The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Overwhelm,
Yes, she will be mad. Yes, she will make nasty remarks. But you are an adult, a grown woman, a Queen. She has the right to get angry. She does not have the right to make nasty remarks, but she will anyway.

You have the right to arrange for her care, and then GO AWAY for a while, and enjoy yourself. When she is angry, don't get angry or defend yourself. "Yes, I know it will be hard for you while I'm away, but X will be here taking care of you."

"I know you'll miss me. I'll miss you too. (Say it even if you have to lie!) But think how great it will be to see each other when I get home!"

Be sweet and kind and FIRM.

Sounds like you are all having some good fun!! Good for you!! Grab your blue tights, tuna cans, and put on your shield of DETACH: Do Enact Tough Action: Chose Health!

Thank you Joan and Margeaux for the congrats. I am back to earth now after 24 hours of being on a cloud.

Today was interesting as L was being trained to do the supply load, after 1.5 hours the assistant store manager texted the Bakery manager saying L went home sick...she was vomiting.

Enjoy your down time, we don't get it often enough and laughter really does help!!

Joan so glad your nephew supported you-it is amazing he seems normel with the mother he got

Well, June, we had/have terrible mothers too and we turned out OK. :-D
His sister, my niece has a drinking problem and is manipulative. My sister went to court and won family money from her kids that they had inherited from their aunt, then disinherited her son (my nephew), and they have been estranged for some time. I think she has seen her grandson twice. She has tried to come between him and his wife all along. I really didn't know him well, but finally a few years ago, I had to write him and tell him how appalled I was at his mother's behaviour. We have been corresponding ever since. He said the estrangement came from the way my sis spoke to his wife, not the money.They are a lovely family and I plan on going overseas to visit with them. I have had several invitations to stay with them. His wife's mother is "strange" too. There seem to be a lot of them around,

I had to laugh at mother - she wants me to come down, so I said I would and try to get her computer set up again. First, in very soft tones, she said "That's nice" then the usual imperious "When are you coming down" and I said in about a week. She said "That's not soon enough" Something terrible may happen to me here." I asked what, and she went on about some nonsense then said in an angry tone "If anything happens to me before you come I put it on your shoulders" I answered "Sure - absolutely" and she had no answer to that. What was unusual was the very soft tone when she first heard I was coming. She sounded so pleased and touched, then reverted back to her "normal". I have read of others whose narcissistic mothers have improved as they declined. I hope this trend continues with mother. I guess part of it is they have to be in control. Have a great day!!!

Zoolife,

This is absolutely wonderful what your friend said to you.
It's interesting how many times in our low moments.....someone we know comes through and is just there for us. You're blessed to have a friend like this in your life.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Overwhelm,

Definitely go, and have a great time. I agree with others too, that maybe it's not a good idea to tell them so soon before your trip. Just keep telling yourself, that you're going to have a good time, and not have fear about other's reactions.
You know you deserve this.

Be Strong!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

I would like to thank you all for your advice and personal story's you guys are all really helping me get through tough times God bless you all and I hope that in all your sad moments some light will shine in quickly!

I spoke with my sister end of this week. She was telling me that our brother, "golden boy," had a kidney stone attack. Can you believe that he drove himself to the hospital? They were admitting him because aside the kidney stone, he was showing thickening of the colon wall on a Cat Scan. He'd recently had a colonoscopy, which came out good. But his colonoscopy doc concurred w/the kidney stone docs that they wanted to run more tests. He was sent home w/some pain meds, and hopefully he'd pass the stones. Then I called her today, Sun., to see whether this had happened. Now she's telling me they're at the hospital again,
because now he's having a gallstone pain. They found that one of the stones is obstructing a duct. So he's getting Laparascopic surgery tomorrow morning.
Oh vey! I'm going to the hospital tomorrow. So if I could request that you put out a spiritual holler for my brother, I would really appreciate it.

