The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

As like everyday I ask for help and I ask for help for others and I do this best I can for what I have to use to get through the day. I try and not take everything likes its a matter of life and death since it usually isn't but we can do that but anyway look around and I promise u there will be others that have less then or worse off the u are and then u can count your blessings since we all have them but it seems people in our situation don't look for positive only negative so Happy Bird day to all the care givers in the world, we are stronger then most for a reason and that's why we do what we do!

Glad - more power to your mother and stepfather! Their story makes me happy. x

Emjo,

I completely can relate with last minute changes, especially where there's preparation involved. My husband is this way. Two weeks ago, he tells me, "We're invited to a party." I asked, "When is it?" He tells me, "In an hour."
I used to, if you can believe it, go along w/this kind of plan many years ago, just to be flexible with him. But after knowing how my husband operates, I don't accomodate this kind of lack of consideration anymore. Besides in my case, I've noticed too, that he operates on a whim, too much for my taste. Also, at times he's not told me about invitations that actually I wish I'd known about, because he doesn't find them that appealing, nor interesting.

Speaking of the husband......he got a job out of the country and flew out on the 27th. He was flying out of a very busy airport, during one of the worst travel periods of the year. His flight was at 1:40 a.m., which meant he had to be at the airport at about 10:00, for the security and baggage check in.

Well, he informs me that day that we'd go in my car. So aside from last minute things I was still helping him with packing and what not....now, I had to stress about looking at some of my oils in the car, and gas up. Later that day, he tells me that maybe I should create a Skype account, so that we could communicate via this manner while he's away. By now, I was losing my patience w/him, and trying to avoid a fight before he left town. It doesn't sound like a lot, but one has to sit down and think of a user name, and a password. I just didn't have the where with all to do this that day, aside from everything else I was stressing about, not to mention I was going to have to drive him at night into that crazy airport. Well, when I came up w/user name, then he started to tell me, that wasn't a good one. I got up from the computer, and told him, I really didn't feel like doing this, and I didn't have time.

Later, I came to discover, we couldn't go in my car, probably needs servicing.
I took him that evening, and on the way home, I missed the lane on the highway which would get me back home. Now I had to do a manuever coming back towards the airport, and I almost got completely lost in an unknown area. This was somewhat scary for me. So in the future, if he flies at these hours......he's going to have to take a shuttle. Drop off & pick ups are fine during daylight hours, but I'm not good at night time. Needless to say, I was so glad to arrive home.

I'm spending my Thanksgiving very locally. We've a friend who has TG, for orphans. It's a group of people who come together, friends. Many are immigrants, or have no family here. He has a guy fry up many turkeys. One year they did about 18. Everyone brings potluck, too, so there's non-stop food.
I've decided to make some yams, but not sweet ones. I'm mixing it up w/celery,
garlic, possibly a bit of spicy. I'm not a fan of that mashed up marshmallow variety.

Wow, I really feel detached from my sister right now. She called me Sun., but we didn't really have a big conversation, I don't even know what her plans are for the TG. I think this is a good thing too, going in both directions. I hope she's detaching from the idea, that she needs to always be concerned what everybody in our family is doing on holidays, thus ending up in her control. She really needs to be more autonomous, and not so clingy.

Well, I wish you a very Happy Thanksgiving, and the best for G's recovery from his injury.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Wishing everyone a Happy Thanksgiving!!!

First of all Happy Thanksgiving to my American friends. God bless you and others from other locations. We celebrate Thanksgiving in October

Unbelievable. This morning sis called again, as sweet as honey, and said that mother says it would be very helpful if I would come down and help move mother’s furniture into storage while they do repairs on her suite. I am 76 yr. old, I have only one good hand and the shoulder on that side is getting worse and worse, particularly after moving mother before. I have already told them that and that I cannot move things. But that is totally ignored. Obviously Mother will see me if I am useful to her.

Up to 7 phone calls now – from sis and mother ranging from sweet as pie to begging and pleading. It is all a big dramafest to be the center of attention. I suspect from here, when they find out I will not jump and ask how high on the way up, there will be recriminations again. What’s new? All trying to push my buttons using fear, obligation and guilt - FOG so I will do what they want.

Sharyn – it is pretty predictable. This kind of thing has been going on all my life. You say you cannot blame me for not wanting to continue. It has gone past that for me. I have never wanted to do this, and now have come to a point where I cannot. The emotional/verbal abuse has gone on too long. I can’t continue to subject myself to it any more. Something inside me has changed. I remember reading in the book by Karen McBride “Will I ever be good enough”, that if you have tried to bring about changes in the relationship and there has been no response that the answer may be to break contact” - or words to that effect. I did not think it would come to that. I thought I could detach and carry on, but as my oldest son said during a long conversation last night “You are human and have feelings”. I do and being treated like this does hurt, and you are right, it triggers off memories from past ugly episodes. Indeed, mother will turn on my sis at some point too – it is inevitable. The leopard does not change its spots. My sis, like yours, is still trying to get mother’s approval, and maybe more than that is trying to get all her estate. Frankly, as far as I am concerned, there is not enough money in the world to make it worthwhile for me to put up with this.

cm – I will address you in a separate post. I think it merits it.

