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Sharyn, I'm so sorry about your niece. Once cancer starts spreading, it's terminal. All those other treatments are just to prolong their life. My 10 year old niece had bone cancer on her upper thigh. They cut off her leg to try to stop it from spreading. Too late. It already went to her chest/lungs. She was going thru chemo to try to kill as much of it as possible. Unfortunately, every time she had chemo, she got weaker and weaker. Until she was skin and bone, no hair. The very last chemo was just too much for her. I hope your niece knows when it's time to stop the aggressive treatments, and concentrate on enjoying life to the fullest. It would be wonderful if she did her own private video for each member of her family. And for any future grand nieces/nephews. In turn, I hope each family member do their own videos reminiscing their childhood, trouble they got into, and their heartfelt feelings to her. She can watch those videos when she feels down. And her family will have something from her years down the road. Sharyn, {{HUGS}}
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Margeaux, is sis doing these party at the house so that the relatives can say their final goodbyes/closure with your mom? How does your mom handle noise and visitors? I know when we had parties, my mom couldn't handle too much noise. Or too many children's shouting/crying. When visitors spoke to her, she had this blank look. I don't think she understood what they were saying to her. I feel sorry for your mom if the noise level is too high, and seeing too many people. {{HUGS}}
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Book,
My mom just got done going to urgent care twice, last week for the constipation.
The second time she was admitted. They put her on stool softeners, gave her enemas, so you can imagine what this is doing to her. She pooped in her diaper the other day.She gets up to go to the bathroom, but she is sleeping quite alot right now. She has managed to get up to eat at the table, but really I think she's eating most of her meals in her room.

There's already plenty of activity going on M-F because they have romper room going on there during the daytime. My sister's grandkids are being baby sat, while the daughter is at work.
I realize that many people seem to think that relatives should come by and say that one last goodbye and all of that. But truth be told, if these events don't happen......none of mother's grandchildren (brother's kids), never come to visit.
They only come when there's a party, and food for their faces!!! In other words, they'd probably never come down, just to see mom w/o all the festivities going on.

My sister's daughter, asked my sister whether she could have the Baptismal reception there, since the church she'll be baptized in is only 4 blocks away from mom's home. So I know this was a convenience decision on her part. This way people attending the Baptismal wouldn't have to drive another 13 miles or so to her house. She has room at her place to throw a party, too as they had her son's "B," party there last Nov. If I were in my sister's shoes, I'd tell my daughter that because of mom's condition.....it would just be a better idea to have it at their place. I know my sister lives there, but IMO, there's just been toooooo much entitlement going on w/both my sister and her daughters w/respect to the use of mother's home.

Another factor is that my sister has now let her guard down, by allowing one of our brother's daughters to return back into the family! She was the trouble in our family for a long time, even spent some time in jail. Now she's hitting 40, got married last year and is making it look as if her life is a.o.k. party. Anyway, although I believe it's good for people to say their goodbye's, I do have an issue w/people showing up in the 11th hour of a person's life, something this girl did even when dad was in the hospital as a result of his stroke.

My sister is just too wound up into what other people want of her. She enjoys also being the center of attention, if you can imagine.....cooking for everybody, etc., so she looks like the good sister, aunt, etc. But it doesn't even look as if any consideration goes towards whether mom can handle all of this. My sister takes the attitude that, "Oh well, all mother does is sleep." So in other words, it's o.k., and noise, and a lot of people doesn't bother her. This is why I'm disgusted with all of this at the moment.

Thank you,
Hugs,
Margeaux
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well the good will and cooperation from my sister lasted all of four days. I had the gall to call her and ask her to stay ONE and a half days with mother this week so this morning she called around and found the first nursing home she could without a waiting list and is working on getting Mom admitted...no input from me, nada...she can't be coming 'every day' to stay with her, she's BUSY! and she wants POA because I have a 'chip' on my shoulder and think I can make all the decisions! I am furious and in tears with anger...how dare she do this? I called the socialworker and told her we need mediation.
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Wanting, yes, family dysfunctions. Be thankful you have POA. Take the time you need and bring in hired agency caregiver. In my case, sis has POA and called all the shots in spite of not having a clue as to what my mom's need. For her it is solely power, nothing about what is best for mom. We ended up in court and now have guardian that makes decisions about mom's living situation. Much to sibs surprise sisters had paid a deposit on a unit for mom and her hubby to share without even checking with moms hubby who is competent, or asking what he thought. He has is own medical issues and sisters thought he SHOULD take care of mom.

I have felt so completely powerless in all of this. Thank goodness I reached a breaking point got an attorney, went to court and was successful at having much of siblings power stripped from her.
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Whew, what a Monday! Haven't read latest posts, forgive me, but have had such a day regarding my dad's issues, and want to share my successes with somebody who understands, lol, and thats you guys.

