The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

CM, that's worse - to be at Their Mercy....

Book, I keep telling myself that humility is good for the soul. Especially if you can manage it without going round to your siblings' houses and biting them (so far so good!).

While I'm at it. Spent an hour not getting to sleep last night thinking about moron-face SIL and that I'm a) misrepresenting her and b) not helping anyone. Moron-face SIL is actually bipolar SIL. In my defence, I didn't know this until last year because brother maintained total radio silence on the issue for over thirty years, and prevented SIL from letting any of us know (turns out my late father witnessed an episode, asked, but was told not to ask; mother wouldn't want to know; sister had heard vague hints but nothing worth reporting… we don't have a very good family grapevine). So we didn't know. It explains a lot. It's also ruined relationships because there's a big difference between how you treat someone who's mentally ill and how you react to someone who's just naturally horrible - loud, obtuse, exhausting, overbearing, inexorable. In short, SIL has suffered for decades from a huge deficit in the compassion she was entitled to; and I feel bad about that. Very bad. I am not habitually unkind to mentally ill people.

Last March SIL had major psychotic episode, had to be admitted to a psych unit for two or three weeks, was then allowed to go home under brother's care/supervision. She also has many friends and colleagues in community health professions - dietetics, nursing, PT etc. - in and around the area. The thing is, she's much better but she's a) medicated, which makes her very hard to communicate with and b) still pretty unstable.

I would like to be more supportive. My brother won't talk about it. Last spring, when SIL blurted out what her diagnosis was, I told her I wanted him back on the phone and told him that keeping this secret was the stupidest decision he'd ever made and he was never to do anything so idiotic again. How can we support them, and be accepting of her, if we don't know what they're dealing with? He agreed - sheepishly, but he did agree. Since then, all he ever says is "she's fine." Not what I hear from other close sources, such as Lovely Nephew 2 who is desperately worried about his parents.

But anyway, I would like to be more supportive. I do, in spite of finding her a pain in the neck, care about her - she's been family for thirty three years, she's my brother's wife, she's Lovely Nephews' mother, and she's ILL. Does anyone know much about bipolar? Good approaches for communication? Stopping her interfering without making her feeling rejected or bruising her fragile self-esteem?

Horrible moment at Thursday's funeral. I needed to fetch the car and said to mother: "Can I just leave you with M. for a moment while I - ?" And mother squealed "NO!" not realising that M. was standing right behind her. Before, when we didn't know about the bipolar, we'd have brushed this off as a kind of in-joke - mother's always found SIL hard going. But now we do know how SIL is going to perceive it, it's just not funny. That's the sort of needless unkindness I'd like to avoid. I also need to get A LOT better at telling SIL to back off/butt out without making her feel worthless, unappreciated, despised… I hate to think what she feels.

On the other hand, I really do need to keep her away from my mother. The cruel reality of where SIL is at the moment is that she's very fragile, wants to help my mother see more of my brother, thinks that she'll do an A1 job of rehabilitative caring… So I'm supposed to say "great idea! 89 year old frail, mentally frail, emotionally frail mother to have close daily contact with bipolar DIL currently having treatment for psychosis - what could possibly go wrong?"

Against orders, last year I did tell my mother that SIL was ill, what sort of ill, and what help she was getting for it. I was correct in thinking that mother would understand and sympathise, and more to the point understand why her favourite son hadn't had much time to spare; no problem there. But now mother's dementia is progressing I don't suppose she can make the necessary allowances for SIL's behaviour, and if mother witnesses any further episodes it could really freak her out, no?

Just awful combination. Where do I get more info and advice? How can I help? Brother still not speaking to me - we exchanged civil but cursory sentences at funeral on Thursday as absolutely necessary, no direct conversation at all. I've got about four weeks' grace before the subject of mother's staying with/near them is due to be raised again.

Book, you are supposed to be sleeping.

CM, you are in England, correct? What is it about these British chickens wearing reflective safety vests? Just saw a clip on the morning news here of chickens crossing the road with safety vests on. What a riot, just a sample of that dry Brig humor. Google reflective safety vests for chickens on YouTube. But maybe I am a bit warped and tired this morning, or just need something to laugh at.

If bi-polor sufferers take their meds it balances them the problem is they do not like the way they feel on meds so they do not take their meds and act weird to the rest of us-my late husband was bi-polor he liked the extreme energy he had most of the time. This might help us understand their behavior.

