The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

One other thing with sis today that bothers me...she kept saying, "I hope we at least get a smile out of mom for this." I told her not to except that, mom is going to be angry and upset about the move for a few days. I wish my sis would get over doing things for mom ex[ecting a big thank you from her...it is not going to happen. I understand where my sis is at emotionally with mom, but what sis whats is not going to happen.

cm - you are not overreacting! It is a tad or ten unreasonable –in fact abusive in my books. I think the lawyer was stunned that she would say that in front of me on the verge of signing the document. What was the point other than to put me down? She should have settled her issues about it with him before I came on the scene. But, that is life with mother. My sis does the same thing –goes on the attack but she does it with a big smile. Mother still manages her own money – she is considered competent – barely. Most of her bills come off her account automatically. She writes cheques for a few things and that still works. She has a financial advisor who helps her with a few little things and so far that has worked. Right now she is forgetting her PIN number for her debit card and also for her cc. That was sorted out in the summer and again now – this time by my sister. So she is reaching a point where she cannot use them reliably. She still should be OK with using a cc and just signing for it, but not using it to withdraw cash. She would have to agree with any arrangement I made or she won’t use it and would make major difficulties for all involved. She has serious control issues as you may have gathered. Mother has Borderline Personality Disorder, narcissism and paranoia. She also has started misplacing money, and thinks people have stolen from her and so on and doesn’t hesitate to call them thieves. The director has reprimanded her and now she has a hate on him.
Revenge – not at all, not my nature. In fact my latest, for which I take no credit –God had to plant it in me - is to pray blessings on my enemies – and people who aggravate me. I feel so much better when I do that. Anger happens. I woke up with it early morning, but I don’t harbor it, don’t let it take root.
My ex is like a brother too. I have no bros. He and I talk about anything and everything. That is very funny about the wedding cake!!! How good of him to take an interest on your mum. My ex would help if she let him. Yes, you learn who you can count on though I have a friend of 45 years who has been a rock for me and I see little changes in her responses, so I am pulling back. I think it is age and health related, as she has had two mastectomies in the past few years, and is very overweight and has pretty bad arthritis. We will still be able to lunch together when I travel south and enjoy one another’s company, but I don’t think I can count on her as I have and that is OK. I am so very thankful for all the years… Unexpected blessings, like the trash cans are so touching.

Sharyn, somehow I am not surprised you and your sis did not finish the decorating, I am sorry about your sis’s health. I dislike hanging pictures. It is quite a chore and a collage would be tricky. Glad they are not charging double rent. Sounds like you have it all organized. Hope your mum adjusts without problems. It is not surprising that your mum had a meltdown going home – adjustments are hard.. Hope what you decide to do at Christmas works. Hope also that brunch and the move goes well tomorrow. I smiled at the thought of the two of you hiding from your mum. Lol!
Re your short second post - I think you are right that your mum will be angry and upset about the move for a short while. It would be good if sis could accept how it is with your mum soon. It would be easier on her.
Let us know tomorrow how it went.

Thanks emjo,
It was hard to let go of my sister, but I was making myself sick asking for help all the time. I know my mom's health will get worse and we do have good have good resources around. I already see a decline in mom and I'm having more health issues. Thankfully I'm married to a wonderful man and he never complains about helping.

(((((((sallie)))))) It is painful, but the alternative is worse. I am glad you have good resources around, You must look after yourself. You, at least, have a wonderful man, and he is to be commended and I see that you value him greatly, Life is not easy, and when the chips are down you need people you can count on. Hope you continue to post - the support here is great.

update. This morning in an email I outlined to the lawyer what has been happening and my reasons, somewhat in detail, for wanting to step down from my duties. I know her first responsibility is to mother, and I was concerned that she think I have been mismanaging funds. I really didn't want to go into it all, but felt I should. So now she has my version to date of what has been happening since the summer when POA was activated and what has precipitated my request. I asked her if I need to get my own lawyer. From what I have read, if someone thinks the POA is abusing or neglecting duties they can appeal to the courts for a change. Maybe if I hold back enough my sis would do that lol, but I doubt it, She would lose her scapegoat.

