The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Austin Happy Anniversary and may there be many more. Hugs.

welcome to the club in my family we are all bipolar with ocd. etc etc. This is great I just need to vent out.

Welcome mimi - vent away. It really helps to find others with similar situations and problems. ((((((((hugs))))))) and look after you.

Hi all. My dad has returned and so has a slightly darker outlook each day on life. Coincidence? No way, lol. BUT… I'll make it. So any chance of continuing job hunt for myself is on hold while I work my father back through VA medical system here. He stopped taking every single prescribed medication… because he ran out of it. I used to fill his pillbox weekly and keep tabs on when it was time to reorder. The VA will ship directly to the house for refills… but he didn't bother to tell anyone he was running low. Had a long discussion with PC doctor today and there will be a trip into the city next week to take him to Urology, get blood drawn, and just start going again from there.

Emjo, I caught the big D from your posts, lol. No, seriously, I think I'm eating so many greens/veggies these days, and taking vitamins again, and sometimes they upset my stomach. My stomach has been threatening me with serious D all day but has yet to produce. I've seriously lived the saying "chit or get off the pot" all day long! I ran out of Zumba class fearing the time had finally arrived, after all the threats, but no, just another warning. Sigh. It may be a bug, but I'm willing to attribute to vitamins at this time. Thanks for being such loving people I can even share my bad potty humor with you

CM, was that you in previous post that gave me the hint my ailment in fingers might be chilblains? I think you are spot on. I'm not used to cold weather so much, and this winter in Chicago has been worse than usual (so I hear), and I think I'm not wearing adequate gloves. My fingers go numb and then I get pain in them… after awhile the pain goes away or just kinda moves around from finger to finger… but VERY tender. I didn't notice the burning or itching so much, simply because the tenderness is so prevalent, but yes, little bit of itchy and warmth. NOT to say it isn't combined with some arthritis coming on since that is a hereditary condition (right?) and is in my family, I know. Anyway, I now know an entirely new medical condition I'd never even heard of before, so thanks for that, CM.

Taheil, I have some experience with living in house that develops mold. Best way to proceed, if you can talk your mother into giving the mold proper attention, is to have environmental testing company, or mold remediation company, come in to tell you exactly what kind of mold you have. There are many different kinds, none good for you, but some extremely bad for you. They can take swab and test it. IF mom will probably not go for the proper remedy to the mold, you can still make your own moldicide (I think that's a word but auto correct on AC doesn't approve) at home using tea tree oil or vinegar. I suggest go straight for the tea tree oil, dilute into a spray, and apply liberally. Tea tree does have strong smell but also great broad-spectrum moldicide. If you would like more direction, I'd be happy to talk more about it with you. I just went through a situation where house I lived in had to undergo mold remediation and I was very sick for some time before the mold was found… did you know some historians attribute the Salem Witch Trials to mold poisoning? They say the people were eating moldy corn, living in moldy houses, and began to hallucinate. I will tell you that I also saw colors, shapes, swirls around me at times… saw many things "out of the corner of my eye" kind of thing… I became so sick I couldn't really function at all - taking a shower was too much, I had to sit in a bath I was too weak. So… my point, the mold can make you very sick. If you can't do proper diagnosis and remediation, do home remedy and look up how to make your own moldicide. : )

Alison, I knew that tea tree oil did a lot of good things but not for mold. I went to work for the first time all week of course I did cough but the minute I walked into the house the cough became worse. Its 15 degrees out and I have my bedroom window open so I can breathe. If we weren't suppose to get another 10 to 12 inches of snow tonight I go to the health good store and buy some just so I could breathe. Do you think bleach water might work? Even though bleach has a strong odor I cloud deal with that if it would work. Got to ho gor now my Mother wants in my room. Nite to all and God bless

Oh, taheil, I think I know what you mean. I used to leave my bedroom window open at night, I was afraid to breathe the air from inside the house. That's an awful place to be in, I'm so sorry. The tea tree, from what I've read, is better than bleach. The bleach doesn't really kill the mold, from what I understand. I don't want to be dogmatic here, but I just went through this and really looked into every type of assistance to killing the mold that I could find online. And tea tree oil seems to be the most effective broad-spectrum moldicide. It does have strong smell, but will dissipate after day or two. You can also use it in a diffuser to kill any airborne mold spores. If you can afford it, a good air purifier will help as well. There are a couple of videos on YouTube that deal with recovering from mold in your immediate environment. I think they are worth the watch to start educating you on what your options are, what to expect, etc. The mold in house I am in was hidden between the walls, so I couldn't just go spray it down with tea tree oil. HAD it been visible, with everything I've learned, I would've gone that route to start with. Apparently tea tree oil kills every type of bacteria or fungi out there…? And its not as caustic as bleach.

