The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Glad-thank you will order tomorrow.

Alison~I just read your post about Magnesium. I will try that as well, I do stretch my lower back because of sciatic nerve, but the dr did tell me to do a warm up for my lower back before I go to work. Book is right, strengthening the abdominal muscles does strengthen the lower back too...the whole core area is key to preventing stress injuries. Muscle spasms can result from dehydration so replenishing those electrolites like potassium and magnesium can help with spasms.

I am glad so many of you have responded to this even though it is not on the DYS subject line. Also, I use the Thermacare wraps, the charcoal is activated by body heat for up to 8 hours.

I find that the more there is in my life that I cannot fix easily - like my caregiving situation, family situation, etc., etc. - the more I enjoy discussing the things in my life I've learned to manage, situations I've made better.

So even though discussing aches and pains may not be official DYS thread business, for me, its invaluable. Its something in my life that I have some control over. : ) I need all the positivity these days I can get.

Emjo, of course you're right, bro isn't going to help me exit. I have a few ideas/plans forming in my mind as to how to go about exiting, and I know that my father will be very safe no matter what. I already have contact with local department of Aging/Elder Care, if I have to leave my father in his own home (because he flat out refuses to relocate, or other reasons), I'll make sure he has everything he needs, as best as I can. I've arranged him a home nurse through VA to come and check on his catheter, so there is window for me to just leave him here. Actually, would be less work for me if he does just stay here and not relocate. Relocating means, I'm sure, that I'm staying in the house to try to sort out the massive amount of STUFF here and figure out what to do with it.

Well, just some thoughts rolling around in my head. I've been making it to gym classes for past few days, it helps so much with the stress level in my life and I'm starting to feel a little less stiff in general. I wish the same for you guys. : )

Mom's being stubborn. My son & I went to take her laundry and toilet paper. She was still in bed at 2:00 in the afternoon, lying there flat on her back with her eyes open, disappointed Jesus didn't come get her yet. Could not be arsed to sit up for us. Just yelled at us to do, that, or the other thing from her bed. I went around and turned on every light and opened every shade in the place just to annoy her.

I pulled the covers back and siad it's time to get up, change yourself, and eat. Get in the shower. She had taken pills the day before, or at least they were missing from the box. I knew the light would annoy her and she'd have to get up to turn them off. She's always preferred to sit in the dark. We could have gotten by with two lightbulbs in the house growing up. I like to have lots of light and see outside!

I flipped the breaker switch for her stove since she swears it shocks her. I think it's from dry winter air and her shuffling across the carpet. But, she has no business using a stove anyway. Just microwave it. Banana and mayo sandwiches don't need cooking anyway.

Since she was going to stay in bed, i said we'd have to go. What 15 year old boy wants to stand in his grandmother's bedroom, reeking of pee and dirty old lady in her pjs? I wouldn't do that to him. Sorry you're not up for a visit. See you later.

The thing with my mom is that she is beyond stubborn. If she thinks she needs to do something, even if she wanted to, she would refuse to just to be stubborn. She can still get up. She can still do a lot for herself and she just won't. She had dirty dishes in the sink, so she had to have eaten something sometime. I think she told me she isn't eating just to be weird, worrisome, and stubborn. If you want an old tired mule, I know where you can find one.

I signed her up for the visiting foot care people whether she wants it or not. I am not touching those talons. She has a raging case of foot fungus that smells to high heaven, blisters from too tight shoes that never get aired out, (she has properly fitted shoes and will not wear them, even though she picked them out!), and those giant thick toenails. I literally could not cut them if I had to. She messes with her toes and then touches everything and herself. Gross. Her neglected diabetes is not helping this any, and her liver/kidneys are weakened, so i don't think she can take antifungals now. Good thing all she wants to eat is diet pepsi, cheese, yogurt, milk, and bananas - all bad for kidney patients.

