notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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lastresort - from my point of view you can be glad you don't have siblings . You have a huge load. I hope you get some respite at times. ((((((hugs)))))
sharyn - good for you. Your sis definitely does not have that right. I don't think you were being a snitch, but sharing info as needed
DINY - I do agree with what Sharyn has written. Ask your mother what her wishes are and get them in writing. Even a piece of paper with her signature and the date will hold up I believe. It does here anyway. Your bro has no right to do that! Sometimes we have to get assertive!
I posted on facebook this morning from the Aristocats "Ladies don't start fight but they can finish them."
That seems to apply to a lot of us. lol
Just talked to the director on mother's ALF. I introduced myself by saying that I am the sane one in the family. He cracked up! We really hit it off and I am even more convinced that this is the best place for mother. He was so thankful for my support. I told him to not accept a notice of termination of lease from mother unless I approve it. We had a great chat and are on the same page. I believe that they really are looking out for mother's best interests. He said his grandmother has Alz. and he runs the place according to what he would want for her. I called the facility that sis wants to move mother to and you cannot get through to anyone including the receptionist - you get a message to leave a message. I left a message that I have EPA and PD and I do not approve mother moving in there. The case manager tried to get through several times yesterday and left messages and no one has gotten back to her. I do not want a family member in a place like that. I may have to pay a visit there in person and show them that I have these documents.
Then, I am going to treat myself to something - epiphany story coming - but have stuff to attend to.
Have a great day, everyone! love and hugs
Yes, things with mother are eventful and have been throughout her life, but I have not had the responsibility for her before that I have now, I have a very bad gut feeling about the other ALF. I am now trying to figure out how to convey to my sis that I have exercised PD and told the new place that mother will not be moving there. I will follow up by an email to them so it is in writing, and can attach a copy of the directive.
"craziness hurt disappointments, and down right selfish acts" you expressed that well!!!
Hope you get your living arrangement sorted out soon, How are the repairs coming? Winter is upon us here and can't be too far away for you. Give "ma" a hug from me and (((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) to you
This is really a rough spot to be in. We know here from many of the stories you've shared that you are doing a wonderful thing for your mother. It's just a real shame, when as Emjo stated in her post....that siblings aren't either on board,
or have their own twisted hidden agendas. Well, some of them aren't so hidden either.
Just because a person has academically educated themselves, and has a degree, no less in counseling.....is a guarantee that this person is going to offer other qualities such as understanding, tolerance, nor compassion. We can't get a diploma for that at a university, that I know of.
Hang in there Glad,
You're in my thoughts!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Whoah!!! The situation with your mother, and of course your sister's presence has taken it to another level, hasn't it?
Yes, in this situation, I think it's a wise idea that you exercise the EPA, and PD.
You have professionals assessing the situation now, so I'm sure this changes the picture dramatically. It is unfortunate that your mother won't take some kind of medication, here.
Do you think your sister is somewhat paranoid also? It sure sounds to me like she also suffers from this, given your stories about her.
Yes, a vacation is also in order for me too!
Well, I hear you about the chocolate. We buy these small chip style chocolates.
But I need to go out and get the real deal, which is the good dark chocolate, that I absolutely love.
You hang in there, and you and your's are in my thought!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
First, I had to pick up my husband at the airport. But this time at least, the pick up was at 6:00 p.m., so not as stressful as the day I took him there.
Last night there was finally a vigil held at the Buddhist temple our neighbor belonged to. She's the one who died, oddly enough they found her deceased on my birthday, here on the property in her apartment.
So we literally dumped off my husband's luggage, and dashed up the street to the service. It was actually quite short, and sweet. There were chants offered, that this sect of Buddhist tradition partakes in. Then a member of the congregation, played,
"Rain Drops Keep Falling on My Head."
Now remember the other neighbor who I wrote about that was deceased's friend from childhood? She called us up to inform that there would be this service.
She arranged some food in the lobby after the service, which was a nice gesture.
They had totally lost or their friendship had really gone by the wayside for some years, now. She got up and spoke about her childhood friend, and started to cry.
