
Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
My mom just got done going to urgent care twice, last week for the constipation.
The second time she was admitted. They put her on stool softeners, gave her enemas, so you can imagine what this is doing to her. She pooped in her diaper the other day.She gets up to go to the bathroom, but she is sleeping quite alot right now. She has managed to get up to eat at the table, but really I think she's eating most of her meals in her room.
There's already plenty of activity going on M-F because they have romper room going on there during the daytime. My sister's grandkids are being baby sat, while the daughter is at work.
I realize that many people seem to think that relatives should come by and say that one last goodbye and all of that. But truth be told, if these events don't happen......none of mother's grandchildren (brother's kids), never come to visit.
They only come when there's a party, and food for their faces!!! In other words, they'd probably never come down, just to see mom w/o all the festivities going on.
My sister's daughter, asked my sister whether she could have the Baptismal reception there, since the church she'll be baptized in is only 4 blocks away from mom's home. So I know this was a convenience decision on her part. This way people attending the Baptismal wouldn't have to drive another 13 miles or so to her house. She has room at her place to throw a party, too as they had her son's "B," party there last Nov. If I were in my sister's shoes, I'd tell my daughter that because of mom's condition.....it would just be a better idea to have it at their place. I know my sister lives there, but IMO, there's just been toooooo much entitlement going on w/both my sister and her daughters w/respect to the use of mother's home.
Another factor is that my sister has now let her guard down, by allowing one of our brother's daughters to return back into the family! She was the trouble in our family for a long time, even spent some time in jail. Now she's hitting 40, got married last year and is making it look as if her life is a.o.k. party. Anyway, although I believe it's good for people to say their goodbye's, I do have an issue w/people showing up in the 11th hour of a person's life, something this girl did even when dad was in the hospital as a result of his stroke.
My sister is just too wound up into what other people want of her. She enjoys also being the center of attention, if you can imagine.....cooking for everybody, etc., so she looks like the good sister, aunt, etc. But it doesn't even look as if any consideration goes towards whether mom can handle all of this. My sister takes the attitude that, "Oh well, all mother does is sleep." So in other words, it's o.k., and noise, and a lot of people doesn't bother her. This is why I'm disgusted with all of this at the moment.
Thank you,
Hugs,
Margeaux
I have felt so completely powerless in all of this. Thank goodness I reached a breaking point got an attorney, went to court and was successful at having much of siblings power stripped from her.
Glad, great minds think alike, it would seem, because I got motivated after my last post and went online and found highly recommended new geriatrician for my father, and I found her on healthgrades. In all honesty, I didn't know about the site before my searches, but soon realized what a goldmine that site is. I saw that she accepts Medicare/Medicaid and that her waiting room time is supposedly 10-15 minutes. That beats 3 1/2 hours all day long!
So yay, got that new patient appointment on the calendar for end of April and will go from there. I've already composed my lengthy list of things to discuss, although I'm sure I may add to it.
Figured out that Medicare/Medicaid is changing over to other health care providers on June 1 of this year. Where have I been, how did I not get this memo? Is that a state issue or national mandate? Nonetheless I got it all figured out today. I chose my father's new plan as best as I could out of the 6 choices available, and will look around on AC to see what others have been saying, as well as ask new PCP who she can accept.
AND… just a few minutes ago, my father took off walking up to corner grocery. I did have to nag him a bit to do it, but he's going and I'm relieved.
Baby steps…
Will come back and read later. Thank you for giving me sounding board, its invaluable. (((((hugs)))))
That's great finding dad a new doc, and he on his way to the store. Are you sure you didn't kick him out, or tell him he is going to starve?! LOL!
Baby steps!
all because I asked her to come stay for one day this week. She is furious about it...tells me she has 8 loads of laundry and school board meetings and she cant' drive over here EVERY DAY...I asked for ONE..not every. THen she told me I have a chip on my shoulder and won't cooperate with her and that she will not be made to feel guilty about not keeping Mom.
good lort. I will fight her tooth and nail before she'll take mom from this house....but I also won't ask her to help anymore. Let it be on her own head, no one can 'give' you guilt..you either feel it or you don't. She can't come crying to me about losing her mom anymore.
The social worker told her that she couldn't put mother in a nursing home with out her consent.....and if she would just hold on until we got the home worker, things would be better. I can see my sister bullying my mother into accepting entry into a nursing home though.
she is supposed to come sit tomorrow and Wed....I don't even want her here.
The thing is, too, I have At Least $10k in receipts of things I purchased using my own money to buy necessary items for my grandmother and father, or for this house. I'm not trying to be greedy here, or get off scot-free, and they know it. So I don't know why they make me ask them a dozen times for things they agree they should be providing/paying for.
Whew, good steps! I'm practically dizzy (or is it giddy) from the effort. Bbl after I eat, relax, and do a happy dance or two around the living room. :-)
Today I went to mother's during the day. I arrive and Hospice nurse had already checked mom's vital signs, they were good. Now I went today just because I decided not to see mom on her birthday. When I told my sister of my plan to swing by Mon., she ended up making it as if she was cornering me into caregiving for 4 hrs., which I just decided to do because I could today also. So I got a call from her as soon as I arrived. She's telling me if there's a knock on the door not to answer it, that it was another CG, she'd lined up for that day. Apparently she and her daughter w/the babysitting needs got their wires crossed.
The daughter didn't want the CG who was already there w/her kids to be there simultaneously w/one that was to show up. My sister was trying to call her on her cell, but this CG, never picked up the call. So now she's trying to get me involved, because of their lack of organization. This didn't feel good at all. I had to close the blinds, like no one was home. Is this what they mean by triangulation?
