The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

My ex husband and I well, we had a checking acct, but I did not have access to it,
bur he used to hand over cash because I was taking care of his children at the time, well he decided my role as a wife and what I did as a wife was not important, as his, he got mad that family grocery shopping money went for school pictures etc., and started buying generic hot dogs, pizza and spaghetti, before I knew it, I started working nights, because he wanted me to buy MY own food, if I was not happy with HIS choices, it escalated from there, I was now a whore because I worked at night (he would not pay a baby sitter if I worked during the day, which is why I was home, I still had a small daughter) until my pastor told me, I wasn't breaking up my marriage, my husband had done it for me, by not being my husband.

Emergency fund yes, not believing in yourself, no!

Margeaux~I agree, it is best to shut my mouth regarding the facebook incident. I didn't expect these people who otherwise never comment to me, to suddenly take my post to heart. A lesson learned.

Glad~You have to do what is comfortable for you during the holidays. It does get sticky with family especially after our children marry. Things change and it is hard to accept. Holidays should not be filled with so much pressure from family nor should you have to be in a position that makes you uncomfortable. Maybe you could invite some friends over for Christmas Eve dinner.

Book~Thank you for the suggestion. My hubby was taught to be overly prideful and egocentric. It does not take to much for me to hurt his pride and ego. Sometimes I do it without realizing it. I have posted here about how controlling his parents have been, so it is no surprise hubby can be that way too. The think is, I know my hubby...I can't say that he knows me. I know that when I tell him to go buy different meats to put in the freezer for two weeks worth of dinners, he will do it. He just does not stop to think of us as a couple...he only thinks about his own needs and wants. After almost 37 years of marriage, is it too much to ask to think of us as a unit?? I am broke right now because I did not get a pay check last week as I was off work the week before for the sciatic nerve. Yesterday, I gathered up all the refund checks from my insurance for prescription meds, took them to the bank and cashed them in. I had $45.00. I used that to get some beef and veggies for dinner tonight which I will make in the crock pot. I will freeze some of it in freezer bags so I have something to eat when I come home from work. I spend $2.30 for my lunch when I am at work...I buy a slice of beef or turkey, one slice of cheese, a roll for .34 and get mustard and mayo packets from the deli. Now he can figure out that food is not cheap when trying to cook decent meals for dinner and he can suffer with having crock pot meals with the meat and veggies together because this is more economical than what he actually wants. I have sacrificed a lot for him over the years, all I am asking is that he give a little more for this next year until my car is paid off.

The house we live in, we bought in 1980, when I lost my job, we had to refinance so basically we have had to pay twice for our house. I appreciate my husband doing that, however, he will not put any of his money into fixing up the house. I paid for new flooring in the kitchen, which it needs done again...I bought a new dishwasher after 3 years without one, I paid for half the living room furniture because hubby was falling asleep on the couch every night and it ruined the couch, breaking it down,etc. Couches are not meant for 24/7 use. He is not sleeping all night on the couch and as a result, the furniture has held up for 5 years now. When I save the money to replace something in the house, he wakes up and his pride is hurt, then he will save money to help replace things. We still have the original carpet in the house when we bought it. The carpet in our master bedroom is the original carpet that was put in when the house was built. The house was built in 1970!! We need to paint the interior of the house...kitchen, living room hallway. Hubby will not help do it, so I hope this spring I can get it done. We have popcorn ceiling which requires more paint to cover and if hubby is inclined to help, he won't paint the ceilings.

Now yard is another problem. Hubby will mow the lawn twice a month during the warmer weather. He will not weed, prune the bushes, yet he want bushes instead of flowering plants. I buy perennials that bloom so I don't have to replace annuals every year. I have tendonitis in my right arm, I can't prune bushes endlessly without a flare up of tendonitis. Yes, I am venting big time here but I get so tired of having a hubby who was raised to be soooo pampered by the women in his life so all he has to do is come home from work and veg on the couch. He is just like his father.

I received another refund check from my insurance today...this one is all for meeeeee!!! I need some facial moisturizer!! End of vent!!

