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If you want to go, then DEFINITELY go and don't let pride - or intense irritation with your less-than-diplomatic hostess - stop you. Cuddle those babies! Merry Christmas x
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And in between the times when you're not with the kiddies, and must associate with the grown-ups .... Don't forget to bring a good book! Trust me, it always works with me when I'm tired of hearing the same old conversation/arguments.
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I burned the sage, last October, I am not letting anything stand in my way, for what?

I told my son, not to worry should those occasions when they arise, after having, if you invite him for 50 years with my mother, it was such a struggle my weddings graduations, granddaughters birthdays etc.

I told my son, it is your party you do what you like,
why should they have to choose or display loyalty,
we know we did the work, without us they would not be who they are...
we are like a diamond in their ring, that sparkles all over the place...

It was my ex, that could not handle it.
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So I'm not sure what's happening concerning Christmas. Last week my sister had called. She enthusiastically said to me, that she wanted to gather for Christmas.
This would be at mom's house, with all the food, gifts etc.

We didn't get together during TG, this year. She didn't want to because of too much drama that had gone on last year between our difficult SIL, and my sister's daughters. I was quite o.k. with this plan, as my husband went out of the country, and I've just basically grown tired of attending my family's stress and dysfunctional filled holidays. It just feels like everybody is going through the motions.

So I spoke again with my sister yesterday. Now it seems she's doing one of her flip flop attitudes about Christmas. She had invited my husband and me, to mom's last week. In years past, it would be a big group because my brothers and their kids, usually come. But after talking with her, she started to talk as if.....it was only going to be herself, her daughters, son in law, mom, etc. She then proceeded to give me quite a detailed litany about how she didn't think one of our brothers would come....nor his kids. This family always shows up late, to any thing they're invited to. Then I had to hear about last years offenses at TG, by the SIL and her daughters. She also went on to tell me this is why she wasn't invited this year to TG, nor Christmas.

She never once mentioned my husband and me, so I started to get the impression....on account of all her negative talk about who she thought wasn't coming, nor invited.....that maybe we were dis-invited.
I didn't know what to say to her, or ask, "Well are we still on for Christmas Day, or what?? " I do not like this about my sister. She says one thing, and I for one...became rather stressed out getting gifts yesterday, and now this. This didn't feel good either....because it felt as if she was insinuating to me that the plan had now changed. It was looking like me and the hubby are left in Christmas limbo. She likes to do this a lot.

Finally, at the tail, and I do mean tail end of the conversation.....she informs me that they'll be at mom's for breakfast, which will be 10:00 a.m. So that if we still wanted to come. It will be a very early gathering since her girls will go with their dad's familys, afterwards.

If it were up to me.....I'd be completely happy just staying at our place, or doing something else for the day. But I just don't like these half crapped invitations.
It made me feel rather uncomfortable.

Bah Humbug??
Margeaux
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Margeaux I would do exactly that! Do what you want it's obviously a half cracked invite and if you don't go it doesn't matter..

I just got my confirmed invite today by email to my brother's house. I do have Mom with me so I will stop by for a couple hours in between pills...
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Margeaux - do what you want to do - There are often mixed feelings - like with glad and others, but figure out what is most important to you and do that.
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The mental health nurse and a psychiatrist visited mother and she snowed them. I am not impressed with them, and I let the nurse know that. Again mother is assessed as competent based on cognitive tests only. While they were there, she got into a battle on the phone with her financial advisor who has been her friend and been so good to her for 16 years now and blew at him. They said her upset was understandable. No, it wasn't. It was BPD in full force, Glen, her financial advisor had said nothing to bring on her anger. I got the other side of it from him later. He has always only acted in her best interests, but of course he doesn't always agree with her. He had heard from an informed independent source that the place where she wants to move is not that good for seniors and he let her know so she blew and told him he was trying to block her move. Now she is on a high saying that the mental health team came and she is mentally healthy. Not true. All it means is that she passed the cognition tests. There are people in jail and mental hospitals who can pass those tests, but it doesn't mean they make good decisions or are mentally healthy. It just means they are bright. They completely left the BPD out of the assessment, and it does affect her decision making as does the paranoia. I am finding it hard to get my head around this and can only conclude that they do not really know much about personality disorders. Mother has also exaggerated what she was told by the pharmacist about side effects of risperidone - may cause some confusion - to saying it causes dementia – so now she has a reason not to take it. That also happened when the team was there and the nurse told me that they think they have convinced her to take it again. I very much doubt it. So how competent are these people? They visit mother, excuse her BPD anger as being understandable, leave her with the impression that she is mentally healthy, and that the risperidone will cause dementia. My mind is boggled. Thank God for the ALF staff who see her regularly and “get it”.
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Margeaux-
Welcome to the club. I want off of the merry-go-round!

