The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

If I were to buy a house that needed fixing up I would want to put in appliances etc. that I wanted-you may have said it before but does your sister have the final word or is she just being a pain?

Austin- sis holds the DPOA and she fancy's herself as an expert because she watches property brother's. If my brother and I disagree with her, she may back down.

Hi Everyone! I have been MIA for quite a while - due to lots going on - you are all so good about being on here and staying in touch with each other! I hope all of you are doing well as I didn't get to read all the posts here...and I really need to vent to people that really understand.

Last time I posted they were threatening to kick my mother out of her AL due to her throwing a fit and hitting the facility manager. Fortunately - I acted quickly - got her an appointment with her doctor and finally got her on antidepressants as well as the Serequil which work nicely together. She had refused to take the antidepressant. The doctor did a great job selling it as something to help her feel less anxious. So - long story short - after the dr apt we had a horrible fight where she tried to throw a pitcher of water on my husband, yelling and telling me FU and get out. Needless to say - we left - and that was in January and I haven't been back. She sends me crazy emails almost daily - most I don't respond to. Which leads me to writing today. I have never felt more hated in my life. Even with the fantastic counseling I have had... so - what started as a benign her sending me some quote - I returned it with a positive one, then her remembering my old boyfriend - then it quickly turned to her stating that my husband hit her and yelled. I clarified for her - got about 6 more nasty emails. I responded to a couple saying it would be nice to visit her without fighting - and that she never seems happy to see me or miss me - and that I would be happy to come visit if that were the case. So - I have been monitoring her emails as she has tried to email Amazon and all kinds of crazy things - so some things need to be intercepted (I am her NSA) and she had emailed my sister in law - who she hates, taking about my brother who has not seen or talked to in 2 years - saying in the email she loves them. Really?? Ouch. Then she sent me an email saying to give my brother the key to her house. Wow. So - I didn't respond and it really felt like crap.

Just got an emotional bombshell dropped on me. As I was letting in the workmen to redo HVAC duct cleaning this morning, I noticed a letter my father had put in outgoing mail. I tend to double check on my father, as he can do really goofy things sometimes, so noticing that the envelope as business return mail and addressed to "Insurance Activation Department," I pulled it out to glance over and make sure dad wasn't doing anything accidentally foolish. Inside is a form to active "Accidental Death & Dismemberment" Policy, payable in amount of $300k to me… and only to me, not my brothers, too. I haven't stopped crying and the guys are here working so I need to pull it together and just get on with my day. At some point, I want to research whether or not such a policy is even recommended for him at his age, and truthfully I hate the idea that he would take out this policy. It was obviously some sort of advertising done through his bank, and the policy premiums would come out of his account each month…

I'm going to wait until I can research and think over with clear head about what to do. But… its just such a ball of emotions for me… unreal. (((((hugs)))))

It's really difficult for many of us who don't have POA of our elders, and then some here that have full charge of the elders, and don't have it. This scenario I'm sure must be very tough! Do you all notice how at the bottom of it, is our sincere concern for the elder's welfare, nothing more.

I was really irritated on my last posts. It was even causing me to wake up at 4:00 a.m. two days in a row. So I'm trying my best to detach from it as best I can.
This Baptismal is this Sat., still need to shop for a gift. My husband and I will go, but I admit there's lots of angst on my part about this, because of how my sisters vibe is right now. Oh well.....Sharynarie, can you tell me where you bought your,
"big girl panties," I sure need to get a pair! HAAH!

