The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Thank you Book. I am so touched by the outpouring of support the family is receiving through prayer not just from family and friends, but from people all over that I felt compelled to share it. Thank you again for lighting a candle and praying.
Hugs back to you!

glad - she certainly could have a personality disorder. Narcissism goes along with some - the need to be in control, to be the center of the universe, and you can't tell them anything as they are always right She really sounds out of touch with how your mum is. Denial is another common trait. Good for you having a great morning with a friend. Try not to worry about your mum all the time. It doesn't accomplish anything except keeping you worried. :p. You need a break from that.

Sharyn - that is heart breaking. Prayers for Ethan for sure. What a gorgeous child. I have been where they are and I know it is hard. ((((((Hugs)))))

emotional roller coaster here - last night I was nasty, nasty, mean and hurtful, and she disowned me, early this morning she says she knows I am doing what I think is best, and she accepts it, but then she goes on to tell me that the doc who removed her sex glands is associated to this ALF which is why she wants too move and she is afraid of being mutilated. Not sure what the most recent voice mail will say, but am leaving it for now. It feels like a long wait right now for her to be admitted. I have told my kids, even my daughter who ended up being very sensible and supportive. I am very thankful for that. The boys are always supportive. I will write mother's lawyer so she is filled in, in case of repercussions. There is a Mental Health Patient Advocate and certified patients do have rights so there is a process mother can follow if she feels mistreated or, I suppose, wrongfully certified. The phone is going and going. I suppose it is a outlet for her of some kind. I feel badly that my mother has this disease. I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy.

Cooking helps to ground me and I am out of coconut milk ice cream, so may have a go at that today. Hamburger soup is good, especially when it is minus 15 feels like minus 26 outside. Warming up a bit after that, thankfully.

Have a good day and do something good for you today!

book - if you tell your dad to straighten his arm will he bend it?

Glad,

This must be very hard for you, the fact that your sister wants to watch your grandkids. Given the recent Christmas you had....and the fact your daughter went ahead and invited people you obviously have issues with, must not make your daughter look very good in your eyes either. My sister goes through this constantly, with her daughters, especially the eldest one, now that she has two small children. I totally understand why you wouldn't want your sister around them, too if she doesn't seem to use any reason, nor have compassion.

It feels to me also, that possibly your relationship with your daughter can be strained. If they make their own agreements between themselves, maybe you need to ask yourself whether it's really worth you becoming a party to all of that.
Is this baby sitting for them going to be for say a weekend? Definitely for the way you read your sister if it were for more time, or more consistent then maybe you could bring this up to your daughter. But I know.....as in my own sister's case, if she were to bring something as such up to her daughter, (of which she's been in that position) w/the grandmother wars, she realizes she'll create more tension between she and her own daughter.

Anyway, I just thought I'd bring up some of that, and give you something to think about in the matter. When my sister has voiced these kinds of concerns, I've told her that maybe she need just to back off, not obsess about these things. I find also that when you've several disruptive people, that eventually their going to have their own fallout. Maybe doesn't happen each and every time, but many times yes.

I do feel for you too, because as I was getting the impression from your postings,
you feel caught in the middle of all of this. But try to focus on yourself, instead of always worrying about what has to do with the care of others, even your grandkids, just for a day or two.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Emjo,

Really sorry about your mom just going at it again.
I know....I use cooking as my therapy. Mmmm, do you make the hamburger soup with meatballs made out of the hamburger? Just wondering. I've made soup like this.

Recently, I made some chocolate chip cookies using some chia gel. Yes, this is the chia seeds from that commercial they used to run during Christmas. Anyway,
used it a substitute for eggs, and some of the oil I used in this recipe. Actually,
my husband loved them. I did too. Now, I'm spurred on to try and make these w/non-gluten flours. But I need some other flours to do this.

O.K., hang in there....and definitely hoping that you have some calm.
You're in my thoughts!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Book,

Well, since I'm on the subject of the baking.......I read your question about the convection oven, can't remember if it was here or on the other thread. I don't know much about these ovens, have you found any more information?
I saw a recipe to something called a "Texas Sheet Cake." Boy, did that look good. It's one of these flat cakes made on a baking sheet. It was chocolate, and looked so good, like the ones they make in a school cafeteria.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Margeaux-
Emjo's soup is probably ground moose, I'm guessing and joking. Any sort of soup is wonder on the cold days we get and Emjo's are so much colder than mine in Colorado!

