notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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Sharyn, Sharyn, you tree sounds pretty! I will just get us a little table top tree like you are for your mom. How is she adjusting to her new room?
Re son and DIL However bad you want them to acknowledge you two. I think IMHO it just might not happen and put it in the "accept things I cannot change" box. I am so sorry they are that way toward you That would feel hurtful, I can understand that. And I agree religion is no excuse for bad behavior.
I am up in the wee hours of the morning, head spinning again, I realize why this house thing is all consuming...it is because I am sleeping in a recliner for 3 months 10 ft from mom snoring by night, some nights I wake up smothered, both the 85lb and the JRT dogs in my lap....spend most of the day in here and I love her to death but she growls all day too..all day and night she fidgets on her special mattress that squeaks something awful especially at night when all is calm. daytime I drown things out with her tv (somewhat anyway) I am going stir crazy I just want to get this work done at this point...arggghhh
as I said like this new guy but it is a week to work out his quote to see if we are in ballpark and on the same page and couple more to get new check issued. I was ready to have the work start this week. I could go back again and try to work out with current guy but I am so frustrated with him at this point, pulling that bid change stunt.
So anyway I guess that explains why I am just obsessing on getting this work done and can hardly think/deal with anything else...I am tired of being cold, our sleeping arrangments and cooking in the living room with the micro, toaster oven, and crock pot doing dishes in the tub and living in one darn bedroom of the house most of the time and with most of my stuff in storage! I just had to shout that out this morning!
We need our home back and I need a quiet place to just lay down all by myself in a real bed.
So I wake up so darn early, sleep was not my friend this weekend, and am anxiously awaiting the few hours till it is business time so I can call the new guy work out a couple things for the bid we need to discuss.
Well that's enough of me for me this morning so sure enough for you all!
I hope everyone has a nice week and smooth sailing preparing for the holiday next week...mentally as well as the crazy hustle n bustle of festivities!
Peace,
Juju
Wow, you do a lot! Being in the situation with your home for sometime, must be more then stressful. Then having to deal with contractors, bids, etc....how do you do it? You are one strong woman!
I am very happy to hear that you are signed on with the insurance.
I too.....for the first time was able to be signed onto my husband's insurance.
This is good that you take the vitamin supplements. I really feel as if Vit. B's are very important when it comes to keeping the spirits up. So are the others that you are taking. I also have a vitamin regimen. I can't really speak to anti-depressants, as I've never had that experience. I'm of small stature, and I'd be very skeptical of taking these for myself, because I'm too sensitive when it comes to pharmaceuticals. I did try St. John's Wort, a long time ago when I lost my dad, and then I was thrust into Menopause. Definitely, for me this and some Pro-jam product helped me tremendously. But even if I feel this way, this is a very personal choice for everyone. I would never, ever say my way is the only way!
Thank you so much for the prayers for my sister's boyfriend. I really appreciate this.
Hugs,
Much Love & LIght! Margeaux
Anyway trying to move forward and do the best I can. Thank you all for your support!
Thanks for letting me vent!
margeaux - St John's Wort is used by many successfully. Unfortunately I am allergic to it. Sudden menopause must have been difficult especially following your father's death
book I had an excellent dentist once who was always late. One time I waited a very long time and was leaving when, finally, he was ready for me. I told them that my time was important too, and I had another appointment I had to keep and left. He was never late for me again.
Sharyn - these are difficult calls. You say your son was bad at this before he met his wife, so while she may be a contributing factor, she and her beliefs are not the only factor. Hope you can work out something you and your hubby are comfortable with. I tend to lower my expectations at times like this, but it doesn't mean there isn't any hurt.
Another phone call from mother which I let go to voice mail again. This time it made more sense, but that doesn't take much change. She asked me to tell my sister to not come back as she just causes difficulties and traveling is dangerous for sis (food allergies - not really dangerous). Another example of triangulation and I have no intention of giving my sis any messages from mother. I knew this would come back and bite sis in the butt. Sis and mother use one another. Mother also asked if I would let her know if she can move to the new ALF as they have a room ready for her mid January. She said that I should be able to at least do that. I have not had an answer from the new ALF regarding the lack of a nurse on that floor. I may put in a call to the main office over this whole group of ALFs and find out if any of them have a nurse available to renters in independent living and if any of them have a room available in mid January. Mother's tone was slightly better, but I know she will revert to her old abusive ways when it suits her. I need more facts before I answer her, as she will not accept the answer that her paranoia will follow her where ever she goes, though I will tell her that as well and that she will be better off if she takes her meds.
