The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

I don't know if I could do the teeter. I couldn't even do somersaults when I was a kid - hated the upside down thing. My best potato peeler ever was one that had lost the handle. I finally threw it out and got a new one and regretted it. No others peeled as well as that one.
Veronica your grand mil was like mother is. Everything has to be "high class". My kids say she is like Hyacinthe of "Keeping up Appearances" if you watch Brit sitcoms. I laughed out loud at the"good peasant stock".
Gary's parents farmed. We moved mother into her first ALF -Garyt did a lot of the work. After a while she complained disdainfully, in earshot of Gary, that she had to sit with farmer's wives in the ALF. He was aghast.
I have to share a story - my sis and were in England studying one summer, and mother decided to come over to "help" You never want "help" from a narcissist. She instructed me (never my sister - always me) to rent a place for the summer for the three of us for X dollars. I looked around and found a furnished place on the edge of a village that belonged to a pastor who rented it out in the summer. It was small and not grand at all, but clean and adequate. Mother came over and blew sky high at me all summer -I got ranted and raved at for hours daily. She never said what the problem was. I was studying doing well, keeping my nose clean, hanging with a nice crowd of people. Things went from bad to worse and it took me years to figure out. I am sure this is the reason.. She had been in England as a young woman with wealthy people and stayed at an estate, and I think she was looking fir the same experience. There was no way on the budget I was given, And to top it all off there was a pig farm a ways down the lane.When they cleaned it out every Thursday, and the wind was blowing in our direction, you can imagine the smell. I still grin about that even though it wasn't intentional.

Being the youngest of four, I was held back...not allowed to participate in activities with my siblings. My sister and eldest brother held in high esteem with both parents. Special food was bought to "put weight on my sister and brother"...me and my second oldest brother were not allowed to have chocolate milk or other goodies because we were labeled "pleasingly plump". Both me my pleasingly plump brother ended up having weight issues. The only approval we got as children was that we were good eaters. Yes, the labels are hurtful and hard to get over.

My parents had to have the best of everything, or like Veronica said...they said they had to best (maybe it was a generational thing back then). My word...curtains (drapes...why split hairs over a word unless you are an elitist), does not matter to me. Detaching from my sister is harder because we have had constant contact for many years. Of course, our contact started when I was in my early 30's and I initiated it. I actually went to her house one day crying about how I was so depressed because of all the abuse from our childhood, I told her I was in counseling. This is what started our adult relationship.

Joan, I had to laugh about the potato peeler, LOL!! I use one from the grocery store too. Potato...Patato...drapes...curtains... hubby and I are looking at buying some "Curtain Panels with grommets" for our sliding glass door...no pull strings or chains...much easier for hubby since he is hard on the pull strings. No more blinds, they look nice but they break off to easily from the header.

My brother swears by his inversion table. He was using it once a week for about 30 minutes and that was enough to get him through a week of work. You don't have to be at a 90 degree angle (upside down) to get maximum benefit. Of course before we buy one, I will try the sacro wedgy first, since it is cheaper. My brother can't use his with his lung issues, prior to that it was working great for him. His drs want to do a hip replacement for his pain.

Anyway, I am working on "Detaching with love" from my sister, but it is harder as I said. I take no insult if she does not agree with me (like with the "drapes"). The hard part is not calling her when I have something to share...she won't answer the phone which is a big part of the reason I quit. Unfortunately, I do have to have some communication regarding our mom's care unless I just become the person who visits mom and let sis deal with supplies,etc. But, I want and believe I have a right to know what is going on with our mother. Should I back off and let sis take it all on? Suggestions please.
Hugs to everyone!!

Labels from childhood… got me thinking about things I hadn't thought about in some time… if ever, really, in those exact terms...

Selfish is the number one label I get from mom and brothers. Why? I think because I see the world differently than they do. I know I'm not a selfish person but when I contradict what they say/think/do, then I am selfish person. I was selfish when I moved away to another state to explore life. This labeling has made me second guess myself a lot, but now I kind of accept they will say this. They still do, by and large, bring up the "selfish card" and play it often. OFTEN. When I was so sick and couldn't get out of bed this past Spring, I was selfish because I called them to voice my concern I wouldn't be able to get my dad to his nonstop medical appointments… my first concern was to try to find a way to cover his needs, but I was selfish since I needed some help in that area.