So the other day when I was at mom's, my cousin dropped by in the midst of the confusion over there. Mom came out to the living room wearing a cute two piece velour outfit. The top was unzipped, and she was in full expose of her breasts.
My cousin and me told her how sexy she looked, and my cousin tried zipping it up, but we discovered the zipper was broken.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Alison shred it. These policies are only and only for accidental death and dismemberment and common from banks and credit cards. The institutaion insures you for the first thousand and then you can add basically any amount after that. it will probably cost about $30 a month BUT it only covers accidental death ie as in the Boston Marathon, a car crash a tree falling on his head ot the loss of a limb eye etc. It was an extremely nice gesture on his part and he probably felt it was something you deserved but unless his death is really accidental it won't pay.
Just google accidental death insurance and you will find all the information you need. Give your Dad a very big hug and cook his favorite dinner. It wasn't actually a scam and has some worth but thats it.
I expect Pam Steadman will have a crisp one line answer fo you. i don't have her way with words. Hugs

Sad It is no good telling you the disease is talking not your mother you already know that. If she has always been this way then that is the way it is, If she was previously a loving caring person she is still in there somewhere and needs to be treated that way. You certainly don't need to read her emails or reply Why not try sending a pretty card with a short note about daily happenings. If there are grandchildren or special events include a photograph. Don't expect a loving reply she has lost that capability but in the only way she now knows she wants to keep in touch. it is heartbreaking for you but you are doing all you are able for her. keep in close touch with whoever is suoervising he at the AL so you get a heads up about how she is doing. Blessings

Margeaux. I think Walmart must sell big girl panties. I have seen a lot of big girls in there!!!!!!!!!!

Whew, workmen just left. So glad they were here and redid the HVAC ductwork clean out, and after yet another email to but them about it this morning, Trust told me to purchase air purifier and they will reimburse. My new Austin Air HM400 will be here in a week, yay! Weather is getting warmer and I can start to consider cracking some windows and getting some fresh air in. Onwards and upwards.

Veronica, my first instinct is to do exactly what you said and shred it. He will likely not remember anything about applying for the policy, really, but I can't prevent him from getting future advertisements and trying to do it again. He gets the mail everyday, its his habit and I largely try to leave him be… although once in awhile I do the "caregiver snoop around" disguised as cleaning his room or whatnot and try to get my hands on, and remove, all the advertising mail he likes to just pile up on his bed. I hate it that so many company's direct mail advertising campaigns and mail order catalogs target elderly… Its like Publisher's Clearing House methodology run rampant, if you know what I mean… its hard to be protective of him and still give him his autonomy to make his own decisions.

Yeah, I'm very likely going to shred it. Just want to get over the emotional shock of it all and find a way to talk to him about it? So that he doesn't continue to try to do this? Of course, I'll have to come up with reason/excuse I was snooping in his mail… if you got any ideas on that, let me know!

Thank you all. Please let me know where the big girl panties are purchased at, I need a pair, too. (((((hugs)))))

Oh, geesh, waterworks coming…

I know my father must hear me sobbing some times in the shower, or in my room. I can't really help it and sometimes I just cry… and for all of his faults (which is mostly just that he's somehow mentally impaired), I know he doesn't want me to be sad, or resentful of him and my being here, and he knows I've done and do a lot for him…

He doesn't seem depressed at all. I mention this because when I saw it was "accidental death" policy I thought "Is he going to walk in front of a bus?" But I don't think that's even remote possibility that was part of his mindset in getting the policy. And he laughs when doctors tell him he only has 5-10 years left to live because of advancing COPD… he tells them that he's just fine. I've seen this behavior from him over and over, he will tell medical people he's living for another 30 years. I wonder to myself is it denial, or is it because his mother did actually live so much longer and he thinks he will, too? So hard for me to understand how he thinks, even after all this time with him.

His naiveté and him trying to get this policy "for me" is just breaking my heart… I needed to find some more compassion and love for him and its been so hard, given the past and the terrible father he was. I'm just so incredibly emotional right now. But… as I typed this… I had a good cry and now I'll just get on with the day. Breathing exercises are so beneficial for me at a time like this. I haven't done them in some time. I will do them right now.

Alison there are two things there, aren't there? - one, your Dad thinking of you, which is lovely, albeit poignant; but two - the policy is a cheeky dud, it should not be being sold to your father (accidental death or dismemberment forsooth! - big on the stock car racing circuit, is he?), it is probably low cost in terms of premiums and/but it is a dead waste of his money. Chuck it out.

