The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Hubby told me I was bossy this morning! Just because I said "Have you put the garbage out." Aparently I should say in a more pleasant voice "Did you remember the garbage?" How I dislike his therapist. That remark has her fingers all over it. he does "forget' the garbage when he can get away with it.

Sharyn - glad the liquidators have started. I wish we had done something like that. We had a month to clear out mother's many possessions in her large two bedroom apartment, and Gary could take only one weekend and a day. I was still working too. It was crazy. I gave quite a bit away to a Thrift shop and thankfully they picked up stuff, but we still brought back a small horse trailer full, and unfortunately still have too much of that. How many crystal vases does a person need, or demitasse sets? They probably need to go back to Edmonton for sale there, but I can't do it alone. My shoulder is stull suffering from overdoing it then.

Your daughter is making some good decisions. It is very important that she have peace of mind that she has done all she can for herself and the babies.

Veronica ((((((hugs)))))) you didn't need that on top of all else you do. I saw on your profile that you are getting quite proficient at household repairs. Good for you. I tend to give the garbage to Gary and tell him to take it out - not very tactful, but it works. He is willing and sees it as his job, but forgetful. Maybe the therapist needs a session of doing what you are doing to be a little more sensitive to your needs. Harrumph!

Oh Lord, 4th phone call today. The calls may drive me out of the house to get away from them despite the cold. It doesn't seem to matter whether I answer them or not, in terms of frequency. In fact, she may get worse when I do answer. I guess I am supposed to fly to Edmonton to pick up a few sweaters for her (second phone call) in the mall complex where she lives though she is quite capable of shopping for them herself. It is the narcissist's sense of entitlement; "I am 101, you are my daughter and POA, it is your job to do these things for me!". NOT!

LOL - "I could do it, but I don't want to!" LOL

I cant be too badly off if a single extra of antid perks me up. I guess that was the good thing I did for myself today.

I may replace all the phones in the house. I can hardly bear to use them with all the crazies and venom that they have conveyed to the house... I will wait till mother is on the meds. and see about it.

Veronica, if I spoke too pleasantly to my G about putting out the garbage he'd think I was being sarcastic. Although to be fair we usually share and share alike - so if I'm asking it's because I'm fed to the back teeth of its having been my turn ALL WEEK. (Or - whispers - because it's raining and I'd rather he got wet than me.)

Emjo, what's going to happen to the call rate when things start moving with your mother? Have you got a plan in place? Pre-empt it - because you can't be having flashbacks later on every time you want to use your own phone. Have a new model ready to install, or something - and, by the way, yes you can get landline appliances with at least three different ringtones; there may be others on the market with more, but I know ours has got three (all ugly, but you can't have everything…).

It's just a thought, but you probably can block certain incoming numbers, too. What about asking your phone company if it's possible for a limited period?

Don't know why I've just been reminded of this: a joke on the radio from years ago, an outgoing message that went "Hello, caller. This is the fridge magnet speaking. Our answer phone is on holiday, but if you'd like to leave a message I'll write it down and pop it under my tummy."

Nice message.

I should get G to leave the message. I think that would have a good effect.

There are ten different ring tones on my phone. I just changed to something less strident, but you cannot assign them to a specific caller. as you can with some cell phones. I believe I can effective block some calls - my sister's for example. Worth a try though she hasn't called from overseas for a while but who knows once she finds out about mother. I will just let mother's go to voice mail as usual, until they (hopefully) become more reasonable. If it gets too bad, I will block them too, Right now I cant answer. Dealing with nasty calls and accusations and just plain craziness on top of the sad emotions is too much.

some paranoia jokes because I need some humor ~~~~~

Being paranoid means never having to think that you're alone.

Q: What happens when a paranoid has low self-esteem?
A: He thinks that nobody important is out to get him

Being slightly paranoid is like being slightly pregnant - it tends to get worse.

Emjo, i love the jokes!

Today's call with mom was typically her. Bizarre and confrontational. She calls me but won't talk. Long periods of silence until I ask a question, then mostly one word answers except to complain about nonsense. I finally hung up because i could hear her moving papers around, but she wouldn't talk back. Maybe she forgot she was on the phone. Maybe she thought she'd just let me hang there asking for her to respond. Who the ____ knows. With her growing ever more childish and petulant, it could be anything. The upside is that if something was really wrong, the facility will let me know. Part of me resents being manipulated, part of me says "give up" because she's got dementia, and a very very very tiny part of me wants to know what on earth she was up to over there.

The rational side of me knows this must be a sign that she wants companionship, but doesn't have the skills to do anything about it any more, and this is her feeble way of trying. But it's bait. If I go over there, it's not a visit, but a chore session with a list of never satisfied demands, berating, and hate. Time for a hot toddy.

Veronica,

Oh don't you just dislike that about the husband? My husband is lazy when it comes to any house stuff. We've two doves that live next door, because we couldn't have the in our apt., because we have a landlady from hell. So I go daily in the a.m., put their little food trays in the cage, and I clean & change the newspaper on bottom of their cage. My husband is supposed to put the down at night. He covers the cage w/a blanket, so they won't get so cold. So this evening I got a soup going. Then I tell the husband I was going for my walk around the block. He asks me whether I could put the birds down. I made a face, and he didn't like it, and started to want to make a fuss about why as he said, "I can tell you don't want to do this, because your making faces." I told him, "Well, yes.....
the evening is your turn to do this chore," I have the morning shift. These manipulative comments, I don't need to hear. But I understand what you're saying, about the "bossy," comment.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Why don't home phones have the capability for different tunes like cell phones do? EMJO you could program the phone to play 50 Ways to Leave Your Mother. Then each time mom calls you would be reminded of what you really need to do and sing along with Paul Simon a number of times each day. It would also be handy if certain callers could only get through for an hour or two each day. Now I'm fantasizing again, would like to have one of those myself for other family members. LOL!

Glad~That is too funny, LOL!! Emjo could set it up so it plays 50 ways to leave your mother, only when her mother calls, Haha!! That sounds like something I would have done (if possible) when I first got married. Hubby and I made a pact that we would visit my parents once a week so they would not visit us...and it worked,LOL!! Being the youngest, I think they were more accepting of their children moving on too. My mom sure put my other 3 siblings through the ringer when they got married, she caused lots of problems and issues.

As far as the bossiness goes with husbands, my problem is my sister. Last spring hubby and I took down my mom's vertical blinds from the sliding glass door. We took it to the store my mom bought it from because the pull chain didn't work and being a Hunter Douglas product, it is guaranteed for life. It is quiet a job removing the slats from the header, loading the header in the truck,etc. Then when it was fixed, we had to pick it up, bring it back to mom's house, install it and put the slats back on it. Believe me when I say, my hubby is not the kind of guy who wants to be doing this kind of stuff even for me!!! Hubby's attitude is you should be able to do these things for yourself and if you can't do it, then you should not have it to begin with, LOL!!! The blinds do not work right again because my mom forgot how to use them so once again....my sister told me...my hubby and I will need to take them in for repair again. Yes...right? I don't think so, I don't even want to ask hubby to do this again. I am thinking we should just go buy a curtain rod and some inexpensive curtains (tasteful of course) and leave it at that. Sis thinks we have nothing else to do and because I have a husband, it is my responsibility to get it done...yeah right!!

My plan for my mother's birthday is that I will have lunch with her at Ihop or somewhere comparable. I will leave it up to my sister to acknowledge my mother separate because sis expects me to give up my rest time. She is back at work...working 4 hours (1-5) everyday. She is having trouble letting go of her job because she made her job her life. She insists on going to work everyday instead of working the 20 hours in 2-1/2 days. I refuse to get up early to have a brunch or breakfast when I have opportunity to get some extra sleep not having to be at work until 4pm that day. Besides, we don't have to do everything "together". This is how my mom thinks too.

I am off tomorrow and all I plan to do is see my mom, cook dinner, and sit around and crochet...I have to make double of everything now. I have a large amount of yellow fabric that my daughter had picked out to use as table clothes for her informal wedding,...I am thinking of using it to make dust ruffles for the cribs and cafe style curtains for the window in the babies room Some busy fun time for me, YaY!!

have a good night everyone!!

If you've got a phone you can record speed dial numbers on - hang on, let me get the thing and remember how it works.

Ok, we're looking at a cordless phone (for a landline, though, it's not a cellphone), with a Menu button in the centre. You can record people's names and telephone numbers in its little Directory thing (note to self: always keep instruction manuals), and when you do record an entry it saves the name, then the number, then gives you the option of three different ring tones to choose from before you finally save that item.

It might be worth dragging out the phone's booklet and seeing if it'll let you do that. If not, this one here is an elderly (10+ years) common or garden variety BT model, so I'm sure it wouldn't be expensive or hard to find a better one.

My son has struggled through school and into his adult life. He is very intelligent academically, but he also has ADHD. As a result, he looks for easy ways to get around things which worked for him as a child going through school.He is very jealous of his sister because she was and is very studious and thorough which has rewarded her with accomplishments that my son has not been able to achieve. These accomplishments have no bearing on my sons value to me...he has his own abilities that make him special...he was reading before he wad in first grade, he was reading 2 years above his grade level by the time he was in 3rd grade.

Oh poop it submitted before I was ready. My point is...my sons wife has fertility issues that has impacted their hopes for a child. Plus my dips family has twins that run in the family. So Yes, you guessed it right...my son is not being supportive of my daughters news. She has without calculation stolen their thunder. How do I deal with this since I understand my son and dips disappointment, but their lack of aclnowledgement posses me off because they need to adults about this too. Any ideas??

Kindle error dip is daughter in law and posses is pisses me off...LOL!

I am very proud of my son too. He works hard and the type of work he does is suited for his personalilty and abilities. He is kind hearted which I love about him. I told him I appreciated his honesty about having mixed feelings that his sister is pregnant with twins and that they may still become parents just as his mil did even though she has the same issue my daughter in law has.

Emjo, might as well try to view this as something positive? Like maybe it's help building you to handle it now before the big guns come out when sis/mother do their usual thing. You know, "building character" "building experience amidst adversity/verbal abuses" ... Yeah, I agree... that don't work for me....

Sharyn, I don't know how you can overcome your son/dil's attitude towards your daughter and her pregnancy. In the first place, dil's personality doesn't have what you or your daughter would like to see. Just as your son's demeanor won't allow him to do the same, either. They will always see things from their own point-of-view and not see and share someone else's happiness in which they don't have. Remember, the wedding drama? Your son will always (hopefully he will outgrow it) compete with his sister. My two older brothers STILL compete and try to outdo one another. My 2 young nieces (age 20 and 22) - the older one Always competes with her younger sister. When younger one got pregnant, we all just KNEW that the older girl would get pregnant. And she did.. 7 months apart! When younger buys a rocking child chair, the older went and got one. So, we see the ages - early 20s (nieces) and my older brothers (late 40's)... Sometimes, there's really nothing you can do without causing hard feelings, hurt feelings or misconstrued "favoritism". Who knows, maybe someone here who has dealt with their 2 children on this might be able to give you good advice.

But most especially something as sensitive as not being about to have children.... They can always Pretend to be happy of the good news.

Sharynmarie, I can see why it would be irritating that your son and wife can't be a bit more grown up and generous and happy about your daughter's exciting news; but you already understand it from their point of view - seeing that YET AGAIN she gets a double award and he gets another struggle to cope with - give them time, they'll get over it. I should give them the kid glove treatment, as you are already, by respecting their feelings. It'll be nice when they cheer up and start sending out more positive (not to mention gracious) vibes, but I don't think you can make it happen. Maybe you can gently make it clear that it would make you happy if they could be happy for you, at least. Or at least not be grumpy. It's not like your daughter's good fortune is really any skin off their noses, rationally speaking.

I think that's the kind of jealousy that makes the jealous person feel painfully conscious of his own "shortcomings" (as he sees it, not you of course) rather than envious of the other's good fortune or earned success. Though it must be even worse if you work your socks off while your sibling appears to breeze through life and STILL walks off with the prizes! Not Fair!

How is your daughter in law managing her difficulties? I know infertility can be a desperately painful issue - make sure you're not just seeing the tip of an iceberg, perhaps? Early days, enjoy the crochet (now I'm jealous - never could quite master it, so I'm stuck with knitting).

Sharynmarie, I was reading again about your sister and the whole blind performance, this business of people somehow getting to think that it's perfectly ok to expect some one ELSE to volunteer for a task they're not prepared to take on themselves. We need more nice (or at least unapologetic) ways to say No.

"That would be, no."

Just "No."

"I don't think so."

"Not… so... fast…" like Goldie Hawn in Private Benjamin, at the altar.

At the end of one Sunday lunch, my grandmother stood up after coffee, smiled fondly on my aunt (her favourite child) and said: "Would you like to come and help with the washing up?" And my aunt said, with perfect cheerfulness: "Not particularly, no." As far as I can remember we all took turns with the drying-up cloths in the end, but I've always thought that was definitely the way to do it. It's all in the tone of voice.

An old friend of mine, an army officer for more than thirty years, just says "h'm." Then changes the subject.

When our children want something from him (usually money-related) that my ex isn't about to stump up, he says "you have my blessing." E.g. "Daddy, I thought it would be great to go and visit Auntie Sarah in Australia before I start my new job/do a Master's/get my driving licence..." "You have my blessing." They know not to pursue it.

And another old, but sadly also late, friend of mine used to say - with gusto - "Not a chance!"

I think the trick must be in having the confidence that one's refusal is fair, reasonable and therefore entirely unobjectionable. That way there's no guilt or anxiety attached. Hmm, I notice that most of my role models seem to be men… could this by any chance be significant, I wonder?

CM find a patient crocheter to teach you -I am not great at either but am able to teach a person because I can be patient-our craft group has some so talented women and most are willing to teach other they make involved beautiful items and I go along making my Charlie Brown laprobs or shawls. There are instruction books for kids that teach it simlpely -once you get single crochet the rest is easy-if there is a craft store around someone who works there may like to teach you -a good craft person wants to teach others. actually I admire good knitters -I could never get the tension right so am stuck with scarves.

CM~My dil doesn't talk to me about how she feels regarding infertility, my son says she is sad about it, yet she always is so peppy and happy when I see her. Her issue is early ovarian shut down. Her mother and grandmother had the same thing but they were able to conceive in spite of it. There is hope...she is only 25 years old which does make it sad. You are right, they will get over it eventually...it's not like my daughter purposely planned on having twins just to trump them.

I can't knit but wish I could. Nothing is prettier than a knitted sweater...a crocheted sweater is too puffy looking but is pretty for blankets, hats and booties. Crochet is fairly easy, everything revolves around the single chain stitch.

As my sister goes...I like, "I wish I could, but I don't want to" because thats the truth,LOL!! She is trying to orchestrate my mom's birthday which again, I don't want to do that either. Just let people visit mom on their own terms and time frame...that's not asking too much.

Book~Yes, the whole accusations of favorites with my son's mil was a big disappointment and over stepping of our boundaries by his mil. Money was tight for us that year with the possibility of my husband losing his job. Hubby had saved $500 as a wedding gift for our son and dil. There wedding was very formal and out of our budget amounting to over $10,000.00. We ended up giving the $500 to help pay for flowers instead of as a gift for our son and dil. The next year our daughter got married, she and her fiance (now her husband), saved for a down payment on a house, qualified for the loan on their own..before they got married. They decided to have a very simply informal wedding. Our budget for their wedding was around $4,000.00 if she had a formal wedding and not go into debt for a big fancy affair. We spent about $900 on an informal wedding and gave $3,000 to our daughter and sil as a wedding gift. My son's mil had a fit over this because we didn't do the same for our son. What his mil refused to accept was that during the first year of my son's marriage, my husband and I had given our son and dil well over $3,000 over a period of time to help them out financially because they were struggling to pay off the big wedding and other bills. In addition, my son and dil moved in with us for a year, rent free so they could catch up on bills which they never did do. That is story behind that issue and the continuing jealously between my son and daughter.

Oh my goodness the you got this and I got that and it's NOT FAIR - I can't bear it. My children know that if I've got any cash I'll spend it happily on them but most of the time I haven't - it seems to even out! (Or at least I hope they agree that it does…) And quite what business your son's MIL had voicing her opinion I really don't know - what terrible manners. Shudder.

Yes, CM...the horrors of being the Mother In Law, LOL!!

On the subject of crocheting. just don't aim too high. You can easily learn from the illustrations in a book. Start with granny squares and sew them into afghans and you are on your way. I have always knitted but never croched so there was no chance of learning the beautiful fine work one of my aunts used to attach to table cloths. Scraps of sport weight yarn and a good sized hook and them you can see what you are doing. If your arms and shoulders ache too much for knitting this puts much less strain. (And it does not annoy hubby with the clicking of needles) Ho ho
Do we girls become less patient as the years race by or do husbands get more crabby?

I'll never forget the long journey from Marble Arch to Lewisham on the 36 bus when I sat next to a grandmotherly black lady who was working on the most beautiful, fine lace baby blanket - it just seemed to grow out of her fingers, wonderful to watch. Since then I've been to two workshops: think I've got it, come home proudly with my somewhat misshapen sampler, then sit down to start on my own modest project and - boof! Never get past the chain. But I shall persevere! One day my grandchildren will sit at my knee saying Gosh Granny aren't you clever… (yeah right). Oh well perhaps they'll admire my prowess at mending a bicycle puncture, instead.

Why do men hate knitting so much? - and not just the doing it, the mere presence of it (I know there are honourable exceptions). Does it hark back to the guillotine, do you think? They seem to find it genuinely sinister.

A Chinese student was watching me knit on the Tube once and asked what I was making. I explained it was a jumper for my teenage daughter, but I wasn't really very good at knitting. "No," she said sadly. Should have asked her if she had any tips, only I was too stunned.

sandwich - it is bait - that always gets to me. There may be a real need, but it is used for bait and the attention is far more important to them then getting the need met.

glad -50 ways to leave your mother on the phone - hilarious!!!

Sharyn -yellow dust ruffles sound lovely. Lots of fun preparing for babies.Stick to your guns re your mother's b'day. Re the jealousy of sin and dil, I would stay out of it for the most part. It is too bad they feel this way, and I know that infertility is a very tough thing, but it is not your daughter's fault. I hope they will get over it enough to be able to rejoice a bit with you. I agree they need to grow up. The wedding thing is in the past, and it sounds like you have helped both of your kids one way or another. $10,000 wedding and they didn't have much money????? Whoa!

