The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Book~When you say non believers, I know you mean non members of your church. Your sister has been through a lot like my sister. Well, I was doing good getting my back in shape rotating ice and heat...yesterday it felt really good. Now, it feels like one big spasm on my right side. Calling off work this time, can't work like this. I wish I had a vicodine!

Sharynmarie, I wasn't expecting much of it but slapped some diclofenac emulgel on my back when I twanged it last week - blooming miraculous, I was amazed. I'm sure it depends on what you've done, but hope this might be worth a try? Be careful with diclofenac, I'm not suggesting taking it orally except on medical advice, but in that formula it worked a treat for me.

Bookluvr,
It's interesting that you seem to give these people around you, now I'm talking about your siblings that they consider themselves such "believers." I've learned in my own lifetime...I've been raised Catholic, too. But sometimes unfortunately, these kind of believers employ a great disparity between the religious dogma,
THEIR skewed interpretations, and their horrible deeds. There's nothing as far as I can see that's part of genuine Catholicism and your siblings deciding to become greedy and keep this money you wrote about when your mom died.
Even if you personally feel as if you have gone by the wayside w/in your religion, you still honor your parent, by the obligation and the good that you do for your father, despite the challenges. Heck, your siblings for instance can say all they want, put on airs about being Catholics. But their action truly reek of hypocrisy. Try to recognize that, because I keep hearing a lot of jguilt coming from the way you are analyzing your own contributions about caregiving.

About the detachment......if you think that between you and your sister you're spoiling your dad, nothing is going to happen to him if you opt to sleep in your own bedroom. Honestly, I take my hate off to all caregivers, but definitely for those of you who live w/them, the detaching has to be really like a discipline.
If tv makes you unwind.....then you do have to put that on as the priority in the bigger pic w/your dad, instead of giving in to him, and his endless demands. A little indifference can go a long way!
O.K., big, big hugs,

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Bookluvr,
Sorry, something happened before I could proof my post, then suddenly whamo, it appeared. I meant to say, actions, and "I take my hat off, not hate, sorry about that.
Margeaux

Book,

Good golly Ms. Molly, "jguilt," that's a total typo.
Margeaux

"Diclofenac emulgel"? I have a bad spasm in lower middle back the goes off at night and won't let me sleep. But I've never heard of a topical by this name… I suppose I could Google and come up with answers, but more fun to ask you, CM, what the heck is diclofenec emulgel? I think its just fun to say the name… ok, I'm jazzed up on my morning coffee again. :D

ABB, usual brand name here is - tsk, it'll come to me… - Voltarol. Hope it hasn't been banned in the States, or something… I'll have a look.

Well, non-believers covers a lot of ground. I believe in God and I have read some major religious books such as Old Testament, New Testament, Torah, Koran and they ALL say to live a clean life, protect widows and orphans and avoid non-believers. They all mention angels as messengers, they all warn that evil resides where you least expect it. I was raised Roman Catholic, but at the advanced age of 62, I want you to believe in my humanity and not judge me by my ritual.

Pennsaid, seems to be diclofenac's topical formulation's brand name in the US. If you look it up you'll probably refuse to handle it unless you're wearing lead-lined gloves… You might need a px to get it, or ask your pharmacist. The big hoo-ha is mainly about increased risk of heart attack in patients with an existing vulnerability, but if your heart is fine and you're not swallowing the stuff I'd still say it's worth a go.

I was prescribed a modified release tablet about ten years ago to treat RSI/carpel tunnel syndrome; but stopped pretty promptly. It helped my wrist but the side effects (bleeding from the b.t.m.) were a bit alarming... :/

Voltaren Gel is by RX only here in the US. My insurance won't cover anything unless a generic. I do agree CM, it is a fantastic drug for reducing inflammation without the side effects of taking it orally. I used it in the past for tendonitis and plantar fascitis. I have been dealing with this in my back for about a week, had it well under control then last night at work, I felt a twinge again. I think it may be a pulled muscle (really not sure), 600mg of motrin, rotating ice and heat is all I can do, dr will only give muscle relaxers which knock me out completely.