What I'd be worried about, from the sound of your sister, is that she'd be capable of making such an appeal if the starring role attracted her strongly enough, and that the appeal would publicly air a great many exaggerations, distortions and outright lies. Sure, the facts and numbers will be on your side, so it won't get anywhere, but it'll be hideous. And why should you have to spend time and emotional energy on it?

If you've got a friendly neighbourhood lawyer who doesn't pick fights and doesn't cost the earth, it might be a good idea to let him/her check the road ahead for potential pitfalls; and copy him/her in on whatever goes to your mother's lawyer. Ass covering, I think they call it. Outrageous you should have to, but possibly worth it as a pre-emptive move?

.Joan-I have never seen my sister so disoreinted as she was yesterday.if she has like this at work, I understand why they demoted her. It was rather sad to see her at age 60 so feable and frail. She called me after got home because she was confused about our plans for today.

You sound more relaxed about the situation with your
mom and sister. I hope the attorney gets in touch with you soon, getting your own attorney is a good idea.

There is no guarantee that my mom won't have a melt down with me too but I will try it. If it doesn't work then it may best we don't bring mom here for the holidays. Who knows where she will be cognitively next year.

Let us know what you find out from the attorney. I hope that going to court will be a long drawn out affair like it can be here in the States.

Everyone take some deep breaths and step back from our current situations..hugs to all of you.

Thank you! Caregiving is not my real problem. I love my mother. It is the barrage of constant criticism I receive from other family members who do nothing that frustrate me the most often. This thread is truly needed.

Emjo--
Definitely retain counsel for yourself, it sounds as if this could potentially explode on you as it has on me. And I have all documentation to cover my backside. Make sure your interests are being legally tended to.

Also meant to say:
take it from one who knows!!

I am done with the moving for today. Still have some pictures to hang in the bathroom. Mom is very confused and upset but not where I think she needs to have a Xanax. My sister thought she should one...she may see to that since I left. Mom was crying but not screaming or yelling. Sis can't handle it but she won't leave, she thinks if she stays she can calm mom down. When I left mom was fine.

Sis and I went out to her car to get a hammer, when we came back down the hall to mom's new room, a woman was laying on the floor by mom's door. She fell out of her wheelchair. I ran down the hall to the dining room alerting the caregivers. It scared me to death seeing her there, she was not conscious. when I came back with 2 caregivers, my husband was standing by the woman, he told the caregivers she was breathing. they talked with the woman trying to bring her around, she was moaning. They called her family and paramedics because she bumped her head and hurt her wrist. I hope she is ok. At least mom didn't see it. It shook up my nephew too. Wow what a day, hopefully sis won't over stay and mom getting agitated again.

Gotta get ready for work now,

well I had a long answer written and the internet/TV service to the area crashed as I hit submit, so I guess it was not meant to be, I will try again.
cm – I have lived with “publicly aired exaggerations, distortions and outright lies” before. What’s new? I won’t go into details but I have a few more stories that would make your jaw drop. I have learned to live with it and still hold my head high as I have nothing to hide or be ashamed of. Lawyers here cost $200 an hr. I think I probably need one to appeal to the courts to be released from POA. I am waiting for confirmation from mother’s lawyer about that. If I do not hear back from her soon I will engage one. Presumably he will tell me what I need to do in order to appeal to be released from these duties. I am a senior too, which should work in my favour. I have had a few more phone calls this morning. Mother reports that the director of her facility tore up her lease and now she is afraid to stay there – it is dangerous to her. I would say she is not taking her antipsychotic medication, as this is how she was before she got it. She says in her voice mail that she can get into the new place in a month. I give her about 6 months in there by which time she will have issues with it. Frankly, I think she needs a psych facility as she will not take meds. Ex has advised me to journal what has happened with mother. He has a very good mind for legalities, though untrained, and has won a few in court. Sis will only go to court. I think, if she thinks she can get money for it. Her MO is to come here, stir up trouble and then leave me to deal with the mess and blame me, of course. Mother is always more stirred up after she has been with sis.

