The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Thank you for the welcome Carolynn and bookluvr. I worked in healthcare for almost 15 yrs. I still don't understand why it's such a threat to call a hotline number for "elder abuse." It is after all there to protect seniors. My dad has expressed he doesn't want to have to deal with all of that. But you are absolutely right. My sister will continue to try anything to keep us in her crazy world she rules. But mom and dad are done with it. If they don't want to call her they don't have to. She can post anything she wants and we ignore it, she cal call Social Services and we are all more than welcome talk with them. We are taking the power away from her ruling my parents emotional well being. She might get more drastic and has. It's the same vicious circle and we've decided to leave her alone in it. I think my parents have better ways to enjoy their lives than to waste it on a hopeless situation. I don't use their phone, I have my own. Their phone is theirs to do what they want. My mom has over 200 family members she talks to on FB all the time.

Mom and dad get out a couple times a week, Dr appointments or some shopping, or just plain fun with people I know. They didn't have very many friends when they first came back to Washington. But when I came back in 2008 they have met many of my friends who have become their friends and call them mom and pop. A lot of business owners I know give them the royal V.I.P treatment when we go out. There is a senior organization here locally but they don't go to it very often. They have their favorite places to go. Bingo sometimes, a walk in the mall when it's to cold out, library, movies, lunch, hanging out with friends over coffee. A lot depends on their energy too. Dad and I try to help mom stay out of the crossfire. She really has delicate emotions and when stressed out can go into a respiratory distress. It happens all to many times. She's had a very emotional and physical abusive father and it doesn't take much for those flash backs to come on. I appreciate the support here so very much. I will be coming back to here the support and see the resources. I need a place to vent when things get overwhelming. I talked to my dad about coming here for support too but he doesn't want to. I think he's pretty much old school from 1930's lol! But anyways, thank you much. I'll check in later to get more used to the interface here and all the other things that help us to take care of ourselves so we can be best of help for our loved ones. (((hugs)))

Christmas can be stressful and depressing. I try not to get into the hype of the consumerism. When things are peaceful in the house hold I do my Christmas cards to all my friends and family, write little notes in each one and draw holiday pictures on the envelopes. Buys or make gifts for the kids in our family. I make "tooth fairy bears' that have a pocket to hold a tooth the kids can sleep with. Never been able to test and see if it's possible to get the bear away when they sleep with it and not wake them up! That must be where "the monster under the bed" comes from when we trying to be the tooth fairy LOL!

Welcome, LEHaven. There are so many people here with so many different experiences never a day goes by that I don't learn something new. I also realize I am not alone, there are lots of dysfunctional families out there! My siblings called APS to have me investigated for financial exploitation. They knew it was a completely false report when they did it. I too, said bring it on because maybe then they would finally believe what I had been telling them. The investigation went very quickly and was closed within weeks. The nerve of them! I care for my mom with AD, and her husband with general age related decline, though I see his brain slipping every day. I was so careful about not doing anything that could even be scrutinized by APS. Never in my life was I so relieved to be an honest person. One thing I would have liked to have seen are the reports that were generated from the investigation but was told the only person to see it, unless subpeonaed, is a judge. Let sis have at it, the report could be a good thing to have in a court file in case you end up there.

Margeaux~Yes, my sis made me very angry that day...she also got on this kick saying that since I have had Midget, she has gotten fatter, she doesn't like that the groomer is cutting Midgets ears shorter saying she looks like she has a bob cut. For some reason my sis has pushed the idea of letting my brother have Midget using the excuse that he has 3-4 other dogs for her to play with. He also has 4 other cats...Midget can't handle not being the center of attention, LOL!!, she learned from my mother!!! I have one cat for her learn to socialize with and there are times she is too territorial with him...how would she handle 4 other dogs and cats? Sis just doesn't want mom to see Midget on a subconscious level, IMO...to deprive mom of any pleasure.