Margeaux, when mom was alive and bedridden, I installed a baby monitor and slept in my room. I have mentioned to you all of our local beliefs - strong beliefs - of our ancient ancestors spirits dwelling with us, following us off-island if we move one-way from home. Our house has 2 rooms that I have described as "dead" room and "haunted" room. Of the 2, I always feel unwelcomed in the "dead" room. The "haunted" room is the scary room. I, my family and even in-laws - feel uncomfortable in it, our hairs raise up, and we usually rush through it. Fave niece absolutely refuses to go thru that room. I have learned at an early age to Hold my pee in at nights to avoid going thru those rooms to get to the bathroom.

One night, the monitor came on with mom struggling to breathe. I figured she was choking on her saliva/phlegm, and rushed out to the livingroom. She was sleeping quietly. I HATED having to go back thru the uncomfortable hallway and the haunted room to get to my bedroom. I got on my bed. A few minutes later, mom was struggling to breathe (harsh breathing/choking), I jumped off the bed and ran into the livingroom. Again, she was sleeping very quietly. No gasping, no hitching of breathe. Again, I forced myself to go thru those rooms. I was puzzling over this. Finally, when the Third time she was choking, a light bulb popped in my head. Darn! I was sooo terrified, I prayed to God to please let the monitor stop when I Unplug it from the wall. (I watched enough scary movies to know that the sound can continue to come out of the monitor - even if unplugged.)

Years later, fave sis got her first grandchild. I gave them a baby monitor. Freaked them out at nights - because noises came out of the monitor - not only at nights, but even the day time. Monitor got thrown out.

For me to sleep in my bedroom at night, we need a monitor. I cannot hear him from my room. I absolutely refuse to get a monitor. {{shudder}} I will continue to sleep in the livingroom. BUT, I sure miss sleeping in my bedroom! =)

Sharyn - I have seen that in your sis since I knew you on AC. Maybe it is getting worse as sis ages and is ill, though I remember about the week ends some time ago. It is all about her. I am so sorry that you are having all this physical pain too. The stress hits us one way or another. I want pics on f b of your crocheting!

book - I do think that meds could help you. It is terrible how your dad treats you and your sis. Very sad. Glad you are getting through some of the boundary book. I find it easier to listen to readings if I can get the audio. As far as beliefs go we all have them and I suspect most of us have had some changes in our beliefs over the years. I am not a ritual or a denominational person. For me it is a matter of the heart and communication between me and God as I understand Him

Margeaux - I agree that book deserves to have time for herself and the tv to unwind - maybe even needs more than deserves, but that too.

cm - glad the emulgel worked - bad backs are very hard to take.

Alison - take care of your back - you are far too young for those problems. Any word from bro??? Another inconsiderate sib!!!

pst - yes "non-believers" covers a lot of ground. I think that our daily lives reflect our beliefs.

update on mother - Monday had a long chat with the psychiatrist, and today with the social worker. They asked if I had any questions. I did - basically what lies ahead for mother. Answer - It will depend on the outcome of some in-depth testing - OT for physical functioning and psychological for cognition, looking to see if there is any underlying disease process affecting the paranoia. I doubt there is but I know they have to check. Non compliance re the meds is pretty common for someone with mother's problems. The psych doc also asked me some history re mother and I found dredging up some of those memories a bit gut wrenching and I have been tearful off and on since. I think they have copies of all the paper work they need - POA, PD etc., other than the Goals of Care which is a newer tiered version of the old DNR where you choose level of care e.g. ICU or not and so on. I will send my kids each a copy and ask for their input as well as Gary's. I think we will be at the lowest level or one next to it. If she gets an infection I think it should be treated, but not much more than that. The Social Worker just called again to confirm some things and find out about other levels of care at mother's ALF. I told her what I knew and she will talk to them to get more details.

