The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

HI Everyone. Alright! I made it to Christmas! Going to a candlelight service really put me in the spirit of Christmas. I stayed up very late making a crust for a quiche, cleaning my apartment, setting the table with a tablecloth from our family past, with an arrangement, washing the floor,etc. Mom came in and missed the nice vibes I set out. She commented on how nice the tablecloth was but it was so distant. Did she remember this cloth? I put it on for her. Yes, I remember. But the opportunity to see that I loved her was slow in coming. However, she spent a lot of time telling me about the next door neighbor who surprised her with a plant, and how wonderful several other people she knows are, and so on. I realized once again, I had to kill the little girl inside myself still looking for recognition and love. Christ never gave to get something, I thought. Just nod and keep going. Everything was fine. She liked the quiche very much. She told me what fun she had yesterday going to our favorite clothes store. These can be the good times, I thought. Things can only go downhill in the months ahead. I tried to savor the moments with her and tried to make inside jokes to myself for things she said that made me collapse for a moment. Keep smiling. Keep going. breathe. breathe deeply. Feel the love after she leaves. Feel the preciousness of today. Gather the last fruits left on the orchard of our lives together. Step over the rotten apples. Laugh at the squishing bruised ones below, stuck in my shoes. Forgive again and again and again. I wanted so much more from this mother. She is doing the best she can. She can't help being who she is, anymore than I can. Let it go and let it be.

I dropped the bomb about going away for a few days. Call it a weekend. Doesn't sound so long. Hold the sadness after she leaves. Hold it sacred. The tears of love are sacred. God is here with me, with her. Life goes on in its mysterious twists and turns. All is as it is. The should be, could have beens, must vanish with the ego if I am to progress spiritually.

Thanks for letting me share this.

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Answered a question 12/25/2013 at 4:40 pm
Extreme burnout or just a pity party?
So this will be my fourth winter I come down and take care of my Mom she has the first stage of Parkinson's and I also cater to her husband because he sits on his computer all day long his ex wife left him because she was always catering to him and before that his Mom he is very English once and awhile I ask him to make his own coffee but he will wait till my Mom asks me to do it I am here 5 days a week I live far away but come down every winter and stay till late spring while I am layed off from my job but last Christmas I came down with my husband in our motor-home and we were meant to leave in the spring of 2013 but we are still here because my Mom poured the guilt trip of having no one to look after her mean while I have two siblings who live here and just suggest putting her in a home I have tried on many occasions to hire a caregiver and had interviews with my Mom she did not like any of them because of too much make ,or lots of jewelery or Cleveage showing which they were not it goes on every excuse she is a born again Christian and her Sabeth day is Saturday she has isolate her self from all pagans which about everything you can think of my boyfriend can't even come in the house because we are not married but have been together for 20 years this is nothing my Mom is very demanding and manipulative so is her husband today is Christmas and my Mom does not celebrate it or birthdays etc she ask if I was going to phone my cousin and that I should so I did talk with them for 10 minutes with her and my relatives before I went on the phone I ask my Mom what time she wanted lunch because it always changes with her she said 12:30 so it was 11:30 when I made a call and ask her would she mine she said no of course not so while I was talking she call her husband down to get her lunch at 11:50 and started complaining and crying and like usual he is rubbing her back whats wrong Mama and then she complained that I was not making lunch and I was on the phone all the time which was not true at all it was ten minutes she always does this starts crying then he comes down off is computer that is stuck to his abilblecord and I get off the phone and say what is wrong why are you crying and he says because you are on the phone all morning and says I am not taking care of her and ignoring her and she is ill then he grabs the phone from me which was so rude I tell him this not very nice to say to me he just says your Mom is ill and your on the phone I am there in their house from 9 am in the morning till 6 pm sometimes later I have no life my hair is always a mess sometimes I don't even have time to do a bodily function she is calling me if I don't answer right away she starts to get mad and calls him down and starts getting mad or cry's then he rubs her backing says its okay Mama I could go on I give her showers and do the laundry dishes all the cooking some of the shopping drive her to her doctors appointment plus more make her bed get her dressed make his food also serve them do the dishes turn the TV on get her comfortable on the couch etc! Someone tell what i am doing wrong am I bad person for wish relatives happy holidays for ten minutes??? When she said it was okay she would he later???