It is the same thing with sis at her job. She felt being in corporate and being in accounts receivables gave her recognition of being important. In the beginning, she was doing really great because she was the one who initiated going after customers who were defaulting on their accounts. She made calls to customers and payments started coming in so they made it her primary job and she was included in conference calls every Monday. This made her ego soar to the point that we were not to expect any communication from her on Mondays, do not bother her with emails. Then her health took a nose dive and over that last 5 years sis's popularity at work came to halt. She feels they owe her because of all the years she has worked for them, her loyalty to them and can't accept that she is no longer corporate but just a regular employee with no real job security. I know this is hard for anyone to take with their employer, but it is the hard cold reality of the world we live in. Her employer has been basically loyal to her in return by putting her in a data entry position with no reduction in pay. What it all comes down to, is sis wants attention for her work, either on the job or privately...doing things for our mom. This is our family dysfunction that she has yet to work out...she is not going to get lots of kudos at work for just being competent...and mom is not going to recognize anything she does for her because 1) it is expected of her as a daughter, 2) mom has a personality disorder and her world revolves around herself, 3) mom has Alzheimer's Disease, her world revolves around herself. Sis needs to quit seeing herself as a solution to everyone else's issues and focus on accepting that she is not the fixer of everyone's issues who gets kudos for doing it.

I do hope for my sister's sake that they are no going to reduce her hours...sis plans on working until...she basically passes away. She says she can't afford to live any other way.

Hugs to you!!
Sharyn

HI all and welcome to the newbies. This is a good place to share and vent, and learn things,

We had a real cold spell, but it is up to the freezing point now which is much better. The car actually started yesterday with no problem.

Sharyn -you mention about your sis behaving as she did when she drank. Alcoholics can go on "dry drunks" where, even if not drinking they can act the same way, have the same attitudes. Usually this is due to not dealing with the feelings/issues they have in life. I think your sis has similar to your mum. Talking with my sis I noticed that she often referred to things being special. her food allergies - no one has seen anything like them. Her room and treatment in the hotel - very special and so on - just like mother. You are right PDs want what is unavailable and love being the victim. A different room for you mum sounds like a good idea, considering that episode. Glad she is not trying to escape any more. Sorry your sis feels insecure in her job, but nothing you can do about it. I went through a period like that at work when things ere being reorganized, but it ended up not affecting me. It happens and she will have tp deal with it.
madeaa - acceptance helps a lot. "more changes than carter's got pills" . haven't heard that on a long time. Gotta go with the flow. Hope your mum is slowly settling down - not that there will not be some problems.

Going to post this so I don't lose it and continue...

countrymouse - I think Canadians are particularly blasé about the cold, ice and snow. We get so much about it. I know there are places in the US where schools get shutdown in bad weather. Here I can only remember that happening once in over 30 years. Love the story about the drought announcement in the pouring rain. I love the UK. Spent many happy years there. Canadians talk about weather too.
glad and cm - yes, moose soup! I will make soup out of anything. Gary got moose last year. They were eating hay bales which were stored for the horses. We did some major butchering in the kitchen. I had moose blood on the ceiling!!! He was going to throw the ribs away and I said Keep them for soup! You can make anything out of moose - stew, pot roast, steak, stir fry, hamburger dishes, (we ground some) etc. The biggest problem is having a big enough soup pot. I had pics on f b of a pronghorn head with antlers in my big soup pot - not for soup, but to clean the skull.
ju - glad to see you posting again and thinking ahead even if the picture is not rosy. As much as possible you need to look after you and your future too. I cannot imagine how you deal with all that you do. My last nerve would be beyond frayed.
margeaux -I always take a painkiller before I go to the dentist. I do think it helps. I think sis was stressed by mother. She didn't mean physically tired. Distance/detachment is the wisest.
gmaanndsam - sorry about your stress, that your gma's dementia is progressing fast and that your family can't see it. We see that here time and again that family are in denial. My sis who has a diploma in counselling - still does not accept that our mother has a personality disorder, though it was diagnosed about 6 yrs ago. It doesn't help, nor do the "imperious" demands for information at their convenience.

EMJO, all I can say is EeeWwww.

