The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Well I got a chance to read back this morning, feeling better....I didn't do anything yesterday head hurt so bad. just rested and hung out with mom My head was also spinning with all this info I couldn't nap.
Well at least I am better this morning got a chance to read up on the last few days...catch up on you all! Thank you emjo book jinx sharyn everyone for the comments and thoughts...Book- I agree that is pretty crappy of your therapist no matter who is paying. It would be discouraging for me to want to continue with her, I would look for another for any future since your on your own financially anyway you don't have to stay.
I agree the crying problem is part of depression. I feel they are all almost the same or closely intertwined...depression/CGburnout/PTSD. One big emotional mess.
I will be going to get whatever the state will offer when I get on the healthplan starting the first of the year. I had previously not qualified for but I recently got a letter that I can qualify with a new program they have. I did have one group way back before things were this bad and learn some good stuff on mindfulness and some of the stuff you talk of Book. Good that you are exploring on your own....

I think with respect to taking the pills I am a hypocrite too...I pump mom full of meds but I don't wanna take anything. Well I forced myself in the last 6 months to at least start taking some vitamins since the arthritis and seeing moms osteoporosis etc... I take a woman one a day, super b complex, d3, calcium, and glucosamine. I was hoping they would help and maybe they have.
But I think in general I just am not accepting of the fact that I may need to be on a pill just to be normal that I have depression battles. I think it is a pride issue to accept that I am not ok and may have to take them for the long term. I do know in the past they have helped and when I am not on them I am down I have been off n on for 20 ys. it started with the news medical issues depressing me then my divorce, non of them was as bad as it is now with the family situation and dealing with eminent death everyday and the other downsides to being a homebound 24/7 caregiver. I do recall describing one incident when I felt the pills start to work as my perspective went from Black n White to Color. No particular highs just like a few sed maybe a bit jittery etc.....So I am sure I need them and hope I will get them with my new insurance and just through them into my routine of vitamins and stick with it as prescribed, they aren't going to do me good if I forget to take em half the time as in past, but now with our entire pill routine here I think I will get it done.

Emjo....A cruise sounds like a blast, how nice of G! Thinking about your holiday dilemma with the famdram...maybe that is a good idea to ignore the emails and voicemails till you want to or just delete them.

AND EVERYONE hang in there and stay strong I so enjoy when i do get a moment to read thru all of your sharings! I can take something away from almost every post...it is such a wonderful thing you all do by just being here!

Well I gotta get going catch up on a few things today. get ready for a crazy week trying to figure this out.
Peace,
Juju

Envisionnow,

This is wonderful, that you do these walks. This is what I do.
Exercise releases endorphins, plus it gets the circulation going. All of this I would think is great for our mental dispositions.

I at times, possibly have had depression as a deterrent to getting myself out the door to do it. This happens to me, when I've gone for over a week, or two not walking. Do you live in an area where others walk, or even walk their dogs?
If the answer to my question, is yes....maybe you can take your walk while there's more activity in the neighborhood. Sharynmarie's suggestion of the visualization is great! You could suggest to yourself, something such as, "Even though I have some fear, discomfort....(words are your choice), I still love myself."
Repeat some kind of phrase to yourself like this, and then take the walk, and it can just be in your immediate vicinity.

What I've just posted, is part of the EFT technique, by Gary Craig.
You can search this, and it's a method of which, a phrase is repeated, and designated points, (meridians) taken from TCM, are tapped. This thereby unblocks the channels in the body. Anyway, if you want to look this up, you can and it can be used for a variety of issues, that basically have us blocked.

In any case, this is good that you do realize the connection between doing the physical exercise, and how good it makes you feel.

The other day, I guess I had a moment of anxiety, when I went for my walk.
Other things can cause this too. In my case, yes it was I'd not been consistent.
So, I wasn't motivated enough. I like to walk to breathe some fresh air. Well,
very recently, in our neighborhood, there's tons of construction, which requires some major streets being blocked. This is causing traffic havoc, everywhere.
Then everyone's stressing shopping. Needless to say, I went out at the wrong time, traffic hour. So there wasn't the fresh air. My walk that day, exercise part .....o.k., but the other part was stressy. So I've made a conscious decision, that my walks will have to be at an earlier hour. Also, I will avoid the major construction areas.