Glad - you got it! There comes a point when it is too much. Some invisible but very important boundary has been crossed. I am so glad your mum and high school sweetheart found one another. That is a touching story. It warms my heart when anyone has a good relationship with their mother. Something, due to her mental illness, I will never have with my mother.

Rudster – welcome. I am surprised that come on a dysfunctional family thread and wonder why we find negatives. Yes, there are always those who have it worse, but that does not deny the pain any one of us is going through in our particular situation. Here we encourage people to vent if they need to, and to share their problems, for which we give them support.

Margeaux - I can identify much with what you write. I will post about that separately too.

Ju –hope you are having a good day and that you have nipped the infection your mum has in the bud!

I have much to be thankful for, and also some messes to deal with. It is called life.

Love and hugs

Joan,
I wonder as I read your post if they really want you to be there but are unable to actually say that so they use the moving as a reason, still not healthy but ?????

Joan~I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. I also would cut off my relationship with them. The PTSD and all the emotional pain from the past comes back so quickly that it consumes us. Your mother is in all her glory right now and your sis is feeling like she is doing something great because you are the target. You sound like me, when I reached the end of trying to work out a situation with people, I cut them off...end of relationship.

It still amazes me how people like your sister and mine will join forces in a situation because they thrive on the excitement of conflict and drama. They really believe they are doing something good for the person they are enabling. Your mom and sister are on a "HIGH" right now, do not accept anymore calls from them and erase any messages they leave so you don't have to listen to the barrage of garbage they leave. If anything, tell your sister to hire a moving crew at mom's expense and be done with it.

I feel the same way with my sister about being able to detach. Sometimes certain relationships require an ending. Take some deep breaths, quiet the negative thoughts...You have done everything you can do. You have gone beyond...You have been a wonderful daughter to your mother. Take this time to do what you need to do for YOUR life. We are here to support you in all of it!!

{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}!!
Sharyn

ju - yes they want me there - for what I will do for them and for the attention it gives them and that they will see it as winning, but not for an "honest" visit with me. My sis is beginning to see how much work is involved in moving mother and dealing with her paranoid concerns, and wants me to come down and take over. sad1 was right about the saviour complex -swoop in, make a big impression and disappear.Have no illusions that she is a warm person, or really has any normal feelings towards me. She has sociopathic tendencies. The phone calls are unhealthy and the reasons they want to see me are unhealthy. They are both narcissists. When I was down there a couple of weeks ago mother refused to see me. I called her yesterday and said I would like to come down and visit and she said she didn't want to see me, Then I get the abusive phone call from my sis, and then these ones today – up to 8 now. I have absolutely no confidence that if I did go down she would not change her mind again, not want to see me, and be pleased that she had caused me inconvenience. It is all about control, and if you have not lived with a narcissist it is very hard to understand. Your mum sounds like a sweetie, and you and she are fortunate to have one another.
My sis fits these characteristics of sociopaths: there were 14 on the list. She fits 11.
Disregard for rights of others
Considerable superficial charm
Above average intelligence
Incredible glibness
Inflated sense of self that convinces a sociopath that whatever he does is his right.
Cunning and manipulative
Lack of empathy.
Failure to relate emotionally.
Lack of remorse or shame. They view everyone around them as objects and opportunity to achieve their goals. Hence sociopaths keep violating other’s rights without any guilt.
Pathologically ego centric and self centered.

Ju - my sister took her own children to court and won family money from them that they had been given by their aunt (dad’s sister), and also disinherited her son. She is not a nice person. And you can’t trust her. Mother is mentally ill with a personality disorder- diagnosed by 2 psychiatrists now.
How is your mum – hope she is getting better. Thank you for your concern. I understand your train of thought and have thought that way myself before, only to get kicked in the teeth again. ((((((((hugs))))))))
Sharyn I know you understand - only too well. yes, I am the target - again and whatever bad happens will be my fault. I have a very long tether, but have reached the end of it. it has taken a long time. As far as the furniture is concerned, I am sure the ALF staff is moving mother's stuff as they are having to do repairs due to a flood from above. It is their responsibility. Mum and sis are in the middle of a huge self created narcissistic drama. I am feeling more and more comfortable with breaking away. One thing that is coming to me is now I am freer to pursue healthy relationships - like with my sis's son and family. They are delightful. He understands his mother very well. She has been horrible to him and especially to his wife. Thank you for your support, Our roads have been very close. I know mother is well looked after which is the main thing. I am not needed for that, ((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

