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ABB - just this bit:

"...I would not be attending my father's funeral - if it were tomorrow, or any time soon. Its not his fault, it was mine. He hasn't changed, he's same selfish creep he's always been."

I get what you mean, I think, about your perhaps having been wrong to think he could change or might be different. But your fault? No. NOT your fault. Your rational, just and legitimate choice.

It makes me so happy to hear that you're planning your way back to health. Go go go! x
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Ocd,
Welcome to our thread.
You childhood must have been very difficult, and if your mother didn't believe such a terrible event, this is beyond unbelievable! I too am an oldest daughter, and had many many challenges taking care of my parent's kids. Lot's of neglect too.
You are quite a strong woman to have taken on the task of caregiving definitely under the circumstances.
Well, you sound very clear about the fact that you do not want her in your home.
Congratulations for that, because many times many caregivers are very conflicted about this issue. I'm sure you could find a place where her needs would be met.
May I suggest also, that you try not to make it your responsibility that you think she will not behave, since it is followed by you not having a life. That is her choice.
You have choices too, remember. You may also want to read up about a narcissistic personality. Their behavior is tied up into making their victims feel, responsible, guilty and obligated. IMO, you sound on the threshold of not going there, but having the knowledge about these conditions will empower you. Do come back and share, read other's situations, as you will learn much here.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Alison,
Congratulations! You've really made some progress in your thinking.
I remember when you would post.....and given your stories, at some point I got it that you were very much in copasetic mode. But at some point as I'm sure you will agree that just doesn't work for some of us any more, does it?
Sometimes, I wanted to write more to you in the past, but I often felt that you were stuck to the idea that your family was going to behave differently with you, and that you were going out of your way to try to make things nice. I've done this. When we grow up in dysfunctional families, unfortunately the children who are relied upon the most, such as yourself (you cared for grandma), we aren't allowed a sense of self. Anyway, from your recent post, it sounds as if you've finally made some real head way here. You've done the best for your dad. When you find the proper place, he's going to be fine.
Rest, and real proud to hear you are looking at this at a very different angle!

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Oh my… I may have made some progress in my thinking (aka, "seen the light") but I'm freaking out right now. Bro is on his way right now to bring my father back after few days of absence.

My dad is just a stubborn, horses' bottom when it comes to asking him to make changes. My dad has been cooking - with a pan, burner, toaster, etc. - in his bedroom, and this last time he took off with bro he left pan on, burner on. I had a big mess to clean and its obviously fire hazard. I cleaned the room, and told bro to PLEASE help me explain to our dad why he can't COOK in his BEDROOM.

This is sort of a silly post, maybe. But my state of panic and the tears in my eyes tell me everything I need to know: I can't take this anymore. I'm tired of the battles and the disrespect. I'm tired of being blamed that I am not being more accommodating to my crazy father's way of life… after all, he was here (in the house) first.

Ok, just needed to vent. I've never been very trusting of anxiety or anti depressant meds, but Dr has me on Klonopin. I just took 2 of those suckers just now and hoping for the best, that when dad gets here in a little bit he won't throw violent tantrum when he sees I removed the burner and toaster. I hope it doesn't come to me having to report him, or call in outside help to deal with this issue… its an obvious fire hazard, but dad thinks he can do as he damn well pleases. And my other family backs him up on this, says that I am the problem, not him.

Thanks for your support and prayers. Its become an intolerable situation for me, although I tried so hard to do what I believed was the "right thing," the "loving thing."

Bro didn't do a thing to advance getting my father moved during past week while he had him in Indy, but I'm certain bro will be asking me what I've done about it. My answer? Nothing more. I'm doing not a darn thing more. I've done what I am willing to do. I still shovel the drive, clean the house, clean my father's clothes, buy food for him… I am still doing what I am willing to do. But no more increasing responsibilities, as if I somehow became default caregiver forever for my dad… and on ZERO financial help of any kind, by the way. I let that situation progress, I realize now. But its been so chaotic and crazy the entire time… there wasn't time to gain perspective, just to do, go forward, get through each new crisis.