Have a pile of things and shopping to do and errands to run. The fibro really doesn't help. I am so low energy, but gotta push through. It is sheer will power sometimes and I know it is better for me to get moving again. I did about 5 mins. on the exercycle last night. That is not much, but better than nothing. Baby steps...
Have a good day everyone.
Joan~I have a hard time getting going each day during this time of year. I know it is not as cold here as where you are, but weather does affect how I feel. I will wake up, but lay in bed with warm covers pulled up under my chin for about an hour before I take myself into getting up, LOL!! With the fibro pain, it must be very hard and baby steps are good. At least with my mom, I can tell her loving lies to stall her for awhile before she asks again. I have not started any Christmas shopping yet, shame on me!!!
I have eat crow this morning after all my complaining last night about my son. He left a message on my facebook profile this morning. While he did not say Happy Birthday to me (that is fine for me), he did acknowledge me. My hubby has different expectations as his family are very strict in following traditions and customs.
Well our telecon this morning with new Cont. went smashingly! We spent nearly an hour on the phone and again we discussed everything logically and were able to work together to find solutions, without any issues, grief, or absolutely ridiculous statements being made!!! Keeping my fingers crossed!!!
Thanks all!
This whole aspect of gift giving is wrong on it's very face. But why expect this to be any different if all they've ever shown is basic dis-respect. Even, in your son's case, even if they don't acknowledge holidays w/in their religious belief system,
IMHO, I think at the bottom of all of this is many people who are just very inconsiderate to begin with, how convenient for them....they don't celebrate holidays. I can understand that you get hurt, but if you look at it too, that you don't expect it from them.....maybe it won't hurt as much! I still am not saying it is proper, just or right! I completely agree with Emjo, too that maybe it's time your son start connecting the dots. I speak from the aspect that I've cut down with gift giving totally, because I feel like I'm crazy trying to buy people's attentions, or affections through a gift. Anyway, my point is one could look at it from a variety of angles.
Much Love & LIght! Margeaux
Christmas shopping - what's that? I will do email transfers from my bank. Makes life much easier for me.
margeaux - I don't like an emphasis on gifts either. It makes the season too commercial. I told my son and dil just come over and bring some of the food - no gifts. I need less things not more. My daughter will give me a small cash gift probably, which fits in their budget. My other son and g/f don't give gifts but will remember me. That is fine. G and I don't exchange much. We do things like giving each other the tickets to the dinner theatre. For me, time together is the most precious thing. I send money to my kids as they can usually use it, and my daughter said the g'kids are happy with money too.
ju - keeping the prayers going your way. I am sure there is a solution. You and your mum need a better environment. So glad the telecom went well.
naptime - ((((((((hugs everyone))))))) and have a good day.
Yes, I agree that using religious beliefs as a way to get out of something, especially when you are doing the opposite with other family members...it is very inconsiderate and selfish.
Getting a gift or a card does not mean as much to me as being acknowledged sincerely. Getting acknowledged sincerely anytime of the year holds a lot of impact to me instead of doing it because we are expected to according to the day on the calendar.
Some years back, my daughter decided she was going to get all her cousins a small gift...a birthstone necklace,etc. When my father in law got wind of it, he told all his other grandkids to be prepared for this by having a gift for our daughter in return. Well guess what...it ruined the thought behind my daughters giving to them. She was not looking for something in return. This was something that came from our daughters heart to do. Once again,. my in-laws interfered ruining a heart felt moment for another person.
Ohhhhh! Happy Birthday!
May you have abundance and many blessings!
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
I am so happy for you that your son did some kind of acknowledgment on your birthday.
Oh brother! Your in-laws, are absolutely unbelievable! But I believe you!
They really sound like snobs.