If she wants to die, there is nothing i can do to change that. I am the last person she wants to see or talk to. I brought her flowers st week, and she said thank you to my husband by name, but not a word to me. Whatever. I'm just over here being free clerical help, laundry, grocery, and doctor service. I realize how trivial that is and it makes me no better than dog food.....or so she would have me think! No way lady.

If she goes into some kind of "state" or has an episode, the facility will call the ambulance. If she doesn't report in on time every day, they'll go in and take action. If she won't open the door for the PT guy, he'll get in there. Same for the visiting nurse who sets up her meds and does the checks every few days.

I've been so emotionally wrung out over her antics that were so frequent in the past, that I don't know if I have panic mode in me anymore. She had a medical episode or suicide attempt so often while I was growing up, i find that kind of thing just annoys and bores me now. When I'd go tocall 911 in the past, she'd straighten up and it would all be just fine very suddenly. I've had the emergency response for her used up I guess. This is why I am the calm one in a crisis I suppose. I just don't get in a flap over much after growing up with an emergency-a-holic.

Memory care has been cleared by the health department, I will visit my mom tomorrow. The AL side will most likely be cleared tomorrow which does not effect me visiting my mom. I am so happy my mom did not get this virus. My mom does not usually get stomach viruses, if she does get a virus it is bronchitis/sinus, like me. I have been wanting to share some info with you all but kept forgetting....I have been taking a probiotic for a year now, I have not had any colds or sinus flares ups where I have had to go to dr or call off work. Prior to taking the probiotic, I was sick twice a year with bronchitis since I started this job 5 years ago.

I am really glad for the sharing of info on this thread regarding health issues whether it is muscle or other illnesses. It does help us to find ways to help ourselves naturally.

Sharyn, I keep buying probiotics but I end up not taking it. The same applied to the cranberry pills. I buy all these stuff and just hate swallowing pills. I'm currently trying a herbal pill for healthy hair. I'm going grey and bald. So far, no ringing of the ears or rashes or cold sores....but then again, I'm not following the instructions - take one pill in the morning and evening. I'm only taking the evening. If anything, I just hope it just stops the excess hair from falling out.

If I find that it works, I'll let you all know.

Book- you can get probiotics in yogurt too. It will say it has active live cultures on the container. Not sure about hair loss, my sis has hair loss too. She is using rogain bu she cant dye her hair as it caused major hair loss while using rogain.

Rogaine too expensive. You must continually take it to stop the balding. Men's Rogaine's cheaper but it doesn't work on females. I find myself gravitating to all those colorful wigs. If I'm going bald, I might as well buy colorful obviously-fake hair to make one of my teenage wishes come true. I've always wanted to wear wigs and match it to my clothes or my current mood. I've seen black wigs with purple or pink strips of hair. That looks so much like fun! Fortunately I don't look my age - so I can still carry it off - and not look like an aging woman trying to pretend she's a teenager.

I can eat yogurt if it's like once a month. I just don't like yogurt. That was the first choice I did when I was trying to get probiotic. It got to the point, my stomach was heaving as I ate halfway into it. Hence, the herbal pills...which is Somewhere stagnating... because I hate swallowing pills.

How about making a smoothie withe yogurt tastes like a fruity milk shake.