glad - thank you. It is always harder losing people around holidays. She was a most positive person who could find good in anything, so I am hanging onto the good in this, She did not suffer and she is reunited with her husband and oldest son. However, I will miss her especially when I go to E'ton, We regularly had meals together when I was there. I am going to feel a bit lost there now. We shared so much history. The older you get the less people around who are part of your past. But, you know, I like young people, and I just have to go in that direction. She will be missed by many.
I see you survived the dreaded family gathering. I know the feeling. I was like that for my mother's 100th. I hope there isn't another large get together like that ever again.

broken - I love what you wrote. Yes we have to hug that little girl inside and tell them that we love them, but their mother is not able. I find that many times when I planned special things for mother they fell apart. Hang onto any good memories you get, and try to let the rest wash away. Forgive again and again and again... Oh yes. I know the bible says forgive 70 x 7. I have done that in one day - and day after day. But it says nothing about going back for more abuse. It took me a while to realise that. Detach, detach, detach....I wanted more too, but they can't give it. There is something missing in them. You are right about letting the should have's, could have's go. They don't help. I learned that well when my youngest son was killed. Should have and could have are meaningless. Bless you for sharing

Fire burning in fireplace, carols on TV, two little trees lit up. I cancelled my dinner with middle son and wife. I couldn't cook today - need to feel the feelings They were very understanding. Maybe later on. I will go to the funeral and that will be hard, but life goes on for those of us who are left behind. I know that well.

(((((hugs))))) and blessings to all. Cherish your loved ones while you have them.

Overwhelm - a big hug and welcome - sounds like you are in a bad situation. I don't think for a minute that you are having a pity party. You sound burned out and that you are being manipulated my your mum and her husband. There is nothing wrong with you talking to relatives, Sounds like you have to set some boundaries and stick to them. Some people are very self centered and have been all their lives, and some get very self centered when they get older. Either way you have to look after yourself. They use, FOG - fear, obligation and guilt to get others, and want others to jump and ask "How high" on the way up. These people are narcissists and you can never do enough to please them. Decide for yourself what is reasonable for you to do, and do it but don't be guilted into doing more. Your siblings certainly could pitch in. Your mum is very lucky to have you come from a distance to help. With people like her often you have to give alternative - like, Mum I will be going away, and I am hiring this caregiver or that caregiver - take your choice, but either way I AM going away. If she throws a fit, so be it. Stick to your guns.You are not responsible for keeping her happy -she probably never will be anyway. You only need to see that she is safe, fed, clean and so on. You do not have to cater to her whims and tears or her husbands. Maybe time to stand up and say what you will and will not do. Take some hours each day for yourself no matter what they say. You need and deserve that. Look after your hair and so on. In my view what you are doing wrong is catering to them too much and not looking after yourself enough. I hope that doesn't sound harsh, I don't mean it that way, but they are expecting far too much of you, and only you can put a stop to doing so much for them. With some people the more you do for them, the more they expect from you. Of course, you can have a phone conversation with your relatives. They are being very demanding and unkind to you. Set some limits on your availability and come back and let us know who you are doing. Give yourself a break. ((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) Joan

Emjo, yes I survived, but it was so extremely stressful. Will never put myself in that position again! Sisters be damned, as well a daughter who acted as if she would be so hurt if I attended. My son and wife were going to come here, and I think my other daughter would have as well. But I sure do not want this kind of dysfunction entering their relationships, the main reason I went is so they would be together.

