The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

ju - I think you did the right thing by moving out young and getting away from the crazies.

veronica - glad you did pull you big girl panties up -sounds like you have worked it out well. Love overcomes a lot.

glad - I like the logo - Don't mess with me! I feel chickensh*t belongs in there somewhere, but not sure how.

sharyn - helmet and whistle? The helmet would have to have some feathers on it - like a crest - and the whistle would have to be a rooster crowing at dawn lol

sunglasses are necessary, too - to deflect the evil rays...so you don't get blinded by the bs

I can't keep my eyes open today -maybe I am developing defensive narcolepsy. One can dream. Every time the nonsense starts you automatically fall asleep.

Countrymouse,

This is certainly a terrible situation you've described that your brother kept SIL's
condition a secret. Overall many people don't have the compassion you have about the situation. There's still lots of stigma as I'm sure you are aware of
It sounds as if your brother is not involved, nor interested much in the care of your mom to begin with. If it's taken an episode, in which others had to suggest he do something about it........well what does that say about him? Total denial.
Actually, this is a description of both my brothers.

Prior, to mom really being diagnosed w/ALZ, 7 yrs., ago......there were many things happening to mom, the typical downward spiral that occurs to people w/ALZ. Much later......my sister who moved in w/mom and mom's elder sister,
told me, that my brother's comments to her during his time as the POA, were something like......."You wouldn't want to know what's happening around here."
This of course referring to some of mom's growing incompetence, and my aunt's declining immobility. Mind you, back then when mom & the sister still enjoyed their independence.....my aunt was the dominant one between them. She did all the driving doing errands, going to the senior center (they'd been actively involved for over 13 yrs.). But now....mom was caregiving for her older sister, meanwhile, my brother totally downplayed the fact that mom could be in the throes of ALZ.
To top things off, mom's sister who was still calling the shots, even though she could no longer drive......is the only one who knew that mom already been diagnosed w/ALZ, by the doc they both were seeing. He prescribed her anti-dep.
which put mom in a weird stupor, I'd never seen her in. But I'm sure our aunt didn't want we mom's kids to know, because, of course denial. I firmly believe in this case, it had more to do w/now mom wasn't going to be her driver, nor her CG.
So in essence mom had about a year and a half time lapse, being like this, still driving. When we found out, especially my sister and me, were so angry at our aunt for doing this. But in our family since my parents allowed this horrible narcissist to have to much power, that's what we were dealing with. It was business as usual.

Anyway, my point is that whether it be on account of some other dysfunction going on, the denial, the fear, all of that each and every one of us still however has to be a little responsible for this. How long are you going to be away from your mom?
Remember too, that the more available YOU feel you need to be for other's doesn't allow for someone such as your brother to step up. My sister does this constantly, with respect to the fact that my brother didn't raise his children to be more sensitive to the needs of others. Then she goes into overdrive thinking she's some kind of super woman to which I start calling her a self imposed martyr.
It's really about perspective. So I suggest you start telling yourself, "things are going to be o.k., til I get back, and I'm going to have a great time!"

You're in my thoughts,
and believe me I do understand your feelings about the secrecy.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Margeaux, I so agree about how stupid the secrecy is - it's so pointless and damaging, and so unfair to the people kept in the dark. It never does anything to change the reality of what needs to be faced and dealt with, is what gets me - so what's the point?

I can see, especially with mental illness in younger people, that stigma remains a problem. But if it's ever going to change, we need to start somewhere! - and surely openness within families shouldn't be so hard?

I agree with you about the "smell of burning martyr" - very unpleasant! And I could do with a break. And mother could do with a break - from me! It's a work in progress, we'll get there.

Alice - see profile picture - does not want to hear another word about reflective vests. Quite unnecessary, in her opinion, and she suspects that the mickey is being taken.

CM,
Did you just change your avatar? Is that one of your chickens?

