The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

oops Veronica - warm blood gelding - they are pretty laid back
yeah, funny idea of friend. I do not understand why she sends me these after being so horrid and why she thinks I would accept -
Glad - better not to be connected on fb I think. It would give me the creeps. I am connected with her daughter so she can view my stuff anyway
personality disorder cat - love it. My daughter had one too - a tortoiseshell. They are called naughty torties. She would ask to go out, you would open the door and she would hiss at you on the way out - just like mother
I have to fess up - I dangled a dead garter snake over some ladies in deck chairs once...
Sharyn -your sil is doing what she can for herself. I hope the radiation keeps your niece more comfortable
zoo - at this point I am far away from the horses but get to visit them once in a while. G has way too much energy and must keep busy, especially outside. He grew up on a farm and it is true that "You can take the boy out of the farm but you can't take the farm out of the boy"
cm - I have only ridden a few times but I still want to ride Ebony, never too late!!!
horse tales - Once we were down at a pasture in the dark and some horses had gotten out -some went one way some the other. This was early in our relationship. He handed me a flashlight and told me to get out of the truck and round up the small herd and he went after the larger group. I was afraid of horses - like someone said they are bigger than you. I did not have a clue what to do, so I got sort of near them and waited for instructions. He came back and got upset with me as they had moved further away... finally got them back into the pasture. We got into the truck and I said that I did not have a clue what to do and I was afraid of them anyway and he had left me in the dark with no instructions. He looked at me incredulously ad said "Do you mean to tell me that you have never handled livestock?" I said "Where? In my back yard?" I don't think he had ever met anyone who hadn't handled livestock. So then he understood and I said I was willing to help but he had to explain to me in words of one syllable what to do.

shades of Hampstead Heath - Another time a bunch escaped and he told me exactly where to stand in the country road near the open gate and he would chase them towards me, and I should wave my arms to make sure they saw me (it was dusk) and then they would turn in the gate. Gulp! Talk about trust issues. Imagine being on a country road with a dozen large quarter horses galloping towards you, and you waving your arms so they won't run over you. They actually did what they were supposed to, went in the gate and I didn't cr*p myself in the process - that is another story.

and then there was the time we chased horses through fields filled with grasshoppers. When we got home I felt a scratching on my side, checked my jeans and underwear and out hopped a grasshopper. Ewwwwwww. Other than that it was fun.

Gotta go to the hottub - mother sent me packing - more on that later

I don't know which is more Ewwww, the grasshoppers or the moose slaughter.

Definitely the grasshopper down my underwear. It was still alive and had been there over 2 hours!!!!!!! Ewwwwww!

I can deal with sheep but horses no way-I would have gotten back in the truck so fast-we had attack geese at home my older brother's friends were afraid to get out of their cars at our house.

Gary says generally horses are like dogs - they want to please you Cows are like cats - you don't know where they are coming from and they can turn on you.

Saw mother this morning - she was going on about someone who was supposed to come and see her - She thought it was the psychiatrist -and she was going to tell her off and that she never wanted to see her again. So much for the meeting on Thursday. She told me she had been to church on Sunday and told them that her sex glands had been removed. She said the church is on her side. She also said her ALF is a terrible place etc. and they treat her so badly, but when you ask what they have done she can't think of anything. She said she had thought about throwing herself out the window but it wasn't the right thing to do. I took the computer to be set up with Windows 7 for her, and then went to the pharmacy to get the info sheet about the side effects of the antipsychotic. Had a chat with the pharmacist - who knew mother. Went back to the ALF, talked with L, the Director of Health and Wellness then went to see mother. She and I had talked about me getting the information about that drug from the pharmacist. I showed her the sheet and she blew up and said it was wrong etc etc and if I was going to come there just to upset her she didn't want me there, so I left.
G and I met at the IMAX and enjoyed the show, the hot tub and supper. I do find I get stressed when mother acts like that, but it passes.
Tomorrow, I think I will take a day break. Will have coffee in the morning with the journalist .maybe go to the art gallery in the afternoon - then to the second IMAX show with G later. Wednesday I will visit the place mother wants to move to and discuss what they have to offer. I will try seeing her in the morning and see if she wants to come with me. At some point mother may need the next level of care. L said she probably was best situated in a place that deals with mental health. I agree. Thursday I pick up the computer and deliver it to mother, and try to help her with it. Thursday afternoon, apptmt with the psychiatrist. Friday morning tat touch up then head to the airport in the afternoon. - maybe with a visit to mother on the way - depends how the wind is blowing.

