The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Margeaux, Try to enjoy yourself today. I am going to a CSU, the C is for Colorado, spring football scrimmage with my son. He says he and my daughters see what my narcissistic sister is doing. Why am I the only one to stand up to the B***CH!

Oooooohhhhhh........ It is daughter dearest's weekend to stay with her mother.She is such a nutjob she expects her 94 yr old mother with Alzheimer's to still take care of her. There goes the schedule. the diet, and probably will pilfer more of her mother's belongings. She's entitled you know!

Glad. Don't waste your emotions on sis, you know the truth and your son has told you your kids do understand. Just believe him and move on. When sis stops getting a reaction out of you she will turn her attention somewhere else. Enjoy the game with your son.

Veronica-
Nope, not wasting my time on her, the Licensed Professional Counselor, she is a nut job (as is norest's), kids see it, but acquiesce to her. I just do not get it. But, I guess that is what a narcissist does so well.

Hi all - tried posting a couple of nights ago but lost it. We have a couple of roomers for a few months and a testosterone war broke out between them and G, as they invaded his space after being told not to. One is a lad who did renos for me a few years ago so he feels at home! I have never seen G so angry, I was placating him, telling the lad off, explaining things to the other one, setting boundaries... think it is sorted out. They brought with them a beautiful labradoodle called Baxter. I will post a pic of him as my avatar for a bit. He is a sweetie.
Slowly crawling out of the post holiday stuff and a "herx" reaction to the antifungal I have been taking due to a candida flare up. I still have a mountain of laundry to do. G and I had a fantabulous time on vacation. Sunshine, temps in low 80s, palm trees, blue skies, aqua ocean... I have come back a changed woman. Every caregiver needs vacations like that!

Now for a laugh - mother has been taking her antipsychotic as the psychiatrist told her it was for the removal of her sex glands!!! Bwahahahaha - he gets top marks for that. The social worker says she has noticed a positive change in that mother is not obsessing about things as she was. She has been moved to another unit and has a new psychiatrist so I have an appointment to meet her in a couple of weeks. Hopefully, I can also get to mother's tax person then too. The plan is to move mother to a facility with a mental health mandate. I will have some input into which facility. Undoubtedly it will be smaller than what she has now, so Gary and I will not only be in the moving business again but also selling some of her stuff as most of it is new. She will not have a kitchen, but will eat in the dining room, which will remove the problem of having someone shop for her. I believe they are moving her up a level in terms of assistance, and her costs will be about half of what they are now. This should be a win-win for everyone, but in a dysf fam it is unlikely that will last for long.

Hi to those who have not posted for a while - your stories are so familiar. I will post more as I come out of the candidia/herx fog.
Margeaux I am sorry your mum is declining. Sharyn - glad the house is sold, even though I know you have mixed feelings, Glad - I have ignored my sis's latest nasties and stopped writing her. Alison - that is a tear jerker for sure. (((((hugs))))))

Happy Saturday - do something good for you today. For me right now, that s breakfast! Love to all

Emjo: bahahahahahahaha.. removal of sex glands. Love it! Took our sweet 118 lb Saint/golden for a walk/swim at the park! Loving the sunshine! Vitamin D needed it!

Margaeux - sounds a bit possessive and I sure wouldn't want anyone watching my baby try to take over like that...geez she is a caregiver. My daughters mother in law is like that too- well soon to be ex - but she wouldn't have been more thrilled if my my daughter had just fallen off the face of the earth and she could have the grandsons to raise. She even forgets that I too am their grandmother! Lol - I don't compete and let her look like a fool when she tries to do the one up game. I enjoy the show and just don't participate.

Yes - my mother used to golf quite a bit. Her live as I grew up consisted of golf, bridge, reading, laying by the pool, drinking and fighting with my dad. Oh yeah - once in a while she did something with my brother or I - but only if she had too. I don't recall having a fun shopping trip, lunch, movie, stroll somewhere with her ever. Which was fine - less time around her the better! She would only say things to make me feel bad anyway -

So much for that - got a email from her doctor - they did a ct scan on her as she has had a cough for months and nothing is helping...they honestly think it is cancer - she has had it twice - smoker all her life. So then comes the question - what if it is...then what? She is almost 80 - and the last surgery she had resulted with her having the stroke. Ugh -

Joan-so happy your vacation was so relaxing! Whatever works to get them to take the meds, LOL! The only way I could get my mom to take the anti-depressant was to tell her it was for the toe nail fungus.

