The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Alison-
Just looked at it on Amazon, and there is a male and female version. I suppose if you are a tall woman you may want the male version. And on the same page after the amazon sacrowedgy search is my favorite, the otherwise! Both must be good! Funny!

Theracane got auto corrected to otherwise!'LOL

Great work Alison! I will put this on must have list for next paycheck. I am not sure though if I should get the male or female version. I am tall through the torso and wide hips but short legged, LOL!! I will read more about to get a better idea on which to order.

Book~I think you can order probiotics that are powder to put in drinks or a meal to avoid taking a pill. The sacro wedgy has a pillow you might be interested in...maybe you can order from another source other than Amazon since they won't ship to your Island.

What little cash I could afford to spend this week, I spent this morning. 1) a gift for hubbys birthday on Sunday 2) I found a craft lamp 50% so I paid $25.00 for it. Now I can crochet at night with this brighter light. I am excited to try it out tonight. Funny how something as geeky as a craft lamp excites me in my old age, LOL!!
Have a good day, gotta get to work on Chicken N Noodles for hubby's Valentines dinner, it is his favorite.

Glad, I was trying to figure out what you meant with"otherwise".

Yes, I previously had blue (male) version, as I "inherited" from ex boyfriend. I ordered female version, but blue one worked for me, too, and I'm not particularly tall or anything. Well, lets just say I'm looking forward to getting the new pink one and seeing if it has same profound relief powers. Such a small, simple looking thing, but, for me, does something unparalleled by anything else I've tried. :D

savor energy is what sacro wedgy auto corrects to. How in the world does it get there from here. Still my favorite auto correct is sacrificing from caregiving. How appropriate!

Austin I have now way of checking but I do know the hospitals and clinics want a healthcare proxy but I certainly would not carry a DNR unless I was terminally ill whether they want it or not. Hospice patients are encouraged to sign one on admission and if they agree their primary caregiver is advised to carry a copy and post one prominently in the home. Our hospice nurses usually had a copy in their patient records too.
For others you can never be forced to sign a DNR it is up to the patient if competent or their POA so never be bullied if you are not comfortable but educate yourself on what being rescusitated will entail

My family put the D in dysfunction. There is a massive amount of mental illness on my father's side of the family and it always goes untreated. It's like Ringling Brothers Barnum and Bailey Circus since my mom got a brain injury. She was the strongest person in our family now it's the 2 of them limping along. My siblings are totally hands off with helping and have a MILLION reasons why. I'm so glad all of you wrote in about your crazy families! Thank You:)

Book~Just for you...I changed my avatar to the baby blanket I am currently crocheting.

Veronica that is indeed the thing - what resuscitation actually involves. We see too much on TV of kindly nurses or handsome paramedics popping a couple of paddles on people and - voilà! All is well. The more likely reality of a 15 stone (210lb) paramedic thumping my elderly frail mother's chest until every one of her ribs is broken and she dies anyway… is my recurring nightmare. Her - excellent, again - GP printed off a very good explanatory leaflet for her, which emphasised that signing a DNAPR does NOT mean you won't get treated at all, for anything. Sadly, that's the half-formed suspicion it's hard not to harbour when you're nearly 90.

My mother in law, age 94 is now staged at severe Alzheimer's. She is required to go away from the house. She also has severe aortic stenosis and there are signs this is impairing her activity. Her chance of having an arrhythmia which would require resuscitation is probable. This is why we had to instruct anyone caring for her to have a copy of her DNR with them. Not just in the car. It would be futile at this point for anyone to perform CPR with defibrillation. It was her wishes when she was competent, she did not want extraordinary measures be taken if she had an illness she could not recover from.

Sharyn, I had to use my kindle in order to zoom in to see your blanket. Is that from knitting or crocheting? My aunty knits. I crochet a teeny tiny bit. But when I watch her knit, I envied her because knitting makes things faster. Whereas, crocheting is so time consuming. Yep, neutral colors! =) But, it does look pretty to me. At least you didn't make it ONLY one color but you're mixing it. Thanks for sharing.

