notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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My daughter had an appointment on March 31st and an ultra sound is done at every appointment because of twins. The tech guessed that it "looks like the babies are 2 BOYS". We will know definitely on April 29th when they do an anatomy screening.
Invites have been sent, pink and blue M&M's are ordered. A friend is making buttons...15 are boy/boy, 15 are girl/girl and 10 are boy/girl. I am not planning any games as my hubby's family is not very adventurous, the men would not participate. I do plan to have my mother cut the cake and my fil will lift the first slice out to reveal the color of the M&M's for the gender reveal.
I will be glad when this is over as I feel like the shower should be something my daughter's friends should do for her, but since she does not live in Cali, my daughter does not want to ask them to do it. I am spending extra on this so I can have more time to enjoy it..such as veggie/fruit trays that I would normally make myself. Just trying not to stress myself out like I did with her wedding by doing everything myself.
Sharyn, I’m so glad that the house was sold so quickly. ::: As for your daughter’s 2 friends. Friend A is trying to make it a three-some. After that, it depends on which person she likes the most. If she likes Friend B more, then she will try to be B’s bestest friend, and start excluding your daughter. If she likes your daughter, she will subtly sabotage their friendship (daughter + B). I hope your daughter takes your advice. I’d also advice her to cut back in sharing her personal life with Friend A. How would she feel when the babies come? Will she feel excluded? Neglected? Moved to the back burner? Maybe ask daughter how she responds whenever she talks about the babies. Her gut feelings.
Sharyn, how do you people celebrate baby showers? Here on island, most of the games are for the children who came to the party. The adults playing games are usually for bridal showers. But with baby showers, it’s centered on the children. We try not to include alcohol/beer because we don’t want anyone getting drunk. Again, because the kids. Or am I mixing this with the Catholic baby baptismal party? Forget it. I could be confusing the two. I rarely go to parties because I usually come home to do my shift – when I’m not at work. But, you can do the shower and think of the children.
it takes a life time of experience to regognize the sociopaths in out midst unless of course you are highly trained in psychology. Yoou just can't believe they could be so evil. No I don't think they can change. I think they can hide their true personalities if it helps them further their own agendas. Religion may help but I am not even sure they are capable of that.
I believe baby showers are usually given by the friends of the expectant mother and are usually spontaniously arranged by same friends. Children are not usually invited. light refreshments are usually served nothing elaborate or expensive.
Book from what you have said children have a very different place in your native society than in western culture in general. They seem to be more warmly welcomed. Your family seems to be different because you seem to be multicultural. Hope I have not got that wrong or been offensive. When I first joined AC and began reading your posts and you referred to your island I assumed it was a remote island off the coast of the US mainland or maybe Hawaii
Maybe you see some of this as enabling, however I will say that when one has to also trying to get around some of this, plus other relationships w/in the family....and at the center of all of this is a sick parent, it's not easy at times deciphering some of this stuff too. I'm still learning a lot about narcissism, as I'm sure we all are. I just have to be more on my guard w/my sister. But I'm sure, just as Glad.....we are trying to learn.
Thanks,
Much Love & Light1 Margeaux
About your email to your sister, narcissists lack compassion for others.
Do you think trying to explain to her that you'd never do the same to her regard ing her son, well.....I just wonder whether she even takes any of the information in. Something they do very well.
It's best to just totally disengage. It is different for you this time around since you already went through the Thanksgiving fiasco. Now, you do have the guardian on your side, which is good. Just try your best if you've decided not to attend, well your already doing a great deal of disarmament right there. But if emails are a source of angst, you're really going to have to resist the temptation to answer to them. One big reason I went to the baptismal is that, the mom of the baby is my Goddaughter. We'll get through this mess, and I'm happy that I've made you think.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
I thought she may be sizing me up, to ask whether I could go relieve at some point for caregiving. But, I'm no longer available for this. She really did it this time. Her calls are going to voice mail too. This is how I'm going to disarm her.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Now everyone is back to work and school - and I have to go back to my reality which is dealing with my mother. My dad died over years ago. My sister showed up at my Mom's in AZ long enough to steal her Bose stereo and her walker...yes. Her walker. My sister was having knee surgery and decided she needed the rolling walker more than my mom did. She left my mother alone with the old walker (the one with the tennis balls on the bottom), no food in the house, and no funeral arrangements for my dad.