Then I'm there about an hour, and the door bell rings. I looked through the peephole, it wasn't the CG, but some official looking woman. She's some kind of diagnostics person from Hospice, so I invited her in. Now I wasn't told anything about this woman showing up. She wanted to ask some questions how mom was doing, and from what I gathered, mom's decline, etc. So I did explain that I was the relief person, didn't live there, so really my sister could better answer her questions. So generally speaking I gave her some information.
Then as we were there, I get a call from my sis, and somehow she I guess had been called by someone to inform her that this lady was coming to the house today. So I passed the phone to the woman. I could hear most of it.....boy and did my sister get heavy handed (tone of voice)) letting her know, that SHE, is the one to be answering these question. She made this woman squirm in front of me, it was so awful. That feeling of being chopped liver enveloped my whole being. This also didn't feel good. You could cut the control through the cell phone, quite disgusting if you ask me.
So I stayed until she got off work. She walks in the door, and had this very defensive posture w/me, and looked like she was in a real bitchy mood.
She didn't say not one peep about the woman she had spoken to from Hospice,
nor did she ask me anything about what the woman had asked me. So my take is that, she's succumbed to some weird type of possesive, jealous thing.
Well you know what? I have just become unavailable!
Margeaux
What a day. A good one. I badly needed to get some things accomplished and I think I did that.
Margeaux, I see two sides of situation regarding your sis taking too many liberties, and seemingly disregarding best interest of your mom. You know your situation, I do not, and you've always seemed more than fair and level-headed to me… but I keep thinking about my GM. Even though my GM slept a lot and had complete dementia, she would've loved it if a party would've happened in this house. She could always be lovingly tucked in her bed, and door closed, if she was worn out, but she loved her family, even if she didn't know who they were anymore. It never happened that there were any parties (rarely a single visitor and that was my bros & mom only, separate occasions) but I really think it would've made her happy. All those visitors will have to at least obligingly greet/hug/kiss your mom… I could be way off here, waaaaay off, but I don't think its so horrible that there will be gathering there at mom's house. NOW, the part about "they wouldn't come to see her, just to party and stuff their face"… that part I totally concur with.
I don't know if your mom is like mine. At family gatherings, lthough my mom no longer understood what we were saying, when we all started laughing together, my mom was a few seconds late, but she also laughed. Although we knew she didn't understand, it was wonderful to see her smiling face as she looked at us. Mom was mimicking us. Eventually, she stopped doing that, too. She would just sit and stare off into space. It's the children's screaming, yelling, running - that really irritated/upset her.
Sharyn - It would be best if SIL did not do those tests. It will be very very difficult for her if she finds out that she carries the genes. Worse if it comes out negative, and she might try to get your brother to do the tests. But I can see why she needs to know.
Sometimes I wonder if there will EVER be a day where there isn't some level of b.s. I have to deal with because of her bad decisions in life.
We got a letter from our insurance company saying that because of a change in our credit rating, our rates are going up. Neither husband or I knew what on earth could have changed our credit score, so we looked into it. It's my mom's crappy credit that's doing this to us, since we were both put on her account in late 2013. *Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!* So now I'm trying to clean up this mess so my credit isn't a pile of manure. Thanks mom.
That my sister is a complete piece of work is an understatement!
She's been like this all her life. I have always tried to ignore ti, or naively thought back in the old days because shame on me I was a people pleaser. But now that I've set at least some kind of boundaries in place, but also trying to find the balance of sidestepping all this and helping with mother right now is really difficult for me.
My sister doesn't how to respect other people's feelings about things. But yet,
she's the typical obsessed complainer and always manages to find the negative in everything! I'm all for giving mother the joy of having people over if that's what makes her happy. But this situation is beyond ridiculous. If people can'tS see that, well I'd say they enjoy chaos and are on board w/this kind of dysfunction.
She loves to put herself out like a martyr.
I'm sure she was also bugged, the fact that I elected not to go on Sun., when she had everybody there. I hadn't even mentioned that, there were so many other things going on here. Well, this weekend is her daughter's baby's Baptismal, and she's the after reception is none other than at mother's house. It's going to be close to 30 people. There's lots of entitlement.
I'm not looking forward to this either, given the recent developments, but I am gong to be there, oh well.....h**l's bells! HAAH, got to keep my sense of humor in tact!
Thanks so much,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
I know my mother is definitely going down hill. Actually, what you wrote I could almost copy and paste, and send it to all my siblings. I already had quite a heavy stay over visit just last Thurs., but I went back on Mon. This isn't going to get in my way, but yes....I'm very irritated by this behavior, and I still show up over there.
But it's going to be more like drop in visits. I can't tolerate this b.s.
Boundaries!
Thank you for your suggestions,
Much Love & Light
I't's 5:36 a.m., haven't had my strong cup of Java, so sorry about my errors, and no signature. Gee, I wish I could grind my coffee, but afraid I'd wake the husband up!
HAAH! Margeaux
You must be having a great time on your vacation.
I think I can say, that we miss you.
Have fun! Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Thank you! Yes, I'm just trying to stay focused, and keeping it simple. because they act like things aren't hard enough.
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Now sis is talking about renovating mom's kitchen with granite counter tops and she probably won't stop there. She will want new stainless steel appliances costing around $20,000 total. Now the next door is going to be renovated and put on the market for $215,000. That is $15,000 less than what the real estate has priced mom's house. It makes no sense, we would have to increase the price on mom's house to get the money back. It is not mom's house is over priced...I see the realtor pressuring us so they get their commission and can move on to something bigger and better. If sis pushes for a reno, it may be a real wedge between us.