The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Hi DiLynn, Welcome to AC (agingcare). I’m not familiar with AL to be able to give you some pointers. I, too, work full-time and oldest sis babysits father. I say babysit because sis doesn’t do pampers or any other get-down-and-dirty caregiving. She just babysits. Father is getting forgetful. And it’s a constant struggle because he doesn’t remember that he just ate 30 minutes ago. Or that the nurse came this morning (whereas he says it was yesterday. ) And because I didn’t give him his 1st pill (given at breakfast), he wants Both pills for dinner. So, as I read your words, I can definitely sympathize with you. I think you may have to just take a few afternoons off to go down in person to the AL places. Just so that it doesn’t affect your work too much and get your coworkers angry, maybe take the afternoon off at 2 or 3pm every other Wednesdays until you find the right AL.

Allison what your mother is doing is Projection,where one person acusses the other of doing what they are doing. You have to learn to ignore it.

Glad I too have problems. I post and never see it

DiLynn Welcome. You will find a lot of support here from really caring people who have a lot of experience to share so ask away.

Emjo Sorry you are feeling this way. I think it is just the effort of getting up the strength to do things and may have something to do with the time of year too. We should still be in hibernation like the poor old groundhog. I find I want to do things but can't face the getting there from here. maybe it is just old age. I don't know about you but it is difficult to come to terms with not being 50 anymore.

Sharyn it is hard giving up the ideas of having a sis to share things with. I still have to remind myself that expecting "normal" from my sis will land me in grief. Re suggestions -I don't know about backing off completely as your sis has fallen down at times. But you don't want to get sucked into being the person that bails her out either. Maybe try backing off for a while and then just asking how things are progressing.

Alison I think the labeling is in part to make us second guess ourselves. I have done a lot of that. Sometimes it is not so much the label as that you ARE labelled which then denies the part of you that is outside the label. They never said that I was not good looking only that my sister was and that I was the smart one. What message does that send to both of us? I was told I would only get a man who likes my cooking. That denies a whole lot about me. And I have been called selfish and rude too by someone who was being selfish and rude!!! I was told that my sister needed a man but I didn't. So it is obviously all wrong that I have Gary and my sis has this once a week email/once a year visit relationship with someone who has other women on the side. I am not cooperating with their plan for me!!! Fat chance. Yes, keep the distance then their comments don't hurt as much. I agree that your bro is happy being in control of dad and keeping you out of the loop. Fine, make your own plans don't offer to do anything, let them deal with him and get on with your own life. I quit worrying about why they are like that -it only matters that they are and dealing with them as they are.

book - you have developed a good defense and not absorbed that cr*p they laid on you.

cm - We (the royal "we") are not paupers -love it!!!

veronica - new money is not as good as old money! lol Yes we get PBS and Down Town Abbey. I am sorry it took you so long to get over the "stupid" label, very obviously you are not.

margeaux -I love a good strong nose -adds character and can be beautiful. Boob job, oh my goodness . Yes ,many more qualities that are much more important. Again, not that they said I was not good looking but my sis was labeled the pretty one and me the smart one - not good for either of us. Sis has blonde hair and blue eyes which is a necessity to mother to be a pretty baby -I have dark blond/light brown hair and brown eyes. The first thing me sys said to me when she saw Gordie whose dad is dark as he is native, was "He is fair". Gordie had blonde hair as a baby. I always wondered what she would have said he if hadn't been.

Iwentanon - glad you are recovering and have found a house which is a better environment, and that the third parties are beginning to see the truth. ((((hugs)))

gladimhere - good thing your mum did not succeed with the attempts. I took training and was told to always take them seriously. Something seems to be unstable on this site sometimes.

Alison you are not overly sensitive - you have been exposed to some horrible things and it is healthy to want to get away from such things and a dysfunctional family

book I always make lists and check them off and yes the hotel has wifi and I always bring my computer and my bathing suit as well as they have a hot tub and a pool.

welcome, DiLynn - sounds like you have a handful. Find a facility for her. Go in person. She won't be any less happy. I am 76 and still caregiving though at a distance. This is not what I planned for my retirement. My mother is 101 and going strong except for her mental illnesses. It is getting to be too hard on me. Come back and let us know how you make out.

