The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

glad - I am in contact with mother' s lawyer, ( a "she")and, as I said, just waiting for the mental health assessment to determine what I feel is necessary. Thanks for mentioning repercussions - you are right.

It is not a matter of not being licensed or not having staff, but that mother is too healthy and does not need the services they offer. They are under the control of Alberta Health who decides who goes in there and who doesn't. It is designated for seniors with greater needs than mother has. There are levels of assistance and she doesn't fit any of them. Even at 101 mother only needs meals prepared and help with bathing and truthfully I think she could make her meals if she wanted to but she feels she should be waited on. The sister facility has the same levels of care but also a private pay care "lodge" arrangement for people who do not need much care, but can transition to higher levels of care as they need them. Gary's parents are in such a facility. Both are cheaper than the one mother has now, Now she is in a rather upscale downtown ALF - which is why she chose it originally. . This other one is on a couple of busy streets, in a not particularly attractive area. Mother would have a studio apartment which would be cheaper than the two bedroom one she has presently. I would agree to moving mother to a one bedroom apartment in her present ALF to save money. She does not need two bedrooms. Even my sister will not stay with her any more! But mother's paranoia is causing her to want to flee -and that will happen again where ever she is.

Sharyn - not much you can do - Your sis is on a self destructive path and that is very upsetting to see. ((((((((((hugs)))))))))) I agree she is in denial. She cannot even do the job she has. Oh dear that is very sad!

love and hugs to everyone - wish life was not so complicated and hurtful. This group/site is a Godsend

Sharyn -re the pain - prayers...

Joan- what meant by your own attorney is based on my experience with my mothers attorney who was no help until mom was diagnosed incapacitated. As long as your mothers attorney is willing to work with then have her do Wyatt needs to be done. Thank you for the prayers! Love and hugs!

Jinx-thank youfor responding..I will talk more with you tomorrow.. too much pain with sciatic nerve. Hugs to you!

Joan, I agree, go to the bigger community. You will get some varied answers. I think your sister will do what you suspect she will do. As for your mom, if she does the disappearing act, as POA, you might be able to obtain her new address from the bank? Not sure how that works - if it does. Best to nip it at the bud rather than doing hiding-go-seek with you seeking where mother is hiding.

Sharyn.. my bro-of-next-door is very proud that he has a house, a 2 story duplex, and a large land. But it's not enough. He's now looking at this house/land. It's all about status. Having a home means you made it big - compared to renting. You tried to talk to her about her health. Now it's up to her. I hope you're feeling better tomorrow. Or atleast the pain goes down a bit. {{HUGS}}

Hi DiNY!

Word for the day:
Once we know our weaknesses, they cease to do us any harm.
(georg christoph lichtenberg)

ok Sharyn I get it, Mother's attorney has been great,

book - mother will not disappear - it is sis who will move her. I want to prevent sis doing that and interfering with her life as mother is much worse since sis has visited. If it was simply a matter of "finding" mother after a move I think I could do that, but it is more than that. Sis is inflaming mother's paranoia and attacking/negativel impressing the people who care for mother.

thx for the "word"

Emjo-
It is 8 Fahrenheit here now, with a forecast low today of -7. BRRR. This is supposed to continue at least until Sunday in Colorado. Not much snow this morning, only about an inch. When it gets this cold here we usually do not see much snow because the climate is so dry. But they had forecast up to about 8 inches this morning, the forecasters around here usually blow that too.

glad - That's cold enough. We are at minus 4 right now. In the coldest months it will go down to minus 20, 30 or even 40 sometimes. I really need to get away those months. (Jan Feb are the worst). The other factor is that the winters are so long. It used to be very dry here, but the weather is changing. Forecasters anywhere are not great. To gross you out this morning, I will be grinding up some moose for mooseburger. I have lots of roasts but ground meat is more versatile! Moose chili is great! lol

Emjo,

I did get that feeling regarding your sister and the paranoia. Given the fact that she doesn't live close nor participates, it's highly questionable the so called decisions she's trying to make, and the way she is going about it. I realize for you that having to deal w/this is like walking a tight rope. But good that you're able to separate the fact from fiction, which I think there's plenty going on here.