Taheil, you might also look into ordering on Amazon. As I recall, I got 4oz bottle of pure tea tree oil for only few dollars. Then pay for shipping, of course, but might be way to go if you don't want to head out into snow to go shopping for it.

It's 5pm, and I'm watching Say Yes to the Dress. From the beginning, when this young lady wants to find a wedding dress that day because tomorrow she will be starting her cancer treatment. So emotional. I just started crying as I saw how supportive her family is (most times you see relatives at odds or making disparaging remarks to the bride-to-be "too round" "too fat", etc..) And then Lori found this perfect dress without checking the price to see if it fits their budget of $2000.00. They cannot go over the budget because of her medical bills. They all fell in love it... They asked for the price, heard it was $2650.00. All their faces crumbled. Lori was so bad that she forgot to check the cost before pulling it out of the rack. So, she sold it to them for $1500.00. That's when my tears flowed as the bride and the family started crying. Then the bride went to Lori and gave her a long hug saying that she loves her. Uhhhh... such a heartwarming story!

When growing up, my father would sing impromptu. He can sing from low to high pitch and it was amazing. He would hear a music he loves on the radio and just join in with his voice. I always envied how he can move from one level to the high shrilling music. For the past few mornings, because he's having insomnia (sleeps all day), he will try to sing himself to sleep. Oh my.... he is soooo out of tune! I felt so sad as I now hear him singing loud, with a warbling or trembling voice. He tries to sing the high pitch and it fails miserably. So sad.....

Heard about a new drug at a doc's appointment yesterday called Neudextra which was discussed as an option to Seroquel and other antipsychotics. It is supposed to be very effective to deal with sundowning. But, we will continue with Seroquel, it is very effective, and if it's not broke, don't fix it!

Neudextra does not carry the traditional black box warning about use with dementia patients and death.

My little sister just had a baby today and I am very happy for her and to have a new nephew. I feel bad though that I thought about myself and how all the time I was taking care of my parents, she was able to go and find her husband, go on vacations, move to another city and live her life. Meanwhile, when I wasn't working I was always helping my dad and mom. My dad passed away last Jan. after 10 years after being diagnosed with pulmonary fibrosis. My mom doesn't drive so I was always helping with the shopping and errands. My mom's cancer came back a couple of months after my dad passed and it has been constant medical appointments along with chemo. treatments. I have always been supportive of my little sister - letting her stay at my place even when she would go on a drinking binge once breaking a hole in my wall , brought her with me to Hawaii for work, organized her stag and doe for her wedding, gave her a few thousand dollars as a gift for her wedding (pretending that the stag actually made that much), paid for her airfare so she could visit my mom last Sept.

My mom was admitted to the hospital three months ago from chemo complications which made her faint and fall during which she broke her hip. The first month and a half, it was touch and go, at times I stayed up all night at the hospital for fear of her condition and possibly having a heart attack (she suffered two mild ones in the previous years). She is still in the hospital today while they slowly go through different diagnosis with her. (CMV, c-deficile, Ulcerative Colitus)

I got frustrated one night, had too much to drink and sent her an e-mail questioning why she wasn't helping. She, being about 6 months pregnant and sober wrote me back a really nasty e-mail calling me pathetic. I haven't spoken to her since. I have two other sisters but I thought I was closest to her. I sent flowers to her room today welcoming the new baby.

I know I am blessed that I have a house, a good job where I am self-employed and can dictate my own hours but I feel resentment and I know I have to stop feeling this way as it will only make me more depressed. I am 42 and I know the chances of my finding my own love and having any children now are slim if none. After my dad passed, I thought what do I have to look forward to except more death as my mom gets older and even my dog ages(he is 8 yrs. old). My two other sisters at least have children as well.