I got out there to find my mother very thin, wobbly, smoking like a chimney and pretty much a mess. We got her back her, but not until she fell and broke a hip the day before we were suppose to fly to Indy. Long story short, I had to leave her alone for surgery because my then 11 year old (now 14) was falling apart at school because I was gone so much. (my dad's funeral was in MI, mom was in AZ and I was in IN - get the picture). I was flying back and forth. My sister sat at her house in NM. Although she did make it to Michigan to cause a scene at the funeral, so the extended family (dad's and mom's families) no longer speak to me. Dysfunctional? Yes.
Anyway...to today. My mother has lung cancer. The radiation she had has damaged her left lung probably more than the cancer had. The oncologist recommended I call Hospice at this point. He also talked to her about all of this - she's not a candidate for further treatment. She is competent, so even though I have POA, I have little power. She is narcissistic, which I only realize recently when the hospital SW pointed it out. I just thought she was mean and selfish ;-) . She has been in the hospital 3 times in 6 weeks. Refuses to do any OT or PT. Makes the staff where she lives bring her meals up. Argues with me about anything I do - never right or good enough.
Now she needs Hospice, but is still in denial. Wants to see the oncologist again because she just knows there is some magic pill that will fix everything...always has thought that. She's been searching for that pill my whole life....sigh.
The "enabling," topic is like walking a tight rope. I think lot's of it is also learning to choose and pick one's battle's. When my dad was alive.....and ill, I lived w/my parents and was helping them w/doctor visits. At that time my sister was there a lot, and also since she was dad's favorite became very involved. But then I was younger, and many times we were at odds. But the day came when we had a huge blow out, because I found out while dad was in the hospital a very strange story! He was recuperating from colon cancer surgery.
My sister was at mom's house w/her two young girls. I was getting ready to leave for work, and heard my sister say something about a robbery involving dad. I had no knowledge of this, and was in earshot. I tried asking mother about it, and she behaved as if were talking to the wall. Now my sister angrily, told me that dad had been to the bank, made a withdrawal of 20,000 dollars. On his way home some men started to ram my poor father's small truck several times and made dad pull over. They threatened him with a gun and made him give over the cash. Dad was about 81 yrs. old when this happened. He didn't want to drive to his home, of course so proceeded to my sister's who lived the next town over.
She says my dad was crying and very scared when he arrived.
So the next thing I asked was, when did this happen?
She said, "About a month and a half ago." Why did I not know this fact????
Hiding information which my sister is an expert at. I then asked whether they'd reported it to the police and the bank. My sister told me, that no. I was totally thrown back by this answer. So I told her, that this is wrong, it should be reported, "what on earth?" Anyway, this totally escalated. I started to see my sister squirm as I was getting mad about this story. This became an argument, about how I don't love dad, blah di blah. Definitely smoke and mirrors. It was now some competition about who loved dad more, etc. I told her, she had no right judging how much I loved my father, and who the h*** did she think she is?
She stormed out of there w/her two girls.
So now, my mom and me were there by ourselves. I looked at mother in the eyes, and asked her, "Why did dad w/draw so much cash, and who was it for?"
She oh so reluctantly fessed up, it was for my sister. He was giving it to her, so she could put some money down on a new vehicle. Aha! Alas, I got to the bottom of the reason why my sister, and dad didn't want to report this crime.
Anyway, yes Glad you ask a very good question. This story needless to say caused a terrible situation in terms of how my sister and I would deal w/one another with regards to dad's escalating health needs. There was a lot of fall out as you can imagine. So this time around, mom's in Hospice, so I do think about the fact that I just don't want it to become as unbearable as it became right before we lost dad, w/my sibling. As I've said, I'm just going to take other avenues, so that I engage as minimally as possible my sister.
That taught me alot, and believe me, I hold my tongue many times, and only because, I try to have enough conscience that even if mom has ALZ, if there's even a flicker of memory, I don't want it to be a bad one.
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
I definitely know my sister is in the driver's seat. She's never going to change,
and I'm not about doing that. It would be such an insurmountable task. HAAH!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
My mom asks my advice on how to curtail that, what do I do?
I live 2 blocks from mom. Sister lives 10 hrs away.
The biggest issue is sister spends money behind mom's back.
So Margeaux why didn't they call the police. There were probably pictures on bank cameras of the people that did it. Only so you wouldn't find out that dad was giving your sister $20,000.00? How many other elderly have they done that to now? Did they ever think about anyone else? Unbelievable and so sad your dad had to go through something so absolutely terrifying!