Norest, when my mom died, my sister called 911 and they sent the ambulance and the police. Even though sis gave the EMS the DNR, by law, they were required to ask aloud if anyone have objections of the DNR. The EMS said that if anyone objected, then they will start CPR on her. It just bugs me about this. So, what is the use of having a DNR if a family member decides that they want you to have CPR????

One last comment before I hit the sack. Glad! I am soooo glad that you told me how you always go to YouTube to learn things. I kept looking at that Boundaries book and have no incentive to read it. I just watched one very good YouTube video on boundaries... with re-enactments....I will come back and take notes...for now, I will just watch all the different videos and note the ones that I like. The second one - is from a religious website. Making me cringe. Unfortunately, I will have to avoid all of his videos. But he has so many good practical ideas! So, maybe I won't avoid his videos. Just tune out anything that's religious. night!

I am a registered nurse in this field....and my mother-in-law came to live with us last June. I'm not saying that I didn't come from a dysfunctional family, but I will say that my poor husband's family adds new meaning to the word! We inherited his Mom, who is a widow with moderate dementia, after her own daughter "dropped" her off at their small town ER and announced rather loudly that she would not be caring for Mom anymore! She then turned around and walked out...leaving Mom and her little dog standing in the waiting room with nothing but her purse and the clothes on her back. My husband made the 7 hours drive to pick her up. I have found Mom to be pleasantly confused during her 8 months here, but I am feeling trapped. As I mentioned, I work in this field during the day....and come home to it by night. My husband had just begun his retirement and I was to follow next year...but will not, because I can no longer bear to be in my own home. Mom was not a very nice lady in her hey day....she did not treat any of us women (including her own daughter) nicely...and she has burned all of her bridges. This was to be a short stint until she could be placed, but my husband has lost his nerve and is afraid of hurting her feelings.....he does not seem to believe anything I try to tell him. So now I am beginning to harbor hard feelings towards him. After all...I kind of know what I am talking about professionally. There are no other relatives for Mom to move in with. I have selected one of our best adult family homes in the community and put Mom on the waiting list for a private bedroom. When I told my husband this, he looked crushed. I do not feel that the present situation is healthy for him (he went from having an active retirement to sitting and watching TV with Mom all day "to keep her company") or for our relationship, since all of our plans are now on indefinite hold and we are not getting any younger!

LeaBea, your husband is the luckiest man I've heard of recently. He should thank God you're willing to tackle the hard decisions for him. Brilliant stuff, well done; and an extra well done for not flipping out over that ER elder abandonment episode - was that NOT FAIR or what??? May you be rewarded with your MIL's smooth and easy transition to the care home.

(((((Lea)))) doesn't sound good. I agree with cm - your husband is a lucky man. I think you have to stand your ground. This is your home too. I am assuming that at no point you agreed to your mil staying with you permanently and that the arrangement was - clearly - that your mil be placed. Boy, do I understand your resentment. I think you have to hold him to the original plan and that he chose to leave his family and cleave to you. Your interests are not being served here and doubt his are either, nor mil's in the long run, maybe in the short run. But her interests do not supersede yours.
It is amazing how easily the child in us comes out, Your husband wants to make his mummy happy. This happens much more easily, I believe , in dysfunctional families as there are so many unresolved issues. Perhaps your mil was never very pleased by her children so there is still some underlying need there in your husband.

In any case, this is not doing you or your marital relationship any good. Would counselling help? Can you have another talk with him and tell him this is not working for you and you need a decision, some action, a date for her move? Can you point out some positives? He can still visit his mum when she is placed and watch TV with her there, but she will also have the opportunity to make friends her own age, and the two of you then will be free to pursue your retirement plans. And he will have time to engage in his own interests. Can you plan a trip for the two of you and have Mum go into respite while you are away. You never know - she may want to stay there.