Joan-
How about "If you weren't such a chickensh*t you would be doing this job that certainly is not for the meek"

margeaux - denial and fear for sure

cm - you can tell Alice, who by the way is gorgeous and you can pass that along to her too, that nothing personal is meant, but we just don't have the feathers she has for protection. No mickey's being taken. Is she the top hen in the pecking order? If so, I want to know her secret.

I am with you both on family secrecy, not that I have had great results, but I feel better for stopping playing the game. I feel "cleaner".

hmm, glad - I could certainly mutter it under my breath... chickensh*t chickensh*t chickensh*t. You know, I think it would help. lol

OK, back to the packing, sigh. Getting tired of this... Spending the time and money to accomplish something miniscule, if I am lucky. But she needs to know that I was willing to spend some time with her and do what I can. Hopefully we can do a couple of nice lunches. Major snow again here. More shovelling for the grandson.

Have a good afternoon and do something good for you - you are worth it!

How's your shoulder, Emjo? Are you sure you're not getting tired out from being in pain? Hope it's feeling better - and if the sleep's doing you good, enjoy...

Alice's secret is nothing more than an iron will. She is smaller than the others, older, a rescue chicken (from the days when, I'm sorry to say, beak clipping was still carried out in battery farms), and afraid of nothing (including our Staffordshire bull terrier, whom she flew at and pecked on the bottom, much to his astonishment). She arrived here two and a half years ago with a fresh scar on her comb (hence "Alice Capone"), beat up the previous boss hen, terrorised her second-in-command, brazened out two days in solitary confinement (I was thinking of taking her back) and has since failed to read the book about how hens always concede power when a cockerel is introduced to the flock - poor old Hamish didn't know what had hit him. She is a complete thug. I love her.

thanks for asking cm - shoulder better since my thyroid meds were increased. The sleepiness is also almost certainly related to being on too low a dose of thyroid meds or possibly being on the wrong meds. Various things happen when the dose is too low, including arthritis/joint pain. It is almost my best indicator. I found a new dr and asked him to do a series of tests to see if we can pinpoint what the problem is. I rather suspect the stress when my sis was over combined with the stress of the brutal cold we had in December are factors. You can develop a thyroid resistance - due to stress among other things - like insulin resistance in diabetes type 2. It is not that uncommon, and needs a different meds. My daughter is on that meds and feels better on it than when on the one I use. So there are answers, but it will take a few months to figure it all out. I am thankful it is nothing worse.

You do have beautiful chickens... is Alice a New Hampshire Red? She looks too light for a classical Rhode Island Red.

hahahaha Alice is a character! Love it! What spirit! My will is pretty iron on some things. Maybe we all should peck a few people on the bottom, metaphorically speaking, all the while muttering chckensh*t. It does say something about dominance doesn't it. Nerve goes a long way. Poor Hamish!!!

CM, no offense but I don't like chickens. There are 8 of us kids + 4 cousins that my mom (homemaker) watched while we were in elementary age. My 2 older brothers have always competed with one another. BUT, they also competed on how to make our lives miserable. For the older sisters, my bros would tie a dead or live lizard, then when they were passing by, they dropped the string to leave it dangling near their face (or just hang it from the light fixtures.) For us younger kids, they taught their puppies to chase us kids. (Hence, I'm scared of dogs.) And they went and got some fighting roosters and trained it to attack each other - and to us kids. Between the aggressive hen or the fighting roosters (attacked us when our backs were turned), I don't trust chickens at all. Do you know how difficult it is to take clothes out of the outdoor washer and hear these tiny feet running towards you. Grab the broom, turn swiftly and the rooster swerves away. Then it walks like nothing is happening. Turn my back to pick up more clothes, hear those darn running feet, turn with the raised broom. Chicken swerves away and pretends to do nothing. Sigh... We FORGOT to warn our young cousin whom came for a visit with her mom. We heard this hysterical terrified screaming out back. We ran out. The rooster got her in the face. She was bleeding. sigh... As an adult, I even got chased by a duck! What, do I have an invisible sign on me that tells animals that I'm terrified of them? =)