Oo. The 'extreme energy' rings a lot of bells. Oh boy. I can understand their not wanting to lose that - goodness, I'd love to have more energy all the time! - but how do you help them keep linked in with others' reality/normality? Any tips?

Glad, I see nothing humorous in providing personal protective equipment for chickens. My own chickens don't require safety vests, having concerned neighbours who ensure that the traffic slows down for them if they should happen to wander from the garden; and as they have a heater in their house they don't need knitted bed jackets, either - but if your own hens do feel the cold, you should be able to find the pattern through the British Hen Welfare Trust's excellent website.

Somewhere in southern England they've built a bypass with a special tunnel underneath it for the local frogs to be able to cross safely. Have to get your priorities right, you know...

Hello all. Countrymouse: I enjoyed reading your post. My brother is married to someone with mental problems and both have acted the same way. My SIL, I'll call her Jan, through the years has put various relatives on her sh*t list. First it was my mom, then it was my father, then it was me. For 10 years Jan forbid my brother to talk to me. My dysfunctional mother, father, and sister played along with this as if I was a criminal. Finally I thought, this is insane and I am not playing. Now if the wife doesn't want to see someone she stays home, which pleases us all very much! My brother and Jan have a great bond and I am sure it is not a happy one all the time. We don't think much of my brother having no will of his own but hey, he likes his marriage.
I would definitely try to keep the lady away from your mom. That was funny how you wrote that paragraph: What could go wrong? Love it!!
A wise lady I know said to me after hearing my kvetching (complaints) offered two strong words of advice. "BE AMUSED".
keep the peace inside and be amused. Wow.
Juddabuddhaboo

Humility might allow us to not have to be right. That's a relief, right? :)
Humility might allow us to correct our actions. To find the compassion for the person while you are still hot and mad. To not get as mad anymore. To say to yourself,
WHO is hurting? My soul is always untouched, always rooted in joy and love even though there are moments I can't feel that. Humility is having the goal of overcoming your own junk. It takes many lifetimes, I believe.

Hi all - been mia - my thyroid is causing troubles and I have been cold, and tired and my arm/shoulder giving me a lot of trouble.

ju - the stress has to affect us. It can leave an under lying anxiety and more I am sure. I would disown my sis if I could but since mother is in contact with her she comes into my life, however, after this last bs about me having a vested interest in mothers demise. that amount of contact I have with her will be as limited as can make it, and once mother is gone, I will hire a professional to execute the will so sis cannot accuse me of being biased, and it will be sayonara sis. I have been handing this longer than most of you, and have gone for counselling off and on all my adult life - sometimes not for years sometimes, once a year, sometimes several sessions a year. I highly recommend it for anyone with a dysfunctional family. Absolutely it is not us it is them, and agree we need to feel good about what we are doing
Ju I am so glad you had a vision of life without your mum. You are here on earth for more than your mum. This is the season when your mum is your focus, but that will not always be. Seasons change and bring new challenges. A little forethought is a good thing. You can still look after mum and think about what lies ahead and even make some plans for yourself. I think you owe that to yourself. You are a very resourceful lady, I am sure you will figure something out. Prayers going your way, Re family - my sis is not supportive and never has been - quite the opposite. If you could get some support from your bro that is great. Is the bridge totally broken? I do much better with support from friends. Thanks for the kind words. After a while I decided that getting upset wasn't benefitting me - it was hurting me, Not that I don't get upset sometimes, but I try to limit it. Life goes on.

Sharyn - looks like the car port etc. issues are working out. I am so glad. It is another big transition. Hope ur your niece is doing as well as can be expected.

book that was funny -I already know I can't take maltitol

Margeaux - glad your bro is home. Your sis will always want to be too involved and I think you do well to stay separate. Hope you had a good visit with your girlfriend - just what we need sometimes.

iwentanon -yes good gift for some people!!!

glad - you have some very useful knowledge!!!

going to start a new post before I lose this one

.

Joan-I needed to see it but it was disturbing..... I saw a stripped hospital bed, and felt a real and complete emptiness in my heart. As well as having to start packing and wondering where I will live and what to do with all our stuff! It bothered me also because I wish this time I have been engulfed by home issues, stressed me out again and I am not spending quality time with her as I wished too once I had such a breakthrough with her early summer. anyway I plan to spend some time with her today, I have been very busy all week...
Hope you also get some rest and feeling better today! XOXO

Good news Sharyn bout the carport.