This is a tough one. I wish you all the best.((((((hugs))))) and blessings Come back and vent any time.

Alison - sounds like you have it very much in hand. My all means leave him there, and avoid having to deal with the STUFF. It is a nightmare. Depending on where mother s placed, we will have another 2 bedroom apartment full to deal with, as she got all new stuff when she moved the last time. I haven't even got rid of the old stuff yet. So glad you are getting out to the gym.

sandwich any idea when your mum's can be placed. This is hard on you I am sure, especially when she is so rude to you and does not acknowledge all you do for her. I know - it is never enough and never good enough. No, you cant change her, yet we feel some kind of responsibility and it is hard letting that go -hard seeing them make decisions that hurt then and so, eventually, us too. ((((hugs)))) take some breaks. I think you are right to protect your 15 yr old.

Sharing health issues is making me feel good that I don't have any back issues. Mind you I have other issues. Looks like my thyroid function has dropped again - cold, fatigued etc. But I have to wait out the 6 weeks before getting tested then see what is the best course of action.

cm - I don't see you as a whiny child.it does sound like there is some jealousy there. I see that in my sis. Nothing to do with the realities but more to do with her personality issues.

SA - I am so sorry that you had such a rotten childhood - there are n excuses for that kind of behaviour Hope you are starting to heal for that and the time you spent care giving your mum.

book - I don't know how you do it, but you are feisty and it has helped you to survive. Hope the videos help. Learning about boundaries, when you come from a dys fam is so important and even more so when you are caregiving.

Austin you are right. We have far too high a tolerance of abusive behaviours and even many subconsciously seek them out as they were the "norm" when we grew up. We seek to resolve the childhood issues and most of the time al we do is perpetuate the abuse.
Time to start a new post so I don't lose this one.

Thank you Emjo (need reassurance after Book taking my sister's side lol) - but, no, I was. I whined about things like a broken collar bone, ear infections and splitting my head open at the bottom of the stairs. I'm not being ironic, it must have been extremely irritating. STILL not my fault!

As it happens, I had to move the computer today which meant moving some photo albums - pictures of my brothers and sister when the younger brother was a baby. He had pyloric stenosis. My mother got fobbed off by an army medic and didn't like to argue. You're not supposed to be able to see the ribs, knee caps and wrist bones of a 4-month infant. Scared eyes. My parents' (so-called) friends used to call him "Belsen Eddy." I don't often sympathise too much with my siblings but I've been crying for Paul this evening. He's now 54. I'm not sure he knows (or agrees) that he's lucky to be alive.

I really don't understand how my mother can treasure those photos next to others of my siblings and cousins romping on the beach. "Funny little boy!" she says.

glad - it is coming out, thank goodness. Boy, sis is pulling some fast ones!!! Hopefully it will all get sorted out. She is causing a lot of grief and expense. The greed for money is a terrible thing.

doyourbest - ((((((hugs))))) your situation sounds awful. Has APS gotten back to you? Does anyone have POA medical/financial. If one of them has you can bring them to task by asking for an accounting of monies spent. Do update us.

sharyn - you are obviously having fun with the crocheting. A craft lamp sounds like just the right thing. I have seen one with a magnifier which would suit me very well. One of the next things coming up for me is to get one cataract removed, but it is not ready yet. Hope you get your back issues sorted out.

KJ1971 - we have mental illness on mothers side, and untreated. Causes havoc. I am so sorry about your mum. It must be hard to see your parents like that, especially your mum. We never know what life will bring. It must be tough for you looking after them.

This DNR thing is a bit tricky at times. The medical people and hospitals are so afraid of being sued, I suppose. Who gets to die, who gets resuscitated who has food withheld - complicated. Brings me back to the Terry Schiavo case - with hold her food, but resuscitate a senior on their way out. I know there are many fine points in between. I think policies need to be revisited.

cm - the decisions get harder, I am finding. In my case, both due to how they affect her, but also how they affect me. I am comforted as I believe that this last set of decisions would have been made by an objective outsider as they were recommended by professionals, and also are supported by several other family members, excluding sis of course.