Well I did mess that post up, but that's OK. Lol
To continue...
glad - holidays do bring out some deep feelings which are things dysf. fams. do not deal well with, and the narcissist have to create more drama to be the center of attention. Have you seen Christmas carols for the psychologically challenged?
1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens Disoriented Are
3. Amnesia --- I don’t know if I'll be Home for Christmas
4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and ...
6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me
7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
8 Full Personality Disorder-- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why
9. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells ...
10. Agoraphobia --- I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House
11. Senile Dementia --- Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House in My Slippers and Robe
12. Oppositional Defiant Disorder --- I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House
13. Social Anxiety Disorder --- Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas while I Sit Here and Hyperventilate
Laughter helps.
cmag - I have found that that any special occasion brings out the dysfunction
countrymouse - detachment and boundaries. Mother did her best to ruin my last Christmas last year, so I tightened the boundaries, detached more and did not see her. I have changed my expectations to expect difficulties from her and have decided that I am not playing the games. Yes, it may be terrible in some people's eyes that I did not visit my mother at Christmas, and I expect that she made a point of letting some people know she was alone. What they don't know is that she was very nasty before I came to visit, and refused to see Gary. I drew a line in the sand, the result of which was that I did not visit. Probably she will never forgive me for that, but that is her problem, not mine. Keeping your dignity is important –
book - the whole matter of gifts can become such an issue. I like to KISS - keep it simple and also not expect much. There are lots of sites where you can buy information about people. It is a bit shocking, you have developed a good strategy with your reading and blank look. Sounds like you gave your sis some very pretty pieces. Glad you stood your ground with your ex bf
Austin, I am like you. I refuse to get crazy over Christmas. That is not what it is about. I decorate very little, and at the last moment usually, keep gifting easy. Even the grandkids are getting old enough they are happy with a little money. G and I exchange a little, but not much. I am at a point in life where I want to get rid of stuff, not accumulate more. The spirit of Christmas should be year around in my view. Brightening someone else's life in any way is a good gift.
cmag - couldn't agree more about staying in a hotel room and going for walks. It keeps me sane.
margeaux - good for you for speaking up to your hubby about the negatives, I am better at that than I used to be. G is pretty up beat but gets down once in a while, and he takes it well. I am happy if he does the same for me. There are others, like mother who make a career of complaining, and usually redirecting the convo works better. Yes it is draining. I do agree about not going overboard trying to please people with expensive gifts. It is very superficial.
juju - making gifts is a great idea. I have had some inappropriate gifts from mother too. It used to hurt but not so much anymore. Hope your cold is better. Talking with a bff always helps. Hope you are making some holiday plans. Carol singing sounds great!!!
marialake Hi - I don't think what you wrote and feel is awful. But for your own sake, letting go of the anger would be good. Hearing others say how wonderful he was is not easy. I have heard that about my mother in the past and I think – “If you only knew" and let it go. But, I have done a lot of work dealing with anger. Writing it out - maybe in a letter form to him might help. Then burn the letter as a symbol of letting it go.
twentanon -yes, peace... hope... joy...
Sharyn –I pray for the same for you

Think I have this post straight so better hit “SUBMIT”

glad - lol - moose is good meat, as is caribou, elk, bison etc. I have a degree in science so butchering comes naturally for me and I don't gross out easily. People here value wild meat. I gross out at processed foods, recipes that call for things like hamburger helper, or Pillsbury buns etc. Make it from scratch for goodness sake, then you know what is in it. I know what the moose eat and they aren't filled with antibiotics. I think a large part of current health issues relates to processed food, fast food and so on. There are trans fats in more than you think and they not on the label. Alz is being related to diabetes type 2. I do think, in part in some cases, lifestyle makes a difference.
I will get off my soap box now. :)

Emjo stop! For goodness sake I'm trying to be sensible and deal with family doctor right now, it won't help if I keep tittering to myself… x

cm - sensible can wait. It is OK to be unsensible, even insensible occasionally, if for the right reasons...

Memo-
Where is the We three queens dysfunctional are? Would be perfect for my two sisters and I! Thanks for the chuckle, really needed it this am sitting on my pity pot, and feeling so isolated! Had lunch out yesterday, Christmas music already? Come on! Sorry, going to take me quite awhile to get used tithe idea of moose and butchering it too! EeeeeeWwwwwww!

glad. I think the titles are it, but you could make up lyrics yourself. It would be more fun than worrying about the family dynamics. Christmas music and advertising this early gets to me too. Isolated!!! I identify with that and not because I am stuck in looking after a senior, unless you call looking after myself the same thing. I go days with seeing no one but the mail lady (and she doesn't chat), and the odd delivery person. G is away for most of the week at times and with the cold weather, my car wouldn't start and I don't want to go out in it anyway.