Hope everyone is doing ok and having a nice weekend!
Peace,
Juju

I mean wish to finally spend quality time with her as much as possible AND work on me, my life and future, not dealing with DR n Home issues being so overwhelmed and stressed again, that I become counterproductive. Least I am better off, a bit, under it all, than I was before I can say! but feel like I am just hanging on by a thread, barely getting the basics done! IDK just need a vent I guess!

cm - a bit of a situation with your mum and bipolar sil. I am not sure there is much you can do to help them. Just look after you and your mum - surely that is enough. Avoiding the stay might be tricky, but what happens has to be in mum's best interests. It must feel very demeaning to be in the slave role re the money.
sandwich - I got that from mother in the first ALF she went to - the first month to food was great - then the complaints started, but she would still indulge in the goodies, then complain that they shouldn't be provided as they were not healthy - she called it senior abuse ;p
Glad- Brit chickens in reflective safety vests -about my level right now. Gives me a visual of me visiting mother in a de-flective safety vest, which bounces the negative comments back to her and keeps me safe. I may just have to imagine that!!! :) Thanks - and moose antlers on her lol Hope the furnace issue is fixed. Cannot IMAGINE my sis having the financial reins. All that fuss and expense for no reason whatsoever. Good you have the conservator anyway
book - you were wise to cover your butt re expenses.
judd - keep the peace inside and be amused - great advice!!! Love it!
surprise - how are you doing? ((((((hugs))))
Overcoming the junk takes work. But you do make progress. I find I have to take a breaks after a bad session - like when sis was around - to heal I guess. Then back into the fray. One key is to lower your expectations.
Two days without calls - a holiday!!! Got my nails done, did laundry, got groceries. G got home late from work last night and I made him latkes. He was a happy man.
Two calls this morning "When am I moving" I said that I didn't know as I was not moving her. So right away I was relegated into the ranks of those that are making her life dreadful - the abusers - got told how awful it, we, they, all were, I recalled the appointment we were going to and she got all paranoid and wasn't going so we said goodbye and hung up. The next call we talked more rationally for a while, she listened to who the appointment was with and was happy to go, she listed some complaints she and I can try to follow up on. We will even talk to the man in the ALF she wants to move into to get the right story about the food/diet. Anyway it was more reasonable. Then I got the poor me story that this was the worst time of her life and she had thought of throwing herself out the window to end it, but she knows it is not the right thing all spoken in a quavering voice. OK! See you Monday, mother! Bye! And my day goes on.
I tried the newest doc in town and he seems good, gave me a new dose of synthroid and a req for a bunch of tests to be done in 6 weeks’ time to see what is happening.
Talking cruises again. Looking like March now. Please decide so I can arrange my lab tests, my dental work, my haircuts etc.
Heading south tomorrow. G and I will see a couple of IMAX shows early in the week. Will get mother's computer more user friendly, visit with a few people with her, see the pharmacist and get the true low down on risperidone. Maybe I can do some shopping for her - gets me out and about. Then into the hot tub in the hotel in the evenings and eyebrow tat touch up just before returning.

ju - vent away - that is what we are here for. I can see it would be disturbing. Please don't beat yourself up about the quality time. You have had so much to deal with and you are getting through it. What would have happened to your mum if you had not been there? The interruptions are called life.

Yes, you need to work on your own life and spend quality time with your mum. You seem less stressed that you were before, and you have done a HUGE thing with the house repairs. Keep praying about it and the doors will open I know you will miss your mum enormously. Again that is life and sometimes life is hard. I am glad you have a bff not too far away.. Will you be able to sell the place you are in now? At least it will be in better shape than it was Can you go access a social welfare program till you are able to make other plans? Maybe a visit to a social worker for yourself would be a good idea. I am sure you will figure it out. Big (((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) and prayers

Good Idea on the social worker! I did make a DR appt.
Thanks Jo XOXOXO!
Gonna spend the afternoon/eve in my recliner next to her and watch a movie or two!!! Make something yummy for dinner!