I not being the one as involved as my sister, am vigilant as to how I approach any questions concerning mother's care because first and foremost of all no matter how difficult my sister's style of control is.....she does get the job done. When I visited the other day, the caregiver told me that a couple weeks ago mom seemed to be having some serious stomach problems. According to her, she was vomiting and just wasn't keeping any thing in her system. She doesn't have a gallbladder anymore. So definitely the eating plan, has changed. It was evening time. The caregiver prepared a simple salad for her. Then she served her a bowl of cut up watermelon. I mentioned to the caregiver that possibly the watermelon was too much as far as the amount was concerned, and that melon should really be eaten earlier in the day, and really on it's own. My sister was in the garage, and apparently heard my comment to the CG, and said, "She only eats a little bit." So, I'm aware that any thing I question is always met with defensiveness and resistance. I didn't think she heard what I said to the CG. Just goes to show me how much radar she has.

Is your mom's attorney aware that your sister is doing all of this? If she is not appointed in any legal way, I would think that she just can't do this. You appear to have pretty good communication with the ALF staff your mom currently resides in. So that's good.
I remember when my sister was having so many issues with the battle ax.
My sister had POA at this time of her legal matters. Then since they fought so bitterly, my aunt asked our youngest brother to accompany her to her attorney's office. She revoked my sister's POA, put this brother as POA. So now, the next time my sister tried calling the attorney to unscramble some mess left over from "golden boy's," era......battle axe's attorney wouldn't even talk to my sister.
In any case, this is why I would think that at least your mom's attorney could have some say about who the actual person to make legal decisions is, that being you.
You're getting the bases covered.

Yes, cooking for many people I come to find, they look at it as a hassle.
My neighbor is one of those. She'll bring up all the negative aspects of it,
like how she's done it already in the past. She doesn't like the clean up, because she's only one person. But she talks w/this negative tone about many things.
Many things she prepares, are heated in the microwave.

Thanx for the take on the photo and dob, issue.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Show me one family who doesn't have some dysfunction.

Jinx~I am concerned for my sister's health. She will have to get the perfect second part time job where she can sit the entire time she is at work. She refuses to consider retirement disability which I think she may have to do but she would still probably have to sell her house. I understand the value of having a house too. If she sold her house here in California, she could buy a smaller home in Kentucky paying cash for it and be near her daughters so they can help with her health concerns. We shall see what happens with her.