I feel as if she's feeling guilty, that she couldn't rise above their own friendship problems and really be more caring toward deceased while she was still alive.
Well, and I know.......deceased wasn't an easy kind of personality, either. She had a variety of mental issues, and on top of it all became addicted to pharmaceutical's take on getting healthy.
After the service, this neighbor (organizer) of the food....was taking pictures.
She shot several, while I was talking to a woman, we were exchanging stories about the deceased, like how long we knew her, etc.
So then my husband, I and another male neighbor were standing together.
Neighbor (organizer), lifts her camera to take a picture of us. This made me feel so uncomfortable. So I opted out of the picture, and walked away. This was met of course w/she insisting I get in the picture, followed by my husband making an angry face at me for doing this. Don't ask me what made me do this, and I'm not talking in the sense of I'm sorry that I did. But, I don't like the idea of this neighbor doing this, because I know this is going to end up on her FB, page. Again, I think the gesture of she arranging this food, o.k., I understand you want to honor your friend in some way and all of that. I just didn't feel like I had to become a party to this picture. Oh....my husband behaved as if I'd committed some big mortal sin by my actions. I guess too, since he knows that I'm not good w/this neighbor's maneuvers, (she's the one who had joint custody of Vanilla) the cat she and my husband shared. But I didn't explain anything to my husband, and of course his reasons when it comes to something like this, "Oh, you're not in the picture."
Well, "No." I don't want to be. I just told him I was tired and didn't want being photographed, which was entirely true.
Anyway, also the deceased's sister showed up from Chicago, where they're from for this service. She's staying w/neighbor (organizer) and they're sifting through whatever belongings neighbor (organizer) took out of deceased's apartment.
She's the one who went in and cleaned it all out after deceased died.
So we gave her condolences. It was interesting too, because her deceased sister had been ill for more that 7 yrs., now. Her illness was quite escalated, but I never heard any stories about she coming out to see her sister. So, she was saying
that she was sifting through her sister stuff, in an effort to take a piece of her sister back with her. Wow! This sounded quite sad to me. O.K., maybe I'm judging here,
but IMO not her childhood friend, nor her own family could have some of the compassion towards this very sick person, while she was alive.
So when we got back here, yes I will admit that this "photo session," caused a bit of tension. Here, my husband and I hadn't even had a chance to do a little de-reeing after his trip out of the country during the holiday. This was ruined by that b****h, in apt. C. But I didn't play into this at all!
He was very exhausted after a 17 hr. flight. We went to bed early, because I went out of my way yesterday and really cleaned up our place, so once I get the decorations in place it's clean, and to welcome my hubby home.
Margeaux
She was found dead on Oct. 17th, my birthday. Now I don't want to make it sound as if my birthday is more important than someone's death. But I had some uncomfortable emotional feeling going on inside me, seeing her photo on a brochure style pamphlet that people took at the service, w/her's and my birth date printed on it. I didn't even mention this to any one their of course, but it feels kind of eery. How should I feel about that part?
Margeaux
Joan~It sounds like you are getting some head way here. I am glad you hit it off with the director. He sounds like a good person and his sense of humor is great.
I can't wait to read about your epiphany!!
I had arranged for my sis to call me last night but I had to lay down, the pain was too much. This was at 5:30 and sis would call at 6:00. I had my cell phone with me, but didn't hear it as I fell asleep. We did finally talk this morning about the brain fog. More bad news for my sister....they reduced her to 20 hours a week starting today. She can't get social security because she is only 60. She is checking into getting permanent state disability.. I don't know how this will effect her health insurance. She works 1-5pm now. She will call me tonight.
I have a dr. appt. at 3:40 today. I can walk but only for short periods of time before the pain comes back. This really sucks because I only get 24-30 hours a week. If the dr. puts me out for a week to rest my back, I hope I get some disability payment for it.