The other night a deer squeezed through the fence by the chimney and came into the back yard. I was not impressed. They have already eaten my globe cedar in front, so we had to trim it to a half globe. I have 3 large pyramidal cedars and a globe cedar in back and I don't want them eaten. They seem to particularly like cedar, and I am the only one who has them in this area. It was late when I noticed, so I hauled on my big boots, put a warm coat on over my night attire and went out to inspect. Found a couple of wooden pallets in the back and lugged them through the snow to the two gate areas to close off the spaces as best I could, and positioned a couple of planks in addition. Then went inside and figured I was foolish to do it at my age, but no harm seems to have been done. How's that for a crazy old woman?

When the going gets tough, the tough get going, and sometimes we need to be silly too. I think the three queens would fit my sis and my mum and I too.

I'll start:

We three queens disoriented are,
Bearing grudges from near and far
Younger and older, anger will smoulder,
Leaving many an emotional scar.

Ohhh oh - scars of anger, scars of hurt...

and I mean absolutely no disrespect to the One on whom the original star shone. He is my all in all.

((((((((hugs))))))) to all, be good to you and do something a little silly today so you can laugh at yourself.

“You've gotta dance like there's nobody watching,
Love like you'll never be hurt,
Sing like there's nobody listening,
And live like it's heaven on earth.”
by William W. Purkey

And live like it's heaven on earth.” ...

Thanks everyone for being here!!!

My chuckle this morning was my sweet Mama....Tuesday at the height of my cold I was laying in my recliner/bed here coughing and sneezing like crazy all morning....nose would not stop running so I stuffed tissues up it. have a big scab on my chin from a freak accident with a "hot Pocket" anyway I am miserable looking and feeling I look over and she says her thing "Oh you are so pretty, my pretty girl"
And I am wondering who the hell she is talking too?, certainly cant be me!!
Well I just reflected on this moment this morning... "A face only a mother could love, heehheehehe" cracked me up!

Joan, do be careful!!

ju - that's funny!!! hehehehehe!

re be careful - I know - either I need to get busy and get fitter if I am going to do things like that or not do them. Maybe a few rounds on the exercycle daily...

Ho Ho Ho!!
I am loving the takes on the Christmas Carols for us dysfunctional queens from disoriented are,LOL!! That fits sis, me and mom too!!

Joan~I have not eaten venison or other wild game...never had the opportunity. My brother who lives in Montana is a wild game hunter, elk and deer. From what they told us, they can only eat it 2 times a week because they get diarrhea from it. I have had wild birds like duck and pheasant. Mom grew up with having wild turkey for the holidays...haven't had that either. Once a year, here in town, they have dinner (don't know who sponsors it), it is all wild game, bear, elk, deer, bison, etc.

I agree with you regarding sis, it is her problem. This is the first time she has had to deal with feeling insecure at work. I think some things are happening to her later in life regarding these issues, than when I experienced them earlier in life...causing me to change how I looked at life. You know, when you get hurt badly enough, you either grow from it or become more closed up. For the most part, I grew...whether sis can do that at this point in her life (I am not sure she grew after 3 failed...major relationships in her life), she either blames herself entirely or blames the men entirely...there is a middle area where most of us can see what we did wrong and change it. Sis doesn't change it. Of course she blames mom.

On a happier note, I am off on Thanksgiving, YAY!!! I am also off on Friday which I requested because I figured I would Thanksgiving and we would have dinner on Friday. That has changed, we will have dinner on Thanksgiving. I plan to put up the Christmas tree on Friday...get all that out of the way since last year, we didn't do it until a couple days before Christmas. Normally we don't put a tree up this early, we usually do it on my birthday which is 12/15. I want to get it done so I don't have to deal with it later. I am going to get a couple cookie platters for the caregivers in the memory care unit with a card thanking them for all their dedicated service for all the residents.