snowing gently here - but not too cold - about 21F

Margeaux – I see you have similar experiences. Much of that is personality differences, I think. I read the other day that introverts need time to deal with changes. I am like that. G is an extrovert does not need that, and also men tend to not communicate in the same way as women, or see the need for it. I can believe that you used to go along with the last minute things. I truly think that they don’t know that they are being inconsiderate, but once you have told them a few times, I think it is reasonable to expect some consideration. I agree about the airport thing – he can get the shuttle. And I would not even try to get familiar with Skype at the last minutes –too much. Good for you. I was talking with a girlfriend the other day, and I also know it from personal experience and from being in a safety council that women’s depth perception gets worse in middle age. That makes night driving harder. Talk about the wrong turn off. Our roads are undergoing many changes, over passes and a new bridge being built etc., and this has been going on for over a year now. I don’t go downtown that often anymore as the traffic is crazy and you never know which lane is going where, what part of the road is blocked off etc. Well, I had to go downtown yesterday, and despite being confused by the signs at one point I got to where I needed to with no side trips. Coming back was another matter. I took a left lane as usual, but I should have been in one of the right lanes. There was no sign until it was too late to change as there was a concrete divider by that point. So I was taking the highway out to the plants and hoping to recognize a turn off somewhere. Thankfully I had been on the first turn off before and managed to get turned around and eventually back on my usual route. But it was not comfortable.

How generous of you to bring a dish to the orphans. It is a very appropriate way to spend TG. Your yams sound good – I like them, and spicy appeals to me too

Sister detachment seems to be in the air. If she is giving up some control that would be great. Quiet weekend here. I made a dish of left over frozen turkey and it will do me fine. G says his ribs are less painful and not moving around as much. Quiet days at the meeting have done him good. I am relieved. He is off the Percocet, still coughing a bit, but it is not as painful and his voice sounds better.

Thanks Margeaux and hope you have a great holiday. ((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

cm - still thinking abut your question...

Joan,
I did not mean to convey i thought they wanted you there for healthy reasons or the pleasure of your company, but that is the norm for them and even in trying to get you there they could not be sincere or honest, which only confirms the manipulations and control tactics and other issues that you have suffered thru!

Letting go is a difficult decision but nessecary one sometimes, i think with my whole family situation i would never have given up on my brothers till i was told by a social worker that i had too....... We all want it to work out don't we, no once wants to be estranged from their family but it was a survival tactic for me...somehow i knew i had to choose ma....i am glad i did as the challenges build over the last 10 ys i would not have made it with them in tow!!!
My mom was not always as sweet as she is now....maybe that is why i appreciate it so. but pre dementia she had quite the issues and we were never terribly close! I would not say she was narcissistic or sociopath, she was not intentionally manipulative but there was something not right, dad i know what he was diagnosed with but not sure what mom's problem was. I think depression and ???? It is all tooo late now to figure out!

Anyway Mom is OK i took her in yesterday to be sure...I talked with the NP about getting a stethoscope and learning how to listen for trouble in her lungs so i do not have to depend on someone or going 60 miles RT in the cold. He said it is very easy to learn and can go to YouTube to find videos to teach what to listen for, what sounds normal and what sounds like trouble. So i may do that!

I have had a terrible headache today all day for several days now actually off n on...think it is my sinuses from the cold. We were going to go to the Community center for a Turkey dinner we had been invited to Tuesday. I ran into someone at the store who is coordinating it. They said they could deliver it but i told them we wanted to come, she said she would call me the morning of to see if we were coming but delivered anyway at 11am so after we watched the parade and dog show we ate, the food was really good. I wanted to go to the center but it was very cold all morning for mom and this headache was making me uncomfortable!
Hope you all had a nice meal and good day!

thx for clarifying, ju. You are quite right about the unhealthy motives and unhealthy means.. Letting go is hard and I am glad you did it with your bros. Yes, we all want it to work and we don't want to be estranged from our families, and do our darndest to make it work. I have been told over the years by several counsellors, to cut myself off from my family. It has been come a survival move for me now. it is just too stressful.
Agreed, too late to figure out now about your mum -you have been and are doing a great job with your mum and you are enjoying one another.

I think you getting a stethoscope is a great idea. Especially if it would save a round trip or two and give you some peace of mind. Sorry about your sinuses. I know how painful that is.

Having your dinner delivered must have been a treat. So nice of them. Sounds like you are having a decent day. Hope the sinuses improve! (((((((hugs))))))

Emjo - it was in a completely different context, but the furniture removal bit (perhaps you could use your teeth..?) reminded me of a description I once read: "...as if he'd been asked if he would mind just holding this dog turd for a minute…"

I can't believe they asked. Did they think this was some sort of olive branch???
If I've got this right, the last conversation you had with your mother, she said, not you, that she didn't want to see you again. Hey! - you're only taking her word for it.

No. If they need help with anything weighing over 3 or 4 lbs, they can go out of doors, bat their eyelashes at a strapping young local teenager and give him some money for pizza or Grand Theft Auto or whatever currency they use these days. But I don't see why you should do their thinking for them as well.