Book~I am glad you had a good laugh at my kindle. I knew you would, LOL!! It definitely has a mind of it's own. We probably won't hear anything more my niece until she is done with radiation and gets a c-scan or MRI to determine if it has shrunk so they can surgically remove it. Right now (advanced rectal cancer that is attached to the uterine wall) is inoperable. It is such a sad thing, she is only 33 years old.
Veronica~being chased by a dead rat...oh wow...sounds like something my husband would have done to his sister. My sister and I were the terrorizers in our family. When dad and mom went out (New Year's Eve party), our second oldest brother took responsibility very seriously. Our eldest brother would watch tv and ignore us. My other brother...he wanted us in bed on time with no issues. Yes, we went to bed ok....after a 1/2 hour, we would sneak out into the kitchen opening all the cupboard doors and drawers, then go in the living room and blast the stereo..run back to bed and pretend we were asleep, LOL!! We thought we were so clever!!
Joan~grasshoppers in your pants..........ewwwww!!

Sharyn, I like this cat avatar!

Emjo I'm told it's good to get out of your comfort zone once in a while..? I didn't realise that meant "stand in front of stampeding horses and cross your fingers" though!

So the patient information sheet is wrong, hm? You know what they say: "mother knows best." I've been worried about her sounding vulnerable a couple of times recently, though - not like her at all, is that right? It's sad. No less infuriating for you, I realise, but still sad. Sounds like a new phase might be on its way soon, I hope for the better in the end.

The hot tub must have felt wonderful. Hope the rest of this week goes well and you see some progress x

Joan if she is going into the next phase hope she turns warm and fuzzy-I am sure Mom is causing havoc in HEAVEN as we speak.

Really didn't see anything different yesterday - just her slipping downwards - more anxiety and distress and less control.

I have been second guessing myself about leaving so quickly, but we were in an public area - she was doing a jig saw puzzle in a large common room - and I didn't want a scene there. Considering how upset she got in 5 minutes in the morning, I chose discretion over valour.

cm - the vulnerability is a good thing in some ways, I think, as then one can respond to the real emotions rather everything turning into anger, but it is a sign of something changing - a loss of emotional control which has been evident to me for a while - part of the inevitable downhill slide
G puts me out of my comfort zone all the time - legs were crossed too. Once, following him into a pasture, I found myself surrounded by a couple of dozen curious mares. There am I, 75 yrs old, afraid of horses, in the midst of a mass of them milling around me. A few came up and tasted my hair. G said they were just being friendly. I knew one swift kick and I could be in the next world in a second. But it was OK. I watched G as he moved slowly through the herd and followed suit and am alive today to tell the tale. Now I can walk through a herd of horses, no sweat.
Another time some escaped and we found them in a field with 4 large percherons and a miniature donkey. The miniature donkey was so cute. He thought he was one of the big guys like the percherons and trotted after then braying off and on.
G rounded up all of them except one ornery roan mare and her buddy and set off down the dirt road after giving me the keys to the truck and telling me to round up those two. They kept moving towards the wrong end of the pasture and I would head them off with the truck, then that red critter would veer back again. She knew perfectly well where she was supposed to go, but didn't want to. Finally I got out of the truck and stood I front of her and gave her a lecture, wagging my finger at her, climbed back in the truck, a couple of more tries and off she went in the right direction, after the other horses.

aw june - I hope so too. Right now it is worse and worse
re your mum - can't think that havoc is allowed in heaven ;)

Sharyn - it is so sad about your niece - so young.

Better get going. Coffee time with the journalist will come soon enough. Nice diversion.

