
Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
I am having foot surgery and will be helpless for two weeks.
I wish all of you well and when I know something new I will share it, when able.
I have been in a soft cast and a walking boot up to the knee since
Thanksgiving, boy my first two weeks of vacation in 7 years...
Probably they need to be critical so they can vent their complaints about being miserable. Surely they can't take responsibility for their own happiness! ha
I took Mom to Dr today. She totally misunderstood everything the Dr said about the meds. I sat with the Mrs Know It All for 30 minutes going over the med schedule before going to work. Just got home and checked on meds/ eye drops she took. Well she did what she always does and that is to self medicate. She decided she was going to do the drops that she wanted to do. Told me she'd start the schedule tomorrow. Shoot me! Please! There is no preparation for the job I am doing. I throw my hands up in the air and say no one is bleeding or in heart failure, she didn't fall and her Dr said I was doing a great job with her. The Dr gets it. My Mom is a pain in my ass. Always has been and is going to be for the rest of her life. Tomorrow is another day right? Thanks for listening. I feel better already. I am loosing my mind but I feel better. Lol
The job you have at least gives you a break from her.
I am looking for one myself!
I had my annual medical and dental check-up on Wednesday. Since I couldn't remember when I had my last Tetanus shot, doc prescribed Tetanus and Flu shots. By late afternoon, my right joints were hurting. The next day, my right elbow was hurting more than the previous day. By 5pm, it was really really hurting.
When it was time to change father's pampers, I gasped and felt faint from this very very sharp pain on my lower right back. Even just bending a tiny bit forward, the pain shot out. To reach out with my right arm, and the pain shot out. But I was able to take off his shirt, wipe him down and put on the new pampers. I was almost in tears of pain/frustration when I couldn't even bend anymore to tape up his new pamper. By then, I couldn't handle the pain anymore... I was Anticipating it and flinching before it came. When I finally did it, I leaned exhaustedly against the wall. My back was killing me.
My arthritis pain is from my upper shoulders and upper back right below my neck. I do NOT have pain from my lower back. This is something new - which I contributed to either the Tetanus or Flu shot. So, last night, I used my back pillow. I ordered it off-island - it's basically flat with a slight rise. Ohhhh myyyyy!!! I laid it on top of my wedge pillow (to prevent acid reflux/GERD), and I laid down on it, the pain shot out and then I literally felt my back muscles relax. I fell asleep on my back and woke up this morning on my back. I slept the whole night through.
I've decided to bring my fluffy neck wrap massager with me daily to work. This morning, I felt my neck pain while driving to work. Even though I was late for work, I took the time in the car to use it. When I was done, I was able to avert the neck/headache pain without taking Tylenol!
Quick shout-out: does anyone have experience of managing late-onset rheumatoid arthritis, especially in the context of a hugely dysfunctional family leaning MUCH too heavily on the family matriarch, who is also the RA sufferer?
Carol is in her mid-sixties. Devoted (and much-loved, but by pretty clueless husband) wife, mother of four boys. Four! All boys! Imagine that. Tremendous hard worker, worked as a school cook all her life, of the sort who wins "unsung heroine" awards. Lovely woman, but as we can all guess has had very little time for herself or for developing close female friendships. Husband and wife both have a poor, verging on irresponsible, approach to their own healthcare - seek medical advice and then subvert or ignore it if it proves inconvenient, that sort of thing.
The four boys are now, I think, all married to variously unsatisfactory women, there are some grandchildren. They are all at each others' throats over the family-run businesses. They expect baby-sitting services and then criticise the childcare. They're nice boys, they do care about their mother, but... no one in the family is what you'd call academic. I sympathise with at least one of the DILs - as far as I can see, her major fault is that she's quite bright and loses patience with her in-laws.
I've got hold of a good information leaflet about RA and have suggested this be copied to every one of the boys and to the husband; I hope this will lead to heads being knocked together. But the big question is: how to make one of life's champion carers sit back and allow people take care of her? I really like this lady, but I don't live near her or see her often enough to be of practical help. All suggestions welcome: further reading, posters, cookery books, lifestyle guides, any ideas?
