The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Countrymouse, of course nobody gave me any warning advice, hahaha! Like watch out you just signed up to sink into a tar pit. The problem is that I'm literally the only relative who can - there are no cousins, siblings, spouses, ZERO. So if I say no, they would be wards of the state when they decline enough. To me that's a pretty serious thing to leave them to and I don't feel that they deserve that. I'll try to arrange every service imaginable though and create buffers where I can.

Emjo, I think you are in better health mental and physical even though older than both of my relatives! My mother could arguably be in a facility though she would have be declared incompetent and forced into one - not an easy task from what I've learned reading here. She's barely managing in her home now with some in-home help. My other relative is definitely still competent and managing, so she's a long way yet from being in a facility and wouldn't have the money for an ALF. She does show some warning signs though which worry me about the possibility of her developing dementia early as it runs strong in my family. Both of them will likely follow the path of NH, spend down then Medicaid. From a distance I can't supervise hired help or make sure that they aren't lying about their capabilities. They are very isolated so there are no neighbors I can get to check on them. I fear greater involvement is inevitable and I must make my peace with it. I looked for a geriatric care manager but none were listed in their entire state.

((((((sunny))))) - I probably am in better shape than they are. It runs in the family. We are pretty healthy till quite late in life other than the personality disorder, though mother at 101 is still considered competent as she passes the tests. Your profile says your mum is 43 but I think that is your age and you mum is in her late 60s perhaps or early 70s? I feel very fortunate to still be well, but it is about time I got someone in to help with the cleaning. ;p

I don't know how you could get out of this, but if I were you I would make a back-up plan. If you were hit by a bus tomorrow your mum and other relative would survive and be looked after by the system. Maybe not as well as you would, but please consider alternatives.

What was critical for me in getting support was that mother's personality disorder and paranoia were diagnosed. The paranoia is harder to deal with because of the BPD. I don't know if this is always the case with Alz. but it does tend to complicate things. Have you contacted the Agency on Aging and also Social Services in their area. I cannot emphasize enough the benefit of professional support.

One thing that people advise here is to have the senior evaluated for their capabilities. I think it is Social Services who does that and will make recommendations about what they need/where they need to live. I am in Canada and our systems are different. For seniors who won't move into a facility, but are really not capable of living at home sometimes all you can do is wait until something happens - like a fall - and they are hospitalized. Then the hospital cannot release them except to a suitable placement. Spending down and Medicaid is the way for many.

Another thing I will mention is if you have a personality disorder mother, chances are that you have had a difficult and possibly abusive childhood. That factors in the picture as well. You need to look after you and protect yourself as necessary. You sound in pretty good shape, but these BPDs can get very difficult.

I wish you all the best with this Herculean task you are taking on. You are a lot younger that I am and that certainly will help. Good luck

Veronica, thanks. My dad has always been physically violent, abusive, heavy-handed, etc... Even with the later years before my mom died last year and before he had his stroke 3 years ago, he has hit me several times in the head. Last time was on the side of my face where my eye glass almost flew off. After that one, the next time he got angry, he was going to strangle me. He came at me with so much anger, hands stretched out and fingers stretched as if to choke me. Even bedridden, he has punched me several times - those times, he was trying to aim for my face and only got my upper arm. Bedridden and still the same - trying to hit me in my face. That's why I was giving my SIL the heads up that I may not be able to continue with this.

I will see what I can do about cutting back on buying for him his chocolate almond milk and grape fiber drink. That's the only things that I can think of that is making him gain weight.

No, I know that there's really not much the urologist can do. I've seen articles on how surgery is not recommended for men of my dad's age. I know, deep inside. But I like to do process of elimination. Knowing that I was able to cross out options - like we saw the urologist and dad said No. This way, I can look at myself and still feel good that I did my best. Thanks for all the advice. Much appreciate it.

It's 9pm. Time to change pamper and maybe I will try to sleep early tonight. Most likely I will end up spending an hour ironing/handing my work clothes.

Book you should feel satisfied that you have done all that is possible-you have. Would telling him that you are no longer able to take care of him because of his behavior have any impact on his behavior-you do not deserve to be treated the way he treats you-when I realized that with the husband it gave me power to not let him hurt me any more with his nasty words-telling him YOU will not be there for him might get him to think of what he will lose.

Austin, it's not so bad. I'm used to it...except being hit in the head or going to be choked. Truly, this is not as bad as when I was growing up. Anyway, when he tried to hit me, he cannot reach my face, yet.

Oh,by the way, I told him to straighten his arm, and he gave me this weird look, looked at his straight arm, then back at me. I then mumbled, "bend your arm." And yes, he still tried to straighten his arm more.