glad - I sure understand that it was stressful -good that you will not put yourself in that position again. Your sibs hardly deserve any consideration, with their behaviour towards you. Hope next year is better. My daughter and one dil will not be in the same room together. We work around it. I don't want anyone stressed out - least of all me. I would love it if we could all get together and enjoy it, but that is not reality - so gotta work it out somehow and we do. ((((((hugs))))))

Emjo, sorry about your friend. {{Hugs}}
Gladim, atleast you gave it a try. Next year, if daughter tries to do it again, you can honestly say, "No, I tried it your way last year. Too stressful and not enough understanding from my family. From this year forward, I will have my own small get-together with mom and hubby. You are invited, along with your siblings." And just leave it at that.

Hi Broken, Overwhelmed. At work at the moment...taking a peek here. Will have time to read slowly when I get home. You all take care. xmas is almost over - for you all.

thx book - I can almost hear her telling me she is so happy now and how nice it is, and she has no pain, and her husband and son are there and my Gordie and he is happy. She is just delighted.
no - I'm not going nuts - had this happen before a few times when people pass

We had a very quiet Christmas. My brother.,nephew and great nephew came over to visit with mom. My sil is going to get counseling to help her cope with everything. Torrow they will find out treatment options for my niece.

My sister has been fired...but will be rehired in 2 weeks. Her 401K has been rolled over into an IRA that she can draw from to suppliment the 20 hours a week. Her insurance will cost about $150 a month less than what she paid working full time.

Mom did well today. No problem when I took her back. Midget was with us which probably helped. Mom got stocked up on lots of candy so she was happy.

Sis and I are going to meet tomorrow to shop. Sis has a gift card from her employer she wants to use with the after Christmas sales.

Gotta go, its been a long emotional week and Friday will be 10 years since my dad passed away.

((((Hugs)))) to everyone!

Overwhelm! Wow, your name matches your situation. I totally agree with Emjo. Can you copy and paste her words? Re-read it over and over for encouragement. It is soooo true about FOG – Fear, Obligation and Guilt. My father is an expert in that. And we verbally clash all the time.

Fear – he would tell me that I have NO WHERE to go. If I had, I would not be living at home. And sometimes, he would physically hit me. It got so bad – before he had his stroke – he was moving up with the violence. This time, he was going to choke me. I saw his clawed hands aiming for my throat, and I turned my body sideways, threw my right arm back with a fist, stared at him as he came rushing towards me. I tell you, my terrible fear of father faded as I got ready to throw my whole body into that punch and then to RUN out of the house. Hell, he’s taller than me and weighs double mine. I’m no fool to think that I can beat him in fight. Hit and Run was my strategy.

Obligation – Yeah, yeah, they’re our parents and we must take care of them in their old age. (That is why they had so many children – quoting him.)

Guilt – “You are a Bad Daughter!” I used to cry hard when he used this for several years. And I believed it. Then I found this site. I learned sooo much. Finally – accidentally – found out how to Detach – just recently. Father and I no longer have our famous yelling match. I give him 2 choices. (Too many confuses him. And he takes much longer to try to figure out each of it. Faster to just offer 2 choices.) He choose. If he doesn’t want it but HIS way.. too bad. I walk away. Not my problem. No more begging, etc…

Sis does EVERYTHING he wants. He tells her to jump, she jumps. And I see how he treats her. Like Dirt. If I thought he was rude to me, he is downright Hitler to my sister. And that’s why I soooo agree with Emjo. When I first found this site, I found sooo many great advice. I copied and pasted it on my notes. I have a FUNNY file (for funnies on this site) and ENCOURAGEMENT file (a lot of good info from Emjo) and CAREGIVER TIPS (like rashes, UTI, etc…)

Sharyn, I know how close you were with your father. 10 years. {{HUGS}}

You turn your back for one day, just one day - and the whole scene changes round. Emjo, I'm so sorry about your friend. What a horrible, shocking thing to happen. It is a tribute to you that yet again you are able to see clearly how to roll with it and stay upright. I'll try to have faith that you're right, she had a quick, painless passage and is now in a good and peaceful place.