Hi Sebring. When you feel like sharing or venting, please feel free to do. I, remember the one time I hated myself so much. It was the time before father got his stroke and was abusive to me and vegetative bedridden mom. I’m positive mom’s nose was crooked because he must have hit her in the face and broke her nose. He LIKES hitting me in the head, even my eye glasses almost flew off my face. THAT was the time that I Hated myself. I have always hated watching the Lifetime channel. Fave sis loves watching that show. I would watch it and say to myself that I would never let a man do that to me and NOT walk away from the relationship. Then, years later, father was hitting me in the face/head out of anger. He always waited until I was in the middle of changing mom’s pampers before he would hit me. It got sooo bad, that any sudden movements of his hand, I LITERALLY jumped in fear, with my heart pounding in terror. I never realized how Awful it is to be an abused woman. And I Hated myself for staying and not walking away. But I had a darn obligation to “Honor” our parents. And I just KNEW that if I left, poor vegetative bedridden mom would have lots of bruises. I much prefer he hit me than her. But, I tell you this, I Hated myself because I found myself in the same stupid situation like those women in those Lifetime movies. I Jumped at every sudden movements of his hand. And his violence was escalating – just like in the movies. The last time he attacked me (Before his stroke and became bedridden), he was going to choke me. I saw the terrible anger in his face, he came at me with his hands out and clawed as if he was going to wrap his hands around my neck. I was soooo terrified. I couldn’t run away. As he came closer to me, thank Goodness for having a dog-eat-dog childhood with my siblings – I automatically reacted to his approach by angling my body sideways, right arm raised back, fist tightly clenched, and I was Fully Prepared to throw my Whole weight against that punch, and then RUN like hell out of the house. He was stopped in shock as he stared at my upraised hand - ready to punch him. {{{shudder}}}

I will never ever forget that feeling of helplessness, pure terror of a damn hand (!), and the pure self-loathing of my cowardice. I still cannot watch movies that reflects reality and the violence in it. But, I No Longer pre-judge these females. Sometimes, you just have to walk in their shoes to truly, truly understand their fears and inability to leave the relationship. I hated myself for staying to take the brunt of dad’s anger, just so that mom wouldn’t get hit. That was My self loathing, humiliating and embarrassing part of my life. And I’m not foolish to think that just because he’s bedridden, that he cannot hurt me anymore.

On a Lighter note:

CM, OMGoodness! You are a reincarnation of my baby sister! As you described your sister’s perception of you… I’m guilty of thinking that of my baby sister! Except she was both parent’s spoiled brat, she tattletaled on all of us, AND at age 11, she went out with her friends while us older siblings Could NOT! … “spoiled (!-cried to get her way), selfish (!-she ate all the goodies and what was left, she gave to us), useless (!-No house chores), irresponsible (!-blames us for the probem), sneaky (!-stole $$ from mom’s purse and framed it on bro), whiney (!-she can go on for hours in that irritating Fake whine), unreliable (!-unless she benefits from it), untruthful (!-good at getting us in troube)…”
I can honestly say that my sister was very accurately described.

Glad – so, does this mean that Sibling POA did NOT get in trouble for trying to pull “a fast one”?? It makes me wonder how far she will go to hide more $$.

Hi Norest. You are correct, without the DNR, the EMS or EMT are obligated to do life-sustaining procedures. When mom was still alive, years and years ago, the hospice nurse explained the importance of putting the DNR on the wall in a see-through plastic taped next to mom’s hospital bed. When the EMT came, the medic suggested that I make several copies and put it with the original on the wall. This way, when I’m not there, whoever is there, can just take out 2 photocopies of the DNR. Give one to the EMT and one to the ER. FYI, when mom died, and the EMT was called, they had a difficult time trying to see the name of the doctor. When you get the DNR, please ensure that the doctor’s name is written plainly and not just a signature (which looks like chicken scratch.)

Iwentanon, oh man! You need to at least get a Kindle! I think it’s cheaper than an Ipad. This way, when you’re stuck in bed, you can still use the kindle – as long as you have Wireless Connection (Wi-Fi). I hope your foot surgery is successful. {{HUGS}}

Sharyn, I can't wait to see your handiwork.

Book - lol! I wonder if your sister feels the same as me, then? :) And I wonder if she, too, has come to understand your perspective better than you know. One day, when the time is right, you must ask her...

By the way, I don't *agree* with my sister's assessment. On the whiney thing, for example, the irritating fake whine, I remember very clearly being pulled up for that one. We shared a bedroom and I'm sure I was getting on her nerves (she couldn't have been more explicit). I was six. I had mumps. Sorry?! Now, of course, I know that OBVIOUSLY you don't ask an adolescent to share a bedroom with her sick little sister. But I also know it wasn't my fault she had to.

