The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Yes, margeaux, it is triangulation - use one person to hurt another. Mother says hurtful things about my sis to me behind her back too, but I don't pass it on, or really let it affect my view of my sis as I know where mother is coming from. Sis has earned my view of her, herself, in direct interaction with me. There is nothing new about this, It has been going on all my life.

Trying to think of what I an be thankful for. I guess I can be thankful that sis is occupying mother, and will move her and deal with all her furniture. I sure am not going to. I can be thankful that mother will think that this is the best place in the world for a short while. I can be thankful that this place is cheaper so mother's money will last longer, Who knows, at this rate, how long she will live.

Joan~My sister knows what the outcome is of not taking care of herself. She already has neuropathy. When she was first diagnosed with diabetes, the dr. said she had already had diabetes for at least 10 years. That is why she is considered stage 4. Once they started bringing her blood sugar down the severe pain from neuropathy showed up. She has it in her lower back, legs and feet. She was told that some of the pain will go away after 2 years because it takes the nerves that long to regenerate, but not all will go away.

What I do know about my sister's eating habits is that when she was first diagnosed, she complained that she could not eat what the dietitican told her to eat. It was too much because sis has the habit of not eating lunch...to keep her wait down. Then not being able to taste or smell food contributes to her lack of appetite. In the beginning she was still skipping lunch because she was not hungry...I don't know if she still is. I do know that for a while she was stopping at McDonald's on her way to work to an egg mcmuffin. Whether she is still doing that, I don't know.

I know that if I tell her to eat more healthy things such as (the hospital dietitican told my husband) a celery stick with peanut butter for breakfast, a salad with some protein and raw veggies for lunch, sis will complain that she can't afford to buy the healthy foods. I disagree because if you can afford to eat the "junk" that I know she eats, buying fresh veggies, peanut butter, sugar free yogurt...cost in the long run comes out the sames of less. You can buy a rotisserie chicken from the grocery store for $7.99. Shred it, put it in freezer bags in portion sizes. Use it in a salad for lunch with some tomato, onion, cucumber. It really does not require much prep or cooking skills. It just requires some time and planning.

I am going to approach sis when she is in a better frame of mind, to find out what she is doing as far as her eating habits go. I can't help but feel that she has to some extent, given up because what she knows to do is not working but she is not willing to learn new things. Overall, this is not my problem and I am not going to take it as though it is, I will only present her with ideas. I know her depression is related to the brain fog and I don't think taking antidepressants is going to help her...which they are not.

Emjo, sorry I'm taking so long replying. Struggling with vicarious anger to do with your loss of your son coupled with your mother's/sister's ongoing behaviour. Thoughts so far would not help. xxx

Sharyn,
One of the most bizarre things in this is that siblings know mom is happy and well cared for. They are more interested in getting me out of the picture.

I imagine it would ease their guilt?

Sharynmarie,

You had quite a day moving your mother, then finding this woman on the floor.

This is really a dangerous place, for anyone to be in like your sister and my neighbor, not being able to smell and taste food. My neighbor doesn't show interest in cooking her own food. She does get on a kick every now and again in when she gets edema in her ankles. She's on HBP medication, and becomes obsessive about the salt. But then she ends up eating pre-cooked food in packages, which is loaded with salt, so I understand that she has no clue about her health. Besides how does one explain being vigilante about salt, but having no problem drinking a whole bottle of wine by herself. Then she's dragging around, and hardly gets exercise. This is why I believe she has high blood pressure.
Oh no! This skipping meals, as your sister does, is definitely not a good thing for anyone, really no less a diabetic. My neighbor is very verbal about the fact she's not interested in food, and always brings up that she can't taste. One time when her own son-in-law, came to check up on her after she'd had the venous procedure, I popped in. She'd been complaining about the dizzy spells. So I asked her, when the last time was she'd had a square meal, and she couldn't give me an answer. When she tried blaming this negligence on the lack of taste, I told her, "Yes, but your still alive, and you must have nutrition." She's very, very stubborn and argumentative at times. I don't like it when she gets this way.

Well, I'm sure you can give her ideas. But I've learned with people that they can have all the information in front of them, but until they take active steps themselves, it's just info. I can't even approach the subject of health w/my sister and her daughter, because it is a weight issue. I know that's a very touchy subject, so I leave that alone.

You've told her though, but best not to get too involved in that for your own sake.
She really needs to figure this one out herself.

