
Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
we've our other youngest brother, (who lives way closer to my ill brother), but I never hear her mention including him on some of this. He's also the type who would never offer, either.I feel like she's crossing some boundaries again.
Am I right with my feelings? I feel like too.....the more my sister and me become involved, it's never going to set the stage for his OWN kids to become more pro-active. My brother still has 3, of them living w/him, and they don't pay any rent!
Plus he has like a a daycare situation going on daily in his household, since his eldest (now 30 yrs. old) takes care of his two age one and a half and three year old girls. It's like my brother has set it up so he is always giving, giving but there's little to no expectations in return.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way!
Sharyn
Thanks so much. I'm so blessed to have you guys. No you didn't say anything wrong, everything.....spot on. I've been feeling a bit crummy going between really being concerned. This rupture does mean some kind of inflammation, or infection since I believe it's antibiotics he's being given. Of course in a heart beat, I'd advocate for him to a degree. On the one hand, sometimes I know and I do give my sister credit for doing some of the things she does. But i't's just too much......and well now I'll get on my soap box about how things have been w/this brother.You're right......dad behaved this way, when it came to his previous marriage and all those kids he had w/the ex-wife. He supported them financially,
but wasn't there for them emotionally. This is our brother.......he's provided and continues to a roof over everyone's head, then I'm sure food.......but he's too consumed w/that....he's missing the other component so that his family would be way more responsible, and help him especially now under the circumstances. 'Also, as far as his wife is concerned, I can't even really defend him there, like say she's not willing to become a bit concerned, not even since he's her kid's dad, etc. He's the one who threw her out. Instead of thinking about it differently,
and trying to see if they could seek counseling or something of the sort, in other words.....try to find a remedy. Now he's alone.......w/all these health issues.
I'm feeling once again like the chicks are the ones feeling like we have to pick up the slack. Anyway, thank you, I really appreciate your input.
Taking deep breaths,
Much Love & LIght! Margeaux
I completely agree with you too, I would never call his doctor, just because he's never asked me out and out to do that. But if you remember that when he got operated for the Prostate, his ex-wife was still w/in the household. She and the kids were all there the day of the procedure, as well as my sister. The doctor came out post surgery to tell the what had happened, everything o.k. He then told my SIL, she could go in to see him. Sil, turned to my sister saying she didn't like doing that kind of thing. How wonderful! So my sister took it upon herself to go in, and even talked to dr.s as if she was the wife, on the phone. Oh boy!
I realize this, and just think it's not totally right.
For the life of me, don't know how the last paragraph got separated.
Margeaux
Keep yourself as a support person, help your sister when you can. Burn some sage, it will help to clear the stress and negativity.
Love and Hugs to you!!
Sharyn
Sis is not back to work yet,maybe this week. She is still very forgetful but her speech is not slurring like it did before. She said she has stopped taking the antidepressants and is blaming the meds for causing her to be in brain fog. i have to agree that she went downhill when she started taking these meds..I had no problems with antidepressants but I understand they are not for everyone.
The pace is picking up and I have to move fast to remove anything from mom's house before we sign a contract with the liquidators as they want a commission on anything we remove once the contract is signed.
On the fun side...I went on a shopping spree last night. With the extra hours I am getting, I have a little extra, so...call me over enthusiastic...LOL!! I bought infant clothing at 50% off...so much fun doing this. Back in the summer when my daughter said they were going to start trying to get pregnant by the spring of this year, I said I would buy clothes of different sizes to help them get through the first year.
Hang in there everyone, relax and find some time for YOU.
The thing that strikes me is that, although someone needs to step up and become your brother's advocate, for all sorts of good and unselfish reasons it ought not to be you. You don't live close enough. You have enough on your plate already. Your brother has grown, responsible adults who are his children and therefore his actual next of kin. I could go on.
So the biggest favour you could realistically do for your ill brother is make sure that the message gets through properly to his adult children. Kidney stones, the laparoscopy, let alone the complications - these have all happened very suddenly, and for them "out of sight, out of mind" - I really doubt whether they've begun to appreciate the full extent of what is happening. Good luck, please update, and I hope your brother's much more comfortable now.
Sad1 - any idea what triggered these new outbursts? I'm being evil, but I'm tending to think that if you can apportion any blame at all to how she was being handled, rather than her being impossible, it'll make kicking her out less straightforward for the ALF. Might buy you a breathing space? Meanwhile what are HER other options?