Less fun to think about, but you're right that it is terribly wrong to blame people for not leaving an abusive situation. If it were that easy, they'd do it, right? So it never is quite that simple. The feminist memorandum of "he hits you once, shame on him; he hits you again, shame on you" is only partly true, and not always even that. For a start it doesn't work so well if there are other things - like your mother, or a child - tying you in to the situation. And that's before you even start on the downward spiral of self-blame. It's horrible. But it must always be a mistake to think you know the answers if it's not happening to you.

"It was the time before father got his stroke and was abusive to me and vegetative bedridden mom. I’m positive mom’s nose was crooked because he must have hit her in the face and broke her nose. He LIKES hitting me in the head, even my eye glasses almost flew off my face. THAT was the time that I Hated myself. I have always hated watching the Lifetime channel. Fave sis loves watching that show. I would watch it and say to myself that I would never let a man do that to me and NOT walk away from the relationship. Then, years later, father was hitting me in the face/head out of anger. He always waited until I was in the middle of changing mom’s pampers before he would hit me. It got sooo bad, that any sudden movements of his hand, I LITERALLY jumped in fear, with my heart pounding in terror. I never realized how Awful it is to be an abused woman. And I Hated myself for staying and not walking away. But I had a darn obligation to “Honor” our parents. And I just KNEW that if I left, poor vegetative bedridden mom would have lots of bruises. I much prefer he hit me than her. But, I tell you this, I Hated myself because I found myself in the same stupid situation like those women in those Lifetime movies. I Jumped at every sudden movements of his hand. And his violence was escalating – just like in the movies. The last time he attacked me (Before his stroke and became bedridden), he was going to choke me. I saw the terrible anger in his face, he came at me with his hands out and clawed as if he was going to wrap his hands around my neck. I was soooo terrified. I couldn’t run away. As he came closer to me, thank Goodness for having a dog-eat-dog childhood with my siblings – I automatically reacted to his approach by angling my body sideways, right arm raised back, fist tightly clenched, and I was Fully Prepared to throw my Whole weight against that punch, and then RUN like hell out of the house. He was stopped in shock as he stared at my upraised hand - ready to punch him. {{{shudder}}}"

I'm doing a slow broil for you, Book. I do not like, or respect, your father...if that's what you want to call that.

My mom hit me, too. Quite often in rages when I was growing up. When I got old enough I told her that if she ever raised a hand to me again she wouldn't live to see the sun rise the next day. That ended that for the most part. She did throw an ashtray at my face when she was in her 70's, but I couldn't really retaliate then, she was too old and alz had a hold of her then. I did throw the ashtray back and hit the cabinet above her head and scared the shit out of her. Ahhhh, so satisfying. She never did that again.

Don't hate yourself for not leaving or being afraid, it's not your doing or your fault. You had your mom to consider. Your circumstances were a whole lot different. Good for you that you threatened to hit back. That's not cowardice. Besides, what woman wouldn't be terrified of a MAN, any man, trying to hit her??

Growing up getting the shit beat out of me made me very, very angry to put it mildly. To this day just thinking about it pisses me off, even though I have forgiven my mom. God help anyone else that tries it. If I was in a relationship with a man and he hit me I'd meet violence with violence and do my damndest to kick HIS ass. Then I'd walk and I'd never want to see his loser face again.

If, God forbid, I ever found myself stuck in a live in situation with a man that hit me...ain't never happenin'...but say that I was, bet he wouldn't live long. I'd kill him. I'd poison him. Or drug him and stab him to death in his sleep. Period. In that situation, with my background, I can totally see myself committing murder. No man hits me. Not for any reason. Man, hell, nobody on the planet. Never again in this life.