Book, I will definitely take one. And thinking serious about a few lumps of coal for sibs and oldest daughter.
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Emjo, so frustrating. It seems the law will protect you from yourself if you're unintelligent, but not if you're merely destructive (unless you're actually psychotic, and sometimes the authorities don't seem to be too quick on the uptake with that either).

I wouldn't be too hard on today's visitors. They're not the first she's k/o'd in Round One, are they? And I'm betting that when it comes to explanations your mother very much hears what she wants to hear - and then paraphrases…

Onward and upward. Sigh.
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Thanks cm. All I am trying to do in prevent a move to an ALF where she will be less well cared for. Other than that it really doesn't matter. What got me was that they absolved mother of all responsibility for her own behaviour. That does make me question their competency at their job.Yes, mother picks what she wants to hear out of the mouths of others and translates them into "mutherspeak". The tone of the nurses voice that was part of what got me as well as the excuses for mother. They don't have to deal with the results of them excusing her behaviour.

Oh well. Unfortunately too cold to go out. It is minus 37C with windchill - that is minus 35F or I would go out and distract myself. Maybe there is a good show on TV.

Hope everyone manages to sort out their Christmas plans - so fraught with land mines.

glad - you mentioned Uffada. I heard Uffa mei, (means sort of "goodness me") and nei da ( which is stronger - like "Oh no!") all my growing up years.

You know what they say about Norwegians. "You can always tell a Norwegian, but you can't tell them much".

juju praying that the house repairs fall into place. Floors seem kind of essential.

Have a good day everyone
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When I was about ten and my brother fourteen, we were coming in the back door and stepping into the kitchen when we heard my mother's voice cry "Not the kitchen floor please!" A (rare) deep clean was taking place. As our feet hovered over the tiles, my brother said "Mm, perfectly good ceiling up there..?" I squealed with giggles for must have been a quarter of an hour…

Thank you, Juju and Emjo - you've reminded me that I do like my brother sometimes!
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hahahaha - good one!
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I am going to the movies for Christmas, any one for middle earth?
My daughter in Texas is going to the movies, the whole day.
Do what you want.
Why placate wonder, or worry invite anyone for dessert?
Whoever comes, comes and who ever doesn't, doesn't.
That way it is at the end of the day and will it even matter???

My church was full of swedes, they used to tell that joke too "about not being able to tell them much" but really, isn't it, that people who remain uninformed, you cant tell them much or people who do not care, you cannot tell them much, people stuck in the past, that you cannot tell them much, some people stay stuck, I am not going to say that some decisions didn't hurt my feelings, but I am so over it, It don't mean a thing, if it ain't got that swing Doo-ah, doo-ah, doo-ah, doo-ah, ...
Make it an open invitation...
Off with their heads...
About my son...I will see him the day after Christmas, he has a new relationship, besides I saw him yesterday and four days ago, along with my granddaughter, Christmas for us is a year round thing, not something based on a one day event or the calendar!