So yeah, a few months of rest and I came out the other side with a new attitude. You know what pushed the line? I started having thoughts about hurting my father, or myself. I realized that that was such a cry for help from inside of me. So. I must go.

Deep breath. Only a few more months, maybe weeks, if I'm lucky, and I can feel again what its like to have peace in one's own home. I haven't felt that in a very long time.

(((HUGS)))
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I know most fire departments are happy to give talks to school children. Wonder if they would think about doing the same for elders? Just an idea - it can't hurt to ask?
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That's a pretty good way to go with this, CM, if it comes to that. I was conjuring up all kinds of having to call different places/people to report if he won't come to his senses with this, but actually just having local fire in our little township say a word to him may just do the trick. Ok, that's a bright thought. We shall see how this goes. I feel I'm waiting to walk the plank or for my turn at guillotine or something, lol. Thank Heavens for the meds, I can laugh and not get too panicky. I'll get through it. : ) You guys are the best.
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To detatch take baby steps at first with the husband when he hollored an order I pretented I did not hear and sweetly said after a few min. oh did you call I was down the hall and did not hear you-take small steps and when the sky does not fall you will feel empowered to continue-Book with you Dad when he says mean things to you leave the room even if he is not fully dressed let him stew for a few minutes and maybe say I do not deserve to be treated that way or just say it to yourself-take away something he likes-if it costs him something he wants he may behave. I stoped taking the husband to my brother's house for affairs and one time he asked to go with me-I said no he replied I will behave this time I said no it is too late for that-I stopped taking him to church after a temper tantrum where he refused to get out of the car-I asked the elder to pick him up once a month-that never happened. Start small and with each success you will get your power back from him-he treats you like shit-that is probably why your family does not help-they see how he acts to you and they do not want any of that-he only has you to care for him-your sister may be there but she does not do everything that needs to be done when there.
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BookLuvr,
What is the title of the book you referred to on detaching?
I too am working on detaching. It takes work. I was doing more "hit & miss" when I first got advice on how detaching would help me deal with my mother's narcissist personality and with her Dementia. I think it detaching takes time. I think of it as protecting your mental and physically health. Detaching is the least thing I can do for myself considering I have made so many sacrifices and my life is on hold now.
Now I'm able to detach more consistently. I am still learning how to not let her behavior get to me, even when I am detaching. Reacting to her is not healthy so I walk away. However, I do have moments when it get's to me and I blow up.
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195Austin,
This is so true: "when the sky does not fall you will feel empowered to continue".
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UPDATE...Court was today...UPDATE

Even though I am not getting paid, I do get to move into a single family home situation, with our 87 year old (as opposed to a noisy apartment) I will not have to pay rent, that will be paid by the estate, the other sides claim, that I am not a family member fell on deaf ears today, THEY SAID, " I SHOULD MOVE OUT FOR NOT CONTRIBUTING",(but I have paid my third share of rent and bills) the guardian, the GAL(said she continues to look better than she did two years ago when she was removed from AL(she was in friendship village) and the bank vice president reminded the lawyer(for the dysfunctional sibs, that 24/7 care costs $22.00 an hour or $ 250.00) our 87 year old was also awarded $1,000.00 a month allowance to cover her expenses per month...