So it is moving, but slowly which is fine. The test results for level of functioning from the OT will come fairly quickly - maybe by the time I see them on the 25th, but the psychological testing is backed up, so will not happen for a while and then the results need to be written up, so mother will be in there for some time I think. That gives me a break.

One thing, the social worker said today which hit home, was that the mentally ill person goes their merry way and leaves family to pick up the pieces and deal with the mess. Truth with a capital T! I know lots of you will identify with that. I also told her that I would not be having much contact with mother as the past months have been hard on me and I had to look after myself.

She agreed totally and emphasized it - so all of you out there - we have it officially - we have to take care of ourselves.

In line with that, I saw my new doc, got a prescription I needed and he checked my BP and weight and said both should come down. BP is up about 15 points, and weight up about 10 lbs from last summer. neither is surprising. So it is time to reduce stress and concentrate on my health. I cry too easily these days. Saw the bank lady and had the mail redirected to me. She s always so helpful and supportive, so I cried on the way home.

Gary says holidays are in March - not sure when, but the cruise part is the Bahamas. Woo Hoo! Good motivation to lose the lbs The land part is in Florida. So things are looking up. Even having the crazy phone calls stop is a big help. Having professionals working to get things going right is an enormous help. One deals with this stuff alone, most of one's life as you all know.

Snowing again, but no wind when I was out which helps. Supposed to be warming up, I'll believe it when I see it or when March arrives, but we are counting weeks now before the end of the bitter cold. Another winter survived.

Take care all and look after you,

For all those muscular aches and pains, try Biofreeze. It is hard to find here, I've only seen it in chiropractors or physical therapy offices. Prescription is not needed, it is along the lines of Bengay, but keep it away from the elders so they don't brush their teeth with it. I love Biofreeze, wouldn't use anything else now. Also, do a google search for Theracane, it is shaped like, you guessed it a cane, about 2 feet long, green plastic, that is excellent to use for releasing all those pinched nerves I often get in my neck and shoulders. It is absolutely magical.

Sharyn, I'm not familiar of your pain and what causes it. I'm wondering... Have you tried searching (online?) for Natural ways of preventing it? For example, someone I know flew on a long flight from Japan to the West Coast. Upon arrival, her back was in so much pain, she could barely walk. The whole time she was on vacation and going to Disneyland (her young son was with them), she was on the wheelchair with severe backpain. They saw a chiropractor. And then she saw a medical doctor. He gave her 2 options - back surgery or exercise to strengthen her back. But, he thought that the surest way to rid of her pain was surgery. So, she spoke to people and found out that several of her friends had the back surgery and their pain came back again. In the end, she saw a sports doctor who showed her some very good exercises she can do to strengthen her back. Although, the norm is to have back surgery, she did the Alternative method.

Can this also be the case with your situation? I always get legs cramps at nights. I stretch in my sleep and then wake up with severe cramps. I recall googling info and found some very good tips to avoid this. I need to refresh my memory because it's baaaaack.

Emjo, to me, in my mind, you are such a strong person. When I read that you've been crying off and on, I realized how much stress you must have been going through with regards to your mother. I think, too, that to have to constantly face her and her personality, was bringing back memories you thought were in the past. These memories have a habit of popping up when we don't want it to. I'm soooo glad that you both will be going on a cruise! {{Hugs}} !!!!

Thx book These past months - really since the summer - have been increasingly stressful as mother's paranoia has increased.Then my sister's interference and abuse has ramped up the stress considerably since November. Add onto that my girlfriend dying at Christmas, and my ex's health deteriorating, two major people in my support system, and it is not surprising. I am strong but everyone has their breaking point and I have been getting too close to mine. I wont break. I'll do something to prevent it, but as you know, it is not nice getting that close.

One thing about mother's paranoid accusations, which has surprised me, is that I realised that they are not too different from the accusations I have had all my life. Her ideas and thoughts are bizarre, but the accusations in the past were as senseless as now in terms of what I had supposedly done to deserve them. It brought me back to one of my earliest childhood memories of playing with my toys and mother descending upon me like the wrath of God, furious with me about something, my sister standing behind her with this little smile, and me wondering what I had done to deserve this. This pattern has been repeated again and again and again and was in the past few months with my sister's visit and the fallout.