Merry Christmas everyone!
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Tomorrow check out Alzheimers Speaks Radio online. Teepa Snow will be on the show tomorrow.
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Since I ran away from the dysfunctional home at 18, I had become a cheerful, positive person who is known for inspiring others with joy and creativity. Three years into this caregiving thing, I am depressed and miserable and I think my friends and cousins are avoiding me. My mother is alert but emotionally disturbed. She doesn't realize the hurt she inflicts on me and I can't show her how it feels because then she gets even more verbally abusive and impossible to deal with. Although I finally started taking better care of myself and got myself to a counselor, I am still overwhelmed with crying spells at night, and am carrying the burden new bouts of anger and hurt every day. It's hard to discharge it and deal with it. I don't feel like meditating; though I need it more than ever. I wish God would take my mother far away from me already. She is nuts and now I am crazy too. I hate this. How I wish it will end soon! It seems like an impossible task to forgive her (for she does not know what she does) when she inflicts sarcastic, evil comments about me to others and to me, every day. I have tried joking with her. That only makes her worse. Silence. I offer little conversation. She criticizes me for how I am breathing!! Is that behavior part of dimentia? or is it just a continuation of her life's mental illness?
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Broken~Has your mother been diagnosed with dementia? I ask because my mother has what I believe is Borderline Personality Disorder. It is a mental illness and you can find out more about it. My mother also has Alzheimer's Disease. The accusations against you and the paranoia are common with both diseases. The difference between BPD and AD is that the abuse and crazy making has been present through out your childhood. It usually becomes more accelerated when Alzheimer's comes into the picture. There are medications to help as we had our mother put on an antidepressant because she started accusing friends of stealing from her...it helped a lot. Every situation is different so there is a lot of trial and error

If it is primarily a personality disorder....in order to save your sanity...it comes down to setting boundaries...detaching with love. In extreme cases a person has to decide of they want to continue a relationship or end it. Google setting boundaries, detaching with love and the other site I suggested. Hugs to you!!
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Thank you so much, sharyn, and emjo! I have to learn to let go, forgive, not take it personally. Been working on setting boundaries. I plan on going to Maine for three days to see my friends and I am sure Mom will have another hateful, shouting, and ugly temper tantrum. She really doesn't believe that I can or should have a different need than hers. Well I will learn all I can about Dementia and how to deal with this. Thank God for you guys and the internet.
How can I get the doctor to help mom emotionally and help calm her nerves? I spoke to him several times and he just has't given me a satisfactory answer at all.
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Just when I want to read about others dysfunctional families I'm wondering is everyone busy preparing for the holiday? Wanted to forget about my family issues and how I am dreading the xmas celebration tomorrow. Cannot wait for it to be over then life back to normal!
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Well, things aren't that well. I have a grandma who is suffering from dementia and she is acting immaturely right now.My mom is trying to calm her down but she is not listening to anyone right now
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Wishing everyone a Merry Christmas. Peaceful day how ever you spend it.
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Iwentanon - hope you have a great day doing what you want - year around Christmas sounds right to me.
broken - sounds like more than dementia to me, but also that if her behaviour has changed for the worst. Maybe a personality disorder if she has been difficult all her life. Definitely some narcissism and no idea about boundaries. There probably are some meds that could help your mum. Has she has a thorough psych eval? She may be depressed as well as other things. The only way you will know if there is a dementia is by an evaluation, and whoever evaluates can prescribe meds. If the doc is dragging his heels you could keep notes on her behaviour, and/or record some of the temper tantrums so he gets an idea of what you have to deal with. Bring in your notes for him to see ahead of seeing your mum, and describe what you have to deal with. Other than that find another doctor. Maybe ask social services or the agency on aging of they can recommend someone. Getting away sounds like a good idea.
Sharyn - glad you have plans to bring your mum to your home. Hope it all works out well. I know your family is still reeling with the news of sil's daughter and it will affect you all this season, Multiple loss is difficult to deal with and loss is not necessarily death but also e.g. illness which threatens safety.
glad - thinking of you and the stress ahead. Do you have a happy pill to take to help you get through it? I can't say I am preparing yet, but starting to clean up some stuff in prep for guests tomorrow - not that they would mind, but I do. Hopefully will do a little decorating later today.
adeena - welcome. Dementia does such a number on people - those who have it and those who look after them. Distraction by bringing up another topic can help sometimes. Sometimes an antianxiety meds will help, or just leaving them alone to calm down in a safe environment.