A small victory, but a victory still the same...
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Book and Alison~More on detaching though you have been given great info from Austin, I found with my mother, she would get angry, hang up on me, say very hurtful accusations, and name calling, but after a few weeks, she would get over it. Of course, I did not live with her and that does make a difference. I agree that when you live with them, leave the room, go outside if necessary, and if your parent can be left along for an hour or 2, leave for that time frame.
Iwentanon~At least there was progress. Is there anyway you can do computer work from home giving you some income. I know you already have your hands full, if you go out grocery shopping...check into becoming a mystery shopper. We have them at my grocery store but I don't know how you become one...I have been told most ads are scams because they want you pay some $$ upfront.
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I just want to add that I am currently detaching from my sister. I am not emailing her or asking her if she knows how the estate liquidators are coming along...nothing from me. The final straw for me was when my sister knew 2 days in advance that our mothers facility was on lock down due to a virus...they do not want us to visit right now. It may be the Noro Virus that is very contagious and is common in facilities. They are on lock down by the health department. My sister should have emailed me about this before mom's birthday because she knew I was going to visit mom. First I was going to take mom to lunch, which I told my sis that was my plan. How can I take mom to lunch when sis was taking her out for a late brunch at 10am. Sis had them escort mom out of the facility so she could take her out. In light of that,. I decided I would visit with mom, bring Midget with me, go for walk weather permitting and bring her her favorite cookies.Because I did not know about the virus, I was not allowed to stay. If it situation were that I knew 2 days in advance, I would have emailed my sis to inform of this. My sis only thinks about how she does things and that everyone is like her plus with her health issues, she would think I was only thinking about her safety. I guess to her I am invincible and can handle the exposure?? As a result, I have not made any attempt to email or call her. She has not made any attempt to call or email me either. When and if she does contact me, I will tell her I am angry that she did not give me the courtesy of informing me of something that is important to all of us.
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Lwen, good news! Did she not have access to her money before? Was there termination of POA or trustee position?
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ABB, I agree when your thoughts start leaning towards him/yourself, it’s time to deal with the situation. Don’t let it fester on like me. If you have plans of leaving your father/home, you need to do it now – while he’s still mentally competent. Find an apartment nearby, and a job. Visit your father. When he gets really bad, you can then call APS on him. No guaranty that they will step in. I’ve read here on AC that sometimes they will only interfere when the elderlies’ home is very filthy and unhygienic, and they lost so much weight from not eating or … almost burned down the house (as in caused a fire in the kitchen.)

If you remain in the same home as your father, by DEFAULT, the authorities will view you as his caregiver. If you walk out, knowing he was incompetent, you can be charged for elderly abuse. So, you need to figure out NOW what it is you want to do. If you stay longer, you will end up like me. No one will step in to help me. It’s not their problem. And they really do believe that.

Now, lecturing or trying to explain to him the Dangers of Cooking in the bedroom will not work. If he’s stubborn like my father, he knows best and we don’t. BUT, my father Will listen to MALES but not females. (Females know nothing.) I hope your brother did talk to him. Your father might listen more to a male than a female.

So, the Klonopin works? Maybe I can ask for that if I continue to feel this way.
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New2 – I have sooo many self-help books. I was desperate on trying to help me, the person, that I bought the book “Loving Someone who has Dementia.” I didn’t get to finish it. I’m still in the early chapters but that book helped me to realize that I had already mourned the mother I will never get to know. I got that book as an Ebook.

Because I really need to learn to set boundaries, I spent a while on Amazon trying to find the right book. I don’t remember why I bought this book, but I chose a Real book (paperback) so that I can bend the pages, highlight it, and put stick it notes for easy finding… The book is “Boundaries” by Dr.Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townshend.

I really need to start learning to set boundaries. At the moment, I’ve been so frustrated with my life, that I’ve been losing my temper left and right. I’m not happy. I’m not satisfied with my “status quo” of my life. My thoughts are dark. And with the added worry of my follow-up mammo and the ultrasound next week, I am super stress out. Because at the moment, my father’s voice just sets me off, I really need a vacation or weekend off from him. Since that’s not going to happen any time soon, I better start learning to detach and not lose my temper.

Austin, Sharyn, thanks for the tips on setting boundaries. Sharyn, I think sis and I spoil father. One of us is Always in the room with 24 hours. I even sleep out here in the livingroom with him but I get the sofa bed. Just lastnight, he got angry at me. I lost my temper and gave it right back. He wanted me to turn off the TV but I need the TV to de-stress (and to drown out his tales of woes, which he repeats all day, all week, and months....) I lost it and told him that I can turn off the TV but I will go into my bedroom to watch it, then. I have left him alone for about 1 hour when I do my bi-weekly ironing. By 2 weeks, I have Lots of slacks/blouses to iron. Ironing is soooo relaxing.