Now, I have to be strong!
Thankx, Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Overwhelm, she will go bananas. But you won't hear her because you will be away having a lovely time. Win win! Or, to put it another way: "nur nur ni nur nur…"

Or, to put it Jinx's much more adult and helpful way, don't worry, and be reassuring. Nothing awful will happen to her. She will be fine. You will be fine. It is really important to go ahead with this trip.

Buoyant because have discovered the secret of a happy family lunch: oversleep catastrophically because for the first time in MONTHS your mother does not wake up around six and therefore neither do you. Wake at ELEVEN????!!! and realise that on this planet you cannot stuff, truss, baste and roast a four pound chicken in two hours, not from a standing start anyway, and all is lost and there is no hope and therefore no point in worrying further. Rush tea and meds to mother ignoring unwelcome intrusive thought "oh God she hasn't died has she..?" Find mother bright as button and well-rested, first words "we haven't got anything on today, have we?" Text sister not to hurry. Field garbled voicemail from nephew at airport about to fly to Shanghai asking for telephone number of cousin's ex-wife??? Text number to brother's phone as requested. Re-listen to voicemail and glean something to do with documents and lawyers - penny drops: cousin's ex-wife is lawyer. Text them cousin's ex-wife's work number. Realise nephew referred to wrong surname, and was corrected by (moron-face) SIL in background, only with another incorrect surname. Text correct surname. Consider sending fourth text "that's all right, don't mention it" but decide childish to mind receiving no thanks or acknowledgment, and anyway irony not moron-face SIL's strong suit. Sure they're far too busy for anything like basic good manners. Partner returns from junior Rugby coaching early and starts making sandwiches. Remind him am cooking Sunday lunch. Partner removes sandwich equipment from counter to kitchen table, helpfully, and continues making sandwiches. Remind him am cooking Sunday lunch for him too. Sister arrives with dog (fox terrier), plus chocolates and nice white Burgundy. Our dog (Staffie) politely shares toys with guest dog. Guest dog decides resident cat too old and grumpy to be fun. Despatch sister and partner with both dogs for long Sunday walk. Peace reigns. Walkers return and guest dog carried to bathroom for emergency bath while I finish vegetables and pretend timing was calculated. Lunch fine, albeit eaten at almost tea-time. Mother presides in pyjamas like it was perfectly normal, and has second helpings. Can't think what I was worried about.

So no need for moose antlers today, Emjo! - though another time they might well come in handy, and be much better karma than remembering how much cellulite goes on under those designer chinos…

Just the funeral to get through on Thursday now. Oh God. Don't know if brother and SIL will be there, but they should be. Younger brother probably not: he should be, too, but I'm betting he can't possibly get a day off work for his aunt's funeral (especially difficult to get a day off if you don't ask for it, of course). Sister will be. Hague cousin and his lovely ex-wife (no male can understand why he let her go, let alone cheated on her), of course, and possibly their lovely son. Cousin from Canada, aunt's cousin from Massachusetts - somehow, they seem to find time when it matters. SIL will probably do the rounds telling entire family that I've refused all offers of help with mother and am trying to isolate her from them. She will be in for a shock: virtually all those same family members have had more contact with mother over the last year than she has, mainly because they occasionally pick up the phone and/or visit. My kids will be there, mob-handed. Hope lovely nephew too. Psychiatrist SIL (on my ex's side) is coming to support my mother, and because my aunt was kind to her, and because she is a poppet.

Now wondering how older brother will take the realisation that the only person who "hasn't time" to give my mother any emotional support is, apparently, him. Not well, I'm guessing. Wonder whose fault that will become in his head?!

Country mouse -
My very small New Years Eve party went sort of like that, mostly because all of the guests are nice and friendly and interesting and interested. How relieved I felt! It sounds like you handled it all well.