My mother has Alzheimer's , her husband has dementia from a head injury and stroke. They both can become agitated and aggressive. His family was in denial about their deficits and believed whatever the two of them said was the truth. Therefore, I was the bad guy. They had no interest in caring for our parents, I asked them to let me be the bad guy to our parents, as I felt this would help them having a sounding board. However, they thought I did whatever the parents said, and we're constantly yelling and arguing with me and saying, "that's not what they said". It even got so bad that mother and step dad drove to Florida, they left in the middle of a snow storm, the step siblings knew they had gone, where they were staying and had their phone number, but would not let me know where they were. I called the sheriff, explained the situation, gave him information on them and they were able to locate them and I was able to talk to my mom. This was five years ago. Mother and I rarely talked after, as he controlled her calls. Last May, mother broke her arm in two places and required surgery. At this time the hospital was able to locate me as they didn't feel either of them were competent to sign the surgery release. The doctor and hospital informed me that they had gotten lost several times that week trying to get to appointments and had missed her admission time for surgery twice. Then he got lost two more times coming to the hospital......at this point his son had to realize that he had deficits. Then we put them together in rehab, where they constantly tried to escape. During this time I hired an attorney to get guardianship over my mother.
After rehab, we tried putting a caregiver in their home, it lasted less than a week. They attacked the caregiver and chased her out of the house. The police were called, I took my mother home with me. Her husband was left in the home in the care of his son. It took all summer to get guardianship. During this time, he was left alone in their home, he lost 30 pounds. Mother was with me, she was a handful, very busy, and of course not realizing that she had any deficits. In her mind she still exercises and golfs daily.
They were reunited at an Assisted Living Memory Care Unit last August. They were a force to be dealt with. I would go in and clean their apartment
and shower mother, then occupy mother while they showered her husband.
In July, mother lost the ability to walk. She had refused all medication since entering the facility(her husband gave her her "vitamins") and she had been given depakote and seraquel, which are not recommended for use with dementia patients, but are often given.(I trusted the nurse practitioner and did not do my
research). Mother has been living with me since her hospitalization. She has a new neurologist and after being on the Exelon patch, is walking again, but needs more care than they can provide at assisted living. I tried her in a Family Home, where she and her husband could be together, that was supposedly experienced in caring for dementia patients, but they had absolutely no idea what to do when she became anxious or agitated....they chose to confront.....big mistake.....needless to say, this didn't work so she is back with me and the steps don't want to try to get them together. We are also fighting over the "splitting of the money". They feel that they should be able to keep all of the money. Hopefully the court will agree in an equitable distribution of funds. Court is on Friday.
My siblings and mother's family want nothing to do with caring for mom. They will not even help so that I can be away from mom. I do have one NA that mother does well with, but she is not always available.
Being her caregiver is so frustrating. There is little to no family support, other than a text or FB message, saying we are in their prayers. Prayers are wonderful and very much needed, but they are not a substitute for actual support. I need to be able to TALK about what is going on and to have the family step up and help when I need it. And to come over and visit. I know taking care of her is challenging, but I am not asking for them to do more than a few hours so that I may also be with my children.
The selfishness of the steps to deny our parents being together and for thinking they have a right to keep all of the money....this is so unfair.

Kitkat, all too familiar. Though I care for both in my moms house of 50 years, I have siblings that don't recognize or acknowledge that our mom has Alzheimer's. Siblings even paid a deposit for them in a facility without talking to moms hubby about it and he is competent! They seem to think that mom will be happy as long as she is with him. They forget to consider whether he would be able to do that, or if he would even want to. Siblings not providing the care have absolutely no idea of needs or what an appropriate living situation would be. My mom is a handful, but she is happy and comfortable in her home.

Margeaux – I don’t know about a tight rope anymore. If I sacrifice my relationship with sis and even with mother, exercising my responsibilities, so be it. Really nothing lost, and I have been alienated from them before, They think nothing about behaving atrociously to people and then expecting all to be forgotten when it suits them. It is not worth it for me. It seems that legal power will be necessary and sis may well fight that tooth and nail. I don’t think she has a leg to stand on, but that may not stop her trying. Sorry to hear that your mother’s stomach is not good. It may just be old age –but that can require a change in her eating habits. Mother has a touchy stomach and finds rice and fish work best for her. But I hear that your suggestions are not welcomed. I have written mother’s attorney and will again soon. I think a strong letter from her is the only thing that has a chance to stop my sis. Yes, I am in good relationship with the ALF staff and mother’s case manager and we have one another’s support. I think this is very important re mother’s care. Had my sis been pleasant and cooperative with them and the only issue was whether or not to move mother, I think I could have agreed to it. But seeing how antagonistic sis is and how she had inflamed mother’s paranoia, I can’t go along with it.

Hi jennifers -welcome. I suspect every family has some dysfunction. Most if not all of us on this thread are dealing with some pretty severe dysfunctions as narcissism, personality disorders, abusive behaviours, denial that have existed in the family from the get go. This makes caregiving an elder more difficult. Feel free to share more about your situation when you are ready.