Book- I had to laugh a little at your post. It reminded me of a very early childhood memory. I was probablyaround 3 yrs. The first house my parents had was on a 1/4 acre lot just outsidecity limits. We had 3 geese. Every time my mother would take me in the front yard to play on the lawn, the geese would attack me knocking me to the ground and pecking the sides of my stomache. My dad did not believe my mom. One day my dad was out doing yard work when they attacked him from behind. My dad chased them away ....they came after him again, this time he threw one as best he could across the yard. Well, it got up flapping it's wings charging him again, lol!! The next day my dad gave the geese to a neighbor around the corner. The next time my dad saw the neighbor, headier how the geese were doing. The neighbor said..very mean geese...we stem them for dinner!!

Stupud kindle.,the neighor ate the geese.

{{{laughing}}} Well, it was funny on your first post. Took me a while to figure out "stem" was "stew." Couldn't figure out the other word. Then I go to the next page, and that "stupud" kindle knew you were talking about it. So, it misspelled "stupid"!!
I laughed even harder than your first post.

Sharyn, only Your Kindle comes out funny Consistently. I always get a kick when it decides to change a lot of your words. And I just Knew that you were going to come back and blame the kindle! =)

Don't worry Book! - Alice is a temporary feature until I find a field mouse I like. Hope you're ok with nice mice..?

A book about chickens I was given was dedicated to "the little red bastard" - I'd never allow small children near them unsupervised. I would also never allow chickens near larger children unsupervised. Hen fights are usually extremely brief (especially when Alice is involved - vengeance is swift and terrible), thankfully; what's more miserable is when they all turn on one of their number and give her hell. Reminds me of school. Not the happiest days of my life, whatever the saying is. And just like at school I spend much of my time consoling and protecting the victim - Bébé at the moment - while wondering why she has to be such a complete idiot and can't seem to help getting on the others' nerves.

Poor little Hamish wouldn't bother anyone though. If ever a rooster had had his balls thoroughly broken… He's around pretty much for decorative purposes. But he is also a complete gentleman and always tells the ladies when he's found something tasty for them. I sometimes think he must wonder why he bothers. Life is not turning out how his mother promised him it would be, that's for certain.

Emjo I asked what variety our ex-bats were and the rehomer looked at me as if I was being racist. I gather from other sources that they're usually an Orpington Rhode Island Red cross, for optimum laying. They are bred to lay like billy-o for one or two seasons and then be slaughtered. So even though old-style battery cages are now outlawed, the Trust still stages regular rescues and rehomes as many as possible. They've built up good networks with farmers, who are not evil but are just trying to make a living in a mad commercial world and are happy to see as many of their uneconomic birds as possible put out to grass. We've rehomed eight altogether over four years. All but Alice, and her predecessor DeeDee who following the coup d'état retired to her nest box and turned her beak to the wall, have succumbed to egg-binding: because they're bred to lay large eggs in insane quantities, inevitably by their third or fourth season their bodies can't produce enough shell material to prevent the egg getting stuck and they die horribly of peritonitis. I heard that calcium shots were the answer, but our lovely vet explained that this was a short-term fix, not a cure, and was only delaying the inevitable. I put Alice on mother's daily calcium supplements eighteen months ago and so far, touch wood, she's ok. I'm hoping she's post-menopausal and no longer in danger. She's been off lay for ages, though I'm not sure that it's not connected to Hamish's arrival - maybe if she's directing all her energies to leading the flock she's not producing the right hormones or something. I don't really know how old she is - at least four, but at a stretch she could be coming up for seven. The only people who aren't safe with her are ladies who have painted their toenails a lovely ripe red - how's she to know they're not delicious?

Book, with my older daughter it's geese. There was a pond near her school that she had to walk past - her and a couple of hundred other girls, mind you - and she became convinced that they were singling her out. Actually it's not impossible that they were - she would have stood out in her little group, being confident and quite noisy, so there might have been some kind of tribal element to it I suppose. Whatever the reason, she learned to scuttle past them keeping her head down and now only likes geese on the menu. Are you sure the duck wasn't just following you, though? They are very inquisitive little creatures, and not aggressive unless you go too near a nest by accident.

