
Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
Now, as a rule I keep my beaky nose out of my mother's private things, especially her jewellery; but obviously she couldn't get the boxes down from the cupboard herself so no option. Stone me! - there are cases and boxes and vanity cases and goodness knows what else - but we get it all down, I lug it and her back to her armchair, set her up so she can reach everything and leave her to enjoy looking over some old memories while I dispose of the long-expired horde of codeine, spironolactone and tramadol that I unearthed during the search…
Anyway. One hour later… She can't remember where anything came from, who gave it to her or what's important. She's got nowhere.
There was a little box with "To my Valentine, 1984" in my father's handwriting on it and a foil rose brooch inside (who knew he was such an old softie, eh?). There were my father's campaign medals. There were my grandfather's WW1 campaign medals. There was my grandmother's wedding ring. Ringing any bells? "Oh yes I know what THOSE are, don't be silly…" Anyway, so that was all a bit depressing.
Because I was thinking, earlier, that one of the smartest moves my aunt ever made was to give away her bequests before she died (she's still with us) - she was a bit sceptical about her letter of wishes being followed all that carefully, and thought she'd do a better distribution job than any executor could. Even better, she was still around to enjoy our gratitude. But it looks like I've missed the boat persuading my mother to follow her example.
The other thing that is still bugging me 20 years after the event - yes I know it shouldn't but it does - is my sister-in-law's puzzling possession of my late grandmother's sapphire eternity ring. It is a substantial piece of kit. I mean, we were all of us given keepsakes, this isn't that kind of beef - but who decided what went where? I'm pretty sure it wasn't my grandmother.
So I'm just looking ahead, and thinking that my family is composed entirely of people who can start a fight in an empty room, and wondering how I can get this in hand ahead of time so that nobody has any excuse for bitching, arguing, feeling hard done by or making snide remarks. Nothing's very valuable, no risk of troubling the tax authorities I shouldn't have thought, but when did that ever stop two dogs with a bone? Any ideas, please?
It's anybody's guess who is actually going to respond to the question even if you ask it of other married people, here. But I just felt it be nice to be included in the question since it is my issue.
I try to resolve this kind of problem in my marriage, by not inflaming an issue.
My husband's behavior here is immature, I prefer to take another approach to the situation. One doesn't have to be in a marriage, either to be confronted with a person imposing their will on us, without consulting us for our opinions.
Thank you for the well wishes, and have a great weekend also.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
In my case, this wouldn't work for me, "doing exactly what he's done to me."
My husband has too much fire, I'm air. So in my case, not a good idea. I think it depends on what it is they are doing to you and specific personality types. Some minor things, o.k., but this could turn for me into WWIII. Sometimes, my husband argues a point, just for argument's sake.
A long time ago.......I got into a competitive argument with him. He ended up saying that we were having a "pi**" contest. So I don't want to go there, because I have other ways of getting around some of this. It may take longer but. I try my best at times to overlook some things, but I realize I do have to have my boundaries very in place when it comes to my communication with the husband.
This I guess is my dysfunction with him.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
HAAH! I like this what you've written "divorce not being an option"
Yes, this wouldn't take me to divorce court either.
No he doesn't understand because if he did he would not do this.
At least this is my take on it. I'm aware that men do think very differently compared to women. You hear this quite often.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Sometimes people bring up different topics, but rest assured they all have to do with dysfunction. This is the reason I like this thread, I think we are pretty flexible here.
Much Love & LIght! Margeaux
Blessings and bugs to you!
Sharyn
book, margeaux and Sharyn - I know some people who have to have it done to them to get it. For example, I had to do that to my oldest son once when he was a kid. For others that doesn't work. We are all different.
cm - some one here, a while ago, had a great suggestion about itemizing stuff and, I think, sending a list around for people to put their names against items - or something like that - sorry to be so vague, and, no, I haven't been in the sherry. Anyway itemizing seems sensible, if it is worth it. Is your mum ready to let this stuff go??? Maybe send a generic email and ask who wants anything and what type of thing. Makes you wonder about the sapphire ring. Strange things happen when people die. Some get quite greedy about stuff. I have seen it more than once.
In my case, the problem is that nobody wants anything or not much. I have ended up sending the family silver to England. It is well travelled. Some came over from Norway in the early 1900s; The tea service was from Scotland. I got most of it by default my sis didn't want it, my kids don't want it, my sis's son and wife wanted it. So, I have been sending parcels overseas. Makes me sad, my Gordie would have valued and wanted some...
I am just sooo excited. I told G that if he wanted to stay and haul hay and horses, I understood, and that was fine with me, but that I was getting isolated and needed to and intended to go somewhere warm and where I get a break from the mamadrama, and socialize. He agreed. Then I modelled some of my "cruise wear" lol A few hours later he said he thought he would like to go on a cruise and started researching deals on line. Woo Hoo! Keep your fingers crossed. Of course, I would much rather go with him!!! I think - I hope - I think - I hope...