No mom, we will not visit with you from inside the toilet while you take half an hour or more to clear your insides. Gross. You may not, but we still have standards. Let me repeat, gross. Going to visit her is very akin to traumatic for me because it's just so disgusting. No, I won't make our teenagers hang around grandma's toilet while you fart, poop, pee, and probably won't wash your hands. You want me to come in there and scratch your back?! Pass!
The sink is full of rotting dishes again, after I washed them all a month ago, which adds to the "ambience". I wish she would allow housekeeping services to come in. The whole place smells like a sewer. I think she has peed all over, so none of us are willing to sit down on anything not a hard surface. Goodbye security deposit.
I have decided to h**l with nutritional cautions for mom and her diabetes & kidneys. All she wants is basically what I call "gas station food". Frozen cheeseburgers, fried chicken biscuits, pepsi, pickles, snack cakes. So be it. What is that saying about teaching a pig to tapdance?
She is much happier when her gut is full of high sodium, high fat, high sugar, processed junk. But at the same time, she will lecture everyone on her nutritional restrictions. Whatever. It is astonishing this woman is still alive with constant very high blood pressure, a pancreas that gave up in the first Bush administration, and a liver and two kidneys trying to escape any way they can. I am convinced she is running on pure meanness, or some supernatural force, not through any biological process science has discovered.
I like the suggestion of you having your own get together at your home. You don't owe your sis any explanation. Trying to be civil with someone who is like your sis is really futile. She sees it that she has all the power and she will continue to have the power if you let her. There is no middle ground here.
Enabling someone’s poor behavior is extremely easy to do. Enabling is often done unconsciously and with the best of intentions. Seldom, however, do these intentions have positive endings.
Examples of enabling include:
• Purchasing alcohol for your loved one who has a drinking problem.
• Taking over all the chores and family duties to avoid the complaints from family members.
• Responding to aggressive behavior by doing what the bully wants.
• Silently taking emotional abuses such as put downs, sarcastic comments, yelling, name calling etc.
• Packing the diaper bag because your partner doesn’t know what to pack.
• Being responsible for the family’s schedules and constantly reminding your partner of where they need to be and when.
• Agreeing to allow your partner to continue in an affair until s/he decides whom they want to be with.
The truth is there are countless ways that we enable dysfunctional behaviors without ever realizing it. We often enable things because it’s just plain easier. In terms of parenting, we enable our children when we do countless things for them so we don’t have to deal with the fight if we say no (this keeps them irresponsible and dependent and enables their outbursts to continue if they have them). In regards to business, we enable dependency every time we don’t delegate the things we should because we know we can do a better job (this enables the employees to sit back and let you do the work rather than having them learn to do it better.). With loved ones, we enable irresponsibility every time we become over-responsible in an effort to make up for the other person’s lack of responsibility.
Every time we do something to cover up for, or minimize the effects of, someone else’s mistakes, mistreatment, addiction or actions, we are enabling that behavior to continue. Regardless of why we choose to enable, the reality is that enabling dysfunctional behaviors is toxic to relationships and to the self. The more we enable, the more the bad behaviors will continue. Trying to manage people and circumstances by not letting the consequences happen is a recipe for disaster in the long run.
Dare to step in and deal with dysfunctional behaviors head on. Set clear limits, follow through and do not rescue others. You will never fix a behavior by hiding it, ignoring it or constantly cleaning up the fall out from it. Trust your strength. Find the courage to address issues directly.
CHALLENGE: Pay attention to how people enable poor behavior to continue. Watch the world around this issue. Next watch yourself. If you find that you enable, start stepping in on a different level and see what happens. Deal with issues directly and stop making it easier for others to continue to do their dysfunction.
- See more at: lmerlobooth.typepad/straight_talk_4_women/2010/10/are-you-enabling-others-in-their-dysfunctional-behaviors.html#sthash.grwrhlza.dpuf
Because in reality, whenever a POA touches the money, she should have receipts to back up why she's spending it. She is obligated to do so. But most authorities don't view this as important a crime as murder. If you have some kind of proof that she's misusing the funds, you can call Adult Protective Services. Very difficult to do this without proof. Perhaps if you do your search on the top right, you might find some great ideas.
My father had a minor stroke 2 years ago. He could have been walking but he refused any kind of therapy. So now he's bedridden, cannot move his left arm (he did when he first got out of the hospital), and his left leg is setting crooked. I have tried to massage and exercise his limbs but he doesn't want me to do anything to it because "it hurts." That's the main reason he refused to do any PT. The only reason he did it at the hospital was that the doctor told him that if he did not do PT, he will remain in the hospital until he did it. So he did. Once he got out of the hospital, he quit. So, sometimes, there's nothing we can do if the parent refuses to help themselves.
