
Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
"...I would not be attending my father's funeral - if it were tomorrow, or any time soon. Its not his fault, it was mine. He hasn't changed, he's same selfish creep he's always been."
I get what you mean, I think, about your perhaps having been wrong to think he could change or might be different. But your fault? No. NOT your fault. Your rational, just and legitimate choice.
It makes me so happy to hear that you're planning your way back to health. Go go go! x
Welcome to our thread.
You childhood must have been very difficult, and if your mother didn't believe such a terrible event, this is beyond unbelievable! I too am an oldest daughter, and had many many challenges taking care of my parent's kids. Lot's of neglect too.
You are quite a strong woman to have taken on the task of caregiving definitely under the circumstances.
Well, you sound very clear about the fact that you do not want her in your home.
Congratulations for that, because many times many caregivers are very conflicted about this issue. I'm sure you could find a place where her needs would be met.
May I suggest also, that you try not to make it your responsibility that you think she will not behave, since it is followed by you not having a life. That is her choice.
You have choices too, remember. You may also want to read up about a narcissistic personality. Their behavior is tied up into making their victims feel, responsible, guilty and obligated. IMO, you sound on the threshold of not going there, but having the knowledge about these conditions will empower you. Do come back and share, read other's situations, as you will learn much here.
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Congratulations! You've really made some progress in your thinking.
I remember when you would post.....and given your stories, at some point I got it that you were very much in copasetic mode. But at some point as I'm sure you will agree that just doesn't work for some of us any more, does it?
Sometimes, I wanted to write more to you in the past, but I often felt that you were stuck to the idea that your family was going to behave differently with you, and that you were going out of your way to try to make things nice. I've done this. When we grow up in dysfunctional families, unfortunately the children who are relied upon the most, such as yourself (you cared for grandma), we aren't allowed a sense of self. Anyway, from your recent post, it sounds as if you've finally made some real head way here. You've done the best for your dad. When you find the proper place, he's going to be fine.
Rest, and real proud to hear you are looking at this at a very different angle!
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
My dad is just a stubborn, horses' bottom when it comes to asking him to make changes. My dad has been cooking - with a pan, burner, toaster, etc. - in his bedroom, and this last time he took off with bro he left pan on, burner on. I had a big mess to clean and its obviously fire hazard. I cleaned the room, and told bro to PLEASE help me explain to our dad why he can't COOK in his BEDROOM.
This is sort of a silly post, maybe. But my state of panic and the tears in my eyes tell me everything I need to know: I can't take this anymore. I'm tired of the battles and the disrespect. I'm tired of being blamed that I am not being more accommodating to my crazy father's way of life… after all, he was here (in the house) first.
Ok, just needed to vent. I've never been very trusting of anxiety or anti depressant meds, but Dr has me on Klonopin. I just took 2 of those suckers just now and hoping for the best, that when dad gets here in a little bit he won't throw violent tantrum when he sees I removed the burner and toaster. I hope it doesn't come to me having to report him, or call in outside help to deal with this issue… its an obvious fire hazard, but dad thinks he can do as he damn well pleases. And my other family backs him up on this, says that I am the problem, not him.
Thanks for your support and prayers. Its become an intolerable situation for me, although I tried so hard to do what I believed was the "right thing," the "loving thing."
Bro didn't do a thing to advance getting my father moved during past week while he had him in Indy, but I'm certain bro will be asking me what I've done about it. My answer? Nothing more. I'm doing not a darn thing more. I've done what I am willing to do. I still shovel the drive, clean the house, clean my father's clothes, buy food for him… I am still doing what I am willing to do. But no more increasing responsibilities, as if I somehow became default caregiver forever for my dad… and on ZERO financial help of any kind, by the way. I let that situation progress, I realize now. But its been so chaotic and crazy the entire time… there wasn't time to gain perspective, just to do, go forward, get through each new crisis.
