notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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As far as sis's job goes, she has talked with the person next in line as the office manager is out until next week. This person told sis she is not aware of any plans regarding her. Sis is very stressed right now because she will be done with the 10 cartons next Tuesday. As far as how this affects me, I foresee my sister having to sell her house (health issues for her), and moving to Kentucky to be near her daughters for support. I can't take care of my sis...diabetic stage 4, and other health issues when I am taking care of mom,plus a husband who is diabetic and recently had a stroke. How this will effect mom's care, I don't know since sis is the primary on mom's DPOA and executor on her trust. Mom made no inclusions for her to be paid out her trust for the time spent taking care of her or otherwise. I do not want to deal with the financial end of mom's estate...I would hire a CPA or other to take care of that for me because I suck at paperwork. I can handle her medical issues with no problems...so far. I do believe the reason her employer demoted her is because she was no making lots of mistakes and very slow due to her health She admitted to me she was making mistakes. I have already told her I can't take care of her. Yes, as one door closes another opens and sis will have to accept her options. Hugs to you!!
My theory is that Thanksgiving and Christmas are stressful times filled with many expectations plus family members gathering together.
Dysfunctional families do not handle stress very well just like a dysfunctional individual does not.
Heightened times of stress seems to bring out the worse or trigger the worse of dysfunctional family systems. I may be wrong, but this is what comes to mind in light of observing dysfunctional families over the years.
Anybody got a solution to this?! Because the holidays are on their way...
I just wanted to let you know that a client sent to us by email about a website called Spokeo. I typed in my name - nothing. I typed my 2 sisters and my brother's name and got hits. It showed their name, their home address, their age, phone number and even a Map of their House location! If you want more info, you can pay - and they will give you their marital status, occupation, and where they now and all their previous addresses. I even saw both of my sisters' property value! No Privacy! I strongly recommend that you all go to that website and see if your name is there. If it is, try to get the site to take it down. Dangerous to have all that info - a Map to your house!!!! If you're living by yourself! Dangerous.....
Thanks. One thing for sure, you can't adopt the role of peacemaker or messiah in a dysfunctional family to "fix it" or you will get crucified. The best you can do it to detach with love so that their emotions don't become your emotions. They might think you being strange by not getting out of control like they do, but you're the one being normal and modeling good, healthy emotional boundaries. Also, have some excuses for why you have to go somewhere for those emotional overload times and you just need a break. I like going for a walk or going back to the hotel room for a nap. Staying in a hotel when visiting relatives provides a safe place to escape, and tends to make a healthier visit than actually staying in their house.
This conversation you had with you sister about the dogs, I so don't like it when people use some small moment as here your mom was having a bit of fun, and now sister has to be a kill joy! It's too bad she can't look at this as, at least your mom can still have the endurance and it gives her some kind of fun away from the ALF.
My husband many times will make statements, not like this.....but in his line of work. If he's heard someone else got hired for his job, he says something like,
"Oh, they should have called me." I for some years never said anything to the contrary about these statements. But I have more recently, such as...."you should be grateful, for the opportunities you've been given," which he has. But do you notice that people who think like this, they'd rather look for the negative, such as they don't have, didn't get......it really amounts to they lack. So they become whiners! I so don't like it, when it starts to become too much of a pity party.
Draining!
I completely agree with Austin, that you stand your ground with her about her future. She's like my sister, a complete piece of work!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Probably many people have felt different feelings about the gifts they've received.
It can provoke as in your case the gifts weren't the right ones, as in people don't really know who you are, hence they don't get a gift that is more in line with who you are. But this is also when the expectations come into play.
It's interesting also, that in families the whole idea about Christmas has become based upon some bogus status related to the gifts people exchange. How childish many people have become. This is not a nice attitude towards your niece, either.
At least she tries, even in her circumstances.
I used to get inexpensive gifts also for all my nieces and nephews when they were kids. I had eight of them, plus a few other people on my list back in those days, so that's what I could afford, and if they didn't like it, well tough! But this has always been something very superficial about the holidays that I no longer participate in.
I'm a believer that the thought does count for a lot, rather than the market value of the gift.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
As for the holidays, we did our best to keep the "traditions" going. But, when you have a dysfunctional family, it does tend to "liven" up the place. Embarrassing when you have non-family there to witness it all. I just like the holidays for the food.
Hotels are great to stay in - instead of at the relative's home. You get up, have your morning cup of coffee before meeting the gang. Then you also have an excuse to leave the home to go back to the hotel. This way, you're not up all night talking.
Country Mouse, I tend to take my book every where I go. When the family starts to get "boring" as in "same old, same old", I pull out my book and just read. When they ask me a question (to choose who is right), I always give them this blank, distracted look. After they try to explain it to me several times (making sure I have a puzzled face), I say in frustration, "Whatever! I'm not listening, I'm reading my book."
As for my niece, I Knew that was all that she could afford. But also know how my other family is like, too. Imagine niece's $10 gift compared to those expensive $200-some digital games. I don't even know the names of those games. PS-something... My other teenage nieces thanked her and said how pretty the costume jewelry is. Atleast they were brought up to show appreciation.