Sunnydreams they are lucky to have you but keep yourself strong so you can continue to protect them

Sharynmarie,

Just wanted to send you a hello, and know that we understand.
Take care of yourself, and you and your's are in my thoughts!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Glomorth,

Welcome to the thread. This has got to be more than an awful situation going on in your family. Emjo had given you some very sound advice.
So what I'm going to add to it.....is possibly you may want to ask yourself why you are putting up with this live-in situation by your son. You have your mom, your grandkid, and yourself, also the baby's mom. The first three mentioned are in a pretty vulnerable situation, if you're talking about they fighting the way they do, because we all know too well this invariably can easily escalate into something more violent. Honestly, I'm sure you have plenty of responsibility just taking care of your mother. Your son's a grown man with problems, and he needs to seek some professional help. But given the current situation, this isn't going to happen unless you take the first step. Truth be told.....he and the gf need to get out of your house. Sorry if this sounds strong, but this doesn't sound good at all.
Now you may be thinking....."yeah, but what about my grandkid." By seeking professional support, you are thinking of that grandkid.

Be strong,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Jesus, Book. Just… nothing. I mean to say. Don't know how you're still standing. Big squeezy hug.

Thanks Veronica, I can forget myself too quickly with them but you are right I must take care too.

Thanks Emjo also, it's great you brought up the evaluation issue. My mother is right on the cusp and the evaluators always say she can stay at home with help. I did find someone to help her with housekeeping and my mother lies to the evaluators about how much the in-town relative is really doing. I find out usually way after the fact. So she goes back home. She's had two hospitalizations in the last two years which arguably could have put in an NH but didn't. And definitely no official diagnoses of mental problems like your mother has. My mother's still too crafty to wear the crazy on the outside with strangers.

Book OMG, that sounds like a dangerous situation for you! I wonder how they handle violent patients at an NH? I'm guessing drugs? I wonder if you could get some of those drugs for your father. Please be safe, no filial duty is worth this.

Truly, it's not so bad since he had his stroke and became bedridden. The times his punch landed - it couldn't reach my face even though he aimed for it. And when it landed on my upper arm, it didn't hurt. What I'm really really worried about is IF he becomes like mom and becomes very violent. That is what I worried about.

Sunny, my religious leader knows my home situation. Not once, did he ever tell me to stop "honoring your father/mother." So, I am obligated to do my filial duty ..

FYI, Glad, Sharyn, Sunnydreams, etc.... I guess if you make your profile completely Private, we can no longer send you HUGS. I was going to send one to several people today, and 2 out of 3 had Privacy on and I cannot send HUGS.

I will ask AC if this is the NEW Norm for this Updated site.

sunny - yes, look after yourself and if it gets too much, there are professionals who can take over the job. I cannot imagine looking after 2 people with personality disorders - too much! This may be a bit discouraging, but mother was 95 before she was evaluated with the personality disorder. I read somewhere else n this site to also consult the Mental Health people - not sure what agency or organization, but a very good idea when dealing with mental illness obviously. What it took for mother was that the senior nanny that we had hired and who lived with her 24/7 for about 9 months, finally broke down one day when she took mother to hospital for something. The hospital staff listened to her and then examined mother and diagnosed her. Mother was 95. Honestly, and unfortunately, I am not so sure that if it had been a family member instead of the nanny, it would have happened the same way. It is my feeling that it could have been brushed off as a family conflict, so to speak. So if you can get someone else to testify to the professionals about your mum and aunts behaviour I think it would help. If you can document it would also help -and I mean document a pattern of behaviours/episodes/characteristics over the years. When I saw mother's psychiatrist last week she asked about mothers history. I told her about the daily rages over the years, the getting upset about things that no one else would, the "meanness", being demanding, critical etc., Anything like that would help them make a diagnosis. Thinking about it, I could possibly have pushed for a diagnosis sooner, but I am not sure how. You tend to get overwhelmed just dealing with it. I know they can be very charming when they want to be. When she is hospitalized could you talk to the staff of the hospital about the suspected personality disorder?

book - the bible also days not to provoke your children. It is not one sided about honouring your parents. You can still send a hug I think. When you send a hug to some one and it asks you if you want to send another one - type in the name of the person you want to send a hug to proceed as before. I think it works. :)

Lots of phone calls here, 6 so far this morning which I let go to voice mail. I haven't even had finished my coffee yet!!! If I could accomplish anything through the phone calls it would be easier to answer them. They are mostly based on her delusions, or something like the beef was rare - not that she can't minds eating rare beef once in a while, but not all the time! Such a crisis!!!