Thank you Iwentanon!! My hubby is not as bad as your ex but he was raised that woman not only work but take care of everything inside and outside of the home. Yes my job is not important to him because I don't make as much money as he does. MONEY is a big issue regarding my hubby and self importance. I am paying for my car by myself...my choice even though it is in both our names. I purchased a LTC policy so hubby would not have to lose everything to see to my care since Alzheimer's runs rampant on my side of the family. I work hard, my jobs have required more physical work than mental...this is what I am good at. As a result, my body is hurting now, today I am in pain because my right knee is hurting...possibly a meniscus tear in my knee a common injury with physical work. It has been bothering me for the last 3 months but today the pain is very troublesome. I have an ice pack on my left hip for sciatica and now an ice pack on my right knee while getting the house cleaned and cooking dinner. When do I have time to go see my mother, whom I have not seen in over a week while trying to take care of ME and keep the house up and work?? Of course hubby will help ocassionally, when he does, I have to highly praise him for it or he feels used. Welcome to my world hubby, how much to you "use" me??? Hugs to you!!

I wish there was an edit button, I just saw I posted before I was done again.

Bermuda, the reason I tell you I get depressed too is I think we all get depressed in these situations we have no control over. If you just come here and read and write whatever you need to, you will find some relief and support. Or simply reading and knowing you are not alone and so many others experiences similar difficulties!
I am exhausted from the past couple weeks and seeing a light at the end of the tunnel...I want to just have some dinner and relax and try for a good night sleep tonite. Tomorrow construction starts so gonna be hectic! Have to catch up on the rest of you all later I feel that eye stress coming on....hard to focus. I am reminded I do need to get some glasses, think that will help a lot.

I want to thank you all for your support and just letting me vent over the last weeks they have been so difficult here I could not have gotten thru it without you all and your compassion and patience with me! Thank you so much!!!
XOXOX to you all!
Peace,
Juju

Bermuda~Juju is right...come here to vent, share...we are here for each other!!
Juju~I am happy to hear you may be flooring in before Christmas!! What a relief regarding the cold, it will help to reduce that!!

I was suppose to be off tomorrow but the deli manager called me asking if I would come in...well of course...I want the extra hours, she and the bakery manger know that...I am the come to person because I will come in 90% of the time...they appreciate it by telling me and I appreciate it. It is a win win situation.

Is everyone else seeing dark black in the comments...much darker than normal...Just wondering??

yes I was seeing black lines thru everything and lost a post

About a few days ago, when I used my Kindle to come here, I saw black covering the comments. This blackness was triggered when I would Scroll up or down. WhenI went to my laptop, I didn't see the blackness. So, I concluded it was my Kindle's problem and not AC. I Googled the problem, remember? For the past 2 days, I've kept my Kindle on and the wi-fi on so that Amazon's Update to Correct this problem will register into my Kindle while I'm at work or sleeping. As of last night, I still had that blackness when I scrolled. I haven't tried it today.

Yes I know the type mine worked for the phone company
before the Bell's broke up still working there...
only he had the real job so only he could make decisions, bark orders,
I told him the only reason he had money was
because I raised his children
when he ended up getting custody of his two children,
after we got married and I was home with our baby plus my son.
Only he had the real job, I had open heart surgery and all my husband could say was,
"Thanks for f***ing up my vacation...
I could go one but I won't.
Believe it or not when I was single after the hubby, I had the same operation as a single mother and it was easier 'cause I did not have pressure from him...

Have you had your knee looked at?
I had torn cartilage and other things with my knee,
so I had knee surgery, in 2010, took care of my hip pain.
Maybe after you pay off your car. I was back in action in four weeks.

Right now I am nursing an extra bone in my foot, I am stepping on the ligament that goes around my ankle. They put a brace on it for two weeks then I go back to see if progress is made, I am not looking forward to any surgery.

The darker print I only see on the computer and the print looks bigger.on the ki doe it looks normal.
I will get my knee looked at after the 1st. I just don't want to pay for an MRI.that is the only way to see a torn ligiment. My mom had surgery for torn meniscus in both knees. The first time it also ended hip pain as well. Gotta go.

Margeaux-
Thank you for your support. And yes the guardian's job is to make sure everything is good with my mom, not mending fences with my siblings. the sibling deal is just stressful enough without throwing an ex and money grubbing wife into the mix.'it will be hard enough with sibs! Now, though tonight my kids are angry with me for not wanting to go. I explained (seems I do this profusely) that one more thing happened yesterday and I just could not do it. If only they could walk a mile in my shoes. A year and a half ago I missed granddaughter's first birthday party. First told daughter I wouldn't attend if one sib was there. Then decided to go after all. But, it was also the first day that a contractor and crew were to begin a new roofing job. Naturally, the roofers were late by several hours. I called sib to ask if she would come to supervise the start. Her reply? Not on your life I am not missing this party! If the shoe were on the other foot, in spite of everything I would have done it for her. She is a self-centered narcissistic b****h and lives 5 miles from here and has seen mom five times always with other people with her, each time for a couple of hours. She never calls mom, she is just not emotionally capable I know. But instead she blames it on me and how I bully her! Childish NONSENSE! Get over it, already!