I think probably the only way to cure yourself - if you feel the need - of fearing dogs is to get one. I'm looking at a photo of myself aged about one (I'm wearing a diaper, and nothing else, thanks Ma) attempting to retrieve my doll from an Alsatian. My mother told me, when I showed her the picture, that the Alsatian was later destroyed after it attacked a postman. She just mentioned this casually. "What, that dog there, chewing on my doll's leg?" "Yes, Ray [his owner] was awfully upset." I suppose she thought that as long as she was in the room taking photos I was safe enough. I don't think anything happened then to frighten me, but something later must have done because I was very much a cat person (still am, if I had to choose) until we got my son a puppy, nearly 20 years ago. I now appreciate dogs' virtues much better. Still working on my fear of horses. I know in THEORY you just show them who's boss, but they're so bloody big! - makes me think that, actually, they are. Our first dog, Cindy, shared my suspicion of them. We once got stuck at a t-junction in the car, and while we were waiting to turn the entire Household Cavalry went past - they were on their way back to barracks from exercise on Hampstead Heath. Cindy went hysterical - "F*** me! There are THOUSANDS of them!" - she'd lost her bark by the time they'd all gone past and I was stone deaf for half an hour after.

Book, there's nothing wrong with being afraid of animals; the only pity of it is that YOU miss out on such a lot! I'm not as bad as my mother, infinitely preferring animals to people, but it is a relief to have company in the house that doesn't argue or criticise or ever behave irrationally...

CM, Alice is fine. She's one very healthy looking hen. I know what you mean about how the other chickens decide to pick on one specific hen. But it's the roosters attacking this one hen while ignoring the others. The poor hen tries hiding under the brush, and the 5 roosters are still pecking at it. After a few weeks, that hen looks just as scrawny-looking as LadeeM's avatar! That poor hen had most of her feathers gone. And it was not a full-grown hen. To me - it looked like a teenager. Very small hen compared to the others.

Did you know, before my oldest sis moved in, when her daughter's car starts to pull in, all the chickens run to meet the car. I couldn't believe how they all ran Towards it. When she got out, the chickens surrounded her. I have never seen wild chicken do that before. It unnerved my oldest bro-of-next door. So, one day, he caught most of it and got rid of them. He said that those chickens do not behave as chickens should. (He thinks they're possessed by spirits.) ... Well, he said that about the wild cats, too.

Isn't that odd! I wonder what they thought your niece's car was? We get overflown by a few civil aeroplanes, which the chickens ignore, and the occasional military jet - which they definitely don't! It could be the noise, or how low they fly, but I'm becoming convinced that they're just really impressed!

Poor little girl chicken. I'm afraid she was in for a miserable life if even the roosters weren't interested in protecting her. Mystifies me, how they decide which one to bully.

I should think your neighbour would be horrified by what our chickens get away with. My over-the-road neighbour shakes his head sadly but he's too much of a natural gentleman to say rude things about daft suburbanites. What are your wild cats getting up to? - and how do you tell a possessed wild cat from a perfectly normal one???

I have no idea about cats vs possessed ones. As for bro, he says that the cats just lay there and stares at him. They watch his every move. They seem to know my mood. When I'm really pissed off (from father), they take one look at me, and flee.

Oh, the reason the chicken ran towards my niece's car is because they know that my oldest sister is in it. They Always run to greet my sis when her daughter drops her to babysit the parents. That's how smart those chickens are. They KNOW which car to run towards to. When sis comes out of the car, the chickens fight to be the one close to her. And they all walk with her from the hill down to our house.

Our wild cats - for now- are leaving dead lizards in our front porch. At least it's not dead rats with missing body parts - like the previous wild cats before them. These new cats are tamer. So far, I haven't found any dead rats - only lizards. I remembered one time, walking out of the back door, and right there on the wood, was a rat with no head. Or where I parked my car, there was another dead rat. I always dreaded forgetting to look at the ground to see any dead rats - and then accidentally step on one. The wild cats at my brother's land are wilder than ours (we, uhm....feed them our table scrap). He said that they've been finding dead rats all over their land. He's glad because he rather they get killed than to find their way into the house. Well, it's 11pm. Time to sign off.