I sent my mother flowers so am expecting a blast any time soon - too big, too small, wrong colour, shouldn't have sent any, and so on
Merry Christmas everyone hugs to all - breathe deep
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Joan I am still seething over the beautiful fruit basket I got my mom the year before she died-the year before she gushed over it -the next year it was too this and that and where she lived other tennents were on food stamps and would have been glad to get some of the fruit what a fuss then I got gift cards to Olive Garden her favorite place to eat-thatshould have been good right? no they deducted some money from the card for what ever reason-but all she ever got was soup and a sandwitch what is wrong with a thank you-she drove me crazy-I sent a cake one time and she said I hope you didn't pay much for it because it was very small-this from a women who ate like a bird. I will be expecting to hear what was wrong with your gift this time.
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thanks, Austin. I particularly remember a very beautiful floral arrangement I sent mother when she has her first hip op. I got a strip torn off me because it was too big. She could have put it somewhere else in her room - not on her tray.
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oops - mother let me know a few years ago there was only one florist she wanted flowers from - they started over $100 for a simple arrangement. I haven't ordered from them. This year if she doesn't like what I sent I will suggest that she give it to the front desk staff so others can enjoy it. I know there will always be something wrong with anything I send. I was tempted to send nothing and consider the computer I bought her this summer as her gift, as she apparently has no intention of paying me back for it.
Just life as usual ... not letting it bother me too much - going to finish tidying up the dining room (G uses the table as a desk) decorate a little, and maybe make a few cookies for the company tomorrow. Nice Christmas music helps the mood!
Hope you and C have a great Christmas - your first one together! Enjoy ~~~
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Merry Christmas!
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I keep telling myself this is just another day and someday I will have my own life again and I will no longer have to live as a servent to a self centered woman who appreciates nothing. This has topped the list as the worst Christmas ever.
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((((((DINY))))) I am sorry Hope for better days ahead for you.

Not a great Christmas for me either, as it turns out.

Got a note this morning from my godson that my friend (his mother) of over 45 years was killed in a multivehicle accident a couple of days ago on her way to spend Christmas with her family. One of her granddaughters was with her and was injured - concussion, but the family is saying it was miraculous that it wasn't worse for her. Thankfully my friend died instantaneously. The family is saying it is a blessed release as her health was declining - two mastectomies in the past few years, and severe arthritis which kept her in pretty constant pain, She loved to drive as she had to use a walker otherwise. I could see that she was going to be in a wheel chair before too long. The roads were very icy. She was rear-ended and must have crashed into a vehicle ahead of her. She was like a sister to me, much more than my sis ever has been, She has seen me through so many life changes, I was with her and family in the hospital when her husband died. We both lost a son. Our kids where about the same ages... so many memories. You never know what lies ahead. That is two people dead from highway accidents in the past couple of months. I fear more for Gary now as he is out on the road in all weather so many days of the week. I have to trust that God numbers our days.
Cancelled supper with my son and dil. Just can't do it, and I am not sure I can make supper with my daughter tomorrow. I will play it by ear

Hope everyone else is doing better
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DinNY~I also am so sorry for your Christmas!! But we are here for you and wish you the best day.
Envision~Merry Christmas!!
Joan~I am so sorry about your friend. How tragic!! It is much harder to deal with these things during Christmas.

I am slowly coming out of the shock and depression regarding my family members. Still don't know what my sister is going to do for health insurance and my niece can't enjoy a Christmas dinner today having to do the prep for a colonoscopy tomorrow. My brother will come by later to see mom. I talked with both my children, called my fil. We are jut hanging in there waiting see the windows or doors that God is opening for all of us. I know the windows or doors are there. Merry Christmas.
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There is so much we have no control over.

I am glad you are coming out of the shock, Sharyn. It takes a while. Hope the day works out reasonably well for all of you, though I know your niece's illness is hanging over everyone.

Talking about doors - I had two friends in E'ton I would visit with when I went there. One just died and the other one is moving east Dec 29th. So those are doors that have closed, and trips to E'ton are less appealing now. Visiting with them was a break from seeing mother. Now that she has been assessed competent again I may just write her and ask her to appoint someone else to EPA and PD. You never know - it might work.

Hoping the new year looks up for us all.
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Joan, I am so sorry to hear of your friend. I agree with Sharyn that this time of year is especially difficult to lose someone close to you. It seems as if there have been a number of them in the AC community in the past few weeks.

Thinking of you.
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