Yes, the house sold yesterday, an :older couple paying cash and waiting for their condo to close escrow by the end of the month. We got a good price, we knew if we waited, we would get better than the low ball offer we got the first week. After having to fight with my sis about calling me wanting immediate answers while I'm at work, I am glad it is over and no renovating.

sad - what a difficult situation. I know about the nasty emails and they really did a number on me. Fortunately mother stopped using her computer ,but then started with the nasty phone calls which was harder on me. I have told the social worker if that happens again I am not taking calls from her any more. I totally agree - the less time the better. Fun with mother - never happened!
Sorry about the suspicions of cancer. That would be very difficult. What do you think she would want? This isn't fun is it and no one prepared us for this. Maybe a good thing or we would have run miles long ago. (((((((hugs)))))

Sharyn -so glad the sale fell into place with no more hassle. That is a blessing. Hopefully the stress and work will decrease for you now, and your sis will relax more. Your mother seems to be fairy well settled, though I know that can change, Glad you have an ally at your old work and hope you get back there permanently soon. So hard about your niece. I cannot imagine what she is going through. Prayers for all.

norest - hope the weekend passes without too much dysfunction. My sis breezes in and upsets the apple cart too, then gets nasty to me.

glad - I don't think I am even going to stand up to my sis any more. I have cut her off. When mother gets settled in her new place, I will see that sis is informed, though I think mother is still capable of making phone calls and she has sis's number. I have not yet figured out how I will convey info to sis. It will be through someone else but not sure who - probably her daughter. I doubt my kids want anything to do with their aunt after her last performance.

margeaux - I am sorry this is turning into such a circus. It seems to be all about your sis rather than about your mum. I hope the parties are not too hard on mum. I got a bill from other's lawyer I have to pay for her about estate planning -re a visit my mother and sis made during the fiasco in November. I suppose they were trying to force their way, and possible get me in trouble too. I think I would rather not know the details. If I am cut out of her will - which is my sis's aim - so be it. It won't change what I do for mother anyway.

chimp -you sound exhausted. Hope the hospital trip is beneficial. She is NOT going to stay with you - right? Maybe she needs time in rehab. I hope you can arrange some time off for you. Oz sounds good. It sure helps to learn about narcissism and how to deal with it.

Alison - difficult seeing the policy - what a trigger!!! Also difficult communicating with your dad about the insurance. How are you doing? I am sure it has brought up many emotions. (((((hugs))))

The latest report from the hospital says that mother is pacing the halls trying to bring on heart failure. This is funny in a way as exercise is more likely to keep her healthy longer. In another way, it is very sad. I hope as the drug takes effect, her quality of life improves and she has some contentment, not that that was ever high on her list of priorities. She really only wanted to make her 100th birthday, and would have been happy to die not long after that. We don't always get what we want.

book - don't mean to leave you out, Wondering how you are doing. I know you have been trying to deal with high cholesterol and stress. Hope your dad is not getting more difficult to care for.

Austin - gardening - wow! We have snow again

Iwentanon - hope your foot is quite healed

veronica - is the hired help actually helping with the piles of paper?

everyone else - take care

Happy Saturday everyone! Hugs to everyone dealing with narcissism and senility today.

Well, we did not go to the hospital yesterday, mom is improving with the antibiotics. She also recently (two months ago) started an additional antidepressant, Buspar (in addition to Paxil and Klonopin), and interestingly, it seems to be helping her quite a bit. There has been a huge reduction in her need to rehash her poor childhood, which is quite a relief. Right now she is mainly struggling with a rapid decline in her ability to care for herself, and with terrible, terrible loneliness.

I've honestly told her that I (and my family for that matter) cannot cure her loneliness. More/longer visits aren't the answer. She lives close by, but the visits are draining and I end up doing all her chores (trash, sorting mail etc.) She doesn't want outside help, she fired the person we had hired to come help her twice per week. She only wants me, and it is too much for me (even without the dysfunctional history, this would be too much for me). So we've had a discussion with her, telling her honestly that she might be happier in an assisted living facility. She actually seems to agree with us at this point, so now the search for the right place will begin. Not easy times ahead, but things are going about as smoothly as they could right now, and for that I am thankful.

