notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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Basically Granny is all over the place today. Hope there's nothing brewing...
Doesn't sound all that bloody stable to me...
Well, I am having a meltdown today. I know the low thyroid is part of it. What triggered it was I called mother’s case worker and described how I saw mother, and also how mother’s reacted to the meds info. And I mentioned the thoughts of suicide mother talked about. The case worker, N, wanted me to try taking mother to the psychiatrist tomorrow, but I said no. Let her try to deal with a semi hysterical 101 yr. old woman in an office and or a cab in the middle of winter. On Monday, mother was totally against the psychiatrist. I never know from one day to the next who mother hates and who she doesn’t. Her behaviour is not appropriate. I can see her telling the cab driver she has had her sex glands removed…
The case worker asked if my stress was high. I said yes. I didn’t see mother yesterday and could not face seeing her today. The case worker said that they do take caregiver stress - therefore loss of support - into account. They are concerned about caregiver stress??? That triggered the tears –even if it is mainly because of loss if support. She said she would try to get a hold of the psychiatrist and encourage her to hospitalize mother. She felt the twice mentioned thoughts of suicide should be enough. What are they waiting for? They already have decided that when/if mother needs the next level of care it will have to be in a mental health facility.
I emailed the Director of Health and Wellness at mother’s ALF and asked her to tell mother I was not feeling well – true - whacked from walking too much yesterday, and that I would see her (mother) tomorrow. Still haven’t heard about her computer. The apptmt with the psychiatrist is tomorrow pm so I have a lot to do tomorrow.
Got the voice messages from home – mother wants me to get the meds info from a certain pharmacist – the other one doesn’t know anything according to her. This is not accomplishing anything except keeping me running around. Don’t believe for a minute mother will accept the same info from another person. It seems as long as I try to put bandaids on this situation, the health care people are happy, and not willing to act. But if I say I am too stressed out, they may do something. I can’t help mother, she is asking for help, they are the ones who have to help her. She needs professional help. I feel really let down by the medical world in general. Years ago when I was barely a teen, mother was in quite a state, and an MD came to our home. She kicked him out in tears and accusations. As he left, he said I am afraid you are going to have a hard time of it for a while. Thanks for the help, buddy. A psychiatrist saw her and my sister in Scotland and said they both were mentally ill –but no action. I told the dr. and psychiatrist in the hospital last summer that I have just about had it as I have been looking after these crises for 70 years. Did not get any support then either. It is about time! The one tomorrow may get an earful.
I really feel for you. All too often one hears of these cases, where a person who really should be diagnosed is not. What must these case workers and phychiatrists hear from someone in your shoes.
I had a gf, who had some brain damage and was blind. She had so many health problems, so was on disability. Somehow she got kicked out of the system a few years ago, and couldn't collect her disability. When she went back to doctors to get reinstated, the doctors gave her the run around. She was being told she was depressed and they wanted to put her on anti-depressants, which she was totally against. Well she just about had to play the part she was willing to cooperate w/the doctor on the anti-depressant part, so that they'd reinstate her disability.
I can totally understand the feeling of being let down.
O.K., my dear,
Deep breaths,
You're in my thoughts!
Much Love & Light, Margeaux
You sound like you're having a hard time, if your husband is not letting you do what you think is right.
Why not post your own question? If you tell us more of your story, we may be able to offer advice, and we are always glad to listen. Do you see the box that says "Get Answers"?
ya1124 - a question by you before "Can I claim dementia parent living with my wife and I since 2012? " indicates you are male, and yet in this post you talk about your hubby, so I am a bit confused. A little more information would be helpful. Is it your mum, or your hubby's mum, being cared for? What are the "some things" that are happening? My only suggestion is a response to your statement that you did not know what was involved as a caregiver. Many here are in the same boat, If you are burning out, it is time to find/hire some help or consider placing the person in a facility. Good luck to you.
This really must work your nerves over, the way your sister is behaving.
This is really bad, her attitude of not honoring people who pamper your mother.