Emjo a rooster crowing would just have the hens running circles especially if he is a toy boy
I think glad's message should be "If you mess with me your'll get a load of chicken s***

I hadn't read the previous pages of posts - very interesting.
CM I do love the picture of Alice. That's the name of my husband's therapist who I dislike intensely. She's probably not too fond of me either.
A cute mouse sitting up cleaning it's whiskers would be good. Rats no way no how. my daughter is a veterinarian and says they make very friendly pets. I just hope she does not try to rehome one with me because it has an unpaid bill. I also love cats and currently have two, one from the SPCA and a stray. I adore horses and ran a boarding stable for a number of years. I was afraid of some of the boarders though, had never been taught manners. Same daughter has two a beautiful black Morgan stallion and a Danish warm blood gelding. the stallion can be a handful and is incredibly vain but talented. the warm blood is also talented but very laid back and nothing bothers him which is such a gift. I once tried to get a little mare to walk over one of those iron bridges that you can see through. She would have none of it. In the end I turned her round and backed her over. On the way home of course she knew it was the only way home and I think she probably closed her eyes and stepped on. Animals are a lot of fun. My cats keep me warm at night.

Oh this is hilarious. Have I got a horse story or two for later. cm I can relate to the Hampstead heath experience. Gary has about 200 of them and breeding more. He needs to reduce his herd - too much with a full time job and a woman (me) he needs to spend some time with. He has a lovely Morgan mare, and a Tennessee side stepper (I named her Ebony - he wanted to call her Wyatt!!!) I have bonded with and want to ride, but he is too busy hauling hay etc - the horses are many hours drive away. He saved these two from the slaughter house for a couple of hundred $$$ . He was a rodeo cowboy and a guide (horseback trips in the mountains) and has ridden a lot and said that Ebony is the smoothest ride he has ever had. Veronica - good to have a laid back warm blood stallion - unusual.
Geese and swans can be dangerous. Chicken social behaviour is interesting,

But before I forget - I DON'T BELIEVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

this morning my sis sent me another friend invite on face book. I ignored the last one she sent me which was after she reamed me out about my children living near me and that I didn't care about mother. Now she is doing it again. After that last accusatory email!!!! I hit the ignore button. Friends don't treat me the way she does. She is one unhealthy cookie!!! Time to start chanting chickensh*t,

Oh well, better get breakfast and put on my deflective protective vest and head over to see mother. Wish me luck - more later

Book,

That is terrible what your older brothers did to you and your siblings dangling these animals in front of your face. Really it's cruel towards, not only you but also the animal. No wonder you're scared. Actually, I'm talking about cat's and dogs, but they do sense peoples vibes, like fear or that they don't take to animals very well, so it doesn't surprise me that they feel your terror. It is a shame that you have this feeling around them, because they can be a real source of joy, too.

Well, try relaxing the next time you are in front of a dog, or cat.
Of course, I do understand also there are some people that aren't into animals either.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

An older cousin once chased me with a dead rat but I must have forgiven him because he gave me away at my wedding.
I have noticed though that some cats are drawn to people who are allergic or just don't like them. Ah yes we were talking about dysfunctional families how did we get on to dysfunctional animals.

Friend?! FRIEND??? Only one answer to send: "With friends like you - ?"

Bloody funny idea of friendly she's got, if you ask me.

Dysfunctional animals comes with the territory, LOL!! My cousins told me swans were mean also. As we were walking around the dams in Upperlands, NI, there were swans and I wanted to get close for pictures but...they warned me to stay away!! I had a cat who had a personality disorder. He slapped my mother on the back of her head once because she was sitting on the couch where he would lay. I think he knew they were kindred souls of personality disorders, LOL!!