I will respond to my sister and daughter stuff on something other than my tablet, I hate typing on this thing and the words it auto corrects really irritates me. It wanted to correct auto correct to autoworkers. UGH

That is right.
When putting the shirt, sweater, or coat on an affected arm you put the affected are in first because , if you put it on the unaffected arm the shirt, sweater or coat, doesn't have any play.

When taking shirt sweater or coat off it is the reverse and the last to come out.
I wear one peice slip-overs they have the most fabric room, I hate getting trapped in my clothes. One side of my body is bigger the affected left side than the other by one size so I have to buy the one size bigger and do the shoulder inseam smaller on the right to look even.

Can they refuse to see a doctor, if you are the caregiver?
i think you have "rights" as a caregiver to insist that your father see a urologist, isn't that what caregivers do? I 'd give myself an easier time of it!

Margeaux - no I don't make meatballs, just simmer the hamburger - not moose burger this time. glad but I have used it in the past - with onions, garlic, tomato, celery, some bell peppers, and whatever else. I like to add a green leafy veg like spinach or bok choy. It makes a meal in a pot. Natives make hamburger soup with hamburger, onions and oatmeal and I liked that but cant have it due to allergies. Buckwheat is a good substitute. I make Swedish meatballs but those in gravy and mushrooms. My oven has a convection option. Can't say I have noticed much difference. Interesting about the chia gel. I have been thinking of trying chia for some things.

glad - soup today was definitely the right thing!!! I am going to do Thai coconut chicken tomorrow in the crock pot. Autocorrect can be a pain. More than once I have intended to send "Hugs" to Gary and nearly have sent "Jugs" lol

Iwentanon - how do you insist a person go to a doctor if they wont? I haven't figured that one out.

Well, the latest from mother is that she agrees that my decision is the best. She sounded reasonably comfortable with it. Wonder how long that will last. She said she was upset because I had accused her of lying about her doctor???? We haven't even discussed her doctor! Oh well.

Joan~Thank you for the prayers for Ethen. I am sorry for all that everyone is going through and I wish I could be more supportive, I am thinking of all of you and hoping you all receive peace of mind.

Have a good night everyone!!

Margeaux-
I will not be saying anything to my daughter about my sister staying for three days while they go to Super Bowl. Go BRONCOS! But, it makes me very uncomfortable to say the least. I don't want to put any further stress on my relationship with daughter. She will find out in due time, I really think she sees it, but for whatever reason she is choosing to try to be close to her. Sis does a great job of garnering sympathy and getting people to believe she is treated so badly. Just bizarre. But I did tell the social worker about it and my discomfort. She was going to send sis an email about not seeing mom and giving her a crash course on how to respond to her. Sad, a counselor can't figure it out, but I guess she doesn't have to as long as she continues to blame me for her behavior. Social worker just does not understand her problem either. She may email my daughter as well, I just don't know. Daughter and hubby separated a few weeks ago, but are going to the game together. They have been so good for each other and have weathered many storms. Hopefully they have a good time with the right team winning.

Emjo,
I googled personality disorders and went to Mayo site. My sister doesn't seem to be BPD, but definitely histrionic and possibly bipolar. You just never know what she is going to say or do next. The social worker is quite confused by her as well as everybody else. In the beginning of all of this family all thought she may be developing early onset. I still wonder, the things she does and says are mystifying. I actually think she is afraid to spend time alone with mom because of the emotional upset that sis will experience.

sister babysitting will not be as easy as she thinks its going to be. She will, no doubt, take her supply of xanax. And they are very rambunctious children. Sis had one, and split time caring for him with her ex 50-50. She really has no idea what she is in for.

Sharyn-
my best wishes to you and your family.

Thanks glad! I am in a slump right now. Just tired of cancer, people who are suffering with great burdens. I cant give any words of support so without
if going to a manor rant I need to take a break. This has been working I kn me for a while now...I just don't want to be a responsible person for awhile.****hugs****

I hardly know where to start, just to share I am overwhelmed tonight. My life is in a very bad state socially, financially, and health-wise. I am doing long-distance caregiving for my borderline/narcissistic mother and locally she's being aided by another relative who has a personality disorder as well. The second relative is only in her sixties but is beginning to show signs of mental decline as well and there is no other family. I am so scared that I will end up having to be responsible for both of them soon as the local relative may soon need help herself if she continues to decline and my mother will no longer be able to count on her help. I do a huge amount of interventions from a distance but without one sane and willing local contact it will be impossible. My life is too unstable to move them locally to me and if I move to them my ability to take care of myself may be destroyed. I can't live with walking away and leaving them to the state either, I don't know what to do. Guess I just need some support tonight, thanks for reading.