Glad, great minds think alike, it would seem, because I got motivated after my last post and went online and found highly recommended new geriatrician for my father, and I found her on healthgrades. In all honesty, I didn't know about the site before my searches, but soon realized what a goldmine that site is. I saw that she accepts Medicare/Medicaid and that her waiting room time is supposedly 10-15 minutes. That beats 3 1/2 hours all day long!

So yay, got that new patient appointment on the calendar for end of April and will go from there. I've already composed my lengthy list of things to discuss, although I'm sure I may add to it.

Figured out that Medicare/Medicaid is changing over to other health care providers on June 1 of this year. Where have I been, how did I not get this memo? Is that a state issue or national mandate? Nonetheless I got it all figured out today. I chose my father's new plan as best as I could out of the 6 choices available, and will look around on AC to see what others have been saying, as well as ask new PCP who she can accept.

AND… just a few minutes ago, my father took off walking up to corner grocery. I did have to nag him a bit to do it, but he's going and I'm relieved.

Baby steps…

Will come back and read later. Thank you for giving me sounding board, its invaluable. (((((hugs)))))
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Allison-
That's great finding dad a new doc, and he on his way to the store. Are you sure you didn't kick him out, or tell him he is going to starve?! LOL!

Baby steps!
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Makes me glad in a way I don't have any family what to speak of. What I have (had) was dysfunctional.
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that's just it, gladimhere, I do NOT have POA. My sister called the social worker and is trying to get guardenship.

all because I asked her to come stay for one day this week. She is furious about it...tells me she has 8 loads of laundry and school board meetings and she cant' drive over here EVERY DAY...I asked for ONE..not every. THen she told me I have a chip on my shoulder and won't cooperate with her and that she will not be made to feel guilty about not keeping Mom.

good lort. I will fight her tooth and nail before she'll take mom from this house....but I also won't ask her to help anymore. Let it be on her own head, no one can 'give' you guilt..you either feel it or you don't. She can't come crying to me about losing her mom anymore.

The social worker told her that she couldn't put mother in a nursing home with out her consent.....and if she would just hold on until we got the home worker, things would be better. I can see my sister bullying my mother into accepting entry into a nursing home though.

she is supposed to come sit tomorrow and Wed....I don't even want her here.
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For my coup de gras move, I sent email to Trust stating in no uncertain terms that they will be providing me with money to buy decent mold/allergen home air purifier (btw, I've done some research on which ones are highest rated and least expensive, if anyone wants input). At one time, it was their assurance to me that they would put them in the house before we even returned, in order for house to be safe to come back to… grrr… nothing has been easy, that is the truth, and dealing with the Trust is like having a whole other dys family to deal with.

The thing is, too, I have At Least $10k in receipts of things I purchased using my own money to buy necessary items for my grandmother and father, or for this house. I'm not trying to be greedy here, or get off scot-free, and they know it. So I don't know why they make me ask them a dozen times for things they agree they should be providing/paying for.

Whew, good steps! I'm practically dizzy (or is it giddy) from the effort. Bbl after I eat, relax, and do a happy dance or two around the living room. :-)
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I have the opposite problem with my sis who handles all of mom's finances. She is too eager to write me a check for expenses for me having mom's dog with me. I won't accept it because I chose to keep the dog with me. She did pay for the city license fee for the dog because of the change of address, it was sent it her and she didn't tell me. I have to go the the city and change that so sis does not get it when it comes due again.
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I've had quite a Monday too!
Today I went to mother's during the day. I arrive and Hospice nurse had already checked mom's vital signs, they were good. Now I went today just because I decided not to see mom on her birthday. When I told my sister of my plan to swing by Mon., she ended up making it as if she was cornering me into caregiving for 4 hrs., which I just decided to do because I could today also. So I got a call from her as soon as I arrived. She's telling me if there's a knock on the door not to answer it, that it was another CG, she'd lined up for that day. Apparently she and her daughter w/the babysitting needs got their wires crossed.
The daughter didn't want the CG who was already there w/her kids to be there simultaneously w/one that was to show up. My sister was trying to call her on her cell, but this CG, never picked up the call. So now she's trying to get me involved, because of their lack of organization. This didn't feel good at all. I had to close the blinds, like no one was home. Is this what they mean by triangulation?

