The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

And then my tablet is going completely wacky, got stuck in a loop of some sort! Asteroids times 2 yet!

Maybe I'll start doing that.

Well you will never guess what that asteroid sister of mine did now! Fill in your own adjective please. LOL

Of course we are loony we are or were caregivers-my new queen bed-first piece of furniture I picked out myself is being delivered today-YEA.

Sharyn such a sad story about your niece. I hope at least this ordeal can give her an amount of good time. You just feel so helpless. "Sorry" does not cover it in the face of such devastation. In many ways I would wish the Drs had not told her it would come back. I know I often critisize Drs for being over optimistic and not truthful and maybe she really wanted to know. Many husbands unfortunately are not supportive in the face of situations like this. Denial seems to be their way of dealing with it. Most of us girls would recover a lot faster with more TLC from our spouses.

I do understand the purpose of your posts Sharyn and your desire to support others on their way to forgivenes and growth and do know that the individual has to come to it in their own time and maybe never will It is like grief where some one gets stuck at a certain stage and never recovers. All of us have experienced grief in some form or another so it is easier to relate to than an abusive childhood and nasisistic parents.
Have done a little reading on that mainly because of both what I have read here and a headline "Is Putin a narsissist?" The thing that stood out is that the narsissist gets that way because of extreme trauma in their own childhood.
The problem with writing comments and answers is that the people are not face to face and can only reply once the comment is sent so it is easy to jump to conclusions about that the writer means whereas if they could read each other many misunderstanding could immediately be addressed. For example I have never been physically abused but having seen the results can imagine the terror and would feel the need to help the abused person but as you have so rightly put it they have to want to be helped and we are back to taking the horse to water. (Been there done that) with real horses. Enough I am probably just digging myself a deeper hole,and my size 20s are not too tasty!!!!!! Have to go anyway some one is going to feed me some barium on a cracker this afternoon

Drive-by post before I deal with day of having contractors in the house again…

Hi everyone. I got hit with yet another serious painful bout of sinus/throat infection this past week. It didn't surprise me too much seeing as anytime the dust in this house is stirred up - either through my own cleaning efforts or the HVAC cleaning crew that came in last week - I end up getting sick. Much better now, I didn't need medication to recover, but I'm just beyond frustrated with the recurring illnesses. Air purifier should be delivered any day, hoping it will make a difference. And I need to remember to wear a face mask when cleaning. Hope everyone is well and good. Bbl.

Shary I am glad our niece is staying with people who care abut her and I pray for healing for her. I am not sure if people want to know how much time they have left-I do not know if my brother wants to know but I would like to have at least a visiting nurse to come in but he refuses-he needs to be assessed and hospice should get involved-I will be going to see him every other week for now and keep my eye on him and take him food.

Sandwich,

I'd be angry also, given your circumstances!
I was very angry when mother's narcissistic sister was alive, and basically lot's of what you've described.......that was our aunt.
I backtracked to read your posts and get a better idea, where your mom is at in terms of her living situation. Is she in an Assisted Living Center? If she is, do you think that possibly, it's time to take her level of care to the next step, say so she wouldn't the control as to the choices she now has for food, and living as independently?

I think about our aunt, and the challenges she thrust primarily on my sister and me.
She became a nightmare to deal with in her elder years. Although others tell you this is your past, as in....."get over it," these dysfunctional behaviors do come back to haunt us. You are totally entitled to YOUR feelings, and want you to know that we're here to support you. This is one of the reasons I come here, since I feel it's a safe place to vent, and that we are not being admonished, nor judged.

You're in my thoughts!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Alison,

I am a major sinus sufferer.
Let me tell you that in your case, the dust mask should not be up for negotiation.
I live in a small place, and every time I'm dusting and sweeping the dust mask has become a fashion statement. O.K., I hope you feel much better.

I was wondering where you were.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Glad,

The day after the Baptismal, what you've said about all the impending holidays families want to celebrate.....is the reason I had to cut the conversation short w/my sister. She creates tons of chaos and drama and also has high expectations of others attendance at her family's events.
When she started to tell me of her grand daughter's, (Baptism baby's) upcoming first "B," day in May, then a baby shower for the baby's mom, I had to hang up.
I just can't listen to all about me, the new grandma anymore! No offense to grandmother's, she just takes it to an icky level, and she's not going to burn my ear about this. I'm not feeling like she's in a friendly-sis category at the moment.