I'm not POA, nor the main caregiver. My sister is. But I would never ever think of questioning how she manages financials for mom. She is quite responsible in that matter. I'm sure you are too, and I'm really sorry that she scrutinizes your every move in your situation. I completely agree with you about how people aren't aware, probably when they become POA for anyone what that really involves.
Hang in there,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Bermuda - she was in hospital and evaluated last summer, found to have BPD and paranoia. They prescribed the antipsychotic and she won't take it. They arranged to have the mental health team visit her -it took months and months before they did then they evaluated her and found her to be competent and they are relying on me to convince her to take the meds, They can take her to hospital against her will but so far have decided not to. I think she needs to live in a psych facility were they can do something about seeing she gets meds and trained people can deal with her.
pst - marinol - she already is paranoid!!! I hope you are joking. I have never touched any of that stuff and don't intend to. Mother still visits her doctor independent of me. In any case I am in Canada and it is not legal here. She does not qualify for a nursing home as she is too physically fit.
Sharyn - yes, a lot of stress. I think they see mother at her best when they visit her, while I probably get the worst unloaded on me. She also unloads at her ALF so they see how she is, but I get the worst. She did not tell them about the sex glands though she did tell the church people. I presume they want to keep her where she is as long as possible. The mental health nurse said they could take her in and get her sorted and on the drug but when she gets out again, if she stops taking it we are back to square one. I think mother might find that being on the drug is not so bad and that it eases her anxieties. Hopefully they could do some therapy with her about that.
june -thanks - I have seen mother in an uncontrolled state so that 911 might have worked., but it would be better if the mental health team would take action and put her in a mental health care facility, as otherwise mother would be taken to the hospital, and the same thing as last summer would happen. She would be seen by doctors who don't know her and so on.
No news about the computer, so that is a pain. I hope it is ready this morning. I really don't have that much time tomorrow. Oh well - one step at a time. It all is quite frustrating and discouraging. Thankfully sis is out of the picture for now as she makes things quite impossible, but I know she will be included again at some point - something to look forward to. NOT!!!
My time with my mother yesterday went well. Hair cut and color, she looks good with the color, not her natural brunette....a little lighter which I think looks better as we age. If you all recall, I posted about mom having a stuffed Siamese cat in her apartment. Yesterday that cat was gone, she now has a long haired white mechanical cat (about 14 inches tall). Hahaha...she is quite the klepto these days. I am laughing because my mother is the only resident in memory care with a lock on her door, LOL!! She is so paranoid of others stealing from her, yet, she seems to be doing her share of it too. I replaced her phone again, talked with the caregivers about this stray cat, they are aware she has it, but no one has claimed it as their own.
Off to do some cleaning, get dinner cooking. More moving of mom's stuff over here today.
Could you back off seeing her for a while and not talk on the phone either. I know this sounds cruel but you are her only anchor and that might just push her over the edge and get her where she needs to be. She still has too much control and power over you. Lots of hugs
sharyn - good news below
veronica - I have cut her off at times - all of December and, in any case, I do not answer all phone calls normally. I had not seen her since the summer. She still affects me yes. I have PTSD from childhood and that still gets triggered - still working on it. I have been dealing with her crises for 70 years and have had enough, though, at the same time am concerned for her welfare, but someone else can step up to the plate.
The good news is that the psychiatrist says we all have tried everything and nothing is working, so when a bed becomes available in the geriatric mental heath facility she will be certified as incapable of making the right decisions about her treatment and forced to go there. It should be in around 2 weeks. The psychiatrist said it might involve the police and I said do whatever you need to do. I know it is not pleasant process and they do not do it if they think there is an alternative. Once she is certified and admitted they will ensure that she gets the meds she needs. They will also enact a Community Health Order which means once she is released that they have to authority to see that she takes her drugs regularly even if they have to be given by injection by a visiting nurse. It is unfortunate that it has come to this but all the people caring for her are in agreement and so am I and Gary.
I talked with her ALF Director of Health and Wellness this afternoon to inform her of this decision and we talked of how mother has been deteriorating. Even this morning she was ordering the staff around telling one that she was to do this for her and another was to do that - and all completely inappropriate.
