The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Jam donuts, parakeets AND Lee Marvin? Can I come??? Madeaa, I'm so glad it's getting easier. Next thing you know your mother will be shoo-ing you out because she's busy… x

I am not doing well at all. Please pray for me. Every day is awful, except for my mother's smile. I don't know how long I can last. I want to die right now, but who would take care of Mom? I am it.

Tomatilla, from reading your profile, I assume your mother is no longer at the assisted living place, but is now being taken care of at home. It is sad that your relatives are in denial of your mother's condition. You sound burned out and depressed. Have you asked your doctor about an anti-depressant? If your feelings of wanting to die right now are very strong and you have thought of a plan, then please call 911 and get yourself some help.

Tomatilla, prayers, hugs, and love for you.

Tomatilla, I thought of you when I heard the recent news from yesterday on HLN. They had reported that more and more people were sneaking hidden cameras called granny cams, into their elderly loved one's rooms in the caregiving facilities. Some in the forms of plants, alarms, clocks, etc... They went on to report that by doing this, it showed such atrocities being done to their loved ones. In one incident, they badly mistreated their loved ones. For the states that it was Illegal to do this, by showing the videos, these states made it legal for the patient and the family to install the granny cams.

Of course, the Nursing homes and Assisted living places are against it - claiming liability issues and privacy laws. Yeah, right! Liability issues because the family can sue them for physical abuse or elderly abuse.

Please hang in there, Tomatilla. Your mom needs you now. And remember, her brain is slowly dying. She is not her normal self anymore. And the facility should be held responsible. As a facility for elderlies, they should have known that these elderlies are no longer of "sound mind." You come here and vent and vent. {{ HUGS }} to you

Tomatilla, have faith and be patient. Things will be sorted for sure.

Tomatilla, thanks for your hug, it was great to get from you, now you know what you need to do, we all go to a dark place sometimes, but remember you four cats, who'll love them like you. You must go on for you, do what you can, and when you can do no more by yourself get some help.

Tomatilla ((((((((hugs))))))))) and prayers. I am so sorry about what happened to your mum, In all of this, be sure to look after you Yes, get help if you need it.

Lee Marvin - works for me! Anyone else remember Cat Ballou.

Madeaa, I am so glad that your mum is settling down finally. It seems to take a few weeks at least.

minus 17, with wind chill feels like minus 33 here, more snow, and I am going out for dental surgery - I must be nuts!!! I hope the car starts.

Have a good day, everyone.

Yes, Emjo I remember Cat Ballou, my first boyfriend used to call me that, funny memory. Well, I do know it is one day at a time, I know she changes hour by hour and day by day, I am just glad that this particular day was okay, I had dreading thoughts going, so I was happy. I am not comfortable that she is settled at all, I expect more hiccups. It is cold here in Ireland, we get major wind, puts Chicago to shame, we call em gales, the Atlantic and Irish Sea are formidable and unforgiving forces at times. Staying in and drinking some tea and yes crumpets with homemade strawberry jam, homemade chicken soup for dinner, am I making you hungry? Good luck with the dental surgery Emjo, it is no fun, but you will reap the benefits later.

This past week I made 3 different kinds of soup -chicken, moose r

oooops -different kinds of soup -chicken, moose r

I don't know what is happening here with my computer - but thanks for the good wishes. I know I will reap the benefits later. Gotta go - will check I later.

What's going on Joan, two ooops, on those dental pain meds yet? har har har

Sharynmarie,

Oh....I'm sure sorry you're sister is acting up to the point of you backing out of the sale, but totally understand your position!! It's good that your husband and you, put your foot down with her, also. I find it really hard too, when anyone acts as if they're doing you some favor, no matter how nice it only appears to them.

Given that your husband also recently had his own health issue, it could be, that he just wasn't ready to fuss with moving furniture, not to mention yourself! Pushy, pushy!! I don't blame you for at all for backing out of the sale.

Yes, I'm having to watch my money too. No matter what, with these gas prices,
we are all feeling this.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Emjo,

What happened to your posts? Mango ice cream sounds good.
Yes, the coffee flavor is good, but not at night time, besides.....I need to stay away from dairy, so not a good idea for me.