I can't blame my sister's employer. If you saw how she was on Friday and Saturday you would agree she should not be working. She couldn't even form words to say without messing up. She was trying to say Xanax, it kept coming out as tackax. I am not sure where this leaves us as far as her continuing to handling mom's finances especially if she ends up having to sell her house to move to Kentucky so her daughters are near her. To my understanding her house is not paid off yet because she borrowed against it 2-3 different times over the years. She admitted to me that she has not been eating any meat at all...I just don't understand her thinking. Oh well.
Talk to all later, have a good day everyone!!
I got a hold of the place that my sis wanted to move my mother into, and mother does not have a place there. Mother has to go through her case manager for assessment. I spoke with her case manager and mother does not qualify for what they applied for, and what she does qualify for, according to her case manager, would be a studio apartment, private pay in another location. The case manager says she is better off where she is as long as she can afford it. When I mentioned to the director of her ALF that mother had enough funds for at least 8 years, he said we could talk at 5 years, so they may be willing to make some kind of a deal then as she will be a long time resident by then and of quite an age. Apparently, my mother and my sister told the case manager to assess mother, so she could go into the one they chose!!! The case manager is not impressed. She said they didn't even ask, but told her what to do!
Case manager told me I was very patient and persistent, which I appreciated. We had a few laughs and she gave me the number of the mental health nurse (S), though she was not supposed to, so I could contact S directly. I will wait a few days to see if the S contacts the case manager before I try to contact her. I confirmed that I have EPA and PD so have the authority to decide where mother lives and what treatment she gets.
Now, I have to convey all this to my sister, and my mother, I guess, and need prayers for that. I am waiting to see if I hear from my sister or my niece. I know there are tales being told...
All this has accomplished is stirring up mother's paranoia, and, if possible, increasing bad feelings between mother, sis and me. It is sad.
Storm watch and blizzard conditions, so I am not venturing out far today if at all. May be better by tomorrow, The snow removal equipment has been busy which will help. Turkey soup simmering on the stove. G is pretty well stuck in the south in this weather. An important meeting (his company) up here has been postponed till 2014 due to the weather. Tomorrow I go to get the stitches out from the implants, so I will do a little shopping then.
Have a good day every one and anyone with ailments, I hope you are feeling better. (((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
Your sister really needs to eat some kind of protein.
There's meat, fish, poultry.....even a further cry, there's also tofu.
Whatever the case may be, well it's no wonder she's having such a hard time.
My neighbor does the very same thing. She does try to eat vegetables, but once she starts drinking all ideas about food is out of the box. She gets a buzz from the wine, and then falls asleep, so I know sometimes she's gone w/o food for terrible long stretches. Plus because of this overall behavior, I see the depression in her, she has no energy to cook. She starts to complain about that too, how she used to do it for her kids, and she's done with it blah di blah.
I think people who remain active preparing their own food have lot's to gain in terms of both physical and mental health. I'm a true believer of the "mind, body, and spirit connection."
The neighbor gave us a bunch of left over pasta, from a good quality restaurant that was left over from last night. I had some early this morning, since there's quite a bit of it. But I realize I can't eat too much of this because pasta is high on the glycemic scale. I'm not writing about this in terms of a weight issue either,
but I feel wired up, when I'm not vigilante getting some protein in me instead of high carbohydrates.
Does she by any chance have a blender. I have one of those "Bullet," machines.
I chop up mango, banana, then cilantro, parsley/or some other greens like Kale or Spinach. Some people add some protein powder. I don't know maybe you could suggest something like this to her. But, of course this is something she could have between some healthy small meals. This is not rocket science, it's all knowledge super available for anyone.
Where are her daughters in all of this. Yes, I know they're far away, but it sounds like it's time for them to participate, or be in the picture at some point.
Take care of your sciatica, I had a touch of that once, and it ain't fun.
I'm really sorry to hear
about her company cutting her hours.