Aunt in hospital, cousin in Holland and his own son just admitted to hospital with mystery infection, my mother taking long and many circular conversations to absorb the news, phone ringing off the hook (sister asking by text why I'm blocking the line)… Whatever, it'll all come out in the wash. Well that's Christmas done, just the New Year to get through.

Wishes for peace, happiness and progress to everyone xxx

Today is the day, I think I can go no further. I am caring for MIL. Husbands' brother has long harbored resentment toward his only brother, and it couldn't be any clearer today.
My sister passed away in another state last year, and we needed someone to care for his mother while we were away. He said that this would be too disruptive in his life. He said initially that she couldn't live with him because his mother can be mean and difficult. He has two children , age 2 and 14.
As you can imagine, most of her care falls to me. I do have help during the day. She leaves at 4pm and then it is on me. I have never met a family this way. It is wearing me down because yes, she is difficult and mean and doesn't want to face the fact that she is in decline. Most nights are filled with constipation issues. She cries when stomach cramps from laxatives, but cries when she cant go to the bathroom. It is the medication, but she has to be on these meds, so it is a vicious cycle.
I am beat. Not sure how long, when husband does not validate my complaints of tiredness. His response is "I am in there a lot too1". NOT POSSIBLE, BUT it IS HIS MOTHER. She did not give me life. can't get him to seek counseling.
I am trying to get to the point, where my every waking hour is a plan to get out of this house and this state. I have not family here , so I really feel isolated.
It helps to vent.
Christmas has come and the brother did not bring her grandchildren to see her. It is more than I can take sometimes!!!

This is a very sad situation for you and all I think you need to step away and take care of yourself tell her family or your husband to take over or make arrangements for her to be looked after but I know the feeling of the guilt and I understand totally the need to vent I do too I have no one to vent too except here. I should be taking my own advise?

Emjo,

I a so sorry for your loss. This must be the friend that you've written about that you've visited on ocassion, in Edmonton. You are so right about we just don't know how long we have on this planet. On that end best to bear in mind about reall appreciation and loving one another. I gave this much though this season.

It's understandable that you cancelled your dinner plans, and it sounds as if your son and DIL understand. I had to do something similar, and well.....
sometimes we do have to pay attention to how WE, are feeling and honor that!
O.K., Emjo....you and your's are in my thoughts.
May your friend's spirit soar very high!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Emjo,

Oh, I'm just not awake enough, need my 2nd cup of coffee, sorry for my misspellings.
Margeaux

Thank you everyone, who encouraged me to do what I wanted to do, Assandache,
Gladimhere, Emjo and anybody else.
I have been quite spaced out the last few days, because I've had a bad sinus cold.
I didn't realize until I read here today, I'd forgotten to wish everyone a Merry Christmas, or happy holidays. I started to feel a little bit better, then my husband had the same symptoms.

So after I'd gone shopping last week, I came to the realization that it didn't look as if I was going to be up to go to this breakfast Christmas morning since I just wasn't feeling my best, and don't want to contaminate. When my husband started to feel it, which was Tues., I decided, that, "No, we just can't force the issue and go, to my moms." But......really I still wasn't up with my energy yet, and since we were staying here Christmas Eve, and Christmas, that meant I had to get a dinner plan going. So Tues., I had to push myself out the door to get some major groceries, because we were down to almost zero. After I hit about 3 stores, because they each have things I need, came home with a cross rib roast.
I've made roast a couple of times, but it's been quite awhile.

Now I basically did this, because even though my husband was under the weather, he's like a baby......he wanted something a bit special given the holiday!
Oh boy! This man is lucky that I do enjoy cooking. So I searched some recipes,
and techniques. Unfortunately, I had no time to marinade the meat. I cooked it at a lower temp in the oven, because this is why I have some hesitation when it comes to meat. Well, the flavor was good, the husband enjoyed it. But truth be told, I need to look further and try making this again, because for my taste, it was a bit dry. Honestly, now that it's two days later, don't ask me how I accomplished that feat, that day! But oh well! The husband was extremely happy. Actually,
this was like his Christmas gift, since I had no energy to go get his gift.

