The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

When I have a bad day caring for my MIL, I sing in the car on the way home. It's usually an old Simon & Garfunkel tune: "Slip out the back Jack, Make a new plan Stan, Don't need to be coy Roy, Just listen to me. Hop on the bus Gus, Don't need to discuss much, there must be 50 ways to leave your Mother"

Sorry that I don't answer your questions and comments. I have so much going on here. Dealing with my sister, the POA, is like negotiating with Hitler. There is no compromise except on my part.

PS - You'd like the "Goodness Gracious Me" team's Indian version - the line that sticks in my head is "Fail an exam, Ram..."

PS~I love it!!! 50 ways to leave your mother, LOL!!

Thank you Glad and Margeaux, everyone!! We are still walking on clouds, just so unbelievable since it does not run on either side of the families. It is looking like fraternal twins but the dr says it is to early to be sure even though they each have their own sac.

Mom's 85 birthday is on next Thursday...not sure what we will do yet. My mom bounces back and forth with her memory, sometimes my sister is mom's sister yet when my sis is present, mom recognizes her for who she is. It is more like out of sight out of mind type thing.

Have a good night all!

Dryfuss I am so sorry you have to be a caregiver once again-please stay connected with us so we can help.

Countrymouse,

I love that one, "I wish I could, but I don't want to."
I'll have to remember that one.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Pstegman,

I have to say that I absolutely love your sense of humor!
Great songs too!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

I wish I had the b--- to say I wish I could but don't want to-have to keep that is mind for rude old ladies and dirty old men at the senior center -maybe to the director she needs to be brought down a peg or two

I was thinking, maybe this is why this line....."I wish I could, but don't want to," is a line in a comedy. You know how in comedy it is a well known fact that people either say something that everyone else would love to say, but we're chicken to say it. Anyway, I've been over here thinking about the times I could say this to my husband, but that would invariably invite some trouble. OOoopps! Did I say that, shut my mouth! HAAH1

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

WOW! It was a windy last two days! I went out to a local cent store, to buy me some dust masks. I use these when I sweep the apartment, and I sure needed them. After that it was so lovely, so I extended my walk on the beach, and it was so beautiful, the sand was blowing and made a smoke effect. Good thing I had my sunglasses, otherwise my eyes would have suffered. Caught a lovely sunset.
I feel good!

Hope all of you are having a great day!
Much Love & Light, and calm to all,
Margeaux

How do you deal with the complete ingratitude and erasure that a narcissistic aging parent dishes out? Sometimes I feel like I'm doing okay, keeping on top of how she's doing and coordinating with my team that I've set up of various people keeping track of her needs. I'm long-distance but very involved in communication on her behalf and I've correctly anticipated medical problems she needed help with and got her doctors to act. I feel like I'm always thinking, planning and anticipating for her. And yet for me....she barely acts like I'm worth more than the dirt on her shoe. I'm definitely worth less to her than the beloved housekeeper I found for her. Her refusal to acknowledge the value of ANYTHING I do or me as a daughter is making me crazy. She's got early stage dementia but she's still very with it a lot of the time - enough to where I feel like I've got a right to feel hurt by this.

Still what can I do with it? Nothing. She's got dementia, she's aging, and I'm supposed to let it all go now and just turn into Mother Theresa? I don't know how to do this. I realize there may be many more years of this and I have plans to move her to live closer to me so I can manage things better. But tonight, tonight I just want to walk away.

Sunny your thoughts have merit -elders tend to think they are entitled to act as they do-my mom was sharp as a pin but boy could she be rude to family and so sweet to others-I had to tell myself her words did not hurt me and she did not have power over me-you are working so hard to make her life better and she will never thank you for that-it is the way their mind works-do not bring her to live with you that would be a big mistake-she will never value what you do for her.

Steam fume seethe…. Mother's sitting there with a beatific smile on her little old face - yes, oldest brother has finally got round to picking up the phone, first time this year. Only it wasn't him, actually, it was BP SIL with the low-down on her retirement party including full guest list (a dozen people mother's never met, is never likely to and wouldn't know if they ran up and bit her) and details of every present she was given (thinks: "given to go away ho ho ho…" - meow); then brother chipped in his two penn'orth at the end.

After lengthy internal debate as to whether my motives were reasonable or mischievous, decided I would ring them back afterwards to ask the two questions mother's been asking me for over a fortnight and which I would quite like settled, viz. 1. when are they going on holiday? 2. did brother get his new camera (60th birthday present from mother - his birthday was two weeks ago)?

1. On the fifteenth, to Portugal, for a week (apparently Portugal is a doddle to get to. We, on the other hand, at 120 miles from them, are much too far away); 2. Yes (well don't thank her or anything, then, will you).

Mother's SO pleased they rang! Gnash growl seethe...

Sunnydreams,

You're in a very tough situation. The only thing I can offer is the fact, that if you say your mom is still very with it, so this gives you the go ahead about being hurt I can only imagine that the ingratitude has been going on for a long time. Try to read up about the dementia, and about narcissism. This helps many on this thread to at least understand the behaviors. Now about trying to get over the hurt, if you're going to try to keep you own sanity about any of this, you may want to lower your expectations about it too thereby hopefully there's acknowledgment, but then you don't get hurt by it as much. It's almost as if one has to separate, well yes my mom has had horrible behavior, but now added to that......she really is suffering from the mental condition and this doesn't address current day living situations, for which she needs help. Again, I'm not trying to minimize the hurt you feel, nor invalidate any of it either. It's real, it's there and you're entitled to feel this way. We just have choices as to how far maybe we'd want to go into that mode, especially given the fact you are choosing to watch out for her too.

On the end of you making it happen to move her close, again you're concerned for an elder. But I certainly hope that based on your post you would not consider moving her in with you. You sound responsible enough and you are aware of the reality, so that's a good thing.

You're in my thoughts,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

"… sharper than a serpent's tooth, to have a thankless child…" We can assume that Shakespeare didn't know what it was like to have a thankless parent, or I'm sure he'd have come up with an equally vivid analogy for that.

Sunny, you care for her mother not because of her attitude to you, but in spite of it. Of course it is much, much easier to detach yourself from ingratitude - even look on it with amusement ("wonder how many ways she'll find not to thank me this time?") - when there isn't already a long history of hurt feelings and unmerited rejection. In the normal way of things, a daughter can reasonably expect a fair measure, at least, of love, approval and appreciation from her mother. When that has never happened, it's never going to change - but it is still always going to hurt.

What you're dealing with there is a continuation, not a change. But what you have to deal with on top is whatever level of duty you feel as a decent human being to ensure that your mother's needs for care are met: that has changed, and will continue to increase as her dependence on you grows. Not fair, really; but many people are determined to carry on regardless.

Othes can advise you better than I can. If there's one thing that's consistently demonstrated by this forum, it's that nothing beats advice and support from people who have already experienced what you're going through; and, whatever her faults, my mother is not a narcissist (I don't know if there is a polar opposite, exactly, but if there is she's it). But this is what I wish my SIL would do, broadly speaking, about the things she can control:

1. Be rational about your expectations. Base them on your experience. To expect a different outcome from any repeated, identical process is one definition of madness.
2. Decide for yourself what you owe your mother, based on what you believe she needs from you and NOT on what she demands.
3. Respect yourself for all you do for her. Thank yourself on her behalf.
4. Reflect carefully on decisions to ensure that they really are in her best interests. Generally the temptation will be to give way to demands against your better judgment, in exchange for a quieter life, to avoid accusations or conflict. BUT you must also beware the potential for spite or self-gratification to creep in to your thinking in the guise of 'what's best for mother.' For example: when I itch to sling out my mother's beanie babies (ugh!) is it really because the dust they gather is bad for her and she'll never notice? - or is it actually because I can't be bothered to give them a shake/because they turn my stomach and I've always hated them/because her OCD-related spending patterns impacted hugely on all our lives? My mother was a useless wife and a hopeless mother: I have to be very careful I'm not after subconscious revenge.
5. When you want to walk away, check you can do so safely and then… walk away. Leave the room. Switch off the phone. Put away the paperwork. Do something instead that you actually want to do. You can always come back later, when it suits you.

It is never not going to matter to you that your mother is so unkind to you. Let's call a spade a spade. She is being unkind. It is her fault. Nothing can ever quite compensate for that on its own. But when you add up all of the other things in life - the people who do appreciate and show their love for you, your achievements (including living up to your responsibilities for your mother), your joys, pleasures, all of the other relationships you will experience - they can do a lot to make up for it, if you let them. And they'll contribute much more to your peace of mind. Give them your attention, too. x

Thank you all 195Austin, Margeaux, and Countrymouse! It's so wonderful to be understood about this crazy mess. No worries I have no plans to live with her - I understand that would equal a complete nervous breakdown for me. Still my involvement is enough that she's affecting my mind and moods most every day. Margeaux, you are right the ingratitude and entitlement has been going on all my life and now that her legitimate needs really are greater it has been tearing me in half. I feel like I can't bear to give more, but like I'd be an awful person not too. Countrymouse, I lol'd imagining you menacingly contemplating the beanie babies - they better watch out! Still I agree that I'll need to be aware of conflicting motives in myself. 195Austin, I think it's the rude to family sweet to others that gets to me too - I know she's capable of showing gratitude and being considerate, just not to me.

Tough love at work here. I had had enough a couple weeks ago. I stopped waiting on my Mom (91) hand and foot. Started a new job and wanted it to be on the right foot and my terms. For once. It's working and I am getting stronger not weaker. Made her dinner tonight and she said it was great and thank you!!! Thank you to all in this board. You make a difference in my life.

DaughterinNY - RESPECT!!! Well done you!

Sunny - the beanie babies are safe (for now…). Still humping each other on the shelf over her bed - mother calls it 'cuddling' and I haven't the heart to explain - my daughters have smothered hysterics about it. Ha ha ha.

Sunny the last days of the husband's life he recognized everyone else but me would open his eyes and try to talk to them-me he froze me out -would not squeeze my hand or open his eyes or anything-the one person who did everything for him and put up with all his shit and abuse for 46 plus years but in the end I won I have a great guy in my life now-actually we were in HS together -our 55th reunion is coming up this summer and he was married to a narcistic spouse also.

Sunnydreams~Having a narcissistic parent is challenging enough. When you add in dementia...well it just becomes worse since their normal personality traits can become magnified with the paranoia and delusions of dementia. First you need to learn to detach with love. You can learn about this by googling it. It does not mean you don't care or have no feelings. What it does mean is that you learn this person has a history of using emotional abuse to control your feelings. Once you learn to stop letting that happen, you can detach, not feel the pain as harshly or the impact of her words. She will use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt (FOG). The fear is the threats of disowning you, cutting you out of her life and you will not get the relationship with her that you desire. The obligation is you are my daughter, you should be doing this for me like everyone else's children do for their parents...so and so's daughter does...blah blah blah! The guilt.....I did this for you, I sacrificed that for you, this is how you repay me!!! Once you recognize the cycle that brings out the FOG, you will see that your mother will be fine without your intervention for every single crisis she has going on. Next....do not do things for your mother with the intention that she will appreciate it. She will never appreciate because she believes she is entitled to it. Only take care of her physical needs....not her wants. Is it necessary that you send half a day running around looking for certain colored pillows or a pot for a plant? NO it is not. Does she need to have her toenails trimmed and a haircut...yes. Learn the difference between needs and wants and stick to it. Believe me...she will put up a big fight about it, but she will get over it in a few weeks. Learn to detach...very important. Hugs to you, stay strong!!

Shary good insight

Well, just what I needed - a cheery 3:31 am voice mail (my bedroom phone is unplugged)

“Joanie, I looked in my frig this morning and saw what was coming. God will punish you.”

And I thought she was a bit better for a while as it was only no shower bars and late meals...

No wonder I am depressed. Finally had tears - a couple of days worth - heard from my ex and I think he is back in heart trouble again. It was the last straw. He sounds like he doesn't think he has long to live, and considering he had a quadruple bypass few years ago, and has not looked after his blood sugar, it is not unlikely. He has a lot of the symptoms... including tingling and numbness in his shoulder and arm. He has been to his doctor and we will see what the test results are.

End of January and February are the worst times here anyway, and it has been a very cold winter, and, of course, light is low during the winter months here. I do have a "day light" and use it most days.

I have some bad memories from this time of year too, my girlfriend dying is just hitting me, the accumulation of the past year of mother getting worse, and now my ex who has become a strong part of my support system has one foot on a banana peel and... it all adds up.

I take a very small dose of antidepressant for the fibromyalgia pain. It might be worth upping the dose a bit to get through this period. I suspect there will be more significant nastiness from mother and my sister as this treatment for mother plays out. Don't need it!

Changing my phone number seems like a better and better idea all the time...

I will comment on the other posts later. Just looking for my bootstraps right now to pull myself up. Temps are below normal for the next two weeks. Aaaargh!!!

DaughterinNY,
Congratulations on the tough love, and finding a job!
Do you think that on account of your absence this makes a
difference in the way your mother is behaving? My cousin always used to
tell me, " A little indifference goes a long way." I do believe that, also.
You made some great progress, and yes.....this thread is very valuable.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Emjo if she'd looked in my fridge you might have reason to be scared…

But I don't think she can have consulted God about that. Pretty sure He wouldn't agree.

