The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Margeaux~The dizziness your friend experiences is also probably due to dehydration from drinking. Alcoholics experience dehydration often because they don't replenish fluids like water often enough.

Sandwich~Very funny stuff!! Thanks for sharing it, we all need a good laugh, humor does help get through it.

Judd~My mother was abusive all my life, especially growing up. My father passed from Alz in 2003, when our mom started to get forgetful, we let things ride until she started with confusion. That was when we knew she had dementia. This was in late 2009. She refused to take Namenda or Aricept and she progressed to being mentally incapacitated by the end of 2012. During 2012 was when she really started to escalate in decline. Because she always accused us of things we did not do, we had many verbal fights in early 2012. This was my mother's normal personality. I decided to change my approach toward our mother and started treating everything she said and did as being Alz related and not her normal personality. This worked for me, we no longer were fighting, she began to trust me, I would tell her, "Oh mom don't worry, I misplace things too." During 2012, I started grieving every time she declined. She lost her drivers license, she couldn't keep up with bills, she tried 2-3 times to cancel her long term care policy which we managed to stay one step ahead of her by reinstating it before it was too late. Mom is now in a memory care unit, I still grieve her losses even though my relationship with her is no longer abusive. She could change at any minute and I am prepared for that too.

Joan~I am happy you were able to go to your friend's funeral and connect with her family. I am sure that helped with the sadness of her loss....Hugs to you!!!
I am glad no one got hurt in the accident, hoping you and G are not experiencing some residual soreness.

I agree about the competency evaluation. With my mom it was something that had to come from a neurologist. Her PCP did finally say she could not live alone any longer, but he would not say she could not make decisions for herself.
Happy trails for a safe trip home!!

Good night everyone!!

Emjo,

Somehow, I missed the fact that you and G were broadsided.
So glad no one was hurt, have a safe, safe drive home.
Yes, I had a weird thing happen with a post.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

My mom moved to an assisted living facility close to my house three years ago. My brother, who is a Dr. lives five states away. For the first year I coped but also retired as an attorney for a number of reasons but particularly to attend to her needs. My brother comes out twice a year. Other than help on an equal basis for mom's monetary needs, he does nothing. A couple of months ago, I had a breakdown. I was trying to do everything my mom asked while running a home with a teenager. All of a sudden, so weirdly, in the middle of my depression, I remembered that our deceased father had abused me and my daughter. Unfortunately, my brother and family came to visit. He has always said very mean personal things to me. I really want to cut that part of my family off. Does anyone have any suggestions about what I can do? Thank you for letting me vent.

Hi all - well, as others experience, you get a break and then the boom comes down again.

Mother is having psychotic episodes that she has been taken to a place like the Salvation Army, where there was one bed, and they removed sex glands. I just talked to the mental health nurse who says she knows that mother has been more agitated and she is arranging to visit mother with the psychiatrist and she hopes they do not have to admit her to hospital. I rather hope they do. Mother left me a number of voice mails when I was away, regarding not being able to get food, re me taking over her bank accounts, re her not being able to see any doctors except the one her ALF told her to go to, and now this last one regarding the removal of her sex glands which is totally far out and has no relationship to any reality. None of these are true, but you can see some sort of connection somewhere, except with this last one. She also told me that she flushed her meds down the toilet as they would give her dementia. The mental health nurse says she will keep me informed.