But I am feeling guilty that now my kids are brought into this. I love them all so much and miss spending time with them. One daughter when I asked her for something that she didn't want to do actually told me that I haven't done much for them lately. I did plenty of free babysitting including weekends before all of this caregiving began. I'm just so tired of it all! It is this daughter that is beginning to sound like the most problematic sister. Daughter is my oldest, as am I problem sister is middle child. I have wondered if there is something in psych about "bullied" middle children teaming with oldest child of older sister. It is just so completely bizarre. Daughter sounds just like sister, who I might add is a counselor, and as such a master manipulator.

Gladimhere ugh.. All you can do is talk with your daughter about how you feel.. She is choosing to make you out as the scapegoat. Let her know how much you love her but you are an adult women also with problems of your own.. Reality check "Mom's human too"...

I say this with love.. My oldest child is a grown man and if you ask me he thinks everything is about HIM..When he was home for Thanksgiving he could not understand why I couldn't just walk out the door and spend the day with him and hubby at Casino.. Really?? He was so "put out" that he had to wait a day to go because I needed to ask my sister to stay with Mom.. He's a very intelligent man but it's all about him and my time restrictions put a damper on his Good times!! It's awful that I sit here dreading when he'll show up for Christmas, He has the week off and his girlfriend is leaving today to visit her family out of state... Ugh I don't need the added guilt.. Between Mom wanting me around her 24/7 and him I'm going to explode..

A&A yup, spent the last month in a constant state of stress just trying to figure out a plan. Finally I agreed to something I really did not want to do "for the greater good". ARRRGHH. What about my good?! Then daughter has to add one more thing to the mix. This has caused me so much stress I have been waking at 3 am after four hours of sleep for most of the last month. Since I agreed to the plan just to get everyone off my back, wake terribly depressed and in tears. For what so my blasted daughter can have her way, to say nothing of counselor sis.

just sick and tired of it!

Glad, I still think that you can very firmly tell your daughter of this original agreement and that you are disappointed that she has decided to bring in the ex. She's an adult and should know better. Just go. No matter how much you want to run and hide from all that bs, stay and look like it doesn't matter that the ex is there. I'd bring my ereader or book. When the going gets too much, just pull out the book and read it. If someone has the nerve to call you on it and says it's rude...just tell them the truth. That this was suppose to be your night to be with your daughter. But she wanted to share it with others, so you're allowing her to share. That you are listening to what is being said. Repeat the current comment as proof you are listening. That you will contribute if you have something to say. Sucks, I know...

I just do not want to make myself that vulnerable. It will become quite the puddle fest and that would be so embarrassing in front of kids, grandkids, ex and spouse and sisters, nephews brother-in-law.. Who knows could easily become ex's steps as well.

Book, had to chuckle at the book thing. One of ex's step kids has done this at every family gathering I have ever been to where she is in attendance. Smiling but not laughing.

As usual we need to smile through the bullshit. "This too will soon pass"...

Glad, it's taken me a while to follow the thread backwards and… so your daughter is expecting you to play nice with your ex at her Christmas party? Hmmmmmm. Works for some, not for others. She's not cutting you any slack, is she?

You'll just have to see how you feel when it comes to getting ready for the party. I agree that in an ideal world you would be able to think beautiful thoughts about giving your daughter her wish to see everybody getting along; but I know from friends' experiences that it can be too stressful to bear and all goes horribly belly-up. Which is worse than having tactical 'flu and staying home.

I count my blessings on this one - my ex and his wife are my good friends, frankly a lot more help to me than my siblings are, and I'm always genuinely glad to see them. But you can't make this happy accident of personalities happen if it just isn't the reality of it.

It sounds as if your daughter has let wishful thinking cloud her judgement - up to you if you bring her back down to earth or let her float awhile up there in fairyland. When do you have to make a decision by?

I feel like my decision is made, I just feel'so damn guilty. I am the first to admit I cannot do it all, this is just asking too much. I am tired and weary of it all.

gladimhere, when we lived in Boulder I learned an important life principal. They had us teach our kids if they ever fell in Boulder Creek to try to keep their feet pointed downstream to minimize damage to their heads, broken legs are more surviveable than crushed skulls. I often feel like I've fallen into the creek in my family. All we can do is try to keep our feet downstream. Those of us who were raised to be fixers tend to get pushed around to our own detriment. Can't tell you how to fix it, still struggling to keep my own feet downstream, but know our thoughts and prayers are with you in this difficult time...