But it's great that you are taking that walk!
Keep trying to do this, you will conquer your hesitation.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Margeaux, our post cross...prayers to the sis BF, that sounds really uncomfortable!

Envisionnow re getting out and walking I tend to do it when i am not thinking about it, spur of the moment decision. I'll just be standing by the door, see the leash, grab it and take off....if any thought goes into it, i can talk myself out of it with a million reasons. don't do it often and when i do it is a wonderful release.

(((((((envision)))))) Are you on antidepressants? I have been on a higher dose in years gone by and they helped enormously. Sharyn's idea about baby steps is good. Even to the sidewalk and back to begin with if that is all you can do. I think if you persist you will succeed. I think talking/posting here about your anxiety will help, and also writing/journaling about it when it occurs or just afterwards. I find if I write when I am upset, getting it out helps, then I can go back and read later and see what progress I have made. If you look on the internet you will find tips for relieving anxiety. Research has shown that writing eases anxiety and stress. Another thing that helps is looking for things to be thankful for - even if it is only the sky above or the grass beneath. In the old days they called it counting your blessings. It sounds hokey but it really does help. Sometimes I just have to let go and let God - like with mother. I think it through, do what I can, and then try to let it go and do something good for me - even if it is just a cup of coffee and a square of dark chocolate. ((((((((hugs)))))) to you. Do share more with us - it helps. I don't have a fear of going out but I do have a fear of heights - acrophobia - and always have. Writers can get all metaphysical about it, but for me it is very concrete. My stomach churns a little and I get a bit anxious looking down the stairs sometimes. It got worse after each childbirth, but I don't let it stop me. I get the same feeling when watching TV shows if someone is looking over the edge of a building, for example. I have to look away. I can't go on many fair rides, as they are too much for me and that is OK. I will never climb mountains, or walk on those narrow bridges slung between high places. Shudder to think of it. Please know that YOU are ok even if you have trouble going out, and that slow and steady will get you where you want to be. I know you are still grieving the loss of your mum. The loss feelings don't go away quickly.
Sharyn - I think you are developing a new language. We will call if Kindle- " go to the fro wry store".. Love it! lol. I agree that visualization really helps too and self-talk. I think I can, I think I can... You are right about society accepting "big men". My ex is over 300 lbs now, and has a woman doctor who gets on his case, but back in the days when he was about 250 his male doctor didn't. He is just shy of 6 ft and 250 was too heavy. A female friend of mine who is overweight has been ridiculed by her doctor, and I know of more cases like that.
jinx - drug pusher lol. We have to get you and cm together! I agree that antid's just make you feel "not bad" and, for me, give me back the ability to cope with the normal, or even abnormal, ups and downs of life. There is no "high" on them. If there was I would be off them like a shot. I don't care for induced "highs". I could never get drunk because as soon as I feel the alcohol affecting me I stop drinking - just don't like the feeling. Well, that is, apart from that department party at McGill, where someone, I think I know who, spiked the punch with ethanol, of which we had plenty around the labs. Before I knew it, I could hear the air move. A fresh young grad student tried to manoeuvre me onto a lab bench to have his way with me, but I was aware enough to repel his advances. I went to my office and sat there alone until I felt steady enough to walk back to my apartment. Woke up fine the next morning, and decided to be very careful around punch in future, and male grad students, which reminds me of another story...
Weaning yourself off antid's in a good idea though I know some can go cold turkey. As I have gotten older, I find I need to wean more carefully, but have always succeeded.
book - the WestJet thing did get to some people, and gave them some Christmas joy.
cm - see jinx. She has everything you need! ;-) I laughed like a fool when I read your response. The cat looked at me as if I was crazy!
twentanon - hope you work out something for a break. Also hope you get something out of the Alz group.

going to post so I don't lose it and continue later...

Emjo the acrophobia thing is real, really-real, it's not psychological or neurotic, it's in your ear. And getting worse as you describe after pregnancies rings a bell too. I read the best-ever description in a novel called "The Idea of Perfection" (could be "An Idea" - it was a long time ago) of how this form of vertigo works. Nice to know I wasn't just making it up, but the description itself gave me sweats and palpitations.