Iwent - All right! Good for you! It's too bad that you don't get paid at least for something. So, how does the court expect you to pay off your loan? Are you allowed to find an outside parttime job, then? If not, then maybe you can send the loan officer to the court to re-write the decision.
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Lwen-
Are you a beneficiary of the trust? Most trust documents permit withdrawal from the trust to pay for education.

Book-
It may be time to start on your bucket list by leaving the island. Seems you posted somewhere that you anticipate layoff this year. Have you started looking for something else? Maybe your time has come. Where would you go? I think you have a sister in Colorado, would you be able to tolerate the cold here or staying with her?
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Can't. Obligations.
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Just being here, on this site, is a No-No. I do a lot of no-nos. But, abandoning the parent is a Big No-No. I can't do that. I can disobey on the smaller things but not the big ones... to a point. If I feel that this site is corrupting my morals (what's left of it with all these decades of caregiving...), I am obligated to quit here. So far, so good. Would I "confess" that I'm on an online forum with "non-believers" to my spiritual leaders? Heck, No!!! If they ask me specifically, then I must tell them. If they don't ask, then I don't volunteer - as long as my conscience is okay with it...so far, so good. ... Thanks, for brainstorming. Midnight here. Time to dry my hair and go to sleep. night....
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non believers, book???? I am a believer and some others here are.
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I'm not saying a word. I don't want Book self-excluding from the forum. Book, we love you xxx
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Book, non believers I don't think that is possible and be a caregiver. There is no one else to turn to. Everyone spends time on their knee,. sometimes it is praying other just cleaning the bathroom floor, or even both. There can not be any sin in helping others and that surely is what you are doing by contributing.
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Thanks, for understanding. I have always struggled with THAT teaching. Even when I was age 23, I absolutely Refused to give up my relationship with my fave sis, who is a Catholic. My whole family are Catholics. I always cringed when I would attend our "spiritual food" and they talk about separating ourselves from non-believers. I always felt so guilty when I would run into a fellow believer when I'm out shopping/eating with sis and her family.

When my mom died last year, my relatives were shocked that I attended my mom's mass of intentions. Trust me, I felt sooooo guilty sitting in the church with all those statues. Although she was my mom, I did not want to be disrespectful by Obviously Not participating. So, I sat on the way back pew but I felt so Guilty. They will be doing mom's 1st anniversary, with the mass again. This time, I will not go. P.S.... I DID enjoy the Catholic masses but sure not worth the fear of "getting caught."

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend anyone by saying "non-believers." I'm also being torn about my religion.... what I believed at age 23 is not the same as what I believe at age 48. Know what I mean? Every thing seems to change when you're a caregiver full time. You see your true nature of your siblings.

Don't worry...spiritual leader is doing house visits trying to "encourage" me. =(
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Book, I had previously held a belief that there was a way to deal with all negative emotions - through talking it out with a girlfriend, or going for a run, etc. In caregiving, though, I found myself with these intensely bad feelings of anxiety, panic, worry, anger, etc., etc. You know what I'm talking about. Well, I didn't know anything, really, about Klonopin, but for me - and just speaking about my own personal experience - it has given me ability to stop the panic and worry and take a step back and view the situation from my more logical brain. I think if there wasn't such an overload of bad emotions, at times, that are present when we are live in, full time caregivers to abusive and negative people, that maybe we could "work things out" without the meds. But I see now that I NEED to be able to take that emotional step back and gain control of my emotions. Detaching is part of this, I think, the medication just helps do it inside of my head automatically, if that makes sense? I wouldn't be so presumptuous as to say what is right for anyone else, but I'm personally thankful for the tool of medication to help keep things in perspective right now.
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Bro never showed yesterday with dad, never called either. I guess I just sit around and wait to see if they show up. This is the kind of thing that happens all too often. Family just acting as if my time and life are irrelevant. I try not to offend easily, and really, I'm not so much offended as I am bewildered by these people I'm related to. I sent texts/emails trying to see if there was new plan or timeframe for return? No answer. Sigh.
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Alison-you sound like me with my sister...same kind of situation.
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It’s the mentality that we don’t have a job (or if we do, it’s not as important as theirs) and therefore they think nothing of not updating/relieving us. I have a low paying job but I have the flexibility to call the boss at home and say that I cannot come to work today because I need to take my father to the ER or clinic, etc..
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Alison, I think you are very wise to be cautious about your mum. Glad you can et the guilt go and know that the caring may have to be done at a distance. I agree with cm - re your father - it is not your fault. I am concerned that your bro is not going to do anything about moving your dad. Have you planned how you are going to make your exit? I would not rely on your bro - I think he is happy to have you there and he hadn't shown much consideration for you. In your own interests I think I would look for places for your dad, and set a deadline when you have set things up for yourself when you are going to leave. Have you talked to the local Agency on Aging and/or Social Services about how you are feeling? You definitely need some help and support and your family doesn't give it to you. I doubt that you can rely on bro. Glad the meds is helping.