I was also told by brothers that I was unattractive, would never get a good man, etc. I feel sometimes my brothers still think this about me, otherwise why would I be 39 and unmarried? They think "something" is wrong with me. I don't bother to explain the caliber of monogamous, loving, long term relationships I've had, that just didn't lead to marriage (both of my exes are still single, lifelong bachelors… can't marry if you're both not into the marrying thing at the moment…). I've let them think what they want to and I've managed to not let it hurt me too much because there was geographical and relationship distance.

Now I'm in their lives more, they are in mine more. The past few years of caregiving have brought such crush to my heart, dignity, feelings.

I don't know why my immediate family is so cruel. Why they are so judgmental of me. I can relate when you say - the rest of the world doesn't seem to think so. I get along with pretty much everyone, I'm kind, I'm considerate of others. Why I have this family that I can never do enough for, be enough for, or do the exact right thing that would be pleasing to them, I don't know what gives. They stink.

My repeated detailed texts to older bro, who is housing dad in another city at the moment, have gotten short replies - twice he texts me "all is well."

I asked if he had taken dad to show him apartments, if he needed help in this area, etc, etc. I've asked if only reason he hasn't returned him is because he is too busy, and therefore should I drive down and pick him up…. "all is well" is what he wants to say to me.

That's what I've got. Twice in 2 weeks as a reply to my half-dozen detailed, questioning texts. Ok. So I wait. Things are good here while dad is gone, I must admit. I make headway on my to-do list. I should text him back "all is well." :D

Alison-your brother is playing the control game IMHO. Let him play by himself. ..this is a good time to move forward...he is basically relieving you of responsibility as long as he thinks he has the upper hand. Use it to your advantage.

ABB, I agree with Sharyn. Why don't you use this time to plan your future - set goals, where, when, etc... Make it an exciting project just like you do with your juicing. Challenge yourself by making goals. Do your Plan A (if your father finds a new place) and a Plan B (if he doesn't.) If he doesn't, what are you going to do? How does that affect your long term goal? Stuff that I try to avoid thinking of....

Emjo - my label while growing up was Definitely NOT pretty. I was "mean with a mean temper." I was one very unhappy child who hated the world. Up to now, ALL my family (including nieces/nephews) view me as mean. One says I'm cruel. I don't think I'm cruel. Her father is the cruel one. He used his wife's pregnant stomach as a punching bag. Father tried to stop him but my bro was very determined to punch her tummy. Two of my brothers beat up their spouses, children. I have never beaten anyone (aside from when we were kids.) I have Disciplined Very Firmly everyone - with a lot of "That Tone of Voice" It has helped me a lot with that reputation among the family. No one messes around with me because of my reputation. But like my niece told me, I'm all bark and no bite.

Freudian pig farming, eh? Love it.

One of my MIL's dropped bricks (that I really must get over before much longer) arose from her being kept waiting for an appointment at the Royal Free. She went batsh1t and spat "for Heaven's sake! We're not paupers!"

Since two of her three children were trained by and employed in the NHS this really didn't go down too well with them, no matter how used to her they were.

Emjo I love British comody and Masterpiece Theater on PBS don't know if you get that. Your mother would have loved to have been a guest of the Granthams at Downton Abbey. Grand MIL was more like old Lady Grantham than Hyacinthe because there had been money in her family. I will describe it as tradesmans money because her family were the Harris sausage people. CM can you still get Harris sausages? I know the company was sold but may be the brand survived.
My claim to labels was "stupid" as in not very intellegent. took me 60 years to believe that I was not.
I also love watching "Call the Midwife" I was never a midwife but trained in London at about the same time the series is set.

Emjo,

I too got all kinds of labels, from skinny to big nose. My aunt the narcissist had broken her nose as a kid jumping off a truck, back in the day during the Depression when these trucks would deliver ice to families. Apparently, it was some kind of game kids played was to jump on the bed of the truck, and then jump off it. So she suffered a broken nose until she was an adult. Then when I was about 3 yrs., old.....I remember she came to our house one day, and scared the living daylights out of me, since she was all bandaged up in the facial area....she'd had her nose fixed. Hence, I grew up w/the awareness at a very young age that a nose could be changed. When I started to be told by my siblings, (I because was the eldest and responsibility was that I be in charge), the sibs would challenge me,
and invariably resort to making fun of my nose. Mother didn't add any kind of confidence along these lines either, since she told me I didn't look good with my hair parted in the center, WHY? She claimed it made my nose look too big. Thank You, mother!!!!!!! In addition, dad was no better when it was obvious that he favored my sister for her looks, and because I come from a culture that has looked upon a plump child as some kind of golden pear. I think in dad's case.....he favored this w/my sister because she obviously took after the women in his family who were not what I'd call overweight, however they were just nicely filled out. This is interesting too, because current day....my sister has a weight problem, as well as her two daughters. But anyway....I'm sure you get my drift, my parents in their own ways made it abundantly clear to me that my sister was both more attractive, as well as intelligent. This is interesting too, because several years before dad passed away.....(about the time my sister started to gain weight), dad finally confessed to me that he thought her weight was getting a bit out of control.