Then I'm there about an hour, and the door bell rings. I looked through the peephole, it wasn't the CG, but some official looking woman. She's some kind of diagnostics person from Hospice, so I invited her in. Now I wasn't told anything about this woman showing up. She wanted to ask some questions how mom was doing, and from what I gathered, mom's decline, etc. So I did explain that I was the relief person, didn't live there, so really my sister could better answer her questions. So generally speaking I gave her some information.
Then as we were there, I get a call from my sis, and somehow she I guess had been called by someone to inform her that this lady was coming to the house today. So I passed the phone to the woman. I could hear most of it.....boy and did my sister get heavy handed (tone of voice)) letting her know, that SHE, is the one to be answering these question. She made this woman squirm in front of me, it was so awful. That feeling of being chopped liver enveloped my whole being. This also didn't feel good. You could cut the control through the cell phone, quite disgusting if you ask me.

So I stayed until she got off work. She walks in the door, and had this very defensive posture w/me, and looked like she was in a real bitchy mood.
She didn't say not one peep about the woman she had spoken to from Hospice,
nor did she ask me anything about what the woman had asked me. So my take is that, she's succumbed to some weird type of possesive, jealous thing.

Well you know what? I have just become unavailable!

Margeaux
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Sharyn, I can't tell if your last post was "responding" to me…? I figure in my unique situation, I don't pay rent or utilities, so for a long time I just spent my money on what was needed. But after almost 3 years, I'm tapped out. I never saw this caregiving stint as "long-term," haha, and didn't plan accordingly/financially. How naive was I about the elderly, family dysfunction, my sig other at the time, my ability to go back to my previous life...

What a day. A good one. I badly needed to get some things accomplished and I think I did that.

Margeaux, I see two sides of situation regarding your sis taking too many liberties, and seemingly disregarding best interest of your mom. You know your situation, I do not, and you've always seemed more than fair and level-headed to me… but I keep thinking about my GM. Even though my GM slept a lot and had complete dementia, she would've loved it if a party would've happened in this house. She could always be lovingly tucked in her bed, and door closed, if she was worn out, but she loved her family, even if she didn't know who they were anymore. It never happened that there were any parties (rarely a single visitor and that was my bros & mom only, separate occasions) but I really think it would've made her happy. All those visitors will have to at least obligingly greet/hug/kiss your mom… I could be way off here, waaaaay off, but I don't think its so horrible that there will be gathering there at mom's house. NOW, the part about "they wouldn't come to see her, just to party and stuff their face"… that part I totally concur with.
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Whew, Margeaux, your sis is a piece of work. We cross-posted (isn't that the term, emjo? loll) but just read about today. Yeah, ok, I concede, anyone who is capable of control-freaking out like that at someone who is there to help has issues that take innocent party/family gathering into weird, unknown zone. I may have to retract my post to you right this moment and wait for further details about sis, lol! You did say she seeks approval from others too excessively, that this gathering is about her getting to be the "good mom/aunt" at the heart of it… and I read all that and still thought maybe your mom would benefit anyway. But,to me, you just spoke volumes of dysfunctionality about your sis. Ok… I'm inclined to go with your version! (((((hugs)))))
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I would love the info on the air cleaner. I believe that our home has a mold problem but we are not in a position to fix it right now. I have a lung condition and have been going down hill the last couple months, so anything that might help without gutting the house would be great...
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It was not necessarily personally posted to you Alison. Ut more of a general posted that tied in but yet with an opposite twist to it. My sis is too eager to cut me a check for what I see as non caregiving duties. Even though the dog is my moms dog. I chose to bring to my home home and make her my dog. It is meant as anything else.
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Oops..it is not meant as anything more.
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Book-thank you for your kind words regarding my niece. Next month will be a year since losing Chris to cancer. My sil is beside herself with grief. She going to get genetic testing done to find out if she carries a marker. I just hope she does not blame herself for her children's cancer. Hugs to you!
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Margeaux, your mom is in hospice service. That means that she's going downhill. I know that your sister irritates you like h*** but ... your visit is for your mom, not sis. Please don't let your irritation get in the way of spending as much as you can with mom. If you only want to spend 3 hours and sis wants you to stay longer, either be firm with your time. Let her know in advance that you can stay for this long. If the time comes and no paid cg comes, then YOU can ask her a Question that She MUST answer. No hiding, no hemming. The Truth. Let her know that one of the questions would be... mom's status with so-and-so. Tell sis that there is NO negotiation. You both are sisters, and your mom is both your mother. When sis wants you to babysit, then she must also share. Period. And when the time comes, if you must, stay there until sis comes home. Or drop by when you know she's home, and demand your part of the agreement- question and her answering. I just don't know what else you can do to let sis know that you are part of the family and deserve some answers, too.

I don't know if your mom is like mine. At family gatherings, lthough my mom no longer understood what we were saying, when we all started laughing together, my mom was a few seconds late, but she also laughed. Although we knew she didn't understand, it was wonderful to see her smiling face as she looked at us. Mom was mimicking us. Eventually, she stopped doing that, too. She would just sit and stare off into space. It's the children's screaming, yelling, running - that really irritated/upset her.