You are right too. I'm here out of obligation - moral obligation due to my finding God when I was age 22. Unlike my 7 siblings, they didn't find any religion that obligated them to help care for their abusive parents. My spiritual advisor visited me a few months ago. He asked me if I ever regretted finding God. I said, "Yes, I regretted studying the Bible." I do Not regret finding God. I just regret learning the Bible and knowing what is God's Will. If I was a Catholic like my siblings, I would have been able to stand up and walk away. I grew up as a Catholic. We just went to mass on Sundays, attended the Easter and Xmas midnight mass - and that's it. No studying of the Bible to know what God's will is. Go to the priest, confess your sins, and then go back to doing it again. Aahhh.. even as teenagers, we saw grown ups do this. I remember rolling my eyes when I see someone going up to take the "bread."
Throughout my postings, I have been slowly revealing some of the things that I do remember of my childhood. I once told my ex-bf of my childhood, and he didn't believe me. He thought I was exagerating. The same with baby sister's hubby. He thought she was exagerating. Then he came over for a visit. He heard us talking about our childhood. And he was shocked that it was all true - on what she told him. I have found that most outsiders cannot take the full scenery of what we went thru as a child, the abuses done. But if you give it as piecemeal, it gives them time to accept each small memory. My therapist stared at me with awe. She couldn't believe that I survived my childhood normal (as in not into drugs, crime, etc..) However, it did unnerve her a lot that I can sit there and smile her with such a nice friendly smile - and she cannot read me. Actually, it really really unnerved her as I discussed my childhood abuses with a smile. When I found out it unnerved her, I would discuss my abuses with a very solemn face. sigh.. In our family, you never ever show that you're hurt or embarrassed because the rest of the siblings will "go in for the kill." It's automatic to smile - no matter what.
Thank you for starting this thread - I'm looking forward to the supportive posts and supporting others who are in the same boat as I.
Sharyn, I copied and pasted your post. I know that I've got it in one of my files but too lazy to find it. For now, I dumped it on Emjo's files of "Detach and Setting Boundaries." I think of it as Emjo's since most of it came from her posts.
It has been a month since you visited Mom so why did you expect to find conditions any better?
She is a very sick old lady. Face that fact instead of relying on "she won't do what's good for her" The hard fact is she can't. She is not being cussed she is deep into dementia. Won't let housekeepers in, won't eat a proper diet. Ignores her diabetes. Has major gastointestinal problems which may not be caused by her unhealthy diet. Can't face preparing food or even thinking about it. Is she loosing weight? Put something tasty in front of her and she probably will eat at least for now but that will stop too. She is far too lethargic to think about clearing up after herself. I realize you want to have a little to do with a filthy looser like that. So be it I don't know what you previous relationship has been with mother but right now you are blaming her and have turned against her rather than helping. you my dear are no where near the trenches. You are not even close to the front line even though you can smell the carnage.
You do however have some responsibility whether you care about Mom or not you are fully aware of her living conditions. This woman is in danger and severely neglected. If you can't face calling in adult protective services pass the responsibility to some one who can. That is probably the landlord. let him or her know how Mom is mistreating her apartment and suggests he/she does an inspection. he/she will be stopped at the door by the stench and want her out ASAP. If there is garbage everywhere Codes can also be called in because that is a violation in most places as a fire risk and it attracts rodents and insects.
is she paying her bills? of course you don't know because she is so secretive.
Your mother is deep into dementia and is a danger to herself and others. Contact adult protective services and public health and between them they will get her sorted out. Try to obtain POA both medical and financial if you are interested otherwise let the state take charge. If you expected sympathy from me because you think you are in the trenches I am afraid I am lacking in that emotion today. Had it been my mother (whom I did not like and could not bear to touch) that I discoved.in thise conditions I would have immediately called the authorities but at the same time put on a pair of gloves and sent one of the kids out to buy some pull up diapers given her a bath and they cleaned and disinfected the shitty bathroom. I would also have cleaned all the furniture with disinfectant and tackled the kitchen too. She really can't help it she is not lazy and stubbon she is sick period. i am sorry for you as a person but not for what you have to deal with. Time for the big girl panties. Lots of people here are familiar with them and buy them in six packs.
Margeaux and I are both dealing with similar sister issues now. She has the baptismal, I have Easter with my narcissistic sister and if I want to see my children and grandchildren I am also required to withhold tears or I will be asked to leave.
I have decided I will not put myself in this situation nor expose my children to what may transpire.