Yes, I do believe that moving our mom to another room is best. I told sis not to expect a complete turn around with mom in regards to her thanking us for it, but I do believe it help to rid some of her anxiety so she does not feel she has to stand guard at her door. We will go in to decorate it with curtains, family pics, plaques of recognition from work and the church...that no longer recognizes her. I think that with our mom, it is best to put the focus on herself instead of loved ones. I will bring down her Christmas village from the rafters to put some of the buildings in her room for the holidays. We haven't set a date yet but probably after thanksgiving. If sis pulls her game again like she did when we first moved mom there...her orchestrating the whole thing, I will bow out. Not because I want control, but I am not going to deal with someone who wants to follow exact rules of how to hang a picture...no patience for that stuff..and really mom isn't going to notice, only sis will.

Enjoy this next week, the holiday...embrace it and be Thankful!!

Just an update from a previous post....A woman I went through school with went missing a few months ago...she has returned home. I don't know the details as to why she left...but she is safe and home.

glad she was found, Sharyn

Here I am not asleep yet. G and I were supposed to be going east tomorrow morning.. He called this morning from the horses and didn't sound good, A colt kicked him a week ago and he has a couple of broken ribs and has been trying to carry on as if nothing happened, and he can't. Finally, he went to get some pain killers which he does not take easily. and is on Percocet, It has meant a change in flights both on the trip down and returning for him, This does not work well for me. We were going to rent a car and visit my cousin and do a few other things and I seriously wonder at the wisdom of him driving around the Toronto area while on Percocet. He should be taking pain killers so he can breath deep and avoid getting pneumonia apparently, and resting, He has had a cough the past few days. Not a good picture, Usually he looks after the big bags. I don't travel alone with the big one, but he may have difficulty with his own, without looking after mine, I heard about the changes by text about 10 pm tonight and that is too last minute for me. I tried to get a hold of him but he wasn't answering his cell phone, I left a message, sent a text and sent an email -finally saying it didn't make sense to me for me to go and for us to drive around and visit when he was not in great shape and on Percocet, so I told him to I wasn't going and to cancel my ticket. I will tell my cousin we can't make it this time. If he had called and talked with me earlier maybe I would feel better about it, and we could have worked something out, but as I see it, it makes no sense for me. Oh, these guys who figure it all out and expect you to follow along without any consultation!!! Doesn't work for me. Truthfully, I am a bit p*ssed off at the lack of communication. Oh well. Maybe the next one will go smoother. We had quite a few trips this year which worked well. The next one should be our holidays. Now I am in a bit of a bah humbug mood

Emjo, I think cracked ribs can be very serious and actually be a major contributor of pneumonia developing. Sounds as if you have cancelled the thanksgiving trip. This sound like a very wise thing to do. Hope things are better this morning.

Emjo, agree with glad - cough and cracked ribs lousy combination. If he got the painkillers from the pharmacy and not the doctor, he needs to see a doctor and get his lungs listened to. Remind him the painkillers will mask other symptoms, he can't rely on just not feeling too bad. Sympathise with your intense irritation - this habit of theirs to carry on regardless when it's OBVIOUSLY not going to work and you end up having to change tack at the last minute? Extremely annoying. Are you not tempted to add a thick ear to his injuries..?! But wish him better - and at least you get some unexpected free time??? x

Yes Joan, when mom broke her rib in June, they had me checking her breathing regularly. The lung can collapse and/or Pneumonia can set in very easily (maybe due to swelling n pressure, not sure). It is something to be mindful of for sure!
Hope he is OK and your plan works it self out to have a nice holiday and visit, even if the visit must be delayed!

Glad the woman is home Sharyn, very fortunate! Nice you got both days off!
The house does seem to cheer up with the decorations so that will be nice.

Can you believe I have collected over the years about 7 larger size totes full of Xmas decoration n supply....I don't even bring but a few of my fav things out any more...too much work for me every year I downsize seems....and this year if they don't get me some floors I just don't care, lol!!!