Adding I am not even 45, I never dreamed all this would come to me so soon.

My family has been dysfunctional since I was a little kid. I grew up witnessing verbal altercations between my mother and father, sometimes my grandmother. When my three sisters and I became adults, we became part of the problem. And now that we have children they, too, became part of the dysfunctional family that I hated since I became a teenager. My grandma and father have long been gone. Only my 85 year old mother is alive and has shown signs of dementia. She is under the care of my nephew who isolates her from her children. He runs after her children about money matters, denies that he has benefitted from my mother's money (no proof, he insists; that what my mother says about him borrowing about $50k was hearsay); wrote Oakhill Cemetery and Dignity and demanded that my name be taken off the irrevocable funeral insurance plan and cemetery lots I purchased on behalf of my mother, using her money. I now have the blank forms to do the transfer, but I am hoping to hear from an attorney who may be reading this forum.

Hi Sunnydreams and Concern4mama. You both have a difficult situation to deal with. Sunnydreams, there's no way that one can person can take care of another person 24/7. It is even much harder, to take care of 2 people by oneself. This can take YEARS of caregiving. I was age 23 when my mom was diagnosed with dementia when she was about 56 years old. My mom finally passed away last year. I have been helping to caregive for her for about 23 years later. 3 years ago, my father had a stroke. Therefore I was caregiving 2 bedridden parents for 3 years by myself and still have a full time job. Oldest sis only moved in last year. But she did come for 2 years from Monday-Fridays to babysit them while I was work. Even then, I was past exhaustion. I was falling during the daytime, blacking out (losing up to 20 minutes) at nights....... I think you need to really think this through before deciding that you can handle them. Versus the states/govt. Know this, if you do decide to care for them, it would be very very difficult to leave the home to do any shopping, etc.... You will need to find someone to do your errands for you. What I would really like for you to do - is read the different topics on this site. Read to be informed. And know that there are sooo many people like you or in similar situations.

Concern4mama... if you want a wider audience with their opinion, you may want to try asking a question. See the box on the Right that says: GET ANSWERS ? Just type in your question and hopefully you can get different ideas. I think everyone who reads your question will want to know who has POA (power of authority.) Only that person can disentangle your mom's financial records and see if the nephey did touch your mom's $50k...... What exactly are you going to transfer? And WHY? Whoever has POA would be best to seek a lawyer. The thing is, something should have been in place in the beginning. If $$ is needed for mom's expenses, then nephew should be keeping all the receipts and forwarding it monthly to the POA. Balance the money. Anything off, question the nephew. etc... And if no one has POA, I think it should be time to get one before nephew gets the idea to do it.

Emjo, I will try the opposite next time. This is something new. Before, he would automatically bend his arm. Now, he automatically straightens it. Then when I tell him to bend it, he straightens it more. So, I’m thinking that he’s mentally also deteriorating in that he’s mixing the words and the actions.

Margeaux, I’ve decided not to buy the toaster/convection oven. I realized that I would have to buy everything from scratch – the baking pans, the ingredients, etc… We don’t even buy food regularly. Where will I find the extra $$ to buy butter, etc…. Our food is mainly from my income. Which I rarely have left over money to buy food.

Iwentanon – yep, you cannot force anyone to seek medical help. I went through this last year in June. I knew my father had pneumonia in May. I kept trying to get him to go to the clinic. He refused. I called 911, ambulance came, he refused, ambulance left. I then called APS. They cannot do anything. Gave me the elder care lawyer. Went to the office, got interviewed, and was told that there’s nothing they can do if father refuses to seek medical help. I then went to the medical insurance to try to get a doctor to do home visit and was very firmly told that their doctors are not allowed to do home visits. I was then given a number … APS! I was getting the run around. In conclusion, you cannot force anyone against their will to seek medical help.

Glad – I agree that it’s best to remain neutral. Unfortunately, your daughter will have to learn the hard way. Or not. Hard to say. Let’s just hope for the best and that your sis is in a very good mood when babysitting the grands. Let’s really really really hope all goes well!

Sharyn….that’s how I feel about living on this island and seeing so many people die of cancer. Or it coming back. It’s sad that so many worldwide are dying of cancers.