I am going through a form of grieving, as once mother is on meds permanently, she will (hopefully) be different and better, but she will be different. Optimistically, it will be her better self, but it will be a change. I may be feeling a bit of unwarranted guilt too. Oh well, we go on. I have send the PD to the psychiatrist. I suppose that means, officially, I agree with their plan, which I do. I have informed mother's lawyer abut the plan, as mother may want to use her services to fight the CTO after she is released, I have, as is appropriate, let family know what is coming. Guess it is a waiting game now. The only practical thing that remains is taxes etc.

I have to confess that on another thread I "went for" someone who criticised those who can't do at home caregiving. I don't do that very often, but please walk a mile in someone's moccasins before you judge them!

Think it is time for a hair cut, a lunch out, some window shopping, maybe I will chance a massage, but first I better get this house in more order and make some split pea soup. It looks like a minor whirlwind went through it.

Love and (((((((hugs))))) to all - and do something good for you today!

I saw that, Emjo - thought it was fair enough, actually. You hand down judgement, you can expect to get it right back at you, I feel.

The other reason I felt your correction - I think I'd call it, rather than a "going for" - was justified is that the critic wasn't the poster. If someone has come to the forum seeking help and support, but one has to say that frankly the person seems not to deserve any, I still wouldn't attack him or her on the grounds of "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." But if someone has come here (ditto) and someone ELSE sees fit to dish out criticism instead.. then the someone else is fair game. Good on you.

The sadness is you were probably wasting your breath. That's the other reason for deciding against taking up cudgels - it's just not worth the bother.

Hope this phase proves to be, after all, the calm before greater calm and not the calm before the storm. Other than maybe a few squalls, perhaps, which I suppose are inevitable. The waiting must be getting on your nerves - hope the time off helped. Big hug.

thx cm. Correction is a good word. I think that poster may be more careful about dishing out more criticism. I know myself, having had so much of it in my life, for doing the best I could in the situation, I don't need any more. The OP was in a very difficult position and needed support, not criticism against one if his potential options. Words like that tend to stick in one's mind and provoke guilt.
Checked out the voice mail and better to not have answered most if it. I am being blamed for things I didn't know had happened and have nothing to do with me - like I arranged for her breakfast to be brought to her late!!! "Is this how you treat your mother???" And as usual - I am saying "Huh?" She did ask me to have her bank statements not sent to her but to me so I will arrange that, but followed up with that she hoped I would allow her to have enough money for her drugs and taxis to take her to church. I have never limited her money and never would unless I see something VERY unusual and irresponsible happening.
The big storm may come once she is hospitalized - probably against her will - and released or otherwise able to communicate with sis. Mother will be medicated by then, which should temper her reactions, but sis will use anything she can to get at me. I will have to build an imaginary brick wall between us, and decorate it with, mmm, let me see, something that is pretty, but toxic. Maybe just plain old poison ivy vine with a row of Belladona, or Deadly Nightshade and a few Brugmansia or Angels Trumpet shrubs. That should keep anyone away.

"Is this how you treat your mother…" Love it. I hope you made sure the bath water was at the right temperature, having fallen down so badly on breakfast ;)

Reminds me of the computer sessions - one thing I don't miss, except in a wistful way - with my dad, when he used to ring me up and say "the damn fool thing's lost my letter - what's it done with it?" Ummm...

I just read that thread. The problem is that he's off making money while his wife is doing the full-time caregiving. She does all the grunt work and I think most likely still need to do the laundry, cleaning and cooking. So of course, he does not see the necessity of doing anything different.

I really like that suggestion that the men take their vacation from work and do the exact thing the wives are doing....and the wives have a REAL vacation. This will also help the men see what their wives go through and hopefully appreciate them better.

Nothing bad that you said Emjo. But he really should not use the Asians as an example. I live in Asia. One country has a one child law. Due to their culture, males are preferred. Therefore, if a wife gets pregnant with another child, must have abortion. If the first child is a girl, they either put her in an orphanage or secretly dump her where no one would find her...and then hope the next baby is a boy. In the Asian countries, it is viewed as a shame if you have a family who has mental illness...or a parent who has dementia. If you research it, there are absolutely no support from their government or a local individual group. I understand that the worldwide health care is putting pressure to the Asian countries to be more proactive in this.

Not talking about Japan.

Thanks cm and book.

cm - more blaming thus morning. No one came to help her with her shower. If she fell and hurt herself it is my fault. Amazing what power I have to make things happen 225 miles away without even talking to anyone. I am thinking of muting the ringers on my phone for the next couple of weeks. People can leave voice mails. Family can text me if necessary.

book - I think it was an Asian lady not the man who posted about the cultural differences. What happens to the baby girls in China is awful. Now they have a generation of young males who cannot find wives. I read a study that suggested their birth rate would have fallen to 1.5 per couple anyway, as other countries have experienced serious declines in birth rate. Their view of dementia and mental illness is very interesting. Massive denial!