You're a kind woman, Sharynmarie,
and I hope this recent move for your mom is a good one.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Emjo,

Yes, my sister employs lot's of sexism when it comes to her choices as to how she deals with me vs. my brothers. She even as a kid, knew how to get that extra attention from my dad, hence was way more daddy's girl. I never was that, but now that I'm an adult, I'm not that kind of woman, either. She feeds her big ego, through attentions by men.

She doesn't think twice about calling me first, so that I can do emergency caregiving. She'll rarely call my brothers. Then she seems to have conveniently overlooked, "golden boy's," irresponsible, greedy transgressions while he had POA, of mom and the battle ax, (mom's sis). This happened since in her mind, no matter what, men are a special class. She got very sucked into "golden boy's"
world last year, when he had his prostrate surgery, then at first we thought his wife left him. But we found out later, that he threw her out, or gave her some kind of an ultimatum of sorts. Well, she never returned. On this note.....my brother goes around making it appear as if life has move on for him. He and the wife haven't lived with one another for about 1.5 yrs. They've never come together to talk, no legal separation, nor divorce. But when I talk to my sister she makes it sound as if our brother is doing great. I tell her he's in denial. Truth be told, I'm suspicious really that possibly my brother may be thinking that he didn't handle this departure of his wife the best way. My sister gives both my brothers lots of slack when it comes to their participation in the care of mom. She also gives them a lot of credit for their accomplishments. But I know she never does that in my case, because she's very jealous of me. That is her doing too, because she has been this way since she was a child.

Oh well, I guess our relationships w/our sisters leave a lot to be desired, but I'm so thankful for all the ideas and support, especially about narcissism that I have learned by being a part of this thread, and getting feedback from people like yourself, and others.

Thanx Emjo,
Hugs, Much Love & Light!

I have been trying to find our Christmas lights, and I don't know where my husband put them. I took out my two homemade red satin boots that I made years ago from left over fabric. They're funny looking. I decorated them w/some very long black fringe. We don't buy a tree, so I use a tomato wire basket and put lights on it. That's my version of a Christmas tree. HAAH!

I wanted to get some shopping done these last few days, but didn't dare go out,
because of all this hype about Black Friday. Maybe I'll do it this week, when everyone returns to work.

Margeaux

Glad~I think when siblings who take no interest in caring for their parent, then suddenly want to get involved and are criticizing the sibling who is doing the caregiving...have ulterior motives. It may be guilt, more commonly it is greed. Do your siblings want to move your mother in with them as well? Or do they just want control over finances and medical?

Margeaux~I am going to talk with my sister, giving her some information...what she chooses to do with it, is up to her. I am also going to tell her that when she is in the condition she was in on Friday and Saturday, she should stay home because...really, she is more of a hindrance than a help. I am quiet capable of making decisions of what to put on a wall for decorations, I know that sis thinks she has better taste. Decorating is personal to each person, having elite taste is fine if your Martha Stewart. To decorate for another person, you have to have a sense of who that person is, sis is going to decorate according to her own taste...narcissism. There were some pieces we could have put up in mom's room, sis hates them so she refused to allow it. In other words, the decorating had to be a reflection of her good taste and refinement

Anyway, I am not going to get involved in my sister's health other than to suggest that she make some changes nutritionally. I will be questioning her when she comes down here in the future. I do not want to deal with her when she is like she was on Friday and Saturday.

I was going to put our tree up on Friday, maybe this Friday when I am off. I am going to make some changes with the lights on the tree, getting all clear lights. I want to update the decorations, make it more simple and elegant.

Today is Midgets grooming day, as I bent over to get my shoes...........OH WOW!! The pain down my left leg was horrible! Needless to say, I called off work for the day. All across my lower back and my left butt cheek is like a deep muscle cramp with pain down my left leg, LOL!! It is a Mineral Ice and heating pad day.

Take care everyone!!

Sharyn - I think some information and then let it go is a good approach, I suspect your sis already knows what she needs to do for herself, but doesn't care enough about herself to do it. Sharing some ideas with her, especially in light of your hubby's recent stroke, shows you care about her. I think setting the limit that if she is not well to stay home is a very good one. Definitely, if she won't eat properly, the antidepressants are not going to make up the difference. Your brain needs glucose to function. I agree about the ulterior motives you mentioned to glad, I see that working in my sis right now. Your new ideas for your tree sound great, I am so sorry that your sciatic is acting up. I know it is very painful. Hope the mineral ice and heating pad work. My oldest son had/has that and used one of the Robaxacet products. I have found them good for fibromyalgia pain.

