The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

I have to see that while I may have my relationship with my mother going smooth... I amstill struggling with my. Relationship with my sister. I feel my relationship with her is very superficial. I. honestly don't know if I am the superficial one or my sister or if it is a combination of both of us.. I am going yo beck out...not sure what to think right and I may not have the words to use. Quiet time is needed

I have decided to finally fill out the IHSS papers to get her into the system. Everyone is right that I need to keep Gwen in the picture. She is IHSS certified, but I need more people involved. We had another caregiver who like mom was also German, she was OK until the bank double debited the account when she used it for mom. Totally the banks fault, but the upset it caused led to her not coming back. Very sad. Poor Gwen has been the only other caregiver for years. I meant to do the IHSS referral last year when my brother was visiting for a few months, mom pulled this same stunt when I took a trip with brother and son.

And yes, I will have to have another conversation with mom where I put my foot down. It has helped in the past. I think I would miss her if I put her in AL just now. She can still get up to let our cat inside. It gives her a purpose.

I am having her sign the paperwork even though I can. It will let her know I'm working on it. But nothing will be put in place by the next time I work W-F, guess she'll just have to suck it up.

Emjo and all, I guess things that bother us the most can be the hardest to talk about. I try and do what is right...... We all come from families that in some way are dysfunctional. My husband's family had an "image" to portray being parents were both respected head of department teachers. In a small town everyone knows everyone. So the dysfunction of this family was well covered up. My sister in law, age 60, is a narcissist. The world spins around at her command and has manipulated her mother, who in her best days could not stand up to her. Her children and boyfriend even voice for her not to do things such as: remove our photos from frames we bought and put her own in, and take out pages from Mom's careplan/scheduale and sabotage her care. Now sadly Mom (MIL) does not know from minute to minute what is going on. The SIL and boyfriend have exploited her mother of valuables, and then coherced her mother to sign a paper she was giving her daughter these things. She has admitted in a phone text she took these things and will not return them. We have learned they have committed grand theft, conspiracy to commit theft, and crimes against the elderly. These are punishable by fines and up to 7 years prison/and be left with a criminal record. Though my MIL has had 2 neuro/psych evals, deeming her incompetant, a lawyer has told my husband it would cost up to $25,000 to go to court. She needs this money for her live in care. Putting her through court at a stage of severe alzheimers is disturbing on many levels. I said from the get go to call police. I'd have her and boyfriend's ass in jail in a heartbeat.....Our marriage has suffered through this and husband began projecting a multitude of things on me. It is extremely hurtful. So hurtful I cannot even talk about it. I am impatient with the outcome of this, and am a person to take action full speed ahead..... I would have the police go to her daycare workplace and arrest her (yes there are people out there like this taking care of other people's children) So ontop of this issue another blow last week.....
I learned an agency who was supposed to be monitoring finances for my disabled sister, has allowed an incompetant person to blow through $92,000 in 2 years...... she could potentially now become homeless.
I am feeling a huge sense of loss...not really a meltdown, a loss.. have had too many.
Thanks!

AC you need to correct the posting issues on this site. Please check into it...it is happening too often for many of us.

My mother, who always has treated me like dirt, has been living with me for a year after doctors said she should not live alone. The problem is she relates to my sister, a self-absorbed leach very much like herself. I have taken control of most of my mother's money to pay her bills so she spends the rest on sweets she shouldn't have or on my sister. I am thinking about taking the rest of her money and making her make all purchases through me so she will not sabotage her own health or give my sister money. I get tired of hearing her tell others every night how terrible her life is here when she has been given everything and she sabotages it all. Just had to vent. :(

CCG, probably a silly question but: why is your mother living with you and not with your sister, her kindred spirit?

Alison - nothing to apologize for - rest assured that the bad memories come up with you having anything to do with it. Life has triggers...

Sharyn backing off sounds like a good idea - get some perspective. I don't think you are shallow. I have the same feeling about me and sis and always have - very superficial

DiLynn - sounds like you are finding solutions. I am finding that having "the system" involved is helping with my mother.
((((((((((norest))))))))) that is a severe blow indeed. Hopefully there are some community resources for your sister. It must be quite a worry to you. I gather no action is being taken with your sil. I hope she has stopped taking stuff. Narcissists are so difficult to deal with. I am so sorry that this is causing problems between you and your husband. Would counselling or mediation help? Family matters, especially when there is serious dysfunction, can be terribly painful. I think of the Serenity Prayer - God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Deep breaths (((((((((((hugs))))))))) to you

ccg - welcome - vent away! It does sound like you need more control over finances. I too wonder why she is with you and not your sis. Some people are negative - no matter what you do for them, they complain. It seems they enjoy their misery. (((((hugs)))))

cm - good to see you around. Is the house sale in the offing?