Do you ever ask them, out of idle curiosity, "and why would I want to do that, do you think?" Oh God - I hope they're not imagining you're missing them terribly and pitying your heartbreak. Bet they are, though. "O wad some Power the giftie gie us…"

It came back to me the other day, that more than 20 years ago I did think it was all over and I would never have (to have) any further contact with my sister. The occasion was my niece's christening. We were looking forward to it. Come the morning, my 4 year old's cold had turned into 'flu and - surprise! - I'd caught it off her, temperature round about 102. Knowing sister would be busy preparing, I called my parents and asked them to make our apologies. Next thing she's on the 'phone: "I am never inviting you to anything ever again because you always do this!" Then she hung up on me.

Now then, here's where I went wrong, I see it now. I didn't call her back. I called my parents, in tears, and told them what had happened. Not only not fair on them, but - worse - ineffectual. Tsk. Missed me chance, didn't I? And, worse still, made her look bad to other people. She'd have taken it better if I'd driven round to her house and punched her in the face.

It feels a bit petty, remembering that after all this time, especially as we were in fact invited to my nephew's christening 2 years later, nobody was ill, we all went, and we had a lovely day. What a pity the rage and spleen and hurt are so much more vivid.

But that's the thing. She must know in her rational mind that I'm not setting out to ruin her plans (read: life). But in her core being she feels that I do. Nothing I can do will ever change that; so if I'm to have any peace of mind she'll just have be out of it, I'm afraid. So there we are again: how?

cm - that is hilarious - dog turd - thanks for the laugh, and also the olive branch concept. They may well think that. After all, being included in the "inner group| is a privilege. Burns strikes home again! Sounds like your sis's perceptions are a bit screwed - a little narcissistic? Also sounds like she was gaslighting. Mine is good at that.
Right now with mother it is emotional ping pong. "Yes I want to see you", whap "No, I don't want to see you" whap "Yes I want to see you if you will come and do such and such", whap "I really, really want you to come and also want you to do this and thus and so for me" whap "Please, please come and see me I NEED you so badly, sniff, sniff" whap "Mother needs you to come down,, she wants you to do this and that" whap. I am standing on the sidelines watching the ball go back and forth.
The rage and spleen stick in the memory because they are so crazy making and way out of proportion. You are like "What??????
Long post to you coming!

cm –I don’t know if I can help but I will try. I also regret that I am not friends with my sister. And I also care. Don’t think that I don’t. It is a question of how you handle your feelings. I think sis hates or seriously dislikes me too, partly because I came along as a 2nd child and disrupted her early life. I think also because she perceived I had a better relationship with my father than she did. But my father was not one to pick favourites.

I have a matter of fact approach at times as it makes the most sense to me in figuring out how my course of action. It is a difficult subject, and, to me, needs some reason/logic to sort things out so they work for me. That does not mean I don’t feel emotions over it.

So how do I avoid getting eaten up by the injustice of her and my mother’s attitude?

Well, I don’t hate either of them and never have. I forgive regularly, at times, many times a day. That I do for my own sake and because it is scriptural. You will be forgiven as you forgive. Really it is not so much to do with them. It hurts me to harbour resentment, it doesn’t hurt them. I recognise that both of them have serious mental health issues – this has been confirmed by professionals. To what degree they have a choice over their behaviours I don’t know, but I think it makes it a little easier for me to forgive them – though it is not entirely easy.
I accept that is how they are. Do I wish I had a mother and sister who were healthier? Of course, but I accept that they aren’t and even have a little compassion for them and their unhealthy ways- I doubt it is much fun being them.
Finally, I have much for which to be grateful, I am able to admire some things about my mother and sister, though the negatives far outweigh the positives. I have a few good memories and they help. I have to deal with the many more bad memories and PTSD. They are mine to deal with no matter what/who caused them. I own them.
All those things stop me from being eaten up. As for injustice – life is not fair, never was and never will be. I do not expect justice from this world, but am grateful when I find it. My youngest son was killed. The young man got off with self defense. Gordie, my son, did not lift a finger against his assaulter, and there were many witnesses to that. Just??? Not at all. I forgave the young man right away (before the trial). It is a choice.

It seems very likely that you will not be able to “fix” what is wrong between you and your sister, so then you are faced with the problem of living with it – leaving it be, letting go. Much of what is in this poem works for me, though I am cutting myself off, as I believe it is necessary for my protection, which affects some of the points

TO “LET GO” TAKES LOVE

To “let go” does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can’t do it for someone else.

To “let go” is not to cut myself off,
it is the realisation I can’t control another.

To “let go” is not to enable,
but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To “let go” is to admit powerlessness,
which means that the outcome is not in my hands.

To “let go” is not to try to change or blame another,
it is to make the most of myself.

To “let go” is not to care for,
but to care about.

To “let go” is not to fix,
but to be supportive.

To “let go” is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.