CM – what a coincidence! Baby sis also feels the same like you. She INSISTS that she never stole money from mom’s and blamed it on bro. She doesn’t recall a lot of stuff. When we all reminisced of the past, she denied it and even got so angry with us. She truly does not see it at all. Yet, we all remember. Selective memory????? Hmmmm… CM, do you have selective memory, too??? =) {{just teasing you!}} FYI, no one wanted baby sis around. Tattleteller…. It was a good way to reinforce her position in our parents’ adoring eyes of her. {{rolling my eyes}} Whatever!!!! Us 5 girls slept in the master bedroom (biggest bedroom), the 3 boys had the smallest room, and our parents had the smaller room. As you can see, there was a lot of frictions/fightings among us kids. Bedtime, wasn’t bedtime. The boys would sneak into our room, and we would play hiding-go-seek with the light off (because we’re suppose to be sleeping.) That was great fun to play hiding-go-seek in the completely darkened room. We also played blind man’s bluff with our eyes open. That was fun, too. We would call out, hear whoever approach, flee, and needless to say, we did a lot of bumping/tripping over one another. That was before I became afraid of the dark….Baby sis, well, as a tattleteller, she would cry and yell that she cannot sleep because we’re playing, etc…. But, I cannot blame sis. She, too, has not much memory of her childhood, like I don’t with mine, and fave sis of hers. Selective memory….

SA, I used to think like that... until father started hitting me. I no longer have faith in myself that I would walk away. These kinds of violence sure have a way of undermining one's self esteem. I hope that I would still be able to walk away if it ever happens again.

Book Last time I went to the ER they wanted my POA and HCP which they usually do.
This time they asked if I had a DNR. My husband and I looked at each other in suprise and horror. I may be 75 but no where need wanting to be a DNR my husband has the authority to refuse life sutaining proceedures if there is no prospect of recovery but I am no where needing a DNR. I went to the ER complaining of several days of svere diarrhea.

Anger can be good stuff to work with, SA. Most of the (not many) things I've done in my life that I'm proud of were motivated by anger, at least originally. It can stop you being afraid. It can make you focus very clearly. It helps you get things DONE. Unfortunately it can also make you a) hurt innocent bystanders, unintentionally; and b) act too fast, in a way that you later regret.

I understand how you feel, and I also understand from Book that I don't know how it feels to be so trapped. So, why can't she rear up and yell "Don't you f***ing hit me, ever, or so help me I will knock you clear across the room!!!" - because I know you and I are both screaming it for her. Why doesn't the touch paper light? I have to assume, it's because when you're in her room, with her dad, looking after her mum… it isn't the same. Probably we can't know why it isn't, we can just see that it isn't. There's something else important that we can't see.

Book, my memory is highly selective. I was "Daddy's little love-bun" and sweet and good and curly-haired and hard-working and always won school prizes… can't think why my siblings couldn't stand me. (Daddy went off me quite a lot before long, can't think why that happened, either!)

CM, I don't blame Book at all. Her circumstances left her between a rock and a hard place.

I don't normally go around pissed off all the time. lol I'm actually very peaceful and quiet for the most part but I won't hesitate to stand up for myself if it's necessary. It takes a lot of crap to really get me angry. Unless, of course, it involves absolute injustice, like someone hitting me, or me seeing someone hurting someone else, or bullying them. Then, I can go from totally calm to broiling, crazy rage in about 2 seconds flat. I'm the type that won't hesitate to stand up and say something for the sake of others, too. If I saw someone, say, shove an elderly person and cause them to fall...I might not know what's up or what caused that, but my first reaction would be to run over there, pounce on them and kick their ass. *shrug* I have absolute zero tolerance for that kind of shit, towards me or anyone else. I dealt too long. Too damn long. That anger at those kind of injustices will never leave me in this lifetime.

Good! x

Usually an abused person was abusded in childhood and the way we were treated changes who we become and as an adult you think if I could just be good we would not be abused on some level we think we deserve the treatment-those who come from loving homes and family life say no f------ way I deserve this treatment-being abused as a child does change who you become as an adult plus abusbers can convince you that you do deserve the treatment and also when I got married no one talked aloud about abuse-even when bruises showed-the abusers are cever hurting you where it does not show and people want to believe you are covering your arms in the summer because you really are cold-it makes them feel better if they do not have to take action. Also if the abuser thinks you are thinking about getting help the abuse gets worse-a nurse near here was killed by her boyfriend and everyone she worked with knew about it because of phone calls she got at work from him.

