notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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- How do I deal with an emotionally needy mother who wants all of my time and attention?
- I get so angry with my 88-year-old mom sometimes and find myself getting resentful to her and not treating her very good. How can I deal?
- How do I deal with being "cut" from the family?
- My sole mate is sole care taker of both parents. Where do I find help dealing with this?
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If you want people to comment or send you HUGS, then you need to go to your profile and change the Message board to Public. However, by doing this, EVERYONE will be able to read ALL the HUGS/Comments given to you. If you prefer the old system where people can still send you HUGS and yet keep it private and you also being able to read it, then you need to send an email to the AC (agingcare) admin to "tweak" the new system.
Sunny, when you change your profile to public or private, you won't really be able to tell. When I wanted my profile private, I had asked another poster to check if I did it right. After some back and forth, I finally got it right. Therefore, you can check someone here - on your time zone - and ask for their assistance by checking your profile.
Glad - I know what you mean. It's so frustrating now to "follow" someone's postings. Especially due to the time zone, you all are almost late night/midnight, and it's my opposite. Just as right now is about your early morning, it's my late evening. It makes it harder for me to keep up with the latest updates from posters. But I also like it because it gives me a little bit more privacy.
Suggestions, anyone?
I have read this topic about how to deal with a parent who should not be driving. So, I did a search on the top right “drivers license” and got several hits. Maybe you want to try that and choose the ones that applies to you. I liked this one (but I did not read the rest):
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/parents-give-up-drivers-license-151810.htm
From what I read in the past, the quickest and best way is to have DMV revoke his license. The quickest way is thru his doctor. There’s a form that the doctor must fill out and forward it directly to DMV. BUT, I also read that most doctors would drag their feet (just as they drag their feet about declaring someone as having dementia.)
Sharyn, {{{{HUGS}}}} yes, I do that all the time. Don’t think about cancer at all.
jazz - sounds like you are overloaded/getting burnt out. Venting here and finding you are not alone helps. It is easier to get online than go out to a group though that would probably help you. No support from the sib seems common to people who post here. I read on another post you wrote that you have very heavy job responsibilities as well. Tough combination. Can you bring in some help for your mum and dad to lighten your load. Don't let the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) envelope you. It can happen pretty easily. You need time with your friends, even a weekend break etc. Older people tend to become self centered - their worlds get smaller. I know that for myself. Don't get sucked into it. You are doing a lot for them, and you need to do things for you too with no guilt! BTW Have you checked with your dad's doctor your concerns over his driving? Often the dr has to be the bad guy.
sunny - Townsend and Cloud's "Boundaries" is great and, yes, watch those urinals!!!
new2 - venting helps and that one thing we are here for. Lots here have dealt with a parent who insists they can drive and the adult children think differently. Have you informed the DMV and/or the police about the expired licence? Some have done that and been able to keep anonymity. Lots of what you wrote is like my mother who had borderline personality disorder, is narcissistic and now has increasing paranoia. Your mum is 78 - Oh my, I am 76!!! My mother is 101 and also very difficult. Can you or your brother call the police yourselves and explain the situation. Mother has threatened to call the police from her ALF about things she thinks are stolen and no one discourages her. The police get the picture pretty quickly. Mother would not do a POA till she was in her 90s and then it was a struggle. She also flushed the antipsychotic meds given her for the paranoia down the toilet saying it would cause her to become demented! Any port in a storm, I guess. Dementia with a personality disorder is a very difficult combination. Be sure you are looking after yourself. Mother placed herself in an ALF. She is still physically pretty well. Your mum may need to be in a facility at some point if she gets too combative or difficult in other ways. I don't know if you have or would consider that. My heart goes out to you. Many parents with personality disorders were abusive to their families, and that makes care giving all the more difficult. One psychologist says be humane to your parent but do yourself no further harm. That is good advice.
Glad - there is no "give a hug" under your picture any more when you post. There is for the people who have not made their profiles private. Sent you a hug anyway. Hope you got it!
Sharyn - nice to see you back. I can understand about the cancer getting overwhelming, Good for you to focus on the positives. Hope the ultrasound goes well. Awesome that the estate sale is moving forward. You say your mum is doing well physically - but you didn't mention mentally. Wondering if there is some decline there.
book - once more - you can send a hug to private people. Just click on send a hug under anyone's avatar who shows it and when the "hug" page comes up , erase their name and write the name of the person you want to give a hug to. I just sent one to sharyn and to glad. You guys let us know if you got the hug from me so book knows that it works. :) Haven't tried the camera on my Samsung tablet, though I am pleased with it in general. How do you know what you are photographing - or do you just take a chance and point in the right direction?