Depending on the source of policy, you might feel inclined to give them a piece of your mind; but unless you can actually get them to agree not to contact your father again (some hope, especially if they're the sales-driven kind) you're wasting your breath.

It's a life lesson that we all variously take our time about learning: that insurance is a straight bet. You bet that something will happen, and the insurer (or "book maker") bets it won't. How likely is it that an elderly gentleman will die or be, God forbid, dismembered through an accident *that is not already covered by household or motor insurance n.b.*? Incredibly unlikely. So the insurer says "bet that'll never happen. Thank you for your $20 per month premium, all 450,000 of you punters" and pays out - how often, would you reckon? Ever?

Piffling little low cost insurance policies are sold to all of us all the time; and there is an interesting psychological trick to the marketing of them. It's that word "protection." "Protect your family" against - oh, I don't know, the fridge breaking down. And in our minds, protection means it won't happen. I buy this insurance, I'm protected against my fridge breaking down. I.e. my fridge won't break down. I am very happy to shell out a small amount of money to stop THAT happening.

Except of course the policy does no such thing. It means that when your fridge breaks down, you will get a repair man in a bit quicker and if you'd just stocked up, as luck would have it, on smoked salmon and it's all gone bad, you'll do quite well out of it. But the annoyance and the couple of days without a fridge? Nope. Still get those. And you'll never quite trust your old, repaired fridge again, once it's let you down. You might as well have kept the money you spent on premiums and put it towards a shiny new one.

The only insurance it is sensible to pay for is that which either is required by law or would cover you in the event of something's happening that would otherwise be financially catastrophic for you. For the latter reason, for example, it is sensible to have buildings insurance, because if you had to rebuild your house after a fire it would cost a mint and you'd have nowhere to live. But contents insurance is not so clear cut, not unless you get a policy with a substantial no claims element to it. How much of your stuff could you not live without AND not afford to replace? Probably much less than you think - and sentimental value, of course, is uninsurable, so leave out all the items you really really care about.

Sorry, I've got onto a hobby horse. Alison, you're left with the problem of how you explain to your father that you know about his application, are you? Hope you find a way to discuss it with him without offending or upsetting him - but this is the kind of trap you're absolutely right to stop him falling into.

When my mom was still living at home, I made a mail/medication run during my lunch break. The junk mail caused my mom so much anxiety...she thought she had to purchase extended warranty on the car which she no longer had or that she had to respond to all the advertising. I would remove it daily and only left the bills which we filled out checks together and I would drop at the post office. Accentical death/dismemberment policies are a scam....but Alison, your dear ole dad is thinking about your welfare and that touched in at your soul. I personally would not talk with him especially if he will forget he did it. A call to the bank may help. I don't any point in upsetting your dad if he doesn't understand. If you feel you must talk with him...maybe tell him the bank called questioning this policy because it is a weak policy.

Margeaux-i really feel for you...not only dealing with sistaking on an event parading people through the house that may create upset and confusion for your mom. Here you are processing your mom being placed on hospice and sis wanting to be the social butterfly getting all the attention. Well big girl pantries aren't a special purchase....just a regular pair pull them up tight and belt them on,Lol!

Some of you may remember me talking about my mom's former co worker who was helping us with mom's mail before Mom would let us help. She got my mom to allow us to handle her mail because she felt uncomfortable doing it. I was very grateful for this woman helping us. Well a week ago, I received a all on my cell. It was a local # and I knew it was either this woman or the dog groomer. I called the # on my break...this former co worker answered, she did not say hello...she said, sorry we called by mistake transferring #'s to a new phone. Have a great weekend goodbye...and she hung up! I told my sis about it...is that a kiss off or what? I keep thinking maybe she saw ads for the estate sale and now the house being up for sale and she has jumped to conclusions that we are out for money...I don't know what to think...just very strange.

Sad1-smart move on your part..Getting the meds started. It is overwhelming getting all the nasty email and then your mom seeking support from your sil. You sound like in spite of it all you are handling it... I will not say handling it well because I know the toll it takes on us emotionally and physically dealing with dementia and a personality disorder. You have a great support system with your hubby and the therapist. We support you too!