So yeah, a few months of rest and I came out the other side with a new attitude. You know what pushed the line? I started having thoughts about hurting my father, or myself. I realized that that was such a cry for help from inside of me. So. I must go.
Deep breath. Only a few more months, maybe weeks, if I'm lucky, and I can feel again what its like to have peace in one's own home. I haven't felt that in a very long time.
(((HUGS)))
What is the title of the book you referred to on detaching?
I too am working on detaching. It takes work. I was doing more "hit & miss" when I first got advice on how detaching would help me deal with my mother's narcissist personality and with her Dementia. I think it detaching takes time. I think of it as protecting your mental and physically health. Detaching is the least thing I can do for myself considering I have made so many sacrifices and my life is on hold now.
Now I'm able to detach more consistently. I am still learning how to not let her behavior get to me, even when I am detaching. Reacting to her is not healthy so I walk away. However, I do have moments when it get's to me and I blow up.
This is so true: "when the sky does not fall you will feel empowered to continue".
Even though I am not getting paid, I do get to move into a single family home situation, with our 87 year old (as opposed to a noisy apartment) I will not have to pay rent, that will be paid by the estate, the other sides claim, that I am not a family member fell on deaf ears today, THEY SAID, " I SHOULD MOVE OUT FOR NOT CONTRIBUTING",(but I have paid my third share of rent and bills) the guardian, the GAL(said she continues to look better than she did two years ago when she was removed from AL(she was in friendship village) and the bank vice president reminded the lawyer(for the dysfunctional sibs, that 24/7 care costs $22.00 an hour or $ 250.00) our 87 year old was also awarded $1,000.00 a month allowance to cover her expenses per month...
A small victory, but a victory still the same...
Iwentanon~At least there was progress. Is there anyway you can do computer work from home giving you some income. I know you already have your hands full, if you go out grocery shopping...check into becoming a mystery shopper. We have them at my grocery store but I don't know how you become one...I have been told most ads are scams because they want you pay some $$ upfront.
If you remain in the same home as your father, by DEFAULT, the authorities will view you as his caregiver. If you walk out, knowing he was incompetent, you can be charged for elderly abuse. So, you need to figure out NOW what it is you want to do. If you stay longer, you will end up like me. No one will step in to help me. It’s not their problem. And they really do believe that.
Now, lecturing or trying to explain to him the Dangers of Cooking in the bedroom will not work. If he’s stubborn like my father, he knows best and we don’t. BUT, my father Will listen to MALES but not females. (Females know nothing.) I hope your brother did talk to him. Your father might listen more to a male than a female.
So, the Klonopin works? Maybe I can ask for that if I continue to feel this way.
Because I really need to learn to set boundaries, I spent a while on Amazon trying to find the right book. I don’t remember why I bought this book, but I chose a Real book (paperback) so that I can bend the pages, highlight it, and put stick it notes for easy finding… The book is “Boundaries” by Dr.Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townshend.
I really need to start learning to set boundaries. At the moment, I’ve been so frustrated with my life, that I’ve been losing my temper left and right. I’m not happy. I’m not satisfied with my “status quo” of my life. My thoughts are dark. And with the added worry of my follow-up mammo and the ultrasound next week, I am super stress out. Because at the moment, my father’s voice just sets me off, I really need a vacation or weekend off from him. Since that’s not going to happen any time soon, I better start learning to detach and not lose my temper.
Austin, Sharyn, thanks for the tips on setting boundaries. Sharyn, I think sis and I spoil father. One of us is Always in the room with 24 hours. I even sleep out here in the livingroom with him but I get the sofa bed. Just lastnight, he got angry at me. I lost my temper and gave it right back. He wanted me to turn off the TV but I need the TV to de-stress (and to drown out his tales of woes, which he repeats all day, all week, and months....) I lost it and told him that I can turn off the TV but I will go into my bedroom to watch it, then. I have left him alone for about 1 hour when I do my bi-weekly ironing. By 2 weeks, I have Lots of slacks/blouses to iron. Ironing is soooo relaxing.
