The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

H2H, I was where you are now about a month ago. I found a housitting job for 10days that got me out if the house. Took my dog too. It helped a bit but nothing will change enough to satisfy me. Compromise and the belief that I am doing the right thing is what keeps me going. I feel and share your pain. Good luck getting them to catch a glimpse of light/reality. We see not alone.

We are not alone. (((Darn auto spell check)))

H2H ten years is enough -tell her she has to make other arrangments-maybe a nice nursing home where she will have things her way-not and the staff will not worry about her feelings.

Go Heart 2 Heart! Time to heal yourself and become born again, giving to yourself alone. My New Year's resolution: no more F.O.G horns! Guilt trips don't work on me. Other people manipulating me: doesn't work. I am in charge of myself. Reclaim your life. Hurray! 10 years of misery: yah, good for you. Time for caregiving to yourself. Just as, if not more important!!

Sharynmarie,

I completely agree with Austin about being sure you are not her only best friend.
On the one hand, it's apparent you sympathize with her. But she is your co-worker, and from your description it sounds as if her personal problem of being more pro-active about her own life is affecting her attitude where work is concerned. Whose being affected? You, and other co-workers. So you may want to make that like your mantra.

You know this neighbor I've written about, falls into this category. She lives alone, and has a daughter who lives and works close by. Daughter and her grand daughters are very unconcerned about my neighbor, especially when she's really needed some kind of personal attention, with some health issues.

She went on a real drinking binge during Christmas. One day, we'd gone to the store together, and she bought about 8 bottles of wine, saying they were for Christmas gifts. She invited me for a glass that evening, and I accepted. Well,
she just about finished the whole bottle. Next day, I went over there.....and she'd gone through 2 bottles in one night. It's was then, I decided that I am no longer going to give her as a gift anymore wine, because she really has a problem.
I haven't seen her much last few days. But last night my husband tells me that apparently a mirror on a door she has which was pretty large, broke. It's unclear to me, according to how my husband explained it to me, how this happened. When I discovered this out......I immediately thought, she must have been drinking when this happened. Anyway, she too doesn't take any kind of active steps, to join a senior center. She watches way too much tv, and it seems to be the time she decides to have her booze. She too has complained about her daughter's lack of involvement. Her daughter is a cold person, always working,
and isn't the warm and cuddly type. But yes, I do often wonder what that relationship is all about, given her mom's drinking habit. Anyway, my point is that I think every one of us needs to be responsible about our own happiness. I used to hang out more w/this lady, as in helping her driving her to local stores. But on account of the drinking, her moods sometimes are too much for me to deal with.
She also likes to become a back seat driver in my car, something I really dislike.
One day it just about became a discussion that I SHOULD have gone left, onto a street since SHE thought this would be faster. Mind you, we still were not done w/the shopping trip that day. I became bold, and asked her, "Who's driving?"
I then told her too, that I didn't like being told where and how to drive. Heck this a damn favor to this lady, she's having eye problems, which compromises she being able to do it for herself.

Anyway, be very aware too that sometimes even if we who choose to do these good deeds, isn't any guarantee it will be met with, as in your case, the reciprocal effect of she being more dutiful on the job, instead of trying to recruit everyone else to pick up her slack.

Nowadays, I try to be very choosy about who I want to call friend.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Heart2heart,

Welcome to this thread. This has got to be more than rough.
As you said, it is the New Year. So maybe you need to make some major changes, around your situation. Please don't let her treat you like a doormat.
So she gambles? I find that many times people who like this kind of activity have other addictions, which also may make matters worse.
Anyway, do come back and share more about your story. We are here to support you.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

I have a narcissistic mother also, but she is not my 86 year old, whom I am caring for. My mother recently in October, let me know, how affective, infected she is and while I have been pulling back in recent years, I have effectively detached.

My mother while at my Aunts (her sister) house, (Aunt celebrating her 50 wedding anniversary went from restaurant to home) decided this was the perfect setting, to announce to me, that I was not in a good place, POA because I did not envelope something, I did not know existed.