I'll keep all of you in my thoughts!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Margeaux - your comment about my sister being paranoid made me think, and I think she must be or she couldn't go along with mother. The times I talked with her she seems to believe what mother was saying. Either she is paranoid or she is so engrossed with "pleasing" mother (to fulfull the hidden agenda) that she cannot see how it looks to everyone else. A psychiatrist who saw us all after the summer from hades said he was more concerned about my sister than my mother. I see my sis as having sociopathic tendencies and apparently sociopaths are paranoid and must have control. It seems to fit. So thank you for that.
I love the very dark chocolate too and that is what I keep in the house. I order sugar free and dairy free online due to my allergies.
You did have a tough day yesterday. I understand about the photograph - I think it is your right to decline. I am sure a good sleep helped both you and your hubby. I also understand your feelings about family etc. who did not reach out to the deceased. and also about feeling weird that she died on your birthday.
I don't think there is anyway you SHOULD feel about that. You feel weird at seeing your birthdate on the pamphlet and I think I would too - it is natural and probably made the whole thing more uncomfortable for you. ((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
Sorry about your sis losing more time, but as you say, you can understand it.
I have wondered about your sis's ability to continue dealing with your mother's finances in the condition she is in, and declining and not looking after herself. If she is not eating any protein her liver can get damaged. A vegan diet can work but you need to be sure you are eating the right things. Like margeaux said - It does sound like her daughters should be involved. Hope you get some relief from the sciatica.
margeaux - I agree about continuing to make your own food. I do that and need to thaw some moose meat and grind it into hamburger. We have an electric meat grinder so it isn't too hard. I am the same about carbs. I need to have protein with them. I am better with fruit and veg than with things like pasta and rice. Your neighbour is heading for worse health with her habits of drinking and not eating properly. But nothing you can do about it.
Maybe things will settle down for us all for a while. I hope so
I agree my sis should have protein but she fancies herself a vegetarian. I doubt if she even knows about the 9 essential amino acids or combing grains with legumes to get a complete protein. I told her we have customer who have us slice turkey, roast beef or ham in thick slices...1/2 thick. They use it for dinner and again it can be frozen and easily thawed for an evening meal with veggies. It is less processed than regular sandwich packaged meats but sure as heck healthier than frozen dinners.
So sorry your day was not so good, I hope you are feeling better today..Hugs to you!!
Sharyn
Yes, I finally slept deeply last night, after such a long day.
But I'm having some neck aches over here, I probably over did the cleaning yesterday, but oh well....it's clean now.
Oh.......our sisters!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
This neighbor, which I've written about w/all the Vanilla stories.......this is her problem, she doesn't pay much mind to asking permission, and courtesy?
Even now that Vanilla died, which was in Feb. She's started to ask my husband,
who can't seem to say, "No," to her, to watch her other cat when she leaves town.
He did this for her exactly 3 weeks ago. This one I basically let it go, but I don't like the fact he does this, w/Vanilla it was different. My husband had to give Vanilla over to her when he started traveling more. But my husband already had a relationship w/Vanilla, and maintained it until his death. But we have no emotional investment in the remaining cat.
She's operates on image too, a FB holic, if you ask me. My purpose to be at the service was to honor the deceased. End of story, not to grand stand, no less for that idiot. As I said, she's feeling guilty. She doesn't have it in her to show genuine compassion. She employs, "the grand gestures," e.g., buying the food, to mask her deficiencies. But I'm not fooled by this, for her it's about show and tell.
I'm glad I did this. It happened so quickly too, that I didn't give it much thought about the fall out it would cause, w/my husband. He too, lately when I speak up,
it's been causing some riff over here, as if I didn't have a right to my own opinions.
Thank you also for understanding about my DOB, question.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Four days ago I would not have thought the way I am thinking now, but after talking to people in Edmonton about my sister's visit and her interactions with them, my views have changed.