{{{hugs}}} friends

Had a wonderful time with son and daughter-in-law. Minimum chat about wacked out sister! But, he did tell me he responded assertively only to her on her last e-mail rant to all my kids and other sister. Good for him! About damn time! He didn't even read the entire e-mail, he might. Wacko sister even wrote what is to happen to her only child son when she and her ex pass. Really?! She is concerned about relationship between cousins and emotional support for her "darling" son. It is never "my son" always some sappy adjective appears with it.

So I just returned from the Baptismal reception. I decided not to go to the church function. The reception is all I could handle. But I must say.....that I chanted and sent out good vibes so even if there was stress to be had w/my sister.....I wasn't going to feed into it. I was also somewhat concerned that the female relative on the daughter of my sis's, who competes w/sis, and visa versa was going to be there, because then this event would have been so much tension. Remember?
These two were competing to show who was the greatest grandma, and great aunt, at my great nephews "B," party. Why do some of these people take their family roles so dog gone seriously??? Anyway, she didn't show up. My sister, was o.k., all in all. But I made it a point to move about so in case I may be cornered. Mom stayed in her room the entire time. She looked quite good, better than Mon, and last week. We think she's recuping the strength. My sister even said, she'd taken her to get her nails done. There was quite a crowd there, but the noisiest ones were some small kids. But mom slept through a lot of it.
I'm glad it's over!
O.K., I'll dock in a little later, as I have to re-read posts.

I hope everyone is doing a.o.k.!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

My sinuses have been giving me a battle.
What I notice is if I haven't done the nasal washes,
I get these horrible bags under my eyes, and even my
forehead by the inner brow area, seems almost puffy, and stressed.
So I just did a nasal wash, and WOW, the bags look way better, and
my forehead doesn't look like it did before I did the wash. There must be a tremendous amount of crap in the air right now. Anyway, I just wanted to share this with anyone, who wants to do a little beauty treatment. It does help us feel better about ourselves.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Glad,

She's a narcissist, and I think I read that you don't confront them.
So in other words, what would you really gain by responding to her mondo bizarro email anyway? May I ask you a question? Do you expect for your kids say email her and tell her off, let her have it? I mean I do understand that being in your shoes. It sounds like your son must have told her some kind of thing to maybe let her know she should put the brakes. But sometimes other people we feel that should get onboard w/our issues w/another person w/in the family, they just don't want to get involved.
When our narcissistic aunt was reigning queen during her life, she said and did some outrageious things. I once was part of it when I live at mom's, (where she resided), but then left, because I wasn't willing to live in the same house.
While I had several issues.....my sister-never told her much what I was experiencing w/our aunt, because my sister and me had too much tension in those day. We still have it, but mom's condition has made it so we try harder, if you can imagine to work together, but she still sends the message out loud and clear, she's in control. But even if my sis knew some of the issues at that time, she would never speak up to our aunt. My brothers, they don't even figure into this pic, since they live so far, and aren't partipatory for they to even notice any violations incurred by me. Anyway my point is.....that sometimes unfortunately,
we just have to let things be, and evolve in some way. O.K., I don't know whether I'm making any sense. But believe me.......I am glad for you that at least it sounds like your son has your back.

I'm happy to hear you had a good time at the game.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Margeaux, you make me think. I am relieved, I think that is what I am feeling, that my son has my back. I wish daughters would as well. But the last thing I would want is for my bratty, narcissistic sister to start in on them because they didn't do as she wants. Right now she uses them as a tool to get their attention and her way. They all say that they see it, but continue to allow her to manipulate them in this way, leaving me feeling hurt. That is interesting in itself, because if my sister were to treat any of my kids this was that would hurt more. I have known my sisters all their lives, so know them quite well. Sis has always been a manipulator, but thinking about it I do not think she sets about causing the hurt maliciously, I think it is just the way she is. That is terribly sad. Talking with the social worker\guardian yesterday she sees it very clearly, now. Back at Christmas time she had heard so many awful things about me and had not had a chance to get to know me yet.

Guardian has my back and mom's. Now she is on sister's case about her treatment of me particularly when bringing up her histrionics with my kids. I had told her I wanted her to stay out of the Easter thing completely. But when sis sent her rant, copied my kids and SW I decided to let her have at it. SW thought it was excellent timing, didn't think sister would do something like this, but at the same tim not at all surprised by it. I only gave SW one request which was to make sis as stressed as I was over Christmas. She said she would. And SW agrees sis is a narcissist, where as just a few months ago she would only say that there may be a bit of narcissist there. Thank you sis for doing an exemplary job of showing everybody what you are and how you treat people.