Father's catheter (urine) is bloody. Lastnight, it was super red. I was soooo grossed out emptying the bag. I was gagging and coughing and my stomach was heaving. I can't stand blood. His urine was really really red. Sis had to change it the first time because every time I looked at it, I was gagging and grossing out. But I had to empty it again before sleeping. I emptied it at 930pm. And it's almost 1am, and it's full and bloody again. One more emptying than I'm done. He called the doc who sent the nurse over with the antibiotics.
While changing his pampers, and in the middle of putting on his shirt, his right hand flew out and he tried to hit me. Pissed me off. I left him - with the shirt still up on his back and told him that I will not put up with being hit. He will have to learn. Because he tried to hit me, he can put his darn shirt on the rest of the way (already got his arms and head in it. Just have to pull it down.) He was cussing and getting mad at me.
He also gets so angry because when we try to take off his shirt, he STRAIGHTENS his arm! I keep telling him to bend his arm so that I can slip his arm out of the sleeve and he keeps straightening it more. Then he yells at me because i don't know how to take off his shirt. Sigh.....
I just haven't been feeling like posting here on AC. Too many problems with me and him. I don't want to be a sourpuss here. Too much negativity is not good....
I completely agree with Austin. You do so much not only for your father,
but also for your entire family! I have always wondered hearing your particular situation, if you can also find some kind of help. You have been doing this a very long time, and at some point....your body is trying to tell you something.
Also, have you thought of the day you may not be able to do some of this anymore? You may at least want to check your options available, as your dad's health becomes more demanding, and your own health.
You should never feel that we don't want to hear what you're going through either.
This is what the thread is for. But I realize too, that you've written about how this makes you feel depressed, so can understand that also.
But take care of your pains, and don't allow for this man to abuse you.
You're in my thoughts!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
DINY - can you get some help? It sounds like you have an impossible schedule/load. Does your mum have funds to hire some help or to pay you? Come back and vent anytime. It does help. Be sure too look after yourself -
judd -you have me thinking - yes they need to vent their misery and they take no responsibility for their happiness. You wrote " I offer something if she doesn't want help, great. I get to live my life. Until her next frantic call. Why until her next frantic call? It is a cycle that keeps repeating itself. She does fine in that cycle - you are the one suffering. I hope you find a job. You need to look after you and be the daughter, the person, that YOU want to be, not what she wants you to be - and do it in this life!!!
hi book - it is prudent to wait and see, I agree. I do feel that the AB Health System will not easily be moved from their decision. Sis has no power over them, and the only thing I can think of that would offset this is if mother started taking her meds voluntarily, and cooperating with them, which I think is highly unlikely. I am so sorry that you have so much pain. So glad the pillow and the massager worked. Is it time for more help? Do you have hospice? Can your doctor advise/order that you take a break?
glad - sounds like it would be worthwhile for you to try a pillow or two - moose hair perhaps? lol
cm - this lady has a long history of looking after others and not herself. Not sure you are going to make many inroads here. I always think being a good example goes further than most other tactics, but bless you for caring,
Austin - I agree that book needs more help. It is an impossible situation.
hugs everyone - do something good for you today. I need to start throwing out a lot of stuff to make housekeeping easier. Wish me luck!
Iwen~I don't remember you posting about your leg or court. I hope it all works out for you and you have a speedy recovery.
Cm~Your friend sounds like one of those strong women who will suffer in silence because she is the glue to the family.
DinNY~I don't know if your mother has to take the pills at different times or if you can give them to her at a set time each day. I went to my mom's house at the around the same time each day to give her her meds. I was giving her an antidepressant but we told her it was for something else because she wouldn't take it if she knew it was an antidepressant.
Take care everyone, hope the weekend is restful.
I've told SIL (of next door) that I'm still brainstorming on what I will be doing when he becomes violent like mom used to be. She said that we will just tie him up. My eyes widened and I shook my head. That's fine and dandy for THEM. I'm the one living here and "in charge" of his health. I Would Be the One Arrested for elder abuse if we tied him up - not them (next door)! I am still trying to figure out what to do.