You're only looking at the trees. You're not looking at the forest. This "change" to include your ex may become her permanent yearly thing. So,the question to you, Gladim, is this: Are you able to do this Every Year?

I think it's best that you have a heart-to-heart chat with your daughter. She might become very defensive, and of course, you will be the one at fault. Not her. You. So, you can either do this OR suck it up, put on a fake smile and Pretend that you're enjoying it. When you survived this, please reward yourself for doing something that you hated to do. A Big Reward!!! Because you deserve it... even if you did end up losing your temper and dissing the ex or his wife. Or your daughter for putting you all in this situation. Any possibility of your hubby helping you at this time. Have your back?

Iwentanon,

This was so horrible, what you are describing about your ex.
It's interesting how this story seems to be told over and over again by women.
Obviously, your a smart woman, and the fact the pastor gave you such good advice, you are no longer with someone like this. Better alone that in bad company.

When you factor in that you were also in charge of his children, WOW!
Someone in the right, fair mind....should have held you in very high esteem.
But it just goes to show you, how on that level, all I can say, is, "How dare he."
There's really something wrong with society, where we often see that this attitude prevails, unfortunately to the detriment of many women.

I loved reading your post, thanks for willing to share this topic, as I know it's opened up some interesting discussion.
In these roles, we are caregiving, when you think about it.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Gladimhere,

I really feel for you! I mean I do understand how in divorced families the kid in the picture in some way wants each parent there. But it really sounds as if your daughter already knowing how you feel, (understandable) doesn't honor your feelings. The alternative in her case would be to celebrate this holiday separately. But as you've stated, it's become an issue of she getting her way, despite whatever else comes into play.

I've seen this going on with my sister, who has two exes. She has two daughters, one w/each ex. The two daughters are both accepting of the dad's, since they both were in one another's life since childhood. Of course current day, my sister also has a boyfriend. So there's definitely tension in the fact that her oldest daughter who now has two grandkids, and is celebrating baptisms, birthdays and the like.....started inviting the second ex, who played a big role in her life.

However, as it relates to my sisters feelings having not only one ex husband present, now her daughter invites her step dad. Sister's boyfriend is not good w/this. So, of course he not wanting to attend these events also spreads tension between he and my sister's daughter. There is this ongoing tension my sis experiences when there's a "B" day, and the like. She's not happy at all about it, of course. I don't know how I'd handle something like this.
me.
Another interesting component to this drama, is the fact that my niece's own father has been with a woman about 23 yrs.,his junior. She's only a few years older than my niece. My niece can't stand her, thinks she's a gold digger. Well, she's so many issues w/her dad's gf., that she doesn't invite her anymore to any of the celebrations. So how do you like that! Here my niece doesn't at all consider my sister's position......but she can't manage to be tolerant of her dad's gf. So you are right, it's really just all about them.

O.K., Glad, I'm thinking some positive thoughts for you in this matter.
I know some people seem to think, you should kind of save face and just attend,
I think this isn't a good idea at all.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Glad~Hang in there, we will get through this holiday season yet. Yesterday I burned some white sage in the house. You do what you have to do, it is your Christmas too.

Update...My niece has advanced rectal cancer that is inoperable at this time. Monday they will do a colonoscopy to insert ports for chemotherapy. The hope is the chemo will reduce the size of the tumor so they can operate. Just pray!!

Sharynmarie do sorry not hear about your niece. I will definitely say a prayer.

Ugh.. I meant to say " so sorry to hear"

Thank you A&A!!

No hubby for me, probably will never happen again, though sometimes companionship would be nice. I'd just end up with someone that needs to be taken care of. UFFDA!

I'd like to be the one taken care of for a change, but not in the manner we are all caring for someone. I hope, sincerely hope I do not live long enough to succumb to Alzheimer's.

I am thinking of going xmas eve. The anger has diminished and I want to spend time either my kids and grandbabies. I'll think about it tomorrow. Get some sleep tonight, then I will see.

You are still the mother...you can do what you like, I hope you brave it!
My ex is my ex, I have no feelings one way or another, when we have to be together, ie. weddings, children's birthdays, I go on my way (in the small space) as if they do not exist...probably beats the heck, out of them. remember you have all the memories and passed the traditions...on your side. Smile!