Glad,

The other day when I was at my sister's, after she'd made me totally annoyed w/everything going on......I was thinking of the Hospice, the nurse who was there, then the social worker I talked to, when my sister got mad. I also thought of the fact that she'd just had a "B" celebration for mom, and had invited the juvenile delinquent in the family (she's 40 now), but that's how long she's been living life like a train wreck. Drugs has always been in background. Well, sister who had forbidden her to come to visit our battle ax aunt, because the niece made one last attempt to bilk our aunt out of $$ before she died just 2 yrs., ago. So last weekend, I come to find out that my sister invited her to mom's "B," event.
When I was there the other day, my sis's daughter asked me whether I came to the "B," event, and I said, "No." I then told daughter juv. delinq. was there, and clumsily said, "that I could not figure out why her mom, would let her guard down and invite her." My niece replied, something like, her mom knows what juv. delinquent is all about, etc, and that she's not going to allow juv. delinquent to totally come into the family. I too have known my sister all my life,
so yes I agree w/you, and maybe we have different perspectives towards a sister, vs. a daughter, a mom/aunt. Sometimes the individual being stepped upon is going to feel unfairly on the outs when it comes to this type of family dynamics. In my situation I realized that my sister's daughter is either naive, defender of mom, (she's that), & I'll throw in that....she can't keep her mouth shut, either. Thinking about it I realized that there was an expectation on my part that my niece would see it, as I was viewing it. I guess we can feel any which way about matters, but not everyone thinks like we do either. Hopefully if we come to this reality......it could serve for ourselves to make better choices as to how we want to react to a variety of situations, which are super challenging. This is definitely one of them.

As corny as it may sound, but we do have our own lessons to learn.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Hang in there,
I'm doing the same
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Gee, what happened w/double closing.
Margeaux

Sad,

Yes, it's that old adage, "Living vicariously through another, " isn't it!
Sick, if you ask me.

Margeaux

Sharynmarie,

Whew, what a relief! I'm glad you got a decent offer.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Margeaux,
Thank you for that, yes you give me more to think about. I will not be going next Sunday as in sister's rant I was told the only tears permitted would be from my grandchildren if they fell off a swing or something, and if I had a tear I would be asked to leave. The good thing about that, she sent this garbage to my kids. I know what I would do if I were them, make other plans. I know she is just doing her narcissist thing but just as things seem to start to get better she will strike out at me, and sabotage everything. I just do not have the ability to deal with her on any level. Kind of funny but her rant brought up me referring to her by a terrible name two years ago but didn't bring up me calling her a narcissist to her face. SW said she didn't because it is true, the rest was too, but oh well. More later going to breakfast with a friend.

Glad where is the baptism itself going to be held. if it is a public place no one can prevent you from attending unless the baby's parents would prefer you not attend. you do not need to attend further celebrations at anyone's home. if you are on good terms with the baby's parents you can arange a visit with them at their home to present any baby baptismal gift you may have chosen. keep away from sister's home and visit Mom unless prohibited by your sister from entering her home at any time. Visit Mom when Sis is at work. crying is not an illigal activity so go ahead. mom won't mind and she is the important person here Close the part of your mind that recognises narcissists. File your sister under the portion that holds people you do not want or need to deal with. your kids are managing to deal with her so follow their lead. Start each day new she is just a noisy noise on the side lines if you go next week she will be the one crying after you hit her!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The truth hurts.
Blessings

Glad,

I can completely understand you not wanting to go to this Easter gathering, especially after your sister did what she did. Believe me, I did toy w/the idea of a no show myself yesterday. My sister's method of operation where narcissism is concerned is very passive aggressive style. She does it so sneakily, thinks people don't notice......and then tries to just behave as if nothing happened.
Of course this isn't much better than the way your sister is committing her violation against you. This is horrible. O.K., try not to feel too bad about it, by looking for something to distract yourself with. This helped me a lot this past week, in the peak of my madness.

Big hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

She is so bizarre. In the e-mail I sent to her I told her I would never say or do anything that could potential interfere with her relationship with her son. So, what does she do? Send this freaking e-mail to my kids as well!