Here's a laugh: a young man from across the world trying to make points with me on face book. It has happened once or twice before. I told him I was old enough to be his grandmother. When he wrote "I am a little naughty", I closed the conversation. I needed a distraction - just didn't expect that, lol
Have a good day everyone, and do something good for you. (((((((hugs))))))))
.
It has come to to point where i say only what i have to too her and get out of her room as fast as i can,she is wearing me down and i stay depressed wondering what can i do ...she is not happy about nothing and I feel like I hate her and i hate feeling that way cause i am a born again Christian and I love Jesus...seems she can push my buttons and i lose it with her ..she is 88 and mean ..i want to put her in a nursing home but i don't know where to start .
Margeaux
I will tell you this, be very careful. Always lock your bedroom door – day and night. Hide all the knives where she can’t have access to it. Anything can become a weapon. And most of all – never ever let her corner you without an exit. Before entering a room, try to figure out where she’s is. When you enter, note where she is, and what is your nearest exit. Be pro-active in your wellbeing. The key is don’t get cornered.
I think it’s time to make an appointment with her doctor for consultation. You will just do all the talking by updating him on what’s happening. Due to the HIPAA law, he cannot discuss your mom with you. It sounds like she needs a stronger or another meds.
The first place to start is to use the phone and start calling around on what kinds of programs are there for the elderly. There should be a local program. Call around and ask for referrals to other places that the person can think of. Or Google something like “program for senior citizen in XXXXX” … Another option is on the right side of this site is a box: FIND HOUSING AND CARE. Why not try that, too?
Glad – don’t open your profile if you really need to keep it private. Emjo showed me how to send HUGS to those of you who have it in Private.
Iwentanon – only those who kept their profiles PRIVATE will have this problem. The privacy keeps their message private – from us and from them. I experimented. When my profile is completely Private, I have to make my message board Public so that I can read it, then go back and change it back to Private.
First and foremost you need to take care of and protect yourself. The next time mom behaves in this way I would call the authorities to have a psychiatric evaluation done. She must not be allowed to remain in a situation where she is a danger to herself or others.
There is a process for involuntary commitment that would eliminate some of the hoop jumping you are required to do. Actually, I have a cousin that has just been involuntarily committed to a psych hospital for six months. He has been diagnosed as bipolar/schizophrenia and will be there for a minimum of six months. He has been there for two already, just found out about this yesterday, and is still failing to see that there is something wrong in his brain.
call the police and EMTs if she is threatening and let the medics take care of it from there. Others will advise you on the process of NH placement but job one is to protect yourself. she needs professional care. Pray a lot but God will understand if you keep your eyes open.
Welcome to the thread. When we are stressed on account of caregiving for family, and especially as in your case you're dealing with a stubborn elder situation, it can affect our health. You notice too, how it coincides with our worrying over they who many times don't want to listen. I too was worrying as well as my sister very recently about our brother who has a lot of dysfunction in his own family, compounded by the fact that his wife no longer is in the household. So he lacks emotional support and had a gallbladder removal very recently. So we, the two older sisters were the ones who went to the rescue while he was in the hospital.
A week later....my stomach started to give me problems also, and I was waking up in the middle of the night, etc. When I started to analyze some of it, it came down to my brother's lack of knowledge about his own situations, then we feeling as if we have to become his mommy. I had to take my energy back in for myself, I finally figured out....take care of myself. So, I just started to really watch what I was eating, and resume my walking so that I would get quality sleep during the night. If we don't take these measures, then we are the ones who end up feeling it.
So do whatever it is you feel you need to do, whether that be using a pro-biotic,
doing some kind of exercise or meditating. It really does help. There will always be something I'm sure we need to worry about, in our relationships with family. But it should not become to the point where we then become useless to ourselves.
We talk about detachment here, and maybe you could find some ways of doing this.
About your father driving......could you get DMV involved as has been suggested?
I know I don't have to tell you how dangerous this could be. Our mom also, probably when she already had ALZ, (just not formally diagnosed), would get lost doing errands around her neighborhood. At that time, she was caregiver for her elder sister. It was difficult for my sister to have to just come out and tell her she could no longer drive, especially after she started to take medications. But it had to be done. I think what people who think this way also don't realize is they could also injure themselves, and end up slapped with a lawsuit. Better prevention, than some calamity.