It took me years to get over the idea that I may just go and have Rhinoplasty on my nose. As the years passed.....actually I came to like my nose, it grew on me,
HAAH! My sister had surgery on her nose. I'm sorry, but I think she goofed doing something like this.......via the surgery they removed the bump, (like I have), but it made the area just under her eyes have a sunken in look. She looked o.k., however it did change the aspect of her face, IMO. As I've matured.....I'd just rather keep what the cosmos dealt out to me, in the looks area. Oh.....incidentally, I found out through my cousin (who had a previous close relationship w/sis), that my sis also had some kind of boob augmentation. I'd noticed some unusually more pronounce bulk in that area, but attributed it to the weight gain. When my cousin pointed this fact out to me, boy did it make me laugh in the sense for the sister that I know, who is very vain about looks. Anyway, I would never go under the knife.

But believe me......I know what it does to the self esteem. I grew up, thinking many times I was ugly, then I was also wearing glasses at a very young age, so that didn't help!
On account of this experience, I've learned to look at people in different way.
Then, there is this fakeness encouraged by our society to place so much emphasis on looks, gee whiz how profound is that. I've been reading lot's of posts and can't remember who wrote that apparently their beauty was the "barter," so to say to getting a man. What on earth......instead of demonstrating to a kid, that there are other way more important qualities needed for either or party to be in a loving and genuine relationship. Besides......as we all know as we become of a more seasoned age......the so called good looks doesn't last forever.

Your beautiful just the way you are, Emjo!
I had to really do some self talk to myself in this area, and come to discover that they the people who think this way, seem to feel they have a monopoly on their standard of beauty. But I do realize how it hurts. Also, people who say this kind of stuff usually are doing it to undermine our confidence, let's not forget that factor in all of this, too!

O.K., have a wonderful vacation, and well I'm going to repeat the same,
"Go do something good for yourself."

Much Love & Light!

Emjo,

I don't know what happened, but that last post is from Margeaux,
we are in Mercury Retrograde, you know.

AC, site lately didn't allow me to post a day or two, I'd written these long posts to people, and it would not post.

hi, everyone!
I am finally getting out of bed,
the swelling is going down on the foot surgery,
Hydrocodone did not do it for me, but Advil worked much better
I am on non weight bearing....duty.

We found a house to move into, saw it 3 days before the surgery, I won't be getting paid, but I won't have to pay rent. The dysfunctional sibs tried to contest the move, but ended up with the guardian, GAL, and bank examiner shaking their heads (when they were all in agreement) to what kind of people are these that would contest their mother living in a better environment?

Finally, the GAL who had been tough on us, as they had prejudged us as money grubber, irresponsible free loaders, but how can you argue when the proof is in the pudding?

We saw the tide turn...and are more relaxed, the house has one of those converted basements so allows me, at least the idea of leaving a working space and going to my own studio.

Thank you for all of your help and support, it means the world to me.

Joan having abuse in your life as a child I think contributes to fibro and this way of being raised does change who you become as adults-I was always called skinny and ugly and dumb and constantly being told things like I would never get married but I survived and think I turned out ok and now finally like who I am and have a great man in my life and his cousins treat me better than my family ever did-it took 70 years to get here but am enjoying every day of this life.

Veronica C does not surprise me with things-everything is well thought out and we both are frugal so no big surprises and he does not like to dress up either-we are going to dinner at his sportsmen club and I am suppose to wear a flannel shirt and jeans-I have not owned a flannel shirt since I was a kid.

How does one detach with love without becoming dead inside? Good question...some people can detach with little problems, just walk away and never look back. Because they did this...does it mean everyone they advise should do as they did? I think NOT. Sometimes walking away is the only answer to achieve peace. We all carry dysfunction when we come from a dysfunctional family. How we grow and change has no time limit based on how we did it. Each situation is individual, PTSD is a big problem with adults who were raised in abusive childhoods. Those who don't experience it...congrats because you are the minority. Don't expect others to progress in the same manor as you...we are not you...our experiences are not exactly alike, we have similarities, we have different personalities...not one of us has a perfect personality or mentality on how to get through the challenges of growth. Learn compassion and empathy...if you can't hang in there for the long run with someone...they back off.

This needed to said as I have realized that there are some people who expect others to be just like themselves..it doesn't work that way.

Just my rant for the day...hope it helps "someone" understand.

Austin there is usually aa good selection at the Salvation Army. No one is going to check to see if it buttons the right way. Just have a good time .

Spoke with my mom on the phone for about an hour yesterday eve. Something she said to me has stuck in my mind. She said "You do what you want, then make an excuse for it afterwards." She said this in reply to my trying to explain to her why I don't seek a close relationship with her, because its always so drama filled, and hurtful interactions. Now, I had gotten to a place, within past 6 months or so, where I didn't try to change her mind or make efforts for us to have any type of close and honest relationship… and that was BETTER. Me trying to be honest and reaching out from my heart, to my mom, always ends in my feeling frustrated. So I slipped up and again reverted to this sincere seeking understanding with her, and from her. No dice.

Her take on my words to her - that if we could manage to have conversations and visits that are pleasant or at least not horrible and destructive, then I would call or visit more - was to accuse me that I am "just doing what I really want to do and finding a reason for it." Hmm. I just don't get it. Its such common sense to me that human beings will avoid those people in life where there is consistently hurtful interaction. My trying to get her to see how this makes me not exactly keen on a close relationship with her led to an accusation, again, that its just me being selfish. Hmm.

I guess old habits are hard to break. Like many of you have said, I think I have to fully let go of the idea of a loving relationship with my mom, grieve the mom I don't have, never had, and never will. Then I would stop trying to "plead my case" with her. It just leads to more hurtful assumptions and accusations from her. I think of how I look in her eyes, and it hurts.

Well… 2 steps forward, 1 step back. It was a fresh reminder to treat these hurtful family relationships with detachment. Its just the only way I'm going to keep my sanity and any type of remotely healthy relationship with them.

Alison-
I am in the midst of something similar with my mom. She is angry with my sisters right now because she thinks they should be living here and doing what I do. It is her disease talking. As far as she is concerned, for the moment, they left home, eloped, moved in with boys and didn't tell her. Basically ran away. They are in their 50's and while our family was very dysfunctional, each of us goes on in our own way. One sib prefers weekly contact for a few hours, the other, rarely. She visited mom for about 20 minutes last week, the first time in two months, that is all she has to give. But like Sharyn said, we all have different thresholds that we are able to deal with effectively. Feeling resentment for other family members is a waste of energy and only harms ourselves. Maybe one day sis that rarely sees mom will come around, but I would be very surprised. She is a product of her environment and has not learned in 45 years how to get past it. That is just who she is, nothing I can do or think will ever change that.

ABB, I was like you. Long ago, I wanted my mom's affections. Her favorites were oldest bro (lives next door) and baby sister. I tried to be the perfect daughter. I did my best in school hoping to get praises. I thought I was succeeding. Then one day, when I was in middle school, she suddenly turned to me, and gave me this most hateful look in her face. She spat this word to me, "Delicao!" (I have always been skinny, underweight and sickly.) I was so shocked when I saw her hatred in her face and voice. I had always known our parents didn't love us. That's why we kept trying to get them to love us. But to see that hatred, it told me that she didn't even LIKE me, neither. After that, something ended in my relationship with her. I did try, when I was going to college, to try to build a relationship with her but... her dementia was coming too fast and the violent stage was in.

I think, if my mom had not shown that hatred to me, I would be like you. Still trying to get her affections, approval, etc... But because mom did it on her own to me at middle school, it was so much easier for me to detach and not seek hard for her affections/attention.

Each of us will reach that point of no return. Mine was in middle school. You're still on that journey. Until you admit, deep within, that what is - will always be - you will continue to strive forward, butting your head over and over. Only you will know when enough is enough. That you did your best. And it's time to move forward with NO regrets....even if she or your siblings try to put the guilt trip or blame on YOUR shoulders, you will know that you did your best. Eventually, you will reach that point. {{HUGS}}

Book, could that have been the beginning of her dementia?

Maybe, maybe not. When I was in elementary, she kept attacking my father with the butcher knife. She'll stand outside the bathroom door, and her voice will suddenly change from intense anger, to a very loving voice telling father that he's forgiven, etc... At the same time, she's standing, holding the knife ready when he opens it. When one of us siblings got into trouble, it wasn't only that person who got spanked, it was all of us. We all had to stand in line and watch as each one of us got spanked at least 5 times per person.... She never praised us, hugged us, etc... She was our mother, and she did her motherly duties.

Book, I am so sorry, no child should have to live that way. Each of us has our own dysfunction, but you and others I have read here had it much worse than I did.

Though my mom attempted suicide a number of times. I do not think they were serious attempts, more a demand for attention, her narcissism.

I recall as a small child my mother would scream "I wish I were dead!" Of course, it frightened me. It was such an unstable home life. I read something recently about children raised in environments where there is scarcity and how those children can grow up to be excessive worriers, because they feel so unprotected and unsafe. Thats very much how I felt growing up.

My mother's choices of what to expose me to at very young ages just baffles me. I've written on here before about the seminars I went to on Satanic occults and child sexual abuse and abortion… I went to these fear mongering seminars at the ages of like 5-8. I was really frightened of the world in general so young and I think this bad experience, that never really got better while I was growing up, just made me want to leave that environment, and those people (my family). But they don't see things this way, that it was sooooo bad. They think I'm overly sensitive and given to pity parties. Perhaps. But I still choose to find a life out in the world where people are generally stable and pleasant and not prone to fits of violence and crazy. :)

I'll respond later but all I can say right now is, "I don't want to go on this trip.
I am tired of these trips. I try to includethings ti make then more bear
"I am putting off packing
.

oops again

bearable,

I am putting off packing.
I am even putting off contacting people there I am happy to see, because I just don't want to go.

The only osert of

here we go again ] The only part o

something weird going on here - the only part of it I look forward to is spending a little time with G.

Oh well this too will pass. better quit while I am ahead.

Emjo, sorry that as the trip gets closer, that you're now having these feelings. Just make a list, and check off each one as you do it. I'd also pack something that you enjoy doing. I love reading. So, even though I was going to Hawaii and they have books, I still brought my own books. These are books that I enjoy the authors. I also downloaded some of my favorite authors on the Kindle. I have learned on my trip to Hawaii that reading for Hours on the kindle causes headaches and eye aches. So, if I ever go on another trip, I'm bringing More of the Real paperback books. But I will make sure it's funny, touching stories but not too wonderful that I would refuse to leave it behind at the hotel. Lugging my books to Hawaii, and then shopping spree, and then trying to Find space for my books on the way back home...I just couldn't leave my books behind. But no more ebook reading on the Kindle for hours on end. That should be reserved for the real books.

Maybe bring your crochet, or something that you enjoy to help you relax and de-stress from the vacation? If they provide wi-fi, you can always log in and check out what's happening here on AC. =)

I have had a lot of trouble with this site the last 2-3 weeks. They changed something. But my problem is the opposite of your Emjo. I will type an entry, hit submit then I wait and wait and get an error unable to load page. Mostly happens on my dinosaur of a tablet. Biggest technology purchase mistake I ever made. HP touchpad.

Hi. I'm new here, found this site in the nick of time. I have been caring for my narcissistic mother for 5 yrs. My childhood incl molestation from 2 different family members, who didn't even know each other (one was a step grandfather the other my bio father). With lots of therapy I've come to understand a bit of myself and why I react the way I do.

But, back to my mother...I tried to go on a short vacation and while I was away she scooted up the stairs on her butt (she can barely walk with a walker, Parkinsons) thinking she needed to feed the cat. She demands I get rid of her aid, who's put up with her for 4 yrs, because she actually sasses mom back. Mom treats her terrible, witnessed by others. I want to put her in AL. I still work full time and she is alone much more than she should be. She is so mean she chases everyone else away incl my son.

Tonight she confronted me that Gwen HAD TO GO. I told her I thought she wasn't safe here any more and that started the whole blow up. I get emotional, thats wrong. She accuses me of "throwing her out" when I moved her Into my home, that I got just so I could have a place to keep her. She claims I didn't tell her I was moving her out. She does't remember repeatedly demanding when was she moving in with me. It was a big production and she says I didn't give her any warning... I dreaded doing it but she really was needing more help. She's 87 and in very poor health.

She claims she is always straight and honest but I know for a fact she is secretive and flat out lies. She could pull the wool over my eyes as a kid but I grew up and am very tuned into her BS.

I have some numbers for AL in the area, actually called but they didn't return the call. I'm at my wits end. I'm going on 60 and would like to retire but can't with her here.

I haven't read all the posts but what I have read so far validates whats going on.

I'm tired. Well, better go check on mom, she was saying something about cutting her throat, all because I wouldn't sit there and let her excoriate me.