The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

fedup, how frustrating and frightening! You can report her to Adult Protective Services and I would for everybody's safety.

Taheil, I agree with you. I think it's time to move on. When everyone starts blaming you/accusing you after 14 years of caregiving, it is time to go. Since everyone seems to KNOW what is going on and have the nerve to treat you like dirt, for all those hard work with the parents - it's time to move on.

For a doctor - who is not a family member - to ask if you're taking money, means someone is spreading bad stuff about you - behind your back. And even for the doctor to start believing it - It's time to move on.

Because it's going to get worse. From your mother, from authorities, from your siblings. Before you go, I Strongly Recommend you photocopy all the receipts. Write notes, dates, etc... to protect yourself. Even if you move away, your spiteful sister may still come after with accusations. And I totally agree with you. You already spent 14 years caregiving. You have 2 siblings who seem to want to be in the driver's seat. Soooo, let them drive.

If you're mom can still be independent, formally write a letter to all the agencies dealing with your mom - your mom's doctor, the visiting nurse (if your mom has this), etc... Keep copies of these letters formally letting them know that you are moving away, and your brother will be taking over mom's care. Protect yourself as much as possible. I wish you well. {{HUGS}}

Sharyn, I forgot who did that to me, too. Just that one very short salutation, and I giggled when I read it. I'm glad that it had the same affect on you! {{Hugs}}
If it helps, (I do it all the time), ask Karma to visit the person who is pissing you off...

Can I keep all important papers in regards to the house, Fathers Military papers, his death certificate, insurance policies, Mother's living will, her DNR orders (which the hospital already has) POA's etc...... when I leave? I have taken all these papers out of the house and put them somewhere safe so people with big noses couldn't find them. I hated to have someone destroy everything I worked so hard on getting Mother to have them written up.

You can keep anything of your fathers and maybe also your mother's living will. DNR orders, you may need to leave the original behind because when mom died, the EMT wanted the original and not the copy that we had posted on the wall. They needed to see the signatures on the DNA and the copies were not very clear (because the original was also not clear. People sign documents with scrawling signatures and did not print their name below it.) You can keep a copy of it. Or keep the original and make sure the copy is very clearly legible.

Who is POA? If you are POA, then you keep the original. But do know, that POAs can be changed (even underhandedly.)

I am her POA and I'm afraid my sister will get Mother to change everything because she hates me so much. This is one of the reasons I'm leaving.

I am helping my daughter with her infant who came a couple months early so I haven't been able to watch Mom's purchases. Now her sugar level has jumped another 10 points and her cholesterol has jumped 25 points. When I looked to see what she has been keeping in her room and it is full of cookies, candy, crackers, etc. She is living with me because the doctor says she cannot live alone. I try to give her some freedoms but wonder if I shouldn't restrict her more. She thinks she knows more than everyone. She lives with Me and my husband, although she is mean to both of us because my sister is living off her daughter. My sister really doesn't want to take care of her but they love bashing me every night, or when my sister can make some time to talk with her. I just feel like I am fighting all the time trying to get her to take care of herself. My brothers are just glad they don't have to deal with my mom. She was not the most loving mother. Oh well another rough day with my mother but at least I have my grandbaby to hold and love on to make it all better. Thanks for letting me ramble on! Hugs to all.

Taheil - Just know this before you leave. If you leave, there is a very strong possibility that your sister will change the POA, and may formally accuse you of things. Hence my advice to you is to have documents of proof (hopefully?) I am constantly worrying about my father calling 911 to accuse me of stealing from him. Okay, terrified. The problem is that we have our yelling matches which some may misconstrue as me abusing him. So, I have ... in my opinion.. been able to cut back in our arguments.

Crazycg - What your sister is doing to you seems to be a very common running theme on this site. It's such an eye opener. It's tiring to continue to fight our parent into doing what's good for them when - they know better than us and insist on doing it their way. You and hubby are doing good despite all this. {hugs}

As you know, baby brother is here. He wanted to kill me for putting him on the 14-hour flight from Houston to Tokyo. He said that the airline fed them very good food. They would have to - to calm down the restless people on that very long flight. (He looked at me with daggers in his eyes.) I felt bad but the only way to get him home without an overnight enroute -was to fly via Japan. He can go through Hawaii but he would have to spend the night somewhere.

He was telling favorite sister and her hubby with disbelief in his voice: that he can't believe that his toothpaste is still in the bathroom. And his shampoo. And his set of Irish Spring soap. He's been gone a year and it's all still there!

Sis and hubby were laughing because as he told them this, I kept nodding. He bought a cheap shampoo. I tried to use it after he left last year, and I had major dandruff. I tried to use his toothpaste but it made my teeth sensitive to hot/cold. As for the Irish Spring soap - it's too harsh on my skin. Dries it up badly. So, his stuff just remained in the bathroom. =)

Book did you really use his toothbrush?

No, toothpaste... expensive brand... I was curious...I think bro thinks oldest sis toothbrush is his. Who am I to dispute it?

Oops sorry! Didn't get much sleep last night..

Ha! Funny he's using Sis toothbrush!

ABB-if you can not use your Dad's money -I would tell them you can not take him to his appointments -let him use a taxi once and see how much it costs him -why should he get- a free ride through life-why can't you use his money for his benefit? is it so they all get more money when he dies-I would negotiate a set am't each month to receive because of all that you do-if they say no then someone else can truck him around and provide for him. Brandy take your power back-it is horrible how you are being treated.

Laughing about sharing toothbrush. Happens all the time around here! Mom with hubby's. We have a budget for toothbrushes and when low, I need to watch which toothbrush mom is going to use! LOL!

Has anyone noticed that the AC logo has changed? It's no longer "caring for aging parents." It's now "connecting caregiver." which is actually more realistic with all the different caregivers here - husbands, wives, paid caregivers, etc...

Book,
Yes it is changed. A couple of months ago I received a survey asking about how it should be changed. It contained several suggestions, then the option to propose something else entirely.

Was at nursing home playing bingo with mom and others there, sitting at table with another patient who has Alzheminer's. OOOOOOHHHHHH MMYYYYYYY! Poor thing wasn't saying anything but horrible dirty things about female parts, and pulling our pants down. My mother kept trying to get the woman to hush, and she would just laugh. Wonder why this disease causes some to cuss, and talk dirty like that? Some just repeat other sentences over and over, or walk around in a daze and almost mute. I swear, it is sad, but I must admit I had an awful time control the urge to laugh. When the woman said to me, "lets take our pants off, I said no that's not a good idea." She said, why not I do. Oh lordy!

My late GM's late husband - who had Alzheimer's for 10-15 years and whom my GM cared for at home all that time - used to curse a blue streak and just say the meanest things constantly. "Dirty" things, too, at times. It is sad, because he was never like that before he got advanced in his Alz. He was a sweet, happy go lucky personality… completely changed his personality when he got lost inside his Alz.

But I would have a hard time not laughing if a woman at bingo was encouraging the women to pull their pants off…

On the contrary, my GM's late stages of dementia brought a very mild, pleasant, usually happy, very sweet personality… of course there were bad times, but they seemed to pass fairly quickly and easily. Her early stages were frustrating and frightening to her, and she was very lonely, I think, for a lot of years, but in her last years, she was just at peace. I'm glad, I guess, that she was this way and not still experiencing the agitation associated with the disease.

I wish we still had Erma Bombeck around to write about going through these caregiving years. I'm just on the other side of doing little kids, and now I have a 76 year old toddler with a stick. I wonder what Erma would write.

Today is a detatched day. Mom's in time out, or maybe I'm in time out. Either way, or both at the same time. Took her to a kidney ultrasound Friday - used 2 hours PTO to do it. 2 hours that could have been used on me for a mammogram or dentist visit that I'll never get back.

She was a hot under the collar from the moment I arrived. Said I was an hour late, when I was exactly on time, and let me have it in front of this really nice man who sits in the ALF lobby. He was embarrassed for both of us. She had no socks, no coat, no walker, but was trying to carry (juggle?) a blazer, a cane, and 3 purses. It's like going out with somebody else's un-parented 3 year old these days.

Once she started getting in the car, I darted back in to get her coat and the walker. It was still 30 degrees, quite windy, and there is still an awful lot of snow & slush on the ground. If I need a coat, she needs a coat.

3 purses - a little bit of something in all of them, and she can't perform the processes to put that stuff into one purse anymore. Claims somebody stole a $100 bill from her. Won't let me help in any facet. I'm just driving Miss Daisy.

She couldn't/wouldn't sit still during the ultrasound. I had to ask her over & over to just lie still for the nice lady please, or we'll have to stay longer until we can get a good picture. Stop fiddling and lie still. OK, don't lie still.

She blew a gasket in the car on the way back because I hadn't psychically guessed she wanted to go get vegetables. OK, let's pull into this grocery store. I had to laugh because mom has to push the cart - fine. But she wanders down the aisle in a zig zag pattern, blocking everybody and their carts the entire time. She got so mad when the 4th person on the first aisle asked to be let past. And Lord forbid that I try to help guild the cart to stay on one side with "traffic". I probably apologized to every single person in that store at least twice.

The only thing I actually took away from her was a 2L dark diet pop, because the kidney doctor said not to have that anymore. Well...you can guess what happens when you take a 3 year old's candy away. Foot stomping. Fist waving, hissy fit pitching right there in the aisle. I should have just let her have it and to hell with the consequences for her. She's going to end up on dialysis anyway, what's another 2L of banned pop? I did let her have the pickles and high sodium canned veg & sausage, etc. she wanted. I give up. It's too big of a struggle to keep her on track, so I do what I can. That day was not much.

At the reigster, it got really busy very suddenly and there was a very long line behind us and in the next few lanes. Where did all those people come from at once? Anyway, mom couldn't find her ATM card in any of the 3 purses, so I reached in to try to speed this up. People behind us were getting ticked. So I apologized. Hopefully they can see the dementia for themselves. I got my hand slapped for helping. I should have seen that coming.

Anyway, mom got so distracted and was convinced her debit card was stolen, that I paid for the groceries with MY MONEY instead, just to be done. Oh looky - there's the debit card after all. Neat how that worked don'tcha think?

I bagged everything while she continued to futz around with 3 purses, a cane and walker, insisting a $100 bill was gone. Good lord, how can you know with 3 purses? Between the grocery store and her apartment was a good 20 minutes of berating, belittling, criticizing, and accusing me of giving dad his final heart attack that killed him 1986. That's a sore point with me. Dad & I were very close and he protected me from her my whole life up to that point.

I remember the night dad died. I was not quite 15. We had ribs for supper. Mom started some idiotic fight like she did all the time over everything & anything. She wouldn't let up or leave him alone. It went on for hours with shouting and her following him around to scream at him. He went to bed early with chest pain. And never woke up. So if we're going to get into an arguement over who did what that gave dad a heart attack, let's do that. I'll totally go there. Except I know it's pointless to argue with a dementia person. I will never get to have the satisfaction of winning that argument or making any kind of point about it.

So I just told her to stop talking. Just STOP TALKING because you're really ticking me off. NO MORE TALKING - QUIET NOW. I could not get her out of my car fast enough. I dragged her cane, walker, groceries, coat, and 3 purses up to her apartment while listening to more of her putrid, nasty, vile, disgusting abuse. And then I left. I didn't put anything away, I left it all in a pile on the floor for her to figure out. Or not. Whatever. I just had to get out of there to keep my composure and control. Everybody has limits, and I had well passed mine.

My husband, the saint, went over with me last evening to change her clocks. She had not been up at all yet. Was still flat of her back, reeking of pee, and had not taken her pills for the day. Gee, I wonder where the crazy behavior comes from! I didn't say one word to her. Her bathroom sink was full of foul smelling clothes she had put to soak who knows when, so I put that in a bag and the rest of her dirty stinky laundry and high tailed it to the lobby. I could hear her shouting "now don't let her take my laundry - I'm going to do it". Right. Just like the dirty dishes piled up on both sides of the sink for two weeks now....

I waited a good half hour before my hubs finally was able to come downstairs and go. He said they didn't talk about anything. It was just her trying to remember something important she never did remember.

I will be so glad when she is moved to the 24/7 unit and won't need groceries or dishes anymore. The next time I get over there, I'm going to replace all the dishes & silver with disposables. It's nasty and unsanitary to prepare food around and area that smells and looks like a swamp. I thought I saw an alligator peek out at me from behind the soap, but he was too afraid of mom to come out.

Omg sandwich, yikes... I can relate to a lot of what you posted. My mom isn't that vile yet, mostly very depressing and passive aggressive, but nothing would surprise me at this point. She acts similarly at the grocery store and it takes her four hours to shop. She likes to tell everyone she meets about her pathetic childhood, total strangers even... and about how her daughter (me) doesn't love her.

I can share stories about some horrible times in my childhood filled with drinking, crying, pills, rage, and horrible social dysfunction... and I will do so from time to time.

Tell me about where you have your mom living, and about the 24/7 place you'll move her too, if you don't mind! And thanks for the invitation over to here!

Jammichele, when you get older and have dementia, the last to go is the part of the brain that likes to cuss and talk nasties. I'm dreading when father gets to that stage.

Sandwich - kudos to you! Just reading your post was tiring me and raising my blood pressure.

Not much happening here. I've been keeping the news on trying to glean as much on the latest info on the Malaysia Airlines' disappearance. I have several customers who take that airline to go to Kuala Lumpur.

Sandwich. If you know Mom is going to need dialysis why on earth are you doing ultrasounds. Save yourself the hassle. Ask questions before agreeing especially if you know Mom won't co operate. As far as the grocery store is concerned all i can say is that you have my sympathies.

Sandwich, happy memories. The Snake Has All The Lines. I Lost Everything In The Post Natal Depression. And a wonderful, wonderful story about gingham kitchen curtains laughing at soap and water… Dear Erma Bombeck. I'm so grateful my mother was a fan of hers or I might never have heard of her.

Less happy rest of the day for you, blimey. It will be very very good when you are not accompanying your mother every step of the way. If she were with someone who didn't give two hoots about her she couldn't be pulling any of this, you know - and I hope you got that grocery money back.

But thanks for reminding me about Erma :) Have a better day x

I was in the middle of changing father's pampers tonight. Okay, I was slightly bending over, cleaning his butt, when he started letting out of gas down there. So much force coming out, I jumped back, and tried really hard not to breathe in. As he continued gassing out, he told me to continue cleaning him. Heck No! I told him that is so rude! How would he like it if I went right in front of his face and kept farting into it. Would he like it? He didn't answer.

Never read Erma Bombeck. Her covers are very interesting, though.

Bookluvr................ In my book........you were so right to admonish him. Yuk!!!!!

Bookluvr - I call it PowerFarting. My mom is a gold medalist at it, and I learned that the first night we shared a hotel room bringing her up from NC. I slept not a wink due to endless PowerFarting, PowerBelching, and Sawmill Snoring. How can so many noises come out of one human being at the same time? We didn't share a hotel room again.

Veronica91 - The nephrologist ordered an ultrasound since one had never been done before. I guess he wants to rule out anything structural, or at least get info nobody has had on her yet. He said he wanted to see how they were draining. I was stumped to learn she has body parts nobody has made images of up to now! Her other innards from rooter to tooter have been very well documented.

Countrymouse - I keep all receipts for things I have to pay for, and reimburse myself when they add up to $100 or more. I try to be so careful in case of an audit. It is exhausting. There is utterly nothing simple when it comes to mom.

I started telling mom that I will care as much as she does about her health. If she isn't going to do her part every day, then why should the rest of us be bothered? Why should I burn my time off from work to drag her around from doctor to doctor and procedure to procedure when she's just going to skip her meds, eat the wrong food on purpose, and not give a rat's patoot? All she has to do is get up, take a shower, get dressed, take some pills 3 times a day, take a shot once a day, eat regular meals, and walk around a little bit. Nobody is asking her to run a marathon or do backflips. She doesn't have to hold a job down or be responsible except for these few things and that's too much.

76 years of learned helplessness, victim mentality, personality disorders, and the worst case of stubborn I've ever seen do not point toward a cooperative experience.

On the gas issue, I think they have internal Fracking machinery, because fracking releases a lot more gas.

Dear Forum, I spoke out to POA about my loved one's care that POA is providing, now in the home. All I wanted to know is a few simple things and it was like I was a Nazi killer. It is now WW3 here on the East coast. Fur super flying. I got yelled at, screamed at, super verbally abused just b/c I was wondering about my loved one's care. I couldn't sleep, I was shaking, and I thought I was going to have another nervous breakdown. I'm done here. If POA reads this then it will be WW4 and beyond. I will come back here as someone else. Thank you for all the support you have given me. Brandy.