The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Austin - I have read about your experience before and you really had an AHA moment re your mum. and earlier, I believe re your husband. I guess I had the same, as already, I am less affected by the garbage. I think it may take a while to sink in yet, but I am feeling more and more, "They cannot hurt me". It is a relief, and I think it is the answer to getting rid of the PTSD.
Now I have to deal with my sister's email. I don't think I can let an allegation of wanting mother's demise go by unaddressed.
Thank you so much for sharing. (((((((hugs)))))

Um. Emjo, you can let an email like that go unaddressed if, for example, it's so absurd that it doesn't merit a response… Are you sure you want to dignify it with one? I'd certainly keep any reply I chose to send to that curt and to the point. For goodness' sake. What's she trying to achieve? (I know: a juicy scene for the soap opera…)

Emjo - can you respond with a simple thank you for your thoughts and that is it...or at least wait a bit before you may be getting into an email war that you don't need.

That had occurred to me cm - thanks. I know she has a lawyer friend, and she has suggested that I have too many vested interests in mother's demise to be POA and the another unbiased party should be appointed. I think she is leading up to getting me unseated from POA and putting some friend of hers in. She is the one who took her children to court to get family money from them, so I know she is capable of that kind of thing. She is the one who has stated that she wants all the inheritance. I will contact mother's lawyer to let her know what is going on and go from there. I would not be surprised to see her to go to court to take POA away from me. I have no interest in getting into an exchange with her - I know it will only be nasty and will not accomplish anything. But I may need a lawyer to address the accusation about my vested interest in mother's demise and unsuitability as POA, as I can see where this is going.

thanks sad - I don't intend to get into an email war. It would be totally pointless. But I would rather not get a surprise letter from her lawyer without having taken some action myself. As I said above, I can see where this is going. Some one suggested that I write out all I have done for mother over the 16 years she has been here, just to have it handy. It may be time to do that.

My GOD she's a pain..!

The correspondence relating to your enquiries about resigning your POA might be helpful here. Anyone who imagines you're in this for the money would be very quickly put right..!

cm - if my sister was normal, she would be put right, but she isn't. She claimed in her email that I have hardly ever tried to communicate with mother. She did not qualify that to the last few months - when there may have been some partial truth to it, though in the same time period mother twice stated that she did not want to see me, then begged me hysterically to come and help her move furniture and stop the ALF from stealing from her, both of which were ridiculous. Further communication then seemed rather pointless. But, sis made a blanket statement and also implied other negative things. To say that I have hardly ever made attempts to communicate with mother - say in the last 16 years since she has been out here - is absolutely ludicrous. And she has an answer to why mother is not taking her meds - from a nurse in Scotland and from mother's comments - completely ignoring that mother's doctors and the mental health team here are treating mother and recommend that she take them. It is as far out as that. She is picking and choosing in a rather obvious way and, as G said "To what avail? Why be so antagonistic about it?" She is like mother and wants control, and to put people down. and lash out at them. I have always been her target from childhood. So this is not logical or sensible in any way - but from an unhealthy mind. Yes, she is a pain and always has been. I will write mother's lawyer today to keep her in the loop.

Your sister can think what she likes - the trouble is the risk that some innocent soul might take her seriously for a moment. A recurring pestilence, but easy enough to clarify, surely? - since I've been coming to AC, I think, you've been dealing fairly and sensibly with what amounts, frankly, to nuisance calls from the pair of them; plus that utter nonsense - around Thanksgiving, wasn't it? - when your mother was pulling the did/didn't want to see you hooey… urggggghhhh. And a professional who gives an opinion based on someone else's opinion, instead of an interview with/examination of the patient, needs to have a serious think about her reputation…

I know, you know all this. And even if the steps to be taken are straightforward it's still a pain. Goodness you must get so fed up with it.

Sad1~Your mother sounds so much like how my mother was before the Alz took over her personality. She destroyed my father (he enabled her too). It is heartbreaking to realize these things about your parent...talk with your therapist about your father too, she can help you come to terms with what happened.

Joan~I think it is a good idea to contact your mother's attorney letting her know about these accusations from your sister. I hope it does not come to a legal battle between the two of you but you have to do what you think is best in the long run.