I went by there on my way home and knocked on her door but no answer, and I could not see her in the common room, so I will leave well enough alone. Tomorrow I get my tat touch up and pack my bags and go home.
The - minor - bad news is that they could not install Windows 7 on mother's computer so I wasted a lot of time there, but got my money back. I will take her computer home with me, update with Win 8.1 and set it up as well as I can for her and bring it back in a few weeks. I need to get her tax stuff and talk to her ex financial adviser about that as he used to help her with her taxes. By then she should be in hospital for about a month I think and I can check out her apartment for papers freely.
I will let my kids know, but will not communicate with my sister after the last set of accusations. Not sure I will communicate to anyone in the family outside of my kids. No doubt it will come out somewhere sometimes and sis will be on the rampage - whatever, It was AB Health's decision.
I feel much relieved. I have to say the psychiatrist was a nice young woman. I am so thankful that they finally came to this point. There were times past that this would have been a good thing for mother, but no one ever took the initiative.
Tired now and time for supper. Managed about 15 blocks today not too badly. Take care all, and look after you.
Take some deep breaths and relax with a bubble bath and amoratherapy. Blessings to you.
Hypocrite? Moi?
cm - I have absolutely no intention of being present for the event. She won't have time to get to a phone. They will sedate if necessary and I doubt if she will have many phone privileges in the facility. The psych dr. said to go and have a good time and know my mother is well cared for. She will be in there at least a month. As long as she is on the drug, the fallout will not be so bad. The psych doc said to blame her. G says it is looking like first week of March now. He is a procrastinator, but does have stuff that needs to be dealt with in Feb.
One huge part of the relief is that now, even if I get hit by a bus, mother is in the hands of the mental health team, and any interference by my sis would be fruitless. Having her in the process for being certified makes a huge difference. She is still considered competent but not in the area of her own treatment - go figure. The CTO - Community Treatment Order (I had the words wrong above) - gives AB Health the authority to see she gets her drugs, attends appointments etc. It means she can stay in her ALF, but if she gets too difficult to manage they will hospitalize her again and so on, but the process has been started where it is no longer her choice whether or not to take the meds.
so sorry about your nephew. Thank goodness his spine is OK. prayers going your way (((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
Joan, so glad to hear you made progress with Mum's situation....Sounds like a huge breakthru. What an emotional week, the ups n downs, hope you can relax and and begin unwind a bit, finally! I am so happy for you. XOXOX
Hope everyone has a nice weekend. Stay warm and safe.
Finally, you have a sensible psychiatrist on your side.
I cannot tell you what good news this is. It is really difficult to deal with someone with such a strong will such as your mom's. I know you've been dealing with in this situation for quite some time. So to all of this I say, "Bravo."
You have a great outlook as to how you really don't want your sister at this point to start with her trouble. Why should she be allowed anyway, just to stir up the pot, after non-genuine involvement.
This situation is so reminiscent of our narcissistic aunt. My sister didn't have an powers legally speaking.....but she was her main caregiver. She as your mom,
was so strong willed. She did have her health problems, but outward appearances would give the impression she could still conduct business in a logical way.But the reality, as in your mom's case was very different.
O.K., take that bubble bath.
You're a wonderful daughter to your mom, and don't ever forget that!\
Hugs, & Congratulations! Margeaux
margeaux - I was impressed with her. Community geriatrics is her area so she probably has better knowledge/experience than some others, though she appeared pretty young, but anyone under 50 looks young to me.. I don't think my sis can stir up the pot other than harassing me and trying to manipulate mother, but she cannot accomplish much there now. As you say, your aunt could give a very good impression and so can mother, so it has been important for me to communicate with the mental health team and mother's case worker so they knew how mother really was. The ALF staff were great too as they saw mother's ups and downs.
Got my tat touch up which took a long time. Will have to come back for the eyeliner, but need to come back for mother's tax stuff anyway. I am exhausted and emotional now, checked out of the hotel and just waiting for the shuttle to the airport, so I have a 1 1/2 hours to sit and relax. Bubble bath at home tonight! Thanks for the encouragement. I know have done the right thing even if it is not entirely comfortable.