The late Jake Thackray wrote a lovely song dedicated to his grandfather, warning the "angels, saints and seraphim" what to expect when Granddad turned up in heaven - "your pearly gates he'll climb, when it's op'ning time." It's rather coarse in patches but very loving. Hope Jake himself is having a nice time, wherever he's gone.

Sister requires a spreadsheet detailing mother's expenditure. Annoying? "I lift up my finger and I say 'tweet-tweet'…" Better get on with it - she's off to Burma for three weeks so if I want mother to have any spending money before the end of Feb there's not really any option. This Too Must Pass. She's "only trying to help, you know…"

If you come around to mourn for Grandad don't dress up in black, cos
Although me Grandad's dead and buried, odds-on he'll be back, yes."

Love it

details of expenditures - necessary evil I suppose??? while she is off the Burma and you haven't had a break in a while

oh, those "Only trying to help" gag me! I was told my lipstick was too bright yesterday. I guess the rest must have been OK as she didn't say anything , Oh well...

Never stood in front of a stampeding horse. I usually would go out with a can of grain, shake that and hope for the best. If that failed two of us would go out with a long rope and advance towards the animals and try to coral them.

Emjo,

Your "stampeding horses," story was hilarious. It really made me laugh this
morning. I loved your enthusiasm about learning a new skill.

My husband loves horses. We've tried finding places that rent them to ride,
but he gets turned off by the idea that the horses are usually all worn out,
and they send you out w/a group of people and a guide. I think that he thinks that he's Marlboro man, or something like that! HAAH!

I'm really sorry about how your mom seems to be escalating.
Wow, she thinks she's telling people at church about her sex gland removal.
I do really hope that you can make arrangements for her level of care, soon.

Last night I went to dinner with my husband. We were celebrating our wedding anniversary, and went to a Greek restaurant. They had elk on the menu, and I thought of you. His tummy was feeling a bit out of sorts, so we ordered a combination plate, which had several things to try. I was tempted to order the elk,
maybe next time. I'm really curious what this tastes like.

I'm sure you're having a great time, in the midst of the other things going on around you, and good luck with that.

You're in my thoughts!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Countrymouse,

Feeding your chickens left over spaghetti, isn't cruel.
Actually I even like that. I used to feed my dog left overs, one being salad.
He like that, and it was great for his coat. Although he did leave the carrots behind.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Elk sounds interesting. I would try that. I like venison and have had buffalo.

I think we are having a lot of fun with animal stories rather than our dysfunctional family stories! I love it. So here is How I Failed At Being Lil Bo Peep.

I once moved in with a friend who bought a house in the country in Maine. For some reason she had a herd of sheep on her property and soon after i moved in she asked me to make sure they wouldn't run away while she went on a vacation.
I grew up in a city and had no idea about such things. She said nothing was going to happen. Her neighbor, Warren was going to be primarily responsible. (he lived a few miles away.) Ok, so one day I was getting ready for work and I noticed someone was watching me in the empty house. It was a sheep who had gotten out of the pen and was eating my housemate's favorite flowers! As I ran down the stairs I passed a few windows. There were various sheep in every window peering into the house with mouthfuls of tender garden flowers. So I ran out to the barn and found a bucket of something. I hoped it was sheep food pellets and no sheep crap.
I waved the bucket from inside their pen and sure enough they came running toward me! UH-oh. I ran for the gate and closed it behind the last sheep. Good job, I thought. Now I can get to work.
But as I got my coat and prepared to leave, they all were outside the pen into the flowers again. Finally I searched for the neighbor Warren's number and he came over. He stood in one spot and let out a whistle and like obedient doggies they did whatever he asked. I never did figure that one out.

JBH-
Country in Maine sounds absolutely wonderful! Funny sheep story, crazy animals just like crazy family members! Sometimes it feels like the dysfunctional family members are the sheep in the house, with the flowers in their mouth just watching and thinking "look what I am getting away with!"