Your son sounds like a wonderful man. Try not to worry too much about your other children's reactions to your sister. In due time, if she's that offensive, eventually you know she'll most likely majorly offend them, too. They have their own lessons to learn. A brunch, ummmmm sounds good, let's get those chocolate croissants on the table.

How sweet is that, your mom is a prom queen.
What is she wearing for the event? O.K., w/in everything try and have some fun watching your mom participating in this.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Emjo,

What's going on with you? I hope the boarder's are respecting household rules.
Hope you're well.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Veroncia~I agree with everything you said in your post regarding written posts and sometimes what we mean to say can be misunderstood. I have had this problem on facebook with people I have known as an acquaintance...as a result we don't really know each other well enough to get each others writing style of sense of humor.

My brother and his wife lost their 38 year old son last May after an 8 year battle with colon cancer. He was told after his first surgery, the cancer would not come back...after the second surgery, he was told the same thing. SO..in light of that, I don't know whether telling my niece it will come back or to give her hope that it will not return is the way to go. They have already lost so much with her brother passing away. It is going to a very rough journey for all of them no matter what the future holds.

Well, off to run my errands...baby reveal shopping, groceries for dinner tonight. Have a good day!! Thank you for the kind words regarding my niece!

My feeling about being told how much time a person may have left is based on what my family is going through now with my brother and no one knows for sure God is in control if the person or the spouse asks then the doc should say how he honestly feels taking into consideration it is not written in stone-many people with cancer have a much longer time span then even a few years ago-I have seen spouses in denial and then after the person suffering with cancer dies that family member wonders why no one told them the truth and docs are only human but they should lay out the facts as they see them explaining that there are exceptions-I would want to know so I could plan but also I am a person who lives each day as it comes and do not sweat the small stuff-a friend was always so worried bout small health problems but did not live in a healthy life style and her money was so important to her -now she is sitting in a wheelchair sleeping most of her days-thanks for letting me vent.

Austin-i don't think drs should give false hope as in not being truthful..that is wrong. We have heard of situations where a Dr told the patient there was nothing more they cameo except comfort and God, in his infinate wisedom cured the patient 6 months later. I am praying for that to happen with April and for Ethen Richardson. I too would want to know. I believe with Chris (my nephew who passedaway) the drs believed very confidently the cancer would not return. The family does not blame the drs. My nieces Dr is dealing with much guilt ( he is only human), as my niece faughtt with him for years on getting her hemroids (sp?) Removed. He stalled on it because of her young age. He has pulled all kinds of strings to get her for treatment and surgery because he feels so bad about her situation. She is only 34 so drs would have suspected advanced recital cancer?

I mean drs would not have thought advanced recital cancer.

Gees my kindle....rectal. not recital ..no music performance.

I stepped out of the role of being my mother's emotional caregiver which I had all my life for 6 years and now have gone back. The roles have changed my brother has replaced my father who died at 90 three years ago. My daughter has replaced me in my mother's life and they adore each other. My mother can say or do anything to my daughter and she just lets it slide. I can't do anything right it seems. Now my brother who is mentally ill, unemployed and has a history of financial irresponsibility has been put in the role of POA for finance, personal care and made executor of the will. My mother is a very wealthy woman at 95 and yet the day after a meeting with her financial planner which I attended, told me the next day she would not pay for the family meal at a restaurant she was planning at Easter. We would each pay for ourselves. Striving hard to keep the "fun" in dysfunctional! Sharron

rectal music performance??? Now that gave me a laugh.

Sorry, sharyn, I am very sad for your niece's situation and know it is terribly hard on her and the family.