I waited, until Christmas Day too, in hopes I was feeling better so that I could go to my sister's breakfast. But yesterday, I called and just told her, I saw no point in going there with our bugs, and spreading this kind of cheer. She was quite o.k., w/this. Her voice sounded rather hoarse, and come to find out she'd had a touch of flu, and hasn't quite recouped from it.

I could hear it in her voice, she was totally stressed out, trying to accommodate this a.m. get together for her daughters and son in law, so they'd be freed up early for other invitations w/their father's. So this drives home the point also that for some of us, we must protect ourselves from just becoming robots to holiday expectations.

Hope everyone had a relatively mellow Christmas.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Book~Thank you. Usually I get through the 27th by working which I will be doing. Things are starting to settle down except for my brother and sil. They have a lot to deal with right now.

Off for some retail therapy, LOL!!

I didn't want my previous post to get too long.
So, as I wrote my sister was apparently not functioning not even 85%.
She told me how stressed she felt given her plans she has w/her boyfriend on Christmas Eve, (dinner out). Then she was up super early, and when we were talking she said, she'd just finished cleaning up some ham glaze that had boiled over on the stove, and that the smoke detector had gone off.
So when I was on to the fact she was feeling under the weather also, I asked her when her daughters were leaving, so she could get some rest. She said to me, that "yes," she planned on doing that, and continued to complain about how everything.....including the previous night's dinner plans w/her beau, were too much, blah di blah. I had this conversation w/her at 8:20 a.m., yesterday.

So at 1:00 p.m., yesterday I received a call from my brother. He sounded terrible, said he was down w/a major flu, and his son also is currently having it. On the back of this comment, he informs me that my sister was going to go down there with my mom, so that he could see mom. This brother lives about 60 miles from them. I just don't understand my sister. She complains about doing and doing for her own kids, and everyone else. Here, she's feeling sick, and going to a household where they're under flu bug attack. I don't understand my brother either.
Why on earth would he want to receive my sister and mom, feeling this way? . But I know they get a lot of this dysfunctional thinking from my parents. It's as if these people are on automatic pilot, and do not give their behavior any thought at all. They must think I'm some kind of purist, compared to the way they think.

Margeaux

Sharyn -so glad Christmas day worked out and that sil is going to counselling. Great that your mum was alright. Sil has a huge load to carry. Sorry about your sis being fired, but good they will rehire her. Sounds like some financial things are working out. Have fun with her at the sales. Will be thinking of you on Friday and your dad's anniversary. I know these days are hard. (((((((hugs)))))
Book - I found the concept of "FOG" very useful and still refer to it. cmag was the first one to introduce it here. Good info for overwhelm
cm - I have had so many sudden deaths with it is almost the norm for me, but still is shocking. Sorry about your family illness. I am sure it is hard for your mum to grasp. Hope you had a good Christmas and the new Year is good.
mollyj -welcome - and come and vent anytime. It does help. No doubt that your situation is wearing you down. It sounds like much too much. Can you arrange to have someone come in on the evenings/over night? Even if your husband will not go for counselling it would probably help if you do and he might come along after you start, though I wouldn't hold my breath. Might be worth talking to mil's doctor about another laxative that does not cramp. Many of us here have inconsiderate - to say the least - relatives. It does make things harder. I can sense that you are getting burned out. Please look into getting more help. Can you keep a record of the hours you put in after 4 and then show it to your husband and tell him you cannot continue? You must be able to get out in the evenings and do things for you sometimes and have some breaks in the evenings/nights. Do you and your husband have a date night or anything like that? A marriage or an individual so not do very well without some recreation - all work and no play... ((((((((hugs))))))))
overwhelm - you should take your own advise - definitely :) and then come back and tell us how you did
margeaux -yes that is the friend I have visited in E'ton. I have many good memories... and I shall miss our meals together. I know my son, and I think dil, understood. I canceled out of going to my daughter's today too as I have a cough that isn't going away fast enough, and I need to be OK to go to my friend's funeral. We have to look after ourselves. Never worry about misspelling - I am the cyber queen of typos! ;) Glad your husband was happy with the roast. Gary's eyes light up when I mention doing a turkey. "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach" - so true. I think you are very sensible to stay home with when you have a bug. That is part of the reason I didn't go to my daughter's. I don't want to give this to them, and I don't want to get anything they may have. There will be little children there - not just hers, and often kids have colds etc. Thankfully, my daughter was understanding and we had a great chat on the phone to catch up. I do not understand why your sis wants to take your mum to your brother's when everyone has a bug - doesn't make sense to me.
As always - take care of you. As caregivers, we tend to put others first and we need to put ourselves first sometimes to survive. (((((hugs))))))