Sorry to hear how things are piling up on you, it's hard going. But you know better than I that the light's coming back and the world still turns. Awful worry about your ex, though; hope there's better news from him soon. Big hug.

PS Is that amitriptyline you're using? Because as I remember it the pain relief dose is a tiny fragment of the anti-depressant therapeutic dose - best call the medic?

Joan sorry for so many things hitting you at once-at least here the days are getting longer it is about 5:30 before dark-getting 3-6 inches of snow today and then again Wed. and then later in the week-this time will not try to do the drive myself after the fall last week

susan - hope you have been able to take some protective steps. I think an NH is a good idea Start by getting a list of NHs not to close to you, and get info from them If she needs to be on Medicaid get the forms and start the application process. If she has to go to hospital for any reason, tell them that she cannot return to you as you cannot care for her any more. I would also contact your local Agency on Aging and Social Services and tell them about her behaviours and ask for suggestions.

hi dreyfuss - tough situation you are in. Are there any community resources t give you a break? My sib criticizes but wants the whole inheritance. They floor me!!!

cm and margeaux "I wish I could, but I don't want to." Love it - and then there just plain "No." I used that one on G recently. It shocked him, but a bargain is a bargain - and if one won't play, then neither will the other. I am not going into martyr territory.

pst - love it -50 ways to leave your mother... lol

brandy - like dealing with Hitler. I can identify.

Sharyn - that is awesome news!!! Sure you will figure out something re your mothers birthday. She will enjoy having a fuss made over her.

better stop here so I don't lose it

sunny - I know your predicament. I think Sharyn nailed it and Margeaux, cm, Austin, book and others have very good advice. I once read about a narcissist that they chew you up and spit you out, and when they step in it they blame you for messing their shoes. Yes, you have a right to be hurt. I have found that I had to grieve the lost/lack of the mother I needed and never had, and accept her as she is, with all the warts. I have been at least partially successful in this, and able to lower my expectations. Feeling like walking away - frequently. And I have given myself permission to do that if can't take any more. Re moving her closer, personally I wouldn't move her too close, though I understand why you want to. Would she cooperate?

cm I understand your anger - only solution I know is to accept that he is an a**hole and not to expect any more from him. Humping beanie babies - love it. what a visual. Too funny abut the daughters

Austin - 46 years is a long time. So glad you have some peace and happiness now/

DINY - great work - keep getting stronger

The cat is stalking my breakfast - better get him a treat. Supposed to be warmer the next few days. I hope.

Hope everyone has a good day - and - do something good for you today!

thx cm - hoping for better news about the ex. I think a small dose of any antid is helpful for fibromyalgia. I use fluvoxamine, which is not widely used for that, but seems to work for me and doesn't cause weight gain which most of the others do. Unfortunately it doesn't help insomnia, quite the opposite, but I am not sleeping well anyway. I will see the doctor at some point, though have played around with doses successfully before. I know I need to get out and brave the elements more, but I hate the cold more and more.

thx austin - too bad about your fall. That's a lot of snow. Better to not try to do the driveway. The sun is very weak this far north in the winter. Sunrise 8:18 am
sunset 5 pm. here. Hope the bruises are healing.

Austin~Sorry to hear about your fall. It is a shock to suddenly fall, take care yourself.
DinNY~Good for you!! Great news on getting a job too. You definitely are moving in the right direction.
Joan~Hope you get better news regarding your ex. More things to add to the sad feelings already going on. Oh, the horrors of the secrets revealed from inside a fridge,LOL!! God would tell me "Get busy girl and clean this up!"

On the home front~The estate liquidators start going through mom's house today. Haven't heard any updates regarding my niece. My daughter is getting scared due to the complications associated with twin births. I am proud of her because she is making some wise decisions such as...her current ob doesn't deliver at St. Luke's in Boise, ID which is where the NICU is located in her area. If there are complications, the babies would be transported there while she has to stay at another hospital until released. As a result, she is going to get a dr. associated with St. Luke's and one who has experience with multiple births. My daughter is young and healthy, but she is overweight to begin with, her blood pressure could become problematic throughout this pregnancy. The twins do have their own placentas and sacs which is a big plus in terms of less complications. We won't know whether they are identical or fraternal until after they are born. It is important that my daughter have peace of mind knowing her dr has experience with multiples. She has a good head on her shoulders and will make good decisions for herself.

Take care everyone, hoping for sunshine.