In NY state the hospitals want a DNR on file but you do not have to do that if you carry one with you at all times-I was almost forced to sign the last time my husband went to the hospital in the ER and I said no -I would access him first-it did turn out to be a different problem then he had been having twice a week for weeks and we did end up with a DNR two days later after it was proved that there was no hope of recovery-but it needs to be up to the family at all times.

Book, I think her trouble is just beginning. Conservator now knows that she is concealing financial information for my mom. And mom at one time had a long term care policy, that sis was notified mom had stopped making payments. It was probably the beginning of mom's Alzheimer's and making bad decisions. That was at least a $300,000.00 mistake made by sis who said that she didn't realize it for nine months and then the policy could not be reinstated. That too, was a lie by sis. By law, the company is required to send the notifications of non-payment to second listed on the policy which was sis POA. That should be out of her pocket to say nothing of all of these attorney fees, guardian and conservator fees! Who the F*** does she think she is.

It has been difficult throughout the years and realizing how dysfunctional my family was and still is. Growing up the middle child of seven with parents who threatened divorce and never did. And my mother emotionally dumping all her issues she had with my dad on me and I'm sure with the rest of the family. She tended to escalate arguments with my dad so that we would all come to her rescue. My father passed away in 2002 and things have escalated now to the point where rival gangs have formed. Three sisters have taken my mother hostage, not allowing contact from me or my brother because there is no house phone and my sister takes her own cell to work. She ignores all requests for contact. Of course this is unsafe and dangerous since my mother has fallen and found on the floor several hours later. I have sound reason to believe they are exploiting her financially as well. My sisters are continuously emotionally unloading on my mother to get her on their side.

doyourbest do you think APS should be made aware of the neglect of your Mom-it sounds unsafe to be alone with no phone available.

195Austin - Thanks. I have called APS on Monday and am waiting to hear from them. They were supposed to go by on Wednesday.

doyourbest,
I know it is hard to call APS, and good for you, you did it! Hopefully, things will get figured and straightened out. I agree with Austin, it is unsafe without a phone. We have Comcast phone, that if the electricity goes out the house phone does not work. I have a cell, but in spite of being in a large city, we are in an area, that Verizon doesn't work. But, Verizon when I realized it was a location problem provided a "signal extender" at no charge when I explained the situation. But that also has problems, the signal extender goes through the internet connection, so no electricity, no phone. I could always was half a block up and the cell phone would probably work.

Veronica - how RUDE! = O Cheeky blighters! I had a similar shock a couple of months back when a locum GP asked me if I was "still sexually active." How old does he think I am? And when does he think it becomes illegal again???

Actually, no, not at the moment, as it happens, but there's no "still" about it. I can live in hope, can't I?!

Glad, sometimes we just need that little bit of extra encouragement, that little bit of different word (wedge) we didn't know to use before…

And, Voila! The Sacrowedgy is name of my "Magic Device" I haven't been able to find! You can find at sacrowedgy.com, if you want to see the best thing to ever happen to my back, lol. Talk about finding your lost love again! :D Ok, just having a laugh about this. I had to search images to find it, but there it was: blue, plastic, not very big… the missing sacrowedgy! Lolololol! Have a good day all!

They sell Sacro Wedgy (I guess its 2 words, not 1?) on Amazon, with lots of positive reviews. Sharyn, you mentioned sciatic pain, lots of the reviewers say this device helps with this. Just wanted to mention they sell on Amazon, where you can read much more about it with unbiased reviews, as opposed to the manufacturers' website.

Alison, so glad you found it! Whenever I cannot find something in the internet I change search terms. I think I have a gift of this, wonder if it is marketable. That I could easily do from home! Maybe then I could become a self made millionaire! LOL!