I am so glad that I had a break and it has been good for me, even with my friend's death and the funeral.

overwhelm - I was going to answer an earlier post of yours, but too much going on. It is NOT you - it is them. I saw you were feeling guilty. These sharing groups are usually just that and very accepting, and not judgemental. If you get one that is judgemental, find another one. Same is true for individual meetings. I have been to many counsellors over the years and very occasionally have not continued with one as I did not like our interaction. You have that right. I think going to a good support group would be great for you. Let us know how it turns out. When dealing with people with mental issues, like your mum, sometimes you wonder if it is you or them. But, you are the one who has come to a forum for help, been honest about yourself and the others, and believe me, it is NOT you who is causing trouble. Unfortunately we are often given messages by unhealthy people/parents which hurt our self esteem. The blessing about forums like this is that they help us build ourselves up again. Take care of you and stay in touch and let us know how it goes.

sandwich - yes bizarre -o and getting bizarre - o - er. (sigh)

chrissikal - sounds like you have found a good group. It can help make this difference between life feeling bearable, and life feeling unbearable. "Nothing good enough" - that is the narcissist's theme song. Vent away here. I know it helps. Living with the crazies is hard.

judd - I will answer in a separate post as this is getting long.

Sharyn - the mental health nurse still says she is competent, as the problems she has are treatable therefore potentially reversible. I don't think so, but as long as she gets the care she needs it really doesn't matter.

have a good day everyone!

Judd -great post. You have put into words exactly what I am going through now. It is hard to sort out. In my case, I see my mother developing a paranoia, and now psychosis which she never had to this degree before. It may have been there slightly at times before, but never this bad. I also see her ability to make good decisions for herself is deteriorating. Now, we have full blown psychosis over the past week, which has absolutely no connection with reality.

I have never been told that mother has dementia, but there is no doubt that she is deteriorating with age. I would look for signs of dysfunction that are greater, more frequent, more far out than usual. It is hard to sort out, but in time it does become evident that something more/else is happening.

What is happening to me. Well, I think there is some confusion to begin with, as you try to figure out what is happening. I see some denial in some members of the family, and I may well have had some at times. I feel sadness at seeing mother deteriorate. To me, it is a fairly typical grieving process -and the stages of grief apply to a large extent. Grief happens not only at a death, but also in response to any big loss/change - like job loss, health loss etc. Certainly we grieve as we see close ones deteriorate.

The Kubler Ross model is fairly well accepted though you do not go through these stages in a linear fashion, but back and forth slowly making progress towards acceptance.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Wikipedia:

The Kübler-Ross model, commonly referred to as the five stages of grief, is a concept introduced by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross[1] and says that someone faced with the reality of impending death or other extreme, awful fate experiences a series of emotional stages:
1.Denial
2.Anger
3.Bargaining
4.Depression
5.Acceptance.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For me the grieving has been there a long time - grief over not having the mother I needed, but I have been coming to terms with that. This is a different loss - mother, though she was not the mother I needed was a very bright woman who generally looked after herself pretty well in many areas. It saddens me to see her so paranoid, and more and more out of touch with reality, and living in a world that is more and more stressful/dangerous for her. For me, researching her conditions on the internet has helped, as it has given me a "heads up" as to what to expect. That is one coping mechanism. Re the grieving. what I know to do is feel the feelings, don't fight them, let them come. Give yourself space for this and a "safe place", by which I mean somewhere where you can feel and express your feelings with out judgement or criticism, or denial. That may be alone, or with a trusted person or both. I have found that essential. This forum, on the whole, I have found to be a "safe place". Some of us find certain threads, like this one to be safer than others.

I don't grieve the love I had because I still have it, though its expression is different. I grieve the losses she is going through, the pain (emotional in her case) she is living with, the limitations that age and illness have imposed upon her. I accept the changes though I don't like them any more than I like some of the changes that aging has brought upon me.

Brings a well known poem to mind.

Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night - by Dylan Thomas

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light...

Thank you for sharing your journey and your questions with us. (((((((hugs)))))) I know it is not easy going through this.

overwhelm~I have only gone to one group support meeting. Because it was our first one (Sis and me) they let us talk the whole time. There were only about 5 other people and the leader. We told them everything about our mother, her abuse since childhood, personality disorder, and dementia. We never felt judged. Actually my sister talked more than I did because she hasn't gotten over her anger toward our mother. That is is whole other topic that still affects their relationship today. There was no judging. Like emjo said, if you feel uncomfortable that they are judging you, then find another group.