I think what did I do to myself. Very selfish - I know. I think maybe I should have too just left my parents and gone and lived my life but know that I could never have done that. I will never leave my mom. She is now my best friend but I could never tell her how sometimes I am resentful. My dad would not be happy about me talking like this. I know he would want all of us to get along and be happy.

A part of me understands that this is God's plan for me but I still feel sometimes angry and again resentful or bitter. She gets everything for being selfish and what will I be left with in the years to come?

These are my thoughts. Thank you for listening.

Kateri. Congratulations on your new nephew, what a joyous event for your family.
This has brought to the fore all your own feelings and anxieties for your own future.
You did not bring anything on yourself you made some very unselfish decisions to help your parents and gained a special closeness to them which your other sisters do not have.
As far as marriage is concerned may be it is not in God's plan for you or maybe when you are no longer tied to your parents someone who you may know even now is waiting just around the corner
Do not give up on having your own children. Many women have their first child in their forties. Not the ideal age physically but as you will be more mature you will make a better mother. Have you thought of having a child on your own through a sperm doner or adoption? You have not closed all the doors to future happines even though right now it feels as though you have. Your sister is full of joy today but who knows what the future holds for her. Your best friend, your mother will be called home to the Lord and reunited with your father very soon and that is a huge burden for you to bear but you will grieve her loss and recover because you are a strong woman. How do I know that when I don't even know you. I know because you have been able to lovingly give up so much to care for your parents and today have been able to reach out and ask for help and support which is not an easy thing to do. Please come back often there will be many others here to bring you comfort on this difficult journey. Blessings

Kateri, I've only been full time caregiving to grandmother (now deceased) and dad for 2 1/2 years. Since I'm 39, these years happen to coincide where I should be making decisions about whether or not I will try to have a marriage, and biological children. If I don't try soon, maybe that opportunity will be lost forever. Personally, I've made peace with not having biological children. In this day and age, there is more than one way to be a parent. Almost every single man in my "dating pool" is divorced, with children, and so there is opportunity for me to be involved in a child's life, as a parent, whether or not I gave birth to them. I can't speak for you, and what is in your heart, but there is no reason to assume you cannot seek a relationship even as you are caregiver with self-given responsibilities. I participate in online dating site. It takes some time to adjust to, but its a means to an end. I have a date next week, actually. My expectations are very low but hopes always are high.

My point is, there is a way to seek relationship for yourself, and parenthood, regardless of your situation. I encourage you to look around and see what you CAN do to give yourself a loving relationship, etc.

And come back here and post, so that you know that you have friends who are in same situation you are. It helps to feel camaraderie and support, instead of isolation and depression.

Kateri, one day your sister will understand.

The thing is, for years and years, there you were coping, being a good sport, doing everything brilliantly, tra-la-la, everybody happy? And then suddenly your sister (while pregnant and therefore, how can we put it, possibly somewhat focused on her own needs) out of the blue gets an email from you saying "sodding well pull your weight will you, you spoiled little cow?"

She had no idea what you were going through. How could she have had? You were being too brave a soldier for her to see.

So that's why the *hic!* email didn't go down so well. And now is not the time to thrash things out, either. But for one thing, all you've done wrong is not speak up sooner; and for another you've done brilliantly to set it aside for the time being and welcome your baby nephew so generously. The time will come when what you've sacrificed to your parents, and the freedom from worry and guilt you've given to your sisters, will be recognised and appreciated. Especially if you gently, in the fullness of time and over the years, ask for it to be so.

Did your three sisters know you wanted children? Did you know that you did? And do you, so much? - will it be so terrible if you have a lot more money and a lot more sleep than the mummies? I love my children dearly, but I have told my girls that when it comes to their deciding whether they want children… it's okay just to bear in mind that 0 is a nice round number.

Besides, 42 is not actually past it you know. Don't go mad, and turn into one of those ladies who rush off to Italy and find very weird gynaecologists to help them, but if it happens to happen… well, that would be nice. Absolutely exhausting, incredibly expensive - in fact to be honest I think I'd rather have my legs amputated than cope with a primary school age child again - but, if it's what you want, and if you bump into the right chap with the right attitude… well, then. Stranger things have happened.

My dog says 8 is not aged. He says he is in his prime, he'll have you know.

Above all, it is not selfish to want to be free to live your life as you would like to. Wouldn't your mother be the first to tell you that? I am glad for you, and I share your view, that you want to stay with your mother 'til the end of her days; but that doesn't mean you can't have a social life too.

You are 42, not 110. You are employed, solvent, a home owner and since you come from good child-bearing stock I'm guessing you're better than presentable. As the chaps begin to mature and get past the 'younger model' phase (give it another 5-10 years, I should) they prefer ladies who can have a conversation and buy their own car.

You have plenty to look forward to. And remember how nice it is to hand babies back.

I think a lot of caregiver's can relate... Please keep the faith and know you're not alone...

Kateri, the saying " No good deed goes unpunished" has been my motto for a long time. You are a wonderful loving daughter and there will be a special place in heaven for you. I have a similar story, but I won't get into that now. Siblings have every excuse to not help out and in their minds they believe themselves. This helps keep the guilt away. We can sleep at night and know we have done everything we could for our parents. You are still young and there are guys out there who are looking for a caring person such as yourself. Stay strong xx

In a bit of a funk today… its 13 degrees here, 4 inches of snow in past 24 hours and more is predicted. I know many of you are also in areas where you're getting this extra harsh winter this year. I'm just tired of being hopeful for change, and trying to act towards change… Change means I get a job, figure out how to move along from this full time caregiver role… I peruse the job boards at least a couple times per week. There is just very little I see thats close to area I'm in. So that means likely I take a temporary job, something I may previously have been "overqualified" for? And thats fine, I just want to get back to work, and will take just about any position. But now, I'm starting over with getting dad proper medical care. So, now isn't good time to start a new job anyway. And since its not supposed to be above freezing temps for next few weeks, its hard to be proactive about much, and instead just want to stay inside and wait for it to warm up...

I'm just sick of it all: my father that I keep trying to get appropriate medical treatment for although he doesn't seem to even have cognitive wherewithal to understand his own medical needs - or give a rat's patoot about them. I'm tired of living in this isolated area, and this broken down house that I keep cleaning and trying to fix what I can. I'm tired of my family judging me so harshly and incorrectly as to what my character/motivation is, and hurting my feelings. I just want to get away from them and get back to some level of dignified life. And I'm sick of this cold and snow.

Sigh. Just a vent. Thanks for "listening." Hugs.

kteri27, you wouldn't be normal if you didn't feel some bitterness here. Yes you made the choice, but it still isn't fair, unfortunately the world is not. I am glad you are at least close to your mother, that helps some. Perhaps after your mom no longer needs you you could become a foster parent? There is always a need there. Not trivializing your feelings, the emptiness echos. You are in my prayers. Hugs.

well I tried and lost a post so will try for a shorter one

glad - nuedextra looks pretty harmless -combination of two things that have been around a while, but makes sense to stay with what works

book my father sang too, I miss that

hi sallie - can you arrange a break - some respite for yourself?

kateri - not selfish to have your own life at all. I had my last child when I was 41. Like alison I tried online dating and after a number of no go's, met my guy - it was instant for both of us. I was 71 then and he is quite a bit younger. It can work. You just have to screen out the troublesome ones.

Alison this cold weather is enough to get anyone down, It is the beginning of March and temps still terrible and with bad wind chill and lots of snow. I don't want to go out either. Hope you get a job, and are able to ease yourself out of caregiving, and detach from the family toxicity. Maybe the date will work out - you never know.

Met mother's psych doc and social worker - both nice but the social worker, having said she will do stuff, is palming things off on me to do. I will do what I reasonably can in my own time frame. They will have to get used to me, not the other way around. I don't jump and ask how high for mother and certainly not for these people. Whether I hand deliver a cheque or they get it in the mail is all the same to them, but not to me. And I am not going out to mail anything till it warms up. Mother brought money in with her, so they do have some if she needs anything. If they had asked me when I was there, I could have given them a cheque then and there, rather than them asking for it the next day. Their bad planning does not constitute an emergency for me. Then I tried to email the social worker to explain that I couldn't find the supplements mother uses, and her email rejected mine, I phoned several times and didn't get her so I have tried. I couldn't even find exactly those supplements on the product web site and, knowing mother, she will only use the exact same ones. Oh well. Mother will stay there while they assess her which is taking time. She is fairly happy now as she is in a new place and people are fussing over her. I am sure that will deteriorate in time, and meanwhile she does not have access to long distance calling. Yay! They will administer the antipsychotic by injection if necessary.

Getting over the stomach flu - trip back was uneventful, slept and ached most of yesterday, but managed to make some hamburger soup. Better today but not much energy. Have several kinds of soup frozen so that will do me for a while.

Have a good evening everyone and do something good for you.

Kateri things are difficult for you now in the future it will be different-you will meet a good man when you are not expecting it and may want to do online dating -just decide what you will not stand for ahead of time-when caregiving is over you can get into activities that you enjoy and network-everyone knows singles and can't wait to fix people up-work on yourself so you feel confident when it does happen. Share your feelings here many are gong through what you are with no help from the sibs -that happens more often then not-one child is left to pick up all the pieces-if there are support groups in your area join-hospitals and office of the ageing have groups it is so great to meet and talk to others with similar concerns and you may make new friends as I did a lady I met years ago and I are still friends eve though both our husbands have died and she and I both have goo men in our lives and she moved a distance away.. Come back and share doing that saved my sanity and when others make suggestions a least give it a thought .

My first real date from this round of online dating (there were other sites in the past, but been on this site for roughly 2 months, I guess) was to be this Thursday, but got a cancellation from the gentleman today. He's too bogged down with work (he explained and all sounds very valid) to meet this week, but we will reschedule soon. I confess I shed a couple of self-pitying tears, lol, but only because, again, its getting my hopes up for something, anything, to move in a positive direction… I just have to be patient… stop being in such a hurry for everything to change NOW, or even SOON. There's nothing I can do about the weather, my dad's medical needs, or my currently jobless/dateless status… except feel sorry for myself and drive myself batty with it all.

My mother always said I threw intense pity parties as a child. I know she's right on that one, unfortunately. Even my ex says I did the "Woe Is Me" thing constantly… and I had a pretty darn cushy and fabulous life before caregiving.

I'm trying. To learn the skills that will make me a better partner to someone in the future, maybe a better parent if I'm so blessed… I wish my life right now weren't so lonely… and difficulties everywhere, with everything, it seems… but apparently, if I am to be honest with myself, I couldn't tell the difference between REAL difficulty and IMAGINED difficulty before, lol. I hope I can carry some graciousness and gratitude, and a "can do" attitude with me into whatever my future life's circumstances are.

(((HUGS))) to you all, hope you had good days.

Emjo
Is the social worker from the facility your mom is in? The social worker\guardian working on our stuff has me looking at facilities for my mom. It is part of an exercise to show siblings how much care actually costs. Well, I have looked at three in three days. And even placing my mom in a memory care setting is difficult because of her chronic diarrhea, has become very difficult for her to manage alone down right unsafe for her to try, that she has had for at least 50 years. Now, in addition to facility shopping I am playing with her diet to see if we can get the bathroom problem eliminated. This week I am eliminating butter, if that doesn't work, next week will be a gluten free diet. I am not looking forward to that! If that doesn't work then on to Imodium once a day for a week, then the following week Imodium twice a day. I have a sneaking suspicion nothing will work otherwise it seems she would have figured it out years ago.

The bathroom issue and gluten free diet is really a catch 22. With the diarrhea uncontrolled I have been told that she would probably need skilled nursing or at least a facility with nursing staff 24 hours. Then if we find out the gluten free diet will work, memory care will not take her because of the special diet requirement. I cannot imagine how difficult it would be in memory care if they had special diet requirements for a number of the residents. They would be trading food like we did as kids in the school lunchroom! LOL! The price for a skilled nursing was over $9,000.00 a month! And that was a facility that is non-profit. Unbelieveable!

And naturally we want a facility where both mom and hubby could be together, in different areas. He would need assisted, for now, but I am seeing a drastic change in him over the last couple of months. I wonder if he has had a series of TIAs, drastic changes in memory and cognition, increased incontinence, doesn't even know when he has to go any more. At least it is just urine! They may not be able to be in the same facility, he would have to get transportation of some sort to visit his wife which would be very difficult for him with his mobility issues. Needless to say, he does not like that idea one bit, especially since they are safe, comfortable, well cared for and happy at home. I'm beginning to think this is my own Mission Impossible. I loved that show.

Glad, you have a smart social worker/guardian. It would have been better if she accompanied your siblings to all these facilities so that they can hear it with their own ears and right from the horse's mouth how much these facilities cost.

ABB, the frustrations will continue to increase. Ugh!!!!

Alison there is nothing wrong with a good pity party from time to time. I must admit they don't usually work that well for me because as soon as I follow the train of thought very far - poor me, this is not fair, hand-wringing etc. - I start thinking of Radiohead songs ("waily waily groan oooo life is terrible I wish I were dead aaaaarrgggh" sums up most of them: or, as they put it in The Simpsons, "depressing teenagers is liking shooting fish in a barrel") and, by contrast, The Yeoman of the Guard ("I have a song to sing, o" which has the refrain "hey dee hey dee misery me lackaday dee") and dissolve in giggles.

But if you wish to feel sorry for yourself you go right ahead and do so. It's not like we have nothing to feel burdened about. Just don't let it stop you doing something more fun afterwards xxx

Have any of you seen this ad? If you google, " adweek subway by Tim Nudd" it is soooo neat! The things people are coming up with - regards to ads....

Hey Allison, you got a date that's progress and this guy has a job!!! Wow you are onto something here unless it's all fake and his wife wants him to go to MIL's birthday party that night. Sorry to be mean but I am a cynical old lady. Many Hugs

Alison, as far as I'm concerned, you're moving in the right direction. Most people would never admit that someone was right about certain...h***, what do I call them?...character flaws?...and we've ALL got them, one way or the other. Seeing them, acknowledging them, is the first step in getting stronger in those weak areas. Most people don't even want to look at themselves that closely.

Right now, with my mindset the way it is, I can't even begin to imagine wanting to date, while at the same time I don't want to be alone forever either. I just have the attitude that if it happens some day, it happens and if it doesn't, so be it.

What worries me, honestly, is that you were emotional because this man, a stranger, canceled your date and that had the power to hurt you. It worries me because if something so simple and innocent can upset you, what happens if there's a real problem?

There's worse things than being lonely. Don't ever depend on any man for your happiness or well being. That should already be in place, long before you enter a relationship, imo. If you rely on someone, anyone, else for those things, it's a train wreck waiting to happen.

Gah, not trying to be a downer here...not even sure what I'm trying to say here... I hope someone knows. XD

I guess I'm advising caution in the dating world. No expectations, especially from the get go. If you allow yourself high expectations, especially at first, or from the wrong guy, you could be in for a world of disappointment. Just be careful and guard your heart.

Glad I would start by eliminating dairy from your Mom's diet. that can be a very sneaky intolerence. I figured that out by chance when I started drinking boost which is made from whey which is very easy to digest but not if you are intolerent. then I tried ensure which I hate and the same thing. then I eliminated dairy and that worked. Since then I have tried something like a slice of cheese in a sandwich and predictable explosion the next day. Now I can tolerate milk in tea or coffee and a little butter but that's it. Lactaid free milk is available but about $8 a gallon. I don't like soy but have found chocolate almond very pleasant plus a vegetable based protein supliment which I mix in the almond and that makes it like drinking liquid chocolate pudding. just my experience but it could be woth a try. All of the strange "milks" cost about $8 a gallon. There are other cheeses available which are lactose free but all I can find is the cottage cheese which is fine if mixed with something tasty. lactose intolerence is extremely common and few people recognize they have it.

Veronica, thanks for your ideas. Lactose in moms diet is very, very, little, I think. We have been using almond milk for a couple of years which she seems to like all right, but now I wonder if almond milk contains gluten maybe a bit of lactose? Anybody know?