I've often thought that although New York is one of the few cities I'd love to visit, I'd never cope with it - just tv footage of that bloody tower in Toronto turns my legs to water even when I'm sitting down in my own living room. For some reason I'm absolutely fine with trees, though, which is weird - but tall buildings, CRANES (aaaaaaarrrrggggghhhh), cliffs, mountaineering and, yes, you're right, staircases - especially open ones - can't go there.

I don't know how it starts. I thought nothing of heights as a child; I'm fine with flying even now; but there it is. I suppose we will just have to accept that we will never be contenders for Scaffolder of the Year.

I just thought of agoraphobia sp? as well. a friend had this many years ago was paralyzing for her. Severe anxiety is attached to leaving the home or something of those sorts, That could be part of the issue for you envision. I had sometimes thought of that to add to my list but it is not anxiety for me, it is exhaustion, with regards to getting out..my anxiety is in other special places, hahahaha... anyway something to google!!!

margeaux - thx. I think G and I are the best things that have happened to each other in a long time. He is a great guy. For the most part, if I talk to him reasonably he will respond well. We spend a lot of time apart but when we are together he is 100% there. Quality time! I have accepted the situation with his kids. I am sorry about your husband's friends. Frankly I think it is rude not to speak English when you are there. Re cooking dinner, dil barely cooks. Maybe I can teach her a thing or two. Dave my son cooks reasonably well, and does more than she does. He sent me on f/b a link to 15 GF cookie recipes. I sincerely hope they are not expecting me to produce these. I will do the choc mousse. Maybe we can bake some cookies while they are here. I will have the ingredients for some handy. You can come for moose anytime! :) I would say the pot roast or stew is the best. Better to stay away from construction and high traffic. Detached retina in a diabetic is not good news. He is suffering the effects of not regulating his blood sugar. Prayers coming your way. I agree with you about the flu. G is ultra-careful about that as he is in meetings more in this job and therefore more exposed. Hoping we all have good holidays
Ju – glad you are feeling better. Sometimes resting and hanging out is all we can do. I hang out with the cat! Yeah I think the burnout/PTSD/ depression… are all intertwined. Amazing that we all do as well as we do. So glad you qualify for a health program. Supplements are often a good thing - D3 etc. Ju, I think many of us have the pride issue re antidepressants. I think that is part of what goes through my mother’s mind, though with her it doesn’t stay there long. Denial is the biggest part for her. We all like to think that we can manage without them, and no one wants to be dependent on a drug for life to function normally, especially one that affects our minds. But, if in reality we need them, then, for me, better to accept it and take them and function better. I do wish my daughter would take them as she was so much easier to get along with when she had in the past, but, like mother, she doesn’t have problems. More on that later. Sounds like you will take them regularly now. I find I need a bedtime pill/supplement routine and a morning pill/supplement routine, then all gets done - most of the time. Re the cruise, I was very touched that G chose it so that we would have max time together. He can walk his legs off when we reach ports. Actually, I am not sure that I may not be a bit of an excuse for him to take it easier too. He really does need to. Really thinking of ignoring voicemails. Enjoy reading what you write too Ju, and you really hit on something with the pride issue.
Re walking – too cold outside here for me now. I have to use the malls and grocery stores. I do extra laps in the grocery stores, doubling back to walk more aisles. It all helps.
Oldest grandson happened to mention to me that he found his mother on the floor in agony the other day and had to make supper for the younger g’kids. It must have been bad as she has a high pain tolerance. I asked her about it and she said it must have been food poisoning, and she threw up once and felt shaky for a few days –but it was nothing. No one else in the house had it, so I am wondering if that was it. She has had her gall bladder out and has had stomach problems for a long time. A lot of testing was done a few years ago, colonoscopy, intestinal biopsy for celiac and so on were fine. I hope it was nothing more. It bothers me that she just dismisses it and seems like denial to me, which I see in her a lot the past few years. Can’t do much but pray about it.
Cm – doesn’t surprise me about the acrophobia. It is very real to me. I know what you mean about your legs turning to water sitting in your living room watching. I was not fine as a child – two rungs on the step ladder were my comfort level. I have forced myself to go higher but I don’t like it. I am fine flying too, but cliffs, and even hotel balconies… aaargh. I went out on one last trip, to take some shots of the city at sunrise, and had to slither along the wall, and keep some part of my anatomy in touch with the wall. The balcony railing just doesn’t do it for me. I feel like I am being drawn over. Weird! More and more is being found to be biological as opposed to psychological. Childhood bed wetting, for example, is largely due to a lack of antidiuretic hormone (ADH) which corrects itself as the child grows older. Not saying there are not cases when it is psychological, but many (most) are physiological. They used to blame the parents. Another aaaargh! Scaffolding - not a chance!
Have a good day everyone. Love and ((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))