I'm capitalising HER because you mustn't forget that it is not YOU behaving like this, not YOU who might be evicted, and not YOU who controls her behaviour. Keep your sense of responsibility in perspective or you really will make yourself ill. Big hug. x
Again, I am sorry about this, try to relax even though it is tearing you up. We are here for you!!
Hugs and love to you!!
Sharyn
Sharyn I am so glad that the estate/ real estate meetings went well and glad your sis is appearing better. There are other antid's if needed. Not all suit all. Shopping for clothes for the grandbabies is wonderful. I miss it. Mine are too old for that now Enjoy!!!!
((((((((sad))))))) Oh my goodness - everyone's nightmare. Some good suggestions from others. I can't think of anything to add, but sending prayers your way. . Glad you talked with her - hopefully it did some good. But the time may be coming when she needs a different level/type if care. Look after you in all of this.
overwhelm - yes mention it to her doctor and he/she will decide if your mum needs more meds. Hope the appointment goes well - let us know.
Very quiet here the last couple of days thankfully. Mother's psychiatrist called and wants to see me, next week when I am down, preferably with mother, but if she doesn't want to go, the psych doc and I can strategize anyway. One consideration is different antipsychotic that mother might not fear as much. I plan on taking time for myself and hopefully G can take some time too. Distraction from the stressors is an important coping strategy. This afternoon I emailed a response to a newspaper article that interested me and the guy who wrote it answered and we had an interesting exchange. Better than sitting and stewing about the latest dysfun fam thing!!!
Take care all and do something good for you (((((((((((hugs))))))))
DS2 who I thought we'd done a pretty doggone good job raising, without the drama of a narcissistic mother, without the abuse and neglect that I experienced, became very angry when we rescued mthr from her squalor, treated her cancer, and put her in memory care. DS2 knows the anguish I've been through, and felt strongly that mthr did not deserve to be rescued, but it was not his choice. This was his senior year that it all happened.
His anger has always been a problem, but it was not until that year that it was really apparent in daily life. I've always told my kids that they would need therapy when they moved out (if not before) because we are not perfect parents, we make mistakes, and we don't want them to suffer with guilt like we did.
He secretly started dating a horrible girl in June, and was engaged by July with wedding plans for Christmas. We found out in Sept, when ds's former best friend told us the girlfriend had threatened to kill her if she called son again. PTL, gf dropped him in Nov. We told him now was the time to seek therapy.
He's now in the second week of treatment at a center, and I'm feeling like something I did, like rescuing mthr, or allowing him to know that I was abused/neglected during childhood, or my resulting lack of trust and jumping to different churches every few years, or my genetics from my crazy narcissistic hoarder mthr, is the reason for all his issues. I'm sad, I'm embarrassed, and I am so defeated feeling, realizing that internet porn has stolen another innocence and shown my son the pits of hell. What can I do to make it better?
Thank you for your suggestions.
I've done some real thinking about this situation.
Truth be told......he has his family. There's tons of dysfunction already in place, by all the players in the drama, my brother, his wife (he's really not divorced from her) she just lives in another house, then his grown kids. Since my control freak, micro-manager sister steps in all the time......that household already got the message. She did tell me that his sons have been doing shifts, being at the hospital. So I'm just going to let it be.
My sister even made me aware as to how controlling she becomes.
She explained the other day at the hospital.......that my brother had driven himself in great pain to the hospital last week on account of the kidney stone.
He started to get this gallstone attack 2 days later. Again, apparently he waited a whole day and a half, before the pain became unbearable. The story goes, that it was his kids who insisted he return to the hospital. There's definitely some real stubborness on my brother's part.
So as my sister recants all of this....she says she told his boys, that the next time if this were to happen, for them to call 911, or to call HER and she would call 911. I'm definitely getting the picture w/my sister that she gets some kind of high from being the one in charge. I responded to this, that the more available we are to all of this, is never going to place his kids in the seat of doing this on their own, w/o being told by another adult, too.
Anyway, again.....thank you for your input, it all helps.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
How wonderful that you have found both the estate sale people and this realtor.
I'm also very happy to hear that your sister likes them. Yes, this is picking up the pace for you. Hopefully, once everything is taken care of too, just think you won't have that to deal with anymore, either.
Oh, shopping for baby clothes. I've done this. I would like to go downtown to our garment district, hopefully when I have a bit extra $$. They've so many great things, for a real bargain.