Joan~Wow, I am so sorry your mother is getting worse. That is quiet a story about having her sex glands removed...like a science fiction story if it wasn't coming from your mother. I do hope they get a psychiatrist to see her soon. While it is true the meds can normalize your mother, but how to get her to take them daily is a big issue and being in ALF, are they willing or can they legally put in it in her food if the meds came in liquid form?? If they can stabilize her, they may then be able see the dementia. Let us know how it is going for her and you.

1billy~With your mother in AL, you should probably limit what you do for her to once a week only. As far as your brother is concerned, set boundaries about what he can talk to you about and if he crosses the boundary, tell him you will not discuss this with him. If he says mean, personal comments, avoid contact with him, tell him until he can be respectful, you don't want to see him. You have to stand strong against people like that and don't be afraid to hurt their feelings as they have no problem hurting your feelings. Let him visit your mother, but you don't have to visit with him too. These are only suggestions and others may have more suggestions for you too.Hang in there and take care of yourself. Hugs!!

Sharynmarie: Thank you so much for your response. I have been blaming myself for everything. Your comments have come at the perfect time. Again, thank you. Hugs.

thx margeaux - there was one 50 mile stretch of black ice and a few vehicles not handling it too well, but G is an excellent driver and we got home before 2 am. I had a couple of naps along the way.

1billy - so sorry to hear about your breakdown and the abuse, but it is good it came out, I agree with Sharyn that less visiting your mum would be good for you and drawing some pretty firm boundaries with your brother is needed, or cut him off if you choose. You and your daughter both need time to heal from the abuse. I hope both of you are in treatment.
A psychologist, Pauline Boss recommends that people who have been abused do not do hands on caring for those who have abused them. Your mum is in an ALF. She is cared for there. Her needs are met, her "wants" will not all be met, but that is not necessary. I think, for your own good and the good of your daughter, the time has come for you to say "No" to your mum over some things - maybe many things. And to say no to further abuse by your brother, as Sharyn has outlined.
There is no need for you to do everything your mother asks. My mother who is also in an ALF would have me running in circles for her all the time, but I won't. Even when I do do things she asks for, she often gets mad at me for doing them, so I back off and do less. I have found it necessary to detach more and more and I think you would benefit from learning how to do that. It means to emotionally distance yourself, and not allow her moods and demands to affect you as much, It means saying "No" to her, when saying "Yes" is not good for you. It means putting your and your daughter's needs above hers.
With the abuse you have recently remembered and the breakdown, you have a huge load for yourself and your daughter. Please, above all, look after you and your child. That is your first priority. Your mother has to be further down the list whether she likes it or not. If she doesn't like it that is her problem, don't make it yours and don't try to make her happy. Some people will never be happy no matter what you do. That is their choice. ((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) to you. You have a long healing road ahead for you and your daughter. Good luck to you and come back and let us know how you are.

Sharyn - according to them, mother does not have dementia. She passes the cognition tests quite well. She has mental illness and I think the psychotic episodes are related to her BPD as they can happen at any age. But I do think that aging is limiting some of her mental abilities, even if not her cognition. The mental health nurse was concerned about her quality of life, as mother is more and more agitated recently, but, she does not want to put a 101 yr old in hospital. I think I will call in a bit and say if a 101 yr old has a broken leg you fix it as you would at any age, and if mother needs to be hospitalized, then do it, regardless of her age. I believe there is not way they can put her meds in her food in the ALF. In the hospital I think they would have a better chance of getting meds into her one way or another. yes it is quite a story.

Right now I am tearful - probably a combination of losing my friend and mother's turn downhill, and also the anticipation of dealing with my sister's reaction to all of this, though I have limited contact with her. I am tired from the trip, and want it all to go away for a while. I think a nice bubble bath is in order. I have classical music playing which I find relaxing. Maybe I will fire up the vehicle and head to the deli to buy supper - not feeling much like cooking. I need to take my grandson, who house sat, back to his place anyway. The cat lost a few lbs. when we were away, but he is eating and cuddling so I guess he is OK. I don't need something to happen to him on top of everything else!