cm - no prob! Gordie is safe in heaven now and I will see him again. Of that, I have no doubt. If there is anything I have learned over the years is that life is fraught with perils and is not fair. I will come out of this thing with mother and sister, if not smelling like a rose, though I think I will, blooming like a rose where I am planted, if that makes any sense. I quoted "Illegitimi non carborundum" to someone and I am applying to me as well. I will not let the "nasty people" grind me down. I simply will not. I am worth more than that. I have felt enough pain and shed enough tears.Thank you for your empathy. There are some drawbacks to being the empathetic type, I know from experience. (((((((((hugs)))))))

glad - these siblings have some big issues that have nothing to do with us or really with the care of our parent, In my view they are flawed. I know we all are flawed, but this goes above and beyond the normal range. Guilt may have something to do with it. I think greed does too, and power, jealousy, control and the need to win. ((((((hugs))))) to you to. It is hard being the butt of these family dynamics.

margeaux - I remember the drama of your bro and his wife, and the prostate surgery. Jealousy seems to be a big factor in these family dysfunctions. I know it is with my sis who wants to have a "man" in her life and has settled for what I think is a very unsavory situation, but not my business. She is also jealous of something to do with my kids - I don't get it. I am so very thankful for the support and ideas from this thread and this web site too and the "cyber sisters" I have found here. Invaluable!!! I love your version of a tree. I have done similar. I have a small "tree" I made from a tomato cage ad I put it in a large garbage bag with all decorations still on during the year and bring it out for Christmas. I also have a large 6 ft tall artificial tree (not a Christmas tree) from mother's apt. I prefer live plants but Gary likes it, so we have it in the living room and I have decorated it with little lights, and then add a very few decorations once it is lit. It works! Last year, I put the tomato cage tree outside on the front deck, in front of the bay window, so it worked for outside and in. I need to shop too, but we have a snow fall warning so today is not the day!

I had an epiphany which I will write about in a separate post. I am feeling much better. Love and hugs

Thanks, Emjo
I am sure you are right many emotional problems rolled up into two sisters. I really think guilt is a big part of it. I also know they would never be able to do what I have done for more than two years now almost all of which completely without support from them. What they fail to recognize is that mom is safe, comfortable, happy and well taken care of at home.

Nothing they do or say surprises me any longer. I normally just shake my head and smile. It is all just completely bizarre and sisters are the only ones that do not at all recognize it. Narcissism in the family, they think it should be all about them. And one of them is a counselor, of the mental health variety, by trade, and knows very well how to manipulate everybody else. It is astounding what tears do for her.

Sharyn, yes, I also think it is a control issue over finances and medical. They would not want mom in their homes even for a weekend. Mom is still in her home of 50 years only because I am here and sissies recognize that as well. But we have agreed upon a conservator and guardian, order not yet signed by the judge, and thanks to my sis's idiotic lawyer, I just don't think she understands that she now loses control. She remains co-trustee with conservator, which I am not happy about because she will not agree with anything conservator tells her. We are not done yet by a long shot!

Glad~that is a shame...power plays!! Are you able to or do you want to get a conservatorship/guardianship over your mother?I know it is expensive since sis and I checked into that at one point with our mother. Here is in California, we were told it takes about 6-9 months, however you can get it done quicker if you declare an emergency, but it costs more. I am praying for you and this situation. Hugs!!

glad - I hear you about the narcissism in the family. My sis has a two yr. diploma in counselling as well as an arts degree. Amazing that they cannot apply their knowledge to themselves. I am sorry that one sis will remain co trustee. It doesn't sound workable.

I will share my epiphany later.

Talked on the phone with mother's case worker (N)and the Health and Wellness coordinator (L) at mother's ALF. They both agree that some very bad decisions have been made and that mother is back where she was last summer. Her case worker has put in a call into the mental health worker to visit mother again and possibly get her into a psych ward for a while. L agrees that mother is very paranoid again and needs psych help. If she would take her meds she would be OK, but it appears that she isn't. Not that she isn't paranoid even then, but it doesn't bother her as much. She is not a danger to herself or others at present, but she is in quite a state, and they have seen that my sister inflames her. Apparently now her paranoia is extending to include the bank as well as her ALF. No one knows if she has a unit in another ALF, and so far no one has been able to get a hold of the director of that ALF. The suggestion has been made that it might be good to admit her to a geriatric psych hospital; for assessment, stabilization, treatment and rehab.The mental health nurse can do that. They don't keep people, but work with them and then discharge them with follow up to an approved location, which I think for mother would be back to her ALF. She is too physically well for a nursing home. I will have to write the lawyer and say, for now, I had better stay as EPA etc. till we get mother stabilized. When I heard the other side of the stories I got from my mother and sister, the "paranoid fantasies" are more extensive and less fact based than I thought. I am shocked that my sister did not recognise that and went along with them. She has very poor judgement/ability to evaluate. However, I will not let this get in the way of me looking after me. I will communicate with the

sigh - this too will pass. I owe myself a nice holiday once this has settled down a bit. :)

Joan~Can you authorize them referring your mother for a psych ward to evaluate and stabilize your mom? Since this would be a good move for your mother and since your sister is wanting to play savior, she probably will back off since you have the authority to do this. Maybe getting a restraining order against your sister with statements from the ALF stating she is inciting your mother's condition of paranoia. Just a thought.