Alison apart from taking comfort in the fact your dad was thinking of your future. Watch the mail for further letters from whoever sold the policy and destroy those too. If he mentions anything then you may have to discus it with him but till then don't mention it, or maybe tell him you have recieved similar solicitations and how worthless they are and you hope he isn't thinking of buying a policy.

Alison,

Ahhhhh! You see there is still a flicker of light there with your dad.
I realize you've written about how he doesn't cooperate, and the past.
But....this was his way, of acknowledging what a great person and daughter you are to him. I'm so happy that you got to see this on the one hand for this reason.
Of course, as you are concerned because of these unscrupulous insurance companies, well that's another story. I agree, that while it isn't necessary to bring this up with him, why go there.
O.K., I hope you get your "big girl panties;" mine are ready for Saturaday!
HAAH!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

The other day, while my sister was trying to tell me how she thinks mom is aware that the end may be possibly near. So she starts saying that mom had told her.....that she would like for my sister to stay in her house, Now mother may have said that, I have no way of knowing this. However......I must admit.....I'm suspicious as to why my sister said this. I'm not and never have been appointed as POA, nor MPOA. So the real crux of information when it comes to mom's assets, and her health is always a mystery to me, the daughter on the periphery of all of this. Especially, after the fact that I saw my sister become so paranoid and jealous of the fact that I would talk to a social worker from Hospice, and behave as if I was dethroning her position as Queen Bee in our family for being in charge of our mom. In no way was I doing that. I just happened to be kind of at the wrong place at the wrong time, I guess....taking care of mom! Oh wow!

She also recently has been referring to mom, as, "her baby."
I find this real weird. I mean, o.k., I don't know if these feelings are sincere, or is she again trying to derive more credit, that she's so hungry for. When does someone like this get their fill, might I ask??????

Anyway, just some rambling thoughts over here.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Alison - I want to add my two cents'. How about renting a Post Office box for security? You can tell dad that people have been stealing mail and that it is recommended (true). Then rent, file a change of address and change all the magazines and financial accounts by hand. You can fetch the mail daily, and check it in the car, then hand it over when you get to the house, leaving the bad stuff at the PO trash or in the trunk for shredding (pre approved credit card offers).

ABB, to see that policy with your name on it must have really touched your heart and soul. All this time, he never showed appreciation. And now you see how tangible he must appreciate you and what you're doing for him.

I still go through my dad's mail. I feel soooo guilty throwing away all these "junk" mail. My dad can spend over $1,000 in a month with his herbal orders. Then it sits for months in the cupboard. Majority of it expires. "It's such a good deal, buy so many for only $300.00!!! You're saving $$$$." He falls for that ALL that time. What he doesn't take into consideration, he spends $300.00 but most times he only finished 2 bottles out of 6. When I took over, I limited his spending based on his paycheck (and stopped touching his savings). He cannot spend over the amount. If he wants to order something and we reached the limit, I tell him that he has no money and we will need to wait until next month's paycheck. He got so used to me doing that, that he now automatically asks me if he has money to order this or that.

That accidental insurance is a dud. I tried to cancel one from my savings account. I couldn't. So, I went to the bank and complained to the employee. I said that I'm going to type a letter of termination, make a copy, then send it by registered mail. She told me that it wouldn't work. A lot of patrons also did that, and the insurance continued deducting from the bank account. She then lowered her voice to a whisper. She told me to close my account. Then open a new one. When the insurance tries to automatically deduct from my old account, they can't since it's closed. It worked! I still get those solicitation letters for accidental insurance.

Margeaux, does your mom have a will? Otherwise, sis will end up with the bulk of your mom's assets - especially since she's always been so secretive.