To “let go” is not to be in the middle, arranging the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their own destinies,

To “let go” is not to be protective,
but to permit another to face reality.

To “let go” is not to deny,
but to accept.

To “let go” is not to nag, scold, or argue,
but to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.

To “let go” is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take every day as it comes, and to cherish myself in it.

To “let go” is not to criticize and regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To “let go” is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.

To “let go” is to fear less and love more.

Much love to you and prayers for coming to terms with your sister and achieving a measure of peace over it. (((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))

Oh dear, up to nine phone calls now. Such craziness!

Joan,
You made a good decision by not giving in. Stay strong, however painful!
Yes it was nice to have a Turkey dinner and no fuss, anytime anyone else is doing the cooking is a good thing nowadays for me. It is one of the few lil things I can claim respite. Not to have to haul us anywhere and not cooking=double bonus!!!
What I mean to say above about mom's behavior is it is too late to communicate with her about anything, and that she does not need to receive treatment at this point in her life I believe as she is different. but it is not too late to put a name on it, could always learn from it, I am sure I am not perfect and picked up some of the bad habits and strive to improve all the time and anything I can learn from that experience would be good.

Thank you all for being there! Hang in there with the struggles you face, have faith!
Peace,
Juju

I do love my brothers and wonder how they are, if they are ok, has there physical health declined or ??? I would love to have a relationship. But not at the cost of myself mother and our lives... I also ended up in court with him but prevailed when it came to bro trying to take over. Honestly if I had not moved so far away there is a good chance I would have caved in and maybe tried again. Not sure about that one, after court I was pretty sure he had gone tooooo far but idk I have always wanted to help him I am just unable too because of the dynamic between us...also a lot was pointed out to me that his part of his issue is that I am the baby girl and he is the oldest boy and in his mind it is his job and it is threatening/jealousy (for lack of the right term, I cant come up with now) to him, because he is not in a position to take on that I have always been the one in charge per se of family issues! including my parents putting me in executor position way back in the 80's. Not sure but kinda makes sense with the way things were....helps to not take it personal I guess.

I am sorry if I get confusing or not make sense sometimes....I don't comprehend written material or articulate thoughts well so what I am thinking or trying to say does does not come out how I am thinking it! and I have to read things over n over sometimes to get it, I miss a part of the point! Ughh
Anyway! I will be quiet now!
Sleep that turkey off, or shop till you drop, whatever your preference!
Love and thanks for being here,
Juju

What the heck! Remember I'd written I'd hardly spoken to my sister and that I didn't know if anything was planned for TG? Well for some of you that may not know about my situation w/my sister, it goes like this. After our dad died in 2001, (he was the glue of the family) she's been in charge of Thanksgiving. She just took this over throughout the years. But last year there was so much drama that had to do w/our very difficult SIL, but my sister I think is kind of her match.

Anyway, as a result of that drama, my sister was very offended, blah di blah.
I heard about it throughout Dec., of last year, and she's been bringing it all up all year, too. The end result....is that my sister decided she didn't want to do this TG anymore, which involved bringing all the family together, which includes we the siblings, the SIL, and several grandchildren (young adults) and their small kids.
Of course at the back of all of this is my mother, and my sister wants to make the holiday for her, bring us all together like a happy little family! Yeah, right! HAAH!
Anyway, my sister had told me mos., ago she wasn't going to do this kind of TG, anymore.

So, today at 12:00 noon, she calls me. She's inviting me to go to mom's, she ended up making a turkey, etc., and it's only going to be her, mom, and my sister's daughters, son in law, and the grandkids. She wanted me to go.
I'd already made plans, and wanted to remain local, so I told her I wasn't coming.
She also goes on to tell me that they were eating real soon, which must have meant about 1:00, because she'd been invited the night before by that difficult SIL, to my brother's house. She made a turkey, which I couldn't believe! They've been married about 27 yrs., and they've never, ever made turkey dinner at their house because they were always coming to my mom's all the while. Now this is the SIL, my sister is having these issues with, however she's telling me that she was going to take my mother down there, so my brother could see her. This is another thing.....I don't know why my sister is always accomodating both my brothers, taking mom to their houses for visits. My two brothers live about 50-60 miles away from mom and my sister. She never does this for me. If I want to see mother, I have to drive to their home, what's up with that?? Anyway, does anyone have any ideas as to this weird thinking?

I'm glad I didn't go down there, and I thought, wow, thanks for giving me a day's notice, about the invite to mom's for turkey.

I went to my choice for TG, and ate lot's of food, and had a great time.
I did miss my husband even though he is sometimes a little pain, but I love him.

I hope all of you had a wonderful TG. I have to catch up on some newer posters.
It's been a stressy week, plus I've been having a go w/my sinuses, and have been very spaced out at times. But feel better.

O.K., guys.....if you've eaten too much have some mint tea. It's great for digestion.