Margeaux, you made me giggle when you said "expectations come into play." I am so bookish, when my ex-bf got me a red heart balloon, a box of chocolates and a rose for valentine, I was soooo disappointed. I smiled and thanked him. But I would soooo much have preferred books or costume jewelry. (Unfortunately, he was the jealous type. He kept trying to get me to tone down my attire. He would never buy me jewelry that would cause guys to look at me. Ha! I may have been timid but I wasn't going to go in public looking dowdy. sigh... we clashed a lot. Hence the "ex." )
I do not care about those things
it is the people, I want to see.
I hope it will be distraction free,
for all of us.
I do need to get a plan together for the holidays tho, it is a time that makes me feel disconnected not having any family. Actually that is a lot of my disconnect in general....i came to realize thinking about this. I have always felt disconnected or that i didn't fit in because of the lack of family....and especially children...it was never my choice not to have children, i wanted to, it just didn't happen. And as age and time go by that one really bothers me (BTW i turned 50 in October and that wasn't a good moment for me as i was under so much stress it got to me, it seems to be a milestone of sorts for me) anyway....how did this happen? what is the reason for this??? oh I ramble on here....
but my point is that i do need to prepare for the holidays
Austin, i love the idea of doing something for the folks in a ALF/NH....Usually i bake bake bake, but we have no kitchen, or money for that matter, maybe me n mom could just go an visit and sing carols or whatever.
Well thanks for letting me vent this week again, it was therapeutic for me, feeling much more positive and motivated, i had been stuck and frustrated again for a bit!!!!
Hope you all have a wonderful day and weekend!
Peace,
Juju
The reason I came to this thread, going on three years now, was because of a narcissistic aunt. She was mom's older sister. My sister the main caregiver had her hands more than full, then also mom. She was horrible, truth be told.
She did everything from abuse to my sister, her daughters, me, the caregivers.
After she passed one of the paid CG's confessed to my sister, that on one occassion as she was trying to brush our aunt's hair, she pulled the brush out of the CG's hand, and hit her on the head with it. She also caused so much division w/in the family by first favoring, our brother "golden boy," with mother being her accomplice. He had POA, and was spending their money. But later, she got into a fight w/him, revoked it, and it was handed over to my sister.
But about a year just before she died, she was already trying to divide again, by bad mouthing my sister to our youngest brother. He's been the fence squatter in terms of being involved in family squabbles, and caregiving. But while the threat of POA, being handed over to him.....there seemed to suddenly be some tension between my sister and him. Obviously, he was believing some of whatever it was our aunt was saying about my sister. She made my sister think that POA had been revoked, meanwhile she was living there in mom's home w/my sister, being cared for by her, etc. and getting all her needs met. Thank the cosmos, that the attorney who handled the matter, messed up, and never filed it properly.
But when she passed......I was totally insensed by the fact that I come into the funeral parlor. I sat way up front next to mom, and my siblings. I looked straight ahead, to look at the open casket. I was shocked to see the inscription on the inside of the lid of the casket an inscription which read, "Mother."
I mean my real mother, was sitting right next to me, so this really felt like a slap in the face. Now this apparently, was no sloppy mistake from the funeral parlor, either. I tried asking my sister what this was about a month after the burial.
My sister explained to me, that when she and my two brothers went to plan the funeral, there weren't many caskets to choose from. She also said that if we wanted one w/o that inscription we would have to wait, like they would have had to order it. I didn't believe this explanation, really had the gut instinct my sister was lying to me. But this really drove home the point to me, HOW DYSFUNCTIONAL, my siblings really are!!!!!!!! Especially my sister! She who for the last 2.5 yrs. had called me daily w/complaints about our aunt, and now to think they'd succumb to sick idea by putting, "Mother," on the casket.
So I do understand what terrible feelings and emotions this has got to stir up, in many of us. Many tines too.....I just feel that people just say stupidity because they have a need to say something, something many times very far from the truth!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
We keep things simple, it is only 4 of us now. I do make the traditional turkey dinner with all the sides. As far as gifts go, with our son and daughter, we send them gift cards...it is just easier since they live far away. Our daughter's birthday is Monday, her hubby bought her a portable sewing machine...we got her a gift card for JoAnns Crafts and Fabrics.
A co-worker of mine, she has a brunch at her house...puts on a whole spread of food and serves mimosa. She feels that since her children are married, they should be making their own traditions within their immediate families and by having a brunch, they are free to see in-laws and do their own thing the rest of the day.
LastResort – I'm so glad that you are making your family come first. With the economy suffering, I would not even think of quitting and relocating. Your mom has a perfectly good house that she can move in but refuses. If she continues to worsen, you may feel obligated (or not) to bring her into your home. I strongly do not recommend this. If she has income, there are other options like Assisted Living and similar housing for the elderlies. Worse case scenario, she can sell her new home to pay for her new home, Assisted Living. When a parent moves in, they expect to be catered completely above your spouse, children and your life. So beware of the Guilt the parents try to impart. Thank goodness that there are always Alternate options other than having a parent move in!
LEHaven, with your sister threatening Social Service, they will be obligated to interview you all. I've read here where this has happened with several of the posters. It's a tedious procedure. And every time it happens (same sibling - several times), the Social Service finds Nothing Wrong. Unfortunately, she will continue to haunt you all..until she bleeds you all dry. Even then, she may not believe it and think you're lying.
Are your parents active members of the senior citizen organization in your area? If not,perhaps they can join. There are activities in which the senior citizens go to weekly. In our small island, they go to the free community center (for everyone, even a basketball gym, tennis court, etc..), play bingo, dance, free lunches, etc… This way they get to have new friends and enjoy it.