book: I want to clarify by crappy of your therapist I mean not being respectful of your scheduled appointment times. it would not be tolerated the other way around and also it would give me in my weakened state no faith she had a real interest in me and my issues if she could not make our appts. but if you and her work well together otherwise you could maybe work with her on the appt issues....It has got to feel good to you to make it work in my humble opinion so ...I didn't want to influence you to start over with someone new, that can be trying tooo

Book - the therapist was a jerk, but that doesn't mean she doesn't care about you. The reason she didn't show up is about her. I have to admit that is the sort of "unforgiveable" thing I'm capable of. I'm not punctual, and I get wrapped up in something and lose track of time. It can happen with someone I have conflicting feelings for, but it can also happen for no good reason at all.

Get mad, but don't let it make you feel bad about yourself.

Margeaux~Prayers for your sister's BF. A detached retina is a serious situation. I had what is called an occulsion to my left eye retina almost 14 years ago. There is one main artery that feeds the retina and in my left eye it burst.It permanently damaged my vision in that eye dead center. My right eye has over compensated for it and I can only see the black spot if I cover my right eye. It was very scary...I was told this only happens to diabetics or people with high blood pressure which I have neither. I do have high blood pressure now but not when this happened.

Joan~You sound like you have found a balance like I have with my hubby. I am the one who is more active while hubby is a home body...would rather not go out. It is nice when we can reach that place where we can meet each others needs instead of it being a battle like it was for us in the early years.
Juju~I am so happy you have this new program next year that can provide you with more personal help for yourself.Pride is a big issue when taking anti-depressants because most people do not understand or they label you. That was what I experienced with people I thought were my friends...the with drew from me when I told them I having counseling and taking anti-depressants. I hope they never have to experience it but at the same time I pray they can open their minds to what others go through.

Oh and Margeaux, I worked with some people who were bilingual and while I was the only one present who spoke english, they would not speak it when in a group of others who spoke their native tongue. They felt is was rude of me to expect them to speak english just for me, so I did not spend breaks or lunch with them which angered them. They felt I was insecure being around them when they spoke their native language.My thoughts were they were insecure because they refused to speak english so I could contribute to the conversation. I eventually quit this job as it was a no win situation.

Hubby and I finally got the tree up this morning with only clear lights and red, gold and silver bulbs. The change is nice. not over done and simple. Hubby and I had a talk the other night because he is very disappointed in our son not acknowledging us for birthdays, anniversaries, etc. His solution is to give him and dil less at Christmas, birthdays and anniversaries. I told him (this is what his family does when you do not do what they want), we cannot control his choices and it is wrong to use money or gifts as a way to make a statement to someone. He said, then I am going to let him know how I feel because I am fed up with him not sending a card at least for certain events that come up. Well....telling our son is much better than trying to control him through monetary gifts...don't you think?? This is how his family operates..they find ways to shun you because you are not living up to their expectations.

Hugs to everyone, enjoy this next week, don't let Christmas stress you out!!

Human beings are so funny sometimes! You would think it would be natural to just tell someone the truth about how we feel, but we are usually afraid to. Good job of husband enlightenment!

Sharyn I think we are finding a balance. Only one of G's kids can keep with him, so me not being able to should not be an issue. He worries about it once in a while so I tell him I am fine in a hotel - nothing bad will happen and I will find things to do to entertain myself. We do some things together and some things apart when we vacation. When we were in the Yukon, and it was raining one day he went off to gold pan, I stayed in till it stopped raining then went out, walked around town and took some pics.
Boy that was a bad work situation with coworkers not wiling to speak English. can't believe that "friends" drew away because you were on antid's and having counseling. That's bad!!!! Your tree sounds nice. I agree with you about not using money to get a point across. Just tell him how you feel - much better! ((((((hugs))))) not always easy I know.