Part of my stress is also coming from what I anticipate is coming from sis and perhaps from mother as the changes that are coming occur. If mother remains medicated her reactions should be muted. I am covering my butt, as regards my sister's branch of the family by keeping my nephew - her son - informed about what is happening, but sparing myself by not communicating with sis. Her son is somewhat estranged from his mother and will not pass info on to her. He has a very good understanding about how nasty she is.

Thankfully my BP is back to normal this morning, but it would be good to get it lower, which I can do, then when I get upset it won't go so high. When I weighed myself this morning I was only 5 lbs not 10 more. I had an extra layer of clothing on yesterday because of the cold, and morning weight is lower and when I usually weigh myself, so 5 more than last summer. Would not do me any harm to lose 10 to 15 lbs and I will aim at that. Both those things make me feel better as they are not as bad as I thought yesterday, (((((hugs)))) to you.

Wow... your sister never changed from childhood, also.

Emjo, one damn thing after another… periods of life when it feels like that are tough to get through. But it's hard to think of anything to say that you don't already know better than the rest of us. Your strength is indeed an example, especially as you also allow yourself private time to deal with grief and feelings of vulnerability. We're all watching and learning!

Book, I don't think people do change, in general, very much, do they? - except, perhaps, when they have cathartic or life-altering experiences and the good fortune to be able to learn from those? But, on the other hand, I think the other thing that tends not to change - unless we MAKE it happen - is our own perception of other people. My sister bullied me, relentlessly. She had her reasons. When I was small of course I didn't understand them, I just knew she seemed to hate me and I couldn't fathom what I'd done. Now I do understand, better than I did anyway. Her perception of me - spoiled, selfish, useless, irresponsible, idiotic, sneaky, whiney, unreliable, untruthful (nice image to have reflected back at me, isn't it?!) - hasn't changed since the days when she was a neglected older child/teenager and I was a baby/primary schooler: she's got no motivation to see me any differently. But my understanding of why she's so hostile to me makes it much easier for me to deflect her. God knows it still winds me up often enough, but not all the time and not so painfully. I admit it's a great comfort to think that, in due time, I'll never have to deal with her again unless - for some reason I can't imagine at the moment! - I choose to. I still regret the waste, but it doesn't upset me any more.

Well, met with the conservator yesterday, very interesting, indeed. Sibling POA has done a very good job of providing moms financial information, claiming poverty for mom but forgot one thing. Mom's IRA account which is about 1/3 of moms net worth. Unbelieveable! The mandatory distributions from the IRA are approximately equal to moms monthly income from retirement pay and social security. So mom's income is double what sis claimed it was! Makes me feel like they need me there to insure my suspicions are investigated and resolved.

Re: non believers....as for me I vacillate. I would like to believe there is a spark of divine in all ...some of us perhaps, do not know "who" we are. Anyway, bottom line if there is nothing just us atoms and molecules...I want to be the best I can be for the greater good. So....therefore...Namaste. Oliveoyl

Emjo, sorry you have to have old wounds open up and have salt put on them......Must cause must anxiety..... hope you can sleep......
When you spoke about the DNR, it brought to mind a situation. Just wanted to make sure others know they need to have a copy of DNR on person/in car in the event someone goes into cardiac arrest. The rescue squad may legally have to perform CPR if there is no paperwork to validate there is a DNR.

Sharynmarie and Alison,

What's going on with our backs? I too am having a weird flareup.
I stupidly fell asleep on our worn out couch the other night.
Then we've this futon bed, and the frame is very weird. My husband and me have to rotate the futon mattress couple times a month. He's been very stubborn about changing this bed. But lately it's bothering his spine, too.
Yikes! Anyway my pain is in the right shoulder blade area, but feel it's probably generating from my lower back. I'm going to take something today, plus I have some stress right now going on, re: some upcoming work. So have got to whip this body into shape, even if I have to take an anti-inflammatory.
But also, when we're like this, it's good to avoid the inflammatory foods. Looks like it's going to be a carrot soup w/some ginger and tumeric for me, today.