Trickle charger is installed, battery is charged, I might venture out tomorrow, Today was just too cold. Faucet in kitchen sink adjusted - it has been swinging around like a drunken Irishman in a high wind... I cooked a couple of hearty meals as the man did good,
Toonie is so sweet. G and I were sitting on the sofa together and Toonie lay on the back of the sofa with one paw reaching out touching Gary. He misses G when he is away. Then he reached over to touch me., then back to G. Cats have lots of feelings.
Time to pack it in for the night soon. hugs to all
I hadn't pictured G as a cruise type - cool! Any location preferences expressed yet? Can you smuggle Toonie in as Acting Ship's Cat?
I tell myself and sincerely acknowledge that astrology is bunk. So could somebody please tell me what it is with Aquarian males and their sense of humour? All my life it's been a cross to bear…
Margeaux, I'm sorry - I didn't mean to imply I thought we'd got off topic before! I was distracted by why I couldn't just sort out my problem in the normal way - i.e. simple communication - without having to worry about people's agendas, and not concentrating properly on how I put it. Apologies.
Keep warm, stay cool everyone xxx
margeaux and cm - I think you both have mentioned ginger and/or mint as something settling to the stomach. I started drinking ginger tea with ginger grated into it, and also, believe it or not, a chocolate mint tea which I really like and my stomach etc is feeling better. I actually ate two decent meals with G yesterday and no ill effects so far. I have been living off soups for a while due to both the implants and digestive issues and when I am on my own I am less motivated to cook a meal, though I am careful to have decent nutrition. You are what you eat!
Sharyn, I had a cortisone shot in my right shoulder once. I didn't find it that bad, but I have heard from others who had shots in the hip/knee areas it was bad. But, it will do the trick I think.
glad - hope it is warming up for you. Bad wind chill here again. Even if the house temp looks good on the thermostat, it still feels cold. so I jacked it up again, we put on a fire and I wrapped myself in a shawl all day.
thinking of all of you - hope all is well - check in with us ((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
maybe you should slow down on the moose soup. :-O.
(Whisper) - is G doing this just to please you??? I am SO impressed. See if you can find a boat that offers clay pigeon shooting or fishing or something to reciprocate?
I agree with you about how difficult it is to find good homes for things. Actually it makes me quite cross, especially with furniture. You can't give decent furniture away at auctions etc., and meanwhile people are off to Ikea to spend twice as much on purest tat. I see a beautiful inlaid bureau being knocked down for pennies and I just want to weep - but, nowhere to put it. Oh, world..!
I think there is a Mrs. Moose somewhere, wondering if Mr. Moose has wandered off again and doesn't know how or if to tell the baby mooses.
Joan~A cruise in sunny Mexico sounds wonderful!!
cm - strangely, I find that sodas help - not sugary and preferably sweetened with stevia. I may try straight fizzy water, but not right down.
Yes G is being a sweetie, but, remember, it hasn't happened yet. He may also be motivated to stop me from going on my own. I don't think he is comfortable with me going too far on my own and I haven’t much so far. When I point out I really need something, he usually responds positively. :) He has a good sense of fairness. My nephew (sis’s estranged son) has invited me over several times. They are in Norfolk. I like spring in the UK so I am looking at May – hopefully 2014.
I am with you on the furniture. I have the family old carved dark oak and when I am done with it I don’t think anyone wants it –maybe one of the grandkids or G’s kids/g’kids
Sharyn – no reindeer, though caribou is about the best meat I have ever tasted –sort of like wild veal. Sunny anywhere would suit me.
On the famdram front, I have accepted that if the ALF does not get mother assessed incompetent in time and sis moves mother, we just have to start all over again. If the ALF does get mother assessed incompetent, you can be sure I am in for some trouble, as the paranoia will be overboard. Even in a new place that will probably happen fairly soon. I would hate to see a move bring about a quicker decline in mother’s memory/mental abilities and an increase in paranoia, but the up side is that sis may back off then – not great alternatives.
As a semi-atheist, it bothers me that the radio plays "I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus" but NEVER "Silent Night!" I don't want to start believing that nonsense about the war on Christmas, but why can't they play one carol for every 5 or 10 novelty songs? They are so beautiful! I bet it has something to do with money.
Love Grandma got run over by a reindeer....
would like to hear more of the carols too. The last couple of years it has been hard to find a show with them on. You are prob. right about the money.
Can't keep my eyes open today - must be recovering from all the stress.
I used to take my dog Cindy to Richmond Park, where this happened. I feel for the man.
There's a story from Charles II's life about a preacher at St Paul's Cathedral thundering from the pulpit: "My Lord Duke, rouse yourself! You snore so loud you will wake the King…"
I should think the people who left thought it was either that or start throwing things. And you were cold too? Intolerable. Better hope they don't ask him back!