Have a quiet and peaceful weekend...if possible!!

emjo - definitely contact your mothers attorney and get as much written down as possible so you are prepared - just in case. If and when it comes down to the nastiness - you will be upset and forget a lot of what has happened or what you have done - so much better do sit down calmly and get it on all paper. We unfortunately had to do mediation with a neighbor and I had everything in a folder all organized along with photos and he had nothing - I felt so much better about it - as I knew that if I forgot something it was in my binder. The neighbor looked like a kook - and they sent us out of the room to reason with him. I believe being organized helped us a lot in that situation. BTW - he still is a kook! So sorry you have to do the legal battle as well. I really do wonder sometimes why we have to go through what we do.

Sharynmarie - I agree - talking to my councilor will help me understand why my dad stayed with her - I can remember at age 11 wishing they would divorce and I would live with dad. Ugh.

Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend - and try to be happy! For those that are in the frozen part of our country - stay warm!

With in the chaos that is going on.................finally some absolutely awesome news for us!!!..............OMG....I am going to be a grandma!!!!!!!!! i am a basket case over this news. It is so awesome...I can't get my mind around it yet. Yes it is my daughter...she has not had official confirmation from a dr. but the otc tests are confirming it and they are very accurate today. Wow is all I can say...OMG...My baby is going to have a baby!! Ok enough without going completely overboard!!

Sharynmarie! Yay! Congrats to you and your family! Grand babies are the best! You are going to have soooo much fun- =)

Sad1~Thank you so much!!! This is so awesome with the losses on my brothers side of family and them now having to face the lose of another child to colon cancer at such a young age.

We are keeping the news quiet until my daughter and her husband are ready to announce it to the family. Of course they have told my sil's parents who are as elated as we are. Planning my two weeks vacation around the birth...OMG...how great is this!!

Emjo, you are such a joy, I look forward to seeing you here. We can't pick our families how we arrive here on this plain. But it's what we do with what we've been given to deal with, and you have blessed us all with your humor, kindness, and wisdom. Let the rest of your family eat cake, after awhile all the guilty game playing doesn't even work anymore they just appear even more desperate, bitter and ridiculous. So glad you have a good man in your life to support you through all of this.

Yes my childhood like so many others on this board was a nightmare thanks for the acknowledgment as you do with all on this board.

I had a really healing experience happen this evening while speaking with one of my favorite men friends, just friends he's a great support. We talk a lot about dysfunctional families relationships he was a minster for years he has such a heart for people walking them through their brokenness, and for God. He was trying to understand a women in his life he cares deeply for, as she came from much the same back ground I did. After I spoke about the abuse I sustained growing up in an alcoholic home, my phone shut off, he called me back and said Sherry, I want to apologize on behalf of my fellow man, your father and other men who have abused you, let you down, treated you with disrespect and shamed you. I want you to know you never deserved to be treated with such lack of integrity, it was wrong, and I'm here on their behalf to say how sorry I am for pain their behavior brought you. As he went on I just burst into tears, it reach deep inside my soul, I was heard, and recognized as valuable, worthy of much more than I received. It was a beautiful thing then he said a prayer for me. I feel so very blessed that in my path today are a small group of very kind and loving people who have nurtured me through all of this mess. I can't believe they all have stood by me when I've been falling apart, but they have, this forum included. This is going to has to be the year of setting ourselves free to allow choices that will bring joy to those that suffer here, our lives count just as much so we have to take the time to say NO, set boundaries and HEAL! When were not laughing our hinders off, cause you can't make this stuff up it's so ridiculous! God Bless you all!

Austin, I need to learn that – what you learned with your mom on your last trip together. Father is progressing in his senility and we are now both very very short tempered with each other.

Sharyn, I can barely lift a 20 lbs. rice. I cannot even imagine lifting a 40 lbs object. You guys are Strong. Watch your back (literally, those weights can damage your back), though. Congratulations on going to have your very first grandchild!!!! {{laughing}} Now you can spoil him/her and the parents will just have to undo it! =)

Emjo, I like your plan of action. She’s doing a smearing campaign to try to get others to believe that you are up to no good. Do what you need to do to protect yourself. And watch your back. {{HUGS}}

Zoolife. Thank you for sharing that. I had tears in my eyes as I read your words. No male ever said that to me. My parents never apologized that they did that to us. {{HUGS))