And yes I did realize that at least the house will be in better shape to sell,than have a mess on my hands to try to market! but ya I will have to sell and quickly if something does happen before I get my poo together! the market is picking up too, which Is good cause we lost at least 30% when the market crash right after buying.
Love and thanks to all!! XOXOX

CM my husband is bi-polar and has been for the 50 years we have been married. It is not easy but better when the meds are being taken AND effective. he says being medicated makes him functional but he misses being upbeat. I do have one rule which I am finally able to enforce and that is. "Illness is no excuse for bad behavior" I believe Jeannie Gibbs posted a while ago that if her husband had not been bi-polar she would have divorced him years ago.
I know a number of people who function normally in the workforce and others who make no attempt and behave abysmally towards their families. I spent many years tiptoeing around him and catering to his every need and had a huge job keeping the kids able to have any kind of relationship with him. He also has attachment disorder and Adult ADHD. One thing I do know is that he loves me as I do him. I don't know what to tell you about behaving around your SIL. Life is not very pleasant for her either. It was probably a relief for her to be hospitalized.
I love the idea about the chickens wearing reflective vests. Maybe they could issue them to the deer round here. then we wouldn't see the eyes in the headlights right before they jump through the windshield.

PS I think you Mum will be fine for a short visit with SIL. Any change of environment will be disturbing but at least she knows and loves your brother.

veronica - right on "Illness is no excuse for bad behaviour" I agree. I know it is hard for those with mental illnesses, but if they will work with their doctors and therapist strides can be made. It is the denial/dishonesty that causes the problems as it leads to refusal to take responsibility for one's actions, blaming others and refusal to cooperate in any therapy - drug or otherwise. Do you still cater to him, walk on tiptoes? I know the relational difficulties well with my mother and am pretty straight with her now. I pick my battles, but to preserve myself, I also have to be honest. ((((((hugs)))) I am sure it has not been easy.

Thanks, Veronica and Emjo both.

Emjo, I keep reminding myself that "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent." I'm quite good at withholding my consent!

Veronica, M. has functioned well (and worked really hard) most of her adult life - two boys + full-time career in dietetics. I believe the illness came on final year of university (classic timing, I hear) and has been intermittent since. There have been unexplained absences, odd phases; but it's not as if we were close, I never made anything of it. I don't want to be simplistic about it, and I don't want to upset her further or add to her stress; but when things are going badly she is physically - violent isn't the word, it's not aggressive behaviour towards other people - hyperactive, I suppose. She throws things, like furniture. Gets very demonstrative and uncontrolled. And she's extremely noisy at the best of times. I can't picture her walking my mother to the bathroom without breaking out in a cold sweat about it.

Anyway, worrying won't help. My daughter and her son are discussing options, that might. I'm not about to tell my brother that our mother is not to be left alone with his nutzoid wife or anything grotesque like that; but I can't pretend I'm ok with it. Brother is pretty laissez-faire/sceptical about psychiatry, and I suspect that's why things were able to get so out of hand last spring - he wouldn't intervene until he really didn't have a choice. That sounds as if I'm second-guessing him, which I accept wouldn't be fair - of course he knows his wife best, and is best able to judge her mood. But I know him, and the fact is that if there's the slightest hope of getting away with doing nothing, he'll do nothing.

And really, is this a good idea? Isn't having mother on their hands going to add further stress for them? And that's quite apart from the question of how much fun is this supposed to be for her? She does adore my brother, but what she'll get is a little bit of him, when he's not working, and a lot of SIL. I am feeling extremely uptight about it and it is hard (I do honestly do my level best) not to communicate that to her. If I could get my brother to pay attention to mother's care needs, if he'd offer any kind of reassurance that he is taking my concerns on board, it would really help. So far I might as well have been talking to the cat.

It was his sixtieth birthday today. Mother put her hearing aids in specially (well all right, no, I put them in for her), and I dialled the number, and then she spoke to him all by herself - she was as pleased as Punch. Don't know whether he got his card, which btw I had to walk through a bloody thunderstorm to post, he didn't say. Don't know whether the plan to buy him a camera as mother's gift went ahead, either; if it did, he didn't mention it. I was NOT eavesdropping! - but unless the phone mic is turned up high enough for the entire village to hear, then mother can't hear either; that's how I know. Humph. I know there are more important things in life than social graces but they do cheer a girl up, I find.