Sharyn, I don't know about your mom's former co-worker. Maybe she was trying to reconfirm that you all were selling the house. Maybe she thinks you all don't have a right to sell while your mom is still alive. :::: I'm glad that your deli manager is trying to get you back. Sooooo, why is she now being proactive? She missed her hard-working worker? Too many slackers and no one getting things done on schedule? Whatever is the reason, let's hope it's enough incentive for her to really bat for you. :::: I may watch those HLN shows but even I know that it's best to get professionals in to do it (esp. since I know zilch about renovating). And even if you get professionals, if you don't know what you're doing, the pros can scam you out of thousands of dollars because of your ignorance. Just leave the house "as is" because you don't want to fix something that's not broken. You might end up opening a can of worms!

Easter, bahumbug! Christmas fiasco is repeating itself.

Big hugs for everybody out there today. I feel like it must be the moon phase or something, making for extra crazy lately.

Thanks for the comments...nice to know you are here-
One thing is - I have to monitor her emails as she sends out crazy stuff - like to Amazon and such - she has bills come to it - so unfortunately - I need to see them.

Margeaux - interesting about your sister making those comments and yes, a little creepy about calling your mom her baby! Last time I spoke to my brother, his take on mom was WAY different than what he has said in the last 40 years! He has always loathed her and has never said a kind word about her. Once she and I started to really battle - he tells me that he remembers having a great time with her, playing golf and going to lunch??? What? Really? The time before that he said he was going to send her " you know this flowers when you die, calla lilies. I will see you at the funeral". That was on Mother's Day last year. What changed? Does he think she can write him a check for gas money now? It's sad what happens to families when someone gets sick. My husbands family fell apart when his father died. We no longer have a relationship with either of his sisters or thier kids. And there wasn't even any money involved!

As for my mother - I continue to get email orders to do things for her - toaster ovens, iPhones, money, having her sweat pants hemmed by a professional (really?). Oh and I got an email from her doctor last night. She had an appt with her yesterday- mom insisted that she can go home because now I live there and her friends can help her. Um - I live 3 hrs away and go there about once a month to take care of the house - and her 1 friend had a knee replacement and is 84.

I forgot who suggested writing her a nice card...that is a good idea, however, I have done that and even that doesn't work., sadly. Ah the life with a narsistic mother.

Hi all! I haven't posted in awhile, things have been sort of ok and I've kept busy with other things. I suspect I'm headed to a hospital today though, either today or over the weekend. Mom has been feeling nauseous and yesterday I took her to the doctor and long story short, she has a raging UTI. Also, she had a fairly major dental procedure done last week which was meant to be cosmetic but it turned up an infected tooth. She started the antibiotics for the tooth, but two days later the nausea kicked in, so she stopped taking the antibiotic. It was a horrible four hours and I was exhausted and non-functional the rest of the day. I feel so bad for her, she truly is sick and feels awful, but it is just terrible to watch her pour on the "poor me" at the doctor's office. I feel even worse and extra guilty because I don't have the empathy for her that I normally would. I took her there and dealt with the doctor and "did my job," but I don't have it in me to wrap my arms around her and support her physically down the hallway (the medical assistants did that, along with lots of sweet talk). The doctor actually suggested she stay with us for the next few days or weeks, and I practically keeled over at the mere thought of that. There's just no way that can happen.

So... after a two hour doctor visit and an antibiotic shot in the backside, I took her home. I collected her prescriptions and shopped for foods she might be able to eat, dropped them off for her and made sure she was somewhat comfortable. Then I came home. My husband called her last night and she is anxious to hear from me first thing this morning. As the infection has caused her to be quite nauseous, she hasn't eaten and has barely been drinking for several days now. I suspect I will be taking her to the hospital today. I know I must do this, but I was so VERY wiped out after yesterday, and I'm just not ready to do it again... hospital will be 8 hours, not 4. She doesn't seem to know which end is up, talks about inappropriate and unimportant things, and merely sitting next to her gives me the shakes, as her entire aura seems to be constantly shaking. Thanks for listening!