I almost got attacked by a rooster once in New Hampshire. I was wondering around Eagle Mountain House, a fancy old hotel. I think they filmed The Shining there.
While outside a beautiful red rooster was strutting around in the parking lot. I went up to it with sketchbook in hand and was drawing it. I was laughing at it and getting down the movement. It walked ahead like it didn't mind me but after a while it decided no more patience. Get the girl. He flew up in the air and started to kick me with his sharp nailed feet. A few attentive bicycle riders saw my predicament. One quickly unhitched the front wheel to his bike and used it like a shield and scared the bird away. I was on the ground cowering into my sketchpad. The drawing came out great though. I gave it to friend. I wonder if she still has it.

Lilboopeep. One thing no one told you was before you get the loose animals back into the pen find out where they got out because they will head right to that spot again just like your sheep did. What Warren did was use the whistles he would with a sheep dog and the sheep were too dumbs to know there was not a dog in sight. Neat story! I can't put this in the "You know you are a caregiver when........" but you know you are not a country girl when you are afraid of animals.

Emjo, tell her you're not wearing any, it must be your super-healthy sex glands playing up...

Grrrrrrrrrr. That thread, do we ever feel that many of our friends don't understand what being a caregiver is all about - THAT I don't mind so much. It's the clueless siblings that get to me. Standing on the sidelines and sniping. And that's when they're busting a gut trying to be NICE.

Right, so this is sister being nice, ok? Apparently I've overtipped the manicurist and the hairdresser, it should be 10% maximum. [Does she know many manicurists who take a full hour over their little old lady customers? Or hairdressers who check a dozen times that she's comfortable just while she's having her hair washed? Those ladies earned their 'excessive' tips - and charge next to nothing anyway, which is why the 10% norm would be pitiful. But sister wouldn't know, would she, because she's NOT THERE.] A separate credit card is out of the question 'because of the lack of control.' [Meaning? I'll tell you what, let's not go there…] But expenditure under about $30 needn't be itemised. [Oh really? What about hairdressers' tips, then?] Cups of coffee and magazines are normal household spending and should come out of the joint account [Should they? Mine don't!]. I haven't told her what next week's vet's bill will be [I shall consult my crystal ball. Euthanasia or treatment? Hey, cat, how are you feeling today…?] I can find out the price of an over chair table online [Indeed I can. They range from $20 secondhand to several hundred. Does that help your estimate?] Car fuel should be paid for using her state Attendance Allowance, that's what it's for. [Er, no. The Government gives her money to help her buy care services so that she can stay living at home. It'd get her about 10 hours a week. You sure you want to start adding up how much her care should be costing…?] Etc etc etc etc...

Eight emails back and forth, both of us visibly 'keeping our tempers.' If my mother's lawyer had TRIED to come up with a formula to cause the maximum potential for conflict and stress she couldn't have made a better job of it. Give me strength.

And not to worry, while sister's away older brother's in charge of the cheque book. [Well if he decides he's speaking to me I'm sure he'll be a great help. Or is he delegating that task to Bipolar SIL as well?]

But hey at least I can spell. Think I'll confine all complex discussions to email, it really gives me an edge. And tomorrow I'm opening a separate bank account because this is BOLLOCKS.

