
Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
I told my son, not to worry should those occasions when they arise, after having, if you invite him for 50 years with my mother, it was such a struggle my weddings graduations, granddaughters birthdays etc.
I told my son, it is your party you do what you like,
why should they have to choose or display loyalty,
we know we did the work, without us they would not be who they are...
we are like a diamond in their ring, that sparkles all over the place...
It was my ex, that could not handle it.
This would be at mom's house, with all the food, gifts etc.
We didn't get together during TG, this year. She didn't want to because of too much drama that had gone on last year between our difficult SIL, and my sister's daughters. I was quite o.k. with this plan, as my husband went out of the country, and I've just basically grown tired of attending my family's stress and dysfunctional filled holidays. It just feels like everybody is going through the motions.
So I spoke again with my sister yesterday. Now it seems she's doing one of her flip flop attitudes about Christmas. She had invited my husband and me, to mom's last week. In years past, it would be a big group because my brothers and their kids, usually come. But after talking with her, she started to talk as if.....it was only going to be herself, her daughters, son in law, mom, etc. She then proceeded to give me quite a detailed litany about how she didn't think one of our brothers would come....nor his kids. This family always shows up late, to any thing they're invited to. Then I had to hear about last years offenses at TG, by the SIL and her daughters. She also went on to tell me this is why she wasn't invited this year to TG, nor Christmas.
She never once mentioned my husband and me, so I started to get the impression....on account of all her negative talk about who she thought wasn't coming, nor invited.....that maybe we were dis-invited.
I didn't know what to say to her, or ask, "Well are we still on for Christmas Day, or what?? " I do not like this about my sister. She says one thing, and I for one...became rather stressed out getting gifts yesterday, and now this. This didn't feel good either....because it felt as if she was insinuating to me that the plan had now changed. It was looking like me and the hubby are left in Christmas limbo. She likes to do this a lot.
Finally, at the tail, and I do mean tail end of the conversation.....she informs me that they'll be at mom's for breakfast, which will be 10:00 a.m. So that if we still wanted to come. It will be a very early gathering since her girls will go with their dad's familys, afterwards.
If it were up to me.....I'd be completely happy just staying at our place, or doing something else for the day. But I just don't like these half crapped invitations.
It made me feel rather uncomfortable.
Bah Humbug??
Margeaux
I just got my confirmed invite today by email to my brother's house. I do have Mom with me so I will stop by for a couple hours in between pills...
Welcome to the club. I want off of the merry-go-round!
Book, I will definitely take one. And thinking serious about a few lumps of coal for sibs and oldest daughter.
I wouldn't be too hard on today's visitors. They're not the first she's k/o'd in Round One, are they? And I'm betting that when it comes to explanations your mother very much hears what she wants to hear - and then paraphrases…
Onward and upward. Sigh.
Oh well. Unfortunately too cold to go out. It is minus 37C with windchill - that is minus 35F or I would go out and distract myself. Maybe there is a good show on TV.
Hope everyone manages to sort out their Christmas plans - so fraught with land mines.
glad - you mentioned Uffada. I heard Uffa mei, (means sort of "goodness me") and nei da ( which is stronger - like "Oh no!") all my growing up years.
You know what they say about Norwegians. "You can always tell a Norwegian, but you can't tell them much".
juju praying that the house repairs fall into place. Floors seem kind of essential.
Have a good day everyone
Thank you, Juju and Emjo - you've reminded me that I do like my brother sometimes!
My daughter in Texas is going to the movies, the whole day.
Do what you want.
Why placate wonder, or worry invite anyone for dessert?
Whoever comes, comes and who ever doesn't, doesn't.
That way it is at the end of the day and will it even matter???
My church was full of swedes, they used to tell that joke too "about not being able to tell them much" but really, isn't it, that people who remain uninformed, you cant tell them much or people who do not care, you cannot tell them much, people stuck in the past, that you cannot tell them much, some people stay stuck, I am not going to say that some decisions didn't hurt my feelings, but I am so over it, It don't mean a thing, if it ain't got that swing Doo-ah, doo-ah, doo-ah, doo-ah, ...
Make it an open invitation...
Off with their heads...
About my son...I will see him the day after Christmas, he has a new relationship, besides I saw him yesterday and four days ago, along with my granddaughter, Christmas for us is a year round thing, not something based on a one day event or the calendar!
Merry Christmas everyone!