O.K., try to take care of you. It's all right to be concerned, but try not to obsess about any of this.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Welcome to the thread. After reading about your situation, it brought back memories of our mom, and her older sister. They'd been living together for quite some time. As both of their health began to decline, mom w/ALZ, then the sister, w/heart and other related ailments.....it became very difficult. Mom had been caregiving for her sister, for about 5 yrs. But then, it just got too much for an 85 yr. old on the brink of being diagnosed w/ALZ. She'd been showing signs though already. I'll never forget the day I had lunch w/my sister and she was telling me that she was going to move in w/them. She was bringing her two grown daughters, and one of their boyfriends w/her too. Mom's home is a 4 bedroom home. She was going to administer, and do some caregiving around her full time job. That day, she tried to enlist me, to come several times a week to caregive for them. Our aunt was very narcissistic, I'd had several very difficult situations with her. So much so, that I'd left mother's home some years before this, because of my aunt. Anyway, there was no way I was going to do this, not for our aunt.
Besides, I live too far. My sister of course as part of the move-in doesn't pay rent, which is fine with me. However, I don't have this kind of set up, hence I realistically couldn't see how I could give this kind of time caregiving.
Anyway, I'll never forget the look on my sister's face, for just telling her that although I could come and relieve her every now and again, I couldn't commit to some kind of ongoing schedule to do something like this. My sister has been doing this now for about 5 yrs. It hasn't been easy, and she did hire caregivers, while she's working. But as my aunt's health became worse, so did her attitude.
She really gave my sister, and the CG's a difficult time. Then there was still mom,
and her ALZ to contend with. In hindsight, I am not sorry that I was honest about the fact that I couldn't give this kind of time to the care of mother and her sister.
The other factor in this whole picture is the fact that we have two brothers. But do you think that my sister ever asked THEM over lunch to sign up to do the caregiving. NO WAY! I'm the eldest of the siblings, and I must tell you that I did enough caring for my parent's kids during my childhood. So definitely, this has also influenced the way I also think about it.
You live far from them. So I really encourage you to start looking to see what your options may be, and honestly......if you can seek out resources through Social Services, try that. I think that one needs to think a bit before either moving in with them, etc. After our aunt died, my sister has admitted had she known what she was getting herself into, she doesn't know whether she'd of moved in. Of course......she also is very adamant about the fact that she wouldn't want mother in a NH. The aunt died two years ago, so now it's just mom. So the demands have changed dramatically. But I know even now, my sister does feel the burnout, then she goes into guilty mode too.
In any case, start looking into this, and think long and hard before you commit to any of this.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Welcome to the thread.
Your situation is very serious. If your mom showed tendencies of violence in the past given what you wrote about your father, you really need to look at this in another way. I'm getting the impression at times from some people who witness this kind of aggression in their families, is that they become used to/numb and the like to the abuser's behavior. Then, it becomes about dodging this behavior and hoping that you or someone else in the household doesn't get hurt.
I think that you should definitely report this behavior, and allow for the psychiatric evaluations to evolve. There were some instances in which I wish my sister had done this with our aunt, because she too was doing things towards the end of her life that were jeopardizing other's safety and well being in our mom's home, (where she was living). Needless to say, this is no way for anyone to be living,
and then on top of that caring for them.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Yes, I was stunned on the one hand, but then my sister is the micro-manager, controller. Also, I did think about the fact that she was moving into mom's w/one daughter (19 yrs. old), the eldest (25 yrs.) in tow w/her beau, at the time. Why wasn't she also asking them to have some input into this so called schedule.
The younger one, who is now 24 still lives there. The other one moved out is married to the beau, w/two kids. But they never paid rent there, and stayed on for several years. The older daughter, did help out relieving. Younger one, wasn't as accomodating, until a year or so ago. Interesting how in families they'll always try to enlist the people who've had the most responsibility in the family, too. A big lesson I've learned in my family of origin is I'm very careful what I'm available for, and to whom. I do care, and do help when necessary, but I don't feel beholden, anymore. It took me a very long time to get to this point, too.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Wow!!!! How exciting! I'm so happy for you and your family.
Good, good news!
Take care, and let us know more as you find out,
Hugs, Much Love & Light! Margeaux
OMG! I think I would panic if I was mom. But, how wonderful!