notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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- How do I deal with an emotionally needy mother who wants all of my time and attention?
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- My sole mate is sole care taker of both parents. Where do I find help dealing with this?
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you cracked me up with the cocoa butter crack, that is my sense of humor, very dry and blunt sometimes! I also have wondered the same thing tho actually, I never cared for white chocolate and why it was called that, wasn't close to chocolate!
When life seems hard, the courageous do not lie down and accept defeat:
Instead, they are all the more determined to struggle for a better future.
by Queen Elizabeth II
P.S.. above post where I was chuckling - that was info dated on 14Dec. I'm sleepy and decided to skip to the end. Solution was found yesterday.
Hoping for a good day today, the anxiety is tapering off for me, I am trying to have faith and just let go, take some of my own advice. I am doing all i can!
My short Xmas list grew a bit. I go to town today for shopping/errands while my helper sits with ma!
Hope you all have a wonderful day!
Peace
Julie
Welcome Cheryl!!
Juju and Joan~Fibromyalgia is very real. I think dr.s are better at acknowledging it today. It has taken 20 years or more for them to accept it.
Gotta run to the bank, icing my hip again...it is flaring up again. Have a good day!!
last time she left, (Thanksgiving , she came back in a mess, missed three doses of Advair and one dose of her evening meds which has her BP medicine in it) she came back disorientated and has not snapped out of it, yet.
Does anyone else know of this problem with Alzheimer's, deterioration through a visit away(53hr. window)? And if this is how the 86 year old responds to visits away, should the visits away from where she lives, stop happening? Like maybe lunch or dinner?
i know I can't stop her from the disease itself, or stop her from seeing her children, but the 53 hour break was not worth the deterioration...if you know what I mean.
I did make cookies with my grand daughter today, the powder sugared crescents and toll-house. I have a fake tree, pre-lit and decorations that are pretty simple, had to be
since the stroke...I do not want to mess around with the beaded garland, it is good enough with the dangling ribbons.
definitely that much time away will cause a tremendous amount of disorientation! We see this in my mom even after just being gone out to lunch for a couple of hours.
I have not been in a good place for several days. Guardian appointed is certain mom is happy and well cared for. Won't be moving her at least for now. But guardian wants to try to begin to mend some family relationships. Good luck with that one! She convinced me to invite no assistance siblings for a meal Christmas, then travel 60 miles, me and siblings to my daughter's house for another meal. It wasn't easy I do not care to spend any sort of time with siblings and kind of resent them intruding with my kids and grandkids, but, oh well, it is good for mom if we can start getting along better, right? Sure, you betcha!
then my daughter dropped the bomb that she has also invited my ex and his wife to Christmas eve dinner. DEAL BREAKER! That gold digging wench that always has to make sure everyone, and probably especially me, how many vacations they are taking, then watching expensive gifts for the grand children. Nopeerino! Not going there. This is about the third time in the last week that plans have changed. Will stay home with mom and hubby and have a couple of dear friends over for a simple supper.
but how freaking thoughtless of my daughter, but I know darn good and well that one of the sibs had her hand in this to try to keep me away. Ok she wins another round, but it will all come back to haunt her, don't know where or when but I am waiting with baited breath!
Glad~I also have been depressed since the last weekend. I can appreciate what you are saying about your daughter inviting the ex and his wife to Christmas Eve dinner. It is a tough spot to be in. Can you go but avoid contact with your ex and his wife...My in-laws one year at Christmas, arranged it so that my husband and kids were in a different room than me...that way my mother -in-law could raked\ her claws over me without my husband or kids present. Maybe you could tell your daughter the only way you will come is if you do not have to be in the same room as your ex and his wife, including during dinner. My in-laws set up a table in their front room and designated it for my kids, my husband, my father-in-law, brother and sister-in-law and their kids. The kitchen is where I was told sit with mother-in-law, aunt-in-law, the mother of the boy who was the father of bil's pregnant daughter and a couple other people. I was subjected to my mother-in-laws innuendo during the entire meal. It was heart breaking and this is why I refuse to spend holidays with my husbands family. My husband does not pick up on it, refuses to see that they do this to me. Whether we will continue to be married once my mother is gone is another story, but I will not have holidays with his family because there has been too much unnecessary hurt done to me because of control issues with his family. It is sad that I live my life with a second plan in place. Do what you have to do to keep your balance and happiness.
Does your partner:
Embarrass or make fun of you in front of your friends or family?
Put down your accomplishments or discourage your goals?
Make you feel like you are unable to make decisions?
Use intimidation, guilt, or threats to gain compliance?
Tell you that you are nothing without them, or they are nothing without you?
Treat you roughly without your consent - grab, push, pinch, shove or hit you?
Call you several times a night or show up to make sure you are where you said you would be?
Use drugs or alcohol as an excuse for saying hurtful things or abusing you?
Blame you for how they feel or act?
Pressure you sexually for things you aren’t ready for?
Make you feel like there "is no way out" of the relationship?
Prevent you from doing things you want - like spending time with your friends or family?
Try to keep you from leaving after a fight or leave you somewhere after a fight to "teach you a lesson"?
Do you:
Sometimes feel scared of how your partner will act, or react?
Feel responsible for your partner's feelings?
Constantly make excuses to other people for your partner’s selfish behavior?
Believe that you can help your partner change, or improve the relationship, if only you changed something about yourself?
Try not to do anything that would cause conflict, make your partner angry, or upset?
Feel like no matter what you do, your partner is never happy with you?
Always do what your partner wants you to do instead of what you want?
Stay with your partner because you are afraid of what your partner would do if you broke up?