If my back is not better tomorrow morning I will go to the dr.I tried to change Midgets appointment this morning but my groomer has her own situation going. Her dear friend and partner was diagnosed with ovarian cancer (age 69). "D" is working by herself right now which means she has to bathe the dogs comb them out and clip them all by herself. "R" is having surgery on Thursday at Stanford. I will check back with her before Christmas since Midgets next appt. is not until Jan. 15.

Yes, Joan it will all pass in time so plan a relaxing but fun getaway. Get your hair done, a paws and claws and enjoy yourself!!

Take care,
Love and Hugs!!

I don't think one sis remaining co-trustee is workable either. But at least it will be arbitration with the conservator when they disagree.

Sharyn - thank you. I think I did that in the phone call today. L, who has seen mother, and I agree that mother is in a bad state again. She will advise that to N. Then I talked to N and she has a call into the mental health worker (S).to visit mother. S has the power to admit mother to a psych facility. We are agreed this would be beneficial to mother. Ultimately it is up to S. L thinks that if S sees mother in the state she is in now it will happen.

L and N now see that sis makes mother's problems worse. I have updated the lawyer and said I will stay put with EPA and PD for now but if it becomes too stressful I will try to withdraw again,

I will contact the Director of the ALF tomorrow and suggest that he not accept a termination of lease notice from mother without my approval. I will also call the other ALF and ask what is happening regarding mothers application and tell them that I have PD and EPA and I will need to approve any move.

You know, I thought about a restraining order. The lawyer is informed of what is happening. I will wait and see what happens with the mental health nurse visit and see what her assessment is. One step at a time. Then, depending on the mental health nurse's assessment and if mother is admitted to the psych facility I could run it past the lawyer. If I did that I would suspect a counter suit from my sis and a lot of squawking and maligning from her and mother. I really do not want to get into that if I can avoid it, but as long as I have EPA and PD I need to exercise it.

Sorry for the troubles your groomer has - nasty. I ended up grooming Matt myself the last 6 months. He was too weak to stand for too long. He had very curly hair for a springer and it matted - so I worked away at it and got him looking pretty good in his last months. He had lost some weight, so I easily lifted him up into the sink for a shampoo and rinse, and he didn't object. Springers love water. I miss him.

At this point, I am ready to take a holiday with or without G. If he wants to stay and haul hay, good for him. I want some sun and fun. lol Got a perm last week and it turned out well. Claws done and need the paws done. Touch up for the eyebrows and eyeliner booked for mid January. I am eating a lot of chocolate these days - one square at a time and mostly sugar free.;)

You take care too - sciatica is no fun. Love and hugs

,

glad - I was thinking that. At least, you will not be in between. That has to be worth something, and also the conservator will see how your sis operates which should be valuable. hang in there

Glad and Emjo, thanks for your posts. They apply to my situation too. Dealing with Narissistic behaviors from both Mom and Sis who is bipolar to boot is the most challenging thing I have ever had to cope with. In my 50's and now living back at the home I spent many years trying to get away from is hard and lonely. I am so grateful fir this network of caregivers. I learn so much and even though I am lonely, I don't fell alone. Right now I am trying to find day time work. I also am trying to educate my brothers to all that I do. One thinks I am basically a squatter. He hasn't a clue at all I do to maintain the house, laundry, rolling up her hair, meals, meds, security guard, phone screening, heavy lifting, grocery shopping, chauffeur svc and overall peace of mind for my Mom. He thinks I should hold a full time job, take care if all this AND pay rent to live here. He is the EXEC for the will. All funds he is helping with and paying out he plans to deduct from the estate when the time comes. He informed Mom about that during his last visit..nice huh? She never approved it, he just informed her that's how it's going to be. I know I doing the right thing by being here. I am taking cleaning jobs fir some cash. I just want to protect myself for when this all changes.