Sharyn – from what you have been writing for a while I have been thinking that your sister is declining and may need a good medical/neurological evaluation. You have Alz in the family. At what age did it first appear? I am glad you spent enough time with her to see it. I am sure it was sad to see. I think I am more relaxed as I know I cannot continue this way, so I will do whatever I have to do to get out of it. If I cannot get out of it, I will deal only at arm’s length, and with other people as much as possible. Glad you realise your mum may have a meltdown with you too, but I agree it is worth trying. Legal things usually are drawn out – but that’s OK, I just have to keep serious detachment and distance. Yes, I need some deep breaths and to do something good for me.

Hi shadowchild and welcome. Great that you have a good relationship with your mother. I know what criticism from the sibs is like, I get it from mother as well. Feel free to come and vent or ask for support and suggestions. We have a very good group here and we understand. (((((((hugs)))))))

Glad – thanks - there are a couple of differences in our situations - one is I do not want/cannot emotionally afford to care for mother, and another is that I have not touched her money. So I don’t see how this could explode on me. If I am missing something please let me know. All I want is to be released from those duties. Honestly, I don’t care who takes them on as long as they are moderately competent. I know you have been seriously burnt. Am I missing something?

Unfortunately G thinks I can just detach and continue to deal with this. I have told him that I have PTSD, but he does not seem to understand it. But then, typical male, he is not great with emotions. And he has not seen as much of my family dynamics as my long-time friends so I think he truly does not understand. Now I need to check with friends for suggestions for a good lawyer.

Hope everyone is having a great weekend. (((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))

oh Sharyn - not a great day but you got through it. I hope your mum's first night in her new room works well. It must have been upsetting to see that lady on the floor. ((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))

Any of you caregivers ever find out that vengeful siblings paid a deposit on an assisted living apartment without consulting anyone including a spouse that is competent? I cannot believe it! And completely unbelievable. Not an appropriate living arrangement for spouse with general age related decline. Spouse is not able to provide care, sometimes not recognized either to say nothing of the times it is thought that they are not married.