Iwent - glad something positive happened in court. Obviously the family do not care.

SA I think we all want peace - I too wonder what my life would have been like without my mother's influence. It is a long haul...

thx Austin - I am so glad there is a happy ending to your story

book - detaching is something I have had to work on, It doesn't happen all at once
“Boundaries” by Dr.Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townshend is great. Others here use it.
New2 - detaching is very valuable when dealing with the crazies. None of us do it perfectly

Sharyn - I am glad you are detaching from sis That was very inconsiderate.

Talk about feeling invisible to family - seems to happen like my sis deciding to move mother with no consultation with me though I have POA. Well, it didn't work for her. I put on my blue tights, my tuna cans, magic bracelets and the tiara. You have to go on the offensive sometimes. They seem to want you on the defensive.
Things happening with mother - I'll start another post for that.
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ocd -wondering how you are. I know you are in a nearly impossible situation. Know we are rooting for you. Come back and let us know how you are. (((((((hugs))))))
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Joan~I have to detach from my sister, I am seeing to many warning flags of the personality issues and self importance showing more and more. 1) Others are responsible for her well being and must accommodate her needs. 2) Her job is more important and her employer can't get by without her in addition, to that her job is her social life. 3) Her weekends are just that...don't bother her because she has things to do... I could go on but do not want to get into a full blown rant, LOL!!

Have a good night everyone.
,
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ABB, I put the name Klonopin on my cell phone notes. If I can just remember it when I see the doc about my follow-up blood tests/mammo, etc.. I think I really do need some kind of meds. Still have reservation about it but...

I will make it a goal to read a few paragraphs of the Boundary book each day. I do much better visually. I think after I'm done doing his pampers (pretty soon), I will google for any YouTube videos on lectures of how or ways to detach and set boundary. I learn more that way than reading it.

Sharyn, I like to hear about your sis. It makes her real in my mind. I can just "see" her - and not just a flat person of no personality.

With regards to my oldest sis, she, too grew up from a dysfunctional childhood. She married an abusive husband. She married him to get out of home. that's just what my other 4 sisters did - marry/get pregnant and move out young - to leave our very dysfunctional home. Sis had a nervous breakdown when hubby divorced her. Landed her in the hospital. Then she went to therapy and came out hating our parents. For years, she would do her daughterly duties to visit for xmas, bdays, etc... but she rarely looked at our parents or talked to them. The anger/hatred was there for a long long time. When father had his stroke, she was the only one I could turn to - to come Mon-Friday to babysit both bedridden parents. I truly, truly did not think she would do it. Because she avoided them like the plague when she visited. So, I threw in - paying her - if she babysat. She has no job, no desire to get one, and is a chain smoker. I feel so bad for her. I hear her laughing hysterically in her room at nights. Or getting mad. Father.. if you all think what he does to me is bad? He is much much worse to her. He treats her like a Drudge. He tries to do that with me but... my temper flares and give it back to him as he dishes it to me. So, he knows he's safe to treat sis sooo badly - very bad - his tone of voice to her. I may get his physical blows, but she gets decimated by his verbal abuses. He has trained her so well {{this said in sadness.}}
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