Hi all! Happy New Year! Sorry I have been away - and again have missed so much. I decided to take a little time off and have been doing reading ( Your not crazy, its your mother - fantastic) and we went to the beach for about 10 days and pretty much didn't do anything - it was wonderful. Then the ball dropped - visit with mom before taking her to yet another dr appointment. Sandwich - you could have taken the words - or experience right out of my head!

After 8 days of rest, sleep and good food - went to see mom - did see her about 3 weeks ago and it went ok - not fantastic - but ok. So - she is obsessed with having a phone - still. I said no - and she glazed over and it was time to go. I just didn't go fast enough. As she followed me out - said a hearty FU. Nice. I had told her - and emailed her (got her email on her Ipad) that her appointment was at 10 - I would be there at 9:30 and where the appointment was. Had a plan with my husband - he would drive - and if she got nasty again - we would just turn around and go home. Walked in at 9:35 and she started in that I said I would be there at 8...heard me say that 1000 times. ok. Whatever. Got her in the car - I thankfully sat in the back. Here is just a sample of what we hear over a total of about 4 hours:
1. Food is all crap
2. I used to live there in my beautiful home, Karen - why won't you let me go home.
3. Crying - fake - boooo hooooo hoooooo
4. Are you taking all my money - where is my money
5. You just don't know what is going on there - I have to get out of there
6. Fake crying again
7. All my friends want me to go home (she has one - the other one came to see her for the first time in a year - they have all fled)
8. Jennifer (my daughter) won't come see me, why, why....fake cry
9. Is that my ring you are wearing? (no)
10. That shirt is ugly - I don't like it - to me of course
11. Why do you wear your hair like that - you should cut it (hair has always been an issue)
12. Fake crying
13. Get to the doctor - if she does have rheumatoid arthritis she has to take prednisone - she refuses. Spent 2 hours at dr, xray & blood tests - for nothing.
14. The food is crap and I told the cook
15. Get me a decent sandwich - I don't want that kind - I have told you a hundred times
So - get her the decent sandwich - took her back - had a talk with the facility manager - mom is harassing two men there calling them stupid - in the mean time she insisted that her Ipad should have pictures on it (there are 600) and wants to see other peoples pictures (Facebook) I asked her if was FB - she said no - and wouldn't listen - kept taking over me - then I had to tell her to stop talking badly to the men- she went off on me wanting to know who told on her - claimed she could say whatever she wanted. I walked out - and went home. Got 3 emails today - her sandwich was cold, I guess I upset you and my ipad is broken.

Have to say - my counseling is working well - I got over it pretty quickly - my poor husband is still shell shocked.

Emjo - so sorry about your friend and so glad you are ok - accident wise. Sorry about your mom too....just gets better and better.

{{{{Hugs}}}} Joan, take care of yourself...a bubble bath sound wonderful!!

Emjo - oh boy! sounds like there is a steep bit down of the roller coaster on its way, no? Brace yourself. Glad no injuries (don't get me started on young men and their supreme but groundless self-confidence behind the wheel) but quite enough of a jolt on its own, I should think. Not what you need on your way home from a sad funeral… xxx

Joan-
I somehow missed the accident too. Very relieved everyone is ok.

sad - so glad to see you back. Great that you had a break. The song they sing seems to be similar -the terrible food, fake crying, wanting to go somewhere else, calling people names, making snide comments about your appearance - the "who dun me wrong" songs... I am just about at a point where it is "Here's a quarter, call someone who cares". Wonderful that the counselling is working. Your poor hubby! I had to laugh at that, as until someone experiences it first hand, they really don't have a clue, and it is pretty shocking. Yes, it gets better and better.