Many of you remember that I lost a friend of over 45 years at Christmas. The strangest thing - a few days ago I was contacted on face book by someone I knew and was friends with over 50 years ago Somehow she tracked me down. She has met all my family mother, father and sis and was a bit friendly with sis, though I don't see sis on her friends list. I know very few people outside of family who had met my father. She really wants contact and to find to what has happened in the intervening years. I have thought of her maybe more than the others of that group. My quandary is how much to reveal to her about the whole family situation. At the time -50 years ago - it would have appeared that sis and I were friends. I am thinking of writing her and asking if she is comfortable keeping what I say to her strictly between to two of us, and if not to let me know and I will share or not share accordingly. God is good to bring another friend my way.

G says the plans for our hol are materializing. He wants to surprise me and don't like surprises. The Cabo trip did not materialise - one of those "deals" that looked too good to be true, but then they suddenly slapped some conditions on after we had made our plane reservations. G was so mad he said "No way" even though we could have gone at a decent price. We can go there again sometime, but know one vacation company to avoid. I hope my thyroid is better by then or I will be spending a lot of time resting in the hotel. From the sounds of it, that may not be much of a sacrifice. :)

I just want a little energy and motivation. Have a good day, everyone and do something good for you.

You know when this all started sisters called APS to report me for financial exploitation when they knew nothing like that was occurring. That is when I knew I needed a lawyer. Was so angry when they did it, but also have at it. But now those reports will be supplied to the conservator and they will see just how vindictive siblings are. Now I am actually glad that happened. I think that sisters thought that the investigation would send me running. Boy, are they ever surprised and now will be the ones to answer about what the hex they have been doing for two years now. Gotta love it!

cm - I don't call that whining. You were a child and you were ill and/or in pain, and, obviously, as your bro, neglected. How terrible for an infant to get that thin. It is amazing that he lived. He was starving. I don't understand how your mother can enjoy pictures like that either, or, for that matter, how she and your father could neglect their children as they did. I remember a friend who was overwhelmed by her life, which included 4 young children who were out of control. One day I visited and the oldest girl was obviously very ill with a high fever and nothing was being done about it. I checked into the details and told her mum she better take her daughter to hospital PDQ, as she has scarlet fever from a strep throat and it could cause heart problems. My friend took her in, my diagnosis was confirmed and she was given antibiotics and recovered. That girl has gone on in life to do very well for herself, and I have a little warm spot in my heart for her. Subsequently two of the kids died - one of them by suicide which could have been related to neglect. I probably went in the other direction when parenting.
My financial advisor's daughter is skiing in the Olympics for Canada. I must see if I can find her. Lots of bright sunshine here today and temps warming a bit.

Emjo, as far as being able to arrange sufficient care for my dad to leave him here in his home… yes, I think I can cover bases for that. My dad doesn't have any noticeable dementia but his decision-making ability, in general, is really poor. So it is definitely better if he goes to supervised apartment building, but we shall see yet what is to happen in next 6 months. Sometimes if senior is stubborn and insists on staying put, what else can we do besides allow them to do so and wait for the incident - and there's sure to be one its just matter of how long until - that makes everyone say "you're moving, no matter what!" Who knows, who knows… geesh, I don't even know when my dad is coming back here at this point. Bro hasn't said anything more after last week, so I just enjoy the peace and quiet for a few more days… and wait… : ) And I'm glad I've gotten this respite, its given me more perspective and I've gotten myself into better routine. I notice when I am doing "ok," my tolerance and ability to care for dad is much improved. Otherwise, if I'm frazzled and too stressed, than any old problem becomes such a destructive thing.

I'm forgetting other stuff I wanted to type, so… I'll just have to come back later. Hope everyone's doing well, enjoying your weekend.

Norestfortheweary. In your case it is more than appropriate for everyone connected
with your MIL to carry a copy of the DNR. In fact everyone who is DNR status should have one available. My point was that not everyone has to be DNR status. I personally at this time would have every hope of recovery. If it became obvious that I was in a vegative state my husband according to my wishes would discontinue life sustaining treatment.

glad - I do remember you saying that your sisters called APS. Where are their heads? In the long run it has turned out to be a good thing. Yes, they are the ones who have to do the accounting now. Good for you. We reap what we sow.

Alison - what an opportunity to "take a hike, Mike"! Your bro has dad! I know that would probably cause too many family upheavals, but aren't you tempted? Agreed, some seniors have to be left until something happens to force them into a facility. Hope you find some great opportunities in the place of your choice. Glad you are enjoying the break.

Book~ Yes it is crochet and very neutral in colors. My daughter wanted yellow and green to start with, when they find out the genders of the babies, I am sure that will change. I am slow at crochet because it has been 30+ years since I did it, my mom could crochet very fast...she could watch tv and crochet without looking at her hands.

Joan~I am having fun with it, I even found some cute patterns for baby cowboy booties and other styles.

CM~You sound like you were just a normal child who was in pain or ill. I don't call that whinny. My sister had to help with cooking dinner and babysitting me. She resents it to this day. I am the irresponsible one in my family, yet I never asked for help from my parents, my husband and I did everything on our own....don't let the perception your sibs of you based on stupid stuff from when you were a child...jealous siblings will never grow up to understand what is really important and YOU obviously know the difference. Good for you as you are the better the person for it.

Glad~It does sound like your sister's handy work is being revealed for what it is. You have done nothing wrong so let her pay the piper.

My back is much improved today. The pulled muscle seems to be healed...no pain in that area. I am still having some pain lower down on my right side that was part of this. I have been using ice packs on it since yesterday and today, I have heard some popping as the inflammation is reduced so I think that area was a result of some misalignment in the hip area.

Hubby and I are going out for dinner for his birthday tonight...he will be 60 tomorrow. Have a good weekend and take of yourselves.

Emjo, with your friend of 50 years ago, maybe start off lightly in re-establishing your friendship. 50 years is a lot of time for people to change in their personality or views of life.

CM, of course it involves jealousy from us other siblings! We get punished but baby sis gets away with everything. {{chuckling}} As a child, that wasn’t whining if you’re suffering from health issues. Baby sister’s whining was from not getting her way. She would whine until the parents gave in to her.

Glad – I was smiling as I read your words. Karma – by their very own initiative.

Emjo - funny you should mention scarlet fever. I told my ex that I'd had a whole summer of illnesses, all the childhood standards with tonsillitis in between, and including scarlet fever. "Nonsense," he said, "you can't possibly have had. It's a disease of the slums." Er, yes…

I got sent away to boarding school at eight, riddled with thread worms, God knows how long I'd had them. The Sisters - it was a very high church Anglican convent - were not pleased with me.

The thing is, looked at from my sister's point of view, it WAS just annoying. I was a problem. She wished I wasn't there and, being a frank child, said so often. My elder brother - this is another happy memory of my mother's - once asked whether there wasn't a pill you could take to stop having babies. "The Pill" was making headlines at the time, he was a bright kid and would have picked up on it. I think he probably wished my younger brother and I hadn't happened, too; the difference is that he kept it to himself.

I'm not angry with my mother any more, just sad for her. The reason for her inaction was that she'd had it drummed into her that if anything went wrong it was her own fault, and that her judgement was never to be trusted - it was to be mocked, contradicted or ignored. She never had a chance. What's the point of telling her now where she went wrong? It would be cruel: just another mountain of blame, which she would take fully to heart. My father wasn't around a lot of the time - away on exercise, saw action in Aden, sorting out the next posting - and unfortunately when he came back his reaction to the chaos at home was to get angry with my mother, rather than help and support her. Which made her conceal things, of course, for fear of getting more blame. She loved us all very, very much. But as Paul's girlfriend said: "how did someone so utterly unmaternal come to have four children?" My mother has not the first idea of how to care for a living thing, child, animal or plant. It doesn't mean she doesn't love them. Bit rough on us, though. I was hospitalised with hypothermia as a small baby. Bad winter, where do you put the cot? Clue: not in the unheated spare bedroom, and then be grateful for the peace and quiet.

I'm laughing now - my poor mother. The older of her two elder sisters actually did lose a baby: it fell out of a hammock on the classic 'passage to India' and broke its neck. I often wonder if my mother had some subliminal sense that she ought to lose at least one of us, too, to show sisterly feeling and not look as if she was trying to get one over on Frances. She's still afraid of what Frances might say now, and the woman's been dead nine years.

Fear is the monster, isn't it. Bloody fear. Yes, and obligation and guilt. But it's the fear that changes the way you are inside. Note to self: don't be AFRAID.

Book, I'll give my sister this - she NEVER whined. Blistering rages. Physical violence. Very rarely, angry tears. But no whining, definitely not.

The other thing that made me cry, and made me understand her better, happened when I was clearing out files before we moved my mother's last home. There was a collection of letters we'd written from school. My sister was fifteen or sixteen. My mother had told her to "look after" me; but what my sister hadn't appreciated was that my mother didn't actually mean anything by that - she didn't expect my sister to DO anything, for heaven's sake! So this letter from my sister carried a detailed report of how I was getting on, and all the things she was worried about that needed attention. She took the responsibility very seriously, and at the same time she had no means of dealing with it, none. Who gives responsibility without power to a serious-minded teenage girl? It's a dreadful thing to do. I don't know how my mother replied to her, probably "don't worry, darling, I'm sure she'll settle in." I sat reading that letter and wondered what it felt like to be told you had to make sure your least favourite brat was safe and happy, when you had exams and your looks* and peer status to worry about, and who had ever looked after her?

My sister left home at eighteen, got a job in investment banking and a shared apartment in London, worked her socks off, made a packet and never looked back. I think she hates her family - maybe not my brothers so much - but can't stop caring about us. She does have a profound sense of duty, and perhaps wishes she hadn't. I wouldn't have her sore heart if it came free with all the tea in China.

*My sister has a faint but long, jagged scar all the way down one jaw. She was thrown through the windscreen of a car - my father had sat her on the front seat, instead of leaving her in her carry cot in the back, so that he could keep an eye on her while he drove. Nowadays you can't see it unless you know it's there; but when she was fifteen I expect she thought everyone was staring.

Sharyn - I have done baby cowboy booties many years ago. Glad your back is better. Have a good dinner with hubby.

book I am sure you are right that it is better to take it slowly. Even people you know can do things you don't expect.

cm - you certainly can get scarlet fever - my daughter had it too but I caught it before she got very bad and took her to the ER and got the antibs. Ah boarding school. I went in Sussex for the last 2 years of high school - got my O levels. got into some trouble, had some fun and made a very good friend. Sounds like your mum just did not have a clue and was very busy protecting herself. Absolutely no point in telling her now she was wrong. Now your sis I have less sympathy for - her perspective, frankly Scarlett... What about from your point of view? Hypothermia as a baby - my mother did the opposite. She stuck me in a pram on the front porch in the full sun. Thankfully my father came home at lunchtime, saw me and rescued me. I was parboiled. Maybe that is why I don't like sunbathing. Your aunt Frances was quite a case, apparently.

Fear IS the monster. God once said to me very clearly - not audibly but as good as. Never do anything out of fear and never fail to do anything out of fear. It made me very aware of how much fear was ruling my life. and I don't allow it to influence me as much now.