Margeaux~sending up positive thoughts and prayers your way. Kidney stones are very painful to say the least. Keep us posted...Hugs and love to you!!
Sharyn

I had a customer tonight who is a real estate agent with Prudential here in town. My sister said she wanted a to check out agents here in town and I suggested Prudential....He gave me his info so on Tuesday when sis I meet with the woman who is going to give us an estimate on the contents of mom's house, I will see if sis wants to contact with man. Trying to move forward even though it will be hard to let go of mom's house because of emotional attachments to our childhood...but it has to be done so we can get the best price for mom. Bring up a lot of memories and pain because I don't want to go forward even though I know we have to.

Oh-oh! - or, brilliant! Can't decide. Call from my daughter this morning: she got on the phone yesterday to my nephew, son of older brother and moron-face SIL, and the two of them are now in cahoots to sort out their obstinate parents…

If anyone spots any newcomers on the forum saying things like "my mother and uncle/my father and auntie are a pair of idiots - how can we knock their stupid fat heads together?" could they please alert me...

CM you are a good storyteller you made the whole thing seem alive-even though it was no walk in the park for you.

Wow, this is a timely topic. I just got off a 1 hour rant from my 83 yr old mom... she is desperately unhappy because she feels unloved (mostly true). Family very dysfunctional... father very difficult, parents divorced after about 30 years. Father died about 8 yrs ago, now it is just mom and two siblings in town... I live about 1000 miles away. Mom is very controlling and judgemental...despite being active and vocal churchgoer, has no friends and thinks even the pastor(s) are not good enough... basically, I think she is depressed that we don't have what she considers a loving family (well, we don't) and she is desperately unhappy. Even when the other siblings do stuff for her, it is never enough, or they don't seem happy to be there, or they don't invite her to the grandkids games, or they don't talk to her at family gatherings, etc. It never ends. I literally don't know what to tell her. I am not even sure that this has *anything* to do with aging.. it may just be her personality!
Of course it is harder being so far away... If I were there, I would make more of an effort to include her and visit at least once a week.. not sure that does happen or not as it is. I think she is extremely jealous and angry that the two daughters-in-law have loving families and get together often, etc. But I can see that she is getting more and more, well, just *angry*. I have tried to cautiously bring up ideas, such as that she needs to cultivate other friends and relationships, but that never happens, probably due to her issues.

She is basically still able to care for herself, and lives alone, and still drives, but I do not know what to do in this situation. My biggest fear is that she will cause things to get to such a break that the other two siblings will not have anything to do with her, and then what happens?

Thanks for listening!

BoodaGazelle, There are a lot of sour old ladies in assisted living where they can be sour together. My mthr is the most unlovable person on earth, but she has made good friends with the second most unlovable person at her memory care home.

It's likely that gma's complaints about people not talking to her are true because she's a complainer! They have set boundaries with her so that they can survive. If you lived closer, you would likely set the same boundaries. What happens in the future? She moves into a home where people who serve her can detach and be loving because she is NOT their relative. And she will be nicer to them BECAUSE they are not family.

surprise - thanks for replying... at some point, I hope that assisted living, and the environment you describe, can be a part of the solution... but as she is seemingly unable to make friends currently, either around her condo or even at her church, it is hard to see how she would magically make friends in any living situation...

BoodaGazelle, surprise is right - they seem to bond over their wicked ungrateful children..! It's like the Monty Python "Four Yorkshiremen" sketch only featuring little old ladies and twice as heavy on exaggeration.

Do you have much contact with your two on-hand siblings? I'm not suggesting you should share your mother's comments (?! - though it could be fun!!!) but you might find it reassuring if you discover they know what she's like and they take it all with as big a pinch of salt as they need.

My late aunt (not the one who just died) used to call it "happy being miserable" - not that she was in much of a position to criticise. Don't let it get you down too! x

Jinx, I think "handled" is probably putting it a bit strongly - "doggy-paddled helplessly with the tide well" may be more like it!

Austin, thank you - it was fun telling it! When it goes really badly then not so much fun...