Q: What is this juicy tidbit, you might ask, that exclude and eluded me almost all of my life?

A: I didn't fulfill her fantasy (my judgement call) of not knowing my father...
I was 12 by the time (my mother and 2nd dad) they married and can remember things far back...

My younger sister who was three at the time of the divorce has no recollection of my father and only acknowledges, the second father, as her only father, our birth father has been excessively shunned from being the parent he could have been by our mother, but that was her choice.

So because I cannot fulfill her fantasy (of acknowledging one father, but have always acknowledged both my fathers) how could I have ever known something like this existed, since all three of us, girls were fathered by the same man) that I was stripped of being her daughter???

Just when you think the dysfunction isn't enough, you find out the reason for the dysfunction doesn't even make any sense...

Iwentanon,

WOW! Just when one thinks the dysfunction is bad enough, it gets even worse!
I'm really happy to hear that you have detached, and can really see it for what it is,
congratulations for that!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

As far as the lady who drinks too much -you really can't take her word for anything-maybe her family have tried to help her and she resises any help-you can continue to help her as you see fit-you might have to detatch a little from this friendship if you find it is upsetting you.

Been MIA - between dealing with the cold, my friends death, and G and his work and horse commitments, I haven't had a lot to give.

The funeral is this morning. I finally found the obit in the paper at the end of last week. G will come with me and we will drive home tomorrow. I am very thankful for his support.

The cold weather and wind chill followed me down here - just about as bad as at home, but it broke yesterday and today will go up to 23F. Balmy!!! But, it meant I stayed in the hotel when I was hoping to get out and around a little.

We enjoyed both shows . Elvis in the first one came and gave me a couple of hugs and said he had seen my sequins from the stage lol. (sequinned top). So yesterday I didn't wear sequins, but our table was right up against the stage. I got spotted and as part of the act the Elvis in that show (History of Rock and Roll) knelt down and kissed my hand, so I did well, and that kind of attention does make a lady feel good even if you know it is part of the act.

Chatted on the phone to the director of mother's ALF and had a very long chat with the health and wellness coordinator, Laura. We all are on the same page and think mother's executive functions are deteriorating. They are not impressed with her being assessed competent and say you need to see her for more than a few hours to be able to do a proper assessment.

H2H - good to see you here and looking at making a decision that is good for you. We knock ourselves out doing things for people who don't appreciate what we do and only see negatives... Someone else can look after them and get the negatives.

judda -no more FOG - good for you

iwentanon - that is dysfunctional for sure -but any port in a storm, They will always find a reason to blame you

Sharyn, Margeaux, Austin, anyone I have missed - more later. Need to get ready for the funeral. Wish me luck.

Everyone - do something good for you today. ((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))

Emjo, in spite of everything you have going on, you sound like your dealing with it all rather well, good to know. Keep us posted God Bless you in you journey today and always!

Iwentanon, sorry know it hurts to be rejected, but when it's rejection from your family somehow it goes deep. Just don't cover up your feelings about it what ever they are, that's what will hurt you in the long run. I've taken the pass 3 days off haven't spoken to either parent already feel better. Guardianship was filed today, I'm putting the explosion to come out of my mind. Took a hot lavender tub now I'm relaxing going to take care of myself today, I've given me permission to have comfort in my soul!

Zoolife -good for you give yourself permission to have comfort -we all need to give ourselves permission to be treated nicely if that does not happen throw them out of your life. Emjo is an outstanding lady and a good friend to all of us.

Austin,

No, I've lived right next door to my neighbor for quite some time. Last year, she had two out patient procedures done, one being a venous surgery on her two legs. This required several visits to the hospital, plus follow up. Well, I and another friend of hers took her to all these appts. I understand, that her very busy daughter, possibly can't do some of this since she works full time. But I've witnessed a total lack of concern for her mom. During the recuperation time during these procedures, the daughter didn't come by, nor call. This has been consistent behavior by her daughter, since I've known my neighbor.