You know things are bad when you say to yourself "Well, it was only an accident, that your best friend died, and that your mother is having psychotic episodes. It could be worse."

cm - Indeed, a steep bit if the roller coaster ride. This morning it is just that they have changed her (non existent) appointment and the lady who is coming to pick her up (not) is unreliable (not). Re the accident - I was jolted by it, but nothing else has appeared. Gary has a sore neck and shoulder he thinks from grabbing the steering wheel to brace himself. The guy hit the truck on the passenger side, but right in front - the headlight. I saw him come right at us. Fortunately he was driving a small jeep, and we were in a 3/4 ton, so we were high and pretty solid.

glad and everyone - thanks - we are OK.

Sharyn - I had a nice bath and then started to cook. You know I am alright if I can cook. Spiced apples and pork chops for last night, and got a moose (yes, I know glad - ewwww - lol) stew going in the crock pot for tonight.

Gary and I exchanged our Christmas cards finally, and his touched me deeply (Do you know the song "I could not ask for more"? - the card played it), as did the flowers he brought home for me last night. Sean, my grandson, had plugged in the lights on the little tree in the window to welcome us home the night before. Those little considerations make a difference. They warm your heart, and make the other stuff less important. My glass is full with good things.
Hugs to everyone and do something good for you today!

Sad1daughter,

It's been a long time, and glad to see you return, Happy New Year to you!
It's interesting to hear lately some accounts of what people's elders repeat over and over again. Our narcissistic aunt used to say many of the same things, but she was being cared for by my sister and hired CG's in mom's home. When my sister started to recant each and every time, my aunt's complaints about the food.....I told sis to tell her "This is not Marie Calendar's."

Truly happy to hear that you are with the right counseling, and that it is productive for you.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Emjo,

How touching, and thoughtful from the men in your life!
Yes.....this really counts tons, doesn't it? My guy surprised me one time, it's been a few mos., ago. It was after he'd had the hernia surgery. My guy is not mindful at times with the thank you's. I used to get more affected by this, but this may sound weird. I've become somewhat used to it, since I've noticed this is also a cultural thing with him. Maybe I've done this for myself too, since it's lowering y expectations. That's too bad too. But the day he came home w/the flowers.....it touched my heart, for sure. He does show goodness in other ways, maybe just not the more emotional ones, but I wish for some improvement anyway.

What your mom is experiencing via her episodes has taken it to another level.
I'm very sad also about how you're feeling about this. Well, hopefully the re-evaluation will work in everyone's favor. It is tough when the senior still hold's this kind of control, but really it's such a detriment to them.

Hugs,
You're in my thoughts!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Well I've been taking a break from Dysfunction Junction, I was doing some better earlier this week, however once I started looking for work OMG back to panic. I'm feeling sorry for me today! When my friends complain about their jobs, I just want to say shut it, really you're complaining to someone who doesn't have a job or insurance, a life with a dwindling 401K so shut it! My folks tried to call I could tell because they dropped the phone in the bed covers then the line goes dead. The attorney said they tried calling me the line was busy. I just leveled with the attorney my dad is so abusive my mother beat me as a child as she had little patience my dad was alcohol. But after the way they've treated me recently I'm taking a break the abuse is more than I can deal with. The guardianship court date is not until 2/21, I told the attorney you take them over I will be co-conservator, I'm just totally burned out, I too feel I'm totally damaged beyond repair from all of this, hopeless today. Any yes I'm taking medication for depression, but I'm isolated from people or any groups for support just haven't had it in me to look. I'm not in a good place, I'm glad I can come here and vent. I feel I've hit yet even a new low, yayyy me!

What sort of operations were you working on (and enjoying), Zoolife?