Hugs to all,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Our Thanksgiving day turned out really nice. Mom was much more relaxed than she has been the last few years with wanting to go home 20 minutes after she got here so she can check on Midget, make sure she turned off the heater or locked all the doors.

Gotta go meet sis at mom's house, then decorate the room. Have a good holiday weekend everyone!!

My family has been dysfunctional since I was born into it and it never got any better when we all grew up. Two half sisters, two biological sisters and one brother who passed away last year.
My elderly mother was diagnosed with dementia in 2009 and has been with me ever since. I wasn't to be the one to take care of her and in fact, I was working when I found out my mom was ill. My sisters had all decided what was going to become of our mom and I was fine with it but in the end, they all cut the ties and left me to be our mom's caregiver. I was thrown into this without a clue and in fact, I had not talked to my mother in four years prior to her illness. I wasn't close to my mother either.
My oldest half sister had committed felony elder fraud against my mom and was charged but never faced her charges. She left the state. The other half sister obtained POA for herself a year before I learned our mom was ill and my sister had her claws into our mom's money and house. My half sister had planned to move our mom in with her and rent out my mom's house but for some reason unbeknownst to me, my half sister decided not to move our mother in with her. My half sister thought she was going to continue being our mom's POA, spend our mother's life savings, rent out our mom's house and leave ME to take care of our mother. Well, I am not stupid by any means and I guess my half sister thought I was. When it occurred to me that my sister had planned on leaving me to take care of our mother, I called my sister on the phone and told her she needed to revoke her POA. She was of course stunned. She was miffed about it and got angry but I told her if she wasn't coming to get our mother then I was going to hire an attorney and revoke her POA. That's exactly what I did. I also changed the Will and removed everyone.
My youngest sister was always going to be the one who would take care of our mother when the time came and she was the first one to cut the ties. We had been very close all of our lives and when I moved our mother in with me, my sister stopped talking to me. April will be five years and I still haven't heard from my sister. She never gave me a reason and I never got any closure. I don't know what happened and it bothered me for a very long time. I am over it now though. My brother was never involved and he cut the ties with our mom a long time ago so he was never going to help take care of our mother.
I have been my mother's caregiver for almost five years with no help from anyone. My mom can't do anything for herself and she is a miserable woman. She is never happy, she is never nice. She says hateful, hurtful things to me and calls me nasty names. She tells me to go to hell and that I should die.
It isn't just the dementia. My mom was always a 'hard' woman and was rarely affectionate. She was very opinionated and didn't care what she said to anyone. Everyone knew where they stood with her.
Taking care of my mother has been the hardest job I have ever had and I won't even say it's the best job I've ever had because that would be a lie. I don't like it and I resent my sisters for not helping me. I was forced to leave a job that I really liked and it wasn't just a job. It was my career. I will never forgive my sisters for what they have done.

Wow middle, you've had a rough go of it. I'm also a middle child. Older sister was jealous mom came to live next door to me. We haven't talked in two years. Older brother is an alcoholic and never comes to see mom. One younger sister who was my best friend stole thousands of dollars from my parents house while my father was dying 3 years ago and I was half living there taking care of him. She threw me under the bus for it, but was found out when she stole from my mom's safe deposit box and was caught on camera. Haven't heard from her in almost three years. One other younger sister who comes around about once every two months to take mom to her lung doctor and out to lunch. Mom is 76 and has severe COPD. She never drove or made friends. I just got finished with chemo and radiation for breast cancer. I asked the sister who does the lung doctor to give me more help while I was going through this and she turned around and went from working part time to full time for an excuse. I know for a fact she doesn't need the money. We rarely communicate because she doesn't want me asking for help. I've finally given up. Luckily mom made me POS and I share executive duties with Ms. Lung doctor. I take mom to the bank, doctor, shopping and anywhere else she has to go. I take her meals almost every night. Me and my husband fix things for her. Thankfully she isn't mean to me like your mom. I wouldn't be able to stand that. You should be praised for what you do. You're a good person and like me can sleep at night knowing you did everything you could for her. And in the end you and I won't be wishing we could have done more or seen them more. That will be on the shoulders of the siblings who don't care now.

* POA

Middle~ Big hugs to you for all you are doing for your mother. It is very difficult to caregive to an abusive parent...I have one too.I learned to set personal boundaries and to detach with love from mother. This does mean I don't care...emjo posted a poem a page or two back about detachment...it is very right on the mark. My mother also has dementia, but once she became mentally incapacitated, we moved her into a memory care unit as my sister and I must continue to work, there is no way around us not working. Mom was abusive throughout our childhoods into adulthood. She set things up with her attorney that neither of us could be paid through her estate to take care of her. Sis takes care of all of the financials and I take care of mom regarding her medical and personal needs such as taking her to dr. appts., haircuts, podiatrist appts. I also visit 2-3 times a week, take her to lunch etc. Mom is not abusive to the caregivers at the community, only to family. She also has a mental illness known as a personality disorder....it sounds like your mother may have one too...google daughtersofnarcissisticmothers to learn more. My mother has gotten much better in how she treats me, however, she is still very abusive to my sister. Welcome to this thread and hope to hear more from you!!