Don't know why I am leaving such a space after some posts - will have to check in future. Still getting used to the new computer.

A little update on my mother. I sent her a nice flower arrangement and got three phone calls today. I let them go to voice mail. With my friend just having died, I just can't handle mother. I thought she would be complaining about the flowers, but she didn't mention them. Then I remembered something I read on DONM, I think, that if you do something for a narcissist, they immediately think you have "softened" and start demanding more things of you again. You know "Give them an inch and they take a mile", but I always say mother takes 10 miles. Mother insisted that she needs help with ordering her groceries and complained that the home care ladies do not prepare her food properly. She says they ask her what she wants them to do. I am sure they do this as she criticises them so much, and they may have been instructed to ask her what she wants. She has a shopper who is a very nice lady, and, since mother has been assessed as competent I think she is capable of drawing up a grocery list. Mother was hinting that she was having trouble with that. You can't have it both ways! Either she is competent or she isn't. Her area of incompetence is more emotional than intellectual. She says that in the place she wants to go they will draw up the list, do the shopping, do the cooking, and provide her with the food she needs. it makes a nice story, and I am the big bad wolf who is preventing her from getting this. I will call the manager at the place she want to move to and ask him details about the home care and provision of food. He said to me before that they hire an agency to do home care, so it likely is not much different to what she has now. Mother tends to hear what she wants to. Last week she said she had a unit in mid January - not so, not till many months later. I will also call mother's case manager regarding the food services she would get at this other place. If she keeps on saying I am not doing my job, I will suggest she find someone else to do it.

On another note, something about my friend has been on my mind. The last few times I spoke to her there was a subtle difference in her. It is hard to explain, but I felt that she was not as good cognitively. It was not much, and was in the higher functions - evaluation and planning. One things was that she arranged a time for us to meet, and I thought it would not work for her from something else she had told me about, but agreed as I thought she knew her schedule better than I did. Then she called me back some time later having realised that it wouldn't work, and we set another time. I have known her over 45 years, and that surprised me. She always kept a calendar with her events on it. On the last phone call we had, she said she only drove routes she was very familiar with in the city. Once, a couple of years ago, picking me up at her son's (my godson's) place she got lost on the way back to her place. She had been to her son's house before. It shocked me. She lived in that city nearly 50 years. I hadn't lived there for over 30 years, but I was the one who found the way out to more familiar streets.Then, I was thinking about why she did she choose to drive a 4 hour trip when the road conditions were so bad. She was one who watched the news and the weather reports like a hawk, and would never go far when the conditions were bad. It was totally unlike her to go on a long drive in bad conditions, and I mean very icy roads and freezing rain. She could have left it a day or two till the roads improved. All of this adds up to me that she was in the early stages of failing cognitively. All the more reason it was not a bad thing for her to pass on. I take some comfort from that. I have decided I will not drive the road south again. Not that I couldn't, especially in the better weather, but there are too many road idiots, to put it plainly, out there, and I don't want to take the chance. There are more and more accidents, and even though the highway is being twinned, a significant number of accidents are single vehicle ones or wildlife related. Twinning won't stop those.
The joys of living in the north and growing older. Take care all