I hope your sister starts feeling better.
You're in my thoughts,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Margeaux~Yes, I was happy that sis was actually listening to the estate liquidators about how we would do better having an estate sale than selling it all to one picker. 8 months ago, she didn't want to pay for someone to do it, but now she is and it really will be worth it because they will do all the work, and when the sale is over, what is left will be donated, so absolutely nothing will be left for us to deal with, how sweet is that!! We are not allowed to be there on the first day of the sale because...we may run into people we know, start gabbing and then they don't buy or also because some people may get mad when they see how things are priced or decide to argue with a customer not wanting to sell that piece after all, LOL!!
It turns out the real estate agent is from Alberta. I didn't notice his accent when he came in the store, but sure did notice when came to mom's house. We bantered back and forth about how we Americans don't pronounce vowels correctly,LOL!!
It was great being around my sister with her sense of humor back to (I hope) normal. She still is having problems with either remembering or not fully understanding at times. The estate liquidators said once sis signs the contract, we can't remove anything from the house without paying a commission on it. As we left the house, I reminded her the liquidators would be calling her to sign the contract...her response was, they will? Can't you sign it! I don't know if she just didn't hear them say this or if she just didn't fully understand.
Margeaux, you sound more relaxed today, I am happy you feel better about the situation with your brother.
Take care of yourselves, have a good day!!
It definitely was not your son's choice as to whether you helped your mum or not. His anger is his problem to deal with and I don't think you should feel any guilt about it. We have all made mistakes in bringing up our kids. I know I did. No one has perfect parents. He obviously has some problems he needs help with - that girlfriend - oh my goodness...
I so sympathize with your feelings of sadness, embarrassment and defeat, BUT, and keep repeating this to yourself. It is NOT your fault – not the genetics over which we have no control, not your changing churches, not …
As well as whatever negative influence you can think up, surely you can think up some positive ones in the way you brought him up. My kids grew up in essentially the same environment. Two of them are recovering addicts. One of those still does not cope well with life. The third one has avoided those pitfalls and is a very level headed nice guy. Go figure.
Can you make it better? I don't think so. I think you are grieving for your son and I understand that. Look after yourself. Feel the pain, but don't beat yourself up. ((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))) and come back and vent about it any time.
Ready to tear the phone out of the wall and throw it outside. Mother going on about needing to be moved from this terrible place, that I sit up here in judgement and don't understand her - all the stuff my sis loves to hear and throw back at me - then that I should talk to the home care lady in the ALF - she understands mother better than I do. I said I will talk to her. I told mother we had an appointment with the psychiatrist on Tuesday to help sort things out but mother said that is not soon enough and she needed to get out of there sooner. I told her that her fears will follow her where ever she goes. Her answer was that they will not be as bad. Oh yeah??? I told her I wasn't stopping her from moving. and she had no answer to that one then said the church is moving her on Monday. I said great! Talk to you later.
The phone rang again but I didn't answer. Then the telemarketers start!!! That is when I wanted to rip the phone out.
It is warm here - above freezing but we have winds gusting to over 100 km/hr. so if I go out it will not be far as the roads will be icy with the melting. A couple of times it sounded like the house was going to be blown down. Can't win with the weather. Sinus pain acting up - the wind will do that even if I don't go out - probably the barometric pressure changes.
Going to have a good day anyway!!!
I sometimes wonder if my brain is being damaged by having to deal with all the crazies. I read on your profile that you have an ADHD son. In itself that is very challenging. One of my sons in particular was a bit hyperactive, both older sons have learning disabilities, though they are quite bright. The area was in written expression not in math or reading, fortunately and the younger one is an auditory learner not visual.The school years were a lot of extra work for me and them. Every year trying to explain this to their teachers was a challenge. If it helps you to know, they are both adults, have good jobs and are in good relationships. On top of looking after, and I am sure advocating for your son, you have an mil with late stage PD who is a lot of work too. You have a very full plate. I had a son at 41 too. You just don't have quite the energy you had.
Feel free to come back and share more about your days. I know sometimes we wonder how we will get through them.
Just had another call from mother which I didn't answer - very reasonable, giving me the number of her case worker, which I have had for months, told me about this morning's visit to her doctor and her need to eat more carefully due to stomach problems. Wish there was a way to know which phone calls were going to be the crazy ones and which were going to be the sane ones.
Take care, all and do something good for you today