I wrote my kids and asked for their wisdom and now I am asking for yours. I think my sister is determined to move mother, She cannot move her to the place they chose, as I outlined above, as mother does not qualify, but there is a "sister" facility that mother could go to as private pay. My concern is that my sister will try to move her in there without my knowledge. I have alerted the ALF she is in now not to accept any termination of lease notice without my approval, so I will be informed if mother does give notice. But, especially after recent events, and the comment from her son that she is relentless, I am concerned that sis may try to move mother and hide where to from me. I can contact this other place and tell them my position, but, of course, there are other places that mother could be moved to. I am trying to think of ways to avert this and have considered asking mother's lawyer to inform my sister that she does not have the authority to move mother. It is better to nip this in the bud than try to chase it down when it is happening.
Any advice?
I have thought of asking this as a question to the larger group as there is much experience on this site. There really is no love to lose between my sister and myself so I am not concerned with that.
I told my sister that my decision was that mother stay where she is and my sister totally ignored it.
I would ask the larger community. It seems like "kidnapping" or "granny-napping" is a real complicated issue.
Yes, definitely contact the lawyer to instruct him to notify your sister that it is not her decision to move your mother. He should also tell her what possible repercussion there will be if she chooses to ignore the warning.
I am curious, I am assuming this lower cost facility that will not accept her is not licensed or staffed to meet your moms needs. Is the sister faculty, which must be able to meet her needs more expensive than where mom is now? One thing my sibs said is that moving mom from her home would be $160.00 a month less. But they too did not get a price for what would be necessary for mom. Plus, a savings of $160.00 would not be worth it because of the increased stress on mom, to say nothing about the complete disorientation that would result.
My car won't start again Hopefully G will be back soon and install a trickle charger, No more blizzard warning tonight which is good.
jinx - my mother does not have dementia according to the doctors, but she certainly has problems and I don't think the name matters. She needs help. I will ask the larger community tomorrow when I have slept on it. Thanks
Sharyn - sis has gone back home but will return sometime - probably within a month. Sis's son says she is relentless. I agree she will not settle for a peaceful solution, but nothing new about that. I am rather shocked at the picture I am getting from the people she talked to in E'ton. Basically it was the same way she talked to me - haughty, judgemental, controlling, critical...
I am curious why you say my own lawyer. Mother's lawyer is committed to do what is best for mother. That is her job, and she is an understanding, intelligent lady and I feel she needs to know what is going on. If she does not want to take any action, then I will consult someone else, I have found the names of 2 elder lawyers in E'ton (the only two). I want to wait and see what the assessment from the mental health nurse is and what action she takes, if any. If she feels mother needs to go into a psych ward then I think there is a basis for a restraining order. Otherwise, maybe a strong letter to respect the EPA and PD may be the best thing. Mother's case manager was ready, I think, to send mother to a psych ward, but I want to make sure that we are following the correct process. I told her that I would not encourage or discourage the mental heath nurse as regards placing mother in a psych ward, but trust her judgement as she has the training and experience. The director of the ALF was concerned that it would be too disruptive for mother. I feel the mental health nurse is the one to make the call.The case manager was in agreement. She was, as well, a bit hurt from the way my sister had treated her. This is not in mother's interests and I am sorry as she is a nice lady and mother is fortunate to have her.
Unfortunately, my sis has a lot of money and can come and go as she pleases. Her daughter and sil live in part of her house and look after it so she has freedom to travel. Thanks for the hugs, Your sis is looking better all the time isn't she? ;)
Prayers are appreciated. Nothing is too big for God.
She is not nearly as physically at risk as your sister, but not robust, even for her age. She grew up in a family where everyone knew the cost of each Christmas present, and woe to her who did not spend enough! Through a nasty divorce, sabotage from her parents, and the economy, she is on the shaky bottom edge of middle class. Her house is underwater. She is eligible for Medicare, but won't sign up because she has really crappy, really cheap insurance at work.
To see herself as a homeowner is vital to her. I think she is foolish to attach such a value to it, but I don't call it a fake image. I have learned that, when unemployed, I will do the "stupid" things that poor people do. Would I be willing to move myself into the category of "poor?" I used to say, "of course!" But now I'm not so sure. It is so shameful to be poor in this country.
I bet you are sad, frustrated and angry at your sister. It hurts to see a loved one do foolish, even deadly things. Just sayin', I kind of understand about the house.