Sharyn I like the "detach" acronym. I know that selling your mum's house does bring pain but it has to be done. I still hang onto a few things of Gordie's. Sometimes we have to rely in memories.

overwhelm - you are welcome and keep coming back for support - we all need it

margeaux - I am sorry about the health problems your bro is having - that is a lot of pain!!! It is good the docs are on top of it. Sending prayers for his recovery from all of this. Be strong ((((((((((((hugs))))))))))

cm - what a ride!!!! You did so well. I am impressed!!! and got a good sleep as well. Dispatching people for a long walk is always a good idea. The phone call sounds like "who's on first" by Abbott and Costello. Hope the funeral is tolerable. Sounds like it could be a three (or four or five) ring circus. Breath deep - the antlers may work here too. Try to laugh. Natives (I am an honorary and card carrying native) laugh at funerals and it does help. You do have some complicated relatives.

jinx - you threw a party???? Good for you. I still have to have son and dil over for Christmas dinner.

booda welcome - You will find many who understand your story. It sounds like your mother may be narcissistic. Never enough and never good enough are give-aways and jealousy. It sounds like her personality, is perhaps exaggerated by aging. Even if you were closer and did things with her, I rather doubt it would make her any happier. Some things can't be fixed. Truthfully, suggestions to her may not be of any use. She is negative, she is angry, her glass is half empty and this is her pattern. Increasing anger could be a sign of the onset of something so it may be a good idea to have her evaluated, if she would agree with that. Sounds like people have drawn boundaries, because of the way she interacts. My mother has lost friends in the past few years as she gets increasing paranoia. I don't think you can do anything about that. What is necessary is that she is safe, fed etc. You are not responsible for her happiness, nor have you any control over it. You can listen to her, but even that may become too much for you in time. Assisted living may be needed for her at some point, but will not necessarily make her happy. Hugs to you and join the crowd. Many of us have mothers who are very unhappy and nothing helps that. You have to detach for your own sanity.

surprise - I challenge that claim about your mother and I think others here would too lol. We have quite a collection. My mother is in an ALF but has not made any close friends though she does have people she interacts with. They certainly can commiserate about having their stuff "stolen". It is great that your mum made a friend there.

cm again - happy being miserable - right on! Agreed that you are a great story teller.

It is amazing how quickly things change. I was looking at a friend's email of about 5 days ago and she said "Have a nice week" That was before the "removal of the sex glands", and my sis accusing me of wanting mother dead. Well, you can say it isn't boring, and something inside tells me it will get "less boring" before it gets better!!!

Bu,t I can have a good day anyway and hope you all do too! Grandson will come over today to finish the shovelling. There was a lot of snow and more last night, and with my shoulder I just can't shovel.

Some very nice news - my granddaughter, who is in grade 4, tested at a reading level of Grade 7 and a math level of Grade 6. She has always been a good steady student, but never showed any signs of being gifted. Apparently her class has a number of very bright students so the teacher is looking at providing some more challenging work for them. Very nice news and her great grandmother will be delighted - for a minute or two.

Take care all - and do something good for you today! Love and hugs

Emjo, I needed this reminder! " I expect your mum will get mad - so what. Her feelings are her responsibility, not yours.You are entitled to a life which is not just being at her beck and call. You are not her servant. You are being responsible by bringing someone else in to care for her, It really doesn't matter if she likes it or not."

On Friday, my husband & I were out at dinner, and I called mom to see if she needed any groceries before we left the restaurant. From hello to hangup, it was hateful invective straight from the devil's oven. Wow. The people nearby me gave some very alarmed looks at the noise coming out of my phone.

Sadly, this is not new behavior for her, so I can't blame it on dementia. She has always done this to me. I remember standing in the college dormitory hallway in 1989, holding the phone away from my head in order to not go deaf from her screaming and berating. Back then, I had to wait it out because I didn't know that was a form of abuse. But now I do.

I interrupted her tyrade and said very calmly, "You sound very angry about something, so maybe this is a bad idea right now. We'll do groceries another time when you aren't so upset." This way I don't have to own fixing whatever her problem is, nor do I have to step & fetch on demand.