My ex-husband used to hunt a bit, deer n duck. I don't remember the venison, but they we would have get togethers and they would cook up some absolutely delicious duck, and make these wonderful sauces! yum yum!

Stay safe and warm to all this week and may your travels be safe!!!

Peace,
Juju

Thx gals. I am worried about him, as well as annoyed at the independent behaviours and disappointed about not going. He has to go on the trip. It is a business trip for him and I often go with him. He and I prefer that. He doesn't like going alone and I like going with him, but, I need to be consulted about changes that affect me. So I am drawing a line here.

Free time - he doesn't know the meaning of those words. In his family the men are very active to say the least. On one trip, we arrived at a city after a decently long plane ride, got into the room and he said "What are we going to do"?" I said I don't know what you are going to do, but I am going to have a hot bath and put my feet up. He went out and walked around many of the interest points of the small place, then we went out for supper and then he showed them to me. The way he is! :)

I will spend some time with my grandson who is here already to house sit. he will help me do some things around the house, and I have some social contacts to catch up on, the car needs a service, my thyroid need to be checked etc. and some old files and piles need sorting. The week will go quickly, but we will miss one another.

Sharyn..It does sound like a good idea you have for your mothers room, decorating it!! I do hope the move works in helping her issues. That is an interesting point you make about things hurting you "you either grow or become closed up" - Food for thought, I am sure I have taken that approach and may not have been the best approach for me!!!

true, we can either become better or bitter for whenever we close up and cease to feel, we become numb and unable grow from the painful experience. Becoming seasoned via detaching with love and other such boundaries is not the same as becoming hardened. Well, that's my 2 cents for today.

yes, Sharyn and ju and cmag - you do either grow, or become more entrenched in your old ways and build up more walls. Growing means being vulnerable opening yourself to hurt, lowering your walls/defenses, feeling your feelings - good and bad, asking for help, being willing to learn and change. You notice that the narcissists hide behind walls. deny feelings - which always come out somewhere anyway - inappropriately etc. Not sure your sis will grow either. It seems to be a characteristic of the personality disorders
re wild meat, since we are northern, it is common here.
I am so glad you are off for the holidays! yay! cookie platters sound like a good idea. Hope a room change for your mum works out well. Bowing out if there is too much stress is wise.
margeaux that is weird about "mother" on your aunt's casket - like, really weird!!!!
lastresort - how about feeling used? - having a child so it can care for you. All backwards. I am glad you will not put your g'son through what you went through. Keep firm. You have made good decisions. At some point your mum will not be able to stay in her home. it may take her doc or some other professional to tell her that. I know about the guilt trips - and being expected to put "family: (meaning mother) first in all things. Stay strong!
LEHaven - your sister gets a prize for being one of the worst. Ignoring the outbursts is good, The tooth fairy bears sound like a great idea. Maybe look for some anxiety lowering exercises on line.
cmag -glad to see you have not left us

Well, finally I got a hold of G on the phone, who was sitting in the airport. He did not get my email, and I did not get his last text. But my ticket was cancelled so we have credits that can be used. We talked and he got my point. I know texting is not reliable from the area he was in. So, use the phone!!! I was relieved to hear that he sounded better than yesterday, though his voice is still scratchy. I guess he will return right after the meetings.

lastresort~I am the youngest of 4 children with my sister being the 3rd child and 5 years older than I. I remember I asked my mother ( I was probably around 4 yrs old), why am I so much younger than my brothers and sister? Her answer, When the older 3 grew up and left home, she didn't want to be alone. I always wondered where my dad fit in her life...

Joan~I am glad G sounds better. My hubby can be difficult when it comes to taking care of himself., especially when it comes to long term changes.

Cmag and Joan are right regarding getting bitter. Growing through painful experiences is very painful, but you will be happier when you reach the other side.

Take care everyone!!