3Evaluate how your other relationships have changed. Are your family relationships and friendships increasingly filled with tension every time your partner's name comes up, or with your partner when their names come up? Red flags should go up if everyone who cares about you is becoming worried or being pushed away by your partner.
Does this person bring out your best, or worst traits? Do you feed each others' best self, or have you seen your attitudes change to more closely mirror your partner's, which puts off your family and friends?
Be aware of the way he/she behaves with your family and friends, especially if she/he antagonizes them, argues with them, or behaves dismissively.
Are you realizing it's just become easier not to spend time with friends and family you've loved for years before meeting your partner, rather than try to get your partner to join you?
When you are social, do you only spend time with your partner's friends and family, and feel alienated from your own?
Gladim, Did you turn down your daughter with a very subtle “guilt trip” response? Or a SUBTLE reprimand? There is a way to do this where your daughter learns, deep down, that what she did with your Ex was a no-no. That you have your pride and will not condone her shenanigans. Sometimes, your children are never too old to be taught etiquette and family values. It doesn’t matter if your sibling put her up to it. Your daughter is an adult and should have known better WHY you were having xmas dinner with her. If not for you, then for her grandmother – and not some sibling rivalry between her mother and aunts/uncles. Know what I mean?
Bermuda, I know how hard it is to be very very depress. I have 2 kinds – the regular depressions that I get several times a year, and then the BIG one – that is once a year. I had the BIG one last year June when I became seriously suicidal. I just had this year’s BIG one this past Oct/Nov and finally slowly climbing out of it this month. {{HUGS}}
Sharyn, it’s a sad thing when a spouse doesn’t believe you about his own family. My youngest sister (even my ex bf), refused to believe our childhood. When we all got together and talked about our childhood, her husband told us that he didn’t believe his wife all those stories she told. My ex-bf thought I was Exaggerating. After the ex, I never told anyone again about my childhood…except to my therapist. And a few nuggets here on AC. Sharyn, as for your son, he cannot wish you a birthday or even refer to it. Don’t try to trick him into doing it. My family did this with me, and it irritated me over and over for years. Until I blew up, and I had reached the point of Deciding to Permanently End my relationship with favorite sis. She was not honoring my religious beliefs. And she was forcing me to see Why my religion encouraged us to separate ourselves from non-believers. As for your hubby…. start saving as much as you can. An emergency fund. {{HUGS}}
Hang In there, this is a depressing job. You are among like minds and moods! I too have bouts and battles with depression, it is not fun, it is almost inevitable with this job I believe!!!! ((((hugs)))))
I think that as I pull away emotionally as the crutch for Mom, she too can let go and accept the end of her life. A lot of elder angst is non-acceptance and rage about death maybe. I think there is some wisdom in seeing life on its own natural terms. Help the parent with closure. Maybe it is not healthy to enable their clinginess and delusions. If they make it into the 90s it is time to take stock of the past, stay in the moment, try to find peace, and let go. Letting go for all of us is as important as embracing the moment. The Spirit inside will be intact and lives on. Step back and see the whole show. That's what I have been thinking lately.
This is brilliant, you telling your mother the very same thing!
I many, many years ago was with the wrong type of guy. He had lot's of psychological problems, and a horrible drug habit. He'd say, he was going to kill himself. But.....when I finally got it, that he was also saying this to ME, so that he could extract pity, and really control me because that's what started happening in this relationship....I finally after being told this over and over again, said, "Yes, you should just end it all and kill yourself." I'll never forget the look on his face, like he'd been caught playing quite a deceitful game upon me, with the issues around control. Yes, it's good that you realize these as manipulative comments,
Funny how after I made this comment to this guy, this stopped, but I got out of this sick relationship too, thank the cosmos.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Wow! This is exactly the reason why I don't have a FB account.
You probably should just leave it alone. This could get sticky, and convoluted.
Much Love & LIght! Margeaux
I didn't know that a guiardian's responsibility was to make suggestions as such about improving your relationship with your family.
IMHO, I don't think you should go along with this. You have your feelings about this, which are very good ones not to want to attend. I'm telling you, much of this kind of chaos, by my sister exists. Last couple of years this has only escalated, because she became a grandmother. So of course there's been the baptismal, the first birthday parties. In this......there's been her daughter who bonded w/her step dad and is included.Then there's also her daughter's own father. So my sister doesn't like the fact when both these guys are invited, especially the step dad. Stepdad, is father of a second daughter w/my sis too. So there's all these layers. But then get this one........sis has a boyfriend. There's obvious tension w/him and from what I understand, it's unwillingness to be accepting of all this.
Well, he wasn't at my sister's grandson's 1st birthday party. Now finally after I been w/my husband several years, he finally got it that the step dad, was once my sister's husband. He said to me......."I don't blame her boyfriend for not wanting to be at these events." Sure.....because there are not one, but two exe's of my sister's there. My husband finally admitted even to me his inner thinkings about having an ex present. Of course, many people will say stuff like, "Oh, you should do it," because it w/make so & so feel good, in this case your mom.
But after we've figured it out, and the psychological torture we need to subject ourselves to, to accomplish this feat, NO THANX!
Anyway, that's my two cents. How completely insensitive of your daughter!
Have a nice uncomplicated dinner w/your friends.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
I just wanted to add the fact, that on account of all this chaos going on w/'my sister, and I hear about it ad nauseum, until I slap myself in the face and detach......this is why I decided in opting out of Thanksgiving this year.
Too much damn drama, and I don't need it. Now if there are just too many factors as to why people would show up at what should otherwise be a civil event, and it's not......I at least just don't want to go there anymore. You sound like you're going to make the right choice for yourself.
Hugs,
Stay Strong!
Margeaux