Hey there, just checking in...Hope everyone is warm and safe after that cold spell!!! I haven't been online at all much lately, but I have been thinking and missing you all! XOXOX to everyone here!!!
We are still here, just surviving, but we have floors and heat. I finally have a room and bed to sleep in...hoping the bed will bring some good sleep and good energy, in turn, the recliner was not the most restful spot! I rarely slept the night thru between midnite diaper changes and I would be awake for hours sometimes in the middle of the night.
Otherwise doing ok I guess mom n I!! feeling very lonely and isolated coming off the holidays. I sure do miss having family, just not my family, hahahaha, not!!! We did go to the BFF's and had a wonderful time and two amazing dinners, Crab feed Xmas eve, and Turkey dinner Xmas day! Well for me I am glad to see 2013 gone it was one of the worst, def in top 3! Looking forward to a better time and life for us this next year!!! This past Saturday
I did get away from mom, for the first time in years, to go to my Dearest friends baby shower. Rushed but nice break, nearly 2 hrs each way drive and 2hr for shower. Glad I got to go, it was iffy, had Flo not offered to watch my mom the day before I would have been able to go. It was early, brunch and I could not have gotten us both there. So I turned on the the radio and enjoyed the ride and scenery and had a great morning, socializing, wow what a concept!!!! I sure would like to do that a little more....but the lady who watched her does not do any diaper changing or maneuvering....she just sits with her so she is not alone. Anyway. once we get thru this financial mess of the home repairs maybe I can look for some foster care to take her for a day or two now n then. I am hoping!
I am often thinking and praying for all the wonderful people here! Hope you have a good day and weekend and to those in the freeze take care and stay warm,
Peace,
Juju

first of all (((((((Sharyn))))) congratulations on the pending grandchild. They are a huge blessing and my prayers are with you and your daughter for a healthy pregnancy and delivery,

cm - apparently my sister's email did circulate - at least her son got it and I had a very nice supportive email from him this morning. He called the email "deeply unpleasant" which was a nice way of putting it. Yes, some may buy her story. and it is a pain, but one I have dealt with all my life. I have only one hand from birth, and it is not a handicap so much as a nuisance or a "pain" sometimes and reason to protect my right shoulder which is showing signs of wear. I look at this in a similar way - a reality of my life and something that has to be dealt with. Frankly my sis is more of a handicap. It will be interesting to see if I get any other support. My nephew knows his mother's problems better than anyone else, besides myself and has had the brunt of her anger and manipulation, as have I. His support is very meaningful to me.

Thanks everyone re encouragement to contact the lawyer. I emailed mother's lawyer yesterday and am waiting for her response. I hope it does not come to a legal battle between us, but if so, then I will engage. To me, my sis's comments are so selected to put me in a bad light that anyone should see through them. She completely ignored many of the points I made including the ones abut the food service being the same, which has been mother's main concern. Her arguments would not hold water in an assignment in any class I taught, as they are not adequately supported. Oh, well.

Re father's enabling sick mothers - same in my family, and I think it meant my father died sooner than he would have and had a less healthy old age. He drank too much and that contributed as well. She blamed him and then included me in that for everything she perceived went wrong in her life -and that was daily and meant daily rages and rants. He developed adult onset diabetes and vascular dementia. No one else in his family had dementia and many lived to a healthy old age.

sad - thanks for sharing about your neighbour. I know at some point I have to sit down and write everything out. I have saved about 30 voice mails - the recent ones and will transcribe some things from them. I can remember pretty well what I have done in the past 16 years. I set a pattern of visiting and helping on an annual basis. I wonder why sometimes too, but trust that God has a purpose. more about that later. I too wished that my parents would divorce, to stop the daily verbal and occasionally physical battles.

Going to stop here and continue in a new post. (((((((((((((hugs))))))))))) to everyone

Zoo~What a great post, I am so happy you have this friend in your life to talk with who understands dysfunction and accepts it. I have found that most people deny that parents can be so abusive to their children.

Book~We don't have to lift 40lb boxes on a daily basis and you only lift to place it on a cart so it can be wheeled back to our dept. I have dealt with pain from over use since my 40's so I have learned to live with it for the most part. L is just now starting to experience this type of pain. I worry more about developing a hernia than hurting my back. Let your legs do the work not your back. Thanks again for the congrats!! We are all very excited.

Juju~Good to hear from you and glad the floors are in and you have heat again. Wishing you a less stressful New Year...you sure had enough in 2013. Come back when you can.