Book, at least lizards and not rats, but also at least DEAD ones and not half-dead or (yikes) alive and panicking! Headless rats not so much fun. Ratless head would be worse? Oo dear I'm beginning to see why you're still right off animals…

The cat v. man contest is endlessly fascinating, isn't it? After many years' acquaintance, my other half finally got the knack of how to get my (late, lamented) cat shut away in the utility room so that she couldn't wake him up at five in the morning. I heard this little yell of triumph, then pointed out to him that outwitting an eighteen year old, totally domesticated cat with dementia (including full-blown sundowning) was not necessarily that much of an achievement.

Your sister must be very proud of her attraction for chickens. There's something extremely flattering about being followed around the garden like the Pied Piper. I also really love it when I go out of the back door with treats and they come zooming round the corner like a little formation of bi-planes, hedge-hopping over the plants. Margeaux I PROMISE this is not cruel: a friend told me to give them left-over cooked spaghetti - hilarious, he said. I pshawed and told him off for laughing at innocent creatures, but he assured me they'd love it and he was right. Harmless fun, they seem to enjoy the game as much as I do.

I remember reading about Morgans in the Laura Ingalls Wilder books, Farmer Boy and Little Town on the Prairie, and thinking they sounded like dream horses. Goodness I'd love to be able to ride. My mother made me do ballet instead - another entry in The Book of Grudge (does that qualify this post under dysfunctional families?!) - and I feel I'm too old and frail to learn now. Or more specifically to survive falling off as much as I'd expect to. There are horses over the road, but their owner is a bit fierce and her daughter is a teenaged show-jumper… I think they'd laugh at me rather a lot.

I love the idea of a vain stallion, Veronica - aren't they, though! And the blasé attitude of ceremonial horses makes me laugh, too: all those humans taking it deadly seriously, and there's always one horse chatting to its buddies, cracking its neck vertebrae, practically crossing its legs, you half expect it to yawn and start examining its hooves. My son chose a mounted regiment to serve with and I was seriously worried about how on earth he'd manage - the last time I'd seen him on a horse he was being cantered helplessly towards a fence while his instructor yelled "hold on! And don't forget to breathe..!" I couldn't look. He claims he is now a perfectly competent horseman but I have yet to see the evidence.

No more about animals from me, I promise. But goodness they can teach you a lot about how to cope with people too..!

CM, I can identify with the book of grudge and ballet! Uffda! Though golden child took and taught all through high school. Ugh!

How did we get to dysfunctional animals from reflective chicken vests?! LOL!

Joan-
both siblings have unfriended me, that is just the way I like it! Don't have to deal with their daily "look at me and what I am doing". Now, thinking about it how is that different than a two-year-old's "mommy, look at me!"

Joan~My niece is going to get or is getting radiation treatments. That is all I know at this point. My sil is getting therapy to help her deal with all this for a second time. She is keeping herself busy by playing a lot of casino games on facebook, I am sure it helps to keep her mind off cancer for a while. Thank you for asking.

I hope your trip is beneficial and drama free. Take care of your shoulder, the tendonitis in my right shoulder and arm has flared up after moving furniture from mom's house on Friday. Ice seems to be what works for me.

Take care everyone and watch out for the dysfunctional animals!

CM, that's it! She sooo reminded me of the Pied Piper. Such adoration from the chickens and cats.

Joan - Yeah, the nerve of sis...after she sent that terrible accusatory emails - she nows sends a "friend" notice. She must think you're foolish to actually accept it.

Sharyn, glad that niece and SIL are getting treatments.

Veronica - that is soooo gross to be chased by a dead rat. I had some male classmates in elementary - 6th grade. They found a live frog and were chasing my female classmates with it. They were screaming their heads off. When the boys approached me, I didn't react...even when they shoved it right in front of my face. I just stared at the frog. What those boys were doing with the live frog was Nothing Compared to what my brothers did to us girls.

Have to go. Running late for work and a headache is trying to come out.
You all have a nice day!

Emjo you crack me up! Sounds like when you're not dealing with dysfunction you have a pretty great life on the ranch, good deal! Hope the home visit went well with mom! Chow!