Sharyn - It would be best if SIL did not do those tests. It will be very very difficult for her if she finds out that she carries the genes. Worse if it comes out negative, and she might try to get your brother to do the tests. But I can see why she needs to know.
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Way to go Margeaux.
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Book- my brother is not the biological father. It is a tough situation as my niece has never worked and now her husband does not work. She is getting Medi-Cal. from public assistance. She is making meals daily for her fil and takes the meals to his home as he is widowed and old school male from Mexico. My brother and sil gave the daughter a car to use for her treatment appointments (she does not drive).Her husband instead uses the car to drive his father around and my sil takes her daughter to the appointments. My niece is not getting any help or support from her husband. My brother and sil are very angry but sil keeps supporting them financial out of her own retirement. Appartently she has been supporting them for many years which I was not aware of. There is a lot of enabling going on due to my sil.
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Today's lesson in caregiving: Have mom's credit report run before jumping to be a joint account holder/authorized signer on her bank account. All those bills she ignored in 2012 and that refrigerator she went into collections over will come back to bite on YOUR credit rating too. *grumble grumble grumble* She could have paid cash for that fridge, but put it on her Sears card and then refused to make payments. "I've paid enough on that thing!" Why is there no emoticon for pulling my hair out?

Sometimes I wonder if there will EVER be a day where there isn't some level of b.s. I have to deal with because of her bad decisions in life.

We got a letter from our insurance company saying that because of a change in our credit rating, our rates are going up. Neither husband or I knew what on earth could have changed our credit score, so we looked into it. It's my mom's crappy credit that's doing this to us, since we were both put on her account in late 2013. *Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!* So now I'm trying to clean up this mess so my credit isn't a pile of manure. Thanks mom.
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Sandwich, excellent lesson for all of us! Thank you for sharing that and very sorry you now have to deal with the mess.
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Alison,

That my sister is a complete piece of work is an understatement!
She's been like this all her life. I have always tried to ignore ti, or naively thought back in the old days because shame on me I was a people pleaser. But now that I've set at least some kind of boundaries in place, but also trying to find the balance of sidestepping all this and helping with mother right now is really difficult for me.

My sister doesn't how to respect other people's feelings about things. But yet,
she's the typical obsessed complainer and always manages to find the negative in everything! I'm all for giving mother the joy of having people over if that's what makes her happy. But this situation is beyond ridiculous. If people can'tS see that, well I'd say they enjoy chaos and are on board w/this kind of dysfunction.
She loves to put herself out like a martyr.

I'm sure she was also bugged, the fact that I elected not to go on Sun., when she had everybody there. I hadn't even mentioned that, there were so many other things going on here. Well, this weekend is her daughter's baby's Baptismal, and she's the after reception is none other than at mother's house. It's going to be close to 30 people. There's lots of entitlement.
I'm not looking forward to this either, given the recent developments, but I am gong to be there, oh well.....h**l's bells! HAAH, got to keep my sense of humor in tact!

Thanks so much,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Book,

I know my mother is definitely going down hill. Actually, what you wrote I could almost copy and paste, and send it to all my siblings. I already had quite a heavy stay over visit just last Thurs., but I went back on Mon. This isn't going to get in my way, but yes....I'm very irritated by this behavior, and I still show up over there.

But it's going to be more like drop in visits. I can't tolerate this b.s.
Boundaries!

Thank you for your suggestions,
Much Love & Light
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Alison & Book,

I't's 5:36 a.m., haven't had my strong cup of Java, so sorry about my errors, and no signature. Gee, I wish I could grind my coffee, but afraid I'd wake the husband up!

HAAH! Margeaux
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Emjo,

You must be having a great time on your vacation.
I think I can say, that we miss you.

Have fun! Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Veronica,

Thank you! Yes, I'm just trying to stay focused, and keeping it simple. because they act like things aren't hard enough.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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I working this week at my old store. I was told yesterday by the deli manager that she is working to get me back and to give it a few more weeks. I am hoping. And keeping my toes and fingers crossed!!!
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Margeaux-your sis and mine are similar. Even my brother told me that sis was insisting our nephew go fix the toilet seat at mom's house before it went up for sale. My brother told his son..."why, when most people buy an older home they do 2 things...change all the locks and put in new toilets?"

Now sis is talking about renovating mom's kitchen with granite counter tops and she probably won't stop there. She will want new stainless steel appliances costing around $20,000 total. Now the next door is going to be renovated and put on the market for $215,000. That is $15,000 less than what the real estate has priced mom's house. It makes no sense, we would have to increase the price on mom's house to get the money back. It is not mom's house is over priced...I see the realtor pressuring us so they get their commission and can move on to something bigger and better. If sis pushes for a reno, it may be a real wedge between us.
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