Jinx~I tend to be blunt where my hubby's family will use cutting back on gift giving as as way to communicate their disappointment in your choices. Using money or gift giving as way to control family members who are not following what you think they should do it wrong. Being blunt may not be the answer either, but I am willing to give people an option to acknowledge us with a thinking of you care. The gift is not important..it is the acknowledgement. My son married a woman who is JW, he has since converted. I know that they get together with her family on Thanksgiving and Christmas claiming it a family day. They do celebrate wedding anniversaries, but my son and dil do not acknowledge us on our anniversary. What gives???

That's hurtful, Sharyn. I don't know what gives. On the other hand I have to say that I am not good at cards...If they acknowledge others anniversaries and not you and your hubby it does seem wrong, Also if they have any kind of a celebration on Thanksgiving and Christmas it seems to me you and hubby should be acknowledged in some way. Sounds like they do not acknowledge any special days for you and hubby,

Good day radar..had a good day with Mom and some family members. There must be some radar associated with it because no sooner do I relax for the evening, biPolar Sis calls, she just stepped out if her hot tub and must have had combined her evening meds with some wine..once she started bouncing around on the phone jumping from subject to subject and always landing back on HER...(typical for a narcosist). I called her on it, she denies it and blames her meds..I get off the phone with minimal drama. Can't I enjoy 1day? Just one frickin day?

(((((DINY))))) Don't answer the phone to ur sis next time u r having a good day. I know mother has a 6th sense about picking times to cause trouble. I have seen it again and again. Do what u have to do to look after you..Narcissists always have to bring things around to themselves - don't give her the opportunity. I know it is easier said than done. I am about ready to not answer calls and to delete voice mails till after the new year, just to get a break

Joan-this nextvyear I will acknowledge thief bidtdays anniversarties 2 weeks late with a thinking of you card. Jam sure they acknowledge dil's patents anniversarh. All I am asking is they acknowledge us with thinking of you cards throughout the her. My son forgets and his wife will not help him to remember. I help my hubby remember fang birthdays, etc. J may not see eyetooth eye with hubbys family but I encourage him to ackknowledge them spend time with them. Oh well it is like flushing water down a clogged drain.







F

It isn't right to leave you and your hub out.I think usually a woman takes over remember

ooops - remembering these things. G remembers his kids b'days. I sent flowers to his mum and dad on special days. It was the same with my ex. I encouraged him to spend time with his mum as he hadn't for some time. His new wife is the other way and there are hard feelings. I still send flowers to my ex mil. It is a shame -what have you ever done to them except be supportive? You have said in the past you loaned money. I wouldn't any more. Sometimes the ones you do the most for appreciate you the least. (((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))

EMJO-
Just had to let you know I just finished watching an Alaska show and they are hunting moose for winter meat! A big one 600-700 pounds of meat?! ;)

EEWWW!

I am struggling with how close do I let co workers get? I worker with a teat group of people we all have our short comings and differences. I am seeing where people are breaking down my defendes and it scares the hell out of me.I don't wantto get hurt like
I have in the past. I usually keep people at arms length., but this group is much more personal and wants that from me. How can I reach out while protecting Mt heat? Sounds silly but this is hard forms.

glad - hahahaha - great hunt. I helped butcher the last ones G got. Would have grossed you out. I had moose blood on the ceiling. The first and last one my babes (youngest son) got with a friend was good sized. They quartered it and hung it from the ceiling of the garage with hooks and ropes. Then they covered the garage window with a blue tarp. It looked like a scene from Predator. Some neighbourhood kids came to look and were impressed/scared. lol Gordie put the head in the freezer so every time I went to get something from the freezer I had to look this moose in the eyes.

((((((((((hugs)))) Sharyn - it is hard. I think it is important to guard your heart, and not do anything that you feel uncomfortable about. You decide what you are comfortable with, and how close you want to get. Just because they want it does not automatically mean you have to give it, if you are uncomfortable. I tend to stay on the edge of groups and form a few close friends in time, if it works out. Gotta be true to you! My 2 cents anyway.