Sallie~How sad that your sister could not help more while you were undergoing chemo and radiation, unfortunately, we come to see the true side of our siblings when it comes time to help mom or dad. It is good that you have basically accepted she won't help other than taking her to the lung dr. What are your plans for your mother as she progresses? The Area Agency on Aging is an excellent source of help for adult children caregiving for their parents as they have many programs they may qualify for based on income of your parent. It includes getting home health care help, respite time for you and other services such as adult day care. Welcome to the thread, we offer lots of support!!

Ju - I suppose you could learn from finding out what condition(s)your mum has. It has helped me to put a name to mother’s problems. We do learn some bad habits. I have had to deal with that, and probably still struggle with a few. It helps to have good people in your life to give you feedback. My sons and G do that once in a while and are gentle with me. You must wonder how your brothers are. It is only natural. Ah, the sibling position thing. I am the youngest too which may help justify my sister’s behaviour to some extent - to her. I think you are right saying jealousy – I see that in our family. I have always been the one given the responsibilities too. Helps a lot not to take the criticism personally, but that is not always easy.

Margeaux - I hear you about the happy little family - NOT! I am glad you stayed with your plans. Interesting that your sis will bring your mum to the bro’s but not to you. A little sexism here maybe? Of course you missed your hubby and love him even if he is human! Lol I love and miss Gary too. Hope your sinuses get better. Those headaches are bad. I had ginger tea the other day. It is good too.

Sharyn –so glad your TG turned out well and your mum enjoyed it. Hope the decorating went well and your mum settles into her new room well. Let us know!

Middlechild3 –welcome. Wow, you really got tossed into this. It is amazing how many sibs want money and will go to some lengths to get it. Good for you getting the POA revoked. Glad you are at peace about your youngest sis now. You are not alone that your mum was always a “hard” woman, and isn’t any better now. Many of us on this thread have the same experience. In a few cases, the mother’s personality has improved with dementia. I am sorry that you had to leave your career to be a care giver. That is hard. I retired a bit earlier than I wanted to but that is not such a big deal. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive your sisters –not for their sakes, but for your own. ((((((hugs)))))

Sallie - welcome to you too. You are in another situation with a greedy sibling. Glad she was caught. I am so sorry that you have such serious health issues yourself and that your sis made herself even more unavailable so you get no help. ((((((hugs))))) Are there any programs in town which could give you some respite? It is great that your husband helps. One day your mum will need more care. Have you any plans for that? As far as the sibs who don’t care, I think they sleep quite well. Somehow they have justified to themselves that their behaviour is fine. At least, that I what I believe about my sister.

cm - I have been reading another thread where you describe some sibling interaction. Whoa! Pretty bad. I will not stay long in my sister’s presence because she sticks the knife in and twists it. I will not be accepting phone calls for that reason. With mother being in an ALF, I can maintain more distance than you can. You have my deepest sympathies. My way of coping is to forgive again and again and again, and avoid interaction as much as possible.

Here the phone is quiet finally. I have heard nothing from the lawyer which surprises me somewhat. She has always answered quickly before. Then I remembered that the last exchange we had was where the lawyer made a big point that I had to realize that in activating POA my mother’s money was not for my use, and I answered quite strongly that I knew that and that I had no need of my mother’s money etc. I can only assume that mother said something to her to cause her to feel that I might abuse the POA. Mother did that to the lawyer when we signed the original document for me to be Executor and his jaw dropped and I nearly walked out telling her to find someone she trusted if she didn’t trust me. I should have. I have found out that where we are, I have to apply to the court to be released from being POA and it is the court’s decision whether to let me go or not. There is really no information as to the kind of conditions that are acceptable. I find that a bit strange as sometimes the POA must drop dead, or get ill, or injured and be unable to continue. Another problem is that, as far as I understand it, the alternate must agree to take over. I rather doubt that my sis would. She doesn’t want to do the work, but wants to interfere, cause trouble for me and criticise. I have not agreed that moving mother is a good thing, and I have the personal directive, so it is my responsibility to make that decision. She has, in collusion with mother, but not having consulted with anyone else, decided that she will move mother, and now expects me to do the work. I am not going to. So, I will wait a week to see if I hear from the lawyer, and if not, I will contact a lawyer of my own. Someone cautioned me to read the POA etc. documents well, and I need to do that to see if there is anything there I can work with.

These episodes do stir up the PTSD. I am recalling past incidents of this type of behaviour and feeling the associated feelings – embarrassment, anger, and abandonment for some. I woke up early this morning terribly angry, and thankfully got past that. Then had a bit of a pity party. Ex G is being a great support. He understands my family situation better than most. I am thankful that we have become friends, and that G is comfortable with that.