How terrible, that they put you through this, treating both you and your husband as two kids. They really interfered in a very bad way! In our family also, my dad's mother was known to control so much, the decisions of all her adult children.
I certainly know this treatment also, when we are the ones that don't have the extra money to spend on lavish gifts. My sister does this! My husband and me just get gifts now for those babies that are here now. Then we do get mom something, but that's usually flowers or edibles. She has so much clothes.
We do get a few bottles of wine, candy and give those to only my brother, his wife, then my sister, and other brother. I for years didn't really give them anything, since then I was too strapped giving to 8 grandkids-their kids.
So they're grown up now, so I figure I could at least give my sibs a little something. But....then my sister has given say my husband a beautiful robe.
Last year she gave him a vest. She really doesn't have to go there. But this gets on my nerves, since she can afford more than I can, and it's her moment at Christmas of height & glory, as everyone is opening up the gifts from her. It was kind of funny too, last year she gave me these strange looking costume jewelry earrings, and some knitted berets. I like to wear a wool beret, I have when it gets cold. Well the ones she gave me, look like a 90 yr. old woman would wear. I'm sorry but they had that geriatric look about them, and there's no way in China I'd ever wear them!
I haven't done any shopping either, still waiting to hear what sizes these babies are wearing.
O.K., must go get a gf of mine, who incidentally also had her birthday yesterday!
I want to stick in the mail before the day is over.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
If you don't feel comfortable with people, especially at your job....maybe it is a wise idea that you keep your distance with them. Besides I think that when it comes to work, sometimes it may be a better policy to not be on super personal terms with people either. You do have to work with one another after all, so would not want some kind of tensions which can happen in any friendship, but then one must bear in mind you will see them at work. I don't like to mix business with pleasure. I had to learn this too, because I can tend to be chatty in these environments. But as I have matured, I like a certain amount of privacy.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
My mother's death still seems like a long time ago, but it has only been two months since she died.
My step-dad via his son who is his POA came through with the money promised before the funeral plus some on what he owed to my mother which I never thought I would see a dime of.
Being co-owner with right of survivorship of my mother's various accounts and investments means that everything is now in my name. Since, I did not need it and my step-dad does, I gave mom's car to my dad so he could continue to be driven around in it.
Also, my mother owned more furniture, etc. than I have room for in my house or in my garage to keep for my boys to use one day in their own apartment. Thus, I got her locked dresser which has a lot of valuables in it. Since the key had been lost, I got a locksmith to unlock it and I now have a key for it. My step-brother and step-sister wish that I could take more of my mother's stuff, but I don't have room for it.
My depression has been worse since her death, but I have managed to loose 25 lbs since August. My doctor wants me to loose at least another 30 lbs. I did a lot of walking in August and some in September, but right before my mother died, I lost motivation for walking, but I did continue to not eat as much and thus kept loosing weight.
My dad continues to do remarkably well at 88 despite his dementia diagnosis. My step-mother continues to decline with her pulmonary fibrosis. Last week, my step-dad suffered a stroke which left his left leg numb and useless. Unless he regains the use of it while in rehab, his days of living alone at home in a wheelchair with a helper are over. He is 88, but his physical health is not as good as my dad's.
My wife and I are looking at refinancing our house that we bought 8 years ago. We want a lower rate and want to pay it off in 15 years instead of the 22 we have left on our current loan. We may have to bring some money to the table to make this deal work out.
At 56 and on full disability with bipolar disorder, I wonder if I will live as long as my dad? If I do, then my next question is what do I want to do with my life for the next 32 years? I've already been on disability for 10 years of aimless wandering from one short term project to another, but I don't have the energy that I had 10 years ago which is troubling. Our oldest son just graduated from college last week and will go off into the Airforce in January. His brother will graduate next fall because he took several college level courses while he was in highschool.
The only thing left for me to do as my mother's executor of her will is to tend to her final tax return.
I'm glad to see this thread doing very well with new members and the regulars. May God bless us everyone and may everyone have as merry a Christmas as is possible and a happy new year. Love, hugs and prayers for all.
Maybe you could sell the furniture you don't want on ebay. Something to think about.
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you and your wife.