Veronica - Gary assured me they would not run over me. He showed me exactly where to stand so they would turn into the gate and I know he knows horses, so I trusted him. Gary uses oats/grain to attract them too. There are a few horses that are easier to catch and then he ropes one of them and the others usually follow. I once saw him lasso a horse – Ebony. He was standing there nonchalantly with the coiled rope in his hand one minute, and with the flick of his wrist (I hardly saw it) the lasso was around her neck – real cowboy style. I was impressed. I have eaten elk, buffalo, moose, caribou, and venison (we call it deer meat) and pronghorn (antelope). The one I like best by far is caribou, followed by moose. Elk is fine too and buffalo. The deer up here are too sprucey tasting for me - depends what they feed on - and the prong horn has a very strong gamey flavour from eating sage brush. It is very hard to conceal.
Margeaux -she is not eligible for other care, unless it is mental health care. I think that is where she’s headed eventually because she will not take the meds. It is unfortunate. Do try the elk!
Judd – lots of fun with animal stories. One needs to have fun to get through the stress of care giving stuff. Love your sheep story. The horses will damage the paint on a truck licking the salt off from the roads here. Re the rooster - have you ever seen the Hitchcock movie about The Birds with Tippi Hedren? Scary!!!
Glad - I agree that Maine sounds wonderful. I can see the sheep with the flowers in their mouths.
Cm – hahahahaha – laugh of the evening!!!!! But mother would not like to be upstaged.
Had a good coffee with the journalist. Very nice man and said he would like his wife to meet me and they would take me out for lunch when I am in town again, I am sure I could bring Gary too. He has a 94 yr. old narcissistic mil from the sound of it who needs help, but will not accept it. I told him they will have to wait till something happens to convince her. He also has what sounds like a personality disorder daughter. We talked about a lot of stuff. It was interesting and I look forward to meeting his wife.
After talking with L at mother’s ALF and her saying that mother’s next level of care will need to be a mental health placement, I don’t see any point in visiting this other place. I have no idea whether mother even wants to go or how she would behave considering her response to the info about her drug. She is up and down like a yoyo. If we went and he told her that she would not get her diet I can see her going off about her sex glands and that the government is plotting against her. She already told me if he is saying she does not get her diet it means the government has gotten to him. So what is the point? Just more stress. Hopefully her computer will be ready tomorrow –that is an easier topic to deal with. Otherwise I will take it easy.
Yesterday, mother told me to take over handling her investments, so I went to that office today and signed the document. I have kept them updated in general. Her financial advisor has always been such a good friend and now he is on her “hate” list, for no reason at all. Sad. Such a nice man.
G and I saw another IMAX –I fell asleep for part of it – too much walking around down town, but that is good for me. He had to go back to work for a bit and I will go to bed early.
Have a good evening and hope you did something good for you today!

Oh (((((((((cm)))))))))) -we cross-posted -that is horrible nitpicking of the worst kind. I am so thankful I am not in that situation. Mother wanted to make my sis and me co-POA, I refused as knew it would be a power struggle al the way down the line. I could not have done it and I know this kind of thing makes your job so much harder. Your sis does not have a clue!!! I thin sticking to emails a good idea - you have a record. 10% is a minimal tip to me - come on, at least 15% for decent service

All these animal stories are a nice break from all the serious talk. One summer I worked at the college school farm. My partner and I were painting a metal corral...the kind with the feed troughs outside the pen. The livestock teacher showed up with 3 young steer he bought at auction. He put them in this pen. My partner and I were the only employees there...well, the steer managed to squeeze out through the bars at the feed troughs. Steer are wild animals...we were so scared...how to get them back in the pen. I think our panic of running around and screaming that them, scared them back in the pen. Shortly after someone else showed up. Heavy sigh of relief for us!!

CM~I can relate to the cheap tipper. My sister is like that too. Tomorrow I am taking mom out for a hair cut and dye. It will cost $75.00. My sister sent the money already....but she told me to go ahead and tip her $5.00!!!???That isn't even 10%. I will of course tip more than 10%..it is only fair and right.

Sis is back to work this week. Her 401K was rolled over to an IRA. She is re-doing the inside of her house now, new appliances, new flooring, toilets. She wants me to paint her bathrooms, and I will do it.

Gotta go, have a full day tomorrow and laundry to do tonight. Have a good night everyone.

Joan~I agree, 10% is minimal. I usually tip between 15-20%. It does sound like your mother's paranoia is getting worse...I am so sorry as you will have your hands full until she is placed in a mental facility and so will the staff at her current ALF. I am so happy my mother seems to have mellowed as the Alz has taken over her personality disorder...for the most part.

Sharynmarie, the steer probably thought you were both acting 'crazy like a fox'! They went back in the pen before you could frighten them any more! Ref: the bathroom painting, have you heard of the artist Banksie? - he might have a few creative ideas for you. Your sister could enjoy them every day.

My great aunt, the loveliest and most gracious person I think I will ever know, always liked to give people what she called "a note" for any service or kindness. If I'm paying by card I do the % thing and round up to the nearest sensible number, but if it's cash I copy Leah - and the smallest denomination note we have is £5, which is $7.00 or so is it? I suppose sister thinks I should've asked for change.