On a happier note, mother did the crossword today! I could have turned cartwheels. Ok, it was the concise one, and there were a few surprising gaps, and a couple of transposed letters, and two years ago she'd have been extremely rude about anyone who came up with an effort like that - but IT'S BRILLIANT. This is the first she's touched since last March, I'm so thrilled for her. I'm prescribing one a day, and we'll see how she gets on, but the main thing is the boost to her confidence.

the best advice with a bi-polor spouse realize their energy level is through the roof and not to try to work along with them detatching is the best thing to do-they will wind down after a while-take care of yourself first and do not expect concern for you-it is really all about them-like when I was in labor he went off to work with the first baby and MIL had to take me to the doc and the second time he had to stop at his mother's on the way home from work after me telling him to come straight home from work because I was in labor-as I said I was invisible.

Austin, juddabuddhaboo had the mot juste for this - "kvelling" is exactly what I am after your description. How does that tie in with looking after a frail 89 year old?!

cm - bursting with pride???

Juddabuddhaboo - Your story bears repeating, so I will.

"A wise lady I know said to me after hearing my kvetching (complaints) offered two strong words of advice. "BE AMUSED".
keep the peace inside and be amused. Wow."

I am giggling at my vision of Joan in her "SuperChicken" suit!

lol Packing now, ju! The suit is imaginary but still gives some protection. Mother was a little more vulnerable again last night - that's twice! She said when I don't answer the phone she feels cut off and she got a little teary. That's honest and I can deal with that. I explained that I am not feeling well with the low thyroid and she believes me. I just want to sleep and my gut issues have flared a bit. When the thyroid is low, so is the immune system. But, I said I will be down and do what I can. I got a blow by blow in more detail about the sex gland removal - goodness me. I think it must relate back to something earlier in her life. She has asked me to take over dealing with her financial advisor and her investments. He is on her "hate" list right now. Very sad as he has been so good to her for years, but the mail he sends her, which is mainly very routine, distresses her, as she doesn't know what to do about it. Mostly nothing needs to be done which is easy for me. Her loyalties swing about weekly. She wants me to contact this one and that one to come and visit her and do something about the terrible things that are happening... I just try to deflect it with my chicken vest! "They" are trying to make her demented. To find some black humour here - I think she is doing a pretty good job all by herself. Oh dear...

Hey, I have a deflective protective chicken vest. I can deal with anything!

Have a good day everyone, and do something good for you!

I have read a couple books on bipolar and it is the energy/highs are very powerful, they do not want to lose that good feeling so do not want to medicate but yes with proper meds and treatment and care can be managed well. I remember dad and his spells, I could just tell by the tone and cadence of his speech when he was on an up. I knew he was ill but so young I didn't understand what that meant. I agree Mental illness is no excuse for bad behavior but I see now how if one does not know the person has mental issues it is less acceptable in some kind of way. I don't know how my mom stayed with my dad thru it all, with my brothers becoming ill as well! The craziness was too much for me, I moved out very young!! Anyway, I wonder how much the extended family knew, I know we were not close to any of the aunts and uncle's, in both distance and relationship. I had Gpa n Gma and 1 uncle n family on dad's side in the same city, the rest were across the country. Mom had a sister n family 600 miles away we would see maybe every other year. Anyway, locally, we would have dinners together now n then and holidays but that is about it. Only met the family 3.000 miles away 2wice, once I visited other Gma for a summer in grade school and once gma and uncle n family visited us in CA. So based on us not being close I think either they did not know and just saw all this as misbehaving and alcoholism, or knew and were put off my "the mental illness stigma".

Oh can I relate Austin. he sent a friend to take me home from the hospital after my second baby - he had an important meeting. I was able to get my big girl panties pulled up but not till I was almost sixty. I was a RN in the UK but of course could not work here and had been a stay at home Mom so was completely dependent and still believed I was not very bright. Had thought of leaving many times but just did not know how I could manage financially plus we had three kids. Well I finally found out that all I needed to do to be a RN here was obtain my transcript from the UK and take the NCLEX. With much trepidation and fear of failure I took and passed. So now I could work and support myself if necessary. Well I never did leave even though he did several times but I had my self confidence and quickly found a job where my work was greatly appreciated. I knew that if I left this miserable puppy dog would be sitting outside my door very soon, besides I loved this idiot and knew how lost he would be without me. He really is a very good man he can't help his illness.
CM all you can do is what you feel is best for your Mum. I am sure you have looked at all the possibilities. Could B and SIL stay with her for a few days and maybe other family members and caregivers. I don't know what the answer is but make sure she has a new chicken vest before you leave her.

Joan-
We all need deflective caregiver vests that carry warnings "do not mess with me!"

A deflective chicken vest, LOL!! Does it come with a helmet and a whistle??