Margeaux~I really have to watch what I say to co-workers...not because they blab...because there is always the potential that they will blab. Friday, I went shopping with M. She is the one I talked about in my post to Cmag. We did not discuss work while we were out, and it is not like she and I are going to be doing this on a weekly basis. I am very comfortable with her, she is a very kind person. Her husband does all the refinishing of the furniture she buys. My hubby will not do that, LOL!!! Getting my hubby to find a screw driver for me is an undertaking on it's own...that is why I have my own tool chest. I know the co-workers that I have to keep a distance from but L is hard to resist sometimes. She is very much the extrovert, likes to socialize, plan parties. Currently she is working on putting together a Holiday Party for January...it would include our store and a couple other stores in our area.She has been asking me to go. I finally told her I have social anxiety with large groups which is true. She is one of those who doesn't take no for answer. I think she may have gotten the message because she hasn't brought it up again. This is why I don't like being sent to work in other stores....I have to talk myself through it for days ahead of time up to when I walk in the door. My sense of humor is dry and not all get it. Here at this store, people find me funny so I am more comfortable here. An example...I asked the woman second in command, "why do they call this white chocolate, it does not taste anything like chocolate?" She said good point it doesn't. When the the bakery manager back in, she asked him that question saying Sharyn says it does not taste like chocolate. He looked at me saying, it is because it has a certain % of cocoa butter in it. I responded...so does hand lotion, they don't call it chocolate!! Another store would have found that not accepting policy and blah blah blah...but here they see my humor...so it is a good fit for me.
Hugs to everyone, tomorrow is another day, rest well!!
I don't believe in mixing personal with work. But then, I've been in my job for 20 years - just me and my 2 bosses. So, I don't think my point-of-view is the best to follow. When we attend luncheon and dinner functions with our business associates, I do Not even sit on the same table with them. In the beginning, people tried to put us in one table, but we all refused. So, we've been doing this for 20 years. But go with your Guts. If M makes you comfortable, and her personality is like yours, then I say "Go for it!" L is another matter. I don't care for people who don't know how to take "No" as an answer. I wonder if she truly has given up? Or will she research your anxiety and come up with a "solution" for you. =)
Hi Cmag! I think your depression is understandable. Your mother just passed away this year and I believe you are still grieving - in your own way. {{Hugs!}}
Sharyn, So glad your son contacted you, i kinda was thinking that, if we let go and don't expect much it just might happen and when it does it is that much more special!
With respect to gifting we didn't have much family drama there as we were so far from most family, just one gma n gpa and one uncle and his family. We would always go one of our homes after church xmas eve and open presents then xmas day was always at home just family time, board games, jigsaw puzzles, and sometimes we would go to the movies, or rent when that came along. I do remember at uncles house there where way more presents between there family than ours and sometimes remember mom saying something bout how it made her feel bad that she could not afford to gift as they did, i think i kinda remember feeling like that too, as a child, being in awe of the amount of presents under their tree and wondering why we don't have as many.
But as the years have gone by i just have grown to dislike the theme of going broke for a holiday and the commercialism of it all...stores pulling out the xmas stuff in sept, black Friday, jewelry perfume and booze ads flooding the TV etc....and tend to put the focus on quality time but not all appreciate that so I do gift and try when i can to make it all homemade stuff from the heart. kids is tuff for that so i buy or give money there. I don't have a lot of issues either cause we had small fam here and for the past 9 ys no family so it is just friends for me... anyway i do like to make a nice meal. spurge there. The last big one "we" did was prime rib and lobsters!!
I suppose i should try to make a list and get some stuff this year as i will not be baking or making anything. I just have my caregivers and the BFF we talked and are not gifting each other but i will do the boys. And we made plans yesterday for me to come down for a couple days on xmas, that just worked out nicely as i was sure she would be going to see family so had not expected it. I had no plan and with no decorating or anything this year I am thrilled about this and really need it cuz when the day comes and i am sitting here alone i would have been real sad (even tho i try to make it nice for us, it is always kinda hard cause it is all on me, all the work cooking shopping etc no one to even help set the table or anything) I had gone to some friends (or the Ex's when he was still in the picture) since being without family but we had our parting of the ways this year although we were friends we were not closeknit tight friends and it never did feel right! Yup it will be a good one, I could not be more happy about spending xmas with my dear friends, this will be the best one since the Ex!!!!