Gladimhere your story sounds somewhat like mine. I just joined this group for fear I would pull my hair out if I couldn't find people who understand what I'm going through. My Mom has several types of dementia and has lost her mobility as well from NPH (Water on the brain) that was not diagnosed for 15 years after the onset of her symptoms. My father "appears" to be in fairly good health but either isn't doing all that well mentally, or is showing his "true colors" which turns out to be passive/aggressive behavior with a victim mentality... My brother is a total sociopath and has complete control over my father, who shares the control over my Mom with my brother. I'm left picking up the pieces, trying to protect my Mom who is very vulnerable and depressed, being ignored and neglected by my father who insists on her living with him in an Asst. Living Facility that cannot provide the care she needs and won't "evict" her because they want to keep their place full and they've put on her care plan that my Dad is doing many aspects of her care as a way of absolving themselves of the liability for keeping her there when she has needs they are not going to meet. She's dehydrated, eating very little, recurrent UTI's, maybe have CDIF from too many antibiotics, just got out of a rehab center (100 days) because she fell and broke her hip when my father slept through her attempt to get out of the bed in the middle of the night. She couldn't use the call light because he kept the control on HIS side of the bed (he doesn't NEED help getting up). She recently got up in the night and used a paring knife to cut off her pajamas - he slept right through it.... When the nurse at the Asst. Living and I told him he needed to collect all the sharp objects in the apt. and put them out of reach he didn't. When I discovered all the kitchen knives were still in the drawer and asked him why he hadn't moved them he said "the knife she used that night was on the counter so I don't need to move the ones in the drawer." Yesterday I found the paring knife on the counter AGAIN. My brother and my father tricked her into signing Power of Attorney over to my brother about 18 months ago when he was closing a real estate transaction for them. They told her it was a paper letting him sell their property in Utah. It was a full blown 6 page Power of Attorney giving him the right to do anything he wants. She wasn't competent to sign it then, but my attorney tells me that I won't be able to prove it since my brother and Dad will say she was. Now I find out my Dad gave my brother Power of Attorney for himself as well! So here they are in Oregon, my brother in Utah, he has all the "power" and I have the responsibility. He made his WIFE the 2nd person on the Power of Attorney, not me. My father won't tell me anything about their finances, and I fear my brother has his hands in the money pot. My father is acting like they are almost broke... but they shouldn't be. The main reason my father won't let me move my Mom to a higher level of care facility is that he won't be able to live with her if she moves and he doesn't want to spend money from his pension and SS to live on his own. Her long term care insurance pays for the Asst. Living, including his fees for living there. I am at my wits end. I feel fortunate that he let me help him pick the place they are in because it's about 10 minutes from my house. He and my brother were planning that they move in to a facility more than an hour (each way) from my house! (what does my brother care, he's in Utah!) I think my Dad is trying to keep me from "blowing the whistle" on him for neglecting my Mom. I don't mind if he doesn't want to do all the things that he has to do for her since they are in an asst. living (instead of an adult care home) but if he won't let me move her and he won't do basic things like make sure she's getting enough water letting her continue to spiral downward isn't an option! I took her to the Dr. a week ago and she was so dehydrated her blood pressure was 65 over 35! I go to see her every day (almost) but I can't be there every meal to make sure she eats, make sure she's drinking enough, and that she's getting changed often enough to reduce the chance of UTI's. My Dad won't even let the facility manage her medications because he wants to keep the $300 that would come out of the Long Term care $$$ if they administered her meds. But he won't keep track of what he's giving her either! I am at my wits end. The attorney told me it would cost about $10,000 for me to try to overturn the Power of Attorney and he gave me a 45% chance of winning. How do I protect her when I have to voice in her living situation? On Thanksgiving I tried to rally some support from my relatives who live here but they think my Dad's wishes for them to be together should come first. They fear that if the two of them were apart, it might break their hearts... And I'm afraid if they stay together in that Asst. Living she'll break her other hip, or WORSE! Thinking of talking to someone at the County or State level. But not sure they will be of any help.....in my experience things have to be pretty horrible before they will take any action.

glad - I am not clear what has happened - is this with regard to your mum and her spouse who you are caring for?

mother called several times today and said she is moving to the new place in a month, and again tells me the ALF is charging her double, which it isn't. I expect some money - a deposit perhaps - must have changed hands for her to have a place to move into. She has reverted back to where she was in the summer saying her ALF is dangerous for her, so the paranoia is back in full force. My sis did a good job of stirring her up. I will make a few phone calls on Monday to let her case worker and a few others know what is happening.

Karamella - welcome. The craziness of some of this. Interesting you call your bro a sociopath. I feel my sis is too and I know her motivation is money. That is horrible about your mum. You wouldn't believe how many sibs want the power but not the responsibility. Your poor mum is not in good shape, and obviously not getting the care she needs, Could you discuss this with a social worker or the Agency on Aging? Are there any free resources -someone who could help your mum a few hours/days a week? I think you should talk to someone at the county or state level. Sounds like things are pretty horrible. Worth a try!

Joan~I too thought some months back that my sister may have the beginning of early onset dementia. I did some research on brain fog...this website explains it and the causes: http://www.drlam.com/blog/brain-fog/1962/. I think this is what she has. She has low blood pressure which causes it, so does consuming artificial sweeteners, and sis is drinking diet pepsi for the caffeine as it helps to raise her blood pressure. Not eating meat daily can cause it...there are many reasons for it including hypoglycemia which sis can get due to the diabetes. What I got out of the article was that a person needs to change their overall diet, water consumption, possibly some supplements.

My dad passed at age 76 due to Alzheimer's. He was working part time after age 65 for about 5 years. I am going to take a wild guess that his symptoms started in his late 60's...maybe 68. My mom did not notice it until he officially retired at 70 years old. Mom asked his employer if they noticed anything with him but they just said they noticed he had slowed down. Dad was probably diagnosed with dementia in 1997. Mom had been taking to dad to different dr.s regarding his symptoms but they did not know what they were doing, when he was diagnosed, he much more advanced than my mom. Mom was probably 80 years old when we knew she had early Alzheimer's, she is now 84. We have no history of early onset dementia but that doesn't mean it could not happen.