Yes, she can get on my nerves, but I do detach. I do care very much for her also.
She's a vulnerable type of person, having survived WWII, in Holland.
So long as I separate out what's happening, I'm o.k. It's the ying and yang about life.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Zoolife,

That sounds soooo good, a lavendar bath!
You've inspired me. I'm going to scub down my tub, and do a much needed salt bath. Yes it's a New Year, and maybe these are the things we need to remind ourselves to do for ourselves.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Visit with mom....

My husband & I brought over clean laundry and groceries to tide her over through this rough deep freeze we've been having here in MN. No "hello", no "thank you". It will just be easier if I run down everything in a list format. Some of this I know you've heard yourselves and can chuckle at. I put the comments that I said to myself in my head in brackets, but I didn't bother to say them out loud! Enjoy!

1. Your hair is too short. Why do you cut it so short - it looks like a boy. [I have hot flashes and prefer short hair, but I do not look like a boy!!] You look awful with that haircut.

2. Why do you have on a new coat [It's not new.] I don't have a new coat. I had a better coat than yours in NC but you wouldn't let me bring it. You said I had to leave it there because it wouldn't fit on the truck, but that's not the first time you lied to me. You just didn't want me to have it up here so it wouldn't be better than yours! [What the what?]

3. I'm out of poise pads. You need to bring me the super long overnight ones next time [which is the only kind I ever bring...] I hate these ones I have to use now. They don't work worth a damn and I'm just wet wet wet all the time. It goes up my back. [Especially when you don't change them and dont' get out of your recliner, which she is perfectly capable of doing.]

4. Bring me some more of those depends pull ups too. And those good night sticky sheets [that ruin everything they touch, but so be it...] I don't have enough quilts on my bed at night and my feet are cold and when I wet the bed I'm cold. [because the pull ups aren't the right brand or size for her, but she won't use the Tena super-duper high capacity ones that would keep her dry.]

5. Bring me my mother's quilts to put on my bed. I need to see where they are. [These quilts are antique from the 40s and so fragile. They are in my home, and going nowhere, especially not anywhere they could be peed on.] Mom - you have 5 quilts on the bed already... I don't care it's not enough. I want more so when I pee I'm still warm. [Groooossss!!]

6. That's not the orange juice I wanted [Yes, it is.]. I hate this stuff you brought me last time [Also what she asked for]. Take it away, it's too sweet and runs up my sugar. I want some orange juice that isn't so sugary. [She won't water it down.] Bring me apple juice too, but not one that will run up my sugar!! [Whoever invents this will make a fortune...]

7. I don't want to eat in the dining room anymore. That food is slop. It has no flavor and none of it tastes like anything. I don't know how you expect me to stay here and eat that slop. It's slop for pigs. You lied to me and said it would be good but it's just awful. Everybody says so. Nobody is eating down there anymore. [Except for the 35 people I saw in there on my way past....] Bring me something good. I'm not going down there again. I have to sit with these crabby old ladies down there and I don't like them and I don't like that slop. One of them [the old ladies] keeps asking me what day it is all the time and I'm going to fix her next time if she doesn't stop!

8. You won't take me to get my glasses adjusted. They ain't never been right since you made me get them [Her old glasses were broken, so I took her to pick them out herself, she loved them, and has gotten compliments on them.] I didn't want these but you wouldn't take me anywhere else to look so I guess I'm stuck with them even though they don't work right. I'll be stuck with that just like I'm stuck here in this hell hole prison. You got me trapped up here just like you planned and now I can't get out to do anything. [The door to this senior apartment building is open. If she wanted to go outside and not come back, she could. She won't even go out to activities around the corner on her floor, or to the beauty shop on site. Who is trapping who here?]