That calm little statement cranked her "up to 11" so to speak. Holy Smokes Granny! She really lit in. I have trained myself to tune out and go to my happy place, so I can't even really say what she was on about. I heard something about me being the devil and a b*tch and I'll be sorry and don't shop at Target for my groceries because they don't have potato salad and they're going out of business, blah de blah de blah. I just interrupted her and said I have to go now and will talk to her another time. The end.

We did pick up some of her typical requests from week to week - OJ, eggs, milk, bread, peanut butter, and incontinence pads. I took them inside the apartment building lobby and asked the lady at the front desk if I could just leave the cart parked there until mom comes down to get it - wild horses couldn't get me to take her stuff up to her that night. The front desk lady is so nice and knows about mom & understands what I'm dealing with, so she was fine with it. She said she'd call up & tell her to come get her stuff. *Thank you!!*

In the car, on the way home, I called mom & told her that we dropped off groceries for her, and she needs to go get them before the milk spoils. No thank you, no I'm sorry, nothing but very terse and angry comments about it better be the right stuff this time, and something about putting on shoes and a coat to go out for a walk. ??? This woman won't walk more than 20 feet to the dining room, and it's Minnesota Cold outside, so I just let the comment go. Whatever. Do go take a walk outside to appreciate the safe and warm place you have to live and that you have a daughter & son in law who bring you supplies for free!

I think I'm going to sign her up for the local grocery delivery service. You go online, put stuff in your cart, pay, and they bring it on the day you pick. No, you don't have the brand choices, but it beats what I have been doing and it not being good enough. I can make it easier on myself and still have it not be good enough for her! At least it's more of a win for me!

Here's hoping for a nice calm Monday, and that everybody can have a pleasant start to the week.

Wow, Sandwich. Well at least she's got the courage of her convictions? - all right as a desperate attempt to think of something positive to say that is pretty feeble, I agree… But nicely played with the restaurant cell-phone conversation; and I bet among the alarmed looks were other people wincing and thinking "yes, I've got one like that, too…"

Does anyone ever envy them? This amazing lack of any scruples when it comes to demanding one's own way. I fantasise about the day when I'm old enough to demand that someone peel me a grape, clap-clap, and don't give me any of that Chilean tat like last time I want Muscat NOW. Actually I really have fantasised about hiring a lychee-peeler but that's because the little blighters get your hands so sticky. And I wouldn't ask my daughters to do it.

What are people's feelings about projection? Valid theory or psycho-hokum? I'm thinking of Emjo's sister's accusation back there, alongside my brother's allegation that I need more help (I do?), and his son feels guilty (he does?), and my mother needs to see more of him (she does?)… Hm. He's not in the mood for a facetious lecture on personal pronouns so don't think I'll take it up with him right now. Just interested.

Sandwich you've also made me grateful that when my SIL and her husband came down to see us the other weekend, the husband and I ganged up on SIL and all-but physically stopped her calling her mother to "make sure she was ok." I'd been worried we'd been too forceful with her, though we were completely certain a) that MIL would be fine and b) that if she wasn't fine we'd already have heard all about it. I don't think MIL would quite have matched your mother for volume or vocabulary but it would still have ruined a lovely evening for SIL. Now I feel we were justified.

Cranked her up to 11… Oh boy. Do you ever consider doing it on purpose and selling the footage..?!

..

Emjo, If it had not been for your fantastic commentary about your narcissists, I don't think I would still be taking care of this wicked witch! :)

I don't know that mthr has friends in the truest sense, but she interacts with people, they stop by her room to make sure she goes to lunch with them, and she sits with them while they watch tv. She reads then, so it is very much parallel play like little kids do. That seems close enough to call friends.