Oh and by the way, since my last post here, I've been studying narcissism. I've discovered that my mom is absolutely a narcissist, of the "victim" variety. I also have come to discover that my ex-husband was a narcissist (he was hyper-critical and controlling), as is a "friend" (musical collaboration partner) who has the "grandiose" complex and feels completely entitled. It has been a journey of discovery for sure, but one that has left me in a near-constant state of "life review," and not wanting to meet any new people! I read a book called "The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists" and it is a GREAT book... it was very hard to read, as every paragraph described either my mom, ex-husband, or my collab partner. I had to read it in small chunks as it was very intense!

Book,

My mother has a Living Will. I did go w/the siblings about a year ago, after our aunt died to sign some legal documents. According to what I understood.....mom's assets are to be divided equally between the four siblings.
I've never actually read the will. All I know is that many years ago.....when I returned after being away 3 yrs., in Europe, I did see a copy of some kind of will when dad was alive. Of course, golden boy was named POA at that time, then our other brother and my sister. Interesting how my name at that time didn't even appear there. Then, the last few years it changed, when our aunt changed whatever portion she wrote. Mom's changed also. It's real complicated.......and the dividing up of assets, I'll believe that the day we go to hear the will read.
On this note.....I don't trust any of them, and I have to say even though mom has ALZ, before she was diagnosed, she made sure to it......that our brother's were at the forefront of all of the will. Now my sister is, as well as our youngest brother.
The controller, and our youngest brother......nothing is ever expected of him.
He's a nice guy, but extremely emotionally detached. Never has to struggle with any of mother's hands on care and the like. Yet he's way higher on the totem pole than I am. I'm sure golden boy will be too in the end. You see they all have kids, mom's grandkids. So I know how my mom used to think that they should be the ones who have priority in terms of having the family belongings.
So we shall see.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sad1daughter,

Honestly, my sister referring to mother in this manner is very creepy!
It's probably part of her possessive nature. Interesting how she does it too,
when I've started to ask more than the general questions about mom's health, as a result of her recent hospitalization. I know my sister doesn't like being asked anything about mom. Instead of just being able to have an informative conversation about it....she becomes very defensive. I believe this is when she referred to mom, like this.

She also boastfully told me that her 24 yr. old daughter has referred to this niece's godson (her sister's 2 yr. old), as "her baby," since she babysits him all week, while the mom is working! I mentioned something like, "that I hope this niece wasn't saying this to his mom." I'm sure my other niece would not like hearing this. My sister and her clan have no sense of boundaries.

Has your mother ever played golf?
Wow, your brother stays in touch w/your mom, since you mentioned he was by Mother's Day!

The worst part that gets me about people like our dysfunctional relatives is that they really try to insult our intelligence.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Gladimhere,

How ya doing? I read your bahumbug, yikes! I have one of those events tomorrow at the Baptismal! But I'm going w/my camera in tow, and taking pics of the babies. This way I'll get lost in that, and I won't focus so much on my sister's bad vibes.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Book~I don't know about my mom's co-worker. I was just shocked at how she answered the phone and clearly did not want to talk to me. She has visited my mom once. Maybe she feels I am going to pressure her to visit. That is her choice, she is the one that told me over and over again how she just loves my mom, how my mom was the only one at work who would help her. I guess those are her good memories to hold on to, I can't fault her for that, and I am the reminder of the present.

Margeaux and chimp-
Yup here we go again. Chimp interesting how you mention the Wizard of OZ, one I will definitely have to check out.

Christmas was a nightmare for me, did something I really did not want to do mostly due to pressure by mom's new limited guardian. She did not know any of us very well then, was just selected in mid-November, approved by court mid January. Now she knows us much better and understands what sister's narcissistic behavior is doing to this family, and especially my grown children. Sis tells guardian that she wants to move forward and work at making things better between us. Then sends out a "Happy Easter" email to me and my kids going into detail about what I have done to her, including a thanksgiving seven, yes seven years ago. As I lay awake here this morning I am trying to figure out how to respond to her most recent narcissistic rant without causing additional rift between my children and myself.

Was thinking about replying to all, and simply say that bringing up all my wrongdoings over the past 7 years does nothing but bring attention to your own narcissistic behavior that hopefully everyone understands as well as I do.