Sharyn, I hope the sciatica is subsiding. I know it is very painful. It is very sad about your sister. Do you know if her daughters are aware of the condition she is in? There comes a time to give up house ownership –depending on age and/or health. Sounds to me like your sis is not good at dealing with many things, and has unrealistic expectations of herself and others.

Kitkat - what a nightmare!!! We see many in denial, and it complicates things so much. I am glad after all that time you have guardianship. It is wonderful that they were reunited, too bad it didn’t work out. It is sad that you cannot trust some professionals. You have had really bad experiences there. I hate that the courts have to be involved but sometimes it is necessary. I am sorry that no family will help you. Prayers are not a substitute for IRL assistance. Yes it all is very unfair. You can certainly come here and “talk” by writing -venting and looking for input. I and others find it helps a lot. Women tend to need to talk about things to figure them out. I know I am that way. I do hope that the division of money is fair. And you do need to spend some time with your children, Are there any programs that provide some respite. You must have some breaks whether your mother likes it or not.

Glad -your insights are valuable.

My epiphany

It is related to dysf fams and to caregiving. All my life I have been put in the “servant girl”, put in the Cinderella role. My mother and sister have taken holidays when they felt like it, but especially since mother came out here, they look at me with disapproval when I go on holiday or travel with G. In their mind I should be available to mother at all times and put her first in my life. So I have felt a little guilty about taking holidays though it has not stopped me. NO MORE!!!! What I already knew, but hadn’t accepted totally on an emotional level, finally it sunk in. I am free to make my own plans and look after myself. I will put a decent effort – at least – into seeing that mother’s needs are met, but I will not let her or sis’s criticisms and put-downs affect me anymore. This has also extended to my life with G. He is a very independent male and makes his own plans to care for the horses etc. I need a break from the cold weather, G spends his spare time hauling hay and horses and whatever else is involved in their care. We do take holidays, but I need a longer time away, and I can’t wait for him. He will likely be doing this fore a while yet. So I am thinking about what I can do to spend more time somewhere south and with more social contact, which I feel I need. If I could find someone who needed a house sat for a month in the winter, for example, in a warmer place, I would jump at it and do it for free! So my mind is more open now for this kind of thing. One of my dreams for several years has been to visit the states and the growing number of people I am getting to know on the internet. I have corresponded with some of them for over 10 years and they are dear friends. I am quite happy in an inexpensive hotel/motel and could do a combination of flight and bussing to get places. It is on my “bucket list”. Anywhere is warmer than here. I wonder if there is a house sitting site online. My nephew (sis’s son) in the UK has very warmly invited me to stay there and recommends May or early June. I want to do that too. My retirement plans have worked out so I am better off that I thought I would be and I think my pensions are pretty secure. This is not necessarily so for younger people due to the baby boom and possible cut backs.

Gut quite upset today. I suspect stress as I have not changed my diet and was doing quite well. This too will pass, but I don’t feel up to much. However, this morning I ground several lbs. of moose meat. The electric grinder makes it very easy. When I next shop I may compare the price of cheap beef to hamburger and see if it is worth grinding my own hamburger. It certainly would be fresher and safer. According to the internet it can be cheaper depending on the cuts you use and if you buy on sale, which I always do when possible.

I think I have to take a break from all this for a short while and think about happy things – maybe look for a house sitting site on line. 

Have a good day all (((((((hugs)))))))

Joan~Taking a break is a good idea. I understand what you say about not waiting for G, I have to do a lot on my own (which is ok with me) because my husband is basically a couch potato, friends are more into socializing by going out dancing at clubs...not my scene.

