this happened. We are quite lucky that we have this arrangement w/my neighbor. So I go there each morning, and do clean up of their cage and feed them. We do bring them here to our apartment once a week and let them fly. Of course I'm very careful w/the floor,
as I place newspapers down. They're very cute, I love our doves.
I do spend time with them also, as I use the studio for sewing. I've been working on coat for my husband.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux