The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Try us!!! We all have had some ugly/crazy thoughts You have way too much to deal with. But, I understand it can be scary. Share a little and see how people react and if you feel safe.

We have suicidal people, people who cut, people who drink, people who have yelled at their parents and worse, people who are afraid they are going to hurt their parent, people who have walked away from their parent...

We have people who were abused by their parents, sexually, verbally and emotionally, who were beaten, neglected, and who continue to suffer verbal and emotional abuse.

Does that list touch on any of it?

ocd, this is a very safe place to vent!

Mom's skipped all her meds (19 now I believe) for a week now, is not eating/drinking, hardly going to the bathroom at all, and sick to her stomach, which reinforces not eating, drinking, or meds in her mind. This will be interesting......

If "interesting" is code for wacked out, space nuts loopy, hallucinating, screaming mee-mee filled days & nights.

She is on the waiting list for a room in the 24/7 assistance unit, but I'm not sure what can be done until then, unless she just gets to be so bad off she has to go to the hospital. *sigh*

((((sandwich)))) She sounds in pretty bad shape. According to your profile she has a lot of heath issues You may have to call an ambulance. Is it worth calling the hospital and finding out what they think? Here we have a toll free health line for advice. Do you have anything like that?

Has this happened before or is this a sign of some real decline? -her body shutting down?

I read somewhere that you wrote safety over happiness which is what most of us conclude is our priority when it comes to dealing with these very difficult parents. These times of transition are tough.
.
Thinking of you and glad she is on the list for a unit where she can be cared for round the clock.
Big (((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))

well i attempted suicide last year because of all the stress and i'm going down the same road again. i feel like im losing my mind. i cant stand taking care of my mother i had her in nursing home for four days and i wasn't at peace they threatened to send her off to mental hospital and i panicked and went and go her. i cant stand her while she is here but worry when she ain't. the thughts that go through my mind are evil i just want it all to end one way or another

Ocd~If you go back and read about emjo's mother it may help you to understand that when severe mental illness is the issue, a mental hospital is not a torture chamber. They can get your mother stabilized on medications. Once she is stabilized, it would probably be in your mothers best interest that she be placed in a mental facility where they will make sure she gets her medication regularly. This is NOT a cruel action against your mother....it is a gift.

You are too important to want to attempt suicide. This situation is NOT your fault, however, it is out of your control just as it would be for anyone of us in the same situation. Not being able to help/or caregive for your mother does not mean you have failed...it simply means that your mother's issues are bigger than what one person can do.

Please keep in touch with us and on Monday morning call the Area Agency on Aging in your city or county, ask for a social worker. Tell the social worker everything you have told us...they will help you!! Blessings to you and Big HUGS!!

Sandwich~I do agree that calling an ambulance may be necessary if your mother is getting dehydrated. Is there any chance she may have a UTI as they do cause hallucinations,etc with the elderly? Keep in touch, and hang in there.

Just my rambling thoughts here....
I don't know how people are able to pray continuously for a suffering person. I have found out that I get to emotionally involved and I get very depressed. I continue to pray for sweet Ethen Richardson and his family. Such a sad story. I pray for my niece...that radiation will reduce the size of her tumor so the drs can remove it and give her the opportunity to live a full life. I pray that my sil can hold up with dealing with a second child with inoperable cancer. A customer came in the store 2 days ago, his wife has inoperable pancreatic cancer, and as he was sharing this...another customer who is friends with the first customer, said he has a spot on a chest ex-ray the drs are following up on.Maybe I am just tuned into cancer right now so it appears to be everywhere.

I am venting and am frustrated with the fact that so many people think I am a horrible daughter because I am not caregiving 24/7/365 for my mother. These people refuse to accept the abuse my mother spewed out throughout my life...."You are just a whimp and can't take being disciplined...." While I can detach from all those ignorant beliefs, it still hurts to think that others are not very educated or accepting about other people's situations. There is no manual on how to be a good parent and there is no manual on how to be a good child...unless you want to factor in that YOU as the adult child was brought into this world to caregive for your parents and YOU are not entitled to be married, have children, grandchildren, a marriage, a career or just a simple life. Just my rant for the night. hope it opens some eyes in others and just unloading what has been building up...responses are welcome if you feel inclined to do so.

Hugs to everyone!!

I wish I was a forthright person. If someone told me that, I wish I had the nerve to tell them that until they lived my childhood, and bore the scars physically and emotionally then please keep your judgemental comments to yourself. Even my therapist was surprised that I survived my childhood "intact." So Instead of making judgmental comments to others, why don't you apply it to your life or your future. Who are you to say those words.

Sorry, Sharyn, that hit a nerve. I've had several people tell me that I should do MORE for my mom. This, to the ONE child who stayed home at age 23, gave up her dreams to leave this island and pursue my dreams of traveling around the world. Who has 7 siblings and yet these people had the nerve to Lecture Me!?!!! And just as my parents raised me, I sat there and took it in quietly. I'm a Bad daughter, you know....

What we need to do is to Undo what our parents drummed into us as children. We need to learn to appreciate ourselves, and stand up for ourselves (since no one else will) even though we're terrified inside of contradicting or confronting these people.

Oldest bro of next door, again, brought up if dad has a Will. He wants me to look for it. I ain't no fool....

Odc, when you're thinking that way, the devil is laughing. Don't ever let anything in this life break you. You might be on your knees, but you MUST find the will to stand up...again and again and again and again if necessary. Before you harm yourself again, you call 911, have them pick your mom up and then refuse to go and get her. It sounds worse than it is. You can see your mom anytime you like, visit as often as you like...or not. Like Sharyn said, these places aren't torture chambers. Your mom will get good care, you'll make sure of that. If you do that much, you've done enough imo. Sometimes enough is enough and that's that. No one person's well being is more...or less...important than another's. People aren't living energizer bunnies, we can't just keep going and going and going or we'll drop or end up half crazy. When it comes down to the wire, you look out for YOURSELF just as much as you'd look out for anyone. If we let ourselves drown in the caregiver role and break down or die from the stress, who's there for the elderly?

Sharyn, people are ignorant. Just keep that in mind. Unless they've lived what you have they don't know shit and they're talking out their asses. Who cares what people think? YOU know what's up. That's all you need to know. Anyone who judges you too harshly about things they just don't understand aren't worth conversing with in the first place. Blow them off.

People may think I'm evil myself since I 'abandoned' my mom to the state the last 3 months of her life. If they do, I don't want to hear their opinions. I flay myself enough mentally for doing that, necessary as it was at the time. I don't need anybody who's never walked around the block even once in my shoes to tell me a damn thing. Once you realize that those kinds of opinions are toxic and destructive, you'll stop listening to them and they'll stop mattering. Almost like listening to mother talking, isn't it? Yes, you DO deserve a life, a peaceful, joyful life. And you grab it any way you can get it. And leave guilt in the dust. Take care.. *hugs*

Amen, Book... :)

SA thank you for what you just said-we know what happened when we were kids and how we were treated-my Mom thought she was a good mother truth be told in today's world she would have had her kids taken away from her-a 7 yr. old taking care of a baby and at 9 a baby and a toddler and expected to clean and cook and then being told you are bad.

Ok, I was in mid rant when it dissappeared, emjo I guess I've got your "ghost" in my machine too. I was saying that my mom seemed to be a saint. Everyone told me they wished they had my mom. I wished they had her too... OCD, been there, YOU have value no matter what anyone else thinks...(now if I could just believe that myself...) was suicidal one year and my family ws told so by my therapist. Their reaction? My family who never had a gun in the house borrowed a pistol from my uncle "to scare off the cayotes" (SP) Now they had lived in that house since 1932, it was now 1972, never needed to scare them before or since... but they kept that pistol in its oak case my uncle had made open and laying on the coffee table in the living room all summer. Yeah, my security blanket was a razor blade, but my shrink told me "Don't let the bastards get you down, then they win." I tell you the same. Repeat it every morning, and as needed throughout the day. Your mom needs help, WAY beyond what you can give. Mental care has improved dramatically in my lifetime (I made it to 60). The meds can do wonders. it is no longer the world of "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest". There are compasionate and caring mental health professionals out there. When we are at our worst, like your mom, we don't realize how badly we need them until someone loves us enough to step in and get us the care we don't think we need. Be brave, do what you both need and get her the help she needs, and get yourself what you need. Hang in there, we are praying for you.

Sharyn you are not alone. People here really do understand and genuinely want to help you. everyone sends you their love and prayers. if we could we would be at your door carrying caseroles and offers of respite but we can only listen. So keep talking to us and rember we do not judge - whatever you feel is right you will find support. Time is now to take action, you are young and strong you can do it.Blessings.

Others are mentioning that their posts are disappearing. Mine are too so I am left with the impression that it must be a web site issue rather than our personal computers.
I have also noticed that I am frequently asked to log on again when I have checked the "remember me" box.

Emjo,
This is definitely a very challenging time with respect to the decisions you are making for your mom. I remember when dad was receiving his cancer treatments, and we the family were so accustomed to him being very strong, physically. He was a total garden hobbyist and was so good at that. So my brothers who were not very involved at all with his caregiving, nor lived close....were the ones who Iwould say things like, "Dad is so strong, almost as if he was going to live forever." I remember one of the last times I would see dad outside on his knees on a pillow, weeding his garden. He could no longer be out there on bare knees at 84, doing something that mos. before he could do without using that pillow. It made me sad on the one hand, but it made me very aware of his condition and the progression which was taking place. It was a reality moment for me!
When we age, no matter our previous stamina of being strong, the human body does deteriorate at some point and thats just a fact of life.
Remember too....that there is a mind and body connection in everyone's health.
She could be strong as you have known her all of your life, then I'm aware for someone like this, also has had the history of always getting their way on different levels......but there will probably come a day, when even your mother will start showing signs of not being even so physically strong anymore. Maybe not either, hopefully it will be a peaceful transition.

Our aunt the battle ax was like this towards the end of her life. She was very ill,
with congenital heart disease and a host of other related health ailments.
Since my sister was caregiving......and when the battle axe's behavior became so intolerable towards the end.....my sister would complain to me daily. She would hold out this argument that my aunt, despite her physical condition was going to be around a long time, given her strong will. I finally told her, that I didn't think this the case at all. This is how it went after that, too.

I know you are being guided in your decisions, so keep on trusting.
She's going into another level...and thereby the care is going to be different.
So don't doubt your decisions.
You and your's are in my thoughts!
Hugs, Much Love & Light! Margeaux

sandwich - wondering how things are. Your mum sounded in bad shape. Update us when you can.

ocd - sharyn and standing alone and last resort said it well, and as book says we need to undo the damage - there is no chance of that while you are in close quarters with her. Your mother needs professional help. She needs to go to a facility that deals with mental health issues. Then you still have a role which is to visit and advocate for her. The job you have now it too big for any of us and even at a distance, I find that is stresses me to the limit. A psychologist, Pauline Boss, wrote that when you have been abused as a child it is not advisable to do hands on caregiving, but to arrange for others to do it - to be humane to your parent, but to do yourself no further harm. This is harming you and is no good for your child. He is being exposed to the abuse that you were subjected to and still are. You need to get your mother out of your home and into professional care. There is a reason that you are here - and that is to survive and get healthy. Many (((((((hugs))))))) I hope you will take the suggested steps to help yourself and your mother. In any case keep in touch. Your friend is a good one.

Sharyn - re prayer. For me it is to give the outcome to God. I pray as I see fit, then have to "let go and let God" and trust that He knows best even if I do not understand it. There is a lot of cancer around, and heart disease. They are the two major killers of our times. Re ignorant people, I have had to examine myself and I decided that I am doing well, no matter what others think. I have worked through, for the most part, that what others, who have not walked in my shoes, think of me is of much less importance than what I think of myself. Does it hurt when I get an "ignorant" comment. Yes, it does for a bit, but it does not shake my self esteem as it once did. I just remind myself that they do not have a clue. It has taken time to get to where I am. To quote Adam Clayton Powell, "I've paid my dues" - and then some and so have you. You are a full fledged member of the human race and entitled to your opinions and your ways of doing things, without the judgement of others. I usually avoid people who suggest that things are not as they would do them. I haven't had any direct critical comments, but I think they would get an earful if I got any - or at least a heartfelt, "You have no idea!"

book - You should do MORE????? I am dumbfounded. Whoa. That person deserves a smack on the head to waken them up to reality. Yes, we need to undo and honour ourselves for the good people we are. The more we do that the easier it gets and the healthier we get. Oldest bro needs two smacks on the head!
going to continue in another post before I mess this one up. I seem to be doing better this morning

SA - totally agree
ocd - don't let the illness win. I agree that when you get her into the proper facility you have done your job. We HAVE to look after ourselves.

SA - you are not evil for putting your mum in state care the last months of her life. You had reached the end of your resources and I understand that well. I am very close to that. "Do yourself no further harm" is ringing in my ears. I am suffering harm and I know you were too. We have an obligation to take care of ourselves too. (((((hugs))))) for all you have been through and for all you did for your mum.

Austin - you lost your childhood as did most of us here You are right your mum would have had her kids taken from her. I will never forget mother blowing up at me when I tried to do a good job in the kitchen.

lastresort - wow - about the gun. Sends a message doesn't it? Reminds me of the time mother bought me a poison ring and then showed me how to use it. The stone was hinged and there was a compartment underneath it where a very fast acting poison was kept. When things got too tough, people could swallow the poison quickly. Thanks, mother! Never let the bastards get you down. Something rises up in me and I think, "No way am I going under" I haven't told this to many, but I had suicidal ideation after the summer that mother raged at me for hours a day. She was totally out of it, and she and my sis walked past me in the street and didn't acknowledge me. I was looking out a second story window and the thought came to me that it would be so easy to throw myself out and end it all. Now I am not suicidal and never have been but the thought came anyway. I suppose because I was under a great deal of stress. I stepped away from the window and told that thought to go back from where it came -the pits of hell as far as I was concerned. But, I did have to stay away from high places more than usual. I don't do well with heights at the best of times. I remember that year going to Beachy Head in the UK with my aunt and uncle and the breezes blew the cobwebs away, but I had to stay away from the cliff edge. I really like what you wrote "When we are at our worst, like your mom, we don't realize how badly we need them (the professionals) until someone loves us enough to step in and get us the care we don't think we need." So true. (((((hugs)))))

veronica - I have to log in all the time even though I have checked the box. Maybe is it a site issue -seems to be better this morning for me. I like your visual of bringing casseroles to the door :)

Margeaux - yes, a very challenging time. I know those moments. I have one with mother in the past year. We had returned in a taxi from lunch out and I took her arm to help her up the curb, and she was light as a feather - lighter than before (she is not a big woman anyway) - and I had a feeling of frailness that I never had from mother before. My daughter used to say she was like a Mac truck. She still is very strong for her age, but not as she used to be. She was always very upright and now is bowed a little, so her age is showing, But her colour is still wonderful - pink cheeks, blue eyes and white hair. Her nails amaze me - no ridges, and little arthritis showing in her hands. I hear you about the mind body connection, and the mind is going, but we all know about those who have lain as a vegetable for years too. Only God knows how many days she has left. I am not doubting my decisions, though it may seem so. I do not see an alternative to what is happening. If I denied them concealing the meds, she would have to be in a lock up for sure and probably "taken down" at times. There are no ideal solutions. This is the best available.

Thanks everyone for thoughts and prayers - they make a huge difference. I don't know what I would do without you all.

Big (((((((((hugs)))))))) and do something good for you today - especially ocd!!!

Sharynmarie,

When one prays, or chants especially for sick people......if we aren't careful you can take on some of that person's energy. I've read up about this. Some people will say that it's wise to do some kind of a prayer protection before you take this on. But definitely......if this is making you feel depressed, maybe that in and of itself is trying to tell you something. I'd been chanting for the neighbor who died recently.
But then I stopped, because it was also making me feel out of sorts. I'm not saying I won't do this for her at a later time, but it's just not the right time for me right now.

I realize that you currently are around people having serious health issues.
But, remember your own personal well being, try not to make this concern some kind of obsession, either. Remember the word detachment, which I haven't heard for a long time here. You may need to detach from some of this, and I don't say this in some kind of callous way.....but you do have so much going on in your own life, so maybe it's time to conserve your own energy, too.
In the midst of all of this, also you are going to be a grandmother, so start focusing on lot's of that. But I understand, I'm not trying to minimize or fluff off at all what your are feeling! Just want you to know that. You're too much a valuable woman,
and those people telling you these lies about your worth?? Toxic, toxic, toxic.
Who are these people in the bigger game, anyway of say doing all you do.
Are they the Validation Team? NO! They're NOT!

Baby pictures, baby names, baby rattles, goo goo, ga ga, and all that good stuff!
Try to squeeze in some time for those photos you love taking.

Big Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Thank you everyone, I so appreciate all of you. You are all a valuable support team and I couldn't do it without you.

You are all so right about not letting these people validate who I am. I have come to the conclusion that placing a parent in a facility is still a taboo subject with most of society. I can see it when I say it and the person will flinch and their eyes get big, then they freeze with that look on their face. I have decided that I will not tell people who ask how my mother is doing, just answer that she is doing great.
I do need to detach from the emotional aspect when praying. I agree Joan, we can pray and pray but it is in God's hands...it reminds me of a minister we had years ago who told us that if you believe, praying once and letting it go is all that is needed instead of praying over and over again. Let God handle it, yes.
Margeaux, I had to chuckle at your goo goo gaa gaa, LOL!! I talked with my daughter last night while I was looking at her baby registry on Amazon. She has picked out a pacifier with two front BIG teeth...I laughed when I saw that, I will buy her several!! I may take you up on getting out to take some photos as I am off this coming Fri/Sat...hoping my back is in shape for a day trip...did something to my back...icing it again and it is better than yesterday.
Joan, your situation with your mother is in God's hands too. While you may have some challenges with your mom over the next few weeks, I really think that the professionals will get her on the right meds, then get her placed in a facility where they can make sure she gets her meds regularly. I agree with you that if your mother were allowed to continue the way she is, she would be heavily medicated at times to control her. You are giving her the opportunity to have quality of life even though she won't see it that way.

When life gives you lemons...make strawberry lemonade.

I am a 38 year old Substitute teacher. I work mostly with special needs children. I have a 16 year old son and have been married for 6 yrs to my second husband. my mother had a stroke on janurary 17th 2012 and i have been her caregiver ever since because she has Aphasia and can not live by herself. my parents were divorce in 2004 and most of her family is either dead or in mental hospital. i'm the oldest i have a younger sister who recently stopped helping me with my mother because she thinks i am ruling her life "according to her recent husband" I have taken care of my entire family my whole life i came from a broken home a abusive mother absent father due to work related issues and was left to care for my sister. My mother tortured me for years denied my rape at the age of 9 and accused me of having sexual relationship with my father. at age 19 i left my home and two years later brought my sister with me. my first marriage didn't work out because i wouldn't submit only to my husband and leave my family. now that my sister has her own life and no family members to help i feel trapped and cant breath.I have to take care of someone who NEVER took care of me I survived her abuse and now i'm left once again to pick up the pieces. She isnt the same since the stroke she is loving and sweet but at the same time i still see these mind controlling games still peeking thru. She has to be center of attention 24/7 I have to care for her every need and she knows i don't want her to be in my home i would love to have her in nursing home and visit often but she will not behave long enough to let me have a life. I personally think her stroke could have been prevented. She neglected to take her medicine as prescribed and as a result have a massive stroke that i now have to deal with. I have done my part i have gave her care for far too long more than she deserves after the way she treated me growing up when do i ever get to life my life and life for myself instead of caring for people who never gives a damn on how i feel

((((((((hugs)))))) ocd. I have worked with special needs children too. I found it very rewarding. I think a number of us have been caregiving in one form or another from childhood.
In many ways you are trapped as you are now with no help, but I believe that you can gain your freedom. It sounds like your mum is narcissistic - having to be the centre of attention - as well as having other problems. Ocd you get your freedom when you arrange it. There is no other way. Austin who has written here has said that a therapist told her to stop waiting for someone to rescue her, that she had to do it herself. We all do - but also we usually need help - professionals and friends in real life and places like this web site. I totally agree that you have given more than your mum deserves. How do you feel about her going to a mental hospital? If they were prepared to send her there before, it could likely happen again. If you feel guilty about that it may prevent you from taking the steps to get your life back. Dear one you have nothing to feel guilty about. I am having mixed feelings about what lies ahead for my mother, but I know it is the only answer available, even if not a perfect one. I decided years ago I would never take my mother into my home, as she would ruin my life and I would not do that to myself. What is stopping you from taking the steps you can to get your mother out of your home and into a facility? Others here have faced it, managed to do it and you can too. more ((((((((hugs))))))))

After reading through some of these recent posts, and seeing my own situation echoed in many of yours, I realize with great clarity that I created a big emotional pitfall for myself when I naively thought I could help an elderly father who was both abusive to me and neglectful of me as a child. There was a lifetime of bad feelings, but I was in such a good place in my mid 30s, so beyond that bad childhood, so sure of my independence and strength. I had no idea it could still touch me… and not just touch me, but break my heart all over again.

To those of you who feel any guilt over having to distance yourself from caregiving to your aging parents - whether that is physical distance or emotional detachment - all I can say is I understand why we have to do it. I've given up any rationalizations I used to give myself about why I could go on doing and giving…. I can't anymore, not under current circumstances. All the positive sayings and "one day at a time" can't keep me from diving into a hurt place that just seems to take me down in a way I haven't experienced since childhood.

I'm rambling, dumping, my emotions are a little frayed as I try to step back into a place of control - over my own life and destiny - and let go of the consuming concern I have for a father who mismanages his health, his finances, his entire life. He seems both grateful for my help and at same time can act a hateful creep to me, the one person that has given so much for him.

And all that my siblings and other family seem to see is that I came here and "freeloaded" for past several years… the entire situation has been the most hurtful and destructive heartbreak of my life. I want a relationship with family, but at what cost? At the cost that I don't feel good about myself anymore? That I am constantly defensive? That I feel hopeless about life? That I also contemplate suicide because there is so much pain in all this?

Bah. Forget it. I told my bro I'm done. Done, done, done, done. I gave bro the list of age-restriced apartment facilities in Indy that I thought looked promising for my father's new home, I arranged the ok with trust to do all financing. I'm just done.

I've been looking at jobs and apartment listings for some time, waiting for the bad Chicago winter to thaw out to try to put a some new basic things in place for me.

At this point, the way I feel inside, I would not be attending my father's funeral - if it were tomorrow, or any time soon. Its not his fault, it was mine. He hasn't changed, he's same selfish creep he's always been. I just didn't know how much hands on caregiving to abusive parent could affect me. How much sadness and pain could come out of this.

I just wanted to say all this to tell each of you - I GET IT. And we're not being selfish in the least. Some of you already know that very well, and have taught me that, and some still struggle. To try and distance yourself from a hurtful situation is necessary action, not selfish one.

I tell you, with all of my life's ups and downs so far, I've never felt so laid low… so very low… as I have felt as a result of trying so hard to deal with this caregiving situation.

Ok, that was the sad and commiserating part, the good news is I'm dealing with all of it and taking the necessary steps to extract myself from this. I've learned a lot. I think I'll leave caregiving without regret, just a very wary outlook on what a dysfunctional family can do to you, regardless of how old you are and how much you think you're all grown up and removed from it all. :D

(((((Alison))))) you spent the last few months well, figuring out what you need to do. I think we all have fallen into that pit, crawled out and fallen in again several times. That self confidence does not always serve us well. There may come a point where we can no longer go on as we were. If we keep getting hurt we have to protect ourselves. Part of the problem is the co dependency that we learned from childhood where other's needs come first. We need to grow past that to putting ourselves, our needs, higher on our list of priorities. We need to be able to put us first and feel good about it.

Relationship with family at what cost indeed? I have faced that one, and kept trying and I no longer can. I will fulfill my duties as POA, PD, and will distance myself as I need. I have pulled back before then come forward again, and pulled back and so on. Each time I have pulled further back. As far as my sis is concerned the distance will remain, As far as my mother is concerned I will do what I have to, as long as the cost to me is not too great.

I am glad that you are DONE and looking for jobs and a place to live in Chicago. It is wonderful that you GET IT - that you know your feelings and quality of life count. It is not selfish, it IS necessary.

Prayers, Alison, for this transition to go smoothly. I notice you have not mentioned your mother. I hope the distancing incudes her.

Thank you, emjo. My mother plays sort of a strange role in all of this, but if I'm honest with myself, looking back she's been pretty consistent. Her accusations of my "selfishness" and her opinion that I would financially abuse my father have been some of the tougher spots along this crazy caregiving route. I'm still not sure what her diagnosable medical condition would be, but I will tell you that she is an entirely different person from day to day. Right now, I have a mother that is somewhat comforting and sweet to me. But I realize now, this will change at any given moment based on nothing I did or do. You guys, on this thread, really have helped me to see that very clearly for what it is. And so going forward, my relationship with my mother will be guarded, but not unfriendly… but guarded out of necessity. Maybe a little bit like how you describe your own relationship with your mom. And when my mother cries to me that "we (she and I) don't have a close relationship," (which btw, she only seems to actually want now and then) I will not feel guilty anymore, but will try to be a caring person towards her regardless. I think this is best I can do.