Veronica - time of year doesn't help, but it is having to make the effort once again to deal with mothers messes. Another week shot, my energy is limited and I have so much I need to do around this house. This week was pretty well shot as I had some allergic reactions and so it goes. Too much of my depleting energy goes towards mother. You mention being 50. Then I had the energy to do things for her and for me. Now I have to pick and choose more and don't want to give myself the short end of the stick. I need what energy I have to live my life. She has a newly furnished 2 bedroom apartment that some day, and maybe soon, will need to be dismantled. It boggles me. I already dealt with her old one 4 years ago. I cant keep doing this. Thank God for Gary who helps me. I am about ready to open the doors and advertise every thing for free - just come and get it. I'll pay if you need it moved! lol

Emjo, I have to ask do you use your computer in your room while wearing bathing suit, or take computer with you to swimming pool or hot tub. Sorry, just needed a ridiculous laugh today.

lol - I thought about that when wrote it. Oh well, good for a laugh we all need them. Laugh at the thought of 10 lbs of rotting moose meat in the bus depot. They will find it if they follow their noses. I am not impressed!

Thanks for the welcome. I'm so torn about what to do. She got up, made coffee, opened the blinds and made her bed, everything folded perfectly. Moving like a snail, but completing chores. My friends say the only reason she has made it this far is because she lives with me. She is also diabetic, has 3 stents in the heart and a pacemaker, bad arthritis etc. Gwen, the aid, my angel, puts up with her tantrums but calls it like it is. Do I replace Gwen, who can drop by in a minute if needed; Or get a regular 4 hr min. stranger?

When mom said Gwen called her a b****, my first thought was "what were you doing to have her say that" "she's only verbalizing what I'm always thinking".

Gwen said her comment was a response to mom's usual tirade, overbearing and self centered. "Stop acting like a bitch, let's get going". Mom was acting out because I had the audacity to go out of town on a much needed vacation for 5 days. Not related to my home situation, but my vacation ended up with my travel companion being hospitalized for 2 days. WTF!! I took the trip trying to get Away from that crap.

I'm thinking I need to get mom and Gwen in couple counseling.

DiLynn whatever you do do not replace Gwen.She knows what she is doing and can handle Mom a new one would not last five minutes then you would really be in trouble. It may be true that Mom has lasted this long because she is being cared for by you and Gwen. does not mean you have to destroy your life for her though. Keep going away even if it is only for one night to stay with a friend You need to relax. mom is never going to change she has had a life time of practice and it has worked for her. Maybe you should follow Gwen's example and tell Mom like it is.
Gwen does not need counciling and it would be a waste of money for Mom she already knows she is right.

Emjo I don't think the moose will be rotted it is still probably frozen solid or made a nice Sunday roast for someone. I bet you told the bus people what was in the packages.

Actually, Veronica, I got a call and the missing moose meat has turned up. It took 2 days to make a 5 hr. journey. I think it went on the Calgary and was sent back or something like that. I did not say what was in the packages other that it was perishable. They will send it to its destination - the depot near ex mil - tomorrow. They found the other parcel yesterday and ex has picked it up already. They also said the boxes are stored at same temp as outside so it will still be frozen. Finally!!! I will call mil tomorrow to make sure she has it. I am relieved I don't have to go through this again.

DiLynn - I agree about Gwen. Keep her - she sounds a treasure and has her head screwed on straight. And take time for yourself no matter if mum doesn't like it. Narcissists must have the world revolve around them. Mother always creates a crisis when I go on holiday. I finally figured it out and ignore her. Then, aged 101, she tried to fly alone across the country and created a mess. I respond less and less to the messes and she has gotten herself into psych hospital and is going to be put on antipsychotics one way or another, whether she likes it or not. The more you cater to them, the worse they are towards you. So sorry about your little vacation. Take another one and make sure you have a good break. It is necessary.

Off on the plane tonight. I have gotten over my dread of the trip and have a supper date with that journalist and his wife. I will also see mother's financial advisor one day, and the Director of her ALF, and the Director of Health and Wellness there. Gary will pick me up from the airport and hopefully we will have some hot tub time. Maybe I can get a bit of mall crawling in too.

I think it is good, at least once, to meet the people who are making these decisions about mother. You get a better sense of one another. One of the disadvantages of distance caregiving is not being face to face. Can be an advantage too sometimes.

Heard again from the friend of long ago - another case of family dysfunction, sibling issues etc. so I think I can share more. I am afraid she thinks we were a normal happy family. NOT! Just as much dysfunction as hers I would say. Oh well, another bubble burst.

Have a good day and do something good for you.

Have a good trip Emjo. I agree it is good to meet people face to face especially healthcare professionals you can tell a lot by body language. You and I are both old enough to see beyond the facade. I like to think not much gets past me and if I am not sure err on the safe side. i describe myself as a nasty suspicious old lady.