Alison - Sinus sufferers -I am one especially the past few days. I think it is snow mold and/or dust in general as the snow has pretty well melted, but the grassy areas have not died up yet, and also we are having high gusts of wind. I am trying fruit/veg smoothies. I don't have a juicer, so the blender has to do and I prefer eating the pulp anyway. I found a coconut milk yogurt I can use with it if I want to.

margeaux - I have been dealing with a "die off" reaction from taking antifungals which has made me tired, headachy etc. and aware that I have to catch these infections sooner. That followed by this sinus headache... Getting past it now. These family functions turn into such crazy circuses with narcissists around.

glad - you mentioned about the SW wanting to improve family relationships. I see mother's SW trying to do the same. She is telling me it is OK for me not to visit mother to protect myself, but I find she is saying it too often, so it makes me wonder. She is also asking if there is anyone else in the family who visits mother. The answer is that mother has burnt most of her bridges for anyone local who has had much contact with her. I don't think they are well trained in the area of personality disorders and narcissism. Next time I speak with the SW, I will ask if mother is wanting to see family.

As far as enabling is concerned, Sharyn you posted good info. Setting boundaries, and not pleasing narcissists does not make the situation normal, but hurts you less. The situation will never be normal with sick people in it. Doing things to make others feel better, at your own expense, is not good for you. One way or the other, there is dysfunction. The trick is to focus on yourself and your needs. Believe me, the others will survive. Keep yourself healthy.

Family issues - I have a daughter and dil who will not be in the same room with one another - mainly the dil's decision as dd has tried, though I think she is burnt now. This raises issues regarding family functions. We work around it. Sometimes I visit one, sometimes the other. The problem is between them as is any problem my kids have and have had with mother and I do not interfere. They all are adults and it is their job to work things out. Do I like having fractured family functions? NO. Obviously not. But I cannot change it. The same applies with my sister. I do no interfere with my kids relationship with her In fact they had little relationship with her, as they have seen how she is over the years. I have shared some info. with them.

When G and I marry and I do think this will happen, I will have to work out something with the kids that is reasonable and the least stress for everyone. Re marriage, G took me to a couple of jewellers in the Bahamas that he had researched, and had me try on some very expensive rings. They were beautiful but out of sight $ wise. He also showed a male one he liked. Hmmm!

Austin, sorry about your brother, there is only so much you can do.

Travelling to visit mother's new psychiatrist and the SW next week to discuss placement etc. Starting to line up help for moving her again. I think I will have to see her at some point to find out what of her furniture she wants in her new place, once we know what facility she is going into and what size unit she will have. I need to be done with moving -can't keep doing this...

hi to the newbies and everyone else - veronica, book, cmag, sad and more. Not leaving anyone out on purpose - just behind in my reading posts.

“There just isn’t any pleasing some people. The trick is to stop trying.” - Robert Mitchum

We cannot begin to make progress in learning to Love ourselves until we start being kind to ourselves in healthy ways. A very important part of being kind to ourselves is learning how to say no, and how to set, and be able to defend, boundaries.” -Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls

I think we are wounded souls, and very courageous. Do something good for you today! ((((((((hugs))))))) and blessings

Do something

Joan-i am glad you caught my humor....my niece and family would approve. Without humor we are sunk.

Emjo,

Good to hear from you.
I hope you get better from the sinuses.
Ummmm coconut milk, that's tasty.

The family gatherings! I'm boycotting some now. HAAH!
Why do we have to absorb this person doesn't like the other, etc.
What a bunch of work.

Wow1 Rings??? That's great!
My husband, sneakily got the size of my ring finger before he popped the question to me. I still don't know when he did this.

My motto nowadays is, "Just say no." HAAH!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

sandwich ((((((hugs))))) it is such a hard road. I gather your mum is in an AL. Will they not find out about her circumstances? It is so hard as they want us - flying moneys (love that phrase) to clean up their messes physical, emotional etc. There is only so much one can do and sometimes it has to get worse before the professionals will step in. Mother's apartment was clean and tidy but her mind was a mess with paranoia. If I had tried to "fix it" and straighten her out, it would only have postponed the inevitable and would have taken a bigger toll on me. Refusing to enable her, made her problems evident to the professionals sooner. My kids were in agreement. She is now in a psychiatric hospital where she belongs, taking the meds that help her, and will be moved to a mental health facility where the staff are trained to deal with her. It can't happen soon enough. If I get crazy phone calls, I will block her number or change my number. I can't allow that stress any more. I wish I had taken a firmer stand earlier, but we learn as we go. Hopefully life will continue on a calmer basis now. I will breathe a sigh of relief for her and for me the day she dies. She wishes she had already died.
Look after you!!!