Booda - Mthr is a woman who did not have social contact with anyone except the McDonalds workers and the bank for the last 15 years since she retired. She was a level 5 hoarder and did not have any socializing at home since 1975. Her social contacts in the home are better than I ever dreamed!

wow - sandwich!!! You did good!!! I would not have called and told her I dropped off the groceries. It just opens you up for more abuse, but there was a time when I would have. I think you handled that so very well. Signing her up for the local grocery service sounds like a great idea. It will never be good enough for them so you might as well make it easier for you - agree 100%. I am doing that more and more. It is part of surviving a narcissistic parent,

cm - projection. I definitely think my sis was projecting when she wrote about me having a vested interest in mothers demise. She has been concerned about her inheritance much more than I have.
Wikipedia
Psychological projection was conceptualized by Sigmund Freud in the 1900s as a defense mechanism in which a person unconsciously rejects his or her own unacceptable attributes by ascribing them to objects or persons in the outside world.[1] For example, a person who is rude may accuse other people of being rude.
I see mother use this all the time too - especially the rude thing. She, of course, in her estimation. is never rude.(NOT).
I am glad you stopped sil from calling her mother. She is pretty enmeshed.

billy - hope you are realising it is not all your fault, and taking some steps to protect yourself and have some time for you. I know you wrote about thinking it was all your fault. I will guarantee you, it isn't.

surprise - did I really do you a favour if it kept you caregiving her???? lol I find that understanding helps. Sounds like your mum has meaningful acquaintances at least. I don't suppose they would jump off a bridge for her, but I wouldn't do that for my friends either. She certainly is doing much better in the ALF than she did at home. Hmmm - no social contact except Mickie D's and the bank - that got me thinking. I don't do much better that the two grocery stores and the drug store myself, but then I do have G when he is home, and a little social contact with kids and grandkids, and the odd lunch out... Guess I am doing OK, but retiring does do a number on your social life.

Take care

Countrymouse - I wish I had been journaling my mom's answering machine messages for the past 25 years. They have all been exactly the same. Depressing, guilt inducing, negative drama bombs. Except one. The first day she ever took Prozac, her message was happy. The birds were singing, the sun was out, and it was a gorgeous day.

Who are you and what have you done with my mother? Don't worry, it didn't last.

Emjo - I think projection has *a lot* to do with it. Especially for the ones with BPD/NPD who have a shaky and uncertain identity. It's easy to classify us as the bad one when we are just the container for all their self-hatred, and not a real person of our own. I was an A+ goody two shoes, Sunday-school leading gal all through high school, but my mother accused me of every vice and sin she could think of if I tried to do anything with a friend or God forbid - a boy. She gave me some great ideas for when I went off to university! ;-D

The only time I ever feel anything like pity is when I think about her childhood. All I know is that it was grim. Rural south, Depression years, extreme poverty, the youngest baby died of pneumonia, her dad was notoriously mean as a snake and would run the family out of the house with a shotgun, and she was ridiculed for a learning disability and "big ears" - which aren't big. Everything I know about her youth I learned from my Dad. She nor her siblings talk about their childhood, so I have to think it was pretty bad to make her like she is. I can't imagine there was much affection, love, or simple validation as a human going on. Sad.

Yesterday my brother was operated for the gallstone.
He'd just went for a kidney stone attack last week, of which they gave him pain meds. But then on the weekend he was having pain in the gallbladder area.
He's very stubborn apparently when it comes to withstanding pain, and having any sense about going to the ER, or hospital. He drove himself to the hospital the day he'd had the kidney stone episode, since there was no one at home.
Then my sister tells me, that he'd been having the gb pain for over a night and day, when finally he returned. He had a stone, lodged in a duct. So laparascopic surgery was the only option. The removed the gb.

So I took the long drive to the hospital, as he lives over 65 miles from me.
When I arrived, he was being wheeled to his room. My sister and I left him alone,
he was completely knocked out after the procedure. It was quite far, and I went alone.....but glad I was there. Really didn't get to see him much. But I felt it important that I be there no less. I think they release him today.