Veronica, father wears a t-shirt and then an open long-sleeve light sweater - because he's always cold. But then, he becomes so hot, then cold, etc... I have to always change his shirt when I change his pampers because he would be soaking wet - with or without the sweater. Even when trying to take off the sweater, he straightens his arm...like he did this morning. And he got mad at me because I could not take the sweater off when i kept telling him to straighten his arm. I'm beginning to suspect that his senility is touching those brain cells that makes it obvious that to take off a clothing, you need to Bend your arm. Instead he straightens it. And when I keep repeating BEND, he just straightens his arm harder. So he's mixing the word BEND to STRAIGHT.
Ohhh! I think I will experiment on one of his older t-shirts. I will cut a slit on the Back side and try it your way. I didn't even think of doing it the opposite like you said! I just automatically try to take off his shirt by doing the moving arm, then slide it over his head, then pull it out from his weak painful stroke damaged left arm. Thanks....
I just realized that borderline personality disorder is an actual disorder. All this time I have thought you were kind of saying mom borders on being psychotic. I just read about it online, now I wonder if that is what sibling's problem is. Just found out that she offered to stay with my grandchildren for three days while daughter and husband are out of town. It would be nice if she would find a few hours for my mom. Now I am worried about her caring for my grandchildren. I'm the first to admit I'm paranoid, but I do not like this one little bit. If I told my daughter, that would blow up again. GEEZ!
quote "Every time I start to get back up as soon as I have to deal with the parents or sisters I'm so wound up you have to peel me off the ceiling with ammonia and a razor blade!" Is that telling you something. I agree with book. Time to look at another way.
But, we are here with the ammonia and the razor blades and we will help peel you off the ceiling, if that is what you need. Zoo, you can stop taking those phone calls. I cut mother off for a month. It was just to much for me after sis's interference and even now I pick and choose the calls that I answer or let them go to voice mail and answer when I feel up to it. And no guilt. I have a life too.
They do not need to run/ruin your life. There is space from them, but you have to create it. It is not easy, I know that well, but get those blue tights on, the tuna cans, the bracelets, the tiara, the reflective, deflective chicken vest - whatever it takes and get your own life back. Venting is good.
Here is a tip for migraines. If it doesn't work maybe you can laugh at yourself anyway, but it is supposed to help.
Submerge your feet and hands in hot/warm water and put a bag of frozen peas at the base of your skull. The heat on your extremities pulls the blood from your head relieving some/all of your headache.
Time for some protective measures - they the crazy ones - will go their merry crazy way anyway - no matter what you do. And don't give a sh*t what those fire ants say - can't be any worse than my sister says to me. It stings for a bit, but life goes on and I ignore her, Be the person YOU want to be - not what they want you to be, And the first thing is look after you! Up and at 'er Zoo!!! Time for YOU!!!
Just saw about your moose hair pillows. I'm itching already! LOL.
I am probably being paranoid, I don't think she would hurt them, I do wonder if her sudden interest in them is how she thinks she can get back at me. She blames me for her lack of interest in mom and not seeing her because am here. What she has failed to tell anybody is the few times she has come over in the past 2.5 years is that I either leave the house or go to my room to read. The social worker that is moms guardian really cannot figure her out. Her behavior is just so completely bizarre. Nobody knows what to think. She is definitely narcissistic and always was the center of attention. She isn't any more, but still always wants her way. Odd behavior for a counselor, at that. I hope she is in therapy. But, nobody can tell her anything so it probably wouldn't do any good.
she called and talked with mom's hubby yesterday, this is the most common response to my informational emails, to ask how mom was doing. He tells her how many times mom asks what dat it is during breakfast. Her response?! Doesn't she have a calendar? She has no idea that mom would not be able to figure out what day it is from a wall calendar. He told her that we have a calendar at her place on the table. It is one of those day at a time types, if I change the day then she can look at it anytime and know. But, what tends to happen is she asks the day, then she looks at the calendar and says January. Not sure if she forgets the information she wanted or if she is actually confusing day of the week and month.
Had the agency caregiver here again today, went up to five hours, and all was quiet on the western front. Mom was comfortable enough to go back to bed for a nap. I had a wonderful morning with a dear friend that I babysat for when I was in high school. We went to breakfast, picked up a few groceries, went looking for a Super Bowl bandana (GO BRONCOS), then went to her house and chatted for a bit. It was very nice to have someone to spend time with so I wasn't constantly worrying about mom.
{{{HUGS}}}