Honestly, I do feel I've been royally stuffed on this situation. If I'd known the POA was set up in 2004 I'd either have got it changed or thought - more than twice - about whether I was prepared to take the whole thing on. Reporting accounts to the taxman, sending statements to clients, I have eighteen years' experience of and no problem with. Reporting to your big sister… not quite the same. And at least the taxman doesn't come back and query my stationery choices!

Emjo I suppose trust like that explains why you have such a good relationship with Gary! You must have stood there thinking 'it'll be fine it'll be fine it'll be fine (HELP!) it'll be fine…"

How big and complex a portfolio is this that your mother's expecting you to handle? I'm just wondering how much more of your time she's asking you to give up, now that she's booted the faithful old retainer into touch. Is he sorry to be gone?!

The sheep in the garden made a lovely story. I like to think of them enjoying the flowers, like us with a fancy box of chocolates. Yum yum yum!

Daughter is coming home today for feeding up and to see her Granny, we've got her 'til Friday, it'll be lovely. Better get baking. Have a good day everyone x

I wouldn't want to have to report to my sis like you are having to CM. My daughter doubles the sale tax for the service rendered, giving that amount for the tip.

Good day everyone.

too funny, Sharyn! You scared the steers back into the pen. $5.00 tip on $75,00 - not enough!!!! Hope your sis spending her IRA on her house will pay off in the long run. Renovations are expensive. I know I will never see what I put into my house, but I am enjoying it and think it will make the house easier to sell when that time comes. I am so glad that your mum has calmed down. More on mine below.

cm - I think you have been royally stuffed too! Horrible! Re the horses, I know that Gary knows horse behaviour, so I trust him on that. He bought his first horse when he was 12 from money from his "piggy bank" or equivalent. Does he know how to sell them - no. I really don't think he wants to. I think you can trust a person on some things but not others, even if you trust them overall as a good person, which he is. I know he would not tell me to stand in front of a bunch of galloping horses if he thought there was a chance that I would get hurt - other than you could get hurt crossing the street sort of thing. Nothing is totally without risk. Once in a while I have challenged G on what he thinks I can do and offered an alternative - like changing travel plans at the last minute a while ago. I need more notice!!! Re the portfolio: her financial adviser will still handle her business, but I will be his contact instead of mother. He is my financial advisor too. All it means is a phone call once in a while about selling or buying this or that, and a signature on thing or another. I will probably have to get involved in getting her taxes done too, as he has done that for her, but now she does not want to see him, so I need to go through her tax stuff and make sure I have the contact info. and can get her forms. Her apt is being repaired from the flood, thus she is in another unit, so this is a good time to go there and go through her papers and get that stuff, but I want to make sure she is OK with it,
if possible. He is sad about what has happened to their relationship. They were friends for years and he used to come to tea, bring her flowers etc. He has bent over backwards to keep things smooth. I missed him yesterday and will try to have a little visit this time or the next. I have a feeling the next time will not be far off. How lovely to see you looking forward to a visit from your daughter. Enjoy!!!

Will start a new post for this morning's meltdown! :'(

I know that the practice of tipping, at least in restaurants, is different in the US than it is in the UK. There's that business about "service included" or is that only on the continent?

When I was growing up, the standard tipping percent was 15%. That's what I always got as a waitress. Sometime in the last quarter-century, "they" have decided that 20% is now standard. If I was still employed, I wouldn't mind so much. Just yesterday I tipped 25% to the young lady who cracked my lobster tail for me, so I'm not totally cheap. But I think the employers should pay their staff more, and raise the prices if necessary. And when was the public referendum on upping the tip to 20%? No taxation without representation!

Jinx~I usually tip a little above 15% unless the service is above and beyond, then I tip more. I worked for a mom and pop pizza shop, they can't afford much more than minimum wage. I basically ran the shop so the owners could have a couple days off. I delivered pizza in my own car, ordered supplies, did weekly inventory on supplies. The days the owners did not work, I worked 12 hour shifts. I enjoyed the hectic schedule but when they wanted me to only work in the store...not doing deliveries any longer, I had to leave because without the tips and delivery fee coming my way...it was not doable at minimum wage. Where I live the sale tax is 8.5%...that is why my daughter will double the sale tax for the tip.