Oops jumped the gun - also meant to say, don't forget that while it does feel wonderful to stop banging your head against a brick wall, you also go dizzy for a while! This too will pass x

sad1daughter!! oh SHOOT you had MY mom in the car with you, sorry about that. Hahaha. Oh man, oh I really felt THAT one. Ouch. Crazy right? People woudln't believe the things they say. I'd tempted to video tape her and make her watch it. The HAIR, every time I see that woman she cant say enough bad things about my hair, my dress, my jewelry even. Insult insult insult then its all pooooooor meeeeeeee waaaaaaahhhh then it's all about me doing this crazy crazy mindless stuff for her, look up this or find this or move the refrigerater so I can clean behind it. What lady?? and she will fight and argue with every doctor, THEN exaggerate everything the dr said cause everyone should know that the dr has never even SEEN a case like this she is one in a million, refuse the meds or treatment because he's "stupid" then tell complete strangers about all these fake illnesses the dr said I have this or that or the other thing. So now she thinks she is terribly allergic to LIGHT. Light. It will burn her skin right off. ( so I'm thinking we need a trip to the beach right? ) I need to get shades for the car windows so when I drive her all over creation she won't get her skin burned off. I am so thoughtless... sooooo thoughtless, shake your head and click your tongue. Tell me how I wasn't raised to be so thoughtless. I suggest SPF 45, oh I am so STUPID and she blows up, she doesn't NEED sunscreen, I am sooooooo STUPID, she can't even CONTAIN her anger and distain...sunscreen. tsk tsk. I really enjoy all of your stories, I know they can break your heart though. One thing I learned with my kids is to let them figure things out on their own, they grow up more and can be responsible for their own happiness. I have been trying that on satan with some limited success. I learned to say, OH that must be AWFUL to be BURNED by the SUN like that, who would have thought? Then change the subject to remember when you.....fill in some glory thought to puff up her chest. So...it gives me another game to play with satan. Our other games aren't so fun. but DO NOT EVER BLAME YOURSELF!!!! EVER EVER EVER EVER. Cause its NEVER YOU NOT EVEN ONE NANOSECOND. They have set themselves up in a No Win world, you can't do a thing about it but keep out of the way.

First of all, thank you everyone for bravely sharing such personal feelings and stories. You have written things that have helped me accept, acknowledge, and begin to think through stages of coping. One thing is for sure: even though I no longer enjoy my mother's company, I am so grateful that at 92 she is still so easy to be a caregiver for: I don't live with her, she doesn't have Alz or dementia, etc.
Just a lot of head trips, and insane ideas mixed with the beginnings of dementia or forgetfulness, and the whole gamut of blaring F.O.G horns, reserved especially for me, her favorite daughter! When I am with her I am someone else.
"Yes, uh-huh, how nice, hm." There is no real sharing. She doesn't let me say even 4 words. Yet she complains to me or others how "all she does is talk".
So weird. Driving her to the doctor: I need to adjust the temperature. She is blabbing on and on about nothing really and she doesn't feel listened to because I am not somehow giving her my 100% attention even though I am driving and keeping the window from fogging. ugh. She is like a black hole. In the doctor's office she was yaking on and on and I looked away from her to a sign I hadn't noticed and wondered what it was. She eats up the opportunity to see if she can make herself look good in front of others. "Look at me when I am talking. That's rude. It's only common sense and decency to look at someone when they are talking you know."
I am so closed down around her! By the time I got home I wanted to shoot someone. Happy to be alone and safe in my own abode, I went to to the bathroom mirror and literally talked to myself. "yuck! I feel yucky all over! But what can I do? I can't think of another way to be that person!" I pretended I was talking to a comforting second self. Maybe the mother I never had. maybe my higher Self, my Soul. She answered, "Don't worry. You have never done boundaries before with Mom. This is the first time you are not buying her trips.
This is good for now." Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Any suggestions? I often wish I was one of those sweet angelic ladies who are always calm and never let on they are put out by anyone. My heart is so trampled by my mother. But after an hour of lunch and back to my work, I had a wonderful day! and the best part was I regained myself and my peace. Maybe it takes less and less time to recover.