Hugs to everyone!!

(((((((((Zoo))))))))))) your post brought tears to me too. Yes, it is what we do with what we are given and at times it is very hard. I am blessed to have G's support. The crazies are having less and less effect on me. I am getting over the PTSD anxiety much faster, and the 3 am and 8 am phone calls today just triggered an "Oh, it's her again."

I truly am sorry for the abuse you had as a child. I had verbal and emotional abuse, but very little physical abuse. It must have added to the scariness and feelings of helplessness of it all. I know others here have experienced the same. I think we all are a tribute to the survival capacity of the human spirit.
Huge ((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))) re your healing experience. Your pain was validated in a very special way. Bless that man for speaking up. God is good.

You wrote - "This is going to has to be the year of setting ourselves free to allow choices that will bring joy to those that suffer here, our lives count just as much so we have to take the time to say NO, set boundaries and HEAL!"

A big AMEN to that. I found it interesting, as yesterday I wrote a friend with whom I shared this stuff, to say that this is the year of freedom. I believe it for me and others.

Talking about laughing, I have had to chuckle at something mother said when she told me her sex glands were removed. She added in one voice mail "and they were perfectly good". It is those things which tip the crazies into the realm of totally ridiculous and make us laugh. No doubt at 101 her sex glands were perfectly good! Maybe that is why she has made it this far... oh dear, my imagination is running away with me lol. BTW her ovaries were removed with her uterus when she was about 37 due to endometriosis.

Prayers for you to continue in your healing journey. I am blessed by the progress you are making.

book - ((((((( hugs))))) and prayers for you too to be able to detach more. I am sorry that your father's behaviour is worse. You have dealt with and are dealing with such a difficult situation. I think you are a Kick Ass Girl with all the honours. You have so much spunk. Thanks for the insight re the smear campaign and advice to watch my back. I am working on doing that. Fortunately the professionals who deal with mother are supportive of me. I hope you get more respite when you need it.

ju - so glad to see you posting again and that you have floors, warmth and a bed to sleep in. I don't know how you have done it. Honestly, if we gathered together all the experiences caregivers have and wrote a book about them, people would think it was fiction. Wonderful that you had some time off visiting your BFF. Crab feed and turkey dinner sound fabulous. I am so glad you got away and went to the shower. Also glad you are looking at ways to get a little more time to yourself. You need and deserve that. Lord, make it work for ju.

margeaux - I reread your note - many guys do not do these things naturally, so it is more special when they do. I am not sure that lowering expectations is always a bad thing. Their way as guys of showing feelings is very different from ours as women. Gary communicates much better now than he did and it makes a huge difference to me. The other day I realized that it is really foreign to him and he has done it just for me as he has seen that I need it. So I told him that I realized that and appreciated so much that he would do this for me. It was a nice moment. At the same time, I work for improvement in several areas too. Yes, mother's delusions are at a new level, and it is sad, and yet, in a way it makes it a little easier to deal with her, as it points out how sick she is. The only control issue I have is with her moving, as I believe it would be detrimental to her. She would once again be able to snow people for a while, until the illness factor surfaced too much, and all the while she is declining and who knows what crazy scheme she would come up with next. At least where she is they are aware of her problems, keeping an eye on her and trying to get her treated. At a new place, she would have a new case manager, new home care staff, and others - back to square one. Take care!

Snowfall warning here for today. I have asked my oldest grandson to come over and shovel tomorrow and will take him out for supper. We got a warning from the city about cleaning the sidewalks as they had not been done when Gary was away. I will have to make sure that g'son knows to shovel them when he is house/cat sitting and it snows. He was not brought up to do such things, but never too late to learn.

Love and hugs to everyone. Have a good day and stay warm!!!

Correction - when I said I set a pattern of visiting and helping on an annual bases - I meant I had an annual pattern, not that I visited annually. I have visited at least 4 times a year over the 16+ years since mother has been in the west, and on each visit helped her with whatever she needed, bought her groceries, took her places, etc. I spent time with her after her gall bladder op when she recuperated. In the past 10 years I have stayed in hotels, as she has been too difficult for me to stay with. All in all it had cost me a fair amount of money.

[Emjo maybe it was her cojones she thought they'd taken..?]