If it is primarily a personality disorder....in order to save your sanity...it comes down to setting boundaries...detaching with love. In extreme cases a person has to decide of they want to continue a relationship or end it. Google setting boundaries, detaching with love and the other site I suggested. Hugs to you!!
How can I get the doctor to help mom emotionally and help calm her nerves? I spoke to him several times and he just has't given me a satisfactory answer at all.
broken - sounds like more than dementia to me, but also that if her behaviour has changed for the worst. Maybe a personality disorder if she has been difficult all her life. Definitely some narcissism and no idea about boundaries. There probably are some meds that could help your mum. Has she has a thorough psych eval? She may be depressed as well as other things. The only way you will know if there is a dementia is by an evaluation, and whoever evaluates can prescribe meds. If the doc is dragging his heels you could keep notes on her behaviour, and/or record some of the temper tantrums so he gets an idea of what you have to deal with. Bring in your notes for him to see ahead of seeing your mum, and describe what you have to deal with. Other than that find another doctor. Maybe ask social services or the agency on aging of they can recommend someone. Getting away sounds like a good idea.
Sharyn - glad you have plans to bring your mum to your home. Hope it all works out well. I know your family is still reeling with the news of sil's daughter and it will affect you all this season, Multiple loss is difficult to deal with and loss is not necessarily death but also e.g. illness which threatens safety.
glad - thinking of you and the stress ahead. Do you have a happy pill to take to help you get through it? I can't say I am preparing yet, but starting to clean up some stuff in prep for guests tomorrow - not that they would mind, but I do. Hopefully will do a little decorating later today.
adeena - welcome. Dementia does such a number on people - those who have it and those who look after them. Distraction by bringing up another topic can help sometimes. Sometimes an antianxiety meds will help, or just leaving them alone to calm down in a safe environment.
I sent my mother flowers so am expecting a blast any time soon - too big, too small, wrong colour, shouldn't have sent any, and so on
Merry Christmas everyone hugs to all - breathe deep
Just life as usual ... not letting it bother me too much - going to finish tidying up the dining room (G uses the table as a desk) decorate a little, and maybe make a few cookies for the company tomorrow. Nice Christmas music helps the mood!
Hope you and C have a great Christmas - your first one together! Enjoy ~~~
Not a great Christmas for me either, as it turns out.
Got a note this morning from my godson that my friend (his mother) of over 45 years was killed in a multivehicle accident a couple of days ago on her way to spend Christmas with her family. One of her granddaughters was with her and was injured - concussion, but the family is saying it was miraculous that it wasn't worse for her. Thankfully my friend died instantaneously. The family is saying it is a blessed release as her health was declining - two mastectomies in the past few years, and severe arthritis which kept her in pretty constant pain, She loved to drive as she had to use a walker otherwise. I could see that she was going to be in a wheel chair before too long. The roads were very icy. She was rear-ended and must have crashed into a vehicle ahead of her. She was like a sister to me, much more than my sis ever has been, She has seen me through so many life changes, I was with her and family in the hospital when her husband died. We both lost a son. Our kids where about the same ages... so many memories. You never know what lies ahead. That is two people dead from highway accidents in the past couple of months. I fear more for Gary now as he is out on the road in all weather so many days of the week. I have to trust that God numbers our days.
Cancelled supper with my son and dil. Just can't do it, and I am not sure I can make supper with my daughter tomorrow. I will play it by ear
Hope everyone else is doing better
Envision~Merry Christmas!!
Joan~I am so sorry about your friend. How tragic!! It is much harder to deal with these things during Christmas.
I am slowly coming out of the shock and depression regarding my family members. Still don't know what my sister is going to do for health insurance and my niece can't enjoy a Christmas dinner today having to do the prep for a colonoscopy tomorrow. My brother will come by later to see mom. I talked with both my children, called my fil. We are jut hanging in there waiting see the windows or doors that God is opening for all of us. I know the windows or doors are there. Merry Christmas.
I am glad you are coming out of the shock, Sharyn. It takes a while. Hope the day works out reasonably well for all of you, though I know your niece's illness is hanging over everyone.
Talking about doors - I had two friends in E'ton I would visit with when I went there. One just died and the other one is moving east Dec 29th. So those are doors that have closed, and trips to E'ton are less appealing now. Visiting with them was a break from seeing mother. Now that she has been assessed competent again I may just write her and ask her to appoint someone else to EPA and PD. You never know - it might work.
Hoping the new year looks up for us all.
Thinking of you.