Sort of that is true, but not really. This whole thing is a mess, what person works for "free" voluntarily for the rest of their life? When everything went to court, I thought the court would do the responsible thing and PAY THE CAREGIVER, I have no standing in the court, but it just seems odd that people would expect me to be the responsible party and not even ask me to caregive, where I could say yeah or nay, or ask to be paid. Why is this hard to fathom? I am a recent college graduate with student loans to pay off, that in spite of my own disabilities have managed this feat and have college debt. They were smug enough to say that the ward, our 87 year old, did not create my college debt, what does that have to do with bee's knees...but it is in the courts doing that I am not getting paid,
I believe the GAL, bank and guardian have each others backs on this one, i just wanted to not have to wait until the end (when I will probably be an emotional mess) and look like a money grubbing a------ and challenge the trust. I just thought if it weren't a freebie, the dysfunctional people would at least value me,respect me (the way they act??? I am nothing more than a subservient freeloader, but wait a minute, they might think they have permission to order me around or tell me off, hey wait a minute, I am talking about dysfunctional people)...

I don't know when i made the report for senior abuse and neglect almost 3 years ago, It is being proved in court, that the POAs were and are incompetent, that is today in about 4 hours...don't worry my records...ARE METICULOUS.

I guess I will just have to challenge the trust, when that time comes.
It has been seven + years...

In the next to last paragraph, it is suppose to read, "I know when I made the report"

The POA had her over Thanksgiving, she came back disheveled, in the same clothes, disorientated...he will never get her again...

ABB, I feel you. God, do I feel you. I went through the same thing with my mom, from my earliest memories. One of the things that would freak me out about my mom as a really young kind were her out of the blue silent treatments. One day, she'd be talking to me and the next day she'd go completely and totally silent. If I talked to her she ignored me completely. Wouldn't say a single word to me at all, wouldn't look at me or acknowledge my existence at all. I was totally confused by this behavior as a young kid. I remember feeling lost, not knowing what to do or why she was being like that and I remember just feeling so afraid. I remember trying to comfort her somehow when she got like that but she'd tell me to get out and leave her alone... I was probably about 4-5 when this started, or at least when my memories about that kind of thing started, from one day to the other never knowing what or who I was going to be confronted with...the screaming banshee that hunted me or the silent statue that didn't see me.. The not knowing kept me completely off balance...I remember waking up with a sense of dread, feeling like I was walking on thin ice all the time, never knowing what would set my mom off and not knowing which beast would be unleashed this go round... It was insanity at it's finest, the craziest funhouse and scary clowns with sharp teeth popping up around every corner...I just retreated to fantasy land every chance I got...and I still do that to this day.... I love online dragon games. I love fantasy tv, art, books, you name it. Fantasy always has been and always will be, my escape from reality...

Sadness and pain indeed. It's a pain so huge and monsterous that I don't allow myself to ever think too hard about just how scary that level of pain is...God, what my mom's influence has done to my mind... It's the kind of pain that leaves you with two choices...break, or fight. One or the other. Taking steps in the right direction, doing positive, good things for yourself, making good decisions, are all the right steps... Getting over these parents is a life long, up hill battle. You're dealing with one of the biggest betrayals there ever will be. Because of this kind of up bringing, you will fight for survival every single day until someday, some long day down the road, you reach the summit of that pit and you finally start seeing the sun again.... It's a long, tough haul, a constant struggle for every inch of recovery and goodness, out of that hell... You need determination, will power and a spine of steel to climb out of this dark place... Nothing worth having is ever easy...

But there is light, lord yes.... Please... And I want more of it. I want normal. I want peace. That's all. Peace. For once.

Joan you are so important to all of us. What has helped me with dysfunctional family members is to try to take their power away from them and to me. Near the end with my mother I did not know that about 2 weeks later she would leave us-while on vacation when she yelled at me about using the AC I had a light bulb moment where I said to myself her remark does not hurt me-she has lost her power finally to make me feel bad-I detatched from her causing me pain-her severe dislike of me would never hurt me again and it didn't-the same with the husband near the end of his life -his dislike of me did not matter anymore that was freeing to me-maybe this thought can help others-it was hard fought and what I learned from all of you about narcissisctic people brought me out of darkness and self dislike to new knowledge of my worth.

Still trying to figure out how to properly detach and not the hit-or-miss kind. Even bought a book on it and never even opened it.