I really think my sister's problem is brain fog. Yesterday she could not do simple arithmetic. I measured a wall...it was 8'11". We want half of that to get center...she couldn't figure it out.

I don't want to sound like a mean person, but when sis is like this, she should stay home to rest and take care of herself. Today she was better cognitively but not physically. The first restaurant we went to was packed with people...standing outside waiting to be seated. We were already running late because mom was not ready when we got there. I told sis, I don't think this is going work so we can meet the my Mike and our nephew Mike by 11am. Do you want to go somewhere else. She agreed. I asked for the keys to her car...I drive faster, LOL!! We went across town, when we got out of the car, I told her pointing...we can either eat at Chubby's or the Waffle Shop. Sis responded with a furrowed brow and a tone saying what "is" Chubby's? Well my response...probably not the best under the circumstances because her tone and expression show disapproval, I said it is a diner. She got mad, saying you know, I am tired of you snapping at me, rolling your eyes, is it because I am slow? I said no...she said well I am tired of you snapping at me for no reason!! I said there is a reason...1)your tone and expression of eating at Chubby's (which is a very good breakfast diner), showed complete disapproval...2) I snapped at you a couple weeks ago because you don't accept it when I say no...not today responding with "I DON'T UNDERSTAND!!! You don't have to understand, just accept that Mike and I said no...let it go!!! She said let's just eat at the Waffle Shop. Go figure!!

My point again is that when sis is not cognitively up to par or physically up to par, she should stay home and let me and others handle things. She won't do that because she thinks only she can make decisions...I am not considered capable by her..this is the truth in how she overall responds to me on situations.The only thing sis was needed for, was to sign the new rent agreement yesterday. I know this sounds petty, but I don't get very many consecutive days off work. Sis gets every weekend off. Because of her health, she does not come here to check to on mom...this is understandable...but at the same time, I am not a machine that keeps on ticking like the energizer rabbit. I worked 6 days last week with overtime, this week, I have only one day off again because a co-worker is having surgery on Monday for a tummy tuck. She lost over 100 lbs., gets rashes with the excess skin.I expect this will be my schedule for the next 4-6 week to pick up the slack with her off. I did request the weekend of my birthday off, Dec. 14-15. That may be the only consecutive days off I get for a while...they are mine, selfishly admitted,LOL!!

Thanks for letting me vent all this. When sis is feeling better, I will share this website with her, hoping she will make some diet changes..not holding my breath on it as she is like mom...what she learned years ago still applies.

Hugs to everyone!!

Emjo,

I can so relate when you said, that you are there to do something for them.
It was like I had a breakthrough today, in my relationship w/my sister. Remember, that I wrote very recently how she'd had a birthday? Well her daughter had reserved a couple of rooms out of town so that the daughters, son in law and my sister's little grandkids could celebrate w/her. My sister called me very late in this plan to tell me that her caregiver had cancelled out being able to watch mom that weekend, so that she was wondering if I could, and I couldn't since we were going out of town to work. Of course, I felt the guilt because of the whole situation, not being able to accomodate her.

So, I almost called her yesterday evening to offer myself to stay the night, which was Sat., night and since I didn't see mom on Thanksgiving, in a way kind of to make it up to my sister. But you know, I didn't call her. Today, Sat., at 2:00 p.,m.,
I just drove down there, she had no idea I was coming. I thought, I just wanted to visit mom, and not have to feel like I'm again also going there to accomodate my sister, in her plans. My sister was going out the door too, since it was her boyfriend's birthday. But she seemed to be in a bad mood, again as if she going to celebrate w/him was a forced issue. It felt very negative, some of the things she was saying just before she left mother's house.

Anyway, the caregiver that was to stay the night showed up about 45 mins., into the visit. I felt from my sister, that she probably was thinking, I should have called her to let her know I was coming, then that way she probably would have no need to hire a caregiver. Anyway, too bad, I'm tired of this kind of an expectation.
I'm in, I see my mom, I'm out......don't have to absorb all of my sister's negativity.
Also, I am sick and tired of feeling used. This is the worst part. It finally dawned on me! Duhhhhhhhhh!