Not as well as I have been. My anxiety levels have increased, causing more gastrointestinal issues and my emotions have always been affected by stress. I need to find some balance in my life also and finding that I am spending too much time at home with my elderly parents either as caregiver or for emotional support, placing my own life on hold. I wonder if there is any advice about what I can do to feel more at ease about my parents medical and health and aging issues now that they turned 90, my father approaching his 91st year and still driving by the way that also gives me worries and he can disappear at times for hours and doing simple things like shopping for food. I don't think that he will be able to drive much longer but I cannot tell him to stop and feeling like i am not getting any help or support from my sibling who lives far away and seems to not be able to help in making the necessary decisions. I am alone in what I am dealing with these days and really feeling like I have a mild form of depression and/or feeling more anxious, having difficulty sleeping, etc. I know that I am eventually going to have to start taking better care of myself in order to be able to be there for my elderly parents. I feel like I may need to either join a group or go back into therapy; but who has time between work and family responsibilities?

Sooner rather than later, Jazzy, I think, for the taking a bit of time each day to look after yourself. If you've got to the tense gut and sleep disturbance stage that's far enough. I hate to be simplistic but for the immediate future (i.e. today, or tomorrow if it's got too late) plug "Liberty Bell" or "Galop Infernal" into your ears and march briskly round the block to them - it'll get you out of breath, boost your circulation and you can't help giggling. Ten minutes, it's worth finding them. xxx

Cue: lots of lectures on making your father stop driving…!

Hi Book, I didn't know that about the hugs, I'll experiment with my profile settings. Thanks for the intention though! It sounds like you are strongly guided about your filial duty based on what your religious leader says. I know faith is a very important thing, sometimes the only thing that can get us through hard times. I think it's okay to get a second opinion sometimes - if you are Catholic and a priest is your leader, maybe talk to a different priest to get a different take. I really have enjoyed Townsend and Cloud's Boundaries book and they address what our responsibilities are from a Christian perspective. I still hope you stay safe. It's kind of shocking to me that a bed ridden person would try to beat up anybody - that takes a bit of nerve!

Sunnydreams.
Just because some one is bedridden does not stop them if they want to do you harm. Walkers, canes, hot drinks, meal trays anything can become a weapon and beware the urinal.

Need to vent. Tonight my mother threatened to call the police if my brother drives her car.

Are there any caregivers that have dealt with a parent that insists they can drive and threaten to call the police?

My 78-year-old mother has Dementia (1 1/2 years now), and also has a Narcissistic personality (pre-Dementia). She is combative and very difficult. She can cook and bathe herself. She forgets her medications or refuses to take them. I am her full-time caregiver and live with her. My brother is also her caregiver and is increasingly spending more time at her home to relieve me.
All of her doctors informed her that she couldn’t drive for medical reasons. She refuses to accept or acknowledge this and has switched doctors several times after each doctor tells her she cannot drive.
Her drivers’ license expired over a year and a half ago when she was hospitalized and first diagnosed with Dementia.
My brother has taken the keys from her and has taken over her car as a result of her Dr's orders and to prevent her from driving. She is a danger to herself and others behind the wheel of a car.
We are finding it increasingly difficult to deal with her wanting to drive and her threatening to call the police to report her car stole if my brother drives.
We do not have POA. She is tough as nails and refuses any outside help from caregivers and does not understand why my brother and I are caring for her.
She is currently taking Aricept and Lexapro for her Dementia. We give her Seroquel at night when she get's combative. We have tried to give her medication that a neurologist prescribed to help with combativeness during the day, but she flushed it down the toilet. She also takes two blood pressure medications and a cholesterol medication.

Book,
I really needed that hug today! I think you can still send them by clicking give a hug beneath my cool free flying eagle on a comment. I think most understand the reason I keep my profile private.

Book, I think you are right. I do not like some of the changes on AC. It is much harder to find what I want.

Hi everyone!

Just a quick drive by, I have to detach from things going on with all cancer. I get too caught up in it and it affects me emotionally. I am feeling better. Trying to focus on my positive things like being a grandma. My daughter's due date is 9/19/14 which places her around 7 weeks. Friday she will have an ultrasound to determine viability by seeing the heartbeat but not hearing it yet.
Tomorrow sis will sign the contract with estate liquidators so things are moving forward. Mom is doing great physically.
Have a good night!

Veronica, eeek the urinal! Hadn't even thought of that.

Book, I tried temporarily making everything on my profile public access but that didn't put the "give a hug" back in my comments. Not sure how to fix that. Anyway HUGS to you and everyone!