EMJO-
all I can say is EEEWWW!
can you buy moose in the grocery store there? I'm guessing but we can probably get it from a specialty meat shop only.

glad - not in a grocery store. Don't think it would be legal. You can buy elk, bison etc. in a specialty meat shop here too. All the meat (the usual beef, pork, chicken etc.) we get here is trucked up from the south, Even further north you would not buy moose in a store, Whoever wants it, hunts for it, There is a limit as to how many a person can shoot - licenses, seasons and so on. Gary got a pronghorn once, Can't say I enjoyed it much - too wild. I think he still has the skull and horns somewhere. I know - EEEEEWWWW! ;-)

Shaynmarie, I get so angry with "religious" people who use their religion as an excuse to act badly. That totally bogus spawn of Satan Westborough "Baptist" Church that pickets veterans' funerals with nasty anti-gay signs makes me sick.

I may be an atheist, but even I know that God is love.

(Tiny suggestion) Have you ever discussed this - wanting to get cards - with your son and daughter-in-law? I almost never send cards of any type to anyone, but if someone told me it was important to them, I would make the effort. It's probably true that DIL doesn't love you as much as she loves her parents, but she might respond to a request that wasn't an accusation.

I'm probably wrong. She's probably just a cold selfish bitch.

Jinx--our son was never very good about acknowledging us even before he met his wife. I would give him reminders because he would forget. I have talked about with several times. I emailed him a list of families bdays. Now that he has converted to JW his only example of of this religion is his wife. I don't care if he doesnt acknowledge me on my bday it would just be thoughtful to send a thinking of you card a couple times a year.they are more involved with her famiily, her parents are living with them. Dil is a nice person, she was raised a JW so it is not a custom she follows. I don't know maybe I am expecting too much and should just accept it and not rock the boat ruining what little relationship we have. Thanks for listening.

Sharyn, I think they’re being hypocrites. They actually get together on TG and Xmas and Claim it as Family day? You all know that I have a bit of a problem with God. But when I was actively gungho into my religion, they too did not celebrate holidays. BUT, in all the times I was very very active, I was invited to so many home dinners. Yes, they took advantage of the turkey sales. BUT, we had our turkey dinner on a day that was NOT Thanksgiving. There is no diluting of our religious beliefs to that of the holidays – that I knew of back then. Family day, huh? You and hubby are family. As for xmas cards, etc….When I was still a Catholic, I was gungho into buying all these cards for all the holidays. I would buy it and mail it to all my siblings. Then when I changed my religion, I started to look for cards without any religious connotations. So, I ended up buying the humorous cards or the blank cards with no wording inside. It was such a challenge to write notes on those blank cards. But, I still sent cards to my siblings even though I no longer celebrated the holidays.

Your son has a cell phone right? I have two – one a dinosaur (flip open, no camera, no sims card) and one a blackberry. (I can hear better with the flip phone and so refuse to give it up.) I have set up Both cell phones to have an alarm. Your son can easily do this on his cellphone and/or email. When I was still a Catholic, I set up my calculator/planner to send me a reminder a week before all my family’s bday- All my siblings, in-laws, nieces and nephews. Then, for the month of January, I would alert the adults of all those whose bdays in January, etc…

Jinx - I agree with you about those Westborough "Baptist" Church. Just as I strongly disagree about those "religion" who allows multiple wives and yet they build a wall around their town. When the females try to flee, they get caught and brought back in. Freedom of religion? What about these women's freedom? The ones who tried to flee? All in the name of religion.

I like my therapist. I am very very introverted. I feel sooo comfortable with her, that I was able to reveal my deepest darkest secret that NO ONE knows about. That is how comfortable I am with her. Unfortunately, her 100% habitual lateness really really irritates me. I'm one of those people who arrives early for any events.

Book- our son did actually call us on Thanksgiving this year. The first time since he moved down south. I am sure it was because he was together with her family so that reminded him of us.as far as day's go...hubby gets very angry, it hurts me too but I am willing to overlook it more than hubby. The idea of giving them less from us isn't going to change it either. Hubbys family will give less so that is where hubby gets that from. I will pray for wisdom on this...I don't want to jeopardize what relationship we have.:

I understand you being comfortable with your therapist. It is not always easy to find someone we are comfortable with. There are some people who can not be on time for anything. Liam like you, I am early except on my days off work I hate rushing and if I am meeting sis, I am always 10 minutes late. It is funny because in years past, sis was never on time.