My sister's daughters are not aware of what is going on with her job or how her health is. I will not tell at this time because I feel my sister should be the one to it. Sis is determined to get a second part time job and her current employer will allow her to work the 20 hours however she wants. I hope and pray she work it out. I am going to keep a check on things because...my sis has access to mom's money and desperate times call for desperate actions. I know that sounds horrible for me to say it, but survival can cause us to do things we would not otherwise do. Sis thinks she can get food stamps but I know other older adults who tried that and were turned down because their income was considered enough for one person even though the person could not make it on their own. It is very sad to see her scrambling. In the past when she got in these situations, mom and dad always helped her. Her insurance will run out soon, I hope she can get medicare but i don't know how that works for people under 65.

I am having pain on and off today. My daughter pinned some stretches for sciatic nerve which I have been doing when it gets too much. The problem with laying on the floor to stretch is then Midget comes running over starts licking my neck and ears,LOL!! Laughter is good medicine!!

Take care Joan, enjoy some positive, fun experiences!!
Hugs and love,
Sharyn

G is the opposite of a couch potato, but the end result is similar. I need a lot of alone time, but I do need some socialization. Part of my problem is the car won't start and G was supposed fix it, but right now I suspect he will not be home till next week which is frustrating. My health has not been reliable enough to take on a part time job or volunteer work which I used to enjoy. What little spare energy and more is taken up by mother. and that is hardly recreational. In fact, I need stress relief from it more than I would need otherwise. A larger city would offer me more, This is a very young city. in terms of population. These are problems faced by other seniors I know, and by caregivers stuck in the house with their charges, It isn't easy.

I think you are wise to keep an eye on your mum's money, especially since your mum and dad always helped her. I think it is realistic, not horrible, but very sad. Yes, it is her job to notify her kids, unless the situation is dire and it is not that.

Glad that the stretching helps. I know about dogs when u lie on the floor. I used to exercise on the floor and Matt would, be all over me kissing me. He thought it was play time. lol

Gotta figure out something else recreational. I called the mental health worker and left a message. Tomorrow I go to the dentist and get my stitches out. There was a mess up with my appointment today. Neither of these are much fun, really, lol but the latter will get me out of the house.

I did spend a happy few hours online looking at house sitting. There are some reputable sites and some nice opportunities. A month somewhere, with better weather, pet and housesitting looks reasonably good. Of course, I need to discuss it with G - when I see him. There are people who want their houses and pets sat over Christmas and since G sees his kids then, that is a possibility too in fact I found one in E'ton. So there are some options.

Praying that the sciatica heals up. Mother had it once. She was given a heavy painkiller - Neurontin - which did not suit her well. She is not one for pain meds I believe that you can take acetaminophen with ibuprofen. I did when I had a dry socket. it was 10 days of severe pain and I lived from one dose to the next but it got me through. The only time in my life I have done that ((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

Emjo, Homesitters is a UK agency that offers exactly the sort of thing you're talking about. They vet you, then the idea is that you stay in people's houses, feed the dog, pat the goldfish, set the burglar alarm and what have you, while they're away. As far as I know they're a very reputable agency. I don't know what the US equivalent is, but there's sure to be one. A friend of my mother's did this for a long while (to get away from her tear-jerkingly dull husband, I always suspected) until quite recently - I'm sure she must have been well over 80 when she gave it up. Sounds like a plan! Hope it goes well. Feel better. xxx

PS Not much further forward with that reply, btw. Thought I'd toned it down but then realised that vicarious contempt wasn't actually a big improvement on vicarious anger. Every day in every way...

cm - thanks! That is the kind of information I need, I will look at that site. I saw one job housesitting in the Seychelles - looked good - and other choice places like the south of France. There were some in London too and other places in the UK. Lots in Australia which has never attracted me, but new Zealand might be nice, and, of course some in the US and Canada. I am not confined to the US and Canada by any means. How about Italy or Greece? I would have to brush up my Italian. I spent a wonderful summer in Italy and ended up speaking and understanding acceptably/usefully, probably because I studied Latin in school and loved it, so Italian came easily. But that was years ago. I could speak French many years ago too - grew up in French Canada till teen age, then the UK . Guess I could take some language courses on line. Good for the brain anyway. G likes Mexico so Spanish would be an asset. The romance languages are very similar. Now I am on roll - must be the caffeine!!! lol