Yes I agree, I was so mad bitter hurt and whatever other word could be applied by the total betrayal my family who i always cared for. Initially i did just need some time but by moving states randomly where i know No-one. We just wanted a pretty quiet country rural setting affordable for me to care for her. I became more n more isolated, as i usually seem to have a small circle, and now i just feel like I am so drained i have nothing to offer in a friendship, nothing to talk bout but this mess i am in!!! But I am looking forward, and gonna keep trying to getting out, i was hoping sooner, but now mom's frail state is impeding me from that.... Honestly i want to do as little as possible with her now as i fear the simplest of things can injure her now....after the last few incedents. Just moving her from wheelchair to recliner has caused two broken bone incidents. I have learned how delicate and how to better safeguard during the tranfers now but at the cost of her injuries. Am i being too protective..On top of how burned out literally i am, i am so flat/spent sometimes i just don't have it in me to get us up and out, with my huge diaperbag and all. and i cannot change her diaper alone out of the home without a place to lay down.....so i do not feel independent..I really want to start going to church, and some other stuff. i had started and attended a few services last spring but all the injuries stopped us. Id love to just go alone but hard to find someone to sit with her.

Well i did get online and find they have an Alz Assn Support group meeting once a month not to far from here and it is tomoro, I plan to attend if the CG can be here in time. she has some PT due to her injuries

K thanks ladies!!! Have a good day!
Juju

Thanks Sharyn. I am so relieved he sounded better. I worry about him. What your mum said about you is such an illustration of narcissism. You might wonder where your dad fit. I was a "mistake" and was let known that I interrupted my mother's enjoyment of my sis who is only 14 mo older than me, and I was not the ideal Norwegian looking baby which my sis was (blonde hair, blue eyed), so I was doomed from the start, Long term changes are hard for most people. I have to give G credit. He looks after his diet pretty well though he likes sweets, but wont allow the weight to go on, and takes his supplements pretty regularly, He wears the same clothes he wore years and years ago, his BP is low, and he will go to the doc for most things. One place near the horses he used to stay with a man who smoked heavily, then he developed a cough. I talked with him about it a few times and he stopped going there. So over some things he is quite responsive. I am thankful. But when it comes to the horses - all 200 or so of them - which is how he got his ribs broken for the second time in the last 3 months, he is very resistant to the idea of getting rid of any even though he knows he has to as they are too much for him along with a full time responsible job. Each one is like a pet to him and he is on the go trending to them all the time.

Growing is painful, but way better than staying in the same place.

ju - family betrayal is a very tough one and many here are going through it. I hope you do get out a bit. It would do you a world of good, It must be scary knowing how fragile your mum's bones are. I wouldn't say you are being too protective. You have had a couple of incidents and don't want any more. Certainly you don't have much independence in your circumstances. Hope you make it to the Alz support group. It could be a great resource for you.

Didn't sleep much last night so gotta try to catch up. Maybe I can relax now that I know G is OK, love and hugs to all

Juju-
Even if caregiver is not there before the meeting starts, go anyway. This meetings are open ended, never set times, as the people attending are caregivers and their schedules change each minute. It will not matter at all if you are late.

Monday the 25th was my daughter's 29th birthday. I tend to get a little depressed around her birthday since she moved to Idaho and it being so close to Thanksgiving. It also happens with my son's birthday which April 4th...he was born on Good Friday so if his birthday falls close to Easter I experience the same sadness when I can't give my kids a hug in person.

It is always hard during holiday times when family is not near for us to spend time together. I have come up some ways to combat the sadness so it doesn't affect my over all "mood" of the holidays.

1) Make some special time for yourself for pampering...either get a paws/claws done,LOL!!, a hair cut and facial wax, a facial cleansing.
2) spend the day reading a good book, whatever works for you...such as raking leaves, pruning the garden, get lunch at your favorite restaurant. Cook a special dinner for your spouse...I find that if I give to someone else...something that makes them feel special, my mood lifts. I have always had a desire to help serve a Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner at a center for the homeless or a shelter for abused woman...someday I hope to make that happen.
3)Do little things to help another...a person holding up a sign "will work for food." Buy this person a deli sandwich, bottle of water and a dessert. When I worked at a Stockton store for 4 months, we had homeless people who hung out around the store waiting for hand outs of money. I would buy two of something from a fast food restaurant and give the other away. Of course some of these people want money for alcohol or drugs, but I gave them food instead. It was never turned down.

Reach out to those around you...you are not only helping them...but helping yourself too.

Just some thoughts..Hugs to everyone!!