Thanks Booklvr for your reply! Just to clarify I don't plan to do hands on 24/7 caregiving. I am overwhelmed at the prospect of being the responsible party overseeing all their care and affairs. I already have DPOA in case of incapacity. Those who can personally do the 24/7 caring have my deepest respect. I read about your father, you must have such patience! So many years of caregiving from such a young age makes you pillar of strength in my book. I would suggest like emjo too to tell him to straighten instead of bend - or maybe a third word like Relax the arm.

Sunnydreams, I'm wondering if you feel you fell into a trap, here - you say you're overwhelmed at the prospect of being the responsible party: my question, then, is how on earth were you persuaded to accept DPOA?

Taking my own family's situation, others on this site, and now yours too as examples, I'm wondering how much advice and thought goes on when powers of attorney get drawn up while the situation remains hypothetical. I'm pretty sure my mother, brother and sister went merrily ahead with their arrangement without using much imagination. What do you think? What advice were you given?

To bring everyone up to date on my sister's youngest son-in his 30's with the hiking accident falling backwards down a cliff-I talked to my sister yesterday he has a colasped lung fractured pelvis back fractures but his spine is ok stitches in his head-the problem is what he will do post hospital-he was on his way to Mexico to teach-he is estranged from the rest of the family except my sister-she flew out to CA to be with him and to see for herself how bad he was-I can only offer emotion help.

Usually when dealing with someone with one side damaged it works best to put the paralyzed arm into the sleeve first, over the head then the "good" one. Of course they need to be co-operative. Same with a jacket, bad side in the sleeve first then they can help with the good side. Slitting a shirt up the back will work unless the slit angers him. Also try asking him to do the opposite of what you want and see if the works. Tell him to bend when you want him to straighten.
My first thought was to tickle him but that was not very helpful!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Infections are a fact of life just give him the antibiotics or not if he refuses.
Going to the urologist is pretty pointless because he would probably refuse surgery and it would be dangerous for him anyway. A prostatectomy is major surgery and he'd still likely be incontinent afterwards so no gain there. Can you jiggle his diet so he does not continue to gain weight. Don't let him now about it but for instance if he wants lots of sweet things don't put sugar in the cakes use an artificial sweetener. Truvia is indistinguishable from sugar.
You say his bad arm is painful does he have enough pain medication to keep him comfortable. Don't worry about addiction at this stage being pain free may make him easier to manage. Don't exceed the recommend dose of Tylenol as it can severely damage the kidneys.
Just because Mom became violent does not mean Dad will too. Tying him up is obviously not an option but some sedation may be. He may not be ready for Hospice yet but is there a palliative care program near you. If you can enroll him they will be able to help with many of the same things hospice does and work with his Dr about medications etc

Well, I am the Scapegoat of my dysfunctional family. Mother is the enabler and she is in nursing home. I am the one it has always fell on that is to blame for everything wrong. I have a brother who is the GoldenChild, craps gold all the time it seems. Although he is the one who never comes to see his parents, although he only lives a bit over an hour away. I wish I could turn my head away and refuse to be involved too.

Glad I have been a migraine suffer since age 13, although now with advancing age and hardening of the arteries I only get a short aura. I know that these days there are many drug options to help but when I was at my worst they did not exist. What worked for me was to soak in a hot bath and drink a hot cup of sweet tea and if I could get hold of it a diuretic. hugs

glad - it does sound like sis has something. You are right that 2 rambunctious kids will not be easy. Would not be surprised if she does not offer again. Surprised that the social worker does not have a clue. You would think she would have. Sorry to hear that your daughter just split with her hubby. I hope they work things out. I do think your daughter will figure it out about your sis.

Sharyn - sorry you are in the dumps, but it is not surprising You have had and have a big load - lots going on. We will be here when you are ready to come back. Take care of you!!!

sunny - wecome - sounds like you have too much too - Two with personality disorders is almost impossible I would not even consider moving them close to you or you moving close too them. My mother is a borderline and so very difficult to manage and age related changes e.g. paranoia are present now which makes it all worse. You don't have to take it on. Are they living in their homes? Is it time for a facility? The staff in a facility can take the major part of the load. You cannot let your own life be destroyed. Others have let the care go to a third party - sometimes that is all that is workable. There are times I wish I had not taken it on You have a lot of life ahead of you. I am 76 and still looking after (distance like you) my borderline mother who is 101 and going strong, Think about it. ((((((hugs))))) look after you.