I make my mom sit in the back in the car. She can't really see that I'm ignoring her. I picture her different ways also it may sound crazy though but picture her as a fish. Or mr peanut. Like you can watch them talk then but it's internally amusing so you can tough it out then. A pig in a tutu. An ax wielding logger. Shoot but really it takes away the...sting? My question is what do you do when they blow up in waiting rooms? She tells off people with perfume or loud talking or whatever. I want to hide under the chair. I usually make that crazy sign to that person or apologize. So tired of THAT fun game. It's exhausting isn't it no wonder they have no friends. How about food? Keep feeding her so she can't talk?

LOL!!!...I am glad you are all finding the humor. My day was similar but did not involve my mother...it was my sister.

margeaux -I still feel a warm glow for the card and flowers and my grandson putting the Christmas lights on. These little things help a lot. I think many men are not sentimental. G is not usually, which made this all the more special.

Zoo - love "Dysfunction Junction" - that says it all. I am sorry you were beaten as a child - inexcusable. Don't take on any more that you want to. I am glad you are taking a break. You know you can come and vent anytime. Things will pick up - you can do it. Be good to you. (((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

cm - you are right - this too will pass

mbvargo - oh dear, the one in a million thing - the need to be unique - You are so right that they set themselves up for No Win and all you can do it keep out of the way. I don't know if you can stem the tide of words. Can you walk out of waiting rooms and come back when she has settled down?

judd - I got the FOG horns from my sis as well tonight.. I know the no real sharing - no honesty - never has been. It is amazing how difficult even a short period of time with them is. Setting boundaries is great - will get more comfortable in time. Having your own best friend inside is good. I like the way you put it - your heart is trampled by your mother. yeah mine too and by my sister. Even better that you regained yourself and your peace fairly quickly. yes, less and less time...

Well I am not one of those peaceful ladies tonight. I sent out a family update and got a blast back from my sis that I never tried to communicate with mother, don't do anything for her, that I was interested in her demise ?????, that I should give up POA to someone else, that she had asked a nurse about the meds and mother should be careful about strong drugs and so on. For someone who has had little contact with the people looking after mother she thinks she knows a lot. Gary just laughed at it and said that she is in the same class as mother. I think he is right. Sis started the letter by saying that she hoped everyone got it, and then she sent it only to me. Her daughter who lives with her, could certainly help her to make sure everyone got it, if sis does not know how to do that.. I smell a game here and I am not going to play.

I have been getting in touch with the PTSD and realized that when mother or sis blast/abuse/speak the crazies my anxiety levels go straight up. I know this comes from childhood and the abuse then.So I said to myself "They can't hurt you any more". And I keep repeating to myself that they cannot hurt you any more. They cannot hurt ou any more" and It is working. Judd - like you said - from the inside -
It was great having Gary here too and seeing his reaction to sis's letter. I calmed down faster. I know this will take more work, but it is happening. I want to be rid of the PTSD -I have had it too long and want it out of my life!!! - tuna cans, blue tights, magic bracelets, gold tiaras whatever it takes - I am getting rid of it! That is one New Year's resolution I will keep.

Joan, when my mom gets abusive those feelings of PTSD flair up quickly. Sis p'd me off yesterday...long story short is she has not worked in 2.5 weeks and has done absolutely nothing regarding mom's affairs. So I put a fire under her Burt to get the house and contends sold.

Yes, I have been working at the funny farm the last 2 nights with L. She has been on a rampage since she found out on Wed night they were going to train her to put a supply load away. She ran to the store manager complaining...I am 54 years old...blab blab blab. When we came to work yesterday she was still on it and complained to the deli manager. I am 54 years old...let the younger men do it...I just shook my head and went in back laughing. The deli manager said when you came to this store you said you wanted to be trained in management. The supply load is part of it. L was having non of that saying why would you start me on the load instead of the computer Lol! The manager was getting angery...I asked her if she wanted to find the nearest brick wall......its a situation

Oops...out of twilight zone. Whoohoo!!

sharyn, I am afraid you may be in for more stress from your sis too. If you look at it longer term, and she continues to not look after herself better, she will be borderline capable or incapable of doing the job. She may be approaching that now. I am glad you put some fire under her butt regarding the house and contents sale.
Your work situation does sound nutty. I would steer clear of L - not the kind of person who would make a good companion or a good manager!