Wishing everyone a good weekend. Happy decorating or whatever. I need to dig the trash cans out of the snow and put them back by the house. Someone kindly closed the lids after they were emptied, as it was snowing. Love and hugs

I have found the best thing for Sundowning is red wine. I pour mom a full glass of Merlot. If she won't drink it, I will. (pardon my humor)

Oh my, what a blessing. Some kind soul lugged the trash cans up the driveway and put them back beside the house. I feel cared for! I think it was the neighbour to the east , not that they have done it before, but the neighbour to the west would not likely see them as they enter their house around the corner. I will ask next time I see them. When he and Gary chat he always asks G in for a beer. He drinks quite a lot, but G doesn't, so he always declines, but they have a nice chat. :)

Thank you Emjo - sometimes I think I'm overreacting, it's good to have it confirmed that I'm not wrong to find this behaviour a tad unreasonable.

But actually I find it comforting when my sister picks up a subject on which I know she is plain wrong - and goes about being wrong with such unshakeable confidence! At least then it's funny… And besides there's never anything to thrash out. It's just a matter of fact. I can shrug: have it your way.

I'm not surprised the lawyer's jaw dropped. Your mother makes my jaw drop and a) I thought I'd met a few… and b) I've never even met her. I hope you're not imagining the lawyer was stunned at the thought that you might be as described. Oh no: I'm sure he's met plenty of people who wanted to be a bit cautious about POA - but he would have been astonished that your mother could use those terms in your presence and still expect you to act as her clerk.

I'm also surprised that resigning the POA might not be straightforward? It's hard, as you say, to imagine that an attorney who has become unable to continue would be obliged to by the court. But if that should prove to be the case, would you perhaps be able to appoint agents to do anything that required contact? Your mother is so fantastically abusive that I can't see why you shouldn't spend her money on services such as banking, accountancy and care, provided of course that they are demonstrably for her benefit. You'd control her life and have nothing to do with her. Serve her right. I admire what you've said about anger and revenge (proper thanks on their way), but - aren't you even tempted??!

It's good to be friends with an ex. I'm closer to mine than I am to my brothers, and I often do think of him as a brother these days. I certainly think of his now wife as my sister-in-law, and in fact can remember the first time I used the term: I made their wedding cake, and had to deliver it to the venue the day before the wedding. Rang to make the arrangements, was asked for my name and what my connection was with the bride and groom - and realised with a horrible flash that "groom's ex-wife" in the context of delivering a full-sized wedding cake might cause a needless security alert in the minds of uninformed persons… so, sister-in-law. It felt true. He's certainly shown more concern about, and been more active in helping, my mother than either of my real brothers. Not suggesting my brothers don't love my mother, I know they do; the difference is what they can be stirred up to do about it.

You do learn over time who you can really count on, don't you? And it's often not the people you'd expect. Good neighbours, too - so many nice people in the world is a happy thought to go to bed with.

We did not get all the decorating done as it was a very bad day for my sister health wise. She was holding on to things to aid herself in walking more than usual and mentally she was in fog. I had to be very patient which is hard for me as I am always in a hurry to get things done.She was not following me well at all today. What we did get put up, I had to do because she had to sit, her physical strength was not there today. We brought over many family pics to make a collage on a large wall as this room is bigger than the one mom is now in. Neither of us realized how time consuming it was going to be to center these pics..different sizes, over this wall. Plus there is room for us to bring over a love seat. We started at 10:30 and quit at 5:30. Tomorrow we are meeting at 9:30 to take mom to brunch as the crew at the community will move mom's bed, dresser and nightstand over. Then at 11am my nephew will meet my husband at mom's house to move over the love seat and sis and I will move over the clothes in the closet plus all bathroom supplies.They are not going to charge us for 2 days rent.

I did say that yesterday went well with mom, but today I found out from sis when she brought mom back to community she had a melt down regarding Midget. Mom was confused yesterday thinking she was taking Midget back with her. I explained that Midget barks too much keeping other people awake during the night as the caregivers are walking down the hallways. She seemed to accept it, but all He!! broke loss when sis brought her back. Mom started stomping her feet, "I want my dog!!" "She is keeping my dog!!" She, being me. Sis said mom was calling her a bitch, blaming her for all of it...sis asked them to give mom a Xanax. Sis stayed for an hour as the Xanax calmed her down. I don't know what we will do at Christmas...maybe if I take mom back to the community she won't go off since she is much better with me or we can take Midget to my mom's house for the day, until mom leaves. I think if I take her back may work better. We did not see mom today as we did not want her to know about the move...will tell her tomorrow during brunch. However, as we were leaving her new room, we saw mom and another resident in the tea room through the windows overlooking the courtyard. The tearoom is right around a hallway from the new room. Sis and I went back into the new room hiding from mom. We waited several minutes..sis looked out the door seeing mom going around corner to the dining room. We quickly left....laughing that here we are 55 and 60 years old hiding from mom, LOL!! All in a days work.