9. Come here and look at this rash. Look at it. Look - see, it's getting worse. It itches all the time and is about to drive me crazy. [There is no rash. None of us can figure out what it is, but she has prescription anti-itch cream. She's been tested for scabies, but the doctors are stumped. This is where she starts taking her shirt off right in front of my husband! Look away honey! Save yourself! ] Look on my back! See where it's getting worse. See on my head. Bring me lice shampoo so I can get these bugs off me. [There are no lice or any other bugs. She has sores she has scratched into her very thin skin, and she picks at those scabs all the time, so I'm sure when it is healing up, it is itchy which starts it all over again.] You don't care about this. You don't care . You have me stuck up in this prison with slop and I'm itching to death. You got it just like you want it but you better look out. Your day is coming. Your Day Is Coming young lady. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Blah blah blah blah......

I made a run for it at that point. I had a long day at work, two teenagers with teenager problems, and I just didn't have it in me to stay. So I left. My husband was right behind me. I didn't even look back. She is safe in a beautiful facility where people know who she is and care about her, in spite of her thorns. Her meds are prepared for her, she has food to eat, clean clothes to wear, and that is all I can do. Am I glad I don't have to put up with all that in my face at home all the time? 100% yes 100% of the time. I'd be insane if she was still living with me!

It was at this point I had finished putting the groceries away in her fridge, and was about to pass out from the room being at max heat. It had to be over 80 in there. My husband had gathered up the little bit of dirty laundry, which makes me wonder where on earth the rest of it really is for the week.

Zoolife~Yes a lavendar bath sounds wonderful!! I bought a bar of lavendar soap the other day, more for the smell than to use in a bath...but now you got me thinking, hmm.

Margeaux~I'm too much the introvert to allow this woman to be part of my daily life outside of work. Working with her is all I can handle most days.

Hugs to everyone, hope you are not in the freezing zone!!

One should not base conclusions on outward observations or say-sos from abusers- whether alcoholic, drugs or physically violent types. The neighbor's alcoholism sounds like she's reached a long journey and is now blacking out all the time. She can no longer hide it from non-family members. One does not know how this mother has treated her daughter in the privacy in the home...long before anyone outside of the family started seeing it.

My young niece's husband's mother is an alcoholic. We have warned her from the beginning to be careful when she's drinking. MIL keeps it all within the home. She decided to quit her job and have her young son take care of her because she's tired of working. Instead he moved out of the home with my niece and child to start their own new life. She had to get back to work and did.

Just recently, she went driving while intoxicated. And crashed. Niece, hubby and 2yr old son went to the accident site. Hubby gave the child to mom to carry despite the person saying that she was drunk. They all heard a loud thunk and the child wailing loudly. Grandma was bending over trying to pick him up again while niece quickly dashed in and grabbed him. MIL, tried to take him back apologizing. Niece refused. She will no longer leave her son alone with MIL because her drinking is getting worse.

One does not know what went on behind closed doors of your neighbor and her daughter.

thx zoo and Austin. Th

Thx Zoo and Austin, the funeral went well. It was good reconnecting with her family, and meeting her grandchildren. Unfortunately a young driver broad sided us on the way back to the hotel, so we are late getting away today waiting for a replacement rental. Both vehicles were damaged but not the people.

sandwich that is great - I know the routine, Doesn't matter what you do or say they have to top it with something negative. I am so glad she is not in your home - that would be too much!!!

Going to be a long night driving home. 5 pm here and we don't have another truck yet. We will likely get home after midnight. Hope the roads are decent.

Missng my fri

Thx Zoo and Austin, the funeral went well. It was good reconnecting with her family, and meeting her grandchildren. Unfortunately a young driver broad sided us on the way back to the hotel, so we are late getting away today waiting for a replacement rental. Both vehicles were damaged but not the people.

sandwich that is great - I know the routine, Doesn't matter what you do or say they have to top it with something negative. I am so glad she is not in your home - that would be too much!!!