cm -what make is your phone? I have looked at mine and don't see anything that allows it. I think I will buy a new set. This one was a cheapo on sale and I have regretted buying it for several reasons. I know I can get a second phone number which would have a different ringtone for the same line which might accomplish the same thing. No calls so far today. Yay!!! Crocheting is much easier that knitting. I learned knitting very early in life, Crocheting was my 50th year accomplishment. I think I may start again. I used to crochet baby stuff and give it away to the Thrift shop. Your aunt was great. I had an aunt-in-law like that. "No, I don't think so, dear," said in very pleasant tones and with a big smile.
Agreed none of the mil's business who spent what on who. I have tried to be fair to my kids when it comes to hand outs, loans and gifts, but it is not a matter of "equal". You balance meeting their needs, against the resources you have and what seems fair. Thankfully mine aren't really that interested in what I do
for the others. I am sure you are pretty good at knitting and you will master crochet.

book, nice thought, but I will can settle for the amount of character I have. I have been dealing with the sis/mother stuff all my life and there has been worse Fortunately I can cut them off now if I need to.

Veronica - good to hear that crochet is easier on the joints. I did some fine-ish work some years ago, but would not try it now I don't even want to sew buttons on these days.

Took an extra 1/2 dose as the extra dose yesterday had me awake till midnight. I am amazed how much the extra dose yesterday helped. Don't need to dissolve in tears too much more. Mothers should be safely out of the way soon and my brain can start to recover. Hearing so much crazy talk really does a number on me especially when combined with losses. I know current losses trigger off other unresolved losses - and the loss of Gordie will always be unresolved. You just don't get over the loss of a child and that makes me more vulnerable. This is a hard month for G too. Horse court case coming up near the end of Feb. He is countering with unsubstantiated charges, which I think they are, but you never know what will happen in court. I am not impressed with his lawyer. Unfortunately, justice is a nice idea in theory, but not that often served by the legal system.

Have a good day all, and do something good for you.

Ladies, I know it is a very old fashioned look, but I just love crocheted doilies, table runners, table clothes..the lacy look. I do use them in my home even though it is out dated but I love it. I took all the white doilies and ecru doilies my mom made...sis doesn't like the doily thing...more for me, plus hand made by my mom.

Sis is going to take mom out to Ihop around 10am on her birthday. My brother will meet her there. My brother can be sis's buffer this time. Sis just wants to control things with our mom too much and I want to have time with my mom privately just like I did with my dad when he had Alz and was in the nursing home. My mom wanted all of us to visit when she visited so we came as a big family front of support. The visit ended up being all about mom instead of dad. My sister is doing the same thing now.

I visited with my friend Sandra today too. She is the 73 year old I told you all about who found love again with a widower who she went through school with. They were married in December and I wanted to catch up with her on wedding, view the pictures with her. It was great, I have the password so I can show my hubby the pics online, hubby worked for Sandra's first husband.

Joan~You are right that the whole wedding fiasco is in the past and for me, it has no bearing on how I feel about my son and dil. I am sad for them that they may not get to be parents, I do hope they can adopt a child or twins since that is important for my dil. Her father has an identical twin...it is her dream to have twins and I certainly hope it can happen.

Not all men hate knitting. Anybody remember Rosie Greer? Hobby knitting, NFL player, turned actor, even has needlepoint kits for men. Google him.

Oh and I wish we could edit! He says it takes balls to knit.

Sharynmarie,
We have those blinds. They broke awhile back, and it took our landlady forever to fix them. I don't like the fact that they're a pia to clean. Curtains are easier.
I wouldn't want to have to go through that again, if I were you either!

It is sad that your son and his wife can't rejoice about the pregnancy.
I'm sure since you've described as they being competitive, doesn't help.
I agree with Emjo though that they need to do some maturing. I mean it is sad the DIL can't conceive for the moment.....who knows maybe that may change.
It's hard to tell people how to feel. The thing you can hope for is they do deal with their issue, but not allow it to reflect against your daughter, nor you.

That's a good idea having your sister take your mom to the IHOP.
I'm sure your mom will enjoy her birthday.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Crocheting.....good golly Ms. Molly! My grandmother tried showing me to do this when I was a kid. But for some reason, I just couldn't get past making those chains. So I think this is what spurred me to learn to sew. I do like that.

Margeaux