Joan rings how romantic. A friend in th=her late 50s was taken on a vaction to las vagus. One morning he told her to put on a good supporting bra and comfortable shoes. There would be a tour bus at the hotel door and they were to join a group walking in the foot hills for the day. Well she did as she was told but when they got to the front door there was a limo waiting and she was whisked away to choose a wedding dress and all the paraphenalia and finally to a cute chapel and ended the day as a new MRS. Now I don't think I would have been pleased but she thought it was the bees knees or the kippers knickers as the sayings go at least in my part of the world. I got an email a couple of days later containing a picture of the happy couple. he never tells he where they are going just what to pack the night before (bikini or snow suit) A least it solves the problem of who not to ask to the wedding. so way to go Emjo. We did get new rings in time for our 50th.

Back to Drs and prognosis. What really gets to me is when someone asks the question "How long have I got Doc?' and then gets a vague reply like "at least three months or probably a couple of years yet" Three weeks later the patient pulls the nurses head down and says "If I ask you a question will you tell me the truth?' "Am I dying?" passing the buck really makes me mad. I was a third year nursing student and a patient came back from the OR on life support. The husband had been called, the chaplain gave his blessing. The surgeon said to the Sister "Turn off the machine now Sister" The Sister turned to the staff nurse and said "Turn it off staff" Then the staff nurse turned to me and said "Switch it off nurse" When difficult decisions have to be made at least have the guts to follow through with the action. I would never and have never told anyone else to carry out an action I was afraid to do myself. That is what annoys me not so much what people should be told but that whatever it is it should be the truth and responsibility taken.

I agree Veroncia...drs do tend to protect themselves for malpractice suits...I witnessed that with my mom's PCP. He never said the word dementia or Alzheimer'a,,,instead he used "memory loss" when my mom was present. We had to take mom to a neurologist, which is understandable, but the PCP physician would never recommend it. When I told him this is what we were doing, he said that is a good idea...really? Malpractice suits are rampant here in Cali....not my families style but the drs dont know that.

Thank you sharynmarie for your words to Sandwich, "if your mother was not mentally ill she would not have abused you." This applied to my mom and to my sister and I who were abused verbally, and physically. Since I have been Mom's only caregiver I have chipped away at my own rage, grief, love and hatred. So many old wounds of a young child or teenager not knowing why I was in such a crazy household! The images come back every time I hear Mom's sarcasm or hear her order me around. I have gone to a counselor which is most helpful: just in telling the stories and airing feelings that were forbidden to have a voice. Now I am in the making firm boundary stage, very guarded, but trying to allow my love to seep through the old anger and grief. If I give her an inch she tries to devour my life somehow in various ways. Yes, she is troubled and always has been. I have never viewed her as evil: she was scary but not really cruel: when she beat us she was out of her mind, out of control, and was in total denial. The more I see her as mentally disturbed probably from her own birth (her mother died when she was 3 months old), the more I can feel compassion for her, even love, but just HOW to respond to her is still a puzzle to me. Mostly I grunt, "uh-huh, oh isn't that nice," and let her have the one way conversation she can only do now at 92.

I hate the holidays. I don't know how to celebrate them with her, I don't really want to, and yet I do love her and know her days are numbered. I try to see the good side to her and try very hard not to hurt again and again with her thoughtless or manipulative remarks. I have created space for my life: got helpers so I don't have to see her often, and that helps a lot!
Pray for your own peace and seize that silence like rain on parched earth. Then, if you have to, or if you choose to, go and try to stand with your sister and mother, try to feel your love. But if you can't, give it to yourself!

Sharyn, It isn't just the kindle, tablets of any variety are difficult to type on. The one I liked was cameo instead of can do.

EMJO,
missed you. Wow, rings? I just cannot imagine walking down the aisle again. I'm in the why in the world would I even consider it mode!