But my sister was telling me that his colonoscopy doctor had told him over a week ago that he has Diverticulitis. So I hope he really starts to get educated about some of this.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Thank you so much Sharynmarie and Emjo for the positive thoughts about my brother, I really appreciate it! It helped a lot! I actually felt quite hesitant driving down there. I chanted all the way there, and I felt this positive energy, and even in moments of feeling that eery feeling one can get just being in a hospital environment, believe it or not........it also gave me courage.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Kisses,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

((((((hugs))))) margeaux - it must have been stressful. That is a decent drive, especially if there is traffic. Sounds like your bro has several health issues that need to be addressed. Glad his gb is out. That is one thing dealt with, though he may have to alter his diet now. Kidney stones are extremely painful and diverticulitis can lead to problems. Hospitals are not much fun, but I am sure he felt your support just because you were there. Hope he gets smarter at dealing with this stuff.

sandwich - gosh, Prozac only helped for one day. There goes another of my theories. I think their brains are wired differently. I got that teenage and young adult stuff too, and am sure there was a lot of projection there. I used to wonder what she did at that age, or, maybe more appropriately, what she wanted to do. When I was at University all hades descended on me one summer. I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong. I was studying, getting good marks, only a few dates as I had decided my studies came first, and socializing with a few friends and a few families that we all knew who were above reproach. Like "What IS the problem?" But she and my sis sure had a problem with me and I got reamed out daily and nasty stories passed around about me.
Does your mother have sibs with the same problems - due to family background/childhood? It is sad if the environment could do that to her.
My mother had 4 sibs all as normal as apple pie. She had a decent upbringing. Her father was an engineer. The family moved to Canada when she was in her teens. She returned to Norway for two years to take physiotherapy then returned to Canada. The family have told me that she was always like this. There were a few cousins in the extended family with "peculiar" and difficult personalities - all very bright. My sister has something similar, more sociopathic, and can do no wrong, like mother, and my daughter too, but she is struggling to deal with herself and develop relationships. She actually has a few friends now. We will see if it lasts. Anyway, it all points to genetics in our case. There are various theories. I suspect it is a balance of genetics and environment in most cases, that being if the genetics are there, a bad environment will trigger the problems. In mother's case and the others in our family I would have to say genetics pretty well entirely, as the same environments, all decent families, produced mostly normal/average people. I don't think any environment would have made any difference to mother. I really don't.
Wondering if there are any others in your extended family with similar problems.

Oh, I'm kind of at a loss on what to do, here. So I spoke to my sister, who spoke to our brother this a.m. She said he didn't sound good at all. He told her that this a.m., they gave him an injection in the stomach. He asked the Dr., what that was for, and the doctor told him that the gb ruptured yesterday as they were doing Lparascopic on him.

I know I was stressed yesterday, and truth be told I was only operating on 5 hrs. sleep. When I arrived at the hospital, two nurses were wheeling my brother from the surgical area to his room. I was there w/my sister. You know how after a surgery the Dr. usually comes out to tell family members how it went? Well, not at any time did we get any of that. We followed the nurses to our brother's room, and decided to let him sleep. Honestly, I noticed this thing about the Dr., but I didn't say anything to my sister.

So this a.m., is the first time we're finding out about the rupture. When my sister called to tell me about it, she said, "I think I'm going to call the Dr." She then asked me, if I could call. I was stumped over here just wondering what had happened. But now, I felt rather uncomfortable......being asked by my sister to do this. I've never had any connection to any of my brother's Drs. His own kids who are now grown adults and live w/him, are these type of young people who know nothing about advocating for their father. My sister of course because she needs to take over.......when I didn't really say yay, or nay that I would call the Dr., said she was going to do this. I was wondering too, whether some Dr. would be willing to talk to me, a stranger to him......would we need MPOA for this? I'm starting to wonder, because he's still married, but the wife doesn't live in the family home. He threw her out a year and a half ago. That family is very, very dysfunctional.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Anyway, any advice?

Much Love & Light! Margeaux