I think my (Australian, now) SIL is getting towards your kind of annual schedule, very slowly. She has the excuse of being in Australia, I suppose, has lived there since 1988; but for longer than that would explain we saw almost nothing of her. Now every four to six months either she comes here or my other SIL and MIL go there; and I think she's also worked hard to make sure it doesn't follow what used to happen - hugs and tears at the airport, followed by five minutes' polite conversation, followed by a fortnight of sulks, tantrums, major arguments and wild accusations until she went home exhausted and enraged. Now she and her (delightful) husband stay in a good hotel not too close to MIL and make sure their schedule's good and busy. And when MIL is in Aus. they arrange plenty of trips and house parties, to dilute her I imagine. I'm sure they still have their moments, but at least it doesn't turn into a dead waste of several thousand dollars.

I don't know how much longer this can continue, mind you. If my MIL were showing signs of getting to 100 virtually unchanged I think there'd be a stampede to Switzerland among her children… No, that's mean of me, I take it back. But I have no idea how they'll manage when she's not fit enough to travel long-distance or be taken out and about much.

ANYWAY - the point, surely, is that suggesting you've ignored, abandoned, ostracised (or whatever the accusation is) your mother is too ludicrous for words. Have you asked sister when she's coming over to look after her mother properly, in her own home, by the way? I expect she's got the date in her diary, yes?

My sister's coming to lunch tomorrow. I airily invited her, must have been drunk when she rang. She's bringing the dog, but not the husband. Ah well. I found myself beginning to panic-buy in the supermarket - olives, pretzel sticks, caviar with Bath Olivers, hazy memories of what she used to like in the olden days - and then remembered the chollah/stollen débacle and decided she'll get what she's given. Which will be a nice roast with my signature potatoes and carrots from the garden (if there are any), followed by apple crumble and custard. No starter, because mother won't have room for pudding. And no cheese because sister said - meaningfully, or maybe I was just being paranoid - she wants to lose a few pounds (I once said she looked fat in her new bathing costume. I was six years old at the time, and probably didn't know about breasts. She hasn't forgiven me). Just an ordinary Sunday lunch… what can possibly go wrong?

Emjo,

Just as I suspected re: your sister, remember I told you she behaved in a paranoid way, when she and your mother were in cahoots, during her visit with her?
She really is not operating at the normal level.I agree with others here who have said for you to alert the attorney. About wondering what kind of damage this could bring, say if others believe this garbage.....well I'm sure the truth will win out, so don't go worry your head about this. I know this kind of behavior. My brother the "golden boy," did this. But it's interesting how it manifests with people. He would brag a lot, try to run things by the other siblings in a hurried rush when it came to legal matters. He did it this way, I finally analyzed, to confuse people, throw a bit of misdirection in our path, this way it takes the focus off the real issues. The old "smoke and mirrors," trick. I feel that your sister is attempting to do the same, and you're too evolved and not having it!
Well, now that you admitted to your chuckle about your mom's claim to having those sex glands removed, I must admit that when I read this I laughed my butt off.
I wanted to write about it, but didn't want for you to take it the wrong way.
Wow, and they're in perfect order, well good for her! HAAH! This comment was hilarious!

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

actually, cm, I think she still has her cojones ;-p

Sounds like your sil has it down pat. A busy schedule is a must. "Oh, yes mother, I will attend to that, but must fly now. I have an appointment." The appointment might be with the hotel hot tub, or the day spa, but it is an appointment. It is harder when they don't go out as much. Mother still enjoys going out for lunch - at the poshest and most expensive place in town, mind you, but it is worth it.

I have realised what the answer to my sister is. I will tell her that if she has made some very serious allegations and if she has concerns about my suitability it is her responsibility to engage in the proper process to have my performance evaluated. That puts the ball back in her park. She did not circulate her response to everyone, but to a chosen few, as far as I can see. I will circulate my response to everyone. Actually, years ago, she planned on mother coming over to stay near her as mother aged. Mother chose to be near me saying sis would not help her. She got that right.

Now the ludicrous again.