hey - vicarious contempt, vicarious anger - go for it. Why not. Write it out, get it out, whatever. I have been though all of that. I have not always been as philosophical about it as I am now. Remember, I have a few years on you and the privilege of staying away from my sib. It makes a big difference. I have trouble having any compassion for her, but I do have a little for my mother. She is in a pitiful state at times, but other times aggressive and nasty. They both are sick, and that is one thing that helps me beat it.

Got a parcel from the shopping channel - no I am not an addict - but we have few lady's shops here and I know what I can order that will fit. In doing the fall wardrobe switch I weed out the pilled, out of shape sweaters and t's, the items that I am not wearing any more and so on and usually find s few replacements on the colours and styles I know I will wear - and only those on sale! I have made a few mistakes but not many, and those go to the Thrift shop!

Stomach feels a little like lead, but whatever. If I can grind moose meat I can't be too bad. Just finished making a large pasta dish for freezing. I swear I will cook till I drop.

thanks again cm - off to Homesitters!

Oh my goodness, in my wandering on the internet I came across this article and it describes the interaction between myself, my mother and my sister. My sister is the sociopath, and I am the empath. It is what is happening now. In fact my mother and sister may exchange roles, though my sister has no conscience as far as I can see.

Some of you may recognise this type of interaction in your families too.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SOCIOPATH-EMPATH-APATH TRIAD

The usual set-up goes like this: the empath is forced to make a stand on seeing the sociopath say or do something underhand. The empath challenges the sociopath, who straight away throws others off the scent and shifts the blame on to the empath. The empath becomes an object of abuse when the apath corroborates the sociopath's perspective.

The situation usually ends badly for the empath and sometimes also for the apath, if their conscience returns to haunt them or they later become an object of abuse themselves. But, frustratingly, the sociopath often goes scot free.

Sociopaths rarely vary this tried-and-tested formula because it virtually guarantees them success.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wow, what an accurate description.

Ournormal temps this time of yearare lows at 38-42. Tonight we are having a hard freeze expected low at 26. This is cold for us. Parts of the valley may receive snow in the next couple days. This is our Artic freeze Lol!

Oh suffer!!!! lol - here right now minus 15 F feels like minus 29 F with wind chill. Supposed to go up to 0 F by Sunday - balmy!!!

Think I'll look for a house sit in CA...

LOL!!! Too funny Joan! Our winters are mild but humid.

I LOVE humidity! Grew up where the summers were 95 F high and 95% humidity. You washed your hair and couldn't get it dry

Joan-a lovely quaint city is San Clemente, Ca. Though it is a touristy town, it is quiet. Temps are pretty constant all year round with sun. It is right on the coast with morning fog that lifts to blue sunny skies by 10-11am.

Joan-our summers are drier about 30%. Winters are usually 70% with a high fog that wont lift for days or couple weeks.

Lower humidity makes the heat more bearable. San Clemente sounds good.

I had to laugh this morning. Some one on fb posted a sign saying "The light at the end of the tunnel is a train" My response was "No kidding" and "I have a train coming at me right now. Just call me trainwrecker..." I must have some I Irish in me as it is up! I know you have some Irish in you!

Well, Joan-
You got me beat on the temp. It is -1 here this morning but no decrease because of chill factor. And leave the moose meat along for today, thank you. :)

glad - lol - I suspect we will have you beat temp wise until spring which is about 4 days in April or May. I bought a balaclava a few weeks ago and my pride/vanity is going down the tube. I am going to wear it and keep my eyes open for one that is a little less drastic, and will not make the bank staff think I am a thief.

Wouldn't that be hilarious! Newspaper headline - 76 yr old granny in balaclava caught attempting to rob bank!