I am pretty suspicious too, Veronica. Gary says I must be from Missouri. I need to check things out for myself. Every time I don't. I get trouble.

I just called my Dad after I had a chance to recover from being with my mother today.
Mom lives nearby, Dad remarried decades ago. Allison, you have written what I could have written myself. That's how it is. There is no winning any love, no pleasing them and you and I feel hurt and maybe even abandoned. My poor Dad is now 95, blind and pretty much deaf. His beloved wife, Roz has dementia. Mom is relatively healthy for 92 but emotionally volatile and can no longer relate to others. She seems to be acting all the time, but this is how she always was.
I had hung up the phone after Dad couldn't think of anything to say to me.
I stumbled over to the kitchen aimlessly in tears. "They both are not there for me any more. They never were really, but now it's not their fault." What a flood of emotions!

Wow, Book! I think you ought to write one! I am sorry you had such an awful childhood. That makes mine look like Snow white with her happy dwarves. I just heard NPR, Ira Glass's show do a story on abusive families. It was mostly about people who try to overcome their past through others.

There was a time when I saw my mom a few times a year and we went ballroom dancing and were both single and attractive. We became very close and I thought she had progressed enough so I could forgive her for her abusive behavior as a young mother. I knew her whole life story by the time I was in my 40s. But now she is 92 and she has been someone else. One day she makes an effort to be nice but it is phoney. A tiny bit of appreciation comes through but it seems only part of her strings attached manipulation. It's always about her. All lopsided and one sided. It is so hard to grieve the whole gamut of my life with her! And to see her daily, trying and like you said, banging my head against the wall, hoping she can accept love or give it. I hate who I've become: detached and single grunts or muttering under my breath when she says sarcastic, manipulative, put downs, or just complains all the time. So hard to let go but at the same time I pray for her peaceful final parting. I pray for all of us, that we somehow come out of all of this a better and better person for ourselves, or maybe that we finally just love ourselves for who we are every day.

I think this last bit your wrote, Juddha, is what I'm trying to put in place PERMANENTLY (or as permanently as I can) in my own life. To love myself, accept myself, for who and how I am. I KNOW beyond all doubt that I try to be a loving, caring, accepting, kind, good person. When I get nothing but "negative reviews" so consistently from my immediate family, it just makes me think maybe I've got it all backwards somehow? But… I look at the evidence and I say "no"… I'm not being selfish. I'm avoiding over-interacting with people that have a lifetime of showing me they can be very volatile and hurtful to me. I've never been allowed to "have a point," with regards to anything that I can recall. Ever. So for me to try and see their side so consistently, and them not ever see mine at all, tells me what I need to know, I think. Like sharyn said, not one of us is a perfect person. I've always made allowances for different ideas, different personalities. But my difference of personality is labeled as my being selfish. Thats not fair nor true.

My mother said many things to me the other night on the phone. Her declaration (and she was so sure she had figured me out, the way she said it) that I "will do what I want to do anyway, but then will find a reason for it afterwards." I should've added she prefaced that statement with "I've figured this out about you." I kid you not, that is what she said to me. And I'm stunned, anew, by her lack of ability to see how soft my heart is towards her and how much I'm trying to reach some level of real connection with her, even if we agree to disagree. But she thinks I am a certain kind of person that I am not. And I'm done trying to tell her differently. It only adds to my hurt. So… she puts herself in a spot to take no responsibility/accountability for any breakdown in relationship between her and I. It is only me doing what I will do, regardless. How convenient for her to think this way.

I feel sorry for her. Her own mother was and is so cruel to her. I heard some stories from my mom that I had missed witnessing, at holiday time, since I wasn't there this year. My maternal grandmother told my mother she had no brains, never did, never will. My maternal grandmother also walked out in a huff in the middle of the family gathering, due to misunderstanding. So, yeah, I've got these dysfunctional characters all around me in my family. And I'm learning… from you guys… and from life's experience… that there is only one way to keep my heart from being broken by them - detachment. Whether its mental, emotional, or geographical, lol! Sometimes the easiest, for me, is geographical. : )

My older bro certainly is keeping me out of the loop. I found out my father had problem with catheter and they had to take him to VA in Indianapolis. I wonder if they think I am neglecting in his care… I don't think they realize he has to come back here and I have to set up his home nurse, again, since he was gone due to mold remediation. I just don't really care anymore, though, if they want to make assumptions about me. They think I am SOOOOOO selfish. They have no idea what I do… and I'm tired of being on defensive and having to "plead my case," like I said. No more.

Well, it helps my heart to know so many of you understand and can sympathize. Veronica, you mentioned "projection." I've so often thought this is EXACTLY what my mother and brother do… its so obvious to me they are guilty of what they are accusing me of. But you cannot reason with a closed mind and heart. They are so sure of themselves and their judgment of me. :( Oh, schwell. Its a good learning experience for me, one I was bound to have to face at some point in order to learn to have healthy relationships with them. And that IS my goal: healthy relationships with my family. I cannot undo what God has done, sticking us together in biology. I wonder at times, with humor, why I got stuck in this particular family… but its a done deal, so sooner I learn to really manage these relationships, will be better all around.

I had sent my SIL an email… trying to ensure they knew, she knew, I was willing to be helpful in any capacity. I even asked her if her children liked the Christmas gifts I thoughtfully chose for them. I received no reply. I sent a text asking her, did she receive email from me? No reply. My family has decided I am not worth communicating with. That hurts. It just… hurts. And the one person that did call on my birthday (I always call or text bro and sil on their brays, they don't bother with mine, thats ok), my mom, just tells me, in so many words, how awful I am of a daughter. Maybe my reaction right now is what they mean, when they say I feel so sorry for myself. Because I feel like they are hurtful, and I don't understand why they can't see that not responding to me is hurtful. Some time ago, when the allegations of financial abuse came up, my bro and mom DEMANDED that I communicate with them about everything going on with my dad. I've complied. My bro takes my dad for a few weeks and now its "radio silence." Why are they so one sided? Why am I the enemy? And yet, I always have been the object of their suspicions.

Ok, thanks for letting me rant. Emjo, enjoy that trip! I hope you have lots of hot tubbing time. : )

Don't want to change the subject....... but its been a really bad week, day and worse evening! Trying to make sense of so much craziness...... The only thing I can do is pray....... and think about my son's US Navy Seal Team motto:" The only easy day was yesterday!" And tell myself..... Yes I can do this! Maybe?

I think we're on the same subject, norest, lol. I was enlisted in USN in my younger years, btw… very familiar with the motto, "the only easy day was yesterday."

I don't splurge on much at all these days, but saw a little wall hanging in Menards the other day on clearance - "Keep Calm and Carry On." I stuck that sucker on the kitchen wall here. Now, if I would just read it and comply. : ) (((hugs)))

Thanks Alison, I am too a vet! cried in the shower did no good! What doesn't break us makes us! Arghhhhh!

aw, my heart bleeds for you guys - Juddha, Alison and norest

Juddha and Alison - they certainly aren't there for you and probably never were.

I know the distortions well - the distorted views of relationships and individuals I see that you guys are grieving and that is what you need to do as well as detaching. I have said for years that my mother and my sister don't know me - they make me up to be what they need me to be in their unhealthy minds.

Yes, Juddha - like many of us - you have been emotionally abandoned - probably some time ago. Facing that they no longer have the choice takes it to another level of pain

Alison - detaching has to be emotional and mental, and can also be geographical. You have to do the work of the heart to get to that safe place within yourself. It is work and hard work.

The labels - like selfish can be another projection, and also are a way of attacking you to put you on the defensive so they can manipulate you easier.

Thinking about healthy relationships with unhealthy people. I don't think you can have a healthy relationship with an unhealthy person. A relationship depends on both people and if one is unhealthy they will bring unhealthy aspects into the relationship[. No matter how healthy I am, my relationship with my mother is unhealthy (toxic) because she is a mentally unhealthy person. My question is "Can I stay healthy when in a relationship with an unhealthy person?" If I am careful to keep my boundaries and practice detachment at least, I may be able to, but there always will be stress. I find I have to detach and withdraw periodically to recover, so it is not a normal relationship in any sense. It is like having a ripe apple and a rotten apple and putting them together. If they are too close the ripe one will start rotting. Maybe not the best analogue...

norest - I am sorry you are having a meltdown - can you share more? would it help to vent the details? In any case (((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

Self acceptance is so important. On my profile these days...

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She offered kindness and patience to everyone but herself. She decided to give herself the gift of treating herself as she would someone she loved very much. It was about time. – Queenisms™
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Arrived at the hotel to find that I had booked the room for the wrong city - darn website options. They got me in for two nights, and Wednesday but Tuesday I may be out of luck. They said to check Tuesday morning for cancellations. Oh well! If need be I will probably be able to camp in mother's apartment. She is not using it. But I hate having to pack up for one night and that's the night I am having dinner with my new friends.

Take care all and do something good for you. I am going to hit the hot tub tomorrow.

aw, my heart bleeds for you guys - Juddha, Alison and norest

Juddha and Alison - they certainly aren't there for you and probably never were.

I know the distortions well - the distorted views of relationships and individuals that I see you are grieving and that is what you need to do as well as detaching. I have said for years that my mother and my sister don't know me - they make me up to be what they need me to be, in their unhealthy minds.

Yes, Juddha - like many of us - you have been emotionally abandoned - probably some time ago. Facing that they no longer have the choice takes it to another level of pain

Alison - detaching has to be emotional and mental, and can also be geographical. You have to do the work of the heart to get to that safe place within yourself. It is work and hard work.

The labels - like selfish - can be another projection, and also are a way of attacking you to put you on the defensive so they can manipulate you easier.

Thinking about healthy relationships with unhealthy people. I don't think you can have a healthy relationship with an unhealthy person. A relationship depends on both people and if one is unhealthy they will bring unhealthy aspects into the relationship. No matter how healthy I am, my relationship with my mother is unhealthy (toxic) because she is a mentally unhealthy person. My question is "Can I stay healthy when in a relationship with an unhealthy person?" If I am careful to keep my boundaries and practice detachment at least, I may be able to, but always there will be stress. I find I have to detach and withdraw periodically to recover, so it is not a normal relationship in any sense. It is like having a ripe apple and a rotten apple and putting them together. If they are too close the ripe one will start rotting. Maybe not the best analogue...

norest - I am sorry you are having a meltdown - can you share more? would it help to vent the details? In any case (((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

Self acceptance is so important. On my profile these days...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She offered kindness and patience to everyone but herself. She decided to give herself the gift of treating herself as she would someone she loved very much. It was about time. – Queenisms™
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Arrived at the hotel to find that I had booked the room for the wrong city - darn website options. They got me in for two nights, and Wednesday but Tuesday I may be out of luck. They said to check Tuesday morning for cancellations, so say a prayer for me. Oh well! If need be I will probably be able to camp in mother's apartment. She is not using it. But I hate having to pack up for one night and that's the night I am having dinner with my new friends.

Take care all and do something good for you. I am going to hit the hot tub tomorrow.

the gremblins are out - how on earth did that happen!

I so understand what you all are saying. My mother label me as fat, stupid, lazy and irresponsible. This even after I have been the one who has been there for my mother much more than my sister. I have learned that the one who is there, takes the full force of the abuse while the others who are not there, are held up as heroes. It is about what the parent can't have with their other children but they don't appreciate what they have with one who is there.

Alison, you have healthy thinking...not your family. This is what happens in most cases when one leaves the nest as you did moving to California. You experienced reality by getting away from your family. Then moving back...you experienced family members who are still stuck in the dysfunction playing the designated roles assigned by your parents. This is where my sister is still at..she is special, she is in need by my mother so everyone else suffers because as long as my mother is needed by someone...she is important. As long as my sister is getting this need of importance fed my by mother...my sister is important too. It is like a parasitic relationship that is symbiotic. A parasite feeds such as mistletoe does on a tree...we use it as a Christmas festive tradition but the mistletoe is really killing the tree. Because my mother and sister never got along...my mother named her as the person in charge (an honor..to buy sister's love) sis feeds off this because she has always felt she could never do enough to honor our mother. I am not saying that I should be in charge ( I don't want to be)...I gave up long ago trying to get our mother's approval...sis has not given up. Our mom knows this about me and my sister. A symbiotic dysfunctional relationship that I want no part of.

I realized after reading my above post that I sound really cold. I just don't think that any of us should have to feed someones ego to get along with them.
Hugs to everyone!!

You aren't cold sharyn - you have accepted some harsh realities. (((((hugs))))

Thank you Joan!!! I have accepted it but it still hurts. Hugs to you!!

Oh my, ladies. I'm learning. I want to make my heart catch up with my logic. And I see the logic in what you say, sharyn, emjo. Sorry if I bring up bad memories for you, seems only natural that what I'm going through will make you "relive" your own path with dys family… especially these dang moms… whats with these crazy b****es? Ok, said that to make you guys smile. I hope you do. I hope I do. We go on. : )

Alison-please do not.feel that what you ate going through is responsibile for what I am feeling. This is how we help each other. What I am feeling had to come out eventually. I thank you. For helpingnme to address some issues I beef address for my growth. HUG to you!

Oh darn. Kindle changing my words..Lol!