Have to figure out of I am going to respond to my sister's blast and if I should circulate it to the family, as she claims she intended it to be. The one thing she said which concerns me is that I am interested in mother's demise. That is quite an allegation and I am wondering if I need to do something about that.

The last trip with my Mom a light bulb went off-I had told her-since we were sharing a room at the hotel-if she were too warm or too cold just tell me and I would fix whatever-it was hot in LA and I had the a/c on she yelled at me are you touching that a/c again 'I DID NOT COME TO CALIF TO FREEZE TO DEATH' I smiled and turned it down for a while and then thought she can no longer hurt me-I am not giving her the power-boy it felt good-she picked up some infection on that trip and was in the hospital then had a stroke and died-even though I was with her in the hospital 24/7 for a week nothing she yelled to me about hurt my feelings.

Joan~I know you are right about the situation with my sis. She is so deep in denial now about her health and I know for a fact, she will not be willing to step down regarding her duties as DPOA and executor of mom's estate. The reason she has done nothing is because she doesn't have the stamina to do it but she won't admit it.

As far a L goes....well I just work with her, have no intentions of seeing her outside of work even though she has a big heart, she is too involved with people instead of being involved in her own life regarding herself. She really should get a job where she does not have to be physically active. Even the other girl at work last night was getting tired of L's tirade and they are good friends outside of work, LOL!! All I could do was laugh....really, the job requires being able to lift and move 40lb boxes. I was actually shocked that they were going to train her for management....maybe they were just calling her bluff since she is never happy with anything they have her do or the shift they put her on, idk....

Mbvargo - omg - we must be twins! Lol sounds exactly like my mother! I had always blamed her behavior on her drinking - going out to dinner was a nightmare. I used to break out in a rash when she would come. My dad was the sweetest person ever - but totally enabled her. I am currently reading "You're not Crazy, it's Your Mother" and it has been really helpful! One of my favorite things is she has terminology that is perfect - like when you and you mother aren't speaking she will send her flying monkeys! Lol - and that's exactly what happens. Used to be my dad - now it is her one friend left. To make it just a little more fun - my mother had a stroke and is aphasic - so she talks crazy. If you don't understand her - your stupid! And you are spot on with the doing or getting things for her. Since my mother is in asst living - every time I go she has a list of things to get along with ads from the newspaper. If I don't bring exactly what is on the list - which is usually 3 different places - it's crap! So for the last year I drive 3 hrs to do something for her - run around to shop and then get yelled at. Never a nice to see you or thank you....and god forbid ever a I'm sorry for the behavior. Walking out has been helpful - she screamed after me down the hall - what's wrong with you, are you 12?? Just kept walking! The counciling has been really helpful and so have the books. I too mourn for the mother I should have had. I just saw a elder mother walking with her daughter at the grocery store and the we're holding hands....so sweet. I don't even want to touch my mother - she so foul..

And Judd- I had also just called my mother a black hole also - as I sat in the back seat - I closed my eyes as she rambled on non stop spuing negativity - I just went someplace else. I must be moving from sad, to mad to acceptance and feel ok. I am seeing my councilor next week for a tune up! I still want help on a few things. Part of me feels bad still because of the stroke - but I didn't give it to her.... When we left I sat in the car and had some clarity - it sounds terrible - but I think everyone here can relate. I hate my mother. She is ugly from the inside out. She is vile and hateful and will suck the life out of anyone near her. My poor father - had the life sucked out of him 5 years ago. The problem with narcissists is they do have that nice funny or sweet side that they pull out of their hat when they need to suck you back in. I refuse to be my mother chew toy anymore. It is taking time - but so thankful for my husband and family!