Going to be a long night driving home. 5 pm here and we don't have another truck yet. We will likely get home after midnight. Hope the roads are decent.

Missing my friend and feeling sad but that is all in order. I know it will get better in time. Looks like I did another ooops again. Better shut down and start collecting things for the trip back.

Emjo, so glad you guys are safe no one hurt! Sharynmarie, Austin, Margeaux, good to hear from you, what a blessing each and everyone of you guys are to me! I'd have lost my mind completely by now if not for the kindness of friends willing to share their experience strength and hope with me here! Blessings and hugs!!!!

Book,

She doesn't have blackouts. I said she feels dizzy, but actually this is because she's neglected to take her BP meds, and goes for long periods of time w/o eating properly, hence the dizziness. However, when she drinks she'd rather do that than bother about eating, as often drinkers do.

About her daughter, I also have been asked as well as another friend to take her to the hospital last year when she was having some venous procedure to her legs.
She doesn't ask her daughter, because the daughter puts out all the behaviors that she'd just rather not participate. Well, as if that isn't bad enough, when she was recuperating from all of this the daughter didn't even come by to check up on her,
nor call....this is what I'm talking about. She may have behaviors that drive the daughter away, but her daughter is no angel of mercy either. Like many people here, even if they've a very difficult parent, many put up and do whatever it is so at the very least one can see some concern, when needed.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sandwich42, Thank you so much for sharing your experience, I laughed so hard my ribs hurt, still laughing. I had days like that too, with my parents back home, when I speak to them now, Lord I never know what I going to come out of my their uncensored mouth. I start acting like this when I'm older, should I survive my parents old age, "grab the nearest pillow apply to my face and press hard" LOL, let the best man win! Lord what we put up with!

This is the only place I can come to talk about my day to day experiences with my mom where I know you understand exactly what it going on because you are going through it too. If I don't turn it into something funny I can stand back and laugh at, I'd need my own psychiatric care soon. It's so absurd so much of the time, I can't ignore that. I am so thankful for this forum. I know that nobody is judging me, or judging my mom because we are all there together, maybe at different times and in different ways, but we are still in that really strange, weird, surreal, bizarre-o land of dementia, aging, and the special package of other issues a dysfunctional family has.

Thanks for all your sharing everyone. Tell me, what was it like in between the normal crazy of dysfunctional and the first signs of dementia. I think that is where my Mom is. Was it hard to sort out what was happening for you? What emotional issues did you face? What helped you overcome them? Did you find yourself having to figure out what YOUR behavior was going to be like? Was it hard to accept the changes every step of the way? When did the grieving of the love you had for that person begin?

sandwich....everything you wrote about your experience is about my daily interaction with my mom except we live together...she has sundowners too. In the morning she is wonderful...after she comes home from adult daycare I never know what I'm going to get. She does have a caregiver 4 days a week think she likes her better than me. When she is here mom wants her to rest and me to do the work LOL! Tomorrow I go to my caregiver support individual meeting i have been writing down notes all month long. I think my counselor is going to get an earful. I have vented on here but I'm sure it will come out again LOL.

My mom was in nursing home for rehab for 3 months and she barked orders at me in the same way. Nothing was good enough and kept changing her mind on what she wanted after she told me.

My biggest problem now is her changing her clothes constantly, won't stay in bed, not sleeping, not eating well. I've been to doctors, working on new doctor appointments . Even the day care center says its hard for them to keep her out of closet.

Well I am going also one on one to vent to a support caregiver meeting but wondering do they like analyze everything you say?closely and carefully?

I've been going to individual meetings the last couple months but when I did go to couple group meetings everyone just talked about their experiences and situations and some offered advice. I didn't experience them analzying or being critical. I'm hoping to go to group meeting this month too as long as I have a caregiver that day. I think it helps. I can vent to my boyfriend but it seems to help more with someone that understands like when i'm venting on this site. Hugs everyone

Thank you chrissykall23

Individual meetings? Who does these? Is there a charge?