I could kick myself in the a**, the fact that it's taken me sooooooo long to figure this out!

Oh and I do realize the guys just think differently. My husband is also an extrovert. I'm kind of in between, sometimes intro, and sometimes extro.

Thanks for all of your ideas, they make a lot of sense.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Juju,

I too, wish I had a better authentic relationship w/all my siblings. Sometimes I feel like we just go through the motions trying to keep mom's needs met.
But in both my brothers cases, they are completely removed from really being more concerned with our mom. The youngest brother, hardly ever has mom in his charge, alone, or w/take her to his house so that he and the difficult SIL, will watch her, and basically help out. My other brother is willing to take mom to his house every now and again, but that just doesn't happen that often, once in a blue moon, or when all else has failed, as in......I'm the back up, but I can't make it. My brothers rarely call me, I don't call them much either, so guess we're even in that department.

Even with my sister, we of the siblings have been closer in the sense that we are women, hence were treated the same way by mother, which was we were always of service to her. But I have a few gf's that I feel much more bonded with compared to my own sister.

This must be a very difficult position for you to be in with your brother.

Good idea about the stethescope.
So glad you enjoyed your Thanksgiving.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sharynmarie,

Your not being mean, you are using common sense. If some just isn't feeling good, stay the heck home already.

Your sister really is totally out of touch with her health. Much of what you're describing here has to do with controlling the blood sugar. What kind of diet does she maintain?

My neighbor takes high blood pressure medication. She has a problem that she can't taste, nor smell. It was affected by some medications some years ago.
This really is a factor about her becoming increasingly dis-interested in food.
But I've been with her several times, and suddenly, she claims she's feeling dizzy. I always ask her, "Have you eaten?" The answer is always, "No." Well no wonder. Sometimes if she makes coffee in the a.m., she's invited me. She'll usually offer me some kind of cookies, or cake. But this is not a good kind of thing to be eating, no less for breakfast.

It is tricky, too for diabetics, what they're eating, and when they're eating, to control the blood sugar. It made me laugh to read, she's telling you, "you're snapping at her." It looks like the exact opposite if you ask me. Besides, has it occurred to you, given the health problems she has are enough to keep anyone in a b****y mood?

My sister was not in a good mood today, when I went to mom's either.
Mom was cute. She asked me two times if I drove.
Later we were sitting at the dining table, and she was kind of naughty.

I think I've written about my sister's youngest daughter, and how overweight she is. I don't say this to be catty, but out of concern. Well, mom was looking over in the direction where my niece was, (she and a friend were eating some left overs).
Mom looked at me and puckered up her cheeks as if, mimicking that my niece was stuffing her face. It's one of those ALZ moments, that could be interpreted as not being nice, no filter. I had to look in another direction, because I wanted to laugh at mother's reaction. It reminded me of a mis-behaved child. So I started asking her something, to distract her. I didn't want my niece to catch on that mom did that. Don't think she noticed.

You are right, your sister can't take "No," for an answer.
Good luck with the decorating.

Much Love & LIght! Margeaux

Emjo, Yes, siblings used moms money as a deposit on a one bedroom for mom and her husband. Did not even consult him, he is competent! We are also one the verge of having a guardian and conservator approved by the court. The things they have done, completely unbelievable.

I have not touched moms money either, well a few times for things necessary for her. But she or sister POA would sign the checks.