Iwent - All right! Good for you! It's too bad that you don't get paid at least for something. So, how does the court expect you to pay off your loan? Are you allowed to find an outside parttime job, then? If not, then maybe you can send the loan officer to the court to re-write the decision.
Are you a beneficiary of the trust? Most trust documents permit withdrawal from the trust to pay for education.
Book-
It may be time to start on your bucket list by leaving the island. Seems you posted somewhere that you anticipate layoff this year. Have you started looking for something else? Maybe your time has come. Where would you go? I think you have a sister in Colorado, would you be able to tolerate the cold here or staying with her?
When my mom died last year, my relatives were shocked that I attended my mom's mass of intentions. Trust me, I felt sooooo guilty sitting in the church with all those statues. Although she was my mom, I did not want to be disrespectful by Obviously Not participating. So, I sat on the way back pew but I felt so Guilty. They will be doing mom's 1st anniversary, with the mass again. This time, I will not go. P.S.... I DID enjoy the Catholic masses but sure not worth the fear of "getting caught."
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend anyone by saying "non-believers." I'm also being torn about my religion.... what I believed at age 23 is not the same as what I believe at age 48. Know what I mean? Every thing seems to change when you're a caregiver full time. You see your true nature of your siblings.
Don't worry...spiritual leader is doing house visits trying to "encourage" me. =(
Iwent - glad something positive happened in court. Obviously the family do not care.
SA I think we all want peace - I too wonder what my life would have been like without my mother's influence. It is a long haul...
thx Austin - I am so glad there is a happy ending to your story
book - detaching is something I have had to work on, It doesn't happen all at once
“Boundaries” by Dr.Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townshend is great. Others here use it.
New2 - detaching is very valuable when dealing with the crazies. None of us do it perfectly
Sharyn - I am glad you are detaching from sis That was very inconsiderate.
Talk about feeling invisible to family - seems to happen like my sis deciding to move mother with no consultation with me though I have POA. Well, it didn't work for her. I put on my blue tights, my tuna cans, magic bracelets and the tiara. You have to go on the offensive sometimes. They seem to want you on the defensive.
Things happening with mother - I'll start another post for that.
Have a good night everyone.
,
I will make it a goal to read a few paragraphs of the Boundary book each day. I do much better visually. I think after I'm done doing his pampers (pretty soon), I will google for any YouTube videos on lectures of how or ways to detach and set boundary. I learn more that way than reading it.
Sharyn, I like to hear about your sis. It makes her real in my mind. I can just "see" her - and not just a flat person of no personality.
With regards to my oldest sis, she, too grew up from a dysfunctional childhood. She married an abusive husband. She married him to get out of home. that's just what my other 4 sisters did - marry/get pregnant and move out young - to leave our very dysfunctional home. Sis had a nervous breakdown when hubby divorced her. Landed her in the hospital. Then she went to therapy and came out hating our parents. For years, she would do her daughterly duties to visit for xmas, bdays, etc... but she rarely looked at our parents or talked to them. The anger/hatred was there for a long long time. When father had his stroke, she was the only one I could turn to - to come Mon-Friday to babysit both bedridden parents. I truly, truly did not think she would do it. Because she avoided them like the plague when she visited. So, I threw in - paying her - if she babysat. She has no job, no desire to get one, and is a chain smoker. I feel so bad for her. I hear her laughing hysterically in her room at nights. Or getting mad. Father.. if you all think what he does to me is bad? He is much much worse to her. He treats her like a Drudge. He tries to do that with me but... my temper flares and give it back to him as he dishes it to me. So, he knows he's safe to treat sis sooo badly - very bad - his tone of voice to her. I may get his physical blows, but she gets decimated by his verbal abuses. He has trained her so well {{this said in sadness.}}