Do you really think a letter would accomplish much?
I understand, though. I too, am thinking of telling my sister I'll watch mom on the weekend, as a way of making it up to her for her birthday, of last week I couldn't accommodate. But then, I was also thinking of just doing it, w/o the fluff of telling her. I have to watch this kind of stuff w/my sister because she interprets this as power plays coming from her end, something I know in my case has to do w/the dysfunction, which I have to stay on my toes about. There is something to the saying, "There's no being nice to some people."

All right Emjo I hope you feel stronger, and you're in my thoughts!
Ahhh the kitty, I still miss little Osiris. Maybe it's his way of taking care of you.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Tomatilla,

Please come back here as often as you want, and I understand that you can only share to a point, but you can always add other details. Some of us have done this here to protect our own privacy, and there's nothing wrong with that.

But please seek out help, if you are really feeling this. Try to have the faith, that this too shall be different. Meanwhile, your request is granted.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Well I am back and not on any pain pills yet, other than the ones I took this morning before I went - Advil and Tylenol. I usually do that and find it helps. Wasn't too bad at all. We decided to postpone the bone graft for the 3rd implant till I will be home for at least two weeks, as I will need a soft diet for about that length of time, and with the food allergies, and now restrictions with the IBS, that is hard enough at home, never mind in airports and hotels.
sharyn I think you are wise to back out of the sale. You and your hubby do not need more stress. As you have said, you and your sis see and do things differently. Take your mum for another outing instead. I can see from your past writings that your in laws have really not accepted you, and it has caused you some pain and still does. That must be very hard.
margeaux, I have found it true that there is no good "being nice" to some people. it comes back and bites you. My posts - new computer - still getting used to it. Will a letter accomplish anything - probably not. More below. The ice cream I makes is with coconut milk and you can buy some made with the same. Works well if you can't eat dairy.
ju - glad to see you back and that things are progressing re your mum and the house. You have been under a ton of stress. I hope you can have a few breaks here and there, Come back anytime and just let us know how you are doing,
countrymouse -you have a great sense of humor - love British humor. I will get back to you about the peppermint oil. The health food store around the corner may have some,
book - the curiousness goes in waves. Yes, mother wants things her way, her timing, and so on. It is the narcissism. She didn't want to see me last week when I was available, but she wants to see me this coming week when I am not available. If, by chance, she finds out that we are visiting my cousin while we are in the east, she will take it as a personal insult against her, and have a major hissy fit, as she and my sis should come first in my life. That is her position and always has been.
cmag -good to see you posting
sad1 -we haven't heard from you for a while.
Austin, I am still thinking about a letter, but not sure. It certainly is better than a phone call.
everyone - thinking of you

My sis arrived on the 18th and yesterday (19th) morning I got a phone call from her that she went to mother's ALF and mother wasn't there but was in hospital again. The ALF called me later and said she was constipated and went in the ER in the middle of the night. Then she had a BM and they sent her home in the morning. I suspect, from the timing, at least some of this was for dramatic effect. I had a good chat with my sis, and let her know that I would not be helping with any more moves as the last two have been too hard on me. My shoulder has never recovered. Sis said after being in Canada for less than 1 day she was already exhausted. We will chat on the weekend or sooner depending on how thing go. I am wary of getting to friendly with her as it always comes back and bites me.
Now need to get some car and other stuff done. This cold weather is hard on vehicles, and mine is not young. The freezing is coming out of my face and I make a short trip to the drugstore for the prescriptions and then will spend the rest of the day hunkered down,
Take care all, love and (((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))

Tomatilla~Yes, please come back, venting here is safe and you will get support and understanding. To further protect your privacy, you can set your private wall so others cannot follow your activity or read what others post to you. Hugs to you!!