I had call from a taxi driver this afternoon telling me that my mother was lonely and that I really should come and visit her. He was in her apartment trying to help her with her computer. I gently told him that he did not know the whole story. I will go down next week and have two tasks so far - to visit the pharmacist to find out if the drug will 100% give her dementia (I know the answer already, of course) and to have Windows 7 installed on her computer, as she is finding Win 8 too difficult!!!! No kidding! If she can use the computer again, she will likely be better as she writes many emails which helps her let off steam. Things really fell apart last summer when her computer crashed. When I bought her new computer she said "No" to Win 7, but realises better now. She sounded very "with it", other than the paranoia about the meds. I suppose she vacillates back and forth. I am hoping I can convince her that the meds will not give her dementia, and to start taking them again. We may have some peace again!!!! Praying for this. Re the move I have heard no more so will let sleeping dogs lie.

Oh Lord, I feel for you, cm. Your sis is coming for lunch. You MUST have been drunk. Glad she will get what she is given and it sounds good too. I have read a few good suggestions here about visuals to get you through. Imagine her with antlers on or some such silly thing. Hasn't forgiven you about a remark you made when you were 6? Sounds like a personality disorder to me. What could possibly go wrong? In my experience, everything, but I don't want to discourage you. Put on your blue tights, tuna cans, magic bracelets to ward off the toxic forces, and your tiara to show you are queen of your circumstances. Will your ex be there to help "dilute" her.

Queenism - No matter how many times life knocked on her door bringing trouble she could handle it. She was the strong and resilient Queen of her own life.

Also there is a difference between being people pleasing or being a pleasing (pleasant) person.

cm - be sure to let us know how it goes. This care giving would be so much easier without the sibs wouldn't it?

Hugs to you. My thoughts and prayers will be with you tomorrow.

ah margeaux - had another laugh when I read your post. I am glad you enjoyed it. This is how we survive.
My sis is not normal - never has been. I have alerted the attorney, and am at peace about it. As I wrote above, I will invite sis to follow up properly with her allegations. I haven't lost my cojones either lol. You are right it is smoke and mirrors. Don't worry writing about anything you find funny. I don't offend easily and a good laugh is worth a lot. It was the "perfect order" part that really got to me. lol
Hope you are having a good evening. I will light a fire, have a hot (non alcoholic) drink and enjoy being out of the cold weather.

Even little treats like this count. (((((((hugs))))))

Sharynmarie,

Congratulations about your daughter's pregnancy.
Babies......they just give so much positivity to a family!
O.K., granny, keep us posted. How exciting, for sure!

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

I

Emjo-
OK, just had to ask. I suppose that you would recommend the image of moose antlers to countrymouse? ;-P

absolutely!!!! lol

How about handing some Christmas lights from them?

*hanging*

So good news my partner said take a vacation even a week and go see your cousin so what did I do I booked a flight and going to see my Aunt and Uncle and cousin who I have just started to get to know really nervous and feeling guilty my Mom and Step-Dad do not know yet telling her two weeks before I go but telling the case manager this week to set respite care just really nervous and anxiety about everything the planes and Jets leaving my Mom my partner I know it sounds silly but that is the way I am my boyfriend said do it and talk me into it! Any advice do you guys think it's okay just worried about my Mom's reaction she will be mad or say something like can you afford that right now etc

Let the guilt go - you have nothing to feel guilty about; Your boyfriend is good for you and he is giving you good advice. I am not sure I would tell your mum and step dad two weeks ahead of time - that gives them 2 weeks to harass you and figure out things to keep you with them. Why tell them that soon? They will try to punish you for living your own life.

I expect your mum will get mad - so what. Her feelings are her responsibility, not yours.You are entitled to a life which is not just being at her beck and call. You are not her servant. You are being responsible by bringing someone else in to care for her, It really doesn't matter if she likes it or not.

My mother called and wants me to come down to see her. I said I would be down in a week. She said that is not soon enough. I need you here in a day or two. I asked what for - she gave some nonsense answers. I repeated I would be down in a week. She said if something terrible happens to me before than I put it on your shoulders. I said "Sure - absolutely". End of conversation.

It has taken me some years to be able to detach from her, but if you practice it will come to you too.

Develop a mantra for example -"Her anger is her problem - not mine" and keep saying it to yourself when she gets angry, if that is what bothers you most. Speak the truth to yourself. "I am a worthwhile person and I am entitled to a life of my own" "I have helped mother a lot and I have nothing to be guilty about." and so on. It will strengthen you.

Big ((((((hugs)))))) I am so happy you have taken this step. Go and enjoy yourself and don't let them spoil it. I am proud of you!