Emjo the house sale is getting under way. I am trying not to feel tearful about it. I'm not doing that well!

Tried mind-mapping options about where we go from here - usually mind maps work pretty well for me - but in ten minutes I ended up with a picture of spaghetti on speed. Too many unknowns. I just can't see where to start with my preferred flow diagram type decision making process. End up feeling sick with anxiety. And hard done by! - which really doesn't help.

Oooooo dear deep breaths. Need to get mother ready for a trip to x-ray, smiley smiley no sense in getting her stressed out too.

How are plans for the cruise going, I keep forgetting to ask?

What a trip - the plane was delayed, and there was a mess up with the hotel reservation, so I don't have a room here for tonight unless there is a cancellation. Weighing if it is better to move to another hotel for 2 nights or just stow my luggage here, take an overnight bag and stay in the guest room at mother's ALF tonight which would be cheaper, but more moving around. Of course, this is the day that I have the meeting with the psychiatrist in the morning and also a dinner date - which I might cancel with probably having to move hotels and having mother stuff on my mind. I thought I could have a quiet afternoon getting ready for dinner. Aaaargh!

When I visited mother's ALF, they said there would be conditions if she is to return i.e. she would have to take her meds. There is no way she would last in any "normal" facility without taking her meds. Part of me thinks that she would be better off in a psych facility with staff who can deal with her. This may well get worse - it certainly has been - and whether the meds can "fix" it and continue to "fix" it is a question to which we don't have the answer.

On the bright side, I found a cute pair of Italian shoes, wedgies with straps, not too high and very comfortable, in a nice marine blue, and on sale for less than $20. As well, finally, got a new purse and have transferred everything. The other one was literally falling apart.

Also, on the bright side, I think I had lunch with an angel. I went to the food court in the mall, following visiting the ALF, and after I had started to eat a sprightly older lady, in her 90s I would say, came right over and asked if she could sit with me while she waited for her order. We smiled and talked about this and that, nothing heavy, but there was a warmth between us. I asked if she was from the ALF ( it s connected to this mall) and she nodded. We talked about the weather, the ALF, the food at the food court and so on, and as we were talking I realised that that was the kind of interaction I very much would have liked from my mother. In a way, she reminded me of my aunt in my father's side - not in looks, but in temperament. As I finished my meal, she got up, I thought to get her order from the place behind us. I turned to wave goodbye to her and there was no old lady in sight anywhere and no where she could possible have gone that quickly. I teared up, of course, and wished I had my sunglasses on. It was a little cameo of what lunch with a normal mother and daughter could be, a small gift, but bittersweet...

Have a good day everyone and do something good for you!

DON'T CANCEL THAT DINNER DATE! And have a modest glass of Burgundy for me, please!

Gosh, cm, sorry you are under such stress This is a very big transition and I can understand the anxiety. Mind maps are a good tool. Hope you get past this stage soon, to something more productive. I find the pros and cons thing helpful. Deep breaths - do you have any meds to help you through this?

Cruise - in March, Bahamas, a top hotel there and Florida - that's all I know. Gary plays his cards close to his chest. We have so little time together these days, there are more important things to talk about, or just the need to have some normal quiet time together. The horse case is today and he is fearing losing most of them, which I think is unlikely, but I understand his fear. Courts deal in legalities, not justice.

Life is not easy is it? Hence my penchant for relying on "pockets of peace" for a break. (((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))) and wishes for many pockets of peace for you as you figure your life out. I know you still have feelings for your partner.

I am thinking about the dinner date. G may be a bit of a mess not sure what to do.

CM... hang in there....... when things get filled with anxiety its hard to see the light at end of tunnel. Praying for peace for you..... I just took my dog for a walk... it helps! Emjo, you go on that dinner date and do this for YOU!

Emjo I am trying to figure out the meaning of the angel that visited you. It was meant to help in someway to get through this phase with mother.
Maybe if you can put this woman in mothers body it would help. No that's not right she came to tell you that mother can't be changed and you have to deal with this person in your mothers body as if you did not have a connection, just a responsibility to make the best decisions for her welfare with the expert advise that is currently available to you. I am just writing my thoughts here as they come out but I think that spiritual guardian was very powerful.
Now better thought out Mom can't return to the ALF without behaviour modification.
Mom won't take the drugs.
ALF, and I am making an assumption here, can't forcibly administer the meds.
Mom is smater than all the staff put together so tricks won't work.
Do they have a 300 lb former wrestler on staff to hold her down while someone pours them down her throat while she coughs and chokes.
Likewise can same wrestler hold her down while someone gives them to her by injection.
Is she going to be happy in that environment/
Is the ALF prepared to do that?
The mentally ill have extreme strength when challenged.
Your mother is very fit for almost 102 but even a few arm wrestlings will probably break a few bones.
i have no experience of psychiatric facilities but I am sure they have a tried and true method of restraint that causes minimal trauma. Once the drugs are working it will be easier but still beyond the scope of ALF staff because she is never going to accept this voluntarily.
So what is the answer?
You tell me.
What are your goals for your mother?
Set things in motion now.
You have so many health problems that I would hate to hear that Mom was still going strong and you were totally incapacitated or worse.
If you can't direct the orchestra what decisions will sis make?
That spirit came to tell you to make the decisions however hard thay may be to ensure the only future possible for Mom and set them in stone to the best of your ability.
i wish you a pocket of peace when you make these decision either today or after you have had a chance to weigh the consequences not only to mother but yourself and your future with Gary. You are right courts deal with the law not justice. I have to point this out next time hubby starts a rant about injustice and harsh sentences.
i will be thinking about you this morning and looking for your report if you have the strength this afternoon.

Go, it will take both your minds of present problems. Enjoy

DiLynn good for you -do not let her ruin your life where does it say we have to give up our life for our parents or spouse-my late husband hated me going any place when he decided he needed complete care even though he could do things for himself-he felt he was entitled to let others do all the hard stuff in life-but I still got out at least once a week to go to be with my lady friends at our senior center making cancer pads to donate to nursing homes and cancer hospitals.

thanks norest and veronica

veronica - thanks, but there is no fear of me being incapacitated. I will cut her out before that happens. I do have some health issues but they are not that serious and what I have is pretty much control, though certainly they are exacerbated by stress, as is every illness. Even a couple of weeks without phone calls is doing me a world of good and shows me that if they start again I have to do something like changing my phone number or blocking mother's.

Re the ALF and returning there, as far as I can see injections are the only answer, and they would have to be administered by the mental health nurse. The only way it might work is if mother has been on them for a few weeks before she is released, as she would be calmer. Even that may not work. I am leaning more and more towards the psych facility, as we do not know what lies ahead.

Re decisions - the health system is really in charge of those unless I protest or don't cooperate. They have certified her. Truly, they are making the choices with my input and looking for my agreement/cooperation. Sis does not even know what is happening and I will keep it that way as far as I am able. Eventually she will find out and I will deal with it then.

I am not sure we will make many decisions today, but rather, perhaps, look at what are reasonable directions to go in. They will not do the psychological testing until she has been on the drug for some time, as they say her present condition will influence the tests negatively. I suppose the alternative to not taking the drug is to live in a psych facility the rest of her life, which may be the outcome anyway. If she is on the drug she will not be living with fear. If she is not on the drug she will be troubled by the bizarre thoughts and living with fear.

The choices aren't great, but that is not unusual as people age.

Thanks for the support, everyone ((((((((((hugs)))))))) I will check in later.

Emjo, It sure seems like it would be best for her to be in a setting where people can handle her best. The psychiatric hospital you mentioned seems the best place where she can be handled properly. Is that an option? You are in my prayers.

Pockets of peace-I did that -not knowing what it was I was trying to do when caring for the husband-I got a nice sitting chair into my bedroom and put a ptrtty cover on it for a place to be away from his bellowing for a while-it made me feel comfort even though it was very simple-I think we all need pockets of peace.

Welcome DiLynn, I hope you can get another caregiver that you and your mother like as well as the other one. Come back when you are ready.
Norestforweary~That is so sad what happened to your sister. Now what, is she being taken care of somewhere? I pray things settle down for you soon.
Joan~That is too bad about the reservations, an inconvenience for sure. The health professionals may not suggest your mom go back to the ALF as they continue to treat her and see how difficult she can be. I hope you go to dinner with your friends, a night to relax without thinking about your mother.

I watered the flowerbeds at mom's house Saturday. It has been very warm here, 65-70 during the day, very unusual for this time of year. My sister called me Friday. I tried to call her Saturday when I discovered the toilet in the front bathroom is not flushing. Sis tuned off the water to the toilet in the master bath as it was running constantly so I don't know if it affected the other bath as well. Sis didn't answer the phone (no surprise) so I sent her an email. She responded this morning saying she was having shortness of breath all weekend and spent Monday at Kaiser getting tests run. She has been diagnosed with CHF. I don't know what this means for her future, but I am trying to not dwell on it as she is going to have to make some decisions.

Praying for a peaceful out come for everyone and enjoy the small moments of beauty, rest and laughter.

Sharynmarie....Thanks for your words.....just got off phone with her case worker..... my new mission in life is to make good of this bad situation. To try and see what agencies can help her..... and to try and prevent this from happening to even 1 more person. Also to harass anyone who doesnot return my calls until they do. Squeaky wheel gets the grease!

Norestforweary-i hope the person who did this is held accountable.

Sharynmarie.... it is a non profit organization who was" payee" for her. Legally they could not keep her from her money. Her boyfriend was manipulating her to get money from this agency. Though they would try and persuade her to ask for less the boyfriend would coerce her for more. She is unable to make decisions for herself...... thank you! Its when many things hit at once its really hard to deal with!

Alison - correction - withOUT you having anything to do with it

having trouble with this laptop again

austin - glad you had your chair - little things can help.

oh goodness, norest - very difficult situation. If she is unable to make decisions for herself who makes the decisions, or is she, as it seems, able to make the decision of how much money to withdraw? The boyfriend doesn't sound great. Yes, it is much harder when several things hit at once.

What a relief to have the room thing sorted out and be able to stay.

Met this morning and hashed some things out including what level of care should mother get ill - nothing extreme. She has been fairly calm, but got paranoid this afternoon and doesn't want anyone to know where she is. They said she also wants to give up being an Anglican and become Catholic, and more stories with a sex theme. They agree that she will likely become more paranoid as she stays there longer. I said I didn't care if she was on the meds or not, as long as her life was manageable, or she was managed by someone other than me. I let them know that the last few months have been very difficult for me and I am having some PTSD. They wondered why she was not diagnosed sooner and I said by whom? She skips from one doctor to another and she has never sought help, as there is nothing wrong with her - it is everyone else's fault, and always has been.
We discussed placement and all are leaning in the direction of a psychiatric facility with properly trained staff. They have not ruled out her present ALF entirely, as once on meds she may be calm and want to return, so we will leave it in tact for now. Meanwhile Gary and I will start making plans of how to dispose of most of her stuff because that time will come –I suspect sooner than later. They also mentioned that the personal directive (medical POA) was not activated and if it was, which it might be very soon, would I still be willing to be her agent. After some thought, I said yes. They also said if the point came where I didn't want to be any more to tell them and write a letter and that would get me out of the medical part and it would go by default to my sister. They asked if I wanted to see her and I said no, and that I had to stay at arm’s length, as these past few months have done harm to me. So that is where we left it.

Then I had a call an hour later asking me to pick up some of her vitamin supplements and drop them off, and also give them a cheque for money in trust for incidentals. Would have been nice if they could have let me know sooner and I could have brought them out with me. It is a $25 cab ride one way. So I will shop for supplements tomorrow, get the stuff out there and meet with mother’s financial advisor in the afternoon. Busy enough and things are getting sorted out. Dinner tonight will be a diversion.

Thanks so much for all your support.

I am a little paranoid here thinking that POA sis may be on here and all H*LL would break out if she recognized my postings.

Brandywine, I've wondered that too - more in a "wow! What if…" way than seriously afraid of its happening. Well, you know what they say: eavesdroppers never hear any good of themselves…

Also, wouldn't it be fascinating if all of our bêtes noires utterly failed to see themselves in our portraits of them?!

CM Brandy The ones you describe who don't care probably would not seek out such a helping site".

Been thinking about the lunch angel. I think it was to remind me what interaction with a normal older person was like, in contrast to what mother has been like all her and my life. Of course, I have known other older people who were great, but I must have needed a reminder at that point. As well, I think it confirmed that mother belongs in a facility with a mental health mandate. You don't make that decision lightly. It also was a nice lunch experience on its own.

brandy - hope you don't have to deal with that, but I agree with norest -I don't think "they" seek out a helping site.

sharyn - I read your sis has been diagnosed with CHF. I am so sorry - more illness in the family, and, I am sure, a shock and a worry to you. I know you don't want to take over her duties. It would help explain some of the way she has been feeling. I don't know what to say but here is a big cyber hug (((((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))))). It just doesn't end!!!

Dad is back. Doctor's appointments start Friday, I have to take him back through all his medical clinics/issues as everything has fallen apart with any ongoing medical care. He's just simply stopped taking variety of meds he was prescribed because he ran out. I used to pack his pill box each week and kept tabs if he was running low, but he said he could handle it all. I asked if he felt ok, he seems fine, but will be good to get him into his PCP and give doc a run down of everything. So… starting over with getting him proper care but I've learned by now to do it with minimal headache and maximum results, I hope anyway.

Emjo, sounds like you made headway with regard to your mom's care. You also sound a bit how I feel: the field of possibilities has narrowed and progress made to work towards change, but what exactly is going to happen and when its going to happen is still up in the air. Just have to try and plan a bit for every possibility, I suppose, and keep plugging away. Sorry for the inconsideration that you weren't told ahead of time to bring vitamin supplements. Imo, thats very par for course when dealing with busy medical professionals. Just easier for them to have you run around then for them to prepare full game plan ahead of time.

Oh, and I really liked hearing about your encounter with Lunch Angel. That story and your take on things just has me thinking and thinking about what I DO believe in… I used to believe that Universe would give me little gifts of wisdom and bring me into chance encounters that would be to my overall benefit, if I were receptive with eyes open to the clues given. Then I've been so crabby and negative about any kind of Karma or Benevolent Universe for some time now… just having no use at all to waste my brain space on the possibility of anything positive or loving coming from Above. In fact, I was pretty sure there was nothing good coming from Higher Power. Anyway, just glad you shared the story. Its touching me where I needed to be touched inside my own spirit.

Norest, I hope you can sort some of those issues out. I do know what its like to feel like you and loved one are inside the big old system (medical, social, governmental, agencies upon agencies) and its hard to get to the place where you be in anyway effective for change, positive change. Good luck!!!

Brandywine, I wish like crazy that my family members would stalk my activity on AC! I could tell them stuff that I want to say but have to hold my tongue, lol! I don't understand exactly why you are so fearful you may be tracked on here, but I hope you can at least feel comfortable sharing some level of your struggles related to caregiving, without feeling too potentially exposed?

Went to gym class tonight. Boy am I stiff. And it doesn't help that between Oct and Jan, I added 25-30 pounds to my previously stable 120-125lb weight. Not kidding. I figured it had to have something to do with being in mold environment so long and then out of it? Something changed and my body has had to adjust to it. Just never experienced that kind of quick weight gain. Maybe I'm just hitting that metabolism plateau the rest of the world kept telling me I would, ha! But I'm a small-boned person so that kind of weight gain just makes my body feel very strange to me. I don't really care about the "vanity" part of the weight gain, but will be good to lose a little weight, gain some muscle, and again feel like I have strength to deal with everyday tasks.

Have a question for anyone who experience "arthritis" of any kind: my fingers (not the joints, the soft tissue) are very tender for weeks and weeks now. Not always same finger, different ones. But it hurts to the point that at first I thought I was somehow fracturing the bones, and I have to avoid any use of that finger because its just too sore. Just wanted to know if this might be arthritis symptoms. I always thought arthritis was joint issue, and yes, joints in fingers hurt too, but the tenderness (no swelling) in soft tissue is just really painful and is completely new symptom to me. Could it be I'm getting a little bit of frostbite in this really cold weather? I tried to find cause on online medical boards, I saw nothing. If you have a comment on my newest pain, please share, lol! I'm more curious than concerned at this point.

Wishing all of you out there a peaceful day/night.

ABB, I did a quick search on arthritis. I think you need to research more on Rheumatoid arthritis. From reading it, it sounds like my pain once in a while. Sometimes, my finger just suddenly stiffens. Or if I'm walking down the stairs, one of my knees lock. I'm straying.... Below is what I found on the Other symptoms that are not well known for Rheumatoid. Reading it, that's me...down to the chest pain when breathing when I bend too long while changing father's pamper. I get this sharp pain on my upper chest or upper back, the tingling, etc.... I already have arthritis in my neck and shoulders. I have prescription-strength asprin when the pain is too much for me. So for now, what's flaring up often is my neck/shoulder pain.

Other Symptoms
Joint pain is noted as the most common symptom of RA, but it’s not the only one. You may feel chest pain when taking a breath. You also may experience a burning, tingling, or numbing sensation in your hands and feet. Your eyes may be dry, itchy, or burn with discharge.

Was that the arthritis you were researching in online?