Glad - what a mess. Your siblings made their move because they are about to lose control. Remember, siblings may make the deposit but they cannot force the parents to go there. I've read here on AC of conflicts between POA and the competent spouse. If siblings also have medical POA, they may be able to force the issue with your mom - if she was declared incompetent and a Danger to self or someone else. If not a danger, then they cannot force her against her will. But they may be able to talk her into it. wow....

book, got your e-mail, just woke up will respond when I get real computer on. I hate typing on my tAblet. See? Tablet typing is an exercise is patience and concentration so it must be therapeutic too?

sharyn – I know brain fog as I had it with the fibromyalgia. Low BP could well do it, and not eating properly and being diabetic would certainly do it. Re eating meat/protein she needs to eat it in the morning at breakfast. I make a point of this with my students, some of whom would come to morning classes very dopey. Studies have shown that protein (meats, eggs, dairy etc.) taken in the morning keeps your blood sugar steady all day better than anything else. This is for normal people and even more important for a diabetic. I agree, a person needs a major dietary change. The protein in the morning will prevent hypoglycemia later on the day as long as she eats sensibly the rest of the day. Your family dementia does look like later onset. I agree that your sis’s problems is likely related to poor self-care in general and diet in particular and her diabetes. She should stay home and take care of herself. I had to laugh when you wrote you drive faster – I tend to have a heavy foot too. Glad you got it out to her about about the snapping. You are not being petty, nor selfish, sharyn!!!

marg – all my life –it is the Cinderella position in the family. In my case my mother appointed me POA and EPA. My sister swoops in and decides that she will move mother –against my recommendations, which I arrived at after consulting mother’s case manager. She encourages mother’s paranoia about being badly treated at her present ALF, tells me I am not doing anything for mother, sets this move in motion and then wants me to do the work. It is unbelievable. I am glad you had the breakthrough. These narcissistic people are users and you have to protect yourself. They try to guilt you into doing things. I am so glad you did not make the call. You made you plan to visit your mother for your reasons Great!!! Sick and tired if being used? Oh yes!!! Doesn’t matter how long it took – you got it now.

Glad – where do these people get off think they can step in and run other people’s lives. Unbelievable indeed. Not so different to what my sis has done –and I have POA and EPA but she has totally disregarded that and is moving mother to a new place. What can I do about it – I suppose I could go to court but not worth it. Mother will receive adequate care there and a court case would be very distressing. Sis denies that mother has BPD, narcissism and paranoia, and she inflames mother. A move is not going to solve anything and will deprive mother of some of the benefits of where she lives now – the large downtown mall complex she can access from her ALF all under the same roof, proximity to her financial advisor who has been very good to her. He or his staff will pop into mother’s to help her with the odd bit of mail etc. that confuses her. She will be far from her church now – it was only a few blocks away. She will be further away from her doctor’s office. There is nowhere pleasant for her to walk or go on her scooter as this new place is on a busy street, though they do have a small courtyard, Mother very much enjoyed the view she had from her living room window. Sis did ask me if the new place was cheaper and I think that is her driving force. If mother goes to a cheaper place there will be more money left over when mother dies –and sis plans on getting all the inheritance.
At least sis cannot get her hands on mother’s money other than, as book suggests, by talking her into something.

Mother will have the same problems with the new place –what then?

Emjo-
Keep in mind that if you give up POA, then you may be in my shoes. Sib can do whatever she damn well pleases which is why we agreed to impartial third party assistance of a guardian and conservator in mediation. But having that agreement in place right now is completely worthless, Sib continues to do whatever she damn well pleases, also because of inheritance that she will lose to me as caregiver. The hell with what mom wants as far as she is concerned to say nothing of mom's spouse.

thanks glad,

the thing is, is doing what she pleases anyway - even with me as POA. Our situation is different in that this is what mother wants - at present. It is not what some of us think is best for her. But it is not the worst for her either. There are two benefits that I can see - it is cheaper and mother's money will last longer - that could benefit mother if she lives to 110 or 112 . Also, it has tiered levels of care so should mother need it, she can more easily be moved to a nursing type situation, I suppose you could add another one which is that she will be less agitated and happier for a short while until she starts finding fault with this place.

I, like you, think an impartial third party would be the best to take care of mother's business. It gets rid of the family issues.

Sis is quite aware that mother will be no happier in the new place in the long run. She has voiced that. So, as far as I can see, she is doing it to 1) please mother (which she hopes will be beneficial to her in the end - mother has already disinherited me once and put me back in her will again) and 2) have more money in the estate in the end to go into her own pocket and also I think mother has convinced her that mother will run out of money, and that we will have to pay her rent, so the cheaper the pace the better. She met with mother's financial advisor so I don't understand why she didn't ask him how long mother's money would last. She prefers to listen to and believe the rantings of a mentally ill woman rather than hear the truth from a professional - but then that has always been the case.