I don't think SW is trained in narcissism either. Though when we first started working with her, she said that there may be a bit of narcissism there. Now, she wholeheartedly agrees and is asking sis some very good questions that will be very difficult for her to answer. And she is also having some problems with POA sis. The old ways of not responding to e-mails, not sharing important health information, etc have started to return. The SW is actually limited guardian, she talked with my attorney this week, and they are talking full guardianship now as sister just does not have the time, and will not relinquish the power in spite of instructions to do so for a variety of reasons.

It is so strange to think about now, but when SW first was appointed I was frightened and afraid she would find something wrong with mom's living situation in her home of 50+ years with me caring for her. SW has now told me that she met with vindictive sisters before she met with me, mom and her hubby. Geez sisters gave her an earful! So she came in here looking for something wrong, didn't find anything other than I should be getting more respite time, and left here wondering what in the heck is wrong with this situation and what are my sister's problems.

Now, that did put some fun in dysfunctional!

Glad- I have some very fun.y things. On the dinner thread I typed inadequaint sandwiches instead of chicken salad sandwich. I guess I should use my computer but since crocheting I don't go in the room.

Hubba-you sound like you are headed in the right direction in your recovery. Detaching and setting boundaries helps a lot in reducing the pain. Because my mom most often behaved when not in her territory, having holiday dinners at my stopped her remarks or out bursts toward me. Do what you have to during holidays...moms like ours see it as their day only. Like my dad used to tell my mom..
"If Jesus stood before you and said you are wrong, you would call him a liar".

I cared for my alcoholic, narcissistic mother for the last 3-1/2 years of her life. My five siblings did nothing to help. When she died, the oldest brother in the family told the other siblings that I had cared for Mom to get at her money (she had none), and that I was an impaired drug addict (using medical cannabis for intractable pain since back surgery in 1972), and that I now wanted the family to care for ME because I was too lazy to go back to work and support myself as I had done for decades before caring for Mom. I've been in a wheelchair for over 20 years, and had been violently sexually assaulted by this brother. (He also molested one of my other sisters - we never told anyone). The whole family believed his lies and ostracized me from the family. No one in the family of 26 blood relatives have spoken to me since Mom passed over 3 years ago.
While care for my mother, I promised myself that if I could just stay physically healthy until Mom died, that then I could die as well. Death is the only thing I look forward to after this soul-crushing experience.

Myname, I hope you don't mind my saying so but you sound a bit depressed. I figure you wouldn't have posted here if you didn't realize that others have been down a similar path as you… as in, we've all experienced the deep hurt that comes from dysfunctional families… and you feel this is a safe place to talk about your feelings. I hope you can start to change things around, become more involved in activities you enjoy, reconnect or spend more time with friends who do care about you. Sometimes our family is just a DNA connection… I'm sorry for you, for your experiences.

I'm not quite awake yet, and man am I congested and foggy. I need to get used to the notion of extreme allergies, for right now anyway, and start doing anything and everything to boost immune and protect myself. I've been thinking I need an otc anti allergy, too, maybe.

I'm trying to get it together. But three illness whammies in past 30 days have been no fun at all. There is still so much thick, dark dust bunnies and dust coatings in this house. This after I've wiped down every surface multiple times. But HVAC ducts got a good clean, air purifier is on the way, and Spring is almost here with enough warmth to throw open every window and air this place out. I CAN'T WAIT. :-D

Took some time and read through missed posts. There's a lot of pain here in this thread. I can absolutely relate to wanting and desiring civil/cordial relationships with family, but never seeming to actually put that type of relationship in place. I guess you could use the adage "the best indicator of the future is the past." I realize that I have long been expecting, at least on some level, that the relationships I have with family will somehow mature, develop, change, improve. But largely, they haven't. And I have to agree with emjo that I am my first priority to take care of. And gosh darn, my family can just be so viciously hurtful at times… really crossing lines… and there's no warning when those things will happen. Its always a surprise, I get emotionally thrown for a loop, and repeat the same pattern of just being so hurt and angry. I've tried, in the past year, to take emotions out of my interactions with family. Sometimes I fail, but when I do, I pay the price. I cannot have expectations of them or be disappointed by their actions unless I just want to be yanked around. So, detachment is only option, unfortunately.

Happy Friday, all. Hope you have a great day! (((((hugs)))))