DINY - hi again - you posted a while ago. That is not good to have the bro who is exec think like that. Is there any way you could go to a lawyer and have a caregiver contract drawn up and present it to bro. or have him come to a lawyer with you so he hears that caregivers get paid. Narcissistic parents and sibs are very hard to deal with. Could you write out what you do and put a price to what it would cost to hire someone? I wish you luck in educating them. Some men seem to think because you a woman is home all day she doesn't work. They should try it for a week!!! Does your mum agree with your bro about deducting from your part of the estate? It does sound like you need to protect yourself -with legal help. (((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

glad - I am not sure your sibs even care of your mum is so well looked after -they don't sound like the kind of people that do care. My sis is so blinded by her own agenda that I don't think she sees how much she inflames our mother. She blames it on me.

EMJO-
I think they love my mom and feel that what I do for her since I also live here should be free. But if someone was hired to do what I do it would be in the area of $9,000.00 a month in my area. That frightens them because there may be nothing left when mom passes. And mom had a long term care policy that she stopped paying on about 8 years ago, beginning of dementia, is my guess. POA sis was notified as far as I can tell and just let it happen, though I would be surprised if she really understood what was happening.

its all about the money... and she (mother) let a LTC policy lapse and POA sis didn't understand???

You betcha! If that hadn't happened maybe we wouldn't be here right now.

I feel overwhelmed being an only child and trying to take care of a 96 year old mother, a 92 year old father and a 90 year old aunt, but at least I do not have to deal with siblings that are off the wall too.. something to be thankful for even if i feel overwhelmed, having sibs might just make it worse, not better...

DaughterInNY~I posted and submitted but it didn't show up...so I will try again.

My mother has an estate trust she had drawn up by her elder law attorney. The bulk of my mothers money is with a financial company in annuities. Currently this money is not being used for our mother's care as she has a LTC policy that is paying 100% of her care at the memory care unit. My sister was named as Executor of the trust, but all she can do is use the money in the annuities to pay for mom's care. She will not be able to distribute any money that is left as an inheritance to us siblings. It will be done through the financial company. The reason why...in the beginning, mom had it set up so sis would be the one to do that, but sis told me she would withhold our eldest brother's inheritance and take her sweet time seeing he gets it because he wants nothing to do with any of us. Well, I snitched on her and told mom. I didn't believe my sister has the right to do that regardless of how we may feel about our brother....the bottom line is, mom wants him to have an inheritance if there is any money left even though he wont talk with our mother, send a card or anything. This was done long before mom showed any signs of dementia. My mom asked me several times what she should about "T" our eldest brother in regards to an inheritance, I kept telling her to do what you can live with. To be honest, I had hoped she would disinherit him...but she didn't and I can live with that too. Yes, I am a snitch, LOL!!

The reason I am telling you this is because, your mother...provided she is not mentally incompetent can change it. It may be worth talking to her about it in light of what your brother has said. Your mothers estate can be changed so he can continue as Executor but not have authority to distribute any money to siblings in the end. To my knowledge, sis is not aware that this change took place. I have no guilt or regrets telling my mother.

Good for you Sharyn-
My mom is very lucid when these things come up, usually when she has been served with court papers. She asks why this is occurring, when explained, she wants to disinherit. But I still would be fair to sisters, they should have something, but come on now... Share and share alike has more than on connotation.

Glad~LOL!! My brothers will get 30% while my sister and I get 70%...that is if there is anything left. Right now the LTC policy is paying....it will run out in less than 4 years. I really am not counting on getting an inheritance...this is mom's money and it is for her care...that is first.

Hi everyone,
Wow the holiday and the emotions it brought up really wiped me out! Along with that headache I had till bout Sunday....I think I am also very tired of our living situation.....
Well checking back in with you all....hope the holiday was the best it could be...
Margeaux that was interesting bout the last minute dinner, glad you stuck to your plans and had a nice time.
Sharyn...Sounds like the decorating went OK. Sorry bout your sis and her health issues, but yes she needs to take care of herself! I hope your mom is not upset for long bout the move. Hopefully all the work you did to decorate and make it homey for her will help with her adjustment. Maybe removing Midget would help with the next gathering, less separation anxiety for her!
Joan- Thank you for understanding. That was a lovely words about letting go. My goodness I am so sorry to hear about your son. I cant imagine the strength and faith it would take to get where you are thru that! Been eventful again hopefully something good comes of this!

TO everyone suffering with this craziness hurt disappointments, and down right selfish acts, and continue to strive to do the right thing know you are special special breed! You are all in my thoughts and prayers, everyone of you!

Peace,
Juju