Going back a bit here to our comments on the depression/ptsd/CGburnout and suppliments...I am reminded of the lovely Peri-menopause DR told me few years back that was an issue i am now dealing with too.....omg could we have more grief from our biology, bad enuf we have to suffer every month with the discomforts of it all then when it is leaving us has to mess with us too!
Well on top of me having a good feeling about my new contractor. I was on the phone with my flooring guy. I mentioned that I had a new contractor and he had said he knows you guys well. He responded overwhelming positive feedback and was so happy I got this guy, he gushed about him! I have loved working Nate very much since the beginning, and trust him, He has been a easy flexible logical and plain wonderful to work with, I trust him. So for him to say this to me was such a relief and to have found this new guy the way I did (just venting to an acquaintance and she sent him to me, and gushed about him as well, he called within couple hours and was here next day) and then to get that kind of confirmation. It was a blessing!!!!
Well wishing you all a nice day and a big hug to everyone! Gotta get busy
Peace,
Juju
Well I did want to add, I wont know for sure if this solves my issues till the numbers come in. If they are high again I will at least be more assured that I am not being jerked around and go to battle with the insurance company as I will have 3 bids all over his payout.
Keeping my fingers crossed and prayers going, lite a candle, whatever else I can do, lol!!!!
Your talk of roasts last week got me hungry, Friday they had a big sale on them so I am making a pot roast in the crock pot today, nice warm comfort food. and easy as we are limited. My moms old simple recipe, a big chunk of meat, can of mushroom soup, package of onion soup, cubed carrots onions potatoes and what ever else veggie I like to throw in more like green beans and peas. Oh yum yum. it is going to be good!
And back to the Moose and wild game few weeks back: They hunt birds and elk deer bear and Mlion here in my little country town. Previously back home you would have to drive for hours to get to hunting grounds. Here I know Deer season opened when I hear all the gunfire from (and ATV's going up) the hill behind me, around my bday. I am not used to it being so close to home! On the way to the coast we pass many area's where I see the elk out in force!
Book~If your kindle is not a year old yet, it should still be under warranty. Amazon should honor the warranty and send your brother a new one no charge as long as the old one is returned within 30 days. That is what I did with my first kindle fire (not the HD, the original). Since your brother bought it for you, they will have that on record as it being under his name. Remember I told you my first kindle fire just quit working one day. I replaced it for free, but later found out that the kindle is prone to freezing up which my second kindle did the same thing. I set it aside for a month because I was so disappointed it happened again. When I recharged it after a month, it worked. That was when I researched it and found out they can freeze up. When I got the second kindle, I was able to transfer everything over to the new kindle...they tell you how to do it.
I went out this morning to do a little Christmas shopping. Something for my sister and my mom. Of course whenever I go out and come back home with a bag, Midget expects something too, LOL!! I did pick her up a pack of nylabones, they smell and taste like steak, so she is very happily chewing away right now at my feet. When Midget was living with mom, at mom's house, I would bring Midget a treat to teach her not to bark at me when I came over...the result is, she is used to getting a treat from me and she doesn't bark at me when I come in the house.
We keep the gift giving simple at Christmas time. I agree the focus is to spend, spend, spend, charge it whatever it takes. The jewelry store commercials are the worse. Say I Love You with a diamond, buy your daughter a diamond, etc. These poor men are expected to give a gift to make dreams come true and the only way to make your lady happy is with a diamond.
Have a good day everyone!!
I have been collecting Xmas movies on the dvr for us too for the holidays!! I cant bake this year but I did pick up a kit with premade gingerbread men with decorations. I haven't opened it but looks like fun and perfect for us no kitchen. Xmas + cookie making kinda just go together I decided just not to decorate at all this year, even our small tree we have issues with power and circuit breaker popping so just skip it. if I have an extra spurt of energy I want to use it to visit with folks in the assisted living by us for a Christmas spirit acknowledgment...
That was my alternate plan for christmas, if I had ended up stuck in this room cold and sappy, lay around and watch movies get some take out if I feel like finding someplace open and make gingerbread men!