She also made sure everybody knew that an invitation like this should be met with "excitement and happiness". Then later in the e-mail talks about that Thanksgiving when I invited her and how mad that made her and she acquiesced to the invitation. And then two years ago, she was invited here to have dinner with the family. She again was pissed off and decided to go elsewhere.

Such conflict within her. Do as I say, not as I do.

Glad and Margeux. You are both in a similar situations with narcissists and you know what I think you are both enablers.
OK sorry you can send me nasty messages. But think about it how do these two women get their jollies. They get them by seeing the reactions they have on you and the havoc they create in your lives. You can't help how you feel it is so upsetting when a family member who should love you treats you as a worthless piece of a living organism to be quished with the heel of her shoe at every opportunity. So stop enabling them, form your own chapter of narcissists annonymous. By all means get pissed off or have a good cry whatever works for you or better yet go and pound rocks with the Capt he needs a new helper. find a big one and write the offenders name on it in big letters and pound away. When they see they are not having an effect on you they will find other victims. i would tell you to grow a hard sheel but these people will still find a way to slip sand into it. better yet become a procupine and everytime you are badly treated send a few barbs in their direction. Blessings

Sorry the dementia is acting up tonight I meant hard shell. 30 years too late to blame it on menopause. Never smoked and did not take HRT

veronica - thanks - I have been disengaging when my sis gets nasty. I know I can't change her, I see no benefit to responding to her nastiness. I know she gets a kick out of making her targets uncomfortable, and then taking no responsibility for it, but throwing others under the bus. She is expert at the seagull approach - fly in, squawk and sh*t over everyone and fly out. In her own eyes she is pure as the driven snow. So be it. I am distancing myself more and more. Some contact may be necessary when mothers health worsens, when she dies, at the funeral, but I will keep it to a minimum. I know there will be hurtful remarks and maybe actions - again so be it. There will be an end to it eventually, Frankly, I don't think my not reacting will stop her, as the whole family dynamic thing is too deeply rooted, but I can lessen the stress and damage to me.by detaching. It is not a perfect solution but the better option.

Veronica,
I always listen to what others have to say. And to some extent you are probably right. Before Christmas the SW worked and talked me into dealing with this crazy woman for my mother's benefit. So I went along, had her for Christmas Eve brunch so we could all be together for mom. Sis would not even enter the house until SW arrived, then rang the bell. Very odd, indeed. So I gradually let down my guard to then receive the nastygram. Well my stone wall is up and in full force now. It will not come down again. SW said that she is going to work with sis to try to get her to back off. So I then asked SW if it is even possible for a narcissist to change the way they treat certain people, me. sat least she responded the she is not sure but wanted to give it a shot. So I told her have at it. But, I am DONE! Just wish this would not impact my ability to be with my kids. If kids want to see her, fine, which I have told them numerous times. Just do not expect me to participate.

Glad~You have every reason to have that wall up....detaching emotionally from your sister is necessary for your health. If the SW thinks she can help your sis be a better person, then as you said, "have at it". In my experience with personality disorders, they can't change.There were some years where I thought my mother had changed because I didn't have to deal with the intrusiveness that she imposed on my 3 older siblings. I thought she learned her lesson. Later I learned this was not true. The truth is, my 3 siblings are the children she had planned, I was not planned for and I was the forgotten child until the older 3 had married and moved out. I was 12 years old then, that was when the abuse was unleashed on me. The older 3 were my mother's focus, especially my sister and eldest brother. When I got married, I believe it was a relief for my mother to not have to financially support me anymore, I was only 19 years old, but I knew I was a burden for her. Babysitting the grand kids was a burden, taking care of my father when he had Alz was a burden. Take care of yourself emotionally, don't respond to your sis's emails...change your email address.

Speaking of personality disorders, my daughter texted me earlier tonight that she has a friend who has recently started horning in on my daughter when she has plans with another friend. She has taken the initiative of calling my daugher's other friend (she is not the other woman's friend) and inviting herself to join them. My daughter asked me if her feeling like the friend A is trying to make friends with friend B so she can exclude my daughter is true or if it is hormonal due to her pregnancy. I told my daughter that I don't know if friend A is trying to exclude you as much as she sounds very manipulative. I told her NOT to let friend A know what her plans are or who she will be spending time with in the future because if she sees you as her only friend, she is most likely jealous of your time with other people. Beware, people with personality disorders show up when you don't expect it and they are very damaging to your self esteem.