concern4mama -welcome to you as well - as book says you would get more answers from posting your question/concern separately. Your family does sound dysfunctional. I would be concerned about your nephew and how your mothers money is being spent,. Who has POA medical and financial needs to be established for your mum's sake. I don't understand about the significance of what you are doing with the cemetery plots either. Can you clarify?

book - does your father have no income at all for food? Hope a different direction like straighten or relax works or you may have to slit the shirts.

cm - I might have pushed harder for a third party to be EPA and PD if I had realised how it was - not that mother would not have been after me anyway, but someone else would have the responsibility for the hard decisions, and it would have taken some of the pressure off me

Austin - happy that your nephew doesn't have worse injuries and yet it sounds bad enough and that it will take a while for him to heal. Gary had his pelvis broken in 4 places and he recovered and was older than your nephew so I imagine he will recover, but it will take time Looks like your sis will have to step in and help out. I am sure that your emotional support is valuable.

Hi michelle - welcome - I am the scapegoat too - a number of us here are. My sis is the golden child so I understand your position. It really makes it hard to be involved with these dynamics, yet they seem to fall back on us to do the work. With your dad at home and your mother in an NH you have a lot of work and responsibility. ((((((hugs)))))

veronica - I gave zoo a remedy for migraines from online - the hands and feet in hot water and bag if frozen peas on the back of the neck. Do you know if that is helpful? Sorry you have migraines and had them so long.

Love and (((((((hugs)))))) to all and do something good for you today!

Dysfunctional family and caregiving is whats going on inside my home. I am sole caregiver for my mother and my son lives with us as well as his 2 year old baby and mother of baby. My son turns to drinking when he has to carry all the responsibility for his baby and this causes him to become nasty and abusive to the baby, the mother of the baby, me and my mother. I am overwhelmed and stressed to the max just taking care of mom, but having my son act out and hearing the mother and my son cuss each other out every weekend is more than I can handle. If this isn't dysfunctional I don't know what is. Anyone out there who can help advise? Depressed and exhausted.

Hi glo - welcome. Seems you have several problems - one is being a caregiver to your mum, one is that you have your son staying with you and he drinks and gets argumentative, another is that your son gets abusive when he is drinking and another is that you allow this. Why??????

Yes, it is very dysfunctional. Have you reported your son's abuse? He should be reported for child abuse, senior abuse, spouse abuse and for abusing you. From what you wrote it sounds like verbal/emotional abuse. Is there any physical/financial/sexual abuse going on?

I need to say this: your son does not drink because he has to carry all the responsibility. No one is to blame for your son's drinking! No one. Your son drinks because he chooses to drink as a way of dealing with his stress, rather than dealing with it in a healthy manner. And he chooses to take out his frustrations on those around him who are weaker than he is.

Advice - your son must move out before he does someone permanent damage if he has not already. His wife/girlfriend and baby should NOT move with him. Contact Social Services and the local Agency on Aging about your situation and get counselling and whatever help they can offer. There are battered woman's shelters who can help the mother of your grandbaby to get set up and to deal with the abuser. The abuse will only get worse until/unless he gets help and stops drinking.

You also could calling in Adult Protective Services as verbal/emotional abuse comes under their mandate. They can do an investigation and make interventions to help you get your home in order. I would contact the other agencies first and follow their direction.

For yourself I suggest that you find an Alanon group, to help you understand alcoholism and your son's sickness, and find ways to cope. You could also speak with your doctor about your situation and possibly get an antidepressant and also some advise from him/her. I know you love your son, but he has a serious sickness. I speak from personal experience here. Three of my four children have/have had addictions - 2 alcoholism and 1 a gambling addiction. One with alcoholism is dead, the other two are alive, and doing well, not trapped by their addictions any more. They got help as did I.

Dysfunctional families keep secrets, and hide their problems from others. It is so important to get outside people - professionals - involved. Nothing will change for the better until you do. In fact, things will get worse. Please take steps before it does get worse.

I know it is difficult. Make a couple of calls for appointments/information today and come back and tell us about it. (((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

Emjo. I don't know if the frozen peas and hot hands and feet work for migraine. These days I only need to wait half an hour for my vision to clear and no further ill effects.

I wondered as my daughter gets migraines. I may mention it to her. She has meds that help, but don't take the pain away completely. Glad yours is less than it was.

Too,
As EMJO said so well! She has been there as have I. You first need to realize that your son's behavior is his responsibility and choice. Then you need to take care of you by getting son out of the house. A restraining order will probably be necessary, again from experience. If you do not do what should be done to protect and care for yourself, nobody else will.