Let's get better,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

On a different questions through this site, I answered something about OCDs and wrote/said, that I believed these things (anxiety and other rituals) were always apart of them, but were manifest in other-ways or internal dialogue, that they now with Dementia/ALZ cannot control anymore, rituals that served them well, just go a rye, I am so sorry that this happens to people even the ones that were abusive to us when we were younger, does make the caregiving more difficult, I agree, and
hopefully there will be something, that can be done so your health will not be taxed, stress can cause strokes, people and we do not need to ruin our lives, if we can find a way to detox....i wish you all well my foot surgery is tomorrow, I will be non-weight bearing for a while and my computer is no where near my bedroom. Like the Namaste...

So, this talk about aches and pains, and more specifically the really painful spasms we can get, has got me thinking… about what has and hasn't worked for me over the years. I may be only 38 (39 next week, woohoo!), but I've had problems with rigid muscles, weak spots, spasms, things that send me to bed for days. I don't know why exactly, different chiros and masseuses have said different things. I've bought many a device to stretch out or ease my back, only one worked, and worked like a charm - just like the Theracane that Glad mentioned - which btw, I'm going to look into that, Glad, because I do believe there are certain devices out there that work and I'm grateful to come across one. Most devices don't work for me. The one device I found that worked very well was inexpensive, a piece of triangular shaped blue plastic that you placed under where spine meets pelvis and you laid on it. I don't know the name and have tried for years to find it again! I am so sad that I had my "trick" device that did work, but left it behind when I came to caregive, and all the research on the internet has yielded nothing… I simply can't figure out what the name was or who sold it, darn it!

Ok, besides the once-in-awhile useful device or meds, topical or oral, I do know that when I am exercising, I experience less muscle spasms. So have to agree with book that finding exercises that strengthen and flex those muscles groups that bother you are key to finding relief.

This is very much on my mind since last night I got very little quality sleep because when I turn over, I'm activating this extremely painful spasm deep in lower back.

There is this one particular video on YouTube, Dr Melissa West beginner yoga video, where she shows you how to stretch your legs and back using a strap. I find that if I will do those slow, deep stretches, I can heal the problem areas.

Also Epsom salt baths or just taking Magnesium supplement orally. I had one Spring around '05 where every other week I was injuring a spasm in my back and was pretty much bedridden. Massage gal said take magnesium supplement. I did and spasm stopped and didn't return… until times like recently where I'm not taking supplement regularly anymore. :)

Ok, just thought I would share what is in my arsenal of things I battle my pains with. Hope everyone has good day!

Margeaux, LOVE the tumeric! Ever since I discovered it was anti-inflammatory, and since its flavor is so mild, I put it on EVERYTHING. : ) I do recommend to friends to use as well.

book - no sis has not changed. In fact she has gotten more openly nasty. Before she used to trigger mother to be nasty to me, now she is doing it herself. Then she changes like the wind and is "charming" when it suits her and I am supposed to forget about the nasty - as others here have mentioned about their parent. Alison and Barb and maybe others mentioned never knowing what you were going to face. She turns it off and on like a tap, depending on her motives I guess.

cm - a friend on the phone mentioned the other day, that when things start to get better, when you start to feel some relief, that is when the tears flow and I find that true. We need to feel out feelings and we need a safe place/space to do that. While mother was getting worse and so solution coming it was not safe. I am sorry about your sister. I saw a cousin do that to his younger brother and the effects it left were lasting and very negative. The parents did nothing to intervene either.

glad - WOW - double the income. That should make a difference. POA sis sure wants to hang onto the money doesn't she? At least the conservator is onto it.

hi olive - when I was very young in my faith I figured it couldn't hurt to be the best I could even if there was no "eternal reward". Peace to you

norest - thx I am sleeping better, as the immediate anxiety of what to do about mother has abated. The rest is grieving the losses, the abused child, the hurts - feeling the feelings, about the past but also about the present where I am having to make critical decisions for mother, and for the future. When mother was getting worse and worse I think I shut down to a degree for protection, though the anxiety grew. Now I can let it all out. I will ask about the DNR and the ambulance when I see the team on the 25th. I suppose it is the same here in Canada.