Maybe these awful family situations have come to us for our own spiritual growth. Learning to untangle the FOG patterns, the abuse patterns, to develop inner strength and also compassion, learning to love your self without fear or shame, knowing you are not responsible for others happiness. You might influence them. You can learn not to throw fuel on their fire by being defensive and getting sucked into their negative behaviors. Silence is fine. I hold my soul and give myself a inner hug when I see the mental anguish of my mother. I cannot heal her. I can offer kindness. The hardest thing is to give up my desire to tell her all my hurt feelings.
I imagine an altar where I can bundle up all my negative feelings about my family. I can give it to God. He knows it doesn't belong to me. He burns it up for me and is unharmed. Do you have a photo of a spiritual person whose eyes are full of love? I look into Christ's eyes, or Paramahansa Yogananda, or any saint, and you will see your own wisdom and love there. It's all untouched, intact, and ever yours. And there is some strength in having it all to yourself in a way. Seems like God set it up so that inner peace cannot ever be fully shared with others. I find a lot of comfort in knowing there is one entity that will never let me down. My goal is to have more compassion for others and less concern for myself. But allowing others to use you, abuse you and so on is not right either. That defiles your inner spirit. That is what I believe in my present state of ignorance and today's wisdom.

thanks for sharing, judda. It is a spiritual journey for sure, as all life is. I have found that there can be a very fine line to walk between not allowing abuse and remaining available. It can be very difficult to negotiate. I know my God will not let me down either, and He has the answers that I seek.

I am so glad I came across this site. I am reading all the topics and I feel my understanding widen. I think no matter what Mom has done, said, or whatever her mental problem is, I can still take charge of myself and keep trying to forgive and be as loving as I can. Most of the time I am tripping over my disappointment, resentments, and a whole slew of things I didn't think Juddabuddha had! I see there is an opportunity for creating as much love within as I can. Even if I am criticized, I have to learn that detachment. It's like he sweet spot in a tennis hit. Balance. Whew. What a challenge!

I am off to Maine tomorrow. Mom did not have her usual temper tantrum. Whatever happens is fine. I told her it was about work: which part of it is, but mostly it's about being with my loving friends. How odd that my mother can't stand the thought of my having loving friends or my being away from her, while when I am with her, she is almost anything but relaxed and loving! Gosh. How can humans make the beauty of loving and simplicity so tough?

Hi judda - yes, we have to be responsible for ourselves. Ongoing forgiveness is part of it and with people with mental/emotional problems we also have to be self protective. We do have some negative emotions in response to the challenges, we are human, and have to keep working on them. Detachment takes continual work I find, but gets easier with practice. Acceptance of the other as they are is another work in progress. I like your analogue of the sweet spot in a tennis hit. I used to play tennis and hitting that spot is so satisfying - a good golf hit is the same and they are much more effortless. Yes, we are faced with challenges continually in this life. Sounds like your mother is narcissistic and as such will never be satisfied, nor can she stand anyone coming before her in your life. I am glad you are making a trip to friends. We all need that support. and break. You might find the site called daughtersofnarsissiticmothers helpful. Google that phrase and you will find it. It helped me and others to see the "games" that are being played, and then how not to engage in them. You do wonder how and why some people can make life so tough. My mother has to make a battle out of everything - it is her illness and makes her life and the lives of those around her very difficult. If I go away she has to create a crisis hoping I will come back and fix it. It is all about attention and being the center of the universe

Have a great time in Maine! (((((((hugs))))))

Welcome to the posters. I hope to catch up more next week. I am sorry for all of you who had/have so much stress leading up to Christmas and following it. It really is sad that families just can't understand that spending time together is more important than where it takes place, who is doing the cooking,etc. Some of you have situations that are more difficult than what is listed, I am sorry for that as well.

My niece will not know anything new until next week.

The way I understand my sister's situation with work is that her being fired is a formality so she can access her 401K. Then they rehire her as a part-time employee. She seems happy about doing it this way and I hope it works for her in the long run.

Shopping with sis went ok. Work called wanting me to come in earlier than 4pm. I agreed to coming in at 1pm. It ended up rushing my sister too much because she is so slow. I was not much faster really, LOL!!...my right knee is very painful today. I may not go in tomorrow if it is not better, using ice tonight. The pain is not an ache associated with arthritis, it is a random shooting pain from my knee up to middle thigh. It happens depending on how I move my leg or knee. This is why I think it may be a torn meniscus. Enough complaining about pain.

Joan, you sound positive about your friend passing, I know it still hurts but knowing she is in a better place is good. I probably will not get out to the cemetery until Monday. I want to copy and paste your poem on Facebook.

Margeaux, I can understand your confusion with your sister wanting to take your mother over to your brother's house with the flu going full force. What is she thinking??

Love and hugs to everyone!!

Food for thought: Life's problems come and go, but too often we take on someone else's drama when what we need to do is detach with love and walk away. Lisa K. Fox

Overwhelm,

Welcome to the thread.
You have been given some terrific advice from Emjo.
What I'm noticing from your post, is the fact that it appears you ask permission from your mother. May I so politely suggest that you try another approach. Of course if your mother and this husband of hers, are so demanding,
and they get the feeling you ask them for permission, they will continue to do this.
Setting some boundaries is very important, and then you do have to stick to them.
It's important, or try making it important enough to comb your hair. These things while, we may think we'll get this done after we've made lunch for mother, tended to her spoiled husband, etc., then before you know it, it's five hours later, and you realize you haven't combed your hair, no......this is not the way to go.
You do need to make this a priority for yourself. Never feel that other's needs prevail over yours, especially the basics.
Is there any way, that you could look into some other type of arrangement concerning your mom's care? According to your description, the current one doesn't sound reasonable, and you may want to consider doing something to that end, before it escalates any further.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Thanks, Emjo. I've learned a lot from you. You tend to bring up info often. I remember thinking FOG did not apply to me when I first read it from you a while back. The same applied for setting boundaries. I just didn't pay attention. Then, I think, I reached the stage when I became aware what FOG truly meant. And I spent HOURS backspacing trying to find your comments on it! The same applied with setting boundaries. Now, I know better. When you find something useful, and post it here, I just automatically cut/paste it to my Files with the weblink for faster finding. Every time I post here of my bad memories, I get really really depress. I regretted posting such personal info. I should have just kept it within..especially the one with father going to choke me. Out of sight, out of mind, bury it deep and not think about it....

Emjo,

Yes, I couldn't understand why my sister would decide to take mother to our brother's house, everybody being sick. But I have written about this inordinate need on my sister's behalf.......that she'll bother to drive mom to both our brother's homes. They as far as I know see her less than I do. So my sister will accommodate them. I don't say this either, because I expect my sister to bring mom to my place, but i't's just an interesting observation I make in the overall picture of things as to how my sister relates to me vs. my brothers where mom is concerned.

I was talking to an older cousin who has been close to our family. She reminded me, that aside from my sister being the ultimate control freak, she has a martyr complex too. It is really important for her to put out all the smoke about her martyrdom. What a heavy role she has chosen for herself!

This made me laugh, that G's eyes light up when it comes to a turkey.
My husband's eye's lit up, when he saw me preparing the roast. My little carnivore. Well, you served as an inspiration.....with your stories about dissecting that moose! HAAH! That was hilarious.

O.K., Emjo get better, I'm slowly coming out of mine too, finally!

Hugs,
Hang in there!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux