The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Margeaux-
That brother, nothing like displaying the brother's issues with alcohol, and gives hospice an indication of his dysfunction.

My father-in-law died about a year before I married my ex, now. He had been diagnosed with prostate cancer and was on hospice and at home. I understand the concerns about morphine, but the FIL also had it. He did not want to become addicted. Here he was dying, in a tremendous amount of pain, and concerned about addition? He was of sound mind, a very intelligent man. He was told, by his nurses that addiction was the least of his problems, that they were striving for comfort.

So to say, your mother needs and deserves any comfort that can be provided, wherever and however that occurs. Your brother is simply in the land of denial and probably wishes more than you or sis that mom could bounce out of bed, and be twenty years younger.

You and sis are doing your very best. Brother will just have to learn to deal with it, and it will not happen while he is drinking. But, that is his choice, though a very self destructive one.

Margeaux~I am sorry you and your sis had to endure that scene. You and sis are making the right decisions especially in light of the fact that brother is not the one doing the care 24/7. Hang in there, being home does bring comfort after a scene like that with the golden boy. Hugs to you!!

Well sis called me at work again tonight demanding my time and attention. I admit, I tend to be laid back on decisions, sis is like our mom...it has to be NOW!!! If any of you have experience selling a house/knowledge please let me know what you think.

The agent we hired called sis tonight telling her that the family who made the offer on mom's house last week, is very firm in their offer but that he would see if they would come up some more on it. In the the mean time, 2 other families looked at the house, but with no garage, it was a deal breaker. So now the agent puts the pressure on us...the vacant house next door, is going to be sold as an investment property for $100,000.00 less (in foreclosure), they are going to completely renovate and sell the house for much less than what we are asking for our mom's house. We MUST sell mom's house before this house next door sells because the house next door will become a comparable home sale when showing mom's house to prospective buyers. Am I wrong that our agent should not suddenly jump to pressuring us, how long have they known this and not told us until know, am I wrong that I am seeing red flags here? I think sis may be over reacting (very normal for her). My thoughts are that by the time the house next door closes escrow and renovations are done...we can sell our mom's house nearer to the price we would like. The original family has back out over a difference of $2,000.00....if you really want a home, is $2,000 worth backing out on??? Opinions please!!!!

Margeaux, I don't know why it always surprises me when I find out that someone on this site's caregiving recipient is on decline to the final stages of hospice. As I read your words, my eyes widened. I was recalling that she went to the hospital for blockage. I guess it's part of the body's shutting down system? I was just seeing the trees and not the forest (of symptoms).

As for golden boy brother, you have soooo much patience with him. If I was there, and he kept at it over and over about the morphine, I would have snapped and told him off that mom is Pain and I damn well am not going to let her die with her last thoughts on her pain! I do my best to control my temper but sometimes my older brother's hard headedness can get to me. (He once questioned me on how I was cleaning mom. Instead of offering to help me as I cleaned her by myself, he just sat there watching. Then when he questioned me, I snapped and asked him if he wanted to take over. He shook his head. Never criticized me again.) I read your comments and I kept thinking how you were able to keep cool despite your bro's constant comments on morphine.

You take care. I think between you and your sister (and hospice), your mom is getting good care. {{Hugs}}

Sharyn, go online and google the area of your mom's home and the house next door. Use another real estate's website AND your own real estate's website. Check what's up on your mom's vs. the house next door. The thing is, if the house next door is in much better condition than your mom's house (as in modern vs. outdated), most people will choose the modern. You can also go visit the neighbor's house to see what the competition is like. If their house is more modern and good shape than your mom's - then of course, people will buy that house and not mom's.

If the house is better, you may end up losing the family who is interested in buying. All for just $2,000.00. I watched enough HLN househunting to know that that can be the deal breaker. So my question to you is this: If you lose this prospective buyer, can you and sis still pay for the upkeep of your mom's house until another buyer is interested? You don't want the house to get rundown from lack of use. Then definitely, the value will go down because the prospective buyer will think that they have to do this and that to repair it. OR they may say, I will buy it for ($2000 less) because I have to do repairs on it. And we want the owner to pay the Closing Cost.

Or do you just want to get rid of the house, and sell it for $2000.00 less. Sharyn, are you subconsciously sabotaging the sale of the house? And using the $2000.00 as an excuse?

Sharyn, something just registered in my head. Like I said, I watch a lot of HLN which also includes renovations. If the empty house is sold "as is", it would be low. Then the buyer will spend money to renovate it. To cover the cost of buying the house + the renovation cost = More than the original sale. My question is: How much less are they going to sell it compared to your mom's???

Please do your research online on what's the current value of the homes in your area. Is your asking price way over that? We need a second opinion from another real estate agent!

Book~The house next door has not been taken care of, whether it will pass inspection without issues is to be seen. Yes, they apparently are going to renovate with "granite counter tops, hardwood floors. My mom's house is bigger,. has real hardwood floors and pristine condition inside and out. My biggest issue is sis calling me at work demanding my time, I work in customer service...not an office position with a cubicle and private ext to be able talk at length with her about the situation. She gets demanding wanting to know "when I will have the time"!! I have customers waiting while she is demanding an answer from me.

I have researched when a buyer pays cash what the escrow time is... it is shorter than with someone financing through a bank. I guess I just feel that our agent is pressuring us, and sis wants answers when I have no time to think it through. If she makes a decision about this without me, I may not be happy about it, but I will not throw it up in her face later. I have done some research but it is not the same as TV shows, show solutions in 30/60 minutes Mom's house has only been on the market for 1 week. Thank you for your response, it gives me some things to think about. Hugs to you!!

Your agent is pressuring you to sell. That's commission. Sharyn, if you guys are not in a hurry to sell the house, and have no expected expenses on it, then just wait until you get the price you want. But, it sounds like your sis is not very good at the waiting game.

As for work, don't know if anything you say to sis will stop her from calling you again in the future. Why don't you call her and tell her straight out that you respected her when she's at work by keeping personal calls only when she's not at work. And that you expect her to do the same for you. In the future, if she calls you at work, you will be very brief and will call her when you have a break. Might or might not work.

Hi all, Sharyn, wish I had something helpful to add about the house sale. When elderly lady 2 houses down died last year, her kids spent a lot of time getting house into decent condition… it still was on the market for a couple of months. I don't know the details, but it didn't seem that unusual. My bro's house was up for sale for YEARS, literally, in Indianapolis before they sold it. Maybe your R.E. agent is concerned this could happen if you don't go with the fish already on the hook… how long has your mom's house been up again? Is it important to get a "quick sale"? Sorry if you've gone over this in previous posts, my brain has been elsewhere. :-P

I finally broke down and started juicing again today after not doing it (and eating pretty poorly, lol, lots of McDonalds and fried chicken) for past 6-8 months. But now I'm sick of being sick again, and I will do anything. Going to gym wasn't enough. Now I'm going to give immune system a boost by juicing for at least a month. Plus taking probiotics and other supplements. I get so many sinus and respiratory issues in this house, besides the (at times) overwhelming chronic fatigue… which is the symptom of how mold directly acts on one's system, as a sedative. Its thought that this happens because your body is trying to slow down the toxic affects of the mold… who knows… I'm sick of it all, literally and figuratively speaking. As soon as weather is warm enough, all the windows are getting opened and I'm wiping the place down with tea tree solution. Mold remediation contractor is to come back next Thursday and redo the HVAC clean out job they botched first go around. I'll be glad to at least get that done… any little step in the right direction…

So, yeah, been a tough week. Went to ER one week ago, started antibiotic next day, already completed it, and my chest mucus was dark and "dirty" looking when I coughed in shower today. Grrr. I'm at wits end to know how to get well.

Juicing helped me before. It absolutely did. I have faith it will do its magic again.

Margeaux, I hope your mother is feeling better? I had similar incident with my dad, but it didn't involve hospital trip. He had severe constipation, enough to wake me, crying, in middle of the night to tell me. I got up and gave him one regular dose of his prescribed stool softener and it just seemed to unleash the flood gates in a dramatic and messy way.

Book, it was my comment to you about being "miner's canary" that made me realize - I'm back to being "sick" person again! Well, that just won't do. I have too much to do and accomplish if I'm ever going to get out of this mucky caregiving situation! ;-) So, just knew its time to juice again. So let's see how it goes. If I'm raving about how fabulous I look and feel in 4 weeks time, maybe I'll convince you to give it a go for a week or two. ;-) Hugs, glad you're taking your lipitor and eating some oatmeal. Oh, here's article about #1 cancer fighting veggie, and other really beneficial veggies. http://tv.greenmedinfo.com/the-1-anti-cancer-vegetable/ I hope mods don't mind I put the link here, great article, and you've referred to high rates of cancer on your island and in your community. I'll give you the #1 - its garlic, but the article and graphs are really informative, I thought.

ABB, there's a strong cancer prevention education here. Yearly checkups, exercise (yes, exercise helps a lot), fresh bright fruits/veggies, avoid process food, etc.... As for garlic, my stomach can't handle it. Acid reflux. Most of the food I eat has garlic. I still eat it but suffer hours afterward. Sometimes, if it's too strong in the food, my stomach gets queasy. I definitely would not want to try the pill version. My dad used to buy Kyolic (pill form).

Oh, I forgot! ABB, I bought using my reward points the Magic Bullet. I haven't even opened the box. I bought the small ice tray in case I need ice. Now, I have to find a decent price frozen fruits in the grocery store before I start making smoothies. I've spent some hours online looking for minimum ingredients smoothies that won't increase my cholesterol. Did you know that by adding honey into the mix, it increases cholesterol? There were other ingredients... Uhm... the "in" thing is going "green" in your smoothies/juicing. Kale, etc.... Kind of looks awful to me. Not very appetizing looking drink. But you go first with the greeneries. FYI, my sis took me a health food place. Got me a vegetarian wrap. All I will say is this: It tasted like grass. The taste reminded me of the Smell of freshly mown grass. I could not finish it. Expensive wrap...

Book, I bought the Garlique brand at store tonight to try… based on hospital RNs advice to me that taking a garlic supplement improved her own immune system. I don't think the pill forms are "garlicky." I thought that was kind of the point, to get the odorless and benign pill, but still have benefits? My verdict is out, just started em tonight.

Hugs to all, I'd better get to sleep.

Oh, Book, I'm lolling about the Kale and "kind of looks awful." I don't mind the juice, for whatever reason. I'm not a big fan of "health foods" and I've had some "healthy" wraps I didn't care for, either. But with the juice, you stick in a couple of apples. It sweetens it a little. And then, just down the hatch, you don't have to chew… I don't know, seems different experience to me. And I love honey, so didn't want to hear it increases cholesterol. But I don't have issues with that, and I don't have honey everyday, but a little in my tea is so wonderful. I hope you find some smoothie recipes that are healthy and tasty, and you enjoy so much, you add to your routine.

Yesterday at our Senior Health Fair I met a dietician who works for a Hanaford Grocery Store I will ask her about honey increasing cholesterol I hope not. I asked about sea salt being better than regular salt and she said all salt is bad and sea salt is not better-also asked about fiber decreasing cholesterol and she said it did so will ty to eat more fi

fiber and more veggies

Thanks Book and Alison. The only rush to sell is the house next door but I think we have at least a month to play around with it. I will talk with sis and brother tomorrow at lunch. I have to set boundaries with sis calling me at work...if I get caught talking on my cell I will get written up for it. I just wont answer anymore.

Can you have sis text you?

Turn the phone off! She will still be there.

Sis doesn't have a cell. The only reason I have answered the calls is to help her with the decisions but she is getting to demanding wanting to talk at length even when I tell her I have to go help a customer...she just keeps talking,LOL! I just won't answer and let it go to voice mail.

Sharyn, and didn't you say you work part time? There are plenty of hours left in a week for her to call when you are not at work. Let her know your schedule including your travel time. Do not talk on the phone when you are making the 30 minute (?) drive. And it also seems you are working nights, closing etc. Lots of day hours to chat with sis about issues.

If she's like my family and determined to talk to you, she will call repeatedly as if there's a real emergency (couldn't answer it since a client was sitting in front of me.) If she gets nowhere by cell phone, she will then call you at your work's phone. Happened to me. My boss answered the phone and told her that I was busy with a client. Best to just let her know up front how upset you are, how you can lose your job, etc...

Austin, when I look at the calorie info for the different smoothies, some have zero cholesterol. The ones with honey have a small amount of cholesterol. Truly doesn't seem bad to me except what if I drink this daily, then it is counteracting with the oatmeal.

Sea salt is... not really good for you. Your body needs iodine...just as your body also needs some fat. My family likes to throw that to me when I refuse to eat the fats on meat. I avoid fats the majority of time. But when I find myself craving fatty meat, I eat it.

Our body needs iodine. Because of the sea salt craze, people are switching to sea salt. In the medical community, they are seeing an increase of patience suffering with some kind of health problem (sorry, in bed, at 415am). Oh, you will get your salt from other salty food? But what if that food doesn't have iodine? So, once in a while, eat food with iodize salt. Or sprinkle dry seaweed in your food. Seaweed is also a good natural source for iodine salt.

Sea salt has no iodine in it.

If you sprinkle any salt on a raw potato slice, and you see dark blue/grey dots, the salt has iodine in it. A friend of mine could not figure out why her hash browns always looked grey. She was using sea salt which was not "iodized" but contained naturally occurring minerals, including iodine. If you cook pasta, always use plain salt, or you will get that funny grey tinge.

Book-you are right...the agent calls sis in the evenings because of showing the house during the day. I don't think sis has to give him an answer right then and there...she can stall until after we talk the next morning. I think she is over reacting.

My dad got a goiter from not having iodine.

Glad,

You hit the nail on the head about denial. Here we have golden boy, who once had POA's of both mother and the narcissistic sister of mother's. So years ago
he was in charge, but mismanaged, got the narcissistic sister (w/intermingled assets), pissed off, so she re-assigned POA to my sister and the youngest sibling. So, my brother had to bite the bullet w/his ego, and nowadays it's really bruised.

He's in denial for sure about losing mother. Then he's in total denial about the impact beers have upon his life. He's also had health issues the last two years which required surgery. So I'd kind of been told by my sister that he was cleaning up his act. But what I'm witnessing, "I don't think so." But you know the typical other deniars like my sister in this picture would rather give credit before it's due.
We all also know that denying oneself the drinking is a day to day situation.

Your FIL's attitude is exactly some of the things my brother was implying.
Yes, well that's too bad for him, because there's something called the controlled use of controlled substances too. When these are used in the proper manner,
at least what I understand about morphine, it's a benefit to the patient.
He also has been enjoying playing the victim, for a long time. That's how he wants to view it, "Well, grow up." The dysfunction!

Thank you so much!
Big Hugs, and I'm taking measures to hang in there.
A salt bath is in order for me, before the day is over.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Norestforweary,

Yes, you know.....I've always thought that the fact that society seems to be o.k., w/alcohol. In other words we live in a culture encouraging people that it's fine,
that gin and tonic, or a beer. Honestly, if people would just have the sense to not take it w/them when they're dealing with serious circumstances. After this happened, and golden boy left....I tried bringing up this topic to my sister. She acknowledges it, but in a very, very passive way. This too, gets on my nerves, because I'd sometimes like to say something, but I don't feel as if I have her back. For now, I've decided I'm going to bite my tongue, because it just takes too much energy to deal w/the then b.s., it could become. Anyway, for now it's Hospice, and he's just going to have to deal w/that!

Oh, if you're MIL looks as if she needs it, do some searches. There's plenty of information. Hopefully, you'll have everyone in your family onboard w/this decision.

Thank you so much1
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Book,

Oh.....did I have to bite my tongue, and I did leave the room 3 times.
Right now.....I'm having to pick and choose my battles. I learned a long time ago,
that it's best not to get into an opposing view with someone who is drinking. That is rarely productive..

Truth be told.....my sister is the main caregiver w/in the family, so she I guess be the one to tell him a thing or two. Actually I was there of course to get my own gauge about mom, and be supportive of my sister. Mom was asleep throughout the whole experience. So this meant that my brother really didn't see her awake.
Later when he was leaving.....he made some comment to my sister, can't remember. But I think it was regarding, mom being asleep. So my sister answered to him, "Well, you're always welcome to come back at 3:00 a.m., when she wakes up." Yes, my sister has her own ways of getting the message out.
Actually in this case, I was glad she said it this way to him. He totally deserved it.

So no matter what, mother w/be comfortable.

Thank you, and really I was fighting w/myself from going there, but my gut was there, Book. I never judge a caregiver in this circumstance too, for speaking up for themselves. Good for you!

Big Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Well, there are a lot of other components going on at mom's right now.
That household is soooooo chaotic. Now you all know that I've written how my sister is a great administrator/caregiver. She's also the ultimate control freak, and a very possesive personality.

When she moved into mom's seven years ago, her oldest daughter was there w/her then boyfriend. Then she has her youngest daughter, 24 yrs. old.
Since then the daughter w/boyfriend married, moved out and now has two babies. Both parents work, and they've had a baby sitting situation going on in that household during the day. The 24 yr. old is helping in this area as well as the caregiver's for mom. So yesterday after I'd spent the night, her daughter showed up w/the little ones. It was so chaotic the 2 yr. old baby boy was in the living room with a train set. It was adorable, and I enjoyed seeing all of them.
However, my sister between tending to mom.....stops continuously to pay all the grandmother attentions to her grandkids. I was describing this scene to my cousin, and she raised the point, that possibly mom needs some quiet time.
I agree. My nerves were so frazzled when I left, for the first few miles of my drive home. WOW!! Anyway, there's more and will write again!

Hope everyone's having a great Saturday!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

This a.m. I called my sister to see how mom had slept. She said, that yesterday afternoon, she and her youngest daughter smelled something. They discovered mom had pooped in her diaper. So mom was taken for a shower. Mom is still able to walk herself to the bathroom. However, as I wrote before, my sister yesterday had so much chaos going on in the house......apparently some time had possibly passed where she could have checked this.

Today's mothers 93'd birthday. So I'd told my sister that I would not be going there today. Besides, I really don't feel that after mom was in the hospital this last week she's in any condition to have people over in a festive environment.
Well, my sister was telling me this morning, of course in a whiney way, of her plans to call our brothers, and tell them to come down this afternoon. Of course because she always ends up making it a product of food, and a cake, this was all in order for the day, according to her.

I then told her that I'd just found out that I didn't have to show up to do Jury Duty, since I called the jurorserve hotline. Hence I was going to see mom on Monday, during the day. My sister started to hem and haw w/me, and I couldn't quite figure out what this was about. Finally, she mentioned the fact that if could come later on in the week, then this way she would not call a caregiver for the time I'd come. I so don't like it, when my sister feels as if she's going to call the shots when I visit. I told her I wanted to go on Mon., since I'm not there today for her "B," day. Anyway, we hung up. I got a call 5 mins. later. She was now asking me
whether I'd be willing to be there several hours, then she wouldn't get a CG, for that time. I said, "Fine, no problem." She so gets under my skin, the fact that she just can't be uncomplicated, and direct. She just plays so many games, and doesn't realize how many times she's put out the message, that she wants people their for their use. O.K., I'm just venting now.

I'd better see if I have those bath salts.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sorry everyone,
I need to proof read better.
Margeaux