Margeaux - I am sorry about your back. A good mattress and pillows are so important. My neck was bothering me last year so I got a new pillow and that did the trick. It was not expensive at all. Carrot soup with ginger and turmeric sounds great. I put turmeric in soups too and generally have a pretty anti-inflammatory diet.

iwent -yes, alz does make things worse. Mother's paranoia is managing to get worse without dementia so she is not typical. I believe it is related to her personality disorder and it does add to our stress. Having mother in hospital and knowing that she will not be released to go back to how she was is a major improvement and helps to decrease stress, You are right we do not need to ruin out lives. Good luck with the foot surgery. I would not be happy to be without my computer/lifeline Take care.

Blessings to all and do something good for you today.

alison - do you think some of your muscle tension comes from stress? I wholeheartedly believe in exercise as a solution for lots of things. If you strengthen the muscle around a joint you stress the joint less, and if you exercise and stretch the muscle it is less likely to spasm. I know magnesium works for some. Hope you start back on it and find it helps. And, of course, there is getting to the root of the stress and dealing with it. I have been thinking about your situation, and as much as I understand you not wanting to do more, I have my doubts that bro will assist you to get out of caregiving. It fits his needs too well. You may be on your own - not fair, I know, but if your goal is to leave this life and regain your autonomy, you may have to. Is there a local Agency for Aging and Social Services handy? They should be able to help. I cannot emphasize enough that getting professionals involved has made the difference for me. They are slowly taking over the burden, and dealing with things that need to be dealt with - things that I cannot do without their help.

On a happy note, a gal from many life times ago connected with me on f b. She was part of an interesting time on my life, in my 20s, and a very nice person. I have thought of her over the years and am pleased to have reconnected. Life brings surprises.

im to the point hes made me hate myself. now him.

Book~I went to the dr. this morning. He said it is a pulled/sprained muscle. I lift boxes of whole chickens that weigh 35-40 lbs and I lift boxes with frozen bread, rolls, danish,etc and the french bread boxes probably weigh around 20 lb. When I called work this morning, they said I need a drs note...no problem. So back to the muscle relaxers and a RX for anti-flammatory, and now I am out of work until Sunday. I kinda feel like I am getting to cold shoulder at work because of this (it may be just me feeling guilty), but this is the second time in 2 weeks I have pulled this same muscle and I know none of them at work are going to take care of me...so I have to do it (not that I would want any of them to take care of me) for myself. Even hubby was surprised I was off again.

Glad~I googled biofreeze, it is available through Amazon, take a look and let me know if it is the same as you are talking about.

Joan~I can relate to so much of what you go through with your mother. The tears do come no matter how strong we are and keep things in perspective. I am happy to hear you and Gary will be going on your cruise in March. You certainly deserve to get away, have fun and relax. Things are slowly moving forward..please don't let your sister's wrath get to you when she learns about the situation. Maybe communicate through email...only respond once. That is what what I do, then delete the next several without reading until she has exhausted herself... not you.

I think I have always know my sister was like our mother, but I kept hoping certain high maintenance qualities in her would get better as she got older. As i have gotten older, I don't want to deal with high maintenance relationships...I cherish my quite drama free life and that includes friends who have too much drama. We have spent too many years kissing A to get along and maintain relationships...not any longer.

I will post some pics of the blanket I am working on in a few days after I a few more rows crocheted.

Margeraux and Alison~I do love Tumeric too. It is great on rice. I use a lot of cayenne pepper, garlic, red onions and bell peppers...all are high in anti inflammatory properties.

Hoping everyone gets over their back pains and mother/father, siblings pains in the A@@! Have a good day.

Sharyn,
yup, that's it. Hope it works for you, personally I live the stuff!