I am the executor and do not intend to give that up. If sis tried to misuse mother's money, I can, as executor, request an accounting of what she has done, and any monies that have not been used properly can be withheld from sis's portion of the estate. Actually, I do not intend to do the job of executor myself, but to employ a professional to do it, as sis will play whatever games she can and that will make it harder for me if I do it myself. This way the sibling games are prevented, at least to some degree.

That sis "won" so to speak this time, around means nothing to me. It is a matter of what is better for mother. But, in truth, there is nothing that will make mother's quality of life better other than her taking her antipsychotic meds. This a bandaid therapy, geographical change, that solves nothing. She is getting more and more paranoid again and I would rather have seen her break down again where she is, end up back in hospital, be put back on meds and so on. I think it will happen again eventually no matter where she is.

4-5 messages this morning , about the cost of mother's rent ,which is the same it has been for a long time, and that mother's money is running out, which is not true. I have consulted with her financial advisor who says her money will last another 8 years at least, and that is not taking everything into account. It is the old lose-lose game. Mother is saying that sis came because she is concerned for mother, and all mother sees is that I am not - but she has twice refused to see me.

sharyn - I think you are right -I have to delete the messages and not listen to them. Mother knows perfectly well that she has enough money. When I mentioned her concern about money in the hospital this summer, she said she knew she was OK. This is another one of her ploys for attention and playing one daughter against another.

I am so sick of it all, let sis carry the ball - they will malign me one way or another anyway. I may send out a family update, but will wait a while to see how things unfold.

Karamella~Welcome to the thread. It sure sounds like a mess your brother has created. Greedy siblings want all the power and control but don't want to do the work.

Glad~It is mind boggling what siblings do. I hope you can get all this settled, but chances are it will continue to be a source of stress as long as your mother is living. My sister and I have a moments of arguments, but we usually come through it putting mom's best interest first.

My heart goes out to you, Karamella and Joan, having to deal with a sibling who is trouble making.

Margeaux~Your mother is priceless!! I remember my dad saying things when his filter was gone...very funny.

Friday when sis and I got together, we spent 7 hours together. Sis did not eat during that time. It never occurred to me to ask her if she wanted to get lunch and she didn't mention it. She also cannot smell or taste which causes her not be hungry. I know she doesn't eat like she should, in addition, she won't cook...she eats frozen dinners. What she eats while at work, I don't know. Being diabetic and going 7 hours without food has to affect her blood sugar, I would think.

Good for you in deciding to visit your mother and side stepping your sister's negativity!! We learn as we go along.

Take care and hugs to you!

Sharyn - not eating - proper food - regularly will affect your sis's blood sugar. Frozen dinners are not enough as a basis - once in a while would be OK. Does you sis not realise what will happen to her if she does not look after her blood sugar? Ex G is suffering from some of those things now - heart disease, foot problems, neuropathy (nerve pain). She could also suffer from a stroke, and eye problems leading to blindness. It is not a pretty picture. This is all due to not keeping the blood sugar steady. Going 7 hours without food would guarantee an affect on her blood sugar. Diabetics can go into a coma due to high or low blood sugar. Not being able to smell or taste would make it more difficult, I can see that, but still not a reason not to care for herself, That is very sad. Her overall health is suffering and it only will get worse, I do see that you and your sis bicker a bit but manage to work it out. That has never happened with me and my sis, unfortunately. have a good day!

Emjo,

This is quite bad what your mother and sister are trying to do to you!
Shame on them. I guess your mother thought she'd have a go w/your sister to,
since she was unsuccessful with you the last time around.

You notice how there are people too, who always will somehow think that the grass is greener somewhere else. You look at the over all picture, and obviously are looking out for the welfare of your mother. She won't have all these wonderful places to see that are accessible to her now where she lives.

Your in my thoughts Emjo!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux