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Juddabuddah,

Welcome. I absolutely love what you have written.
I personally love the Paramahansa and Buddha's teachings.
It is important that we hopefully approach life with some kind of spiritual practices.
I too use some meditational techniques for dispersing negative energies.
I didn't use this in the past, and must admit that it helps to center me, when I'm feeling scattered about life.

Thank you for sharing your wisdom,
Much Love & LIght! Margeaux
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Sharynmarie,

I know it's been a stressful time for you.
Well, it is good to hear that your sister is o.k., with this decision and her work.

I'm really thinking about you today, I go through the same thing also when it's dad's anniversary of his passing, which is coming up in March.
Really happy for you that your mom seemed calm during Christmas.

Oh.....my sister! I'm done analyzing her! I know what's there, and that's that!
I just have to be alert not to get swept up into that melodrama.

Hope your knee improves, this must be very painful.
You're in my thoughts!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Joan I am so sorry about your friend and she has been spared possible dementia-God is in control. My Christmas was great-I had so many years of bad ones-this one was a blessing spending it with C. one sad thing was my brothers health-it does not look good-my sister was going to visit him -the first new grandchild was going to visit but my brother may be too sick so I am trying to arrange something last mininte-taking them out to dinner on Sunday.
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I spent Christmas at the Pick Wick theatre restaurant,
tried to see a movie but ours was sold out,
and others were too late, did not see other people but our 86 year old and her son.
Ate pie at bakers square for dessert and had a nice long drive in the car until bed time.
What peace...none of her other children....
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Margeaux~Thank you, I don't really get depressed on this day, I do have lots of memories that flood my mind though.

I can't get in to the dr. until next Friday. It was better this morning but is now starting to hurt again, too late to call off now.

Gotta go, have a good day everyone!!
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Man, can I relate to dysfunction and other issues being discussed. Today, I had the pleasure of having my mom call the police to our house. Fortunately, the police assessed the situation very well, and I was not hauled away in handcuffs. :chuckle:: Mom is the one with abusive tendencies. She will escalate very quickly if she gets caught in a lie or can't have her way. She will lie if the truth doesn't serve her agenda, bully or physically attack. This was the first time I didn't cajole or plead with her to not call the police. This is all a result of my placing boundaries for myself and for her. She told the police she wished she was dead. That resulted in a firetruck and EMS ambulance pulling up and she was whisked away for a suicide assessment. She had a grand time regaling the police and hospital staff with her charm (reserved for practically anyone else but me) and life story. I didn't know what else to do so I went to the usual Friday lunch with my best friend. Got home, received a call from the hospital, answered the social workers questions and was told that mom was released, and to come and pick her up. She is healthy enough for going on 90, on no meds and has no disabilities other than age. She refuses to go to the doctor, won't allow strangers (health aids or other help in her home, unless she's bored and wants to talk). ::whrrrrrr:: What now? I know I have some hard thinking to do.
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Hi All,
I haven't posted in a while. As we all are, I've been overwhelmed with my dysfunctional family and dealing with my mother's progressing Dementia.

Although our situations are different. The holiday's seems to be stressful on those of us dealing with Dementia/Altz and other age related diseases/issues.
The period between Thanksgiving and New Years are very stressful for me on top of being my 78 year old mother, who suffers from Dementia, full time caregiver. My brother and I just go through the motions. It's not a very pleasant time but my mother insists on decorating etc. Going through the motions, setting boundaries, detaching (with love) when necessary, are things I had to do to take care of me.
It's hard when you see other's and commercials "bragging" (if you will) over how wonderful the holiday's are.
All I can say is THANK GOODNESS THEY ARE ALMOST OVER! Once the holiday decorations are down and it's Jan 2, I will feel a huge relief.
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P.S. I've learned to detach from my mother's narcissist behavior amplified by her progressing Dementia, but have periods where I react and get angry, however they are few compared to the beginning.
The holiday's have been historically dysfunctional and a depressing time for me. The elephant always in the room and my mom pretending like nothings growing up---the holiday's HAD to continue in her eyes.
So...by brother & I are learning that there is only so much we can do, and some things we just have to let go. We just do the best we can. And because both of our lives are on hold as we are both taking more time to figure out a system that works for him and myself as we are the caregivers until our mother will tolerate a aide to come in. It's impossible right not as it just cause her to become combative. As long as she thinks she's running the show...things are relatively ok.
Driving is STILL an issue. She brings it every few weeks and makes comments to her friends that she will be driving again in the New Year (SIGH)
She refuses to go to her primary care doctor and goes to another doctor (one of her primary doctor's colleagues). She says her primary doctor that she LOVED and referred all of her friends to was brainwashed by me over her illness and everything is my fault because I told him she's sick etc.
She has no recollection of being hospitalized and being diagnosed with the acute UTI, suffered a TMI/TMA, almost went in to renal failure and was diagnosed with Dementia (that was underlying but masked by my mother over the past 3 years).
I'm trying to let go of this as she will never remember what happened. My father says her friends know the real situation and not to worry about her talking negatively about me.
Her sister (who also has Dementia) is still a problem. I no longer communicate with her. I often have to block her telephone number when she tells my mother to find another Dr. that will let her drive and that she does not need me or my brother her and that she should be paying her own bills. We find when my mother's sister is not "stirring the pot" with her phone calls, things are SO PEACEFUL! My mother will call her sister from time to time, but since they both don't remember a think. The call blocking seems to be working. I only block it when things have gotten totally out of control and my aunt has worked my mother up to the point where it's unbearable for me and my brother to deal with.
I hate to say this, however, knowing she is probably not going to remember things from day to day (sometimes hour to hour) helps when she's had an episode about her driving or paying bills.
Thanks for letting me vent and I hope these post help some of you.
We are not alone.
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Shivaya~You handled that very well. My suggestion is to continue to let your mother call the police, let her continue to tell them she wishes she were dead. Your mother got the attention she wanted at the ER. Next suggest a phych evaluation. You called her bluff and keep doing it, eventually the police and hospital will turn it over for a phych evaluation. Your mother won't find an evaluation so much fun when she has to stay for a week or more as they evaluate her mental state and start her on meds to control her behavior. The good part is the meds will probably help her if you can keep her on them.
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Thanks, Sharynmarie......it's quite the journey. My counselor has been telling me to move out along. "I want you out of my house" is what I hear every time she gets angry over any number of things, wrong or invented. I'm stubborn and have been resisting the idea. Finally accepting the idea that I am not wanted, ever, and never really was is the most painful part of this whole deal. Yesterday was a real wakeup call, so I will be thinking hard and long while looking at options for both of us. It may take some time, but she will get what she wants.
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Shivaya would you be able to leave her house and go elsewhere-just you telling her that you want to leave may wake her up-she needs you and and as long as she can not see this she will not change-it is working for her -she has her slave and thing just the way she wants it and does not have to give an inch on her side-if you can not leave learn to detach-try not to respond she wants to fight I am sure-try turning away as if her words can not hurt-the last trip we took with Mom she yelled at me all the time but could be so nice to others-they thought she was the sweetest little old lady-one time I just did not respond and said to myself she has no power over me-I am taking my power back-what a freeing thing that was-I did the same with the husband also before he passed away detatching lets you step away -I use to tell myself I do not deserve this treatment and you do not deserve it-these people think they can treat you badly because you are not going anywhere-you may have to use the nursing home card-maybe it is time for you to go into a nursing home where you will get the care you think you need-that may be enough to wake her up-the sky will not fall if you stand up for yourself-and believe me it gets easier very fast-when she spouts off walk away-that will make her think-good luck to you.
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Shivaya~Moving out would be the best thing for your mental health and self-esteem. If you have to save up for a deposit on an apartment, do so. In the meantime, check out this website for information on detaching with love and setting boundaries...daughtersofnarcissisticmothers Keep seeing your counselor. Come here to vent. Hugs to you!!
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Broken,

I was reading what you posted about 3 days ago. It was very beautiful, and thanks for sharing this.

My mother while we were young was very demanding of my sister and me.
Yes, she was verbally abusive, and knew how to play one person against another, and all of what is described within narcissism. I too, as a kid into early teenage wished, and hoped to see a loving mother. But one day it just hit me, actually I'd probably had these moments over and over again since I was very young, and had not noticed them. But all of these moments added up to that day, when I knew in my mind, that this is who she really was, no matter the reasons, or diagnosis'.

I think that in this if we are trying to take the spiritual journey, it's more beneficial for everyone concerned, especially you, that we just don't expect much of them. This may not sound easy, but believe me....the more one takes on this attitude, the more manageable it becomes. I'm not sure what your mom has, e.g.,
Dementia, Alz, or some other mental disorder. So, as I've often tried to quell my sister's desire for mother to show more appreciation, acknowledgment......and mom just doesn't in many instances go there. I have had to remind her over and over again, that I really think some of this comes also from (our case Alz), and mom is 92. There's a part of my sister that doesn't like hearing this from me, either because she lives w/mom, I don't. However, I do visit and relieve for caregiving. Anyway, certainly changing your perspective as to how you view your mother could help. But about telling her you want to go away, definitely these are boundaries, you may want to start putting in place with her.

Stay strong,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Oh, I'm sorry if I gave the impression that I am relatively new to the caregiver situation. I was taking care of her transportation and getting out to socialize needs for several years, from my own place. I moved in with her at her request a little over a year ago. That was one of the few mistakes I've made recently regarding mom. There have been no new or unexpected tricks out of her bag since I was a kid. ::chuckle:: She will snarl, pout and play the sufferer for a day or 3 and her attitude will change when there is something she wants to or go somewhere. It is still painful or frustrating for me sometimes, but mostly I just wait it out and do what I want or need to do for me. She still can't accept that I am no longer afraid of her anger, threats etc. Part of my role has been to protect her from her actions. The incident with the police should never been one to guard her from of in the past. Has she learned anything from this, I doubt it, however, I found it freeing.
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Oh, I'm sorry if I gave the impression that I am relatively new to the caregiver situation. I was taking care of her transportation and getting out to socialize needs for several years, from my own place. I moved in with her at her request a little over a year ago. That was one of the few mistakes I've made recently regarding mom. There have been no new or unexpected tricks out of her bag since I was a kid. ::chuckle:: She will snarl, pout and play the sufferer for a day or 3 and her attitude will change when there is something she wants to or go somewhere. It is still painful or frustrating for me sometimes, but mostly I just wait it out and do what I want or need to do for me. She still can't accept that I am no longer afraid of her anger, threats etc. Part of my role has been to protect her from her actions. The incident with the police should never been one to guard her from of in the past. Has she learned anything from this, I doubt it, however, I found it freeing.
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New2Dementia,

You and your brother are doing the best one can do.
Within the parameters of what is going on in your situation, I don't think it's wrong for you to take consolation in the fact your mom doesn't remember especially about whether she can continue to drive. I can totally understand this.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Shivaya,

I'm of the firm belief that in difficult situations as yours, once we are willing to allow all those negative emotions stare us straight in the face, like fear, the unknown, etc., but we still stare right back at it, and as you've done......you're just not allowing your mother's actions to rule your world. So in essence this is what many psychologists, and spiritual teachings mean when they talk about taking our power back.

I sure wish my sister could have had this attitude when she was in charge of our mom's sister. She was real bad!!! She threatened so many times, about calling the police on my sister, myself and other caregivers. But unfortunately, my sister who is a control freak, found it more important to play tug of war with this battle ax, (my name for her). She died 2 yrs., ago. I used to hear about the fights she and my sister had, blow by blow. My sister's need for drama, didn't help, and made matters unbearable. One last time when I heard from her the battle ax was making this threat, I told my sister, "You ought to tell her, to go right ahead and call them." Really, my aunt's abuse had become so bad, and inclusive of outsiders, like even the neighbors, by telling them she was being abused by my sister, and the hired CG's, which wasn't true in any way, shape or form! She was such a liar, when she didn't get her way! But my point is.....we can choose to become an adversary, or we can take the bull by the horns. Besides, when a rebellious elder gets to this point, I personally think it better that some of this becomes documented.

Anyway, I'm learning by using some meditations, and release of lots of things that can be spiritually toxic to we, the people who need to stay healthy to deal with much of this. It's important!

I'm very happy that we have a new member of our thread, who thinks this way!

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Thanks Margeaux! I love the clearsightedness of many comments I've read. Meditation is one of the earliest tools in my personal toolbox. I doubt I'd have come so far ( re becoming the caregiver) without it. :) I still wrestle with mom's need for drama at times, and I will join right in from time to time. The buttons remain, but we do get better with practice.
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So remember I had written of the neighbor who died back in October, here on our property? Well, another neighbor, S and I'll call the deceased L, for this conversation. S and L were friends since they were 10 yrs., old. They'd moved to our state from Chicago. As the years passed their friendship deteriorated. They both were at fault. S is very controlling and selfish. L, was from a very dysfunctional family, which included alcoholism. She was a recovering alcoholic.
But when she got off the booze, she became hooked to pharmaceuticals since she had serious osteoarthritis, and severe depression.

After she died, S contacted me and my husband. I can't believe that after L died, S appears to have either been elected by L's family members back in Chicago,
or maybe S just took it upon herself to go into L's apartment, to get rid of/distribute L's personal belongings.
So we got a call from S during the last few weeks. I am L's stature, so I already suspected that she was going to offer me some of L's clothes, etc. Sure enough......she was offering me some shoes.
I am against wearing other peoples hand me downs, or accepting this kind of thing, especially if the person it belonged to was very toxic and sick. Unfortunately, our deceased neighbor L, totally fit the bill. But I didn't want to enter into any kind of dialogue about this, w/S. She offered me a pair of boots, never been used, but they didn't fit. There were another pair of also brand new
sneakers that fit. Anyway, call me chicken I didn't want to get into a fuss as to why I wouldn't accept this offer by S, so I took them. So I had the shoes in the corner where I've other of my own shoes. I felt some negative energy, during the Christmas season, and I was under the weather. But I mulled over the fact I now had possession of these shoes. Well yesterday, I put them in a bag......I took them out to our back alley, so someone can have them. I do chant for this neighbor's spirit, but I just couldn't keep this energy around my space. Call me crazy, but the energy here, does feel lighter.

May L'ls spirit soar very high!
I'm going to burn some sage.

Much Love & LIght! Margeaux
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Shivaya,

You're quite welcome. I too use these tools. I use several, one being the EFT technique by Gary Craig. It works with the meridians from traditional chinese medicine, which I just love to read about. Different techniques work for different people.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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We are having a Super Moon, tomorrow. It's a new moon, so it's the time to set our intentions and send them out to the universe. So light that candle, and make your wishes, whatever they may be.

To this end I'd like to wish everyone a very Blessed New Year for 2014.
I wish all of you Love, Abundance, Good Health, Opportunities and whatever else you may desire. So light up that candle, burn your sage!

Most of all, Happy New Year!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Margeaux-
I never heard of burning the sage until this forum! So I checked it out on the internet. Hmmm, wish I had known that this was all it would take, would have done it long ago! I'm more the type to burn the candle at both ends and become angry and resentful about it!

I am hoping to find new peace and purpose in 2014. Let go of the past, and seize the future with a renewed attitude!
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Margeaux, I love reading what you write. It is in many cases as though I am following your path and I relate to so much of what you share. I was lucky enough to meet a new friend. She is a Dr of Chinese medicine and has taught me some cleansing meditations and guven me protection sprays to use in my space and they really work. I have see the change in my entire family !!! I am just getting back from taking my 91 yr old Mom to mass and getting ready to relax with a good movie to quietly ring in 2014. And yes I will be burning some sage. God Bless you and all here.
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Just thought I'd stop by and wish everyone a happy new year! I think of ya'll often. Love, hugs, prayers for all.
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Here's wishing everyone a Happy New Year and an improvement in all situations.

Heading south for a few days tomorrow. It will trigger a lot of memories as I often would see my friend when there, but you have to go with what you have in hand. I am hoping the funeral will be when I am down there, to save another trip and also to have G there for support. It will be a mixed bag.

Mother may be reaching a point where she can't use her credit card anymore. It seems she has forgotten the pin number again - that's the third time in 6 months. I may have to deal with it when I am down there. But I don't want to get sucked into anything she really doesn't need just for the attention/drama. This has happened before. She acts helpless, and you intervene and then all of a sudden she is as capable as can be and rips into you for interfering.

Take it easy, everyone. I am having a quiet evening, watching a movie and packing for tomorrow. (((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
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Wishing everyone a Happy, safe New Year and prayers that our struggles will be less.

Busy hectic day at work, but am home now relaxing with the heating pad on my lower back, and YES, I am drinking a beer, Hahaha!

I picked up 2 three ft. artificial trees on clearance for $5.00 each. Going to use them next year to put the ornaments my kids made when they were little. I don't want to throw them out, and I know my son doesn't want the ornaments he made. My daughter said she wants them, so someday I will pass them on to her.

Have a good night!!
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Margeaux~Just out of curiosity, does the super moon have any significance with astrology? You have mentioned mercury in retrograde so I assume you follow astrology. Just curious!!
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Happy New Year everyone. The phone calls have started already. Mother has been asking for help with her finances, bill paying etc. - which sounds very reasonable - it always does. BUT, every time in the recent past that I have responded to her requests for help, she has "turned coat", created drama and lambasted me for interfering. So I am being very cautious here. I doubt she will starve. There is a branch of her bank in the mall complex her ALF is attached to, and worst comes to worst she can go there and get some cash to pay for her groceries and her taxis. After all, she is competent! This morning was another plea for her to move, as her ALF is not a good place for her to be. Let me tell you, the one she wants to move to is worse. I am tempted to change my phone number... and give the new one to her ALF in case of real need, but not to her.
Flying south this morning which will at least be en improvement in the weather. Minus 36 F feels like minus 47 with wind chill. I may freeze solid walking to the plane. We have a small airport and usually have to walk outside on the runway to get to the plane. E'ton is plus 1 and in the pluses for most of the rest of the week. It will feel like the Caribbean to me!
have a great day! ((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
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Minus 35F - Emjo my teeth are chattering just typing that… Insane temperature for human beings to be living in, good grief. Hurry up and get to tropical Edmonton… Which is only 20 degrees colder than my fridge…

When's that cruise, again?! Happy 2014, and happy memories of your friend.
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Thanks cm - the temps are insane for people to be living in. Edmonton is much bearable most of the winter. Ft Mc is unbearable too much of the winter.

G can expect a reaction if the cruise doesn't pan out. I need to get away. Even 10 days in Feb. would be a huge break. Now I have to figure out where to go in January! That's the thing about living up here - there are jobs and well paying jobs, but actually living here is the pits, so you have to get away sometimes. If people could find jobs for the same money in a better climate they would not be here.

Having mixed feelings about the trip to E'ton because of my friend, but I got to do it. Putting off those things doesn't help and I do want to see G and go to the dinner theatre. Bags packed - ready to go.

Hope 2014 is a great year for you.
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