Margeaux~The whole thing with my sister was rather surprising to me as she has not behaved this way with me since she quit drinking. I know she isn't drinking again. I have noticed since we place mom, she has gotten more angry and bitter. Last week when we took mom out for the picnic, as we were walking, sis started talking about how mom loved her dogs more than us. There was always a dog on her lap and no room for us kids. I told sis, mom did not get a dog until I was in 3rd grade so you really would have been too big for her lap since you are 5 years older than me. Sis's eldest daughter is just as bitter toward my sis (her mom). I did not feel this way about my mom's dogs. I got annoyed by the barking just like I do with Midget...maybe a poodle trait or small dog trait, idk. I am more convinced than ever that my sis has the personality disorder and I am seeing more and more of it popping out as I am having to spend lots of time with her now. Her problem not mine except when she disrespects my decisions like she did on Saturday. Hey, I would not have to bite her head off if she had respected our decision...she didn't have to "understand it", just respect what the other person says and move on, it's called boundaries, LOL!!

Joan~I hope you are recovering well after the dental appt. today. Waiting to do the bone graft when you are home for a couple weeks is best. I hope your mother gives you a break while your sister is there visiting. Isn't it amazing how a PD person wants what they can't have....it is such a mental game they play...they only want it when it is not available, I have seen it over and over again with my mom too. It is all about them being a victim. Take care of yourself, chicken or moose soup for the soul!! Hugs to you!

It has been a busy week. We have all been given extra hours this week with me having to work Sunday at a Stockton store. Then one of my co-workers came down sick on last Sunday, she came back today...but I have been called in early to cover her shifts plus they asked me if I would give up having Friday off to work in a Lodi store which will be overtime. Of course I said yes!! Well this same co-worker comes back to work today....she fell flat on her back coming out of the freezer. I was right beside her when it happened but it happened so quickly, there was nothing I could do to help her. She went to ER as her elbow seemed to take the brunt of the fall, she also said her back hurt.

I am off tomorrow and am taking mom in for a badly needed haircut. I do not like the way they cut mom's hair at the community...sis finally agreed she doesn't either..so I am taking her to the woman who has been cutting her hair for many years now.

Too much to do and never enough time, hopefully I can get caught up here at home tomorrow afternoon. As far as getting caught up goes, I was able to prune 3 roses bushes at mom's house on Saturday as the yard waste can was full. I got the flowerbeds all deeply soaked...LOL!!!, it has been raining since yesterday. Hopefully after Thanksgiving I can finish pruning.
Hang in there everyone, we can get through the tough times and good time together, hugs to all!!

I'm just idly picturing anyone in the UK hearing it suggested that they should carry on as normal if the temperature fell to -17. A country where snow-guards on train engines can't cope if we get "the wrong sort of snow." (No, really, that was verbatim the excuse the train company's PR man came up with). A country where falling leaves take everyone by surprise every autumn, and the transport infrastructure grinds to a halt with the first light frost. Where, predictably, the snow-clearing lorries get stuck in drifts and have to be rescued by farmers. Where, after a prolonged dry spell, the government finally got round to declaring an official drought on the very day that the government's newly appointed special minister for drought made his announcement to camera, with a perfectly straight face, standing under an umbrella in the pouring rain. The stereotype that English people talk about nothing but the weather is true, but you can sort of see why. Sigh. I'd swap charm for ordinary competence any day.

Emjo, MOOSE SOUP?! Never heard of that, must be a regional dish?

Gulp. Poor old moose. Is there any hope that that could be soup for mooses, rather than…? Lichen flavour with a moss garnish, perhaps? x

Joan, glad the surgery went smoothly. Thanks for the kind words all. Yes, this has been a roller coaster year. I just hope to keep moving forward. I have a better attitude down deep but I am just so darn tired/burnt out from the 24/7 grind and entering the 10th year, where did the time go...(oh ya that was my caregiver coma I was in). I have so much work to do to make this effort not a total disaster to my life....After all this time I gave up to care for her. it is a scary scary feeling to know at any time It all can just disappear, I could end up homeless. and knowing it is because I didn't know what I was getting into...how emotionally difficult this job is....how burnout and depression come with it...
I mean watching your loved one slowly check out...10 ys now, it is a cruel cruel disease and a sad solomn job! I have sacrificed my whole life just to keep her comfortable....but in the end whenever that may be,what will I have left?????

ok sorry.....just hope I can get us thru this mess, hope it is not too late.

have a good day everyone....
oh book, I saw that joe boxer commercial last nite on TV.....funny!

Peace,
Juju

Emjo,

That's a good idea you taking the Tylenol before your dental appointment. I'm glad that it went smoothly for you.

This is interesting that your sister feels tired....maybe it's the traveling.
Well hopefully this will work in you favor as to how inquisitive she becomes, and really difficult for you, concerning your mom. Yes, one does have to question the timing to your mom's visit to the hospital, but glad to hear she was sent back home.

I certainly can identify with your feeling of not getting too friendly with someone like her. My sister too, on the one hand....at times I feel that I talk w/her on the phone of course to see what's happening over at mother's. Then invariably she starts to tell me about what is happening in her world w/her own family, and then her boyfriend. But just about everything in that arena is so drama filled. She'll complain and complain...which begs for advice (I'm very discreet here), then she goes ahead and does exactly the opposite of what she's complaining about, or throws the bone in the soup. So it just for me adds up to, keep my distance.
When I spoke to her married daughter.....she even let me know that she at times has become my sister's therapist as it relates to problems w/sister's boyfriend, which I think is totally inappropriate. But my sister is guilty of trying too hard to be her girls friends, instead of a mother. My mom tried doing this, although not as often, because she was too busy pleasing her narcissistic sister. I had a nightmare about that one a day ago.

Your on to her though Emjo, and that's the best ingredient so we can detach.

Hugs, and hunkering down w/moose soup sounds good!
HAAH!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

my head is pounding, i feel that lump in my throat that i get when i'm stressed and as i sit here thinking about my sister and the convo we just had about gma i can feel my face starting to burn.

i've been trying to get in touch with my sister for over a week regarding gma's finances and she decides to call me back(finally) two hours before gma's doctor appt. asking questions, wanting explanations, expecting me to pull over on the side of the road because she needs answers?

i want to cry. i need to calm down.

when i told her gma said she didn't get her allowance(last week) she said "gma's full of shit". i'm so sick of hearing my family say these things. it pisses me off they don't understand.

GMA HAS DEMENTIA!! ITS PROGRESSING VERY FAST!
if any of my family would TAKE THE TIME to visit gma, call her, stop by or just take her out to lunch once in a while then MAYBE you'd understand!

i'm done venting(for now) thanks for listening every one & have a nice day.

cmag it was good to see you posting and hope you can continue with us-your insight is important to us.

gmaandsam~ Hang in there!! With my family, sis thinks mom is more progressed than I do. Sis is always trying to say that mom is incontinent when she isn't. Mom uses poise pads for the leaky bladder issue all us woman encounter by middle age including my sis...the caregivers tell me she is not wetting herself or soiling herself. I see mom more often than sis does. Family members don't always see what is going on and they think they know better than us when we are there all the time or in my case 2-3 times a week...most weeks anyway.

Mom got a hair cut, new eye brow pencils and sharpener, and poise pads so she is set to go...looking hot for 84!!

When we got back to the memory care unit, a woman was trying to leave through an exit door by mom's room. Two caregivers were holding onto her arms trying to redirect her attention (she was strong for an elderly lady), but with mom's door right there, she was kept trying to open it. Mom saw this and she started yelling at the woman, "Hey, that is not your room!" She started walking toward the woman. i stopped mom, telling her the woman is confused so lets go around the corner and let the caregivers get her calmed down, it will be ok. We went around the corner while they got the other woman calmed and back out to the main area of the unit. Mom told me they do this all the time trying to get in my room. I told her that the woman is just confused, she doesn't understand so let them handle it.

I am thinking that maybe it might be in mom's best interest to have her moved to another room that is not located by an exit. I don't know who much it may upset her to have her moved, but if she is not near an exit where other residents are trying to leave, she may not have to worry so much about her personal space. Mom is no longer wearing the watch alarm which means she is not trying to escape.

Well one worry to vent here....sis just told me she was told that the data entry she has been working on since Feb., there are only 10 cartons left...she is in a panic because there is another older woman (older than 65) that the company removed her from her position like they did my sister, putting her on data entry. Recently the transferred her to Stockton so she would not have to commute to Sacramento, and they reduced her hours to 20 a week. Sis will